"Good morning sweetie, breakfast is ready!"
The fragrant aromas of Mom's homemade cooking wafted throughout the halls of the old home. Which, when you considered the rather small size of the rickety two bedroom country style house, meant that there was absolutely no escaping the tantalizing doughy smell of freshly made flapjacks. I could already smell the sticky sweet syrup and salty savoury butter melting off the top. Mom would always make them extra large too, each heavenly stack of filling gluten disks would usually be enough to feed an entire family of five, at least that's the way she made them.
She'd always used to say I needed the carbs for energy and to grow as big and strong like my father some day. But, in reality though, I was only ever so active in sports in order to prevent myself from becoming fat off her cooking. Don't get me wrong. Whatever she could scrounge together on our tight budget would always taste amazing, I just wished she hadn't created this catch-22 in the first place, where I'd need to burn off the excess carbs on the baseball pitch, but then afterwards she'd feel the need to feed me extra portions on my diner plate to keep up with my sports... It was a delicious never ending cycle.
As a result, I was perhaps a little too overdeveloped as a teenager. I'd hit my growth spurt early and by the time I was eighteen I was a mountain of muscle and bone. I didn't mind my height too much, it made my winning home runs all the more easier when you towered over the competition.
"Your breakfast is going to get cold Oliver! Get your lazy hide out here!"
"...In a minute." I mumbled back, still half asleep. "Just... Give me one... more... minute..."
The allure of staying beneath the warm and safe cozy covers, continuing my restful slumber was strong... Verrry strong in fact. At the present moment my whole body felt oldly drained. Spent, weary, fatigued if you would. My limbs didn't want to co-operate with the command to get to the dinig table, firmly rooted into the down covers as they were.
The drowsiness had seemed to have overpowered my sense of hunger, a heruclean task on any normal day of the week to be sure.
At the very least I wasn't quiet ready to return to the waking world just yet. My half finished dreams beckoned me like a sirens' call to stay right where I was, nice and comfy, drifting soundly among the feather clouds of my duvet... It was heaven.
"C'mon, get your lazy bones up already!" My mother shouted from around the corner of my bedroom door, still hard at work in the kitchen.
As I listened I could hear the sounds of the tap in the sink being run, she was already cleaning the cast iron pan she'd used. "It's a special day today hun! You've got your big game in only a few hours! Don't want my winning baseball champ going hungry on the pitch!"
"Uughh..." I moaned into the soft underside of my pillow, hoping by covering my face I could block out her incessant shouting. My mother was always so annoyingly energetic, especially in the early mornings like this.
"...If you don't get out here soon mister I'll take it that as you not wanting any breakfast!"
"Alright, alright... I'm up, I'm up!"
Rousing from my deep slumber I found that I was still feeling abnormally exhausted. It felt as if it'd been forever since I'd last had any good nights rest. The unkempt drowsiness filled my mind foggy delirium and my limbs ached as if all the strength had been pulled straight out from them.
I shook my head, banishing what dizziness I could. It was strange... It felt like this to be of the same sort of calibur of groggy tiredness that was more akin to the sort you'd obtain from taking a nap that'd gone on for too far long. Or pulling an all nighter only to sleep at an odd angle... Which was weird, I never used to get this exhausted so easily when I was younger. It wasn't until late when I'd gone through college that I-
"Hey! You better not be lying to me Mister!" My mother chided through the bedroom door, her tone only slightly peeved, "Get up before it's too late!"
Groaning I finally threw off the covers and rolled out of bed. It wouldn't be a good idea to keep my mother waiting, least she decide to come and get me herself. She wasn't above invading the privacy of my room... nor literally dragging out of bed by my feet, a feat she'd done before... Dispite her diminuative size she could indeed throw me around like a ragdoll if she wanted. And since I'd rather not have such an embarrassing turn of events happen first thing in the morning I had to follow through with my word. I was also at that age where independence was sacred after all, not to mention I'd probably get chewed out for how messy my room currently was...
However, right as my bare feet touched down upon the old wooden floorboards a frosty cold instantly zapped at my skin, chilling me straight to the bone.
"Aaagh!" I recoiled immediately from the frozen surface as if stung. "What the heck?!"
I scrunched my face up in a confused frown as I checked the floor once again. Odd... It was the middle of June, but somehow my room somehow felt like I was in the middle of Winter... I looked out the frosted window and sure enough the sky was blue and the plants were green. I could even hear the chirp of a family of gold finches nesting in the tree outside. It was definitely Summer.
"Huh, weird. Did Mom leave the A/C on for too long last night?"
Shrugging the oddity away I merely slipped on a pair of fuzzy slippers and shuffled towards the door of my room. We really couldn't afford the electic bill to turn the whole house into an ice box, so I made a mental note to shut the air conditioner off. After breakfast of course, a hot meal would help ward off this damnable chilly air.
I passed by the collection of wall décor you'd find hanging in a high schooler's room; mainly posters of baseball super star legends, rock bands, scantily clad swimsuit wearing super models, and other such wall art I was fond of.
I was quite proud of my latest addition; it was from one of the Dawn of War games, to celebrate the release of the Soulstorm DLC that'd just come out. Of course I knew it wasn't 'official' merch, but considering how limited it was to find anything Warhammer related in my small West Virginia hometown I took what I could get. Printed on the knock off poster, striking a melancholic yet determined pose with her bolt pistol raised high, was the alabaster haired member of the latest faction to be released to the game, a Sister of Battle.
When I finally found a decent paying job and earned some money I planned on making a few armies of Sisters, Guard, and maybe a few chapters of Space Marines that I liked. I was flat out broke at the moment though and so was my family, so it'd be some time before I could get my hands on any of their figures. But, from the books I'd found in the second hand store down the lane and the video game I got last Christmas and played whenever I wasn't at school or baseball practice I knew I was hooked. I was dead set on fielding these heroes of the Imperium of Mankind, maybe one day I'd even paint them so well each model would be considered a work of art! With a brush in my hand I'd make them seem so life like, perhaps I'd be able to enter them in painting competitions or fight others in a tournament! Sure, it wasn't as physical or glamorous as baseball, but who said a jock couldn't also enjoy some fantasy here or there?
Either way that dream was a long ways off, but I really wanted to pay homage to the fantastical stories of action and battle I'd read and become so enamored by. The grim far flung future of the galaxy was a place I could retreat to when things weren't so great in life. When you considered how Sisters faced down Daemons or Astartes fought off an Ork WAAAGH! invasions your day to day troubles would seem much smaller and more manageable in comparison.
I wouldn't envy anyone stuck in that far flung future, it seemed rife with never ending wars and disasters. Even if you were just some hive citizen you couldn't escape death and despair when a Tyranid hive fleet comes knocking on your planet's door. Not to mention all the Chaos gods deliberately sabotaging things from the warp. If you had a soul in the Galaxy then you were fucked even after death.
...Something just then caught my eye as I was admiring the poster of the Sister. Something shimmery and filmy had covered the colourful sheet of laminated paper for a brief moment. Disappearing almost as soon as it'd been there. I squinted, feeling something off now that I was looking closer at the poster, or more accurately the Sister... Something had changed just then.
As I peered closer at the poster, locking eyes with the heavily armored num, a weird feeling clung to the back of my mind. The feeling got exponentially stronger as I noticed the slight movement in the young women's face.
Wait... Did... Did she just blink?
It wasn't just the Sister of Battle I realized to my horror, as the other posters in the room had begun to share the same uncanny valley feeling about them.
At once they all seemed to appear blurry, as their faces and outfits somehow began to morph and not match up with how I recalled them to be; some of the baseball legends like Pedro Martínez and Ted Williams even had their Red Sox uniforms in the wrong colour, the white and red being replaced with bright gold with purple accents. Their faces too changed, grimancing and hurridly glancing over their shoulders, they almost seemed to be sceaming out in terror at the same time. It almost looked as if they were running away from something behind them, out of focus and beyond the borders of the page instead of running towards the pitch...
I blinked a few more times and the illusion was gone. The baseball pitchers were gleefully running to their field plate and the Sister wasn't giving me her soul peircing gaze any longer. "Huh... Odd. Didn't think I needed glasses yet."
My stomach grumbled, reminding me of the breakfast was still waiting for me past the door. My hunger drove me ever closer, filling my head with the thought of sitting down with a plate stacked full of flapjacks with whip cream and freshly picked strawberries. I grinned, the happy thoughts pulling me ever closer to the door.
...Until I noticed the smell...
The oily sweet scent of freshly baked pancakes had gradually changed as I steped closer to the door, becoming increasingly overwhelming as I neared. At the threshhold it had almost reached the point I was gagging on the aroma! I covered my mouth, trying not to breath the smell in. Had Mom burned the pan? Was there too much sugar? My tired mind couldn't quite grasp what'd caused such an overload of sweetness.
Then, there was another smell, wafting in underneath the door crack, one that reminded me of something... Something awful I couldn't quite remember. It was a stench of sweat and something else that'd over ripened to the point of becoming rotten. The stench was also mixed in with an overpowering cologne to halfassedly cover it all up.
"Hurry! You've got to wake up Oliver! There's no more time left!" The tone in my mother's voice had shifted, it was no longer jovial but pleading and urgent.
At that moment standing with my hand almost reaching for the door knob it hit my like a ton of bricks, something that really should have struck me by now, but with the fog clouding my mind I'd forgotten... I recalled that my mother had died just last year.
A violent shiver ran through me, chilling me to the bone. I quickly realized I was becoming far too scared to even open the door, my hands shaking with more than just the cold. I really didn't want to see what lay beyond the barrier to my room. Whatever sort of ghostly apparition was standing on the other side I knew it was impersonating my dead family to lure me out...
"...What's wrong Oliver? Why won't you come say Good Morning to your dear old Mother?" The thing spoke in it's stolen voice.
Slowly I began to back away as the temperature in the air further plummeted down to absoute freezing. My breath was visible as I began to panic.
The choice to open the old wooden door or not was made for me, as from the other side a massive giant's hand smashed through the wooden door, sending splinters shooting out in every which direction. I shouted in abject surprise as the fatty bulbous hand reached in, grabbing me around the throat before I could have a chance to jump back. The invading limb immediately began choking the air out of me, crushing my wind pipe as I thrashed against my unknown assailant.
"You should have tried the pancakes Olivia, they were simply to die for!" Krumb cackled in his disgustingly phlemy rumbling voice. I tried to scream as the massive fat bastard dragged me out of my room and into the kitchen, but my crused wind pipe wouldn't allow it.
Blood was everywhere in the kitchen, coating everything from the floors to the ceiling. Drawers were torn up and smashed, the contents of the shelves and fridge ransacked for anything edible. Furniture crushed underfoot by the moster now filling half the room. It was a disaster.
A cold pit formed in my stomach. My mother was nowhere to be found...
With horror filling my soul I saw the same blood oozing down Krumb's triple chin, like so many gravy sauces had before. The toad bastard's mouth twisted into a hideously wide smirk, rows upon rows of rotten yellow teeth greeted me. His putrid breath almost choking me more than his enormous chubby hands.
"Breakfast was a little light though, so I hope you don't mind if I skip straight to just deserts!" The gaping maw stretched impossibly wide, large enough he was able to shove me head first down his gullet. I screamed in soul shattering terror as the monster ate me whole.
=
I screamed as I fell out of bed, bleating a cry of pure terror as I came tumbling to the carpeted floor below in a painful and loud crash.
After the initial painful shock of crash landing face first into the carpet had died down, and my limbs stopped flailing about, I of course found that I had, in fact, not been consumed by a lumbering giant demonic frog of a man dressed like King Midas. My trembling hands immediately grasped at my gasping throat, and sure enough there wasn't a pair of crushingly pudgy hands preventing air from reaching my chest. I took a deep gasp, filling my unobstructed lungs full of the warm clean air.
The sickeningly sweet and rotten smell was no longer present, only the smell of slightly musty sheets and the feint auroma of incense remained within the air, both reminiscent of the cramped old apartment I lived in for the past few years now. Mrs. Selene, my next door neighbour, being the kind of hippie that she was, would often light up a pungent incense stick or two next to her 'healing geode', or whatever the hell she kept praying to. She burned the mistical smoke on the regular so much by this point I'd lived with the acrid smell of that familiar incense for so long that the scent became intertwined with that apartment. (Whether I or anyone else was asked if we were ever bothered by the scent filtering through the cracks in the walls never seemed to cross the old karma cultist's mind. Oh well. At least it saved on air freshener.)
I slowly blinked, mulling the revelation over in my head for half a second before my two braincells finally clicked... I was home. For real this time, and not being eaten alive by a monster or kidnapped by murderous steampunk cosplayers.
"I...I'm alive..." I panted slightly out of breath, sweat dripping down my face. I wiped my brow with my pajama sleeves, the mortal peril nearly soaking me through. "Phew! It was all just a horrible nightmare! H-heh heh..." My hysteric laughter dying as my embarrassment skyrocketed in turn. A man in his early thrities, getting nightmares? Absurd.
Something else caught my attention upon speaking up, something that didn't quite feel right...
Strangely, it seemed that my throat must have unconsciously reacted to the trauma of the nightmare, as my vocal cords still felt raw and sounded off somehow; perhaps they'd constricted in my sleep (or by my screaming) as now my voice sounded far too high pitched. From my usual baritone it'd altered to an almost feminine falsetto...
"Fuuuck, my vocal cords feel weird..." I gently massaged at my throat, my digits checking if it'd been bruised somehow in my sleep or subsequent tumble. And yet, I couldn't help but let out a nervous chuckle at the strangeness of how squeaky my voice was. "It almost sounds like a I inhaled some helium in my sleep..."
Considering I wasn't dead by asphyxiation yet, I could safely rule that the air was somewhat safe to breathe in. Nor did I smell anything in the air besides the aformentioned inscense from the crazy hippy lady next door... Maybe it was an alergic reaction to being exposed to whatever exotic blend she was smokin and tokin tonight? Hard to say, I never had this sort of reaction before, but it was a possibility I couldn't rule out yet.
Also, if there was an actual gas leak in the building I was pretty sure we'd already be blown to smitherines as soon as the gas touched her collection of millions of esoteric wax candles.
Either way, regardless of if my voice was off or there was breathable air, I couldn't possibly think of doing anything else until I got my ass off the floor... And yet, as my wobbly body soon found out, getting back up was proving harder than I had first imagined. It was utterly dark inside the room, pitch black even. And so, I had to resort to groping around in the darkness like blind drunkard... I must have looked like a complete moron stumbling clumsily about on all fours.
I was unable to see what was where, where was what, and who was who while covered in this blanket of utter darkness I found myself in. My limbs loudly (and painfully) crashing into multiple objects as I crawled about...
"Shit! I'm so getting one of those clap on clap off lamps after this!"
Eventually I rediscovered the bed I'd first fallen out of. Crawling up it's quilted side I eventually found myself sitting back atop of the springy mattress, slightly out of breath by the awkward efforts. I could safely say I obtained a new appreciation for the blind and the BS they went through on a daily basis.
Anyways, there I sat, steadying my balance and waiting for my head to stop spinning like a gyro... It was harder to do than I expected, it felt like my body was a completely different size than what I was used, all the proportions were out of wack. As if I'd shrunk down to half my size... Weird...
Had I hit my head after I fell out of bed? Perhaps, but I couldn't feel any pain on my cranium, just what felt like a mat of messy bed hair. Though, for some strange reason it felt like my hair had grown out, it was down to my neck now... It hadn't been that long since I last had it cut, right?
Regardless, the most important thing my setrep found was that my heart was still thundering away like crazy inside my chest. It was like a drum set in a thrash metal band, the thumping constantly rang out between my ears as my blood pressure kept pumping uncontrollably. It seemed as if the terror of that horrible nightmare still possessed me somewhat.
"...Speaking of, that giant seemed somewhat familiar... I think I had a weird dream about fighting him earlier... And I was in a dress somehow?" I shuddered, it was certainly one of the most vivid nightmares I've ever had the displeasure to dream. "I don't know what it was I ate before I fell asleep, but I swear, never again!"
I slowly blinked, trying to adjust my eyes to the gloom. It was still too dark to tell what the time was. Especially ever since the new high rise apartment had been built next to my own crummy old apartment building, my place had been eternally cast into twilight 24/hours a day. It could have been three in the afternoon for all I knew.
"Shit... I hope it's not too late to get back to work in the morning. I was supposed to organize a press meeting with the higher ups. Sandra is going to be so fuckin pissed if I don't get that sorted..."
My career concerns aside I had a more immediate and pressing concerns to contend with, namely that my heart had still yet to calm the fuck down. It kept beating faster than I was comfortably used to, so much so I began to worry I was having a heart attack. "...Did I drink too many Monsters last night?" I wondered aloud. "Shit, I don't have time or funds to go to the hospital right now..."
I placed the palm of my bare hand up against my chest underneath my shirt, attempting to feel the beat of my heart against my ribs... However, instead of solid skin and bones I felt something completely unexpected: my hand closed around something that shouldn't have been there before I'd dozed off. My hand had groped something soft and squishy, my fingers sinking slightly into the fleshy tissue now attached of my chest.
"...Huh?"
A fatty lump of some kind had formed on my left pectoral muscle, right where my left nipple was. My other hand reached up to inspect the area, and sure enough the right side of my chest had a similar mound jutting out from it. It also jiggled slightly as my hand covered the soft flesh.
Did... Did I get fat? Is it cancer? Can guys even get breast cancer?
My hands kept massaging the excess lumps of fat on my chest, stuck in the mesmerizing exploration of this newfound abnormality of my body. It felt odd touching them, not a 'bad' odd or a 'good' odd either, but it certainly felt odd... I kept massaging them regardless, attempting to discover why I couldn't stop rubbing my chest.
It was then that the lights came back on.
I gave a startled unmanly yelp, rapidly blinking my eyes several times as I adjusted to the newfound illumination. Star spots swam inside my vision as several bright light sources blinded me from all angles. It was like I was flash banged. "Holy fuck!"
When I opened my eyes again I shockingly found I wasn't at home in my tiny metro apartment, but rather I was in a strange room I didn't recognize and decorated in a bizzar number of oddities: First, the place looked like it'd been ripped out of time from about three hundred years ago, almost like something the old British aristocracy would have owned; from the lacquered hardwood floors covered in plush velvet red carpets, to the massive quantities of oil canvas paintings hanging upon the walls, to the dragon's horde worth of golden gilded artifacts all around me this place all screamed "I'm so fuckin rich, look at how mf Posh I am! Ohoho! Let's go fox hunting to remind the poors how rich we are!" That kinda vibe, ya know?
The room was also large enough a King could possibly hold court in it, if he so wished. I recalled something I heard on a history documentary that they did indeed used to do that. Though that was more because they didn't have extra room in their castles for a separate private room or that they just wanted to show off their expensive bed frame. (Either way if some world leader nowadays rolled up to government with an Ikea bed I'm pretty sure some people would be pissed, but I digress.) The Royal bed I was currently sitting upon certainly seemed massive enough to fit a whole royal family within, including the Lords and Ladies of the court, as well as the jester. Possibly a harem too, if one were to be so inclined. The number of naked marble busts of women and angels dotted around the place certainly supported this hypothesis.
Even the incense burner placed on a nightstand next to the bed was entirely alien to me. On the side of it I could see there were gilded depictions of angels flitting about a man sitting upon a throne. I realized upon taking a whiff from the air around the burner that this was the same scent that'd pulled me from that dreaded nightmare, and not the star child neighbour of mine...
At any rate, this was absolutely, positively, certainly not my room! I gaped at the unfamiliar territory, uncomfortable with the fact that I had no idea on how I'd gotten here. "...Where the fuck am I?"
At that exact moment however a woman dressed in a black and white maid uniform decided to come crashing in through a set of double door on the far end of the room. The speed at which she smashed through those oak doors would have put a linebacker to shame.
"My Lady!!!" The maid bleated out in a shrill voice. "I heard a commotion and came as fast as I could! Are you alright?!"
Ah, I was wondering when I'd be deafened, normally that happens at the same time as the blinding white flash of light, but I suppose they had to improvise.
As my ears rang the woman rushed over to where I sat perched upon the bed. The closer she neared I could make out more and more details of the intruding maid; she was fairly young, perhaps no more than in her early twenties. She had bright orange hair tied into a thick braid at the back of her head that seemed to whip about as she ran, her eyes kept darting to either side, as if scanning the room to find some hidden threat in the shadows.
Upon approaching closer to the bed and finally looking at me she let out a startled and embarrassed 'eep' upon seeing how I had both hands still cupping my chest.
"Oh! O-oh my!" The maid began blushing profusely, going nearly as red as her braided hair.
"Wait..." I threw my hands up, sweat still running down my face and my drenched pajamas. I wasn't sure how much danger I was in, especially if I'd been kidnapped, but to have a young woman wearing a maid fetish outfit run into a swanky hotel room where you'd just woken up... It wouldn't bode well for me if this was a setup of some kind. "This isn't what it looks like!"
The maid didn't seem to heed my declaration, instead she began to back away almost as fast as she'd entered. "I-I'm so sorry to disturb your... Ah... Erm... Ahem, 'Activities' your Ladyship! Please, accept my deepest apologizes!" The maid blabbered, tripping over her words, and nearly her feet as she stumbled backwards. "And so, if you'd excuse me, I think I... Umm... left the freezer burning! Goodbye!"
"W-Wait!" As this stranger turned to run I acted before I knew it, my hand snapping up to grab her by the wrist. The momentum of pulling on her arm carried me up off the bed and simultaneously brought the maid back down. The unfamiliar maid squeaked as our bodies tumbled, switching places.
Once again I found myself back on top of the fluffy mattress, but this time I was pinning the strange women down beneath me. Oh... This did not bode well if there were cameras behind those mirrors.
...However, despite how much of a honey trap this might have been I couldn't help but take a closer look at who this maid was.
Unsurprisingly, I realized this young woman was positively stunning, with her soft milky white skin was dotted with sun kissed freckles. Emerald green eyes that shone with a feirce intelligence stared back at me, only slightly dumbfounded by my actions. Delicate lips a light cherry red gasped as she was held down into the sheets. She was an absolute drop dead beauty by any standard. If she had a set of bunny ears on I could see her working for someone like Hugh Hefner... I also noted that she was as red as a cherry tomato now that my weight was pressing down on top of her. I similarly felt a heated blush take over me, as I realized what I had just done.
"I'm so sorry! I know this looks bad, but it's really not what it looks like!" I tried to awkwardly explain the close physical contact, "Or rather, I'm sorry, but I really need your help!"
The look of confusion written across this girl's face started to match my own, so I decided it prudent to let go of her wrist. She didn't immediately bolt for the exit to report an attempted rape, so I suppose I was on the right track. "Listen... Erm..."
"I-It's Lydia, my Lady." The maid squeaked demurely.
"Oh, umm, that's a very pretty name you've got there Lydia. It suits you." I complemented. In my years being a corporate stooge learned many unpleasant lessons, many bordering on the less than legal, but one thing I've learned is that it's always easier to get someone's approval if you stoked their ego just a tad.
Christ... Even in situations like this I can't help but be a goddamn sycophant.
And yet, the maid's smile twitched slightly upwards at the complent. Well, at least my scummy tactic was working.
"Now listen Lydia, I need you to help me out here, it's urgent." I began my attempt to explain to craziness I found myself in, barely keeping the rising panic out of my voice. "Something has gone very, very wrong with my body and I need medical attention soon or I think I might die!"
At the mention of death Lydia's eyes seemed to widen, but still I pressed on.
"My heart is racing, my chest has swollen, and my head is being filled with these weird dreams! Now I've woken up in an unfamiliar place I don't know, only to have a pretty young girl barge in wearing what I am most certain is someone's fetish cosplay! I feel like I'm going crazy here!" I swallowed a tight knot in my throat after I admitted everything to this terrified woman. I felt silly explaining it all like this, but I was so lost as to what was happening to and around me. I was kinda sorta panicking out of my mind here. Give me a break!
I gazed deeply into Lydia's pools of emerald green eyes, hoping my sincerity and desperation was carried across in my mad ramblings. "Please... You've got to help me miss. You're my only hope at easing my beating heart."
Lydia gulped, trembling where she laid upon the sheets, face burning an even deeper red if were possible, but she silently bobbed her head in a nod.
Yes! Now I can finally get some answers- My train of thought was immediately derailed as I noticed the maid slowly slipping off her apron and begun unbuttoning her blouse.
"I-I heard the rumours, but I never suspected that your Ladyship had such feelings for the same gender..." I choked as Lydia pulled her shirt apart to reveal an absolutely humongous pair of breasts, only barely contained within her black lace under garments. "If... If it should please you, I offer myself up as a bed companion tonight. I-I've never been with anyone, much less ever imagined it would be with another woman... So I pray I do not dissatisfy you your Ladyship."
Like a spring loaded kitten on speed I jumped back off the bed, rocketing through the air, before landing for the second time on the ground with a loud thud. My voice let out a high pitched squeak as I scampered backwards, creating as much distance as I could between me and the half dressed maid. It seems I had been right in my assessment that this was that kind of place. "W-w-wait just a second! I didn't mean it like that!" I screamed mortified waving my arms about like a lunatic.
Lydia cocked her head to the side, startled, but still holding her spot on the bed. Her generous mounds still almost spilling out the front of her maid uniform. "O-oh... I'd thought you were..."
"NO!" I cried in a shrill voice. I could feel my face cooking as embarrassment killed me from the inside out. "I just wanted to ask you some questions and to see if I could get to a doctor! Nothing more!"
Relief and perhaps a bit of disappointment came over the young maid, "Very well, I shall see to your needs. But perhaps in future if you require certain other... 'Services' I suggest you make it plainly clear to the other servents, else we find ourselves in similar circumstances again." The Lydia chided as she sat upright from the bed.
Looking away from the half naked woman I closed my eyes shut for the sake of her decency. "P-please put your clothes back on first!"
"Very well. If that is what the Lady Governess wishes, then I shall grant it." The red headed woman began buttoning back up her blouse, once the white apron had been reattached and neatly adjusted Lydia informed me it was safe to turn around again. Upon no longer seeing a pair of giant tits shoved in my face I blew out a sigh of relief. Sexual assault allegations partially avoided! Yay!
The maid quirked an eyebrow at my odd behavior, "I realize this is a selfish request from someone so lowborn as myself, but if it should please you, may I inquire one question before we begin?"
"Sure, why not? I owe it to you for... Erm, well for being a bit of a jackass back there and giving you a the wrong impression." I rubbed the back of my head, ashamed at what I'd done now that I looked back at it. I sat back down on the bed next to the woman I'd nearly coerced into undressing, keeping a few feet between us on the giant mattress. "I'm really sorry about that by the way! I clearly wasn't thinking things through in all my panic, and I'd be happy if we could just label this all an unfortunate misunderstanding and forget about it? Hmm?"
Those green eyes looked long and hard at me, unsure as to what to make of what she saw. "...You, you really aren't like how I remember m'lady. Your behaviour is most odd." A small smile crept onto her lips though. "You're much too timid and nice. I like this new adorable side of you." I felt myself blush at that, odd since this was the first time both of us have met, but it was still a complement. I could never take those too well.
"From the way some of the other maids had been talking it sounded as if my Lady had become possessed by a foul violent spirit, bent on smashing down the spire with her bare hands." The woman then made the sign of the Aquila over her amble chest, saying a little prayer at the mention of otherworldly possession, in hopes that it may ward off any nerdowell warp spirits. I quirked an eyebrow at the superstition, but I'd save it till I'd had my turn to ask my own burning questions.
"So this may sound strange, but I have to ask this; why were you so violently flustered at the sight of my naked body M'lady? We're both women, so why does nakedness frighten you to such an extreme? That sudden reaction you gave to my bosom wasn't at all how I expected... Especially after you'd started to seduce me."
"O-okay first off, that wasn't intentional! I-I swear!" I stammered, "And secondly, I'm not a woman, I'm a man! Plain as day! So of course I was startled when an unfamiliar lady starts undressing in front of me!" The maid just looked at me confused, evidently not believing me in the slightest.
"Oookay, maybe some of the other rumours I've heard were true." Lydia whispered under her breath. I frowned at that, I wasn't sure what she meant, but I knew a dig what I heard it. Lydia saw my eyebrows curling up and was quick to recover. "I'm sorry M'lad-, sorry. But I just don't see you as anything other than the mistress I've been serving for the past decade." Lydia shook her head back and forth, "Pray tell, why are you so confused about who you are now?"
I wasn't making any progress here, everybody seemed to be mistaking me for someone I was clearly not! Just be because of- Wait, was it due to those lumps? Did my chest swelling up somehow lead these people into mistaking who I am? Damn, whoever this girl was that I'd been replaced with must surely have had it bad in the looks department. I mean, I'm a thirty year six foot old man! If all it took was to add boobs to me to make us look similar she must have been hit hard with the ugly stick. I pitied this girl.
"Ah, I see where the confusion is, it all makes sense now! It's because my chest has swollen up that you think I'm a woman, isn't it?" The confused look I got didn't help, but still I pressed on. "I can see it now: I have an allergic reaction, probably due to some bad junk food I ate, I get some severe inflammation, and when you find me laying on the street passed out you assume I'm this 'Lady' of yours and drag me back here! It all makes sense!"
Dead silence met me, by the look on the other woman's face it seemed as if I told her the galaxy was square or some shit. "That... That makes absolutely no sense, at all."
"It does! It totally does!" I shouted, indignant. I began listing the symptoms some bad food poisoning might cause with my fingers. "It explains my headache, my weird dreams, and my squishy breasts! It even explains how my throat seems to have been tightened to the point I sound like a pubescent girl!" I held up all four fingers to the maid, proud of my little deduction. "Ockham's razor, you've done it again!"
I wasn't expecting the hand to reach out and hold me by my shoulder, but as I looked into the Lydia's expression I could see nothing but weary exhaustion. She didn't believe a single word I just said. "...My lady, you're tired, perhaps you should rest. We can see to an apothecary, or a ministorum priest, in the morning should you wish. But right now I think some sleep before morning would do you good."
Crap, I was loosing her! I needed some proof to show that this was all just a misunderstanding! I needed to show her exactly what was going wrong with my chest, that was all the proof I needed right there on the rash.
"Oh yeah? Then explain these!" I lifted up my shirt, exposing my bare breasts to the open air. "They're caused by an allergic reaction! They're not real! See!" I cupped one of the small lumps, showing it off-
Huh...
I looked down at it myself, noting how none of the skin I was holding was red or inflamed, merely a pearl white without any trace of blemishing... Huh?
A slight tinge of crimson crept back into the Lydia's face, she gave me a highly unamused look. "I thought we weren't going to be exposing ourselves, but very well." The woman deadpanned, "My Lady, your breasts are perfectly fine for your age, do not worry, they will grow larger with age and nutrition. You needn't consider yourself a male in order to cope with their current... Lacking volume." That last part seemed to be some kind of insult, but I didn't care, I was too distracted by my chest to feel any hurt by it.
"If you're quite done with these silly games I bid you good night, and I pray your sanity returns to you in the morning."
The frustrated maid got up, patted down the creases in her blouse, and started walking towards the exit. I couldn't fathom the words to draw her back, too locked in on the completely natural, unfamiliar, and squishy mass in my hand... It was a tit. A real, honest to god tit in my hand... Only it was attached to my chest, which had seemingly narrowed down to being half size and width of the body I'd grown up with and lived in for thirty years.
"I... I have tits now..."
Just to be extra sure, and by the way panic was definitely setting in by now, I undid the lacy draw string around my waist and pulled down the light fabric around my lower half. What I expected to see was missing, and what had replaced it made me scream my shrill voice out.
=
In the morning things had not changed at all, much to my eternal chagrin. My body was still not my body and I was hopelessly lost in this new situation I found myself stuck in. The panic of discovering my "altered state" as it were had died down, only to be replaced with mild horror and a bloody headache. The shock had jolted my mind fully awake by now and yet I still struggled with putting the pieces together. Namely wondering how the hell I had wound up in the Warhammer 40M universe with the body of some teenage girl.
Yes, my memories of the previous day's bloody events were slowly coming back to me like some drunken night of binge drinking, and by that I mean it was like pulling rusty nails out of my brain. Each time I had to think too hard on some memory or another of the fight or something someone had spoken to me a part of my brain started sizzling. I broke out into a cold sweat as the gravity of my situation finally sunk in.
"Holy fuck holy fuck holy fuck! Why did I do all that?! WHY?!" I began to hyperventilate, holding my knees close to my chest as I rocked back and forth on top of the impossibly large bed. "Those guys had swords! Guns too! I could have died back there! I almost did! Why in the fuck did I start a brawl with a bunch of Imperial nobility!? AHHHH!" And so my jittering rambling went.
I kept expecting one of the shadows in the room to dissolve and reveal itself to be the form of a black cloaked killer, sent by one of the nobles I'd disgraced by decking them in the face or groin. I'd kicked their asses real hard in that blood rage, perhaps some of them would seek to get their revenge for their asses by sending an assassin. It would be a fitting end for an ass like myself, I assumed.
Other memories started to seep into my head, flashes of scenes I'd never seen before, they came like waves crashing into my vision. Were they the memories of who this girl I was suspected of being? They were mostly warped and I could only gleam the barest hints as to what I was seeing. Between my own memories and the ones from this body's past, the ones I'd made yesterday were the absolute clearest, it seemed the more recent the higher the quality.
For example as I recalled how I'd passed out after punting the fat toad bastard into high atmosphere. I could also remember the colours of the stained glass as it shattered. The stunned looks on everyone's faces as they witnessed the killing and the exhileration the showed as they declared me their new Planetary Governor... Fucked, it was right fucked I'd say.
The other memories I saw had parts missing, either people's faces, the walls disappearing, or all sound entirely. The deeper I dug, the less defined it all became. Only my own memories seemed relatively untouched by this madness, at least I could still remember my own face... Which only caused me further grief each time I looked in the mirror and saw someone else's.
How in the warp did I even get here like this? How did I unwittingly just possess this noble girl from thirty eight millennia in the future!? Did we switch places when she was struck in the head by Krumb's minion? Or did we fusion dance into a singular being and this Olivia person was still trapped inside her body, forced to watch me ruin everything?
I couldn't tell, at least not at this stage.
A great big wave of nausea swept over me, nearly knocking me face first to the floor. I began to stumble before I caught myself. I felt my nose start to bleed. "Ow... My fucking head..."
Wiping my nose off with one of the silk pillows I started to steady my rapidly beating heart with some breathing exercises I'd learned back at the office, when one client or another started getting under my skin or I was told I needed to submit plans by the end of the day that hadn't existed until I was told to make them last minute. I knew I had to get a grip on my shaky sanity before something else out there decided to grip me instead.
Best leave that lie for now... Something's fucking with my head, some of those memories may or may not even be my own, but poking around in them carelessly seems a bad idea... I held my head in my hands, waiting for the migraine to subside. ...Clearly my new body is telling me I should avoid using that part of my noggin unless I want an aneurysm. It felt like I was about to pop a blood vessel just now. I thought morbidly to myself. Not an entirely hard process if I was being completely honest. I think my transition to this much smaller body meant I left some brain cells behind in my old one...
At any rate, I now knew something useful about my fucked up scenario: I was absolutely fucked five ways from Sunday and there wasn't a goddamn thing I could do to stop it.
What? It's kinda useful, if everything is guaranteed to go to shit then why not live life to the fullest each day?
Okay, maybe I'm not that optimistic, but give me a break! I just realized I was trapped in one of the edgiest fictional universes ever devised! The fact that I wasn't, say, reincarnated as a Drukhari sex slave says a whole fucking lot.
It could always be worse...
Even spending a single minute here in this twisted version of the Milky Way was tempting fate beyond reason. I've read the Ciaphas Cain novels, I know just how well fate here will toss you around like a gerbil in a washing machine! Any second now a Genestealer cult or a band of Chaos worshippers could spring a convoluted trap and doom this entire planet!
While I waited for the world to inevitably end in the meantime I'd taken the time to finding a mirror within the room. I wanted to see just what kind of strange body I'd been saddled with for the foreseeable bloody future... At least a mirror larger than the handheld one in the nightstand.
A few minutes poking around the palace bedroom and lo and behold there was indeed one tucked away in a far corner over by some dresser cabinets. It was similar to one of those long narrow one's you'd find in your grandma's house, especially since the frame was made of musty old oak. It was attached to some kind of extending armature set into the wall for easy storage and movement... A contradiction I soon found as setting it up properly had been a chore and a half, as the unwieldy contraption didn't seem to want to budge from it's spot and I no longer had the same muscle toned body that I previously possessed... Just one more insult to injury I suppose.
When the mirror was set up (really just pulled down far enough that I could see into) I gazed upon the body I now inhabited.
The first thing I noted was much shorter I was, so much so that if I had been standing before my old body my tiny stature would probably only be reaching up to my waist in height. The second after that was that I was far too girly to even be remotely considered a man anymore... From my delicate soft skin to the loose silvery locks of silky hair that reached my shoulders, from my tiny button nose to the twinkle in my purple gem like irises. I (and I was loathed to admit this) was freaking adorable.
Seriously, it was like looking at a tiny little angel staring back at me! The girl in the mirror was akin to one of those main characters you only see in anime, the kind where she was either the bratty rich girl who acts all tsundere or was the class beauty that'd sit next to the main protagonist's desk. Just give me a wand and I'd probably be instantly called a Magical Girl or a Princess to a fantasy kingdom.
Why was I thinking in terms of over done anime tropes for beauty standards? Well I'm so (not) glad you asked...
See, when it comes to physical perfection in real life you can only get so far with this sort of look, at least not without a shitton of botox and cosmetics. But, as I pinched and squeezed my cheeks I found that this alteration to my body was seemingly au natural. No makeup or trace of plastic surgery at all. The closest I could compare this impossibly high grade of natural beauty to someone in real life is maybe Jenifer Lawrence or Taylor Swift (don't you judge me, she made some good songs). Also, sparkling purple eyes and silver white hair on a young girl was not at all natural, though as I inspected the roots of my shoulder length hair it was indeed somehow the case.
Most importantly of all I was disheartened to learn that Mr. Johnson and the twins had not survived the transition to this new body. My family heirlooms had indeed disappeared, only to be replaced with his more female counter part... I refrained from further exploration past the mons, as truth be told I was terrified of what I'd discover... I was by no means a stranger to the feminine body, but that didn't include my own. I settled for merely squeezing my small chest to confirm it's strange replacement. I suppressed a shudder after touching one with my cold hand against my breast. Something I didn't want to feel started to stir in me as my heart began to race. Another squeeze and I let out a small mewling gasp.
"NOPE!" I screamed, dropping the shirt down, "Nopenopenope!" Quickly putting back my pajamas the way they were I resolved to jumping into an ice bath the first chance I got. I was not ready for that! The girl in the mirror I noted was blushing almost as profusely as the maid from last night. Perhaps I shouldn't carelessly poke and prod at things... This can lead to dangerous places if I'm not careful...
Why had I become the girl I saw before me? Was my body experimented on as a product of genetic manufacturing? Did someone curse me into turning into this body with fowl chaos magics? Had I somehow fallen into a rift in the Warp and landed in someone else's body? Hard to say, as I was an expert in neither mad future science nor magic. Perhaps someone like Magnus or Big E could tell me, but I doubt either of them would take collect astropathic calls from complete nobodies. All I could say was that this, the perfect alien doll like creature, who was staring at me in horror from the mirror, was not who I was.
The tiny mouth on the girl twitched, forming a shaky smile before shattering into a morose frown. "...I fuckin hate this."
A knock came from the door, and in came the maid from earlier. This time she had others accompanying her; a Franciscan monk looking old man holding a book called the Lectitio Divinitatus, followed by what could only be described as a "walking electrician's nightmare". Lydia still made it a point of not believing a single word of what I'd said yesterday, explaining it similarly to the two new arrivals that I was suffering from some sort of malady of the mind or soul.
"Hmm, yes this is quite serious." The monk spoke gravely, "Ailments of the spirit can be quiet terminal if left untreated. I shall preform a cleansing ritual of this room and ask for protection by His Holiness, the Emperor of Mankind, to guild our Lady's spirit back to it's righteous path!"
The red hooded cable box chittered in some alien speak before dialing in on a more comprehensible frequency. "...And this Unit shall determine which illness has plagued the body, the flesh is weak but malleable, correcting the imbalance of humors shall not pose a significant..." The Techpriest's voice briefly returned to ear piercing static, before another dial was twisted to correct the interference. "...Issue. The Omnisiah has guided me through the trails and tribulations of the Adeptus Biologis, so I too shall uncover the malady of the that ails thee! Let the Motive Force show us the path to this knowledge!"
I swallowed the hard lump in my throat, I didn't like this one bit...
"Well M'lady, I've brought these two just like you asked me to." I spotted a slight mischievous smile to the maid's tight lips. Oh, this bitch was enjoying this! "Don't worry, Brother Martin and Magos Antrax are highly qualified and will make you feel much better once we've sorted this... Unfortunate business out. I shall be praying for your good health until then."
I shuddered like a leaf, eying up the many arrays of needles and buzz saws attached to the Mechanicus Magos Biologis's mechandendrites with wide eyed fear. "Hey, umm, if this is about last night, I'm really sorry..."
"No need to apologize," the maid smiled a bit too sweetly, "We all make mistakes and fall short in our intentions. 'Let us not let temptation sway us from the blessed path', isn't that right Brother Martin?"
"Oh yes! And let us all rejoice in His guidance away from such wickedness!" The man held aloft his book revelantly, like it was a holy relic... Which for all I knew might have been. From the age of the yellowed pages and warn leather cover it might as have been a first edition. His other hand held a censure on a chain, fowl smelling incense smoke spilling out of it like fog. "Through His word alone Humanity shall be redeemed! Those that shun His grace shall burn in Holy damnation for their falsehoods! Amen!"
Lydia brought her hands together in a clap, to me it sounded almost like a gunshot. "And there you have it, I sincerely hope you learn something valuable from this experience M'lady!" I was sweating bullets by the time the door finally closed in on my room. My nightmare had only just begun...
=
"The ritual should have worked!" A shadowy figure screeched, they were seething in maddening anger. Spittle flying with every syllable. "Instead of summoning one of the Devine Four's servants we get something completely unknown unleashed to the Warp! A variable we cannot control! It will ruin us! In fact, I bet it already has!"
A beaked nose peaked out from beneath another cloaked hood, the figure towering above it's compatriot. The nose twitched spastically, as if the owner of the proboscis was looking at every shadow it could all at once. "I told you we should have used dried Chogorin horse tongue instead of crystalized Eldar ears! But nooo, someone had to have an excuse to use their overpriced ingredient! It threw the ritual all off I tell you!" The nose squawked. "The ritual needed to be perfect, precise and calculated! Or else catastrophe would and will occur! And look at the results! We've had to flee to the mid levels of the Spire just to avoid being captured along with those unwitting peons in the nobility! You, brother, have ruined all of our plans!"
"Not so!" The stubbier cloaked figure rose up to their full height, their bulkier body showing through their garments. "Those Farseer Ears were perfect for this! Their alchemical properties and psychic conductivity should have enhanced the spell further! Further I say! It would have possibly brought forth a Lord of Change even! You're just jealous I had some in stock while you only had second rate ritual ingredients!" The cultist jeered, "And also, you poured in the wrong isotope into the cauldron! It's 'Iridian', not 'Iridium'! Not to mention your chalk circles were imperfect, as always!"
"Me!? You're blaming me, brother!?" The nose turned up at the accusation, "You were the one that messed up the chanting! You always were the one to screw up things for us! You karking imba-"
"SILENCE!" A thunderous voice boomed inside the small chamber they all stood in. The command was immediately heeded by the mornic twins, who shook like willowy branches in a typhoon. "I've had it with your inane squabblings! You two are acting like a bunch of spoiled children, not the architects of fate you claim to be!"
Both siblings looked at one another, seemingly coming to the same conclusion for once. They put aside their fear of the larger member of their conspiracy. Sure, he towered over both of then, but with two against him it might tip the favor their odds. "Oh yeah, and who made you in charge?" They both said in sync.
The man pulled a massive chainsword out from beneath his tattered cloak, dropping it he let the weapon's weight crash down upon the table between the three. The ornate wood began to creak under the strain of the red painted killing implement... As the crimson dripped down off the chainsword's carbide teeth to the table and floor below it became clear it was painted red in the traditional way. The taste of burning copper filled dark room. The message was clear as day: any challenge would be met with deadly force, but it was there if they so wanted it.
Neither of the cultists could hold a candle in a fight against the mountain of rippling muscle. They were schemers, not fighters. That was to say, cowards. "O-Oh okay, p-point taken th-then!" One of the twins whimpered, "You're the Boss!"
"Y-yes! W-whatever you say Boss!" The other bobbed his head so fast his skull was liable to come flying off.
Their new leader snorted, he despised these sniveling sycophants. His Lord especially hated their patron's guts and abhorred their use of arcane magiks, it was dishonorable and he was shamed to even be stuck with them like this. Should He wish to command him he'd gladly slay these two morons before him and be done with their ilk... But no, no such commandment had been given to him by his Lord. If He did not wish for their skulls to be taken yet then he too shall bide his time.
"Pray to your miserable God you do not change my mind..." the warrior growled, sending fresh shivers down the twin's spines as their blood turned to ice.
Co-operation was a rare thing between their sects, especially after such a major catastrophe. Normally most cults of the Undivided would implode into infighting and squabbling upon a defeat, warring over what resources they could extract before it was too late. Much the like how it nearly had to them after Krumb's defeat. With his bid for the crown gone and his personal lackeys in chains many of their number had fled to the lower levels of the Hive or vanished into the countryside. The expected discovery of their faiths and the pursuant las bolt to the head kept many in hiding.
Cowards! The lot of them! The Khornite cultist swore, If I see any of their miserable hides again I'll string them up by their entrails!
At the very least some of their number remained, the twin Tzeentch followers, as spineless as they were, had at least kept their oath to the pact of the Undivided. So they still had to be good for something... Even if their bid to summon a greater Daemon upon Krumb's coronation had failed they had their part to play. The newly appointed cult leader held severe doubts as to what they might accomplish. However, they were what he had to play with.
Only Tzeentch and Khronite cultists remaining... It'll be a wonder if we don't tear each other apart before long. At least with the Nurglite cultists around there was a balance to these things.
Speaking of, how had their fat lard of a pawn been vanquished so easily? It'd come as a shock to many among their number, the new cult leader had similarly thought the doughy usurper would have had at least some divine protection from either Grandfather Nurgle or even Slaanesh give his excessive eating habbits. In the Kornite's opinion Krumb didn't seem the easiest of bastards to chop up, even with a chainsword. And yet, it was the tiny Princess from the previous governor that had done him in all by herself. Sending his body plummeting from the highest spire in the hive in a rather flashy display... It was said they were still finding bits of his splattered remains hanging from chapel spires and on the roofs of some rather shocked lower nobility. (On a rather strange note, apparently one of his pulverized feet had shot out from the impact site to smash through the roof of an orphanarium. Though none of the children were harmed by the impact it was said that the unlucky headmistress would not be sourly missed.)
The saving of her family from an a greedy usurper and winning an impossible fight had left an impression upon the masses. Rumours were spreading at this very moment that she was some kind of holy warrior sent by the Emperor himself. A reincarnation of a Saint, here to deliver them from injustice and sin.
Bah! No more than the idle gossip of servants and weak willed cronies. The cult leader surmised, The Corpse Emperor does not care for them and their daily toils. He does not listen to those that fight in his name! I should severe the head of this pretender to the Governor's throne! Show them all who is truly mighty once I take their skulls! Yes, it shall be a fight of a century!
His steaming hot blood was pumping just thinking of what she would be like in a fight. Who would have guessed a snotty little upper spire noble could prove such an interesting foe?
Just you wait Governess Olivia Vomia, our fight shall be legendary!
An unholy light shined out from the runes carved into the walls above them. All was not lost... This was merely a setback. The Gods were watching them now.