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NINE
I flew straight back home. Ignored Tobias tracking me as I got close to the farm. Landed in the cornfield closest to my house and walked out a couple minutes later. The back door had a hide-a-key; I used it, replaced it, and went inside.
In the last few months I'd started leaving a set of pyjamas Rachel got me in the mudroom. I grabbed them now, put them on over my morphing outfit. Crept through the living room, into the kitchen.
Opened the fridge. Stared. Shut it again. I was wide awake.
Movement at the kitchen window had me turning. It was dark outside, but I could still see the hawk perched just outside, on the front porch railing.
I stared at him for a long moment. Shrugged. I took the kitchen side door outside, towards the barn.
It was dark and warm inside. Slightly noisy. It smelled like hay and dander and musk. I sat on a straw bale near the side door and took a slow breath.
«Are you sure this is a good idea?» Aftran had been silent since before I burned off most of my anger flying back, watching me. I could feel her apprehension and distaste. «He could bring Aximili with him.»
«He is absolutely bringing Ax for backup.» I said. «But he wouldn't have shown up like that if he wasn't willing to talk.»
«Or unless it's an ambush.» Aftran said darkly. But she didn't do anything except worry.
Tobias came winging in the hayloft door a moment later. A northern harrier came in right after him, both of them flaring their wings and perching on the beams overhead. Tobias moved his head and looked right at me, his fierce golden eyes boring into mine.
He said nothing. Neither did Ax, but I didn't really expect him to. Ax has trouble being objective around controllers, and that's what I was.
I tried not to think about how that made me feel, how that never bothered me or mattered to me much until now. It made me feel ill. Conflicted.
The awkwardness stretched. I was considering saying something when Tobias dropped into the silence «Rachel says she saw Cassie hug her dad.» He let the statement hang there. He said nothing about where I'd been tonight.
I moved my jaw a little, bit my lip. Was this a mistake? Was it even worth answering? Anything I said was something Aftran could also say.
The only way to start to prove I was telling the truth about speaking on my own was something Aftran wasn't willing to do— uninfest me, stay helpless while I spoke. It was the same problem that had gotten me into this situation in the first place.
"What am I supposed to say?" I finally said into the silence, frustrated, my voice strained. "You can't trust that it's me talking to you. I can't want you to— because if it wasn't me talking to you, trusting lies coming out of my mouth could be lethal for you."
I thought for a minute. Added, "I wish I could tell you that you could trust me. But just because she's letting me speak now doesn't mean she won't use that against all of us in the future, use me to lie to you once you—" my ability to speak abruptly cut off. So did my control.
«What are you doing?» Aftran hissed. She was right there. Emotion hovered around her, something ruthless and cold. Ready.
«Telling the truth.» I said. «I can't trust you. They can't either.»
«If we can't trust each other, this isn't going to work.» Her voice was heavy with meaning.
«You just cut off my ability to speak because I said something you didn't like.» I snapped. I felt weary. «You said we had a deal. I can't trust that's true, not if you're doing stuff like this.»
«... You okay?» Tobias's tone was apprehensive. Weirded out.
Aftran held up my hand near my chin in a negligent 'wait' gesture. "Discussing." She said abruptly, dismissive.
«You said except in life or death situations,» she snapped back. «You are telling your friends, who want to kill me, that I can't be trusted. That is directly contributing to my risk of death.»
«It's the truth!»
«It can be the truth and still violate the terms.» She wasn't budging.
«Fine. I'll just have to trust them to be smart.»
She stayed too close and heavy in my thoughts for a long moment. Then she gave me some distance, went back to watching me the way she had all night.
It was a second or so before I realized I could take a deep breath. I did. It came out shaky.
Tobias' head moved a little as he watched me. Ax was still, stiff, body language hostile. "She got mad at me." I said after a second. "We…" I hesitated. Tried to think of a way to make them understand.
"We have an agreement. On how this… this controller thing is going to work out. I broke it, so. She got mad, cut me off."
Ax spoke for the first time. His thought-speech was intense, measured. «What kind of agreement?»
"Um." I said. I felt terrible. Ashamed. "I have control if I want it. No endangering her life. No endangering my life" I added that on the fly, thinking of my near-death in wolf morph from her recklessness just an hour ago. I felt her acknowledge the addition and shied away, disturbed. "She can cut me off and take over if it's a life or death situation."
Neither of them spoke.
"It's better than the alternative." I whispered.
«The alternative only takes three days.» Ax said harshly. «At most.»
I blinked. I'd been thinking of that first eighteen hours or so, when I'd been terrified and begging and pleading with Aftran, when I'd had no control.
I thought about whether I wanted to speak up, defend her at all. I sat for a moment, tired. So tired.
The silence stretched. I suddenly didn't really know if I could talk about this anymore. Why had I come out here?
"Well," my mouth said, my body popping up off the straw bale. "I'm glad she got that little heart-to-heart out." Aftran headed straight for the door. "Cassie could use some rest." She paused, glanced back at Ax up on the beam opposite Tobias. "I'll sleep well knowing my own personal crack surveillance team is watching over me."
«Could you… not… mouth off at him? Please?» I asked bleakly, absolutely wrung out. «I get it, you hate Andalites, he missed us leaving, but that's my friend. He's saved my life.»
She paused. Not just in my head; she paused my entire body, just as my hand touched the doorknob. She turned my head back. Stared right into Ax's raptor eyes.
"In the interests of a good working relationship with Cassie," she said, suddenly much more serious, "I apologize. I am sure you both are stressed. So am I."
She left, walking my body to the house, through the kitchen, up the stairs, to my room. I took over, took off my pajamas, changed my morphing outfit for a clean one. Pretended for my own sanity that none of that had just happened and went to bed.