Chapter 65, Cursing To Win
Spring break flew by far too quickly, and before Severus knew it, it was time to return to Hogwarts.
"Don't be sad, Kid. You can still come visit even after I've graduated," Raislen said upon noticing Severus's crestfallen expression as the two headed downstairs with their trunks. Sadly it was time to be at King's Cross to catch the train. For once, Severus wasn't eager to meet back up with their other friends, simply because it meant this trip was over. Even though he slept in the library, Severus kept his things upstairs in the guest room.
He nodded, knowing that Raislen's words were true. It was still nice to hear them, though. "I'll hold you to that," he said, giving his friend a smile, because Raislen's words had made him feel better. This was the last trip to Raislen's while they were both students, but them attending Hogwarts together had nothing to do with vacation visits. Such visits would be all the more important after Raislen graduated anyway, Severus suddenly realized. They would need time for all the catching up on things they'd missed in one another's lives.
"This too shall pass," Raislen said, patting his shoulder with the hand that wasn't lugging his trunk. Severus had his floating along behind him, but Raislen preferred to build muscle by carrying his. Though Severus was feeling better, Raislen could clearly tell that his friend still wasn't at one-hundred percent just yet. "Before you know it, you won't be a student either, and we'll be back to seeing far more of one another again."
"But remember, no babysitting," Severus warned and Raislen laughed. "Besides," Severus added. "I hope you two will hold off on having children for several years! We shall want to have time to travel and do grand things."
Raislen nodded. "For sure. Heather and I very much want to have fun before we settle down, get real jobs and start adulting as my dad calls it."
"Good," Severus said, giving a sigh of relief. "Because things are already changing too fast," he admitted. The words just spilled from him, completely unplanned, but after they were out, he felt better for it.
"I know that, Kid. I've had my momentary panic attacks over it too, if you recall." Severus gave a slight smile, recalling Raislen's words on the way to the owlery when they'd gone to write their parents about this very visit. "It comes and goes rather like the ocean tide," Raislen quipped. "One day you're terrified, and the next you are completely ready for change and certain that it will be perfect." He chuckled. "Just so you know what to expect." Severus made a face, not looking forward to more emotional upheavals.
"Are you going to be alright side-Apparating Severus to King's Cross, Raislen?" Mr. WestCraven asked, meeting them at the bottom of the stairs. It seemed he'd come from the direction of the library, Severus thought with a small inner pang. With them having to go directly to the train, there would be no time for any after breakfast reading. "If you like, I can help."
"I Apparated us here, didn't I," Raislen mock demanded. "I did not waste your galleons on that Apparation class!"
Mr. WestCraven chuckled. "Very well. I just thought I'd offer." Face softening, he clapped Raislen on the shoulder. "I am very proud of you, Son. I want you to know that I've spoken to my boss about getting you and Heather some training if you two are still interested in working in The Department Of Mysteries."
"Really?!" Raislen's face lit.
Mr. WestCraven nodded. "When ever you are ready."
"Likely in a few years," Raislen said. "Perhaps four. We want to travel and do great things, right Kid?"
Severus nodded.
"If you'd like a job by that time, I can help," Mr. WestCraven said, turning his open smile on Severus. "Honestly, I always pictured you doing something more along the lines of historical research, considering your fascination with Merlin, though."
"He means you'd be wasted at the Ministry, but Heather and I will do," Raislen quipped, amusement in his dancing green gaze as he grinned at his father.
"They are equally important callings," Mr. WestCraven said. "Our research in The Department Of Mysteries is very ground-breaking."
Severus nodded. "He's right. The Department Of Mysteries Is Fascinating! Perhaps I would wish to work there too some day."
"You would be an asset anywhere you wanted to go," Mr. WestCraven told Severus with a fond smile.
Touched, Severus found himself returning the smile. Briefly he wondered what it would be like being free to live this life full of bountiful choices. There was revenge to seek against Voldemort, though, and that had to happen first. Then he could be free to do whatever he liked in any career he wished. He could even explore more than one just to make certain he'd made the best choice for himself. He could do all of this and more as soon as Voldemort had paid for killing his father.
"Are you alright, Son," Mr. WestCraven asked.
The concern in his voice snapped Severus out of his thoughts. Once more he had allowed too much of his thoughts to show on his face, an unfortunate quality that often got him into unwanted trouble with Grandfather Prince. Though this was not the case with Mr. WestCraven, the fact that he could not be honest about his thoughts caused him an unpleasant stab of guilt. "Just regretting that the visit is over, Sir. I shall miss this place and all of you." He grinned. "You, Mrs. WestCraven and the library.""
Mr. WestCraven gave a hardy laugh. "Well you know you are welcome back any time you like."
"I told him that," Raislen said. "I thought he even believed me, for he appeared to cheer up for a bit."
Severus smirked dryly at his friend. "Weren't you the one who warned me that such moods would come and go like... what was it that you said? The ocean tide?"
"I did say that,"Raislen admitted with a sigh.
"Well the two of you had better get going, else you'll miss riding with your friends on the train," Mr. WestCraven warned. "As it's your last time, Raislen, I should not think you would wish to miss it. Are you quite certain I can't help by Apparating Severus?"
"I've got it, Dad," Raislen said with a good natured grin. "Let's go, Kid." He took Severus's arm with the hand that wasn't grasping his trunk. Hastily, Severus scooped his own trunk up and bade a hasty farewell to Mr. WestCraven and they were off. This time the unpleasant lurching in his stomach had nothing to do with thoughts of Voldemort. It had every bloody thing to do with Raislen's Side-Apparating.
His Mum's was far smoother. Perhaps Raislen should've paid Eileen for lessons. He chose not to comment, though, because Raislen was a good friend, not to mention he hadn't asked for Severus's opinion on his Side-Apparating skills. Besides, he likely hadn't had the opportunity to practice on anyone other than Severus anyway. Surely he would get better with time. And if he did not, Severus would be able to Apparate himself soon enough anyway.
"Hi, you two!" Heather's voice called out from behind them.
"We wondered if you were going to miss the train," Regulus chimed in. Severus turned with Raislen to see the two approaching and just like that, the spring holiday was truly over. In spite of the earlier encouraging words from Raislen as well as Mr. WestCraven, the well of depression deepened in Severus's stomach. He wanted to be happy to see his friends, but he just wasn't. It wasn't personal, and he even felt guilty for it, but he did not wish to return to Hogwarts yet. What he really wanted was to return to WestCraven manor and retreat into his library never to come out again unless it was to travel and do something exciting with Heather and Raislen. Kreacher and Regulus could even come along as well. He did not mind their presence, so long as it did not represent returning to Hogwarts, because now returning to Hogwarts meant the end of everything else, at least for now.
"Are you quite well, Severus," Regulus asked, suddenly concerned.
"What? I..."
"We are just adjusting to changes," Raislen said, forcing a smile as he patted Severus's shoulder in understanding.
"Well you'd better do it on the train before it leaves us," Regulus said. "We already saw the Gryffindor Gits boarding, but they were smart enough to leave us alone."
Heather smirked, tossing her hair. "Even though there were two of us and four of them, they are aware that we play to hurt and win, so they stick to ganging up on one." She chuckled. "Thanks to Severus, though, they shall swiftly learn that four to one won't work so well for them anymore."
Severus sighed. "I still haven't gotten to use that curse yet," he complained. Though they started with him enough, he did not wish to return the favor. He would never be like them. He may finish it but good, but it was always deserved. He was not the sort to start a fight, and he wasn't going to allow those gits to turn him into that sort of person. It would be allowing them to win something far bigger than a fight, and he knew it.
"They shall give you an opportunity soon, I am sure," Raislen said dryly as the four boarded the train. "They can't control themselves, after all. They won't be able to resist starting trouble as soon as one of them has a bad day or you show them up in a class or something." Severus nodded, knowing that Raislen was right.
It was odd hoping that the gits would attack him, but for once he was eagerly looking forward to it. They spent the next few minutes inadvertently annoying students by opening and closing compartment doors in their search for a place to sit. "If the two of you had come earlier, we could've snagged an empty compartment before everything got full," Regulus complained. "As it is, we may have to share with some annoying first year or worse, a Gryffindor!"
Heather let out a little mock scream, causing Severus to start before sending an annoyed frown her way that she completely missed. Regulus laughed, pleased that Heather had appreciated his wit. Eventually they found an empty compartment all the way in the back of the train. Severus had hoped to settle back into the rhythm of things and begin to feel normal again, because being sulky and sad was anything but productive and made him feel weak. With Heather and Raislen about, things could return to normal.
The visit at Raislen's could fade as normal school life took its place. But this did not happen. The pervasive sadness and mild dread still clung to Severus, a dark mood that even the snack cart coming round could not shake. He did not even feel better when Regulus insisted on treating everyone! He did not even really enjoy his Cauldron Cake, feeling distant and removed as he made himself eat it. He did have the presence of mind to thank Regulus politely, though. It was hardly Black's fault that he was out of sorts. He could not summon up much interest for the Hogwarts food at the feast either, but he ate mechanically nonetheless.
When the next day's classes did not even serve as enough of a distraction to shake him out of his funk, Severus began to feel a bit concerned. Grumpy he could handle, but gloomy depression was not an emotional state that he wished to cultivate within himself. It made him feel far too bloody helpless! It drained any enjoyment he may have in any moment, not to mention it made focusing on studies difficult!
Not usually one for strong emotions other than irritation or enthusiasm, he didn't exactly know how to go about addressing the problem within himself. He couldn't simply change his mood, or he would do! In a sense, it felt as if he was stuck at the bottom of a narrow, tall, and deep hole. Everyone and everything in which he found interest or enjoyment was way up out of the hole, in the light where he could not reach.
He could hear them faintly, even see a flicker of shadow in which there was light, but he was mostly down in the hole where pleasant things were far removed. He wanted to reach for them, to pull himself up and out of the hole, but though he figuratively reached, he was unable to rise above the well of what had to be depression that had seemingly swallowed him. He'd had no idea the trip to Raislen's would have this effect, but somehow it had. He moved through the next three days or so in a flat dull sort of state, replying when spoken to and doing his school work mechanically.
In the evenings, he attempted to study, but often had to read a page three or four times over to make it register. In the end, help came from a source that Severus never would've suspected. Classes were over for the day, and he was heading outside to meet Heather, Raislen and Regulus. They'd all expressed an interest to study out at the lake for a change of scenery now that the weather was a bit nicer. For his part, Severus was unable to muster up much enthusiasm for the process of studying, or even for conversation with his friends.
He would go through the motions, though, in hopes that simply behaving normally would cause this funk to clear. He was perhaps half way to the lake when suddenly James bloody Potter and Sirius bloody Black seemed to spring up in front of him from nowhere! As clearly they had not simply sprung up, he obviously had not been paying attention. That was not good. He really had to get a hold on himself. "Where you going, Snivellus?" Sirius asked the question in a falsely cheerful sunny kind of voice, a wide nearly rictus smile spread across his face that certainly did not reach his eyes. Oh how Severus hated him!
"Get out of my way," Severus ground out through gritted teeth.
"He is in such a hurry," James crooned. His expression was amused, laughter dancing in his eyes. He was laughing at Severus, so while not as openly vicious as Sirius, it annoyed Severus just as much. No one enjoyed being laughed at, and Severus was certainly no exception. James bloody Potter with his stupid glasses had no right to laugh at anyone. "Do you know where I think he's off to, Sirius," James asked pleasantly. "I think he's off to see his boyfriend, Regulus."
"I just bet," Sirius smirked. Severus's heart filled with rage and disgust before sudden joy took over, because the gits had just given him a reason to practice his shiny new curse. The joy also served nicely to calm the rage, so it was even safe to cast it.
"I made something," he found himself saying as he slowly drew his wand. His movements were calm and deliberate. "I made something just for you," he said pointing at James. "Sectumsempra!" As he spoke, he jerked the wand in a shallow motion at James's right cheek. James drew in a sharp breath, a hand coming up to touch his face.
"What have you done," he demanded, but Severus ignored him, because he was already focused on Sirius.
"Don't worry. I didn't leave you out," he continued in that same calm nearly removed tone. He had to remain calm or he may do very bad things to these gits that he would regret, because of a crazy little thing called Azkaban. Jabbing his wand at Sirius's mouth he hissed, "Sectumsempra!"
He'd put a little more venom into that than he should've, for suddenly Sirius Black had a mouthful of blood. He let out a choked scream and Severus found himself chuckling with glee. "Now leave me alone, or it will be so much worse!" The sight of the streak of blood on Potter's face along with the blood spewing from Sirius's mouth made his heart race with excited pride! He'd done that. He'd made them bleed first.
"You're crazy," James bit out as he reached for Sirius's sleeve and dragged him away. The two looked shocked, the color having drained from both their faces. Good, Severus thought, satisfied.
Sirius paused to spit blood onto the ground. "This is not over," he growled and Severus smirked.
"If you insist."
James dragged Sirius away and Severus continued on his way to join his friends. Just like that, he was no longer gripped by the dull funk of depression.