Warning! Once again this chapter is about three quarters author's note. It is relevant to the story, but you can skip it if you want since most people seem to want to not read author's notes.

A/N I've been struggling with writing this chapter and the next for hours and am still not happy with them. It's an extremely difficult subject to write about, but a necessary ones because it's important for the development of this story, but also because as Sphygmus pointed out, Buffy took her relationship advice from the wrong sources, Willow, romance novels and tv. She has no idea what a healthy relationship looks like, but I don't think the audience does either since they think most of Buffy's relationships are great and Xander's are bad. The best relationship Buffy had was with Riley, not Giles, but Riley struggled with feelings of inadequacy and being undervalued by Buffy and he was, undervalued, I mean. She refused to rely on him emotionally or share her burdens with him.

Xander's relationships on the other hand, tried to be healthy. At least his romantic ones. He and Cordelia talked, she couldn't have known private things to throw in his face after the breakup If they hadn't. But it left him gunshy about confiding things to Anya, which built up his fears and he left the relationship to avoid the potential of it becoming abusive. He tried to have healthy relationships, Buffy had no idea what a healthy relationship even was, so couldn't even try to have healthy ones.

I think Joss tried to get both Buffy and the audience to see it in the episode Beauty and the Beast, this is the episode with the abusive Dr. Jeckle and Mr Hyde. Buffy has to see the Counselor, Mr. Platt and so does Debbie, the abused girlfriend. Mr. Platt actually tells Buffy some of the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, when Buffy tries to tell him about 'this guy she was with who changed.' Who had his own Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde moment. Pete threw shade on Oz, the friend who tried to help Debbie, Angel threw shade on Xander, the friend who tried to help Buffy. The parallels are there, if you care to look.

But Buffy doesn't care to look, she's contemptuous of Debbie, calls her 'broken' with a nasty look and hides Angel's return, which happens in this same episode and after it's known to the others that he's back, gets involved with him again, knowing it can only end badly. Abuse victims always want to believe if they can just find the magic formula, everything will be perfect with their abuser. It almost never is.

Buffy can't or won't recognize an abusive relationship and Xander is terrified of being in one, of being the abuser, actually and unfortunately he lets the women in his life, Willow especially, control and manipulate him, which means he has unhealthy relationships as well, just from the other side of the coin, as the victim.

And maybe this is one of the reasons why people look favorably on Buffy's relationships and condemn Xander's. Buffy's physically strong enough to protect herself and they want to believe, emotionally strong enough too and when she breaks down they sympathize with her.

Xander is male and it's hard to believe a male would put up with being abused or even could be abused by a woman, unless it's a mother abusing a child.

BMS pointed out in one of his reviews, an abused child can grow up to either be a monster or to catch monsters. Xander is an abused child who hunts vampires.

In real life many abuse victims either continue to be abused or are abusers themselves. Xander continues to be abused and desperately tries not to be an abuser.

Season 6 and 7 Buffy is definitely abusive, her relationship with Spike is mutual abuse, she takes the pain of her situation out on him and gets the opposite, a Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jeckle moment when Spike gets a soul. Which incidentally, is not what Spike wanted, James Marsters, who played Spike, insists Spike didn't go to get his soul back, he went to get the chip removed so he could be free of it's restraints and be the monster he used to be.

Season 7 Buffy made me cheer for Anya, the intervention and the throwing Buffy out of the house moment, which was spoiled by going right back to the 'Buffy is always right' philosophy.

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"Mom, back when you first found out about vampires, you accused me of shutting you out of my life. You were right, I was."

"Because that Mr. Giles had this secret relationship with you behind my back! He actually had the gall to try to defend it! And you're still shutting me out."

"Not anymore, I've messed up. Big time, I allowed something really bad to happen and I'm in big trouble, Mom. Worse than Hemery and burning down the gym and the fallout from that. I know part of the reason you put me in the hospital wasn't just because I was talking about vampires, it was to keep me out of jail for arson. Now I'm looking at jail for something much worse."

Joyce was terrified by this revelation, what could be worse than facing jail time for arson or being institutionalized for claiming vampires were real? "What did you do, Buffy?"

"You remember the older guy I got involved with? Angel? The one that told you we had sex and you said was unstable?"

"Yes, I never understood what you and that Spike guy were talking about, Angel's guys and having to save the world."

"Angel was and is a vampire, Mom. He was a vampire when I met him, he was a vampire when I fell in love him and he was a vampire when we had sex. And he was a monster who killed people for months after we had sex, a monster who literally tried to end the world. He was able to kill because I let him go, several times. People died because I fell in love with a vampire and couldn't destroy him any of the times I had a chance."