Severus found the reason for his still being in existence in the Great Hall. Classes were running so Hermione had the Gryffindor table entirely to herself. He walked up to her determinedly but she was so absorbed in her book that she only noticed his steps when he was already right behind her. That allowed him to take a look at her feelings. Not that he was particularly keen on it. Or able to make use of it. Feelings were something he'd overcome long ago. He'd made too many bad decisions because of them. That's why he had occluded her from his mind during the last few days. He couldn't concentrate with ... her in his mind. But now he opened up for a moment.

There was something he knew ... eagerness. Sure, she was immersed in a book. He rolled his eyes. And ... something restless. And ... something excruciating? It most certainly felt like a heavy weight on his chest, it wasn't pleasant. And underneath ... He frowned as he tried to grasp it. But then Hermione turned to him and when she saw him, everything was gone all of a sudden.

"Severus," she said coolly and closed the book, placing a small piece of parchment between the pages.

He raised his eyebrows. Occlumency. She tried to hide her feelings from him - although her efforts were mostly in vain. He decided not to remark on it. "Albus has dismissed me from teaching for the next two weeks. We shall use the time to continue with the project. He will also contact Moody to release you from combat training."

Hermione blinked. Then she nodded. "Okay."

"Fine. My office, tomorrow after breakfast." He was already turning around when Hermione took another breath. He looked at her, his eyebrows raised.

"I'm glad our collaboration doesn't fail because of … this." Now, something slipped into his mind, a feeling that made his heart beat faster, and even tried to pull a smile on his lips. Terrible condition.

With a grim expression, he said, "I'll find a way to break this … connection. It won't be a problem for much longer." With a final nod, he turned away and left the Great Hall.

He was in the Entrance Hall when Hermione let go and her Occlumency collapsed. She either forgot the connection was always there or she did it on purpose. Either way, Severus faltered at the sudden flood of so many emotions before closing his own mind and descending into the dungeons.

Severus returned to the library in the afternoon. The students gaped at him as if he'd grown a second head, which was probably due to the fact that he was officially incapable of teaching. Albus had organised a substitute teacher, a teenage mediwizard who hadn't even visited Hogwarts. Severus immediately disliked him.

But the students didn't. They apparently feared Severus would soon return to teaching since he was obviously well enough to surround himself with an excessively high pile of books. What he only did because Madam Pince had forbidden him to take them all down to his quarters. So he glared at anyone who stared at him for too long and soon he was surrounded by a zone of about six feet that no one dared to enter.

But the more he pored over the books the more Severus was convinced that Albus hadn't forbidden him to further research the potion only because he knew for a fact that there was no book in the entire library that mentioned this potion. Plus Severus knew there wasn't one in his own book collection either. Knew it because otherwise, he'd have long since recognised the potion. He even had Hermione describe it to him before and after she had added her blood. He didn't know of any potion that fit her description with this effect. The library did not know of any potion that fit her description with this effect!

He slammed the book shut. So loud that everyone present flinched and Madam Pince gave him a stern look. She didn't dare to reprimand him, but she couldn't stop scowling at him either.

Well. If he couldn't find this potion, he'd try a different approach.

Severus got up and went to another shelf. He soon found what he was looking for and went to Madam Pince with a single book. "Certainly I'm allowed to borrow one book?" he asked snidely.

She scrunched up her nose and wrote the title and author on his loan card, then slipped the book over the counter without a word.

"Thank you!" He wanted to leave the library, but she harrumphed loudly. Slowly he turned back at her.

"What about the mess you made?" she asked, pointing to the table he had occupied and the piles of books still resting on it.

Severus raised his eyebrows, slipped his wand into his hand, and floated the books back onto the shelves with a non-verbal spell. While Madam Pince flushed with anger - she hated it when someone touched her precious books with magic - Severus nodded with a fake smile and hobbled out of the library. His damn body still wasn't working as it should.

The next morning Hermione knocked on his door right after breakfast. Severus didn't bother opening himself, he just twitched his wand and the door swung open. Slowly he lifted his eyes from the letter he was writing to a few well-known Potions Masters asking them about this wretched potion and saw Hermione's eyes widen.

"What's going on here?"

He let his gaze wander to the scene he had set up on the floor in front of the desk, following the instructions of the book he'd borrowed yesterday. "I found a way to sever the connection."

Hermione blinked several times. "How?"

"I read a book," he said dryly.

She rolled her eyes. "How are you going to sever the connection?" she asked impatiently.

"With a ritual of separation." He said it as if this was obvious as well.

She crossed her arms.

"What?" he asked.

She looked at him. "What if you reverse the effect of the potion?"

Now Severus rolled his eyes. "That won't happen. The ritual will only sever that bloody connection." He ponderously got up from his desk and went over to the three candles standing on the floor in the middle of the room.

Hermione didn't move. She regarded him and the scene with pursed lips, her arms now crossed even more tightly over her chest. Severus frowned. "Hermione, I do not intend to discuss this with you. Sit down and do your part of the ritual."

She jutted out her chin. "What if I don't?"

He scowled at her. "You have already saved my life against my will, do you also want to force me to share your feelings?"

She swallowed thickly. And sighed. "I don't want to force you. I don't even want to share my feelings with you! But…" Again she pursed her lips. "I'm afraid it will kill you."

Severus rubbed his forehead. "It won't kill me!"

"And what if it does? What will you do if that happens?"

"It won't!" he repeated sharply. "And if it does ..." he added, as she took another breath. "I wouldn't have minded dying because of this curse, but I'm not a coward, Hermione! Suicide doesn't suit me." He scrunched up his nose. "If you would sit down now, please." He pointed to one side of the candles and when she - still reluctantly - complied, he kneeled down on the other. His legs ached as he dropped to his knees, his heartbeat quickened. He had to close his eyes for a moment. Even this potion didn't seem to be able to completely cancel the Necare conctanter. His body was still struggling.

Finally, he took a deep breath and blinked. The scene was composed of a long gray candle that stood for the potion and the resulting connection. Next to it were two clear pillar candles. They were made magically and consisted of water that had been given the properties of wax. Due to their colourlessness, they represented neutrality.

Hermione was visibly tense. Severus forced himself not to pay attention. "Take your wand." He drew his own and circled his shoulders.

"Are you really sure you want to do this, Severus?"

"Yes!" he growled. He wanted to get rid of her. He wanted his mind to be his own again. He wanted to be able to exist without Occlumency again! At least temporarily ...

She nodded bitterly. "What am I to do?"

Severus took a deep breath and focused on the ritual. "We will make contact with the gray candle through the wands. You just have to allow and keep this contact. I'll do everything else."

Hermione avoided his gaze while Severus leaned over and lit the two colourless candles. The gray one would light on its own by the time their magic hit it. Everything else was a matter of mind. It actually should be done with Hermione's support but her consent would have to be enough. She'd hardly engage actively.

After sinking back onto his feet, he pointed the tip of his wand at the gray candle and watched as Hermione reluctantly did the same. Her hand trembled and their gazes crossed briefly. Even without dropping his Occlumency, he could see the fear in her eyes.

Severus blinked and let a stream of magic flow from his wand which hit the candle like a ribbon of light. Hermione followed suit after a slight hesitation and as soon as hers reached the candle it ignited.

The atmosphere in the office changed. The air got warmer and began to crackle. Severus's palms began to sweat and his wand vibrated, he had to grip it firmly to keep it from slipping. He fixed his gaze at a point on the floor just in front of the candle. Everything around him blurred as he concentrated. He clenched his teeth, his jaw tightened.

"I love you, Severus," he suddenly heard Hermione's voice and frowned. Raising his eyes, he looked at her in horror. She returned it, obviously confused. She hadn't spoken. But who had it been then?

"Nonsense!" That was his own voice.

"It's not!" Hermione.

Severus's eyes widened when it dawned on him. The conversation. The conversation they'd had before the Dark Lord had called him. The last conversation before he had faced death. Severus closed his eyes and allowed himself to review the images for a few seconds. It was like he was there again.

"This is not something that just occurred to me between fish liver and flubberworms, Severus! I'm serious." They faced each other in his office and Hermione was shuddering. She clenched her fists and looked at him determinedly.

He scoffed. "I am very serious as well! Leave! Now!"

"You throw me out? Like I'm your student again?" She huffed. "I thought we were beyond that. I thought we ... we were friends ... " Very quietly, but her voice was trembling with ... something. He didn't know what she was feeling. All he knew was that it couldn't be what she thought it was.

"We work together. No more, no less."

"But it doesn't have to remain like that!"

At that moment the call hit him and because he was overwhelmed by this conversation and Hermione's confession and her gaze and the sound of her voice and his helplessness and the pain in his arm he said the words that were most ironic now: "There's nothing, absolutely nothing that connects us, Hermione!" He clutched his left arm and she took a step towards him. "Get out!" he hissed, pointing at the door.

At this point, Severus blinked and met Hermione's gaze. It had become blank. She just seemed to be watching what was happening to him. Had she just relived this memory, too? Or had it been his personal pleasure? Why had he seen it again? What did the connection have to do with that?

Severus hated that he didn't know what kind of potion it had been! That he didn't know what was happening to him and that Albus refused to let him know. He had the right to know!

He took a deep breath. However. Now he would sever the connection and Albus and his secretiveness could jump in the lake!

All these thoughts crossed his mind while he held Hermione's gaze. The flickering candlelight reflected in her eyes. Then he felt a change. It took him a few seconds to understand and when he did, he raised his eyebrows. Hermione had started to support him. She had started to push the ritual forwards. A shimmering line formed between them on the ground and a second one parallel to it in the air above them. No, not a line. Walls. Shimmering thin walls of magic, like translucent flickering paper. Slowly they slid towards each other from above and below - the visualization of what the ritual was supposed to do: Separation.

Severus's heartbeat quickened. He broke out in a sweat, the room around him began to sway. The closer the walls got to each other, the worse he felt. Hot and sick. As if he was about to pass out. His heart pounded erratically.

Hermione was right!

That realisation hit him harder than he was willing to admit. The ritual would kill him. Here. Now. His eyes widened and he almost lost his wand. That should not happen! He'd chosen a harmless ritual! A foolproof one! It shouldn't have the power to kill him!

And yet it did.

Hermione noticed the change. That he hesitated and was worse off. Her eyes widened and for a moment it seemed as if she wanted to jerk her wand away and stop the ritual. But then she stilled. She'd once saved his life against his will. Now he had to make that decision.

The only thing she did was slow down the ritual. She bought him time. The gap in the air was still getting smaller, but the magical walls closed more slowly.

"I love you, Severus," her words came back to his mind. And they echoed. "... love you ... love you ... love you." Until he couldn't take it anymore and his heart stopped beating.

For seconds it was absolutely quiet in his chest and the feeling was so horrific, such an ice-cold panic that he gasped for air and jerked his wand away.

The ritual stopped immediately. The crackling in the air disappeared, the candles went out - all but the gray one. The effects of the potion persisted and his heart started beating frantically. Severus clutched his chest, his wand clattered to the floor and rolled under the desk.

He averted his gaze and supported himself on the floor right in front of him. His panting breath was loud in the office and sweat ran down his temples.

Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Hermione putting her wand away. She crawled over to him and her hand was warm when she touched his shoulder, goosebumps rippled over his skin. Severus shied away from her and she pulled her hand back as if she'd burned herself. He looked at her through the curtain of his black, greasy hair and swallowed, the panic still tingling through his body.

"I'm glad," she began softly, but her voice was scratchy and thick. She cleared her throat. "I'm glad you choose life on your own this time."

Severus wrinkled his nose and struggled to straighten up. "I said I'm not the suicidal type," he growled in a dark voice. He felt dizzy and closed his eyes.

"You did." She frowned and was watching him when he opened his eyes again. "I was worried about you."

He snorted. "Leave it …"

She pursed her lips.

Severus rubbed his forehead. He had a headache. "Go, Hermione. We'll continue tomorrow."

She lowered her gaze, nodding. Then she got up and left his office. The door clicked as she pulled it shut behind her.