May 2033: Beginning of an End Part X.
David headed out with Trent, leaving Thad alone with his youngest sister; there was a moment of awkward silence, and then she spoke. "I wish that we had had so much longer together, baby brother… You know, they really should give doctors more training on the whole field of grief and loss you know; the truth is that if dad had his way, we would receive nothing at all. I suppose that it is only once you have been through the loss of a family member yourself that you can really understand the whole thing and truly empathise with someone. Right now, I just feel so angry that we missed out on so much time together as siblings; mom and dad have so much reason to be ashamed of themselves right now…"
Thad nodded, then could only watch as his youngest sister fell apart, sobbing her heart out. He opened his arms and after a moment, Marcia fell into them, wrapping her own around him. As he held her, Thad could smell the shampoo that she used, the same one that she had used for as long as he could recall; that realisation started his own tears falling. He wished that they had more time as much as she did, but their parents and then fate's cruel hand had denied them that chance. Still, he was grateful that they had not still be estranged as he came to the end of his life; the truth was that he had never stopped caring for any of them and this way they would not be as wracked with guilt when he passed as they might otherwise have been…
The last of Thad's siblings that would arrive that afternoon was Ollie, the brother that had come back to him soonest, because the love that he had for his youngest sibling had overwhelmed all other needs and considerations at the time. Like his other three siblings, he had intended to enter his little brother's room wearing a mask of professionalism, but the moment that he saw Thad lying there, small and frail as his life came towards its end, that mask fell off. He went to sit on the chair at the side of the bed, but Thad patted the empty side of his queen-sized bed and said, "Come and sit beside me; even Benji was doing it before he left, hugging me close. Before he left, he told me that he is determined to make our parents pay for all that they have done to hurt us as siblings, which has a quite Shakespearean ring to it, all things considered…"
Ollie smiled at his brother's words, but that smile was fleeting and soon left his lips. "Whilst that sentiment is good, it doesn't really amount to all that much now, when you consider how our big brother acted over the last few years…"
"Hush now, I want none of that! I want you to promise me that for my sake you will not bear any kind of ill will towards any of our three siblings. Yes, they made a mistake, but don't forget that you went along with mom and dad's wishes to start with as well. Do not let that bitterness, that anger that they did not have your strength consume you, as you will lose sight of what is really important here. They are your family, as much family to you as Michelle and little Thad are, and you need them as much as they need you. Little Thad needs to get to know his two aunts and uncle, as well as all his cousins; don't act like the parents that you despise and deprive him of that chance…"
Ollie was silent as he considered Thad's words; he knew he was right, but that did not make forgetting the past easy. "All I can say is that I will try, for your sake. Michelle believes in forgiving and forgetting, in that love that transcends everything else, but I admit that I struggle with that… Maybe one I know that they are deadly serious, that they have actually done what they say they intend to do, then I will be able to put it all behind me and start again with them. I must admit that it was good to see them all again, and once the dust has settled, it would be nice to see my nephews and nieces…"
Thad smiled, then said, "Benji is considering sending his eldest son to Dalton now; Dad was demanding that he should be sent to your old school in Columbus, but there might well be a change now. Benji knows that the headteacher there will try and steer his poor son into a career in medicine, like his father and grandfather, going on about the need to follow in footsteps and respecting family traditions. If he sends him here, that won't happen, so I am all for it."
Ollie smiled at that, knowing that Benji even considering that was a sign that he was changing and coming out from under their father's rod of iron. "That is definitely good news… I might have some of my own in that respect. I haven't spoken to Michelle yet, but maybe we could think about sending little Thad here too. I was against it for stupid reasons, but now I think it would be good for him to follow in his father's footsteps…"
Thad said nothing for a moment in response to those words, but his heart swelled at the idea of his 'nephew' walking the hallways of his school. He reached out and pulled Ollie into a hug, then whispered, "He can never know the truth now; you and I agreed to that, and nothing can change just because I am not around any more."
"Well, there might have been a development on that front," began Ollie sheepishly, and he paused as he saw Thad's face fall. "It's okay, little Thad still doesn't know, but someone else did work it out. It transpires that when I rejected the rest of the family and chose you, dad took Benji aside one afternoon, possibly after he had drunk a few bourbons, and ranted about how you and I were such failures. He then threw my medical notes into the mix when he saw Benji wondering how I could be a failure when my career was going so well. Benji knows that I am infertile, and well…"
Thad was quiet for a moment, then said, "Well that explains something; when I told him you had a son, he looked surprised. I guess that also might be the reason behind something he said to me this afternoon, when he said I was the best of brothers, because I was prepared to do anything and sacrifice so much to keep his other siblings happy…"
Ollie nodded, realising that was exactly what Benji had been alluding to. "He has promised me that it will stay between us, and the proof of that is the fact that he did not tell you that he knew when he was here earlier…"
"It does, and it proves one other thing to; that he is not entirely our father's son as we used to think. If he was really like dad, then he would have tried to use his knowledge to his own personal advantage or would have held it over us forever like a Sword of Damocles. Let him back in Ollie, and the girls, and the four of you can be a family again…"
"But we will never be a complete family again, because you will be missing."
Thad nodded, then went on, "I will still be around you know, just not visible. I will be watching over you all just as I know Wes watches over me and all of the others constantly. If you believe in that, then I will never truly leave you…"
"I will try," replied Ollie with a sigh, "but it isn't easy to overcome all of the negative things that have been drummed into me over the years about faith and religion. I am getting there, but it might be some time yet…"
"I can wait; I will have eternity to do so," responded Thad, although a part of him seriously hoped that the shock of his death might be just the trigger that his brother required to finally take the leap and accept that there were forces out there that could not be explained by the men of science…
He and Ollie would end up sitting beside each other on the bed for almost two hours, neither of them speaking, arms wrapped around the other's shoulders. Neither of them noticed when Trent stuck his head around the door and smiled sadly; Ollie did notice a draught however when Blaine appeared to observe them for a moment, although Thad did not. The elder of the two Harwood brothers muttered about the draughts in the room, and how noticing them so much more had to be a sign of old age, finding them as he did now everywhere he went. Thad did not hear him though, as he was exhausted by his long day of saying farewells to the close friends that he had made in the main in the very place where his life was now drawing to its close…
If Ollie noticed that his brother was not in the room in a mental sense then he did not say anything, just began to ponder the problem of the draughts. A part of his brain alighted on the possibility that the draughts could actually be coming from the wings of angels, but he shook his head at such fanciful nonsense. It couldn't be the case, even if his little brother and his wife were both telling him that there were angels everywhere in the world constantly, keeping an eye on them all…
Then he let the less rational side of his brain take control. If it was true, then there was something comforting about the idea that Thad would still be close to him; that idea was not unappealing at all. He moved a little closer to his brother then, wishing that this moment would never end, but deep down he knew that it had to. He could only hope at that moment that it would not close by his brother passing away at his side…
It would be the arrival of the school doctor that would end the moment between Ollie and Thad; Trent announced his arrival with a knock on the door, then called through it that the doctor was there, which allowed Ollie time to climb off the bed, slip his shoes back on and sit down in the bedside chair instead. The doctor came in and after a brief exchange between the two medical men, the eldest of the two Harwood siblings took his leave to allow Thad to be examined in private; he made sure to treat it as a final farewell, as Trent had always stated, as he did not know when the moment would arrive when Thad breathed his last. He did not leave the apartment though and joined Trent and David in the sitting room; like them, he was awaiting the verdict of the doctor in charge. When it came, it was just as they expected; Thad did not have much longer, but the good thing was that he wasn't in any great pain…
"I know that people talk about a 'good death' and many in the medical profession dismiss that notion, but I would suggest that is exactly what Thad is having. He is tired, but his mind is still firing on all cylinders. He is not in any great pain or suffering, nor is he fearful of what lies ahead. He also tells me that he has seen all of his closest friends today and his family too, and that latter is something that pleases me immensely." The school doctor turned to Ollie and said, "Your father might believe that he is all powerful, but what he does not realise is that most of the other doctors in this area have no respect for him, nor do we approve of how he treats his children and all the other staff at that hospital that he and your mother control. Thad might have hinted that we can expect to see a coup in the near future. If that is something that can come out of his tragic death, then we can all be very grateful and relieved for it. I will not say a word to anyone about what he said, but when the time comes, tell your siblings that I and the rest of the practising medical community around here will back them to the hilt."
Ollie nodded, then shook the doctor's hand; he then took his leave, all of them aware that the next time the school doctor saw Thad, it would be to certify that he had succumbed to his cancer… Not long after that, Ollie also took his leave, knowing that he could do no more and that he had said all he needed to say to his brother. He just wanted to get back to Michelle and sink into her arms; maybe make a call to his son to see how he was managing in Manhattan without them. Ideally, he would also like the chance to speak to Mike, because he need the chance to talk through some things with another man in private. He was close enough to Mike that he would be able to say things he would struggle to express with anyone else, but there was also enough distance between Mike and the situation he was in for the dancer to be objective…
Once Ollie was gone, David turned to Trent and said, "Okay, now it is your turn to go and say your goodbyes."
He was a little surprised when Trent merely shook his head and replied, "I don't need to; I have been saying my farewell for weeks and Thad knows that. He knew that there was no point in him saying I should not stay here and look after him back in April; he knew deep down that someone would have to be here, and he did not want you to be the one facing that task. In any case, I went in with Rory just before you came back anyway and was there while he said his goodbyes; I ended up scarlet as Thad proceeded to pay me every compliment that is in the book. My husband didn't help much by adding his own thoughts to those of Thad. I will go and see if he wants anything, then you can head in. I know that you have been putting the moment off and I understand why, but you really can't put it off any longer. He will be leaving us soon…"
Trent did not wait for David to reply, but headed out of the room, leaving the latter to his thoughts. Part of him at that moment wanted Trent to come back into the room, tears on his face and tell him that he had left it too late, but even thinking that made his heart ache as if it was being wrenched from his chest. He had wondered all day as well if he would have an angel come and visit and sternly tell him to get into Thad's room, but for once none of them had made an appearance; it was almost as if radio silence was prevailing right now. He also knew that once he was in with Thad, he did not want to feel the draught of their wings, as he would know exactly what that could mean in there…
His head was still awhirl with thoughts when Trent reappeared, a sad smile on his face. "He is awake, and he has managed a little nap, so he is feeling more refreshed. He knows that the sand is nearly all gone now from the top of his hourglass, and he is content with that. He also said that he would fully understand if you didn't feel able to go in and say your goodbyes to him…"
That galvanised David into action. "He is such a good friend to even say that, but I would never be able to forgive myself if I didn't go in and say my last goodbye to him on this mortal plane. I will just go and use the restroom and then I will head in…"
Trent nodded and watched David go. He recalled how long Ollie had been in the bedroom with his brother and he suspected that his old friend would still be in the room with Thad when he himself headed to his bed to try and sleep; he needed to be refreshed for tomorrow, as he suspected that it might well be the Head Warbler's last day on earth…
When David stepped into Thad's room, he was immediately aware that something in the atmosphere in the room had changed since the previous day. The others would not have been aware of it, as it was an almost imperceptible alteration, but he could sense it as soon as he crossed the threshold. At first, he feared that he was too late, that the visit to the restroom had denied him his opportunity. That made him angry for some reason; if Wes had come to collect his husband whilst he was otherwise engaged, that was extremely unfair in his opinion…
He paused, then heard the sound of Thad's breathing, albeit shallowly and slowly, and he relaxed a little. He headed for the chair, even if Thad was currently turned away from it and he began to think that his best friend might have fallen asleep again. He sat down and began to reflect on all that Thad had come to mean to him over the years that he had known him. He had been his friend and fellow councilman here at Dalton, growing closer in their senior year once Wes was gone; then he had been his roomie at UCLA, back when that city on the Pacific Coast had seemed so stable and solid… He guessed that was why Thad had been the only person he thought to call when it transpired that the City of Angels was anything but…
He smiled then as he recalled their road trip along Route 66 as he had driven with Thad when he was heading to this very apartment to start his professional career, and almost laughed as he remembered how Thad had convinced him to join him for a bungee jump into the Grand Canyon; it had been exhilarating, thrilling and absolute hell, all at the same time, but he had been glad to do it with his best friend…
Then it struck him.
All of those daredevil things that Thad had suddenly started to do after Wes had died, all those things that were so out of character with the boy he had first met in his freshman year at Dalton… Had Thad secretly been hoping for a fatal accident all of this time, one which would allow him to make his way to Wes easily and free of guilt?
Then, to his absolute horror, he realised that he had actually said that out loud…
"It took one of you long enough to realise that," said Thad in a raspy whisper. "I admit it freely - the prospect of having a fatal accident was the attraction of all of those things for me at first; a snapped bungee rope, a missed step, a parachute that failed to open… However, I actually came to the conclusion that I was liking all of the things I was doing and also, in a world of safety precautions, such an accident was highly unlikely. I ended up just doing them for the thrill. With bungee jumping, when I was on that rope, I was almost weightless; when I was freefalling from a plane before I opened the parachute, I was almost flying. Of course, that latter is something that I might get to try for real soon…"
Thad stopped then, his voice choking off. All the time he had been speaking he had been lying with his back towards David, who was suddenly struck by one thing in the last sentence his best friend had said, and that was the word 'might'. He had already seen Thad with wings on that wonderful day when he had married Wes; all angels had them, allowing them to soar through the skies with the birds… "You will be flying alongside Wes soon enough," he said softly, and was then left horrified when Thad let out a huge aching sob. "Thaddie, what is it?"
There was silence, and then the other man spoke. "I'm scared Davie… It is all much too real now and I am scared that when the time comes, they are going to tell me that I am not going to be with Wes, because by deciding to refuse treatment they are regarding my death as a suicide. That the fact I knew that I was ill and didn't seek help was proof that I was planning my death all along. What if that is the reason why Wes hasn't been here? What if they have told him that I will not be coming and now he hates me, because I will not be joining him in the heavenly realms after all, and thus I have not only destroyed my eternity but his too?"
David was stunned, but quickly he reacted. "Oh my God, Thaddie, that is all such nonsense! Why would they ban you from being an angel for not having treatment when the treatment in question would have been to no avail? Do you really think that if they even tried that, Wes would have sat back and accepted it, and wouldn't have fought with everything in his power to change their minds?"
"Maybe that is why he hasn't been here for so long, because he is fighting them and has been too busy…"
David shook his head, then in a firm voice he said, "Thaddie, you are going to Wes; if that wasn't going to happen then we would all know about it by now, as he would have intervened somehow."
"You can't know that for certain!" Thad sobbed and to his distress David saw that his body was shaking with tremors; his own eyes began to fill with tears as he realised how small and frail Thad now looked and how heartbroken he was. He knew he had to act fast and do something to calm his best friend before Trent appeared in the room due to the noise; this was an intensely private moment and he knew that Thad would not want the world to know he was having a breakdown of sorts, not even the person that seemed to have become the keeper of all the Warblers' secrets…
He knew at once what he had to do; that age old things that generations of Warblers had done with others when they had become upset. He slipped off his shoes, then after a moment's deliberation in his head, his trousers too; then he lifted up the bed cover and climbed in beside him. "Okay, scoot over a bit," he said to his best friend as he wrapped his arms around him from behind, holding his smaller body to his own. He was horrified to realise that he could feel each of Thad's ribs below the T-shirt he was wearing, a stark reminder of how much weight he had lost. He almost expected there to be a protest of some sort, or feigned shock, but neither was forthcoming, and the sobs still didn't abate…
David took a breath and whispered. "You will be with Wes, I promise you. At long last you will be able to say you are Thad Montgomery, and the two of you will be so happy together that the skies will be decorated with rainbows every single day. This is just that fear that we all have of death expressing itself, but you know deep down that this is not the end of everything, but the start of an eternity… He will have been so busy getting everything ready for your arrival that he will not have had a moment of time to spare. That and the fact that his heart will have been so full of conflicting emotions will have kept him away for so long. None of the rest of us have seen him since the day you told us you were dying; I saw him after that, but not since and he used to visit me fairly often…"
Thad was not sobbing as much as David finished speaking, but the fact was that his own heart was now breaking too. This was grim reality of death, of a life drawing to its conclusion, at least here on the mortal plane. He pulled Thad even closer to him then, then began to sing the song that Wes himself had sung to the homesick and upset in his time as the Head Warbler… "Hush, little Warbler, don't you cry," he began, but then he felt his own voice choke up with emotion and he couldn't sing another word. All he could do was hold his best friend to him and cry his own tears, both for the sorrow and pain that his best friend was experiencing and for himself, because he felt absolutely helpless in the face of death. He wanted to rage against the dying of Thad's light, but he knew that such things would make no odds at all when all was said and done. He just had to hope that Thad would reach the promised land of the heavenly realms and end up safe in the outstretched arms of the angel that loved him more than anyone or anything else…
Trent meanwhile had known that Thad would be in safe hands with David, so he had resolved to leave them to it. He had called up Rory, who was staying at Burt and Carole's home in Lima, and spoken to him, which had just served to remind him how much he had been missing his husband. For a few seconds he had been on the verge of asking him to drive over and spend the night with him in Thad's spare bedroom, but that had seemed an inappropriate thing earlier and it still did now…
When he finished his call, he realised that it was time to conduct the nightly curfew check, a housemaster's duty that he had taken over without question when Thad had become too ill. He checked in with each of the boys and he ended up saying, "He is still here," in every room he visited, because without exception every one of them had asked after Thad. With all the boys accounted for, he locked the external door for the night before conducting checks of the common room and kitchen, to see all was switched off and hazard free.
He then made his way back to Thad's apartment, and headed back to the sitting room where he would once again work on the eulogy that he was preparing for the Head Warbler. He had decided to write one without anyone prompting him, and he would give it to whoever was chosen to deliver it on the day of his funeral. He did so for another hour, then decided to head for bed. On a whim, he decided to check in with David and quietly opened the door to Thad's room. He did not speak, just surveyed the scene before him in silence. The fact that Thad was lying wrapped in David' arms, both asleep with tear-stained faces did not surprise him at all. If he was honest, it actually warmed his heart just a little to see it…
When he woke up the following morning as the first shafts of sunlight began to shine through the curtains, David felt a little disorientated, wondering where he was and why he had been sleeping in his normal clothes – and only then did he realise that he was still holding Thad in his arms. The whole of the previous night came flooding back then; how he had discovered Thad breaking down and had done his best to comfort him, but had ended up breaking down himself as he had tried to sing the words of Wes' little song…
Then he suddenly came over all cold, as his brain placed a thought in his mind, and it struck him that it could be his best friend's body he was holding in his arms… He tried to listen to see if he could hear him breathing, but all he could hear was the echo of each breath he was taking. With a deeper breath he carefully placed his fingers on his friend's wrist and was relieved to find a pulse there; it wasn't the strongest, but at least it was there, confirming life.
He had wondered if Thad would wake as he took that pulse, but he had not. Not wanting to wake him, David carefully slid his arm out from underneath his best friend, who now weighed so very little, before gently sliding out of the bed, picking up his trousers and shoes, then carrying them with him as he slipped out of the room. He crossed the hall to the sitting room, where he saw the pillows and blanket that he had been using to make the couch into a bed still stacked neatly at one end. He pondered making it look as if he had slept there, as the clock indicated it was just after 6am, but decided against it… He slipped his trousers back on and was just about to sit down to put on his shoes when he nearly jumped out of his skin when Trent's voice came from the doorway…
"There's coffee in the pot if you want some." David sheepishly made his way into the kitchen, carrying his shoes, to find Trent sat at the table, his laptop open in front of him. "I won't tell anyone, don't worry, but I think that might have been exactly what you needed to say a proper goodbye…"
David nodded, then said, "Yes, but it broke my heart. He was breaking it too last night, coming out with all sorts of wild, silly statements. He had managed to convince himself that he wasn't going to heaven, that Wes wasn't coming for him – but we would all know about that if it were true…" Trent nodded, then stifled a yawn. David looked at him sharply, then said, "Have you actually been to bed, or have you been up all night like a parent with a poorly child?"
"Guilty as charged, hence the strong black coffee. I was heading to bed, and checked in on the two of you and saw how you were; I decided to come and write a little more of Thad's eulogy as I wasn't happy with it – I've been changing it ever since. Normally when I write a speech it flows from me with ease, but this one isn't simple at all. There is so much to say, and it is more or less impossible to describe all that he is to all of us in anything shorter than something the length of War & Peace. However, I think that I might have it more or less perfect now…"
David agreed to read Trent's words as he drank his coffee, and at times the words began to blur as his eyes teared up at just how beautiful it was. It was clear that it had been a labour of love for Trent, each word skilfully crafted to try and express just how important Thad was to all of the people that knew him. "I don't know who will deliver this," he said softly as he finished it, "but I hope that they can do it justice, because this is perfection…"
"I don't know who will be reading it either, but part of me is dreading finding out Thad has named me in his instructions for his funeral," Trent replied, then noticed that David's eyes had widened in surprise. "If you thought that Wes was explicit in his planning, then trust me, Thad is even more organised. He had longer to prepare than his husband, I guess; I sometimes think that he might have been preparing for this moment for years. Looking back, I see now that there were little warning signs, like his sudden intolerance to spicy foods and his move away from meat and dairy products…"
David felt like laughing at that moment, as once again, Trent had got it right, but he did not; what Thad had admitted had been in confidence in his view. Instead, he said, "It is going to be strange being here at Dalton after he goes; he has been such a part of every visit here for so long that I shall keep expecting to see him appear around every corner. I know that Sebastian will still be around, but well…"
"I know what you mean; it won't be the same. Thad was here all the time; he knew everyone and everything that was going on. He saw all the boys and saw the current generation of Warblers away from the Senior Commons. It will still be the same Dalton, and we will still be alumni, but lacking a strong link between us and the school as it is now. Let's be honest, if Dave gets a job offer back near New York, Sebastian will leave, because much as he loves teaching, he would love to get back onto the Great White Way. An era is coming to its close and that is never easy to accept," responded Trent in a sad voice. "Now, I had best go and check in on Thad; I think you should go and have a shower and change your clothes. The others will be back here soon enough, and they will wonder why you are still in yesterday's outfit…"
Thad was just waking up when Trent entered the room, and both decided on business as usual. Trent bustled about, opening the curtains to let the daylight in, then helped Thad up into a sitting position, propping him up on his pillows. "David is in the shower," Trent said, mentioning nothing about where the man in question had slept.
Thad smiled, and replied, "He was so kind to me last night; I had a meltdown, and he was brilliant. I take it that we will have a lot of visitors again today?"
"There is no question about that. Do you want to see them or should I...?"
"Let them all come in together this time; that way I can get a rest afterwards. I know I have just woken up, but I still feel so very tired…" Trent nodded, but did not reply; instead, he picked up Thad's water bottle, in which there was a straw. He held it up to his friend's lips and watched as he took a couple of sips. "Right, so I want you to go and take a shower too, and then sort yourself and Davie out some breakfast. Once that's done, you can come back and maybe give me a quick bed bath, so I am nice and clean when they all arrive…"
Trent could tell by the tone of Thad's voice that he was being given instructions, not suggestions, and that he was also being dismissed. He did not argue with him, as he was hungry, and he did need a shower after being up all night…
It would be approaching 8.15am when Trent returned to Thad's bedroom. He had taken a shower, changed into fresh clothes and then he and David had eaten a breakfast of toast and scrambled egg. He brought into the room a bowl of warm soapy water, another of clean water a cloth and a towel, as well as Thad's shaving kit. "I have sent David down to the common room to hold all the arrivals down there until I have you all spick and span and ready to give them an audience…" Trent quipped as he made his way over to Thad's bed. The latter laughed at that, before he submitted himself to the gentle administrations of his friend. In less than thirty minutes, Trent was standing back, admiring his handiwork. The Head Warbler was clean and fresh, clean-shaven and his hair was combed into his normal style and he felt a degree of satisfaction in that…
Then he felt the draught…