Ichijiku (Tigress)

"It just feels like she's always watching over my shoulder, waiting for me to mess up."

"I felt that way when I left home. I thought I saw all of my so-called friends around me, too, telling me what a screw up I am." Hanoku says.

"I don't see Grandma everywhere, I'm just in a constant state of fight-or-flight. It makes me second-guess myself. I get hypervigilant and anxious." I elucidate, trying to keep the focus on the point I'm trying to make.

Irritation coils in my limbs as I try not to be mean. I get that you're trying to relate, but you always try to remind me your life was worse than mine. Why can't I say anything without feeling overshadowed when I just needed a safe place to feel…? I take a few deep breaths, trying to remind myself that my friend isn't at fault. My weary psyche needs a safe place to land, but the only place it's ever had is my own arms.

"Well, what have you tried so far to help with the anxiety?" She asks. It's a simple enough question, but in my tired anxiety, all I hear is, Clearly, you're not doing enough.

"Soft music in my earbuds so I don't have to hear the sounds all around me. It helps me sleep." I explain, fidgeting with the fabric of my shirt, unable to look at her.

"So, that method helps, but you still aren't sleeping well? What if you played around with the lighting instead? Then, you'd be fine!" Hanoku suggests. You're not doing enough to prevent it. You haven't considered all of your options. God, it's so annoying listening to you be so stupid.

"Well, I'm doing better than last week. Without the earbuds I barely slept at all."

"Well, that's good. Oh!" She dismisses the tired look on my face as I look up at her and surges forward. "Maybe you could try aromatherapy!" She looks at me with a proud smile. "You can train your body to know you are safe and it's time to sleep!" It's obvious that this had a simple solution all along, dumbass.

In my insecurities, I force a smile even as I internally crumble. I don't have much energy left in my reserves after the past few weeks. Between anxiety and fighting villains, all I want is a place to share my woes without being out-traumatized.

With a solution shoved into my lap, I can only assume I've overstayed my welcome on the subject of anxiety. I just want someone to listen to me. But…they have their own problems to deal with. Adding mine must be an extra burden. Guilt makes me straighten up and look ahead, avoiding eye contact as I give her a nod.

"Yeah, I use my pillow mist. It helps since it smells like Toshinori." I admit, kicking a rock out of the way as we walk.

"Ah, okay. What if I sent you scary stories before bed?" She giggles. "Maybe then your anxiety would have a reason to stay and then go away on its own?"

My brows furrow as I immediately reject that idea. But I shove it away with a laugh and a shrug; I don't want to bother her anymore than I already have. I turn to her with a smile and nudge her with a wink.

"If your goal is to keep me awake to talk to you about them, then sure. But those are likely to fuel my anxiety more."

"Ugh! Fine." She groans, further solidifying that I'm just an irritation. She looks across the street at a couple playing with their kid. "On a more serious note, is there anything I can do to help you?"

"No."

. . . . .

"You bastard! How dare you cheat on me with that whore!" The sound of breaking glass on the TV echoes through the living room as I step through the door, feeling defeated and exhausted despite only walking once around the park with Hanoku. "Can you feel what you're doing to me? Can you feel the way you break my heart, you cheap piece of ass?!"

"Ichan?" Toshinori calls, his eyes glued to the television set. "Did you enjoy your walk?"

"Yeah, it…was fine." I give him a believable smile. He's busy watching his show. I've already bothered one person today, anyway. I shuffle my shoes onto the carpet and hang my jacket on the coat rack. "I'm gonna lay down a bit."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Everything's fine, don't worry."

Everything is not fine. I pad down to our room and curl up under the blankets, inhaling and exhaling the scent of my husband to ground myself. Though I shouldn't check my phone when I know I'm going to be disappointed even further, I can't stop myself from scrolling through all of my conversations hopefully.

A few writing friends promised to read my story yesterday since I've finally gotten a solid outline written out, but I'm not surprised to see nothing has been touched. Don't go down that hole. There's no reason to be upset. I scroll through Hana's posts in the same collection just to be sure it's not me. Both Sayuri and Hanoku left comments within the last two hours. A painful feeling bubbles in my gut, so I should close my phone.

But I don't.

I enter the rabbit hole of counting just how many conversations I can stop just by existing. Six conversations in my messages alone had steady responses until I said something. They just got busy. It's not just you. I keep telling myself.

Still, it wouldn't hurt so much if it wasn't so consistent.

When tears make seeing my screen difficult, I finally turn off my phone. The blanket wraps around me until the only opening is around my nose for breathing. ̶U̶n̶g̶r̶a̶t̶e̶f̶u̶l̶ ̶b̶r̶a̶t̶.̶ I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I want my friends to like me. They only talk to me when I'm alone with them, but in the middle of our friend group, I'm not as important as other people. I get talked over and dismissed. My problems aren't as big, so they don't matter. And I know they have lives, but…I don't want to be the center of their world, I just want to be a part of their constellation.

Tiger roars in the back of my mind, fighting to try and be heard, but I don't want to hear her for the time being. I just want to feel my emotions and be swallowed by them for a little while, seeing as I so frequently shove them deep, deep into the abyss.

"Ichan," Toshinori's soft tones caress my ear as his weight shifts the bed. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just tired." I lie, too scared to bother him. He's the Symbol of Peace. He's already got enough on his shoulders. I can't add anymore weight.

"Are you saying that because you think you're going to bother me, or are you really just tired?" He hums, and when I hesitate for a second too long, he squeezes me tight. "Talk to me, Ichan. I can carry it for both of us."

"But you shouldn't have to." I whimper. "You already carry so much. It's not fair if I let you carry me, too."

"It is my privilege to carry you." He chuckles, before abruptly sweeping me up - covers and all - and spinning me around. "You're light as a feather!"

I squeal and hide my face in his chest.

"Now, tell me what happened."

"I'm tired." I sniff, decorating his shirt with salty stains as I choke on a sob. "I'm tired of being ignored. I'm tired of everyone treating my problems like they're not as bad as theirs. I just wanna sleep and never wake up."

"Hey," He coos, sitting back on the bed and pulling me closer. It feels like he's trying to wring out all the sorrow from my bones. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't at least partially work. "You're allowed to be tired of that. Even if you take a nap and realize you were just tired, you're allowed to feel that way."

"But I feel bad!" I cry, fingers grasping at him as I grow more certain he'll leave, disgusted with every uttered word. "I'm not supposed to want things from them! They're doing their best and I know they are–"

"Except you need them."

"Except…I…" It hurts to admit. I can't say it. I can't need them. They need me to carry them. "But they're all trying their best and I have no right to ask them for anything. It just feels like if I stopped talking to them altogether, nobody would notice I was gone. Nobody would notice that anything was wrong because I'm Ichijiku. And Ichijiku is always okay. Even when Ichijiku is suffering, she's strong and she'll get through it because it's Ichijiku! Ichijiku can figure shit out on her own because they have to take care of themselves first and Ichijiku will be fine because she knows what they're going through and they're having a hard time. They can spend time with all of their other friends because Ichijiku will always be around. Ichijiku will never leave. Ichijiku would never get mad that they're too busy for her. They can throw another brick on top of the pile because like Luisa, Ichijiku might buckle and bend but she'll never break. She can handle it. She can fix her own problems." My muscles clench and clench and clench until they're sore.

"But Ichan," Toshinori rubs my shoulders as he forces them to relax with his superior strength. "Sometimes, you can't handle it."

"I HAVE TO!" I roar, baring my teeth as I throw my head back to look at him. "I have to be able to handle it! Because if I don't then who's going to help everyone else?"

"Ichan," Toshinori caresses my cheek, thumbing away tears. "That's not your job."

"But it is." I cough, rubbing my eyes and shaking in my exhaustion. "They say it's not, but every time I ask for help, they redirect me to their problems. It is because I can't leave them to deal with it on their own like they can with me. I can't leave it be because I'm scared they'll get hurt. They'll get sad. And no one will be there for them. So I'm here, Mr. Symbol. I AM HERE." I huff, raking my fingers through my hair. If anyone understands that, it's you. "And that's fine. I don't mind that. I would break myself in half a hundred times and cry every night and give limbs and organs and whatever other bodily instrument they need to keep them safe. To keep them happy. To keep them protected and of sound mind. But…" I open my mouth, unable to find the words.

"But there's no one to do that for you." Toshinori breathes, eyes glistening as I look at him. An understanding that breaks me and sews me back together reflects in those pretty blue eyes. "Someone's always too busy. Everyone else has problems at the same time you do. Someone always needs your strength to help hold them up even when you're tired and don't know if you can…but you do it all the same."

"Y-Yeah…" I shrivel back into his arms, heart aching as guilt weighs heavy.

He knows all about it because he does it every day. And here I am whining about it. Adding stress to one of his few rest times.

"Toshi, I'm–"

"Don't you dare apologize to me." He growls, gripping my jaw to make me look at him. "What did you tell me when I first met you? Before you ever knew I was All Might? You told me that you wished you could take the burden of every hero and carry it for a while. And when you learned I was All Might you did." He kisses my lips, slowly carving out every soft crevice of my skin. "So don't you dare apologize for letting me do the same."

Silence hangs in the air like drying laundry as he holds me, breath heavy as he bears the brunt of my sadness for me. And for once, I let him.