Dark 5.3: Siezing (in) the Moment
Genesis
May 8, 2020
You take a deep breath and steady yourself. It's been almost two weeks. You need to have this conversation eventually. Can't keep dancing around him without knowing what actually happened. And thinking of the contradictions doesn't give you as much of a headache anymore. You should do this.
But you don't want to face your ex. Even if you're pretty sure you never actually dated. Even if you aren't actually interested in boys. (Although he's a special kind of boy.)
Enough stalling. You quickly knock on the door before pulling your knuckles back like it burned them.
"What?" Kekoa calls out from inside of his room.
"I wanted to talk."
You hear him get out of bed with a 'thunk' before stomping over to the door. Is he angry? Is this just how he walks? You've been trying to think about how Cuicatl must see the world. She told you your footsteps were light and you tended to move either in short bursts or in very long, continuous pacing. You aren't sure if that's a compliment or not? Or what she likes in footsteps. If she likes anything in footsteps. It makes your head hurt when you try and imagine what she would find attractive. And not in the brain damage kind of way.
The door opens. "'Sup?" Kekoa 'sups.
"I wanted to talk."
"You said that."
He's giving you nothing to work with. He doesn't look angry. Or… lustful. Just bored? Curious? You've never been good with—
—reading other people's feelings. You take a quick breath to fill your lungs. Darn it. Must have seized up again. The only sign for you is that you're a little out of breath and stuff has moved around a bit. It's just annoying like this. But if it happened away from a psychic you would probably die of suffocation without ever noticing there was a problem.
"I wanted to talk about our history."
He steps away from the door and waves you in.
His room is oddly clean. You were expecting it to be dirtier. More like Levi's. More like a boy's. (Although it still does smell like body spray in a way that's more disgusting than if he hadn't tried to cover things up.) Does that mean. No. You really shouldn't go there. Maybe he was just taught that way growing up. You can't forgive yourself and then judge someone else for the same thing.
It's good logic. You still blurt out, "Your room's cleaner than I was expecting."
You can't even blame the brain damage. You probably would have done this before. Still embarrassing.
He just rolls his eyes. "Got bitched out by foster parents enough times that some of it sank in."
"Oh." He's also lost his parents. You can't remember if you knew that or not. Now that you do it feels like you always did, but you definitely didn't before. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't kill them."
Dead, then. Not. What happened to you. Well, you weren't expecting it to be exactly—like what happened to you, just maybe something close. And the room moved again between blinks. Stupid glitching.
"I, um, just wanted to ask some—thing." Two in a row? You know it happens when you're nervous but now you're out of breath after doing nothing at all.
"Shoot."
"We didn't, um, maybe. Kiss?"
You discovered that Shirona's sunscreen wasn't really strong enough for you after months inside. Your skin is redder now than it was the first time you woke up with a full-body burn.
Kekoa just laughs. "Holy shit, they fucked you up bad."
Is that a 'no'? A 'yes' that you did more and can't remember?
He must see that you're confused. "We didn't kiss. Kind of hated each other, actually."
"What?" You think you remember that. But it's hazy as to why. You'd kind of thought it was because of the rooftop, but if that didn't happen then.
"Don't take it personal. Didn't like your parents."
"Oh." You take a deep breath. That makes sense. "I don't think I like my parents, either."
"Join the club. What's it like having brain damage?"
You blink. Did you glitch or did he just move between the two with no break? That's. You think that's something he would do. Maybe. It's hard to tell. Everything is just a little bit off from how you think it should be.
"The only thing keeping me alive right now is a robot pokémon." You glance up to Noci in the corner of Kekoa's room, just out of both your and Kekoa's line of sight. She can be very stealthy for a big steel-type.
"Wait, do they have to go into the bathroom with you?"
"Sometimes? Cuicatl says Noci can wait at the door and be fine but I don't want to risk it."
Kekoa makes a weird face. A grimace? Disgust? "They're way too into watching people pee."
[Unit010_10000111 Has Obtained Sufficient Data On Fluid Release;
No Further Observations Required]
"Then stop perving on people while they take a piss."
[Alarm Lvl 101: UD_Kekoa Lacks Command Privileges Over Unit010_100000111]
"Whatever. I'll get Cuicatl to order it. She has 'command privileges' or whatever, right?"
[Affirmative]
You giggle in spite of yourself. It's funny watching them go back and forth.
Kekoa sighs and turns back to you. "Sometimes I swear they're just doing this to fuck with me."
His language is coarser than you remembered. Or was he always like this? You can sort of remember some things on the trail. Is that Kekoa the real one, then? You'll have to try and focus more on that in your meditation.
"Why are you calling her a 'they?'" you ask. You aren't sure if you're doing something wrong. Cuicatl calls Noci a 'her.'
"Because they don't have a gender. Told Cuicatl that over and over. Doesn't matter; Cuicatl still misgenders them like a prick."
That. Doesn't sound like Cuicatl. Unless you're really misremembering things. Which you might be.
[Unit010_100000111 Has No Preference Regarding 'Pronouns.' Class: Feminine And Class: Neutral Are Both Acceptable]
"I think they're—she's fine with it?"
He folds his arms and looks away. His legs are crossed. Is that a girl thing? No. Stop it.
His legs have a lot of hair on them. And he just looks different in a way that you're pretty sure isn't entirely brain damage. And if he gets to ask an insensitive question.
"What's it like being on hormones?"
"Great. Beyond great. Like my body finally makes sense. Mostly makes sense." He glares down at his chest. It's maybe smaller than you remember but your memory also isn't great. "Can't wait to turn eighteen."
Oh. Do they not let you do that until you turn eighteen? You try to put yourself in his shoes. Growing up. Watching your body slowly,—unstoppably change against—your will—no matter how much you try to—why are you so out of breath?
"You okay?" Kekoa asks. He's leaning forward and his eyes are wider. His voice is way softer than usual, too. "You were glitching bad there."
You have to spend a few seconds catching your breath. Should you explain it? "Just thought about being trans and. Um. Having your body—change in ways you don't like, aware—and unable to—"
"Stop."
"Huh?" you pant. Damn it. Out of breath again.
"I get it. You think you get it and—do. Prob—body than mind."
The room is gently swirling around you. "I didn't hear that," you try to say. Instead you just groan.
"Oh shit. Uh. Noci, can you call Cuicatl over? Or Kagetora. We might have to—don't know. Get her first aid or whatever the fuck it is you do for…"
The world grows darker and darker even before you close your eyes.
You open your eyes and immediately close them again. The light. Too much.
"Noci, can you turn the light switch?"
The world is less bright against your eyelids. You cautiously reopen them with only a low groan.
"There's water and an aspirin on the table," Cuicatl says.
You reach over, fumble with the glass, and greedily pour it all down your throat. You keep tilting it up and up until the last drop finally falls out. Oliver looks at you with concern. He's so big now. You're glad for him. You gesture towards the bed and he shakes his head. Weird.
Then you turn back to Cuicatl. She's sitting up on her side of the bed. Her giant golisopod is sprawled out over his trainer's legs (and most of the bed). He idly turns towards you and stares at you with his compound eyes before yawning, showing off his four rows of knife-like teeth. Oh. That's why Oliver doesn't want to come up. The murder bug that's taller than him and three times wider. Although the murder vibe is undercut a little by his trainer stroking his armor with a toothbrush.
"Are you okay?" Cuciatl asks.
"Kind of." Your throat is parched and every word pounds against your skull.
{You sound like you have a migraine. I can help.}
"Wha?" Like, make it go away?
{No. I've had a lot. My brother had a lot. I know tricks.}
Out of the corner of your eye Noci opens the door and slips out before closing it again behind her.
{She's going to go make some coffee and get an ice pack. Staying in a dark, quiet room and trying to sleep it off is the last part.}
You continue to watch Cuicatl gently cleaning (?) her massive predatory insect. You don't get it. You, like most normal pokémon, prefer cute pokémon. Coco is cute. Was cuter when she hatched. Noci's odd but charming. You don't get Leo. At all.
"You like weird pokémon."
She smiles. Faintly. It still sends your heart fluttering. She liked your dumb, intrusive question. Statement. Whatever it was.
"The closest thing I ever had to a mother," she whispers, "was a hydreigon. For as long as I can remember I had to take care of everyone around me. She took care of me. Dragged me out to the mountains to learn her ways. Listened to me talk. Never asked for much in return. I blame her for my tastes."
That explains the first night. Shirona sent her garchomp to lie between you and Cuicatl and make sure nothing happened. You could barely sleep at all on the edge of the bed, staring at the dragon's scars, blades, and fangs. At some point Cuicatl ended up snuggled into the scaly monster with Coco curled up on her other side. The garchomp had a wing laid over them both. It was about as adorable as any image of a seven-foot dragon could be.
Cuicatl laid out her history like it's heartwarming. It's actually just really depressing.
"You didn't have parents?"
She shrugs and starts rubbing circles with her brush a little more forcefully. Her smile is gone. "My mom died giving birth. Dad was busy. It was just my brother and me, and he had better things to do than chores."
That's why she's so good at cooking and stuff. You'd never really thought to ask. That was stupid. You should have. Not the most important thing. She mentioned a few people she doesn't talk about much if ever. You aren't sure you want to ask about any of them. The answers might be bad and she seems. Not happy but. Okay. You vaguely remember that she always seems at her best when she's caring for her team or talking about them. Maybe that's true. Who knows. Certainly not your torn-up brain.
You decide not to ask. Your headache is too bad to really pay attention to your words and it seems like a serious subject. If she can read the questions from your mind, she doesn't answer them. Just keeps brushing her bug.
"Your polish is chipped." And it is. Chipped and streaked until almost nothing remains.
She flinches a little. "Is it? I'm sorry. Maybe the pool? Or. I don't know. It's not as much of a thing in Anahuac and I wouldn't know how to apply it in the first place."
"I'm not attacking you." She sounds like she's being attacked. Looks like it, too. Twisted her back and shoulders like she's a togedemaru rolled up into a ball to protect herself. "We can reapply it. Later."
Cuicatl relaxes a little. Not quite back to where she was but not as defensive. "I would like that."
You would, too. It's kind of an excuse to almost hold your crush's hand and it looks good on her. Still figuring out the ideal color. Maybe her burning through it quickly helps with that? The green you tried wasn't quite the right shade. Blood red was fun. Fit her vibe. And it looked pretty. Black worked. You're curious about white. Maybe silver? Shirona had a good collection and she said she could buy more.
The door swings open and you wince at the light. You wince harder when it practically slams shut. You look up to see Noci floating in with a few objects resting on her back, like she's a giant tray carried by an invisible waiter. She lowers herself down next to you. There's a mug of steaming brown liquid and an ice pack. Your nose scrunches up involuntarily. Coffee. You've never figured out why people like it so much.
"I told her to load it with sugar. Shouldn't be that bad."
"This helps?" And, more importantly: "She can make coffee?"
"Yes to both."
"Huh." You steel yourself and down a sip of the liquid. It's… not terrible. The aftertaste sucks but you can handle it on your tongue. Also, not that hot? Maybe Noci has cooling powers or something.
"Put the ice pack on your neck when you're done."
You're glad she's looking after you. It's sweet. Yet. With what she said.
"You don't have to take care of me."
She glances over her shoulder at you. Well. Not 'glances.' Is that just a way to show she's paying attention?
"I'll be fine. If you don't want to. You've done a lot of it and. Um. Yeah."
Maybe this was a bad idea.
"I'm fine."
It was an empty gesture anyway. You literally need her (or her pokémon) to live. Maybe you can make it up to her later? Take care of her. Not that you're very good at cooking or cleaning or anything useful. Um. Maybe you'll have to learn. But not like Miss Riv—ers tried.
"I think you should try to rest," Cuicatl says gently.
"Did I glitch?"
"Yes."
Darn it. She's right. Don't want to knock yourself out again. You're guessing that's not good for your brain.
"Alright." You gesture up to the bed but Oliver shakes his head 'no' once again. And you aren't going to have Cuicatl send her pokémon away. You reach for two of the extra pillows and wrap your arms around one. The other goes between your knees. There. This is almost like cuddling someone.
Your migraine is gone when you wake up. So are Cuicatl and her golisopod. Oliver is cautiously lying down on her side of the bed, one eye on you and the other on the door. Can't blame him. You'd have trouble sleeping in this room if you didn't know how loyal Leo and Coco were to their trainer.
You give him a quick hug before standing up. It's not like you have much scheduled out these days. Sort of just on a vacation with an indefinite end date. You're fine with that. Haven't gotten bored quite yet. Really just what you need after everything.
Lyra's in the hallway when you open the door. She abruptly stops and turns towards you. "Oh. Hi."
"Hello."
And you both stand there. She's been skirting around you the last week. Sometimes staring from the corner of the room when she thinks you won't notice. That's another thing you'll need to deal with.
"Should we talk?"
She nods. Smiling. Relieved, you think. "My room?"
"Sure."
Lyra glares at Noci at the door and the steel-type stays hovering outside when she closes it.
Her room is actually messier than Kekoa's. Not terrible, but the bed is unmade and there's a pile of clothes sitting on the ground in the corner. She sits down on the bed and leaves you the chair. Huh. A lot like Kekoa this morning.
It's probably best not to think about that. Don't want to pass out again.
"What… did you want to talk about?" Lyra's leaning forward with a small smile. Excited? You feel like you should know more about her. How to read her. But you don't.
"I wanted to try and fill some of the holes in my memory."
"Well." Her smile falters. "Do you remember me at all?"
"No."
She sighs and closes her eyes. "I was afraid of that."
"I should remember you, though?"
"I was your first kiss. I'd hope so."
Your mind makes another connection to this morning's conversation. "The rooftop?"
"Yup." And now she's smiling again. "You do remember. Just not the people in it?"
You aren't sure you want to break the exact truth to her. Even saying it aloud feels weird now that you know it definitely didn't happen like that. "Sort of." One data point filled. Now what about everything around it? "What happened after?"
Lyra raises her left index finger. And lowers it. And raises it. And lowers it. "Your parents found out."
Oh.
You don't want to think about that.
Neither does she, apparently.
"I tried to contact you afterwards but didn't have any information. Sorry."
Did you have her information? Was there some reason you didn't reach out?
Wait. Yes. You were the type of person who agreed to… that. You would have been upset with her. If it wasn't something you wanted. And she wouldn't know your thoughts to know if you wanted it. Would know if you started it. Like, um, Cuicatl. But there you thought you were dating and.
"Were we dating?" You're guessing not. Given your. Everything.
"I thought we were without ever putting that in words. I think you loved me, too, in your own way."
That sounds like a lot of words for a 'no.'
Might as well go back to the beginning. "How did we meet?"
She tells you. It's a long, winding story. Her country was destroyed. You had a nice playground to distract her. You were weird, in a good way. (In the best way, as she put it.) Individual moments stand out in your memory as tiny things you remember well for some reason. Now you know why. She's been replaced in some of them. You went to homecoming with a boy in your memories. Not her.
It's a good story. Full of twists and turns and emotion. You won't deny the power of a story. But it's just that to you. Even knowing it's all true you find it hard to really believe it with heart and soul.
"Did that jog your memory?" There's so much hope in her expression. It kills you to shake your head and watch it all drain away.
"Fine. We need to talk about Cuicatl."
She won't meet your gaze anymore. Which is okay by you. Eye contact is hard and people expect it too often.
"Oh? Did something happen while you were traveling."
"I don't think so, but it would've been trivial for her to fuck with my mind so I didn't notice."
You shudder. You definitely noticed it happening. That might have just made it worse. She takes the shudder as a sign to keep going.
"When she was in your head, how do you know that she didn't alter anything? You weren't dating before, she's told me that, and then suddenly you come out sharing the same bed and—did she make you that way? I'm just trying to be sure."
You blush when she mentions sharing the bed. That one was your idea. "The bed is so I don't die." And because maybe you wanted an excuse to be near her. Even if the garchomp made it clear that you are not to be too near to her.
"You could have just borrowed her metang."
Yes. You could have. But you didn't want to. Even if Noci doesn't sleep and is way more reliable at unseizing you, you're still comforted having someone soft and human looking after you. It's not that you don't trust the metang, but that you only trust her because she's owned by someone else. You could just take out the middleman there.
She sighs when you don't answer. "Again, is that her influence? I'm just asking questions here."
"Cuicatl turned me down."
"What?"
"In her mindscape I kind of kissed her because everything was a mess and I thought we were dating."
"And that thought came from—"
"I barely remembered her," you cut her off. You know where she's going. You don't care. "I just thought that someone swooping in to save me, literally letting me into her own mind, that we might have been dating before. She told me that we weren't. That I was too loopy to make decisions. Even now she doesn't want to do anything until I don't need her to stay alive. If she was doing this to take advantage of me, she's doing it in a really weird way."
"If you're sure…" She neither sounds nor looks sure.
Suddenly your stomach roars like Coco in a loud, jarring mess of overlapping sounds.
How long has it even been since you last ate?
You actually have no idea.
Lyra shakes her head. "Well, you've given me a lot to think about. Let's pick this back up later."
"Okay."
It's not an empty promise. You probably will. You just aren't quite sure you need to. It would be nice to have another friend. But if she's going out of her way to attack one of the few people you both like and sort of remember, there are going to be problems.
May 10, 2020
Shirona bought stronger sunscreen and your burn has faded. It's safe to go outside again. Even if you're a little nervous when you feel the sun on your skin. Outside is nice. Outside is not worth spending hours trying and failing to find a comfortable position at night or having to resist the urge to tear off your peeling skin like a new butterfree leaving its shell.
Cuicatl is drying out on one of the chairs. Or maybe she's just asleep. Her eyes are closed but that might not mean anything. Her towel is only loosely draped around her shoulders. She usually dresses somewhat modestly but now you can see pretty much her entire leg. Her gentle curves are also way more visible this way. Sometimes they get entirely covered up in her flowy outfits.
"Hi, Gen."
Not asleep, then. "How'd you know it was me?"
"Breathing."
"Explain?"
"No."
She stretches out and yawns like a fox waking up. (She had a fox—you saw her, you just don't know the full story.) Speaking of foxes, Ferny walks over before sitting down beside you. "Dr. Karashina and I have been talking," Cuicatl says, "and you have a choice to make."
"Oh?" That can't be good. Turns out you're really, really bad at making choices.
"Relax. It's not that big. For you."
"Go on…"
"Dr. Karashina's pool has some salt in it so her milotic is comfortable. Sir Bubbles has been swimming in it. That means he'll probably start evolving into a poliwrath soon. But if we can find a king's rock we could probably push him the other way. Dr. Karashina says they can be found on the seafloor around here. We could have Wakumi and Leo look for one if you wanted."
You glance down at Ferny beside you. "That shouldn't be my choice, though? What does he want?"
Sir Bubbles croaks behind you and you whirl around. When did he get here? You thought he was resting inside. Someone must have let him out. Which is fine. Obviously. Just didn't know he was present. "Which do you want to turn into?" you ask him. It isn't your place to decide what he gets to be. Maybe he'd go along but. It would be wrong. It would be irreversible— You can't. Not after—everything.
"Breathe." Cuicatl whispers. She's right beside you. When did. Oh. Right. Glitching.
Sir Bubbles croaks twice and hisses.
"Politoed," Cuicatl says. "They're loud. He likes loud."
"I'm sure you'll be the very loudest," you tell him.
"Leo!" Cuicatl calls. The bug raises himself over the edge of the pool, mandibles rising up and down under his mouth. You can almost, kind of, sometimes, understand Cuicatl's love for dragons. That thing? No. Never. It looks more like an alien than her pokémon who actually is one. "Do you think you could find the stone we were talking about? Circle with some shards sticking out on one side."
He clacks his mandibles together, fully pulls himself out of the water, and scuttles off towards the beach.
{I'm proud of you.}
{I did the bare minimum.}
{Many wouldn't.}
Yeah. You glance down at Ferny. At your feet. Many wouldn't.
This is too—depressing. You want to do something else. Dwelling on it won't—change anything. So you won't. That's done. You're. Moving. On. To. Better. Things.
"What do you want to do today, Ferny?" you ask him. "I haven't been giving you the time you deserve."
Not like Cuicatl would. She's always surrounded by at least one of her pokémon.
He flicks an ear and barks.
"Fetch."
Ah. "Okay. Is there a ball somewhere? Or I could find one?" He turns around an opens a box you'd never noticed with his paw. He pulls out a blue ball with his teeth and walks over to you. Well, okay then.
Sir Bubbles croaks.
"He also wants to play."
That wouldn't be very fair. He's still slow on land as a poliwhirl. Probably still will be as a politoed. But. You have a pool. You could maybe play two games at once. No. What if you glitched while in the water? You could try to stay in the shallows but even then you could fall down. You heard once about some crusader dying in three inches of water or whatever because he couldn't get up in his armor.
"If we sat in the pool, could you watch me and pull me up if anything happened?" you ask Cuicatl.
"Sure. Mind if Coco plays? She likes fetch."
Ferny huffs and shakes his leaf. He doesn't want to.
"He says it's fine. Coco's slow."
Oh. Uh. Well, you'll have to remember that reaction. Cuicatl really is incredible. What is her world like being able to talk to pretty much anything? It must be so much more alive than yours.
Oliver and Sir Bubbles dive after little plastic torpedoes while you throw a ball to Ferny and Coco. If the pool wasn't so big the catch game wouldn't work. Sir Bubbles swims like a human with rotating arms. Oliver kicks off from the pool edge and moves with big, broad strokes. He easily wins, but every time Sir Bubbles gains more and more on him. It seems to really be motivating him to train while still being fun. Good. You should do this more often.
There isn't really a competition on land. You toss the ball. Ferny runs and catches it, sometimes mixing a quick attack into his steps so he can catch it right as it falls. Coco just starts running when you throw the ball. She keeps her head tilted up towards the sky and her arms flailing as she runs. Not that she's really running towards the ball. Usually, she just turns and keeps running around the entire pool like that before trotting back to Cuicatl for headpats. He does catch it, once, when it falls into her open mouth and takes her completely by surprise.
You only glitch once, right after a throw, going from sitting upright to leaning back in Cuicatl's arms. How did she see you falling? Oh, wait. She didn't. Just sensed you glitching with her psychic senses. What's that like, anyway?
"A giant ping in a different… tone, I guess. Lower and to the side from normal sounds. That's how I hear all the psychic stuff."
You're pretty sure you didn't say that aloud.
"You were thinking pretty loud and I was already paying attention to your mind."
"I'll. Uh. Think quietly?"
She laughs. "Just don't think about me while we're touching if you don't want me to overhear it."
Right. Her hand is still on your back. You sit up and do your best not to blush. Maybe it'll just look like another burn? Not that there's anyone around to see it. Anyone who isn't a pokémon, anyway. You take the ball from Ferny and toss it again. This time it doesn't even make it to ground before something snatches it out of the air. You follow the noibat with your eyes and see it perch on Lyra's shoulder as she finishes walking up the staircase from the beach. Her absol and mudbray trot up behind her She's. Really pretty. Fills our her swimsuit better than Cuicatl could. Better than you do. And her skin is flawless. You can see why you would have been attracted to her before. Just not why you would've fallen for her. You like personalities. Or you're pretty sure you do. It would be really shallow if you were only into bodies. Most of what you know about her is still just that she doesn't like your friend.
Lyra's noibat drops the ball into her open hand. "Mind if my team plays?" she asks. "Musei can carry the ball while the others chase."
Then it isn't really you playing with your pokémon. You glance to Cuicatl. She hasn't moved at all since Lyra started talking. Fear?
"And why's Gen in the pool? What if she freezes up?"
"Cuicatl's caught me before," you tell her.
"You've got about a foot on her. You really expect she can catch you?"
"You can take over, Lyra," Cuicatl murmurs before slowly scooting away. Lyra obliges and sits down next to you while Cuicatl swims off towards a slightly deeper part of the shallows. You wonder how she learned to swim in the first place.
You're a little mad Cuicatl didn't fight since you wanted her to stay. But. She's probably just trying to keep things from blowing up. They traveled together for a long time while you were—gone. Lyra gently presses you back upright after the glitch. Surely they at least liked each other? Is all of this really over you? Why? That's really dumb. You can make your own choices without them fighting about it.
The noibat plays with the other land pokémon while the three of you awkwardly sit around in the pool. You still throw the torpedo out when Oliver returns with it but it's not very fun anymore.
"How's the thesis going?" you finally ask Cuicatl. Just so someone is saying something.
"Had to throw almost all of it out. Dr. Karashina is helping me rewrite it about hydreigon."
"It can't have been that bad, right?" Lyra asks. "VStar had a mentor set up. I assumed they were polishing it."
"I… didn't like her much. Tried not to ask too much of her."
"Then they should've found another one. They have the money."
"…she had an oricorio," Cuicatl whispers. "I didn't want to upset her again."
Oricorio? The dancing birds? What's wrong with that? And why is Lyra blanching beside you?
"You never told me that," she says.
"Happened before we met."
She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, and huffs. "I can never tell whether VStar's leadership is malicious or just staggeringly incompetent."
Cuicatl shrugs. "Don't care. They have money."
"For your mom's pokémon, right?" Lyra follows up before you can even think of what to say.
"Yes."
"Cool. You get them. What then? You'll still have a tyrantrum, metagross, and hydreigon to feed. You'll still need money. Are you prepared to be indebted to people who don't care about you forever?"
Coco grumble-coos something from the side of the pool and Cuicatl's face immediately softens. "It's fine, Coco. I can take care of it. Don't worry. Go back to your game."
The dinosaur growls softly before reluctantly chasing after the noibat.
Is Cuicatl trying to keep her from worrying about the money issues? That's what's happening, right? She's a good mom. Better than—Lyra breaks your fall and pushes you upright.
"You deserve better than them," Lyra says. "That's all."
"Didn't know if you still cared."
"I do. Just." She sighs and sprawls out in the water, legs pointed out as far as they can go and back sinking down against the concrete stairs. "It's complicated right now."
Cuicatl hauls herself up and out of the pool before holding out a hand. Coco rushes over and shimmies under it. She walks to her towel and drapes it over her shoulders. "I'm going to dry off and get back to work on my thesis."
"Okay. Good luck," you tell her. And then no one speaks again until she's gone.
When the door closes you turn to Lyra. Maybe you shouldn't confront her now. Just. Later. For now there's something else you want to know. "You never told me much about yourself. Just what happened between us."
She frowns. "Yeah."
"Can you? Tell me something? Like you were on the trail, right? Why?"
"I want to take the first steps towards being an explorer."
You sort of remember something about that, just tied to someone else. "What do explorers do, again?"
"Well, there are actually still lots of areas no one's ever been to. The middle of the Congo, parts of Antarctica, most of the sea floor. Like, we only learned hydrothermal vents were a thing forty years ago. Crazy, right?"
You don't know what a hydrothermal vent is. You nod anyway.
"I want to get strong and skilled enough that I can go there. See if there's something big we still don't know about. Like the Mammoth Cave Apex Predator. We know there's something down there eating things, but since the sableye eat the camera traps and it's, you know, always totally dark we have no idea what it is. I could find that out. Maybe catch it, maybe just photograph or draw it. And then I've done something no one else has. Something even rarer than going to the fucking moon."
She's smiling. You haven't seen her smile much, smile genuinely, anyway, in the weeks that you've known her. She's also more relaxed and speaking with less caution than usual. It often sounds like she has to carefully weigh every syllable before she speaks. You like this. If she was always like this before you can understand why you were friends.
"Uh huh." You subtly encourage her to go on.
She does. It's nice. It feels pleasantly familiar for reasons you can guess but not know.
And at the end you have to ruin it.
"Why are you mad at Cuicatl?"
"What?"
"You're mad at Cuicatl. Why?"
She shifts nervously while you throw the dart out to your aquatic pokémon. "I just. This isn't how things were supposed to go. I spent years as your best friend. Maybe your only friend. You went to homecoming with me. I thought. I thought that things were looking up. That we could be together. And then we meet again and you don't even know me. Just… a psychic. The kind of person who has hurt us both. If it was anyone else I think I might've snapped already. But. It's her. I know her. Like her. And." She pouts and crosses her arms over her chest. "It's unfair."
You pick up the torpedo Oliver returns to you. Before you throw it you take a long look at Sir Bubbles swimming back and at Ferny snatching a ball out of midair. "I can make my own choices," you say. "I'm the only one who can now. You don't own me. Neither does she."
"I know. I'm not—them." She spits the word with as much hate towards them in her voice as you have fear.
"I liked hearing you talk about your interests," you tell her as you finally toss the torpedo. "I think we could still be friends. Pick up where we actually—left off." This time you push yourself back up before she can. "But I need you to work things out with Cuicatl, okay? This is dumb."
Oliver brings the torpedo back and you throw it. This time Sir Bubbles dives towards the bottom and manages to shove Oliver out of the way before catching the toy in one of his hands. He comes back and croaks as loudly as he can before dropping the plastic torpedo in your lap. Maybe that was cheating. You're still beyond proud of him.
Lyra slowly gets to her feet and holds a hand out to you. "Fine. I'll go in and talk to her. But you can't be in the pool unsupervised."
You smile and take her hand. "That's a deal, then."
Maybe things can still be okay? For Lyra and Cuicatl at least. For you they're—what they are. You blink and look up to see Lyra looking at you with concern, her hand tightly wrapped around your middle.
"Going to lie down on a pool chair." It's the only way you can safely think. If you want to. Do you want to? That all—happened. You can't change it. Why would you want to think about bad things. Just. Happy thoughts. You spent so long controlling your thoughts. You can keep doing it now. You need to keep doing it now. You've been through too much to still be miserable, so you won't be. Whatever it takes.