Dark 5.5: Repair
Genesis
May 25, 2020
Today is the day. It's been a little over—three weeks. Lila scheduled a checkup to see if they can fix things. Just—a checkup. Like a tap on the knee or a—shot in the arm. It's fine. You trust them. And you want to be fixed again. So you can be away from Cuicatl without dying. So you can breathe without glitching. So you can maybe make things work with Cuicatl. She hasn't said no. Just that she needs to wait. Which is fair.
You know you're probably moving too fast there. Just. What else is left? There's no family to go back to. No job. You aren't sure you ever really had friends. You can only talk to your pokémon because of her. Lyra would take you but she wants the same thing. There's nothing behind you. The only way to go is forward. If you want to be happy you'll need to seize it. You spent months wallowing in place. You can't—do that anymore.
Kekoa glances at the clock beside you. He's here. You're glad for that, even if you still aren't sure what to say to him. From what Cuicatl's said you got off on the wrong foot because he was trans, which. Tracks. You hated gay people so much you were willing to—do anything to not be one. You wouldn't have liked him. Now you aren't sure how to apologize for things you don't remember doing.
You close your eyes and focus on breathing. It helps get your lungs the oxygen they need even with the glitches. You can feel something jump up on the couch beside you. Probably Coco. Feels heavy enough and her mother is here. Human mother, anyway. You think it's adorable how affectionate the little dino is.
"They're here," Cuicatl says.
"What?"
"Lila's here."
"How do you know that?" Kekoa asks.
The doorbell rings.
"Felt their alakazam arrive. You couldn't? They aren't subtle."
"We're not all psychics," Kekoa grumbles.
Shirona gets up and walks to the door, even though Kekoa was closer. Rude of him. Although you suppose Shirona knows Lila better than anyone but Cuicatl, and she wouldn't be able to answer quickly.
"Hello, Doctor. Is she ready?"
Shirona glances back at you. Right. Do or die.
"I—am."
Even if you're scared. Even if you'd rather not think about letting someone—else—in.
Cuicatl's hand is suddenly on your elbow. "Breathe," she whispers. "It's going to be okay."
You should want this. You need this. But now it's here and they—have an alakazam and are looking into—entering your mind.
No—
No.
No, you have to do this.
"We can delay it for a while longer. Or I can do a scan on someone first, show it's safe."
You stand up and walk over to the psychic.
"I'll do it."
They look at you with an unreadable expression. "If you're sure. Please sit down so I can do the initial scan."
You find a comfy chair and lower yourself into it. Will this knock you out? Will you feel it like you—felt—last—time.
"Deep breaths." Lila either closed half the room's worth of distance immediately or you glitched a lot. The latter, given how greedily you're gulping down air. "You shouldn't feel any pain from the scan. I won't change anything. If you ever want me to stop I'll stop right then. Deal?"
You look over at Cuicatl. She could step in again if Lila didn't. It's fine. This—is going to be—okay.
"D-deal."
You feel a weight settle over your being. Tingles race down your spine from head to toe. There's a feeling of… not electricity, but something like it in your head. Lila wanders around you in a circle to get a view of something from all angles. Their alakazam just hovers in the air and gazes into you. And then almost all the pressure is gone.
"Not as bad as I'd feared," Lila says as they finish their circle to stand in front of you. "I can definitely do it today."
You take a deep breath. This is fine. You can do this. "What, exactly, would you be doing?"
"Just closing up some connections that were severed. You shouldn't have paralytic events anymore. It probably won't restore any memories, though. It's possible that a few things become easier to remember. I just wouldn't get your hopes up."
"Will it hurt?" you ask.
"Maybe briefly. If it hurts for more than the shortest of moments, let me know and I'll stop as soon as I can."
Don't fight, sit still, take some hurt. Everything will be fine.
Except you really, genuinely, wholly like the outcome of this one. You don't need to be worn down and convinced. It's better for you now. Means you can maybe date. Later. You aren't sure how Cuicatl would take it.
"Sure." You get up and walk over to the couch. Oliver trails you but stays just outside of your reach. Kekoa is leaning on the wall in the corner with his arms crossed, toucannon out at his side. Weird. He usually doesn't let the bird inside. Very much not housebroken. More of Shirona's team seems to be out than usual, too. You can see her lucario, roserade, and garchomp in the kitchen. Even her milotic is standing alert just outside the doors to the pool deck. Are they worried about you? That's sweet.
You don't think you have anything to be afraid of, though. Lila was a police officer. They can't be that bad of a person.
"Close your eyes and try to relax. This won't take too long."
You do. Once everything is dark you take a deep breath. Lila's presence fills your mind shortly after. They're gentler. More like a scalpel probing around than a hand ruffling through things. Eventually they seem to find what they're looking for in what feels like the very center of your mindscape.
{This is going to feel weird. Shouldn't hurt. 3… 2… 1…}
Your whole world flips. Your left hand is on the right and right hand on the left. You still think you're facing up but your face is reversed, too. Then you feel things bleeding back. Extremities getting pulled back towards the core as everything oozes back into place. Nothing hurts. Everything feels deeply wrong until it abruptly stops moving with everything back in the right position.
{That was the only connection I need to make across the corpus callosum. The feeling shouldn't happen again.}
You take a deep breath. {Okay.}
They move on to a few seemingly random places around the edge. Sometimes you feel them strike and your world freezes for a moment before resuming at a slightly different angle. There's a full-body pinching feeling but it doesn't hurt. Once a scene of… Lyra, you think… flashes through your mind's eye so quickly you can't track any of it. Another time you suddenly can't feel any part of your body. Your mind is just disembodied, not even weighed down by gravity.
Lila reaches out to you again. {This is going to hurt. It shouldn't hurt for long. Do you want to do it?}
{I already told you yes.}
You can take it. How bad can it—
You become aware of every part of your body. Every follicle on your scalp, every joint in your fingers, every bone in your ear, every individual tooth. And they all hurt, burning and screaming like a full body papercut—
It's gone. You don't hurt anymore. There's no lingering, fading pain. Nothing. Like it never even happened. The whole thing was so short you didn't have time to scream. You feel Lila's mind unravel around you as they withdraw. Finally, only one tendril remains. It runs over a patch of mindscape and then it, too, is severed. Then even the presence of their alakazam fades.
"It's over. You can open your eyes."
The world seems different when you do. Clearer. Like you opened a window. It was clear before, but now there's no obstruction at all. You flex your fingers. You can feel them. Painlessly. On the right side of your body. Everything moves right when you sit up. It's almost… surprising. No lingering wrongness. Nothing hurting. So different than last time.
You can think about last time without your breath hitching even a little.
Not that you want to think about it.
"Everything fine?"
"Yes." You roll your shoulders and move everything you can think of from head to toe. "Thank you."
"No problem." They turn to Shirona and fold their arms behind their very straight back. "I can wait outside if needed. Give you all some space."
Shirona glances to you. "I'm fine," you tell her. Honestly. I'm glad they helped.
"Then I'll make some tea," Shirona says.
Cuicatl gives you a shoulder hug. She looks proud. And maybe you should be proud. You faced your fears and came out the other side. And now. Well. Now you can start moving forwards.
She says no.
"What?"
"No," Cuicatl repeats. "I like you. And I'll accept, eventually." your heart flutters. "But you need therapy. You can get it now that Noci or I aren't watching you at all times."
"It wasn't—"
"It was."
You make eye contact, loathe as you are to do it. Her empty eyes stare back. They aren't cloudy anymore (when did that get fixed) but they're still vacant. Unmoving. Like a doll's eyes. You know she's smart, probably way smarter than you, but there's not a spark of intelligence in them like the books said there would be.
Cuicatl looks down at her lap.
"I'm doing it. You can, too."
Fine. You probably need it. You aren't eager to go to another therapist, someone else trying to fix you, after everything that happened with Mrs. Rivers. But if it's what you need to do, you'll do it.
May 29, 2023
"Good morning, Genesis, please have a seat."
You sit down on the couch and cross your legs.
"Do you remember our last meeting? You were a bit out of it so it's fine if not."
"Sort of." It was right after… everything. You can think about that without glitching. Even when you take a deep breath on reflex it isn't needed. It's almost disappointing. Before you couldn't think about the past for long, not without needing to breathe and change your line of thought. Now? You can think about it as much as you want. You could easily get lost in thoughts and never find your way out on your own. Before it's just been a little embarrassing when that happened. Now it's terrifying.
"Alright." She pushes up her glasses and takes a sip of her tea. Could you ask for some? It smells good. Would that be weird? "My name is Dr. Valerie Livens. You can call me whatever you like. I'm a therapist who works with the league to cover the particularly difficult cases. Teens dealing with more than homesickness or mild anxiety or depression. Eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, personality disorders, schizophrenia—"
"They let them travel?" You blurt out. You know your sister has been diagnosed with something or other along those lines. She shouldn't have access to pokémon. Xerneas knows what she'd do to them. What she'd make them do to everyone else.
Dr. Livens purses her lips. Great. You've already messed up. "Yes. Often times people with serious mental health disorders are being abused at home. It would be cruel to keep them stuck there because of a stigma against the diagnosis, especially when that diagnosis could have developed or been exacerbated because of their home life."
"What if they try to kill someone?"
She looks at you with an unreadable expression. "Are you worried about that?"
"My sister tried to kill my brother. Now she's locked up on the mainland in… well, she called it juvie, but it's supposed to be helping her."
She keeps staring at you. Through you? At something else. You take a quick peek over your shoulder and nothing's there. "I hate to think of what your family's idea of 'helping her' entails. Are you worried I'm going to lock you up?"
"What? No. Just. I don't know. How do you deal with bad people who come in?"
The doctor looks down at her cup. "Oh, how rude of me. Would you like some tea?"
"Yes, please."
She leaves the room to pour you a cup. Probably thinking over her answer.
Dr. Livens returns and gives you a cup. It's black tea. Not really your thing but it would be rude to refuse after asking for it. "I give people the tools they need to help themselves. I will listen to them, offer suggestions, whatever is needed. What I cannot do is make people's choices for them. If they become a threat to themselves or another, I have to step in."
"That makes sense."
The conversation lulls. Should you say something? What?
"Have you been in therapy before?" Dr. Livens finally asks.
"Kind of? My parents hired a woman to supervise things before they fired her and…" You should finish that sentence. She's your therapist and should probably know. You just. Can't.
"A conversion therapist, then."
"Yes."
Her eyes narrow. "Rest assured, I'm not like that. I can give you tricks to manage your thoughts and feelings. I can talk to you to help you better understand yourself. But I'm not here to change you against your will."
You look down at your lap and fidget. Can you hug one of the pillows? That feels awkward. You shouldn't. Even if you want your arms to be doing something. "What if something should be changed?" you ask. "Like a mental problem."
"That's a good question, actually, and something I think about a lot. First, we'd have to decide what's a 'problem' and what's just another way of being. Society tends to look at people who are different from normal and believe the problem is the difference, not the barriers they put up to punish it." She grimaces while sipping her tea. "You know that better than most. But then there are things that are closer to mental injuries. PTSD and depression, for example. Most people just want their symptoms to go away. I can help manage them. I'm glad to do so. Then there's the middle ground. Bipolar, schizophrenia, other ailments that we can repress with medication. If the medicine is benign enough and the problem severe enough it can be worth repressing. But that's the patient's decision to make, not mine."
"Oh." You clasp your hands together but now you want to move your feet. Ugh. "Can I send out a pokémon? If it's not okay I get it, but—"
"That's perfectly fine."
You release Ferny. He's good to pet. Just glances around before curling up in your lap. He smells nice, too. You've missed him.
"I don't like starting out by asking directly about traumas. I've heard the basics. That's all I need for now. Would you like to talk about something else instead?"
"The future." The words slip out before you can even really think of them. "Like. I guess. I can't go home. Things between Lyra and Cuicatl—she's told you about that, right?"
"I can't discuss her sessions with you," she replies. "Would you like to tell me your view of the situation?"
"Um. Okay, Lyra knew me beforehand. But then I was made to forget about her when…" Nope. Still don't want to say it. Your brain isn't glitching but your mind still slides right off of it like oil on water. "Cuicatl saved me. I lost a lot of things about her, too. Most things. Lyra had a big crush on me. Kissed me, once, which is kind of how all of this got started. She traveled with Cuicatl for a while. I think they got along. Then I came back and only remember one of them, so she got mad and. It's complicated. She's gone now."
The doctor pulls up a notebook and scribbles something in it. "I see. And why did Lyra not like Cuicatl?"
"Uh, well, she's psychic and Lyra hates psychics. And… I have a crush on Cuicatl but not her. I kind of kissed her in her mind. I thought we were dating, she told me we weren't, but that felt like it would be nice if it were true even if it weren't. After everything. Having my own knight in shining armor and. I deserve to be happy, don't I?"
She makes a non-committal noise while jotting down a note. Are you wrong? Do you not deserve to be happy? "And how do you think Cuicatl feels about this?"
You put all of your attention onto putting Ferny. He rolls over and purrs while you scratch the inside of his big green ears. Why is she asking you this? "You know, right?"
"Yes. But I would like to hear your perspective on the matter."
Fine. "She said no," you mutter. "Well, kind of. She said that she wanted me to not be dependent on her first. And then she said that she wanted me in therapy. And." Wait. Oh. "…maybe she's just being nice? Like, stalling because she doesn't want to." A pit opens in your stomach and you can feel your emotions spiraling down, down, down. What if you are just annoying her? What if you drive her away? There would still be Lyra, but. Have you been messing this up the whole time?
"What are you thinking right now?"
"Just wondering if she secretly hates me."
"And what makes you think that she might?"
Her face is neutral. Damn it. She could just tell you. She knows, right? Is she leading you on because you're right? "I. She keeps giving excuses and. Maybe she just doesn't want it?" The last part comes out in a rush.
"It's possible to like someone, or at least not hate them, without wanting a romantic relationship with them right at this moment. Have you tried talking to her about it?"
"No. Just thought about it." And you probably won't talk to her about it because you aren't sure you could handle the answer.
"Hmm. I want to go back to something you mentioned earlier, about having a protector. Is that how you see her?"
"Kind of? Like. She's going to have a tyrantrum. And she was willing to fight for me. I feel safe around her."
You can't forget the image of her stepping out in front of you to fight the invaders, a whirlwind of sharpened thought swirling around her. It was probably the most anyone has ever done for you. And yeah. It makes you feel a way you don't entirely understand. Only part of the experience you can remember fondly.
"I see. Now, do you want her, the person, Cuicatl Ichtaca, or do you want to be safe?"
What. "Both, obviously."
"Then what do you like about her aside from the feeling of safety?"
That's easy enough now. Sure, you didn't have the answer three weeks ago. But. You've had time together. "She does a lot for the people she's closed to. Like, I know people joke about mothering their pets but it feels like she actually does that for Coco. And she helped me breathe for a month without much reason. Even risked her life. Plus, she helps me, Lyra, and Kekoa talk to our teams even though she doesn't have to. She knows a lot of things about dinosaurs and dragons even though it must be hard to read or learn things. She's also really passionate about the things she like. It's always kind of impressive and adorable. Oh! And she knows how to cook and sew well. Really cool she can do that at our age, blind. And Cuicatl's also willing to make friends with things that terrify most people. I think that's amazing since I'm bad at making friends with, like, normal people and she's out here hugging dragons. She's also kind of weird. In a good way! And she doesn't seem to care what people think about that. She also has really pretty hair and a nice smile and. Um. Is that too much?"
Dr. Livens shakes her head. She has a faint smile. Are you on the right track? Does Cuicatl feel the same way. "Young love," she says. "It never gets old to hear about. Even with all that said, do you think your problems would go away if you were dating her?"
"What? No. I mean. Some of them. Talking to my team. Loneliness. Being… attacked again. But I'd still need money and future plans or stuff. Although she could help with that."
"Alright. I just need you to temper your expectations of what being in a romantic relationship will and will not do. It's unfair to yourself and to her to see her as something other than human, as a protector from all evils and cure for all problems."
"I get that." You uncross your legs and Ferny grumbles. He shuts up when you resume petting him. "Being pressured into being something you're not. I don't want to do that to her."
"As long as you're aware of that."
June 1, 2020
Cuicatl comes down just as you're finishing breakfast. Coco plods beside her and acts as her service dinosaur. Cuicatl's wearing her hydreigon t-shirt that feels familiar, somehow, and a pair of jeans. It makes her look normal. Well, normal for a girl with green hair and vacant eyes. Not her usual loose, woven, and brightly-colored clothing.
Her eyes are a bit red. She's also awake later than you. That's rare.
"You okay?" you ask.
"Fine." Her reply is like the snapping jaws of an angry growlithe. It does nothing to assure you that she is, in fact, fine. "You wanted to talk to your team? We should get going."
"Don't you want breakfast? I heard your stomach growling last night."
"I'll be fine."
Coco lets out a sound between a long whine and a yawn. Cuicatl sighs angrily.
"Let me get her breakfast. Then I'm ready."
Coco's breakfast comes out of Shirona's meat storage room. You're not really entirely comfortable being in the same house as a carcass freezer, but Cuicatl's team need it. That's natural for them. You can… ignore it.
You don't pay attention to the tyrunt as she tears into the side of something that used to be alive, something that used to have a family and maybe goals and dreams. You don't pay attention when she cracks a bone between her jaws so loudly you can hear it through the glass door between you and the porch. Cuicatl sits down, arms tightly crossed and muscles tense.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No," she almost instantly replies.
She's being insistent. Usually, she defers to others. Or at least speaks with quiet pride. Not commands and short, sharp words. Something must be very wrong.
"This isn't about my team, is it? If you don't want to I can ask Shirona's lucario."
"It's not about that. You didn't do anything."
Then she admits that there is something wrong. You just aren't sure how to politely ask for more information.
"It's Ochpaniztli 17," she finally volunteers.
You have no idea what that means. "Is that a holiday?"
She just stares into the middle distance until Coco is done eating and knocks on the glass door with her snout. You ignore the bloody plate behind her and the red still dripping from her teeth. Cuicatl lets him in and puts her hand on his back.
"Hey. Um. You can get some more sleep or swim or something. My team and I will still be here later."
She nods faintly and then heads back to her bedroom without a word. And without eating anything. Is that exhaustion? There was a moment when you were locked in your room where you were too tired to eat and too hungry to sleep. Is this something like that?
Shirona and Kekoa are sitting on the beach when you go out.
"Good morning," the champion greets you. "Have you seen Cuicatl? We should probably work on her thesis."
"I did, but she was… off. Tired, kind of angry, didn't eat breakfast even though I know she was hungry. I asked about it but she'd only say it was the 17th of… I think October? Or the Aztec equivalent?"
"Nahua. They don't like Aztec," Shirona corrects.
Oh. Oh no. Have you been insulting her the entire time?
The champion pulls out your phone while you quietly panic. Does she hate you? Is she mad at you for that? You don't think you ever said it aloud, but she's psychic. She could hear it anyway. It fails unfair to judge you for that when you didn't even now.
"Not a holiday," Shirona says. "And the Nemontemi aren't until September."
"Nemontemi?" Kekoa asks.
"Don't ask her to go outside for five days."
"What?"
"Ask her about it later. I'm sorry, but I'm out of ideas."
Kekoa pushes his plate away from him and stands up. "We met her in October, right?"
"I think so?" The timing lines up with what you remember about the start of your journey. Not that any of that is reliable.
He grimaces. "I think I know. You can come if you want, Gen. You're better at the touchy-feely stuff and it might be needed here."
"Okay? What did you figure out, though?"
"Want to be sure before I go spilling her secrets."
Shirona stands as well. "Good idea. I'll be downstairs if you need me."
Kekoa knocks on the door after you go inside and ascend the staircase. No answer.
"Cuicatl, I know you want to sulk but we should really talk about it."
Again, no answer.
"I'm coming in. Sorry."
He opens the door. You very hesitantly follow.
Cuicatl is curled up on top of the blankets and holding Coco close to her chest. The dinosaur looks over at you when you enter. Cuicatl doesn't move. Noci slides in the doorway from behind you to gently nudge her trainer. She manages to elicit a soft, sobbing gasp. This feels wrong. To walk in on her crying. You hesitantly take a step backwards while Kekoa steps forward.
He stands still. And then Cuicatl erupts into louder sobbing for seemingly no reason. What? Did… telepathy? He'd said he didn't want to reveal any secrets.
Kekoa looks back and waves you in. "She said it's alright. Just close the door"
Okay? Well, clearly not everything is alright. Just alright for you to be here. That gives you the confidence to step into the room and push the door shut behind you.
"It's been a year since her brother died."
Oh shit.
You didn't even—the void in her mindscape where it felt like something else was supposed to be. Was that his spot? You've heard of psychic twins being weird, or even normal twins being kind of psychic, or something.
Kekoa very hesitantly approaches and sits down on the side of your side of the bed. You join him. Cuicatl doesn't move towards either of you as she continues to sob. He looks over to you, "Think you can get her some applesauce and water from downstairs? Call your shrink, too."
{Don't need it.} Cuicatl's mental voice is almost as robotic as Noci's. Entirely devoid of feeling or personality or life.
"Yes, she does."
You glance between the two of them, unsure what to do.
"Trust me, I've had my share of shitty anniversaries. I know what I'm talking about."
You reluctantly get up and start walking to the door. She probably does need food. Water, too, with how much she's crying. Kekoa's also known her for longer and he seems to know what he's doing.
Cuicatl doesn't tell you not to go. You take that as the second invitation to help. First, you walk to the lounge area and pull out your phone. You've only spoken to Dr. Livens three times. She seems kind and knowledgeable. She'd probably know what to do here. You call her. And reach a voicemail.
"You've reached the office of Valerie Livens. I'm away from the phone right now and will get back to you as soon as I can. If this is an emergency, please dial 9-1-1. Otherwise, leave a message after the beep."
"Hi, this is Genesis. Calling about Cuicatl. She, um. Her brother died a year ago today and she's not taking it well. Can you call me or her so we can, I don't know, do something? I'm sorry. I don't know much about therapy. Have a good day."
You sigh and put your phone back in your pocket. Could've gone better. Oh well. You can still get her sustenance. Shirona doesn't ask any questions when you ask where the applesauce is. You get her a bowl of it, two spoons (in case she drops one), and a big glass of water. Thankfully you don't glitch on your way up or down the stairs. That would've been awkward and painful without Noci around to catch you.
When you get back Cuicatl's sitting upright against the headboard with Coco in her lap and Noci hovering nearby. She's not actively crying, even if her eyes are still red. Progress. You set the food and water down on her bedstand.
{Water?} Cuicatl asks.
Right. Can't see. You guide one of her hands to it. She picks it up with both. For a moment you're afraid she'll drop it with how much her body is still shaking. After a long sip she sets it down on the table with no accidents.
{Thank you.}
"You going to eat anything?" Kekoa asks.
Cuicatl just lowers her head.
"Fine. I won't make you." Kekoa looks at you and flicks his head towards the spot where you were sitting earlier. You take the cue and sit back down. "Can you tell me about your brother? It used to help with my parents."
Cuicatl hugs herself tighter and nods so slightly that you can only make it out by the movement of her hair. {His name was Achcauhtli. I called him Achi. He was a head taller than I was and a lot stronger. He was one of the town's best tlachtli players. Did a few European sports, too. He was good in almost all of his classes. Sang well. It seemed like he was friends with most of the other kids, even though he was half-American. I… wasn't.}
Even in her homeland people were racist to her. That's really sad. You aren't sure if you should hug her, though. Kekoa said he brought you hear for touchy-feely stuff but she's only just started to open up again. You don't want to stop that early.
{He was going to go to get into college, go to the capitol, join the military, find honor. It…} She starts sobbing again. Maybe louder than ever. {…it should have been me.}
You don't think she's saying that she should've been the one to go to college.
Kekoa's mouth thins and he shakes his head. "He was going to leave your home and do important things, yeah?"
{Y-yes.} Even her mental voice is shaking now.
"And that's why he was more important than you?"
{Yes.} Now she's barely audible, even in your own mind.
"Why you should've died instead?"
She doesn't answer. Just hugs herself so tightly you're afraid she'll break her own ribs.
"Cuicatl. You know that you left your country, got on tv, earned a shit ton of money, and are being personally mentored by the second-best trainer in the world within a year, right? Do I have to explain that to you?"
Oh. Huh. You… hadn't put that together. From the look of shock on Cuicatl's face, neither had she.
"Tell me about your brother all you want. Don't put yourself down. Survivor's guilt, yeah, been there, done that. All bullshit. Don't do that to yourself in front of me."
That's way too blunt. You look at him and mouth 'she's grieving.' Because that was just too much, too fast. Just. Let her breathe. Seriously. Now you probably have to salvage that before someone starts yelling.
"Did you love him?"
"Yes," she whispers.
"Did he love you?"
"Yes."
"Do… you think he'd want you to eat something right now?"
She starts sobbing again. Shoot. What did you do this time?
{He never told me I wasn't fat.}
"What?" Why… why would she need to know that? She's barely more than skin and bones.
{My father told me I was. He knew that. He never told me I wasn't…}
You share a long, meaningful look with Kekoa. You thought your family was messed up. And it is. It really is. Like, not denying that. So is hers. Just in different ways. Or maybe the same. You don't know.
You don't like speaking of the dead, but it sounds like her brother might've been a bit… well, useless seems harsh. Abusive is wrong.
{He wasn't like that.}
Hard to tell who or what she was replying to.
{I just don't know why he didn't…}
"Let's set that aside," Kekoa says with a lot more tact than you were expecting. "Deal with that on a less shitty day. Or with your shrink or something. You aren't fat. I'm a jackass. I've been a jackass to you, specifically. I would've told you if you were. You aren't. Even if you were, applesauce won't kill you. Seriously. Just eat it. You'll feel better. Way too easy to feel bad, so you don't take care of yourself, so you feel worse, so you don't take care of yourself, and on and on and on during shitty anniversaries."
Cuicatl looks away from you and Kekoa. Towards her desk. It doesn't really mean anything since, blind, but you're choosing to think it means she's considering eating something. She slowly, hesitantly reaches towards her desk with a shaking hand. Noci helps by levitating the bowl to her. Neither you or Kekoa says anything as she eats a few bites. Which is actually kind of awkward. Um. Should you say anything? So it isn't just like you're staring?
Your phone rings and saves you. Dr. Livens. You put it on speaker.
"Hello, Genesis," she says. "I got your call. Is Cuicatl in any position to talk to me herself?"
"She's here. On speaker. So is Kekoa."
"I see. Do you think I could speak with her privately?"
Cuicatl lowers her spoon and swallows. "They can be here."
"If you're fine with it," Dr. Livens concedes. "Would you like to schedule an appointment today or tomorrow? I don't think Mix (?) Takeda would mind taking you to me and I have an opening at noon. Or we could do a phone appointment. I think in-person might be better, though, given your telepathy."
"I can come to you. If it's not a problem. For you or Lila."
"Good. I'll call Mix Takeda and set up arrangements. Then they'll call you."
"Okay…"
"See you at noon."
She hangs up after Cuicatl tells her goodbye. Well, at least she didn't fight that. Maybe things are looking up? Or at least not looking down as much. You really hate seeing her like this.
The two psychics disappear into a fragment of warped space.
Oliver steps forward and lays a webbed hand on your shoulder once they're. Genkei also stands at attention in the corner.
You relax a little. Cuicatl is with a professional now. That's good. You haven't lost a sibling, thank Xerneas, but you can't imagine how crushed you would be if Levi was dead. Let alone if you were psychic twins or something and he died.
"Someone really needs to kick her dad's ass," Kekoa mutters.
"I've been looking into it," Shirona says. Even though she doesn't even know why he needs his butt kicked. "He's surprisingly hard to find information on."
You can imagine it being hard to learn things about Anahuac. You've made some attempts to learn more about Cuicatl's culture and it all feels kind of offensive. Like it's made by people who haven't been there, heard a rumor, and hate them. They can't really murder people at birthday parties, right?
Kekoa plopped Cuicatl down on the couch for a dinosaur movie marathon. Cuicatl was quiet for the first movie before finally making a quip or two during the second. She was very annoyed by the third. Arguing with Kekoa over the movie for almost the full runtime of the fifth. It feels familiar. Like you've been here before. Shirona keeps to herself beyond sipping and sometimes making more tea in the corner. You aren't sure what to contribute so you just stay in Cuicatl's reach.
She falls asleep during the sixth and her head slides down onto your shoulder.
At the end of the day you help her up the stairs and into your room. She takes her time getting changed and showered. Not so long that you get worried. When she comes out she sits down on her side of the bed. Coco jumps up beside her. Noci stays hovering in the corner.
"Thank you for helping," she says. "It meant a lot."
You're tucked under the covers reading another book Shirona lent you. You set it down and pull yourself up into a seated position. "You've been helping me for the last month. Least I could do."
She looks over towards you. Well, to a point a few feet to your left. Close enough you get the intention. "You don't owe me for that."
"Maybe not. Still want to help you."
She sighs and looks back away. Her shoulder slump and she looks so, so small. "I don't know what you see in me. Thank you, I guess."
You can help with that. You tell her all the things you told Dr. Livens, maybe with a few more details because she needs to hear it, and by the end you're just gushing out words. You stop when you realize that you're talking about her appearance in a way that sounds like what it is. Oops. That. Too far. You're not flirting with a girl on the anniversary of her brother's death. Cuicatl inclines her head towards you. It's hard to see if she's blushing with her skin tone but she is smiling a little. Thank Xerneas she can't see how much you're blushing.
"You're sure you… want that? With me? You have options. Lyra has her life together and she'd be happy with you."
Are you doing this? Because it feels like you might be doing it and this isn't the worst decision you've ever made. This month. It's not your worst decision this month. Not that it's even close.
"I don't want her, though. I want you."
She looks back away. "…I'm not sure anyone ever has before."
"Their loss."
She swivels around on the bed so that she's properly facing you. She's smiling. Despite… today. And even if she shuts you down hard, you're glad you could make her smile. She doesn't do it enough. She deserves it. "I can't spend a month telling you not to make decisions with a messed-up brain and then make one today."
That's not a no. She's never told you no. She just wants to wait. And you're fine with that. She's a good friend. You wouldn't mind staying that way.
"I'll make up my mind tomorrow. Tonight, can we…" She takes a deep breath and shakes her head. "Can we cuddle? I want someone holding me. It's been… it's been a long time."
You're guessing it's been a year.
"Yeah, we can, um. You scoot closer to her in the bed and wrap her in a hug. She presses herself into you as tightly as she can. Like a komala clinging to her mom's back. Then she cries. At first it's just water on your pajamas, and then it's a full torrent of sound and water and snot.
Not how you'd pictured things going. You still hold her and whisper happy nonsense to her and let her exhaust herself. When she finally collapses you slip out of bed, change your shirt, and lie down next to her. You aren't entirely sure how to cuddle someone like this. Do you just… wrap an arm around her? You try that. It feels nice. Coco presses into the crook of her mother's leg. You let her sleep between two people who care for her. She never stirs.
You don't know how this is going to end. With her. With Lyra. With your team. You don't know what you want to do going forward or how you're going to do it. But right now, with Cuicatl next to you, it feels like things are going to be alright in the end.
In the morning, she says yes.