Curse of Ignorance Ch 7
The whole purpose of going to Gojo Satoru for information was in order to try to tip the scales. Was I going to run away, despite not being nearly prepared enough to handle curses in the wild? Or will I stay, despite the risk of becoming collateral damage to attempts on Gojo Satoru's life and the expectation that I will have to fight and kill other people?
Ultimately, I decided to stay. The main thing fueling this decision was sheer inertia, in addition to fear of the unknown. Everything else is really just rationalization after the fact. At my core, I'm a creature of habit. I like sticking to my quiet little routine. So, when Gojo Satoru says that there is a very low chance of another attack taking place while I'm nearby enough to suffer for it, I start thinking that maybe staying at the jujutsu school is not so bad after all. Sure, I'll be expected to dedicate my life to holding back the endless tide of curses, but that's a distant worry, something for future me to handle. I can always change my mind later, run away when I'm more powerful and experienced.
There's also the fear of the unknown. Sure, the jujutsu school doesn't seem as bad as I initially feared. The people here seem pretty nice, even. But is that just because I'm going along with what they want? If I go up to Juba-sensei and ask if I can quit being a jujutsu sorcerer, will he agree, or force me to fight anyway? Him and Shirawachi-sensei's decision to cover up the assassination attempt on Gojo Satoru as a "training accident" planted that seed of doubt. It reminded me of the fact that this whole jujutsu school business is actually pretty shady. There's no telling what they might resort to for the sake of upholding what they perceive to be their duty to protect the rest of humanity. Forcing children to fight against their will? Gotta crack a few eggs to make an omelet, or something like that. Would they actually do something like that? Maybe. And that "maybe" scares me, pushing me towards maintaining the pleasant status quo.
Well, mostly maintaining the status quo. Some of it has already been broken by my actions. Namely, the information I gave to Gojo Satoru. Now, I'll admit that my choice to pay him with information about the pandemic wasn't the most well thought out choice. But what's done is done, and now I have to deal with the consequences. Gojo Satoru has taken an interest in me. On multiple occasions, I've caught him staring at me, like he can figure out all of my secrets if he just looked hard enough. He makes no effort to hide his attention. When I catch him staring, he doesn't quickly avert his gaze like a normal person would. No, he just keeps on staring. With Gojo being so obvious about it, other people noticed his staring too, inevitably leading to them taking an interest in me too, albeit for different reasons. They want to know what makes me so special that Gojo Satoru has taken notice of me. I try to ignore it all, in the hopes that they all get bored of paying so much attention to me when I don't do anything interesting.
In addition to the sudden increase in scrutiny, there has been another change to my life. I decided to up my training. This whole assassination situation shoved the fact that I could die right into my face. Intellectually, I already knew this, but emotionally, I didn't feel this concern. For some reason, I just had the idea that it would all work out. Yes, jujutsu sorcerers get into life and death battles and run the risk of dying, but there's no way that I'll die, right? It's like how nobody expects to get cancer until they actually get cancer. That illusion was broken, resulting in my decision to train more, based on simple logic. Weak people die more than strong people. So, the goal should be to get stronger. In order to do that, I have to train more. It's as simple as that.
So, what am I doing in order to get stronger? Three things, actually. The first is pretty simple. Dedicating more time to hand signs. It's a multiplier to the power of all of my techniques as long as I dedicate the time to find the right sequence of hand signs. That's always going to be valuable. You can't have too much power, after all. Plus, hand signs are my unique advantage. No one else in my class is using them right now. I'm sure that they'll be taught in class eventually, because they're just that useful, but for now, it's just me. Getting stronger means capitalizing on your strengths and making up for your weaknesses. Hand signs are my unique strength right now, so I have to keep on pushing that strength.
Second, I've started learning chanting. It was something that I considered before and put off until now, partly because I didn't see the need when I had hand signs and partly because I didn't feel like slogging through another book that I was sure would be long-winded and boring. Now, though, I saw chanting as another method of boosting my strength that had the potential to synergize well with the hand signs that I already have. It was an advantage that I could not pass up. So, I went to the library in order to find a book on chanting. The book that I originally saw, "Chanting Throughout the Ages" or whatever, was gone. So, I was forced to search for a few hours before finding a small book called "Simple Guide to Chanting". Surprisingly enough, it wasn't that bad to read. Sure, it wasn't the best, but it was leagues better than the book on hand signs. That guy who wrote that is just too uniquely "skilled". Most of what I've read so far is just background on what chants are, what they do, and why they work, but I have high hopes for the future.
Lastly, I've started dedicating some time to working on my cursed energy control. The reasoning behind this is pretty simple. The basis of all jujutsu is the use of cursed energy to do things. If I get better at using cursed energy, then I can improve in all aspects of jujutsu sorcery. I've been training by pushing my limits in how quickly and how much I can direct, as well trying to become more flexible in how I use my cursed energy by trying to twist it into various novel shapes. The hope is that by doing this I can work towards casting both faster and more efficiently, as well as prepare myself for more advanced techniques, which will surely require more precise manipulation.
I kept up this new status quo for three weeks, before something new happened.
It was during the period of time when my class transitioned from the physical training part of the afternoon to the jujutsu sorcery part. The various Juba-senseis were calling out the names of various students, gathering groups of children that were around the same skill level.
I listened out for my own name, but didn't hear it. Instead, I felt a tap on my shoulder, causing me to jump at the unexpected contact. When I turned around to see who it was, I saw a Juba-sensei. He pointed over his shoulder with a jerk of his arm. "Gosho, you're with me. We're going this way."
He walked in the direction of one of the corners of the training field. Naturally, I followed along. Internally, though, I was feeling just a little bit uneasy. After all, this isn't how Juba-sensei usually does things. What would warrant this deviation from his normal methods?
When Juba-sensei reached a part of the training field that he deemed to be suitably far away from the other groups, he stopped and turned towards me. Seeing this, I stopped in place as well. It was just the two of us. My sense of unease grew. Juba-sensei doesn't usually do one-on-one training. Even with the ability to split into clones of himself, he apparently doesn't have the capacity for that many bodies. My only experience with having a Juba-sensei all to myself was on that first day of school, when I was put through an accelerated crash course on the various aspects of jujutsu sorcery and the culture that surrounds it. Whatever the reason for this was, it was either very urgent, or concerned me, and me only. I wasn't sure which of those possibilities I liked better.
Juba-sensei's gaze met my eyes with a serious expression on his face. "Gosho," he started, "It has been around a month since you have started to actively use cursed energy."
I was a bit shocked. Has it really been that long? I counted out the days in my head. If I first came to school on that day, and the date today is… since we're counting how long it's been since I've started using cursed energy, subtract two days…. He's right! It really has been a month!
Still, isn't this sort of a weird metric to use? If this was a typical, "It's been a while, how are you settling in?" type of conversation, wouldn't you be basing things off how long it's been since I first started school here? Why count based on when I started using cursed energy?
Either way, I nodded in agreement. He's not wrong, after all.
Juba-sensei then launched into a lecture. "It's been about a month since you've started using your cursed energy actively. Why do I care about this so much in particular? Why does it matter how long it has been since you've started using your cursed energy? Well, it has to do with how innate curse techniques work. Previously, I have told you that most sorcerers' cursed energy has a natural pattern to their flow, which makes up the innate curse technique. This is not the whole story. The truth is, one of the most important components of the innate curse technique is the brain. As a jujutsu sorcerer goes through their life, their cursed energy gradually engraves the pattern of the innate curse technique into the brain. A sorcerer can only make use of their innate curse technique once that technique is fully engraved into the brain. The time this engraving process takes depends on multiple factors, but the most important one is cursed energy usage. If you don't use cursed energy at all, just letting it accumulate and leak out of you passively, the engraving process is very slow. It is so slow, in fact, that it would take until one's teenage years for their innate curse technique to manifest. But, by using cursed energy, making it flow through your body constantly, we can make that process complete almost a hundred times faster. If a sorcerer were to use their cursed energy constantly, then that engraving process takes about a month on average."
My eyes widened involuntarily. Wait! Was he implying…. I felt excitement rising up in my chest.
Juba-sensei must have detected the excitement in my expression, because he smiled. "Yes, we're over here so you can try to use your innate curse technique for the first time." Juba-sensei's expression then turned severe. "I have to set a few ground rules, though. Because I have no way of predicting what your innate curse technique will be, we have to be cautious and mindful of safety above all else. As you attempt to use your innate curse technique, you will be facing away from the rest of the class, so you do not catch them in whatever technique you end up casting. Also, innate curse techniques usually come with a set of instincts for how the technique functions, a natural benefit of the technique being engraved into your brain. Before you decide to blindly follow your instincts, please consult me so I can give advice and know what you are doing. If you feel pain, discomfort, or any other unusual sensation, please stop immediately. Do you understand?"
That was my cue to respond. "Yes!" I cried out, followed by eager nodding.
Juba-sensei crossed his arms. "Okay, what were the rules that I just told you?"
"Aim away from the class, don't just blindly follow instincts, and stop if it feels weird!"
At that confirmation, Juba-sensei smiled again. "Alright, seems like you get it. Shall we get started then?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, I'll be walking you through the steps that will typically cause a jujutsu sorcerer to cast their innate curse technique. You might want to sit down for this."
At those words, I immediately spun so as to face away from both Juba-sensei and the class and sat myself down on the dirt.
"The first step is to send your cursed energy to your brain. Once you have cursed energy in your brain, I want you to hold it there. Let me know when you've completed this step, and then I'll tell you what comes next."
I did as I was told, closing my eyes and focusing on my cursed energy. From the whirlpool of cursed energy that I constantly maintain in my torso, I siphoned off a small blob of cursed energy, directing it upwards. A tingling sensation followed in the wake of my cursed energy blob as it ascended, until it finally settled inside my head.
I was afraid that nodding would jostle the cursed energy out of my head and that talking would take too much concentration, so I thrust out my hand in the form of a thumbs up in order to indicate that I was ready for the next step.
"Next, I want you to circulate that cursed energy through your brain."
Slowly, hesitantly, I directed the blob of cursed energy within my head to start moving. The cursed energy went forwards, through my brain, tracing the ceiling of my skull. When the cursed energy reached the point behind my forehead, I sent it down, past the eyes, past the nose, past my lips. From there, the cursed energy went backwards and slightly up, moving along my jaw and past it to where I thought my brain stem was. From there, it went up the back of my brain, until it was ready to complete the cycle again.
I had my cursed energy go through a couple more cycles before I felt confident enough to free up enough concentration to indicate that I was ready for the next step.
Juba-sensei, seeing my signal, spoke again. "Now, I want you to keep that cursed energy circulating. As you do, gradually loosen your control over it. Pay close attention to both the energy and yourself. Where does the cursed energy naturally want to go? How does it naturally want to behave? Are you feeling any strange urges? These are the things you should be thinking about."
As instructed, I gradually loosened my grip on my cursed energy. It was paradoxically hard, as I had to maintain enough control to keep the energy circulating, while giving up enough control to be able to feel the natural inclinations of my cursed energy. So hard, in fact, that I misjudged and gave up too much control, leading to the energy dissipating by a bit before I tightened my control once more. I went back and forth between too much control and too little control a few more times, diminishing the size of my cursed energy blob greatly, before I felt like I had found the tipping point. Any looser, and the cursed energy would definitely start dissipating again.
With my grip on my cursed energy as loose as it would go, I continued to circulate the energy through my head, paying close attention to both the energy and my current state, as Juba-sensei instructed.
I inspected the cursed energy first. As it went through its cyclical path through my head, it didn't seem like the cursed energy wanted to go anywhere specific. There were no moments where there is increased resistance against my control, or moments where moving the cursed energy is suddenly easier.
Trying to analyze the behavior of my cursed energy is much harder. My cursed energy naturally tries to resist my efforts to keep it in one cohesive blob, but how do I know if that's a sign for what my innate cursed technique could be, or if that's just how cursed energy is in general? Honestly, I don't know how Juba-sensei was thinking I should go about this, considering that the only reference point I have for how cursed energy works is the behavior of my own cursed energy. How am I supposed to know what is normal and what is unusual?
Lastly, I examined my own state. Giving my own body a mental once over, I didn't feel anything that unusual, just the soreness of my butt from sitting on the ground for an extended period of time and the tingling feeling of cursed energy moving around in my head.
I decided that I had enough mental capacity to relay these insights to Juba-sensei. "There's nothing weird with my body, I don't think. My cursed energy doesn't want to go anywhere, either. There's no sudden increase or decrease in the resistance against my control. As for the behavior of my cursed energy… I have no reference for what's normal and what's strange. Is it normal for your cursed energy to not want to stay together?"
"Yes, that's a normal behavior that all sorcerers experience," Juba-sensei replied. "Hmmm, are you sure that you relinquished as much control as you can?"
"Any more, and I won't be able to hold this cursed energy together," I confirmed.
"If that's the case…. You can stop circulating your cursed energy now, Gosho."
Hearing that, I gave my cursed energy new orders, instructing it to leave my brain and to follow my spine, until it reached the whirlpool of cursed energy I kept within my torso and merged with it. With that done, I opened my eyes, stood up, and stretched out my legs.
After waiting for me to finish getting sensation back into the lower half of my body, Juba-sensei addressed me. "Gosho. Based on what you have said, it's very likely that your innate curse technique has not fully engraved itself into your brain yet. There's no need to feel bad about yourself. The average time for the engraving process is just that, an average. Half of all sorcerers are just like you, and took longer than a month to exhibit their innate curse technique. Now, for the rest of today, you'll join that group." Juba-sensei pointed in order to indicate which group he was talking about. They were near the center of the training field and looked to be practicing their martial arts. "You have attained passable skill in cursed energy reinforcement, so it's about time that you start acclimating yourself to how that increase in power will affect your martial arts."
Juba-sensei then walked me over to the group, giving me some parting words before leaving me to that group's Juba-sensei. "We'll be testing for your innate curse technique weekly. It won't take as much time as today, though."