Boiled Lamb
~|o|~
"So get this, I'm going to say to 'er, I know I ain't the demon you wished for, but I WILL be!"
"That's so manly Clancy!"
"I am, ain't I? You need to have confidence when talking with women. My Ma will know she can depend on me!"
It was a while after he began trailing the demons, heading towards the fabled Owl House. They seemed to know where they were going, leading him out of Bonesborough and into the auburn forest towards the west. The familiarity they showed following the path through the trees implied this wasn't the first time they had conducted business with the Owl Lady Lambert reasoned. He mostly tuned out the bluster and chatter coming from his guides, choosing to spend the time going over his introduction in his head.
'Need to make the best first impression if we are to make a lasting partnership. How should I go about it?' He pondered. 'Perhaps the usual "Behold, the God of Death in the flesh!" spiel? Booming voice and flashing lights? Hmm, that might come on too strong though… but then again, the supposed "greatest witch of the isles" may respect that, put us on evening footing.' He hummed. 'I suppose… there's always the cute card… eh, rather not.'
"Hey, kid."
Lambert blinked and looked up. One of the tall demons, one with yellow scales that clashed with his dark blue suit. "Never actually asked, but what's your story? Why are you going after the Owl Lady?"
Lambert pursed his lips for a moment. "Something was… taken from me a long time ago. Something very dear to my heart."
"Oh." The demon blinked three eyelids. "So you got mugged?"
An axe with a chipped blade flashed in Lambert's mind. He tilted his head a little back and forth, then nodded. "In a manner of speaking."
"You think the Owl Lady has your stuff then?"
"No, but I hope she will be able to help me find out how to get them back."
"I getcha. Well don't worry, I'm sure we can get the info you need. I mean, after we're done with her and if she can even talk by that point, heh." The demon snorted.
Lambert looked up at him confused. "Wait, what do you mean by that?"
Before the demon could answer, the one leading from the front brought a claw to his lips and called for silence. "Shh! Everybody stay quiet! We don't want to wake it!" He hissed.
"Uhhh, wake what?" Lambert asked aloud, just to get another angry hush from the demon. The others immediately halted and quieted down. Lambert was equal parts bewildered and concerned at their looks of grim determination and bloodthirsty excitement, gripping their clubs and knives in anticipation.
They were starting to look like any one of the angry mobs in his cult's early history and he didn't like that.
"We're here boys…" The leading demon whispered, reaching out and pulling aside the brush to reveal a quaint, yet mysterious cottage on the side of the cliff. The large round stained glass window gleamed in the sun. A golden owl weather vane creaked on the roof.
Lambert's ears perked up, a smile growing on his face and a little wag of his tail. Despite its somewhat modest appearance, he could feel the ambient magic from where he stood. It came off in waves, curling and bending around the structure like a frond of wheat in the breeze.
There was no doubt in Lambert's mind, it was the elusive Owl House.
"That's the Owl House then? Never actually seen it myself." One of the demons asked.
"You're new, you weren't around when we tried last time."
"Heh, anyone else feelin' a little antsy?"
"Not me man, I was BORN ready!" The other demons chatted just to get another reprimanding hiss from the leader.
"Shut up, shut up!" He affixed them all with a scowl. "We need to stay quiet! We don't want to wake up that cursed house demon!"
Lambert cleared his throat and raised his hand. "Pardon me, but what's a house demon?"
The demons all regarded him as if he had asked a very stupid question.
"Are you kiddin' me? What do they teach up at the 'bow?" The leader muttered, rubbing his face. "It's a kind of demon that possesses and guards houses for its owner. They are as wild as they are dangerous. Right there!"
He pointed towards the cottage's door. A round, brown owl face was set in the wood.
Lambert's eyes flicked from it to the demon a couple times. "All I see is a door knocker." He deadpanned.
The lead demon chuckled darkly and shook his head. "Ohohoho you naive little rascal. It may look like a door ornament, but trust me, that thing packs a mean wallop!"
"So? There's five of us and only one of him! Let's go mug 'im!" The scaled demon said, eagerly smacking his club against his palm.
Lambert's eyes widened. "Wait, mug him? Why are we doing that? Aren't we just meeting with the Owl Lady?"
The demons laughed a little. "Look at him, such a kidder!"
"Yeah, meet, mug, same thing really!"
Lambert sputtered. "What are you-"
"But seriously, keep it down boys!" The leader chided, stifling his own laughter as they all turned their attention back towards the house. "We aren't going to mug 'im Bernard. The boss said he got a hold of a bargaining chip. We'll be getting our money with no fuss, plus interest! Better we sit 'ere and wait for 'em so we don't get squashed by…" He drifted off.
The long brown feathery tube was extended from the door knocker and planted in the ground.
"What the-"
"Hoot! What're we looking at?!" A high, jovial voice boomed right beside Lambert's head.
He and the demons all whirled around to see the face of the door knocker snacking out from the dirt on a long tube-like body, a big smile on its beak.
"Hoot!"
"AAAH! MUG 'IM!" The demons screeched, raising their weapons to smash it. Lambert yelped and rolled out of the brush and into the clearing as they all swung, all for naught as the supposed house demon shot back into the hole it made and they all hit dirt.
"Hey, you almost hit me!" Lambert barked, shaking his fist. He was promptly ignored as the demon's spread out and scanned the area in a panic, weapons held in tight grips.
"Where did it go?!"
"It's under the ground… it's under the Titan-damned ground!"
He was swiftly proven correct as ground beneath them rumbled and the owl creature burst out, towering over them!
"HOOdy fellas!" He cheered, twisting its long body to smack one of the demon's away with enough force for him to collide against a tree! "See? Get it? It's like saying Howdy, and Hooty, which is my name, at the exact same time! I'm a master of wordplay, hoot!"
The sword fingers demon rushed up quietly from behind, blades drawn. Without even looking, the so-called "Hooty" slammed backward, swatting the attacker like a fly.
"Aaaaanyway, thanks for showing up guys! I've been soooo bored after the forty-second game of tic-tac-toe with myself and I cheated and I was worried that no one was going to show up like Eda said, but here you are and now we get to plaaaaaay~!"
The remaining three demons bellowed in defiance, charging forward with clubs raised. Lambert proceeded to watch in disbelief as the owl thing wriggled and dodged their attacks with ease. He shot to the side, letting the eye demon's overhead swing pass, then slammed down on his head. The ground under him crumbled and the demon was buried up to his neck, where he sat dazed and eyes spinning.
"I'mma mug ya!" Scale demon roared, losing any element of surprise he possibly had as he charged, swinging wildly. The house demon wriggled this way and that, letting out small hoots of joy for a few seconds, before rushing forth and swiftly wrapping himself around the hoodlum over and over. In an instant, he had coiled around him like a snack about to eat its prey.
"Looks like someone is a little tied up, hoot! I'm hysterical!" Hooty laughed and with a loud SNAP, flicked his body like a spool. The thug's cries came out in scattered echoes as he spun away like a top. Shooting towards the forest, he smashed into a tree and fell down unconscious, at least Lambert hoped so.
"Now lets see…" Hooty hummed, bringing a coil to his chin in thought. "One, two, three, four…uhhhh, what comes after four?"
Behind him the leader demon crept up slowly on the tips of his pointy black dress shoes. He lifted his bat high.
"Oh, right!" Hooty said and shot back into his hole, just for the bat to hit the dirt.
The ground rumbled and BOOM! Hooty shot up right under the demon, whipped his head around and slammed against him in midair!
"HIGH FIVE!"
The demon was sent screaming overhead, flying over the cliff and into the boiling sea. A splash and a painful hiss followed.
"AHHHH! I'M COOKING! THEY GONNA SERVE ME WITH BUTTA!" The demon's frantic yelps echoed from below as he floundered to swim back to shore.
"And that's the ball game! Hoot!"
Lambert sat there on his butt, mouth hanging open. 'That demon wasn't kidding. This thing is no joke!'
"Alright! That's everything!" Hooty said. The bird tube turned and froze, looking right at Lambert with his black eyes opening wide.
Lambert's brow narrowed. He didn't like the look he was getting.
The owl thing lifted itself towards him. "Awww, you boys even brought me a nice little snack, you shouldn't have!" He cheered, then opened his beak. It stretched into a cavernous maw, impossibly wide and filled with a shadow as black as the void.
In an instant, the Red Crown melted and shifted into sword form in Lambert's hand as the little god got to his hooves and rolled to the left. The abyss called a mouth yawned wide with a rattled echo, slamming closed where he just sat. A quick spin and he delivered a spinning slash to the side of the house demon, but only cutting a narrow slice across a couple of its feathers.
Hooty blinked and glanced around. "Huh? Where'd you go Lunch?" A second of spinning around he eventually found Lambert. He frowned. "Hey! That's not very nice! You know how much product it takes to look this fabulous?" He asked, batting his eyes.
Lambert scowled, flicking his sword as his cape fluttered in the breeze. "I was hoping we could settle this peacefully, but I hate things trying to eat me!"
"Ooooh, I get it!" Hooty hummed, a wide smile stretching across his face. "You're not just a snack, you're another playmate! Sorry about this little guy, but Eda told me to pummel ANYONE who came too close! So let's have some fun, okaaaaay?" He said and surged towards the lamb.
Lambert tightened the grip on his sword and his eyes furrowed. "Just try it!" He leaned forward and began to sprint.
The two charged, closer and closer. Right as they were to meet, Hooty spun like a drill, complete with buzzing noises that he made with his mouth, shooting at Lambert like a spinning, feathered missile.
Lambert jumped up and over him, flipping and making a quick slash to the bird's back, only for the blade to glance off with barely a scratch.
'Hide's tough. This might not be easy.' He noted as he landed. Glancing back, his eyes widened and he fell on his back to avoid Hooty trying to closeline him with his neck. The owl followed through with his swing, going around, up and down, intent on flattening him. Lambert rolled left, the ground shuddering at Hooty's impact, leaving a small trench. Hooty lifted up and came back down again and again, forcing Lambert to keep rolling back and forth. After the third time and Hooty had lifted himself up once more, Lambert threw out his palm. A crimson fireball screamed and exploded against Hooty's underbelly, bathing him in flames and smoke.
"OWIE! HOTHOTHOTHOT!" He wailed and slammed himself on the dirt. "STOPDROPANDROLL!" He frantically tumbled along the ground in an effort to put out the flames. In his panic he rolled right at Lambert.
"Woah!" He yelped, leaping over once, but not fast enough to avoid Hooty on the return swing, the feathery rolling pin smacking his back and sending him sprawling across the field. Lambert came to a stop, arcing his spine. He reached back and hissed when he rubbed a sore spot. That was going to bruise later. He was having flashbacks to the times of facing down Leshy and his monstrous caterpillar brood. Except instead of those brush and gore covered monsters, this jolly owl-worm creature somehow had ten times the excited energy, more than the Bishop of Chaos himself! He could hardly fathom such a thing!
"Almost as durable too." He muttered, standing up and popping his aching back. Hooty had finally put out the demonic fire, shaking off the dirt and ash. Aside from some scorched feathers and a bruise from the fireball itself, he seemed more or less hale.
Lambert clicked his teeth. Looks like the crusader's blade wasn't going to cut it, literally or otherwise.
Hooty finished cleaning himself and returned his gaze in Lambert's direction. "Hoot, didn't your mom teach you not to play with fire? I'm sooo jealous! Eda never lets me play with fireworks. But she does let me play with rocks! NOM!"
Quizzically, he opened his maw and scooped out a pile of dirt. He chewed, cheeks bulging and reared back. "PWAH! PWAH! PWAH!" He spat out three huge wads of wet soil and large stones right at him.
"Time for something a little heavier." Lambert ordered and the crown complied, losing its form and shifting once more, the handle extended and the blade flattened either side.
The sky darkened as the earthen projectiles neared their target. Lambert wrapped his fists around the handle and the crown hardened into shape.
"HWAH!" Lambert swung with both hands as his double sided battle axe cleaved through the flying piles of dirt and granite, making it splash and scatter harmlessly around him.
"LOVETAP!" He didn't have a moment to breathe, quickly raising the axe's flat side in front of him as Hooty tried to headbutt him again. Beak and magic steel clashed together and Lambert was put on the backhoof, gritting his teeth as he was pushed across the clearing back towards the trees.
Pushing his advantage, Hooty pulled back and shot at him again and again in a flurry of rapid pecks. Lambert held the axe in a backwards too handed grip, using the axe's face to shield against each attack as it came. As much as he wanted to attack back, all he could do at the moment was defend himself, getting pushed back more with every hit he blocked.
Hooty reared back again. Lambert raised his axe.
But instead of another jab, Hooty planted his face into the earth right in front of him and in an instant, burrowed under and behind the crown wearing lamb. "HOOOOOT!" Hooty boomed, mouth open wide and coming down to swallow him in one gulp.
Lambert smirked. It almost worked. But he knew how to deal with worms.
Not wasting a second, he spun on his hoof and held up his axe. Hooty's jaws slammed down, but not shut as his mouth was stuck open with the weapon.
"AWK?!"
"You want to eat something? Swallow this!" Lambert smirked, another fireball already dancing in his palm. He threw it down into the depths of Hooty's gullet, illuminating the fleshy walls as it fell like an ember in a bottomless pit. Lambert gripped his axe and back flipped away.
Hooty's jaw's snapped shut and he blinked in confusion before a muffled boom echoed from his stomach, the sides of his torso ballooning. He shuddered and coughed in pain, belching black plumes of smoke.
Meanwhile, Lambert deftly landed in a crouch and raced back to his foe, axe shining behind him.
Hooty paused in his coughing and looked up. "Hoot?!"
Lambert roared and swung, the axe finally biting into the house demon's hide and knocking him backwards from the weight. Hooty squawked and wailed as the small god swung again and again. Pulling the axe back one last time, Lambert did a small twirl and threw it. The blade spun like a disk, whistling through the air and slashing across the owl's chest as it passed by. A second later and against the laws of physic, it pivoted and came flying right back.
Hooty, dazed and beaten, blurringly looked up. Just in time for the axe to smack against the side of his. With one final scream, the guardian of the owl house toppled and collapsed on the ground.
Lambert raised his hand and the axe smacked into his palm. Giving it a flourish, it melted down and crawled back up his arm and head and became the Red Crown once more.
"Mama, I dun wanna go to school, hooooooooooooooooot…" Hooty wheezed.
"Despite trying to eat me, you fought well, I'll give you that." Lambert admitted.
"Holy Titan…" He looked back to see one of the demons, the one still buried, gaping wide. "You took down the Owl Lady's house demon all by yourself. With you on our side, we're definitely going to get our money from that broad!"
Lambert scowled. "I'm not mugging the Owl Lady, I'm looking for her help!"
The demon scoffed. "Suuuure, and you beat up her house demon because you wanna get on her good side."
Lambert stamped his hoof. "That was self defense, he was going to eat me!"
"Hooty!" A new voice cried out and Lambert stiffened.
A flap of wings and he looked up to see two figures descend from the sky on an owl tipped staff, landing near the house.
One was a young girl, the sight of which made Lambert's skin crawl. He didn't get why. She didn't appear very imposing, with her soft, light brown skin and darker hair, white and purple shirt and short blue pants and white shoes. For all intents and purposes she was just an adolescent… whatever she was, but something about her set him on edge, even more than any similar witches he had seen so far. She was staring at him in horror for some reason.
And the other, the one in front-
"Ohhhhh… gooseberries." He quavered. It was the Owl Lady, just as the poster described. And her golden eyes were narrowed as if she wanted to kill him on the spot. For all he knew, that was an actual spell around here.
Sweat trickled down his forehead as he glanced at the beaten house demon at his feet.
Looking back at the Owl Lady, he shrugged, holding his hands out placatingly with a shaky smile. "It's… not what it looks like?"
The witch's scowl snarl deepened. "Cute."
She flicked her wrist, a spell circle flashed and Lambert's vision went white.