Chapter LXXVI

Craving

TW: Eating Disorder

I wait until nightfall to sleep. With my mental torment and growing boredom, I stop sulking to ask Naruto for my book. Fortunately, he doesn't hesitate to climb on top of me to hold it up in front of my eyes. I'm more and more uncomfortable because of my prolonged inaction. I want to change position, stretch my stiff legs, move my arms and wash myself alone. I'm tired of constantly being on my back and relying on the catheter. Additionally, the itching in my fingers has become a real torment.

Normally, I would still be unconscious, slowly regaining consciousness. My paralysis, which is gradually easing, convinces me of this. For unknown reasons, I woke up shortly after my brush with death, and Lady Tsunade can't find the slightest explanation for this unbelievable phenomenon. It's simply impossible, especially for someone like me. There are too many strange things happening with my body. I'm worried, and that's an understatement.

Once night falls, Naruto begins to squirm in place, visibly uncomfortable. I can easily guess why. He stayed at my bedside all day. As a result, he held back during all this time. It makes Sakura's words resurface in my head. If I don't do anything, he will relieve himself in a corner like an ill-bred brat…

With great misery, I point my finger at the bathroom. This simple gesture is exhausting; my finger is seized with incessant tremors. Fortunately, it's enough for him to go investigate. Peeking inside, his black tail flutters. However, he hesitates, scanning the room with his little anguished eyes. He's probably stressed about leaving me alone. All in all, he finally ends up entering to relieve himself … and the door is wide open. So I hear everything…

Suddenly, my stomach rumbles like thunder; my insides twist in all directions, as if they were pieces of wet rags being wrung out mercilessly. Pain hits me out of nowhere like a violent punch. I grit my teeth as I hold my breath. One of my fears is happening. I suffer from a food craving, and the crisis is barely tolerable; it gets worse every second. I'm about to be bitten by Naruto, and now I don't care. A single toxic thought occupies my beleaguered head.

I'm starving.

I want to eat.

I must eat.

I'm unable to fight this overwhelming urge. I try to move around, get up to find anything to eat. Alas, my body refuses to obey me. I'm nailed to this bed, which suffocates me with invisible restraints. The obsession is such that I completely forget about the excruciating itching that I can't soothe. Apart from whining and complaining, there's nothing I can do. I've sunk into a hell that is only just beginning. The only remedy for this illness that tortures me is food, food that is terribly far away and out of reach of my useless limbs.

At the same time, the blond hurries back. He panics and barely breathes; his wheezing is jerky. He gently caresses my silver hair, dives his eyes into mine, probes it in order to understand what's happening to me. Without realizing it, my hand miserably seeks Naruto's, who hastens to offer it to me.

"I'm so … hungry, Naruto… I'm in pain… I want to eat … anything would do," I whine.

My student looks excruciatingly serious. He understood me very well and understands that my situation is serious—rather, the severity of my whim. He raises his head, closing his eyes, now motionless. His nostrils waggle. He sniffs, inspects the surroundings with his nose in search of food. After this olfactory analysis, he licks my forehead…

Reluctantly, Naruto pulls away. Excitement builds within me. He opens the door ajar and looks from right to left. Even though he wants to stay at my bedside so as not to leave me alone, he wants to help me by finding me something to eat, despite his fear of the hospital. He's willing to overcome his fears for me. Without the slightest sound, he uses his chakra to climb on all fours on the wall. He walks through the door upside down, on the ceiling, then disappears completely from my vision as he closes the door behind him.

Silence is king … somewhat, since it's quickly broken by the noises made by my stomach in distress.

"Please hurry," I whisper futilely.

The twinges tear me in two, and the duration between two attacks gradually shortens. Twists are vicious stabs. I can't even squirm in pain, rolling onto my side, begging for this new posture to ease my suffering. My breath is chaotic. In my helplessness, I try to get out of this damn bed, but I am firmly tied down. This fatal bed keeps me hostage; It's determined to be my coffin.

In my growing madness, I feel like I hear a voice whispering words that don't exist in my head; to believe that my plea to eat is repeated in an echo, which is projected into another unknown language that I manage to understand. My body is weird, as if there's something just under my skin. I feel hot and cold at the same time. My thoughts become confused, collide with others that I don't recognize.

Hunger grows unparalleled frustration that poisons me with nameless anger. My wheezing can't bring air in my lungs. I'm no longer capable of reason. I want to scream, to make my distraught voice capture the tranquility of the darkness to destroy it forever.

I manage to calm down and catch my breath when the attack stops. I'm upset beyond comprehension. I'm drenched in my own sweat. I'm not in a condition to eat and I don't care. I usually wolf down everything I can get my hands on until I'm sick to suppress the craving. If I can't satisfy its insatiable requests, it devours me, so much so that I go completely crazy.

I don't know how much time has passed since Naruto left who knows where. Every second is minutes that turn into hours. After another attack that leaves me groaning in despair, I hold my breath as I see the door open in eerie silence. I frown since there's no one on the other side. Am I experiencing hallucinations now...?

The sapphire-eyed boy enters upside down, on his four limbs, which stick to the ceiling with the help of his claws and chakra. He uses the tip of his prehensile tail to carefully close the door and comes to my side, while remaining on the ceiling. It's at this moment that I see some fruits that he's holding with his tail. Immediately, my eye is overwhelmed by them, staring at them like a hungry predator that is hypnotized by their gustatory spell.

Naruto jumps up and lands gracefully on the ground. He hastens to place his findings on the sheets, which consist of three apples. He shoves his hands into his pockets and takes out some tangerines that he also collected. I'm getting way too much excited. I fight against the paralysis to catch these defenceless fruits, to tear them with my teeth and swallow them without shame. They're so close, a few millimetres from me… But my hands can't reach them; They barely move, and it frustrates me like never before.

I want them.

I want all.

NOW.

The blond grabs one of the tangerines, which I stare at without blinking. However, he peels the fruit excruciatingly slowly. I get angry as an attack declares itself with a war drum … and I am this war drum against which it beats mercilessly.

"I don't give a shit about the peel! Feed me!" I grumble impatiently, a hair's breadth from starting to growl.

Naruto arches his back and jumps; at that, my terribly piercing gaze forces him to hold his breath. Without realizing it, I've become a wild white wolf baring its fangs, ready to bite for the taste of iron in its mouth. At this point, I honestly don't care if my face is seen. This frenzy has gotten the better of me, preventing me from thinking about anything else except feeding myself… I mean, being fed since my damn arms refuse to obey me.

Naruto sinks his claws into the tangerine and tears it in two, revealing its delicious orange flesh dripping with exquisite juice. Its enticing aromas sneak into my nose; I salivate like a dog, and I try to get up on my own to catch it with my teeth … in vain.

Nervously, Naruto pinches the fabric of my mask above my nose, but he hesitates. He swallows and turns his head so as not to have me in his field of vision. He lowers my mask without looking. Thus, he respects my boundaries. However, in my current madness, I'm only concerned with this food offering so close and so inviting…

He tears off a slice and brings it closer to me. I grab it with my teeth as soon as I can reach it. Its acidic and sweet juice stings my tongue in full ecstasy. I barely chew to hurry to swallow it and therefore, satisfy my stomach. I'm so hungry it's a gourmet dish. Plus, the peel doesn't even bother me—on the contrary, it fills the awful void in my stomach even more.

"More!" I immediately order as excitement soars at the thought of grinding the next piece.

Naruto kindly continues to feed me while respecting my privacy, one piece at a time, which I devour in less than a few seconds before asking for the next one. The pains caused by this craving are soothed after each offering; the noisy war drum transforms into silent percussion. My mind becomes lucid again, although it's still sabotaged by the unbearable desire to eat, again and again. I'm very far from being satisfied. My stomach is a bottomless void in which everything disappears like an unfillable black hole. After Naruto gives me the last slice, my stomach starts to make disturbing, gurgling noises. It grumbles; a warning that it wants to spit it all out. Despite these warnings, I demand the next fruit without the slightest hesitation.

However, Naruto suddenly turns his head and his hair stands on end. Staring at the entrance with anxious eyes, he cautiously feels my face and pulls my mask back. Once done, he removes the blanket, hides his finds there, laying them against my motionless body. Then he covers me with the blanket again.

I understand that he "pilfered" them, and that he doesn't want to be caught red-handed. Obviously, I can't say anything. Otherwise, I will upset him and betray his trust; I'm willing to bet he expects me to remain silent—something I intend to do. After all, if he hadn't collected them for me, I would have gone mad and my stomach would have torn apart, spilling its acidic contents into my abdomen…

I'm still extremely hungry, and I wanna keep eating…

That said, my craving is tolerable, as long as it doesn't get worse.

Naruto wisely sits back on the stool as the door to my room opens. To my great surprise, I recognize Lady Tsunade instead of Sakura. I'm a little nervous. Since my condemnation to this bed, pessimism has been lurking in the corner of my mind. Because of Sakura's silence today, I'm expecting bad news.

"You're still up?" She wonders, coming to my bedside. "You're supposed to be sleeping, Kakashi."

"… So… Sorry, Lord Hokage. I was gonna ask him shortly."

Her hazel eyes focus on my student's forearms. This makes him uncomfortable since he hides his arms in the long, big sleeves. I notice that the redness of the scratches has diminished; not much, sure, but enough to make a difference. He maybe threw up after devouring Shikamaru's chakra, but his body is back into action. I'm relieved that Shikamaru's ordeal wasn't in vain.

"Sakura told me that he wanted to produce more venom before putting you to sleep, is that right?"

"Yes."

"It won't hurt your arms. They're in a bad state. You're lucky not to have any after-effects. With so many bites this deep, it's a miracle." She places a hand on my forehead to take my temperature. It makes Naruto hisses, not at all happy about her touching me.

"You have a high fever," she notes, frowning. "How do you feel?"

My throat tightens. I can't bring myself to tell her why. I guess it's my craving that's to blame; it's still there, plunging me into discomfort like an urge to relieve myself. Since it makes me sick, it must be the cause of my fever…

"Good...?" I lie.

Lady Tsunade glares at me. "As soon as you wake up, you better get out of this genjutsu, Kakashi. I won't tolerate any negotiations or whims from you. If you feel good with a fever of thirty-nine degree Celsius, there's a problem."

There's definitely a problem, yet I can't speak. I'm as silent as Naruto on this subject. I have to speak out about these bulimic behaviours and these worrying cravings. I know it, but I just can't do it. Unfortunately, my silence comes with a consequence, that of letting go of Naruto's genjutsu. It's the only painkiller that can give me relief; I sincerely fear the return of the agonizing pain.

"Understood…" I agree reluctantly, sighing.

"Can you move?"

"A little," I say, moving my hand gently.

"Good. You can return to a liquid or solid diet by tomorrow, as soon as you can stand up and move your arms. We'll prepare suitable meals to help you gain weight and resolve your difficulty eating. Your weight loss is delaying your recovery."

"I know. I don't know what makes me lose my appetite."

"If you had told me about this instead of keeping everything to yourself, you wouldn't be in such a sorry state," she lectures me sternly, crossing her arms. "Since you have to feed Naruto with your chakra, your health is a priority."

Ashamed, I avoid her gaze. Having nothing good to say, I remain silent. Her harsh words pierce me violently. I can only agree with her. I put myself in this deplorable condition all alone. It bothers me to talk about it, to say that I suffer from an eating disorder. However, they know now. I just hope they can break down my blockage so I can eat again like I used to. I need to get back to my healthy weight; even my muscles atrophied by inaction are starting to die down…

"Naruto, make him sleep," Lady Tsunade orders, turning on her heel to leave the room.

I let out a sigh. I ask Naruto to poison me, to exhaust his venom to the last drop. After putting to sleep my skin with his mutated tongue, he sinks his fangs into my flesh, and an ember heat travels throughout my being. Fatigue possesses me and all my misfortunes fade away.

Hunger disappears.

My torments too.

I fall into sleep.