JENNIE
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Everything I'd done to keep my worlds separate unraveled as the two collided. Panic surged through me. Memories of the months after the crash and Chan's toxic presence sucked the breath from my lungs. Fear made my knees weak.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, terrified the lies I'd fed Lisa would be exposed.
"I did warn you." He held up a manila envelope.
"You're subpoenaing me?"
"That's a stupid question, Jennie. I told you I would," Chan replied. He would do anything in his power to ruin the good things in my life, including what I'd found with Lisa.
"Don't talk to her like that," Lisa snapped and looked to me. "Who is this prick?"
"Your choice of company is rather lacking," Chan said to me as he gestured at Lisa.
"I'm right here, motherfucker. If you have something to say, you say it to me." Lisa took a defensive stance, angling her body toward Chan.
If it had been anyone else, I would have appreciated the protective impulse, but with Chan it revealed too much about my relationship with Lisa. I inched closer to the door, hoping to act as a physical barrier between the two of them.
"I'm on my way out. Now isn't a good time," I said weakly.
"Oh, that's quite obvious. However, I'm not leaving. I told you what would happen if the paperwork wasn't returned." His sharp tone changed, reflecting cold calculation as he graced me with a frosty smile. "You're not being very hospitable. I've been driving for six hours. The least you could do is invite me in." He addressed Lisa, fake civility in place. "Jennie seems to have forgotten her manners. I'm Chan—"
"Please don't," I pleaded.
"—Jennie's brother-in-law, for all intents and purposes," he finished.
The floor dropped out from under me. The foundation of my new life turned to rubble with one simple truth.
Lisa's brow creased. "You didn't tell me you had a sister."
"She doesn't," Chan supplied.
I hated Chan more than anyone in that moment, even more than myself.
The color drained from Lisa's face, confusion replaced by dismayed understanding.
"I was going to tell you," I whispered.
"Oh, for chrissake," Chan said through a burst of incredulous laughter. "Are you fucking this degenerate? And you didn't tell her about Kai? Do you have any idea what you're doing?"
"Shut the fuck up," Lisa said through clenched teeth.
She sought to move me out of the way, gunning for Chan, her body tight with rage. I resisted, hands on Lisa's chest, worried she would rip Chan apart and end up in cuffs. Chan would never win a physical fight with Lisa, but he had the kind of connections that would make Lisa's life miserable if Lisa laid a finger on him.
Chan was implacable in the way he dealt with others, and he was almost impossible to rile. I'd known him my entire life; he was aware of all my shortcomings. And he knew better than anyone how to cut me off at the knees.
"Lisa, don't. I'm sorry. This isn't how I wanted you to know."
She stepped back, out of my reach. "Why were you on that plane?" she asked, disconcertingly calm.
"For a wedding," I whispered.
"Yours?"
"Yes."
Lisa closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and when she opened them again, they were cold. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?"
"Please try and understand, you never would have agreed to the tattoo—"
"The tattoo? That's what this is about? The fucking tattoo?" Her anger flared. "You can't be serious. After everything we've been through, after tonight, that's the reason you didn't tell me you lost your fucking fiancé? Because I wouldn't have agreed to the ink?"
"That's not . . ." I hesitated, not wanting to have such a private conversation in front of Chan. "I didn't want you to see me differently." I gave her the words I used not so long ago, when she found out about the accident. It was a facet of the truth. At the time I didn't want to own how I felt about Lisa because the guilt was too consuming. I realized now it wasn't going to go away. I was kidding myself tonight thinking I could accept the way I felt about her. It would always be like this; me wanting a person I could never truly have. I would never be whole.
She barked out a laugh. "You're supposed to be married, Jennie. And from the look of this guy"—she pointed at Chan—"he was pretty straightlaced. How I see you is the least of your issues."
"As moving as this whole thing is, I don't have time for the drama. You need to go," Chan said to Lisa as he checked his watch.
Lisa's head turned slowly in Chan's direction. "Are you still here? You know, you're really starting to piss me off."
"I can't believe you've traded Kai for this," Chan said with a disgusted glare. "Are you happy shitting all over his memory? Did you think it would be fun to see how the other half lives? Slum it for a while? Or are you punishing yourself? That's something you would do, isn't it?"
"Why are you letting this asshole talk to you like this?" Lisa asked, her voice raised.
I couldn't process it all. Chan's arrival, legal papers in hand, Lisa finding out about Kai—it was too much. I didn't deserve her. I didn't deserve anyone. My dreams had become a premonition; I was too broken to be loved. I could never give her all of me.
"I didn't want to hurt anymore." All the words suddenly jammed in my throat.
"That's it? That's all you have to say?" Lisa asked, appalled.
She took a step closer until we were almost touching. Her hurt and anger enveloped me. It felt like razor blades were serrating me from the inside.
"You should go," I whispered.
"Jennie, look at me."
I shook my head, eyes trained on the floor. Her finger came up under my chin. Misery ripped through me as I realized this would probably be the last time she touched me. I took a deep breath as she lifted my head. She searched my face for something, some sign that I was still there with her. But I shut down, returning to the numb state I was in when I first arrived in Chicago.
"He's right, isn't he? I'm your punishment."
Remorse kept me tongue-tied.
Her thumb brushed along my jaw. "It was never about the tattoo. Not for me." Her hand dropped.
When she turned and walked out the door, my whole world caved in again. The agony her departure unleashed took me down. It was so familiar and yet so different this time. I sank to the floor. I watched Chan's feet cross the threshold into the room, and the door closed behind him. The lock slid into place and he stood before me. I was lost in grief and guilt. I didn't have the energy left to fight.
"Always so dramatic," he sighed. He set his briefcase down and knelt in front of me. Taking my chin in his hand, he forced my head up. "Look at you, such a mess. What did you think running away would accomplish?"
"I hate you," I whispered, on the brink of tears. I didn't want to lose it in front of him. It was his favorite kind of ammunition to use against me.
"Maybe right now you do, but when you're back home and thinking clearly, you'll thank me." He let go but stayed where he was.
I should have signed over the house when he'd asked in the first place; I'd have been free of him now if I had. "Why are you doing this?"
"Why?" Chan asked in a low, angry hiss. "You took everyone from me. And then, after everything I did for you, you left, you ungrateful—" He stopped and righted himself. "I'm going to pack you a bag and you're going to come home. When you've signed over the house, you'll be free to do as you please. Even if that means running back here to that degenerate loser you've been letting fuck you for God knows how long."
"Lisa's not a degenerate." I struggled to my feet.
My limbs felt loose, uncoordinated, my body detached from my mind. Chan stared down at me with absolute loathing.
"Don't defend her to me. You are defiling yourself, and for what? Some deviant who enjoys corrupting you until you're no longer fun to play with?"
He dragged me to the bedroom by my arm, depositing me roughly on the bed. He was good at isolating my fears and gouging wounds in my self-esteem. Chan opened my closet door and found a suitcase. I pushed up off the mattress and elbowed him out of the way.
"I can't leave. I have classes to teach," I said, wondering how far he would push this.
"I've already taken care of that. I spoke to the dean of your program and your advisor on Friday." Chan headed for my dresser.
"You did what?"
"You'd be amazed at what a little legal paperwork can accomplish. Your advisor seemed very understanding. We spoke at length. He expressed concern over whether or not you were mentally prepared to endure the rigors of the program." Chan smiled derisively and reached for the top drawer. His audacity knew no bounds. "He seemed rather adamant about keeping you under his advisement. Tell me, Jennie, what exactly is your relationship with your advisor?"
"Who do you think you are, interfering in my life like that?"
Chan turned to look at me, eyes burning with anger. "I'm the person who made sure you were taken care of."
"You consider shoving pills down my throat and keeping me medicated to the point of unconsciousness care?" I asked bitterly.
It was bad enough Chan had come unannounced, treated Lisa like trash, and threatened me with a subpoena. That he'd contacted my advisor and the dean of my program was such an inexcusable invasion of privacy that I didn't want his hands on my things.
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Yes. You are. The memorial service is barely more than a week away. You will be there."
I felt like I'd been backhanded. "Memorial service?" The reality I hadn't wanted to face came anyway. The anniversary of the crash was only days away.
"Yes, Jennie, they're meant to commemorate the dead," he said contemptuously. "Why do you look so shocked? Haven't you listened to any of my messages? Christ, you really are a selfish little bitch."
He yanked open the drawer with such force that it came free of the dresser, the contents spilling all over the floor. He fisted a pile of colorful underwear, rifling through them until he held up a black silk and rhinestone-dotted thong at the end of his finger.
"You give off quite the illusion of innocence, don't you?"
I snatched them out of his hand. "My choice of underwear is none of your business."
"Consider it my concern over who you choose to wear it for."
"Also none of your business." I crouched down and gathered up spilled items, shoving them back into the drawer. There was no point in fighting Chan. I had to go back to Arden Hills, if not to sign over the house then at least for the memorial service. It sickened me to think I'd been so wrapped up in my new life that I'd forgotten all the people I'd lost.
I went back to my closet and pulled clothes off hangers, paying little mind to what I was tossing in my suitcase. When my bag was packed, Chan grabbed it from me and hefted it to the bathroom. Setting the suitcase on the vanity, he opened the cabinet over the sink and swept his hand across the top row, pill bottles raining into the bag. He did the same with the second shelf.
"Anything else you need now that we have the most important things?" he asked, condescension thick.
"I need a few toiletries." I'd packed the bare necessities for my proposed sleepover at Lisa's. I wished we'd stayed in her bed. Then I wouldn't have been here, facing Chan and a past I'd tried to leave behind.
Chan stepped aside, glancing impatiently at his watch as I went about gathering essentials. I wondered if he was worried about Lisa coming back. The selfish part of me wanted her to.
TK meowed at my feet, fur puffed out; her anxiety level matched mine. When I picked her up, her nails dug into my arm, and she hissed at Chan. He gave her a contemptuous scowl.
"TK has to come with me. I can't leave her here alone," I said.
"Absolutely not. I'm allergic. That thing is not coming in my car."
"I'll drive myself."
"You're not getting behind the wheel. You're barely keeping it together as it is. The last thing I need is for you to cause an accident and end up dead as well." Chan zipped up my bag and lifted it from the vanity. "You'll have to leave her here and figure it out later. Maybe your degenerate will take the thing."
There was a knock at the door. We froze and looked at each other, Chan assessing my next move and me deciding if I could make it to the door before he stopped me. He was at a distinct disadvantage, since he was holding the suitcase. I sprinted down the hall with TK still cradled in my arm. I skidded across the floor, putting my hand out to stop me from hitting the wall. Chan had abandoned the suitcase and was on my heels. I turned the lock and threw the door open in time for it to connect with his face.
He cursed and covered his nose. Whatever his plan had been, he'd failed this time. I almost smiled.
There was a moment of disappointment when it registered that it was Jisoo standing in my doorway and not Lisa. But it was better this way. If Lisa came back, I ran the risk of not being able to leave her.
"Jennie! Thank God! What the hell is going on? Jackson and I were out and he got a call from—" She stopped short when she saw Chan standing behind me, holding his nose.
He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, like we were still living in the '50s, and dabbed under his nose. "Jennie's leaving. She doesn't have time to talk."
Jisoo bristled. "Who are you?"
"I'm her brother-in-law. If you don't mind, we need to be on our way." He thrust my purse at me.
"Where are you going? What's this about?" Jisoo asked uneasily.
When Chan made to move into the doorway, I put my hand up. "Give me a minute, please."
"We don't—"
"Give me a goddamn minute to deal with my life!" I yelled.
"Watch your fucking mouth," he snapped, but he turned and strode down the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door behind him.
"I don't have a lot of time," I told Jisoo in a rushed whisper.
"Where are you going? What's going on? Lisa called Jack, freaking out."
"Is Jackson with her?"
"He just went to Lisa's. Can you please tell me what's happening?"
"Chan's subpoenaed me, and Lisa found out about Kai."
"Oh shit," Jisoo breathed, "that's not good."
I nodded in agreement.
"But where are you going?"
"Back to Arden Hills. I need to take care of things, and now that Lisa knows . . ." I trailed off. "It's better this way."
"What? Why? Jennie, you're not making any sense."
"It's not fair. I can't be enough for her."
"According to who? That asshole?" Jisoo motioned to the closed bathroom door.
She couldn't understand, and I wasn't capable of explaining. "I have to deal with the estate. If I don't, Chan's going to contest Kai's will."
"So let him contest it. You don't have to go back there. We'll be here to help you fight it," Jisoo reasoned.
"It's not that simple. Chan won't stop until he gets what he wants, and in the meantime I'm stagnating. Besides, the anniversary of the crash is in less than a week. There's a memorial service. I have to go, Jisoo. I can't escape my past, and as much as I want to be with Lisa . . . I'm no good for her. Not like this. Maybe not ever."
The bathroom door swung open. "It's time to go," Chan barked, his nose no longer bleeding.
I passed TK to Jisoo. "Can you take care of her? I don't know when I'll be back."
"Jennie, I don't think—"
"Please tell Lisa I'm sorry."
I pressed my apartment key into Jisoo's palm, wishing things were different. I hugged her hard and then Chan was tugging on my arm, ushering me down the hall. When we got to his car, he corralled me into the passenger seat. Chan slid into the driver's seat, put the car in gear, and gunned the engine.
My heart was splintering into a million pieces as we passed the backlit sign of Inked Armor. Chan turned right, carrying us away from my home and back to the prison I'd been so desperate to escape. The adrenaline drained out of me, replaced by paralyzing hopelessness. I'd lost everything I loved all over again.
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