"Child support? Fuck you mean, child support?! I'll put you on life support, bitch! Don't play with me!" Leonardo looked at his phone to see she'd hung up. "Shit!"
"What's yo beef, nigga," Raphael asked, rolling a joint.
"My baby mama say she put me on child support!" Leo exclaimed. "Damn! You treat a girl nice, tell her she beautiful, love her, kiss her, fuck her, then she dump your ass to the street!"
"I feel you, bruh," Raph replied, sitting on one of the ratty-ass beanbag chairs the brothers got from Goodwill. "My girl got twenty niggas knocking at her crib daily, beggin' and pleadin' she take 'em back. That hoe had more dick than April and more kids than DMX, ain't a nigga she seen she don't want to fuck."
"How you still with that bitch?" Leo asked.
"We in kind of an open relationship, works good for me too 'cause I've had blue balls since her last pregnancy. More pussy for me, more teeth she get to leave the house with."
"Aight, bruh," Leo said, leaning back and exhaling smoke. "You talked to Donnie lately?"
"That fool too good for us now," Raph spat. "Up in his fancy-pants-ass college sucking up to white folk. Nigga make it big and suddenly forget where he came from."
"Dirty Uncle Tom-ass nigga," Leo muttered.
"Well, fuck him, bruh. We gon' have fun tonight. Remember that punk from high school, that fool Casey Jones?"
"Boy, you know I dropped out," Leo replied.
"Nigga, shut up. He got a thing goin' on at his place and Mikey and everyone gon' be there. You in?"
"Man, I don't know," Leo said, taking another puff. "I been kinda short lately and my check ain't come in 'til next week."
"You ain't gotta pay for shit," Raph responded. "Motherfucker need pussy repellant with all the flow he bringin' in. Regardless how you feel about him, you gotta admit the nigga done well for himself."
"I ain't got shit to do tonight besides that," Leo said. "I guess I'll come, but if I gotta carry your drunk ass home again…"
"Don't worry about that," Raph waved him off. "Mikey gon' be my driver. So you coming?"
"I'll be there," Leo replied. "Need something to take my mind off shit."
"Hell yeah," Raph said, getting up from his perch. "Aight, bruh, I gotta bounce. Talk to you later, aight?"
"Aight, dawg," Leo said, shaking his hand. "See you then."
As soon as the door closed behind Raph, Leo looked up at the wall. There was a picture of him, Raph, Mikey, Donnie, and their father, Hamato Yoshi. Yoshi was named by his mother, who called him after some chink nigga on TV. Niggas asked him that, though, ended up face down in a gutter. Nobody fucked with their daddy if they liked all their digits intact. He was a scrappy motherfucker who taught them all how to fight; even that bitch-boy Donnie with his faggot-ass degree could show a nigga what for. All the boys loved him dearly, Leo having only moved out due to trouble with the pigs.
All those thoughts of his daddy made Leo suddenly lonely and he decided to give the old man a call.
"Who the fuck is this? I said I'll pay you next Tuesday!"
"It's Leo, Daddy," Leo said. "How you holdin' up? Those kids givin' you mess?"
"Leo?! What you callin' for, nigga?! I don't have no goddamn money!"
"Just wanted to say hi, Daddy," Leo said. "Wanted to see if your old ass still alive with Raph and Mikey always fuckin' up yo shit."
"Well, shit, ain't one of you niggas ever given me a call without askin' for something. You ain't gotta worry about that, your ass ain't rid of me yet."
"Good to hear, Daddy. I'm hittin' up an old friend's house later tonight and wanted to make sure you wasn't too lonely."
"Lonely? I don't wanna hear about no motherfuckin' lonely! Goddamn kids, always sticking themselves into your business!"
"Well, aight, Daddy, good talking to you," Leo said. "I'll see you later if you still with us."
"Nigga, what you say?! Out of all the damn-"
Leo hung up, stretching his arms with a yawn. Getting up from his seat, he walked to his room and dropped onto his roach-filled bed. He had a feeling this party required him firing on all cylinders.
He woke up to his phone ringing. "What?"
"Rise and shine, nigga!" Raph yelled. "Me and Mikey driving to the place right now and we ain't having your ass skipping out on us!"
"You didn't even tell me the fuckin' time!"
"I don't need to tell you the fuckin' time! You should have some goddamn brotherly intuition!"
"Cowabunga, nigga!" Mikey shouted into the speaker. "We havin' some fun tonight!"
"Nigga, watch the road!" Raph reprimanded. "Haul yo tired ass out of bed and get over here. Casey bringin' all his friends, and he say one of them like you!"
"Aight, I'm up," Leo said. "I'll be over in fifteen."
"Make it ten, you raggedy son of a-"
Leo pulled onto Casey's street in his white '05 Corolla with expired plates and a missing bumper. He parked in front of Casey's house, a two-story with a questionable lime-green paint job. He'd seen niggas get jumped for less.
"Yo, Leo!" Mikey called, waving him over. "Over here, bruh!"
Mikey drove a red '08 Accord, much to the chagrin of his brothers who designated it the Fagmobile.
"What's good, Mikey," Leo said, pulling him into a hug.
"Not much, man," Mikey replied. "I ran a nigga's pockets today and the nigga had nothing on him. Fuck is a nigga gon' do if everybody's too poor to rob?"
"Get a job, you freeloading bitch," Raph called.
"Nigga, that is my job," Mikey bit back. "I applied to fuckin' McDonalds and they wouldn't fuckin' take me 'cause of that situation I was in a few months back."
"Holding a cop at gunpoint is not a situation, Mikey," Leo said.
"Well, fuck, nigga, doesn't a nigga deserve some fuckin' opportunities in life?"
"Ignore this stupid-ass motherfucker," Raph said, throwing his arm around Mikey. "Tonight's the night you finally come out of your shell and have you a fuckin' party."
"Ain't the first time I been to a fuckin' party," Leo scoffed.
"Not like this, motherfucker," Raph replied. Casey brung bitches all the way up from south-side to fuck with us. Treat 'em nice, Mikey, one might finally let you see her special zone." He elbowed Mikey in the ribs. "Fuck you, nigga," Mikey retorted.
Raph and Leo laughed. "Aight, well, what the fuck we waiting out here for, then? Let's fuckin' go!"
Casey came out to meet them. "What's up, motherfuckers?! Y'all ready to fuckin' party?"
"Damn straight, sucker!" Raph said, shoulder-bumping Casey and pointing at Leo. "We gon' teach this nigga how to have a good time. You was in your daddy's sack last time this nigga saw a female."
"Man, I ain't that fuckin' lonely," Leo said.
"Nigga, you still have that magazine article taped to your fuckin' wall. I ain't seen you with a girl since before I seen Daddy with an afro. That's how long it's been."
"You have that clipping too, motherfucker."
"Can you blame me? She a finer nigga than Beyonce."
"You niggas gotta chill," Mikey said, turning to Casey. "Who the fuck pulling up tonight? Your boy Mikey need some play of his own."
"Nobody y'all know," Casey replied.
"Back up, motherfucker," Raph said. "We don't want no ratchet-ass nigga bitches who don't wash they fuckin' ass. I don't trust yo ass wit' this shit after that shit you pulled back in senior year."
"Nah, nah, nobody like that," Casey said. "My bitches so tight even Mikey couldn't fit his baby dick inside."
Laughter ensued. "Man, what the fuck?" Mikey said exasperatedly.
"Chill out, Mikey," Leo said with a laugh. "Aight, Casey, against my better judgment I'ma trust your ass with this. A nigga got certain needs."
"I got you, bruh," Casey replied. "Trust your boy. I'll hook you up with pussy so smooth you could hit a fuckin' line off her asshole."
"Aw, shit!" "Casey, what the fuck, cracker?!"
"Man, fuck that fruity-ass bullshit," Leo said. "Get y'all asses inside 'fore I start agreeing with Casey's dumb ass."
They walked inside to find the house already chock-full of bad bitches and badder niggas. Speakers blasted Kendrick Lamar as the partygoers pounded down shots and grinded their crotches on one another.
"Shit, Casey!" Raph yelled. "This is one dope-ass crib, my nigga!"
"Y'all have a good time!" Casey yelled back. "I gotta check on the bounce house!"
The brothers looked at each other. "This nigga ordered a bounce house?"
"Aight, catch you boys later," Mikey said. "That redhead givin' me the look. She want me so bad!"
"You fuckin' wish, Mikey," Leo and Raph laughed. Mikey flipped them off and left.
"You gon' go too? I think homegirl want you," Leo pointed to a curvy blue-eyed girl staring at them seductively.
"Oh, hell to the no," Raph said, slapping Leo on the shoulder. "I ain't letting my big brother leave here without gettin' his dick wet. You need some company, nigga."
"Nigga, it's cool," Leo replied, turning towards him. "I'll find someone to dance with. All your ass need to worry about is whore-eyes giving you the business," he nodded back at the woman.
Raph stared at him for a second, then nodded. "Fine. But I expect you balls-deep in a female by the end of the night. You got me?"
"Whatever, bruh. Get your ass outta here." They shook hands, and Raph left to make another mistake. Leo took a seat at the bar and nursed a glass of tequila.
"Hey," a voice said behind him.
"Yo," Leo said, expecting to find a woman when he turned around. Instead, twelve niggas with swords were at the ready to slice-and-dice his dick off.
"You disrespected our daddy, nigga," one of them said.
"Yeah. Daddy treated you like family. He made you like one of his own, and look how the fuck you paid him back."
"I'm sorry, who's your daddy?" Leo asked.
"Oroku Saki."
Ah, that daddy. Oroku Saki was one of Hamato Yoshi's close friends before Yoshi dicked down his girl or some shit. That's what Oroku said, anyway.
"Yeah, I know your daddy, but what the fuck's that got to do with me?" Leo said, rising to his feet.
"It got everything to do with you," one said. "Our daddy was cryin' because of you niggas. You niggas ruined our daddy's livelihood, made him live on the fuckin' street with no one around but himself!"
Leo stayed quiet.
"Now it's payback time, nigga." Leo couldn't tell them apart for the life of him. "And ain't nobody gonna be around to hear you squeal."
"This fool givin' you a problem?" Raph said, coming up behind him.
"Not yet, he ain't," Leo smirked. "He too pussy to touch a hair on my black ass."
"Motherf-!" One of them charged Leo, brandishing his sword like a baseball bat. Leo unsheathed his own swords and chopped his dick into ribbons.
"Oh, shit!" he yelled as he took a plunge.
"You fucking bitch!" One of the bigger ones sprang towards Leo with surprising grace. Leo stepped aside, and Raph stabbed him in the lungs with one of his patented sai blades, perfect for toasting marshmallows or rocking a nigga's shit.
"Cowabunga, nigga!" Mikey sprang into the fray. He knocked one's teeth out with a punch and delivered a donkey kick straight into another's face.
"Goddamn, Mikey!" Leo laughed.
Mikey pulled out his nunchucks and turned the gathering into a slaughterhouse. Partygoers poured out the door in tens, nursing bruised limbs and busted jaws, and just as many laid on the floor unconscious.
"What the fuck y'all do to my party?!" Casey yelled. "I spent weeks getting this place ready, and you fucks ruined it in a minute! Y'all better have a damn good excuse for doing this stupid shit!"
The brothers looked at each other, then at Casey. "Cowabunga, nigga!" Mikey yelled as the three brothers left to continue their night of mayhem. Lord only knows what can save them now.