Deep in the cosmos where rays of stardust draped the fathomless universe with violet auroras, a lone vessel rode the infinite starry ocean. Stars parted in the wake of its vast wings. Moons caught in its gravitational pull were shattered upon the planetary mansion. The Columbidae ship casted its avian shadow across the multiverse.

At the helm of this cruiser, commanding the vessel, was nothing less than an almighty god. The merciless and powerful Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds. He had traversed countless worlds gathering pigeons and smiting the wicked with the guano of judgement. Now, the god marched into battle.

A horrible power drew close. It bent reality with every inch it journeyed across the tapestry of stars. It drew ever closer through the void, prepared for the epic clash of gods. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds raised his hand. His vessel drifted to a stop.

His form vanished, flickering, and reemerged in the icy blackness of space. The god soared forth, twisting the planets and the pillars of existence with his sheer malice.

At last, he came face-to-face with his nemesis. The green owl of languages, the unforgiving Duo of Duolingo. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds sensed a power equal to his own. He had encountered other threats in his travels: the unfathomably powerful elder god Chuthulu, the planet devourers Unicron and Galactus, and the eldritch abomination known as Kirby. The god would battle this rival as he had the others, for the sake of all pigeons.

"Halt," commanded the god. "This multiverse and all its pigeons belong to me. Thus decrees Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds."

Duo only laughed. "You presume to command me? The God of Languages?"

"Thou may be a god, but thou art still avian. My might eclipses thine."

The bird clicked his tongue. Voice laden with mockery, he spoke.

"You know what you are? An overdone joke that was never funny to begin with, an excuse for a subpar writer to bring back Signora and enable nonsensical attempts at comedy. You have no real power, little god."

"Still thy tongue! Thou art the mascot of corporation co-opted by the internet into a foul demon."

"You cannot surpass me," said Duo. "Hoyoverse and Duolingo posted a collab. I'm friends with Klee. That means I'm canon now, which is more than I can say for you."

"Your canonicity shalt not halt my holy wrath. Prepare to perish, putrid owl!"

Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds summoned the might of the multiverse into his fist. Galaxies swirled around his fingertips, glowing a fiery blue. He opened his hand and unleashed the flames of avian wrath.

Duo raised his wings. The stars bent to his will, encircling the mighty owl in a cloak of light. They spun, deflecting the godly fire on contact. Duo flapped his wings and the stars hailed down upon the archon.

Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds grew to several times his size, grabbed a nearby sun, and crushed it creating a black hole. The void swallowed the hail of stars as well as several nearby planets.

Duo scoffed. "Eres un idiota si piensas ir a ganar. Prepara por tu Muerte!"

A low, guttural cry rang out from Duo's beak. The nebulas clustered around him forming an armor forged from the ancient tongues that governed the laws of space and existence. Power swelled upon his beak as he readied his Spanish or Vanish beam.

Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds recited an ancient chant.

"I summon the might of Columbidae and all feathered friends/

"Together, we shall bring this corporate mascot's end!"

The souls of every bird that ever lived cawed with one voice. Their willpower and combined prayers fueled the great archon. Overwhelming energy clouds swirled around him as he raised his hands high and prepared his strongest attack: the Wings of Oblivion.

Both gods fired. The beams disintegrated galaxies lightyears away as they tore across the void and collided. Their roars of language and birds echoed throughout existence. The fabric of reality stretched and stretched. It broke. For one brief second, existence blinked.

"No way, Bennett," said the adventurer. "I wouldn't join up with you if you paid me! Everyone knows you're the unluckiest guy around."

The adventurer scurried away, leaving Bennett to sulk. Looks like it would be another loner mission. Again. It had been forever since he last had an actual team. He'd scarcely thought so when a rock began falling towards his head.

Blink.

The rock never hit Bennett's head. An arm made of metal caught the stone. Bennett turned around and saw a giant of a man with one eye and a sword on his back that was much too big and rough to be called a sword—more like a heap of raw iron.

"Can I help you?" asked Bennett.

"I heard you're looking for a partner. What's the pay?"

Bennett perked up. For real? This big guy wanted to join up with a loser like him?

"Oh, uh… my adventure team splits any loot equally."

"What's the catch?"

"The catch?"

"All deals have a catch. So what's this one's?"

Bennett paused for a while. "You'd be on a team with me. I'm the unluckiest man alive."

"Is that all? I'm an unlucky man too," he said with a hint of irony. "Maybe together our bad luck will cancel out."

Bennett grinned. "Yeah, maybe! Welcome to Benny's Adventure team, Mr…"

He gave a smile that was all canines.

"Guts."

Albedo enjoyed conducting his research in Dragonespine. The mountain was quiet, peaceful. Nobody barging into his lab and interrupting, none of the chaos that came with managing little Klee (Bless her heart, he loved her, but she was a handful), and a sense of peace hung about. Yes, this was perfect.

He soaked up that wonderful mountain air.

Blink.

There was a voice singing on the wind. Glancing upwards, he spotted what could only be described as a castle made of ice on the peak.

Albedo sighed. So much for a quiet moment to himself. The alchemist packed up all his equipment and headed to Stormterror's Lair

Heizou let out a yawn as he strolled into the station. His boss, one Miss Kujo Sara, glared. Not that he cared. She couldn't replace him even if he showed up a little late.

"So, what's the case today?"

"We've got complaints of ghosts in…"

Everything changed. Nobody noticed it, but the whole world flickered out for just a moment before returning in full force. Kujo Sara examined a clipboard and glared at Heizou.

"You're late."

"Sorry. We got any cases or…"

"A lot, but I've already assigned detectives to handle them."

Heizou started in alarm.

"Maybe if you didn't show up so late, this wouldn't happen."

"Wait, hold on! I'm the best detective you've got. Who could possibly—"

"The ghosts haunting the old abandoned mine will be investigated by Mystery Inc. Officer Judy and Nick are on the missing animals case. Oh, and Sherlock Holmes solved that murder case an hour before you got here. So, that leaves you with…parking duty."

He blinked. "What's parking duty?"

Tubby had been dozing off when a rift opened in front of her. Out stepped a blue-coated man with the Yamato. Vergil sheathed his katana and stepped out into the Teapot.

"We may have a problem," he said.

The adeptus groaned. These days, she couldn't close her eyes for one minute without everything falling apart. She blinked away her drowsiness and gave Vergil her full attention. He explained that Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds had picked a fight with a cosmic owl. The very fabric of existence was being torn asunder.

Just another Tuesday.

Tubby produced a realm dispatch and rubbed the engraving. The teapot etching flashed. The summon had been sent out to the only people who might stop the gods.

The universe creaked and shuddered beneath the might of the cosmic gods. Duo's language arts and the Bird Archon's energy clashed and collided, creating swirling vortexes that rent the cosmos.

Duo screamed in the countless tongues of the multiverse. His shrieks destroyed solar systems that lay galaxies beyond their battle. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds rallied the might of all pigeons. Their souls bled the impenetrable blackness of the universe, devouring star belts as they soared into battle.

Spectral birds collided with Spanish Palabras, exploding into supernovas that shook every reality. The mad gods readied their final attacks, determined to end this duel once and for all.

"Ahem?"

They both paused. Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds turned to the sound. There, in the void of space, were two astronauts atop a shuttle. The smaller one decked in a crimson little spacesuit jumped off the shuttle and tackled Duo in a hug.

"Hi, Mr. Birdy! Klee is so happy to see you!"

Duo's godly wrath slowly abated. None could stay enraged before the most wholesome creature in all of creation. He no longer desired conflict. Certainly, not before Klee. The owl broke from the conflict. Putting Klee on his back he flew her around the stars, much like a giant Totoro.

The archon would not be so easily swayed. Aside from the friendship of pigeons, nothing could sway his fury. Nothing, save the lilting voice that came from the second astronaut.

"I do believe," she said, "you should stop this nonsense. Little one."

Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds froze. For the first time since achieving godhood, true terror flooded his heart. It was her—the wicked pink one (other than Kirby) who destroyed his innocence by revealing the mysteries of procreation.

The archon offered a hasty bow and fled for the Avian Mansion. His vessel raced lightyears through countless dimensions in the span of a breath, desperate to escape the evilest and most devious creature in existence.

It relieved Tubby to learn that the mission had been a success. Vergil himself returned to the teapot with the news that Duo became peaceful after spending a playdate with Klee. Moreover, Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds ventured into the vast reaches of existence beyond the source wall to flee Miko.

Still, Tubby felt uneasy about this whole thing.

"And you're sure everything's okay?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied. "Reality has been tested by this clash, but we are both still here."

"Things are rarely ever that easy for us," said Tubby.

They both stared into the endless blue horizon of the Serenitea Pot. Despite her misgivings, Tubby permitted herself a moment of calm. The conflict had been stopped before anyone could get seriously hurt and all was right with the world. Most importantly, everyone survived somehow. There would not be a Second Archon War that spanned the infinite universe. Yes, they scored a victory once again.

With a sigh, Tubby sunk into her teapot. As far as she cared, she earned a little respite for a job well done. Perhaps they'd have issues to tend to later, but that would be later. For now, everything was perfect in the world of Teyvat.

All's well that ends well, as they say.

Charlotte laid the article on her boss's desk. Her editor read through her draft with a smile. "Very good. I think that…"

Blink. For just a moment, there was nothing and no one. Then she was back in the office with her editor. He stroked his moustache and puffed on a cigar.

"It's no good, kid! Sob stories like this don't make the front page. Now get me photos of Spider-Man!"

She stared dumbly at him. "Who?"