Freshman: A Spy Day
[Bubblegum High starts the day with the bell ringing and the students entering class. The Homeroom class spend their minutes chatting, studying, or patiently waiting for the teacher to enter. A new teacher, by the name of Mister Alabaster, enters immediately and interrupts the chatting students]
Mr. Alabaster: Okay kids, here's the sitch! Because Mr. Wuxop violated his parole, I'm your new teacher for the rest of the semester.
[Tech Wizard raises his hand]
Tech Wizard: Are the rules against me still in effect?
Mr. Alabaster: Unfortunately. I even asked the principal to annul them but he's insistent for safety reasons. So, now that we got that out of the way, allow me to introduce a new student who just came in unexpectedly. Class, say hello to Eric.
Eric: Hi everybody! It sure is swell that I got to attend the school year with all of you! I love school so much that I want to have as many friends as I can!
[The students look at Eric, unenthusiastically, with Tech Wizard looking at him while snickering]
Mr. Alabaster: You can take a seat next to Tech Wizard. Hey! You! Um, Pinky!
Rose: Um, my name is Rose, sir.
Mr. Alabaster: Sorry! Rose, you're switching seats as of today. Eric will take your place.
Rose: Okay. Sorry boo, I'll check up with you after class. Jen, Molly, Elise! Make sure Techy Wizard isn't harassed.
[The girls shake their heads in agreement as Eric sits next to Tech Wizard]
Eric: Hi, there! Want to be friends with me?
Tech Wizard: Leave us alone, agent.
Eric: Excuse me?
Tech Wizard: You can't fool me like the teacher there. I know you're an agent from the B.B.I! Reveal yourself before things go south after this conversation.
Eric: I'm just a new student. How rude of you to suggest that.
Tech Wizard: Everyone here knows you're a narc. Your efforts to make whatever mission succeed will end with you in a worse position than what you're in now.
[Eric pauses for a minute, takes a deep breath and talks]
Eric: I want to make friends. Will you be my friend?
Molly: He said no! Now leave him alone!
Elise: Yeah. Also, you dress stupid. Are you a narc?
Jen: I think he is a narc?
Eric: I'm a student. Why don't you believe me?
Rose: HEY EVERYBODY! WE HAVE A NARC IN THE ROOM! FEEL FREE TO BEAT HIM UP FOR WHATEVER REASON!
[Desperate, Eric raises his hand]
Eric: Teacher, may I be excused! My mother might call me!
Mr. Alabaster: Wait a few minutes. Try to connect with the students while you're at it.
Eric: Is this because I'm this "narc"?
Mr. Alabaster: I don't know. You keep insisting that you aren't one and I'm just a teacher.
[Despondent, Eric sits down to his seat, turns his head left and sees the students who want him, especially one punching his fist while smiling gleefully]
Eric: Oh dear.
[The school bell rings and the homeroom students leave the class with Eric, beaten up, hanged on a coat hook.]
Eric: This is not what I expected on my first day.
[Entering an empty classroom, Eric contacts his superiors about what happened]
?: This is Agent Gray. What's the situation!?
Eric: It's going well. I just managed to track the location of the target. Everything is alright.
Gray: Cut the crap, Topher! You're obviously beaten up! Someone found out your identity, didn't they!
Topher/Eric: Alright, fine! They did! I don't know who squealed my identity but I'm sure he told them about us!
Gray: Enough! The mission stands as it is! You are to infiltrate, identify, and report anything regarding "the target". Are we clear!?
Topher/Eric: Yes! I'll make sure of that.
[Eric ends the call and exits out the room only to get beaten up by the students again. Heading for his next class, he encounters Marcel and his siblings. Hoping to recover from today's losses, he introduces himself to them]
Eric: Salutations, there! My name is Eric and I'm a new student at this school. Want to be friends?
Azealia: I'm sorry. We don't associate with narcs!
Eric: (confused) Excuse me?
Lyn: You're an undercover agent sent here to get information regarding certain people and their questionable behaviors. Right?
Eric: I'm just a student. I'm not this "undercover agent" you insist I am. I'm just a kid like you!
Marcel: Are you serious or just stupid? You have features that say it! Just come out before things get ugly.
Eric: That guy is scary, am I right?
Lyn: That guy is my brother!
Eric: Then that girl is a ninny.
Lyn: (grits teeth) That's my sister!
Eric: Well, your siblings are brutes!
[Both Marcel and Azealia look at Eric with WTF faces. Once the bell rings, the siblings leave the hall with Eric stuck in the trash bin]
Lyn: You know, you two need to calm down.
Azealia: No one verbally hurts my big brother.
Marcel: Same for my sister.
Lyn: And that's why we're a loving family.
[Eric tries to get out the bin only to fall down on the floor. Someone, not the Abadeer siblings, shoves the bin down a hallway and into a flight of stairs until Eric lands outside and hits the brick wall surrounding the school. Heading towards his next class, Eric, scruffed up a bit, takes his seat and meets Kelvin, along with his homies, as they learn history.]
Eric: Hey. What's up, my homies! What's the word today, bro!
Kelvin: Umm, you okay?
Eric: Crystal!
Blueberry Prince: Are you a narc or something!?
Eric: NO! I'm not a narc!
Teacher: Excuse me!
Eric: Huh?
Teacher: You got something to say to the entire class!
Eric: Just introducing myself to my classmates!
Teacher: Then you can do that up front while explaining something historical to us!
[Eric goes to the front of the class and introduces himself to the class]
Eric: Hi! My name is Eric and I'm the newest student of the school year!
Student: Are you a narc!
Eric: No!
Student: He is totally a narc!
Eric: No! I'm not!
Welch: Just tell us if you're a narc!
Eric: I'M NOT A NARC! (pauses a bit) I mean, I'm the new kid here and I'm glad to be your best friend!
Welch: You're a narc! You have those features that say it!
Eric: Moving on, one piece of history I like to tell about is the Flame Kingdom and how this former dictatorship became a growing dynasty full of bright leaders that eventually grew into a democratic nation led by Malachi . . .
[Before Eric can finish his sentence, a chair is flung and hits him in the face as Kelvin, Blueberry Prince, and several students proceed to wallop the tar out of Eric. Even the teacher throws her fists at the boy. Class ends and the students leave with Eric crawling out in pain.]
Eric: I'm starting to think this school hates me. Nah!
[Eric spots some goths and introduces himself]
Eric: Hi, there! Want to look at skulls together?
[He unfortunately wraps his arms around Skull Luz's neck]
Skull Luz: NARC!
Corpse Carl: Tar and feather him!
[Some time later, Eric's clothes are tattered and burned. He spots the bikini babes, brushes off the feathers and introduces himself to them]
Eric: Hi there, ladies!
[Unfortunately, he grabs Vanessa by the chest]
Vanessa: SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
Eric: Oh, no.
[Eric is then clobbered to a pulp by some random guys. He then spots the LGBT students and foolishly introduces himself]
Eric: Hi, my name is Eric. What's yours?
Christina: Mom, is that a narc?
Alice: Christina, let mommy handle this.
Eric: Aren't you too young to be her daughter?
Timmy: Aren't you too old to be in this school?
Eric: Nonsense! I'm a kid like you!
Byron: Says the grinning idiot with a 6 o'clock shadow!
Alice: (menacing) You need to leave before bad things happen!
Eric: Do you want to be my friend!
Christina: (scared) Umm, Mommy!
Byron: Seriously! Scram!
Eric: Come on! We can be the best of friends. (trips) Oops!
[Eric falls down and grabs Christina's shoe before she can run. His grip causes the shoe to slip out and expose her foot. Eric, for no logical reason, grabs her foot and proceeds to rub it in a disturbing manner]
Christina: (traumatized) FOOT FETISH!
[The yell alerted numerous LGBTQA students and rallied behind Alice to clobber the disgusting spy. Eric, still feeling the trans woman's foot, snaps out of his trance, notices the violently angry crowd and flees in terror. He runs until he rams into Tech Wizard]
Tech Wizard: Huh? Who threw that piece of paper at me?
Eric: YOU! Are you the one who told everyone about my status as a BBI agent?!
Tech Wizard: (sarcastic) Yes! I told the people here that you were pretending to be a student to get information regarding me! I even brainwash the helpless principal to make the teachers beat you up for laughs!
Eric: I knew it!
Tech Wizard: I swear, if the B.B.I agency were filled with people like you, no wonder you're failing.
Eric: Okay! I fell for that. But I need to know why I'm targeted?!
Tech Wizard: You are an old man pretending to be a high school student. What did you expect, acceptance!?
Eric: I never meant to make myself a target! I just want to complete the mission I was given!
Tech Wizard: Well, your first mistake was trying to pass off as a teenager without shaving your beard stubble. Your second mistake was coming on too much! I've heard you riled up everyone in the school except the preppies.
Eric: Then they're my only chance to fit in!
Tech Wizard: I don't know. Based on my brief introduction with them, I've heard they do something called a sit-down. It's like a beatdown except with words instead of fists.
Eric: And you know how?
Tech Wizard: They told me on my first day.
Eric: Then watch me! I'll soon fit in faster than I can get beaten up by those gays!
Alice: I found the foot pervert!
Eric: Yipe!
[Eric runs from the LGBTQA crowd until Tech Wizard puts his foot out and he trips. Tech Wizard walks away as Eric pleads for help before getting pummeled to pieces]
Eric: Help me! (pummeled) Oof! Ow! Hey! Ow! That smarts!
Tech Wizard: That's for touching my daughter inappropriately!
[Christina hugs Tech Wizard for stopping the creep]
Christina: Thanks, papa!
[After enduring the beating of his life, Eric, still living and with bandaids, enters the cafeteria, grabs a tray, grabs some food, sits near J and proceeds to introduce himself]
Eric: (mumbling) My name is Eric. Want to be my friend?
J: Sure. Meet me here once lunch is over.
[J hands Eric a piece of paper]
Eric: Okay.
[Eric eats what's on his tray only to spit it out]
Eric: Also, this is terrible.
J: That's what you get for eating the burger. It's cooked raw.
[Lunch period ends and Eric leaves to go to the room J invited him to talk to. The room inside is dark with a light showing a lone chair in the middle]
Eric: Hello! Are you inside?
J: Have a seat.
Eric: Okay.
[Suddenly, mysterious people strap Eric onto his chair and then Aoi enters with a clipboard]
Eric: Wait! Where am I?
Aoi: Silence! You are in the middle of a sit-down! Prepare to answer our questions and maybe we'll go easy on you!
Eric: Wait. What?
Aoi: First question, who are you?
Eric: What?
[Aoi slams on the desk]
Aoi: That's not an answer! Who are you!?
Eric: My name is Eric!
[Aoi slaps Eric with a glove]
Aoi: Wrong! Who are you!?
Eric: My name is Eric!
[Aoi slaps Eric with a glove, again]
Aoi: Wrong! What do you expect to accomplish?
Eric: I'm a student.
Aoi: Wrong! Who do you work for?
Eric: Nobody!
[Suddenly, Milton enters and slams the desk with a dictionary]
Milton: Wrong! Who do you work for?
Eric: What?
Milton: Who's your boss?
Eric: Huh?
Milton: Are you a pervert?
Eric: No?
Milton: Then why do you like little trans girls' feet?
Eric: What?
Aoi: Who's the milkman?
Eric: What?
Milton: Where's the milkman?
[Suddenly, Remy appears]
Remy: What do you know about the milkman?
Aoi: Why do you have a 6 o'clock shadow?
Remy: Are you obsessed with feet?
Milton: When do you arrive at our school?
Remy: Do you have a mustache?
Aoi: Are you a harasser? If so, what excuse do you have in mind?
Eric: I'M JUST A STUDENT!
[Eric exits the room, exhausted. By the time he reaches his locker, Adonis bumps into him and he stuffs himself into the locker]
Adonis: Hey, what gives? Normally, I'm the guy that does that.
Eric: Please don't beat me up!
Adonis: You don't look beatable. What's with the attitude though?
Eric: My name is Eric. I'm the new kid in this school and the majority of the students keep punching me for no reason.
Adonis: Honestly, I don't see any problems with you other than some hair on your chin.
Eric: Everyone keeps calling me a narc. I'm just a student.
Adonis: A narc? What's that?
Eric: An undercover agent.
Adonis: You mean a spy?
Eric: Something like that.
Adonis: Anyone you think is causing these problems?
Eric: I'm assuming that Tech Wizard. He's been a thorn on my side since his friends accused me of being a narc.
Adonis: Tech Wizard! MY ARCH ENEMY! HE STARTED ALL OF THIS! I knew he was trouble but this is a new low.
Eric: Want to be friends with me?
Adonis: Yeah. Me and my jocks will make sure we level the playing field with that Tech Wizard! In fact, I'll make sure you never get in a fistfight with those pricks ever again!
Eric: Thank you! Thank you! I'll make this my lifetime achievement on my first day here!
[Meanwhile, somewhere in the B.B.I offices]
Agent: Are you sure we can trust Topher with this operation? I mean, he has a record of failing infiltration missions because of his "revealing features".
Gray: I know! However, we need that doofus to take the missions that nobody wants to risk their lives over. Most of which involves the Tech Wizard.
Agent: The elusive one?
Agent: The one who drives our recruits into early retirement?
Agent: The one who cost our government 486 quintillion dollars?
Gray: Yes, that Tech Wizard. So long as he exists, we can never rest easy. Topher is our only chance to infiltrate that school and influence the people there why he needs to be contained.
Agent: In the glory of Finn himself!
Agent: Yeah! It's what Finn would have wanted!
[Meanwhile, back in Bubblegum High]
Alice: That was traumatizing. This is why you were supposed to stay at home, Christina! There are weirdos out there who have sick feelings about your body!
Christina: Yes! But that weirdo is the exception, mom. Most of the students here kinda treat me like an equal. But that narc was just too much.
Tech Wizard: I don't know why they do that. I mean, I expected this kind of behavior from the Skyler Page District, but with the B.B.I., even they should have standards.
[Alice gives him a dirty look]
Tech Wizard: What?
Alice: Please don't mention Skyler Page. I haven't been the same since Skyler Page.
Christina: Hey, mom! He knows the pain of the B.B.I more than any one of us combined.
Tech Wizard: It's alright, Christina.
Alice: Yeah, I know. It's just, you know what happened that time. Those men. Before you and her came into my life. When I was some runaway looking to make do with a doorknob necklace I made.
[Alice opens her shirt to reveal said necklace as Tech Wizard glances at his trans-daughter while Christina ponders about how she met the two runaways and became a loving family]
Christina: (thinking) It was a bad time. When things were wild, when many of us escaped those horror orphanages, when Terrance? No. No! NO! No. I don't want to remember Terrance! He's dead! FOREVER!
Lyn: That is so sad.
[The trio turn back and find Lyn, behind a wall corner, overhearing the conversation]
Tech Wizard: Get out here and explain!
Lyn: I was just minding my business and I overheard the three of you talking about Skyler Page. That's what my mommy calls a no-no place.
Christina: Very no-no.
Kelvin: Yo! And that's not even the worst part of town. There's John Kricfalusi and that place is full of wackos. But the B.B.I, how are they vile?
Tech Wizard: (upset) Okay! Who else heard us converse in private!
[Suddenly, several students come out of the lockers and doors only for both Tech Wizard and Alice to slap their faces over the outcome]
Alice: Almost everyone in school! Even you, you blonde haired bimbo!
Bailey: Hey! I'm just here to know why you're so pissy at me during our first encounter. Also, the B.B.I? They were founded by the Bubblegum administration to detain certain criminals that even the princesses can't arrest. Those people risk their lives so that we stay safe.
Alice: Oh, boo-hoo hoo. You listen to what the censors have to offer instead of taking a peek in their dirty business. It's people like you that makes me sick. Those who see us as criminals when we were innocent bystanders who took scraps that the uppers threw out.
Bailey: What's your deal with me!?
Alice: I can't stand the idea of you telling me that those thugs are the good guys when my daughter was a victim of their harassment.
Kelvin: You were touched inappropriately?
Christina: More like cajoled into busting my mom and dad in exchange for a portion of their bounties.
Kelvin: And you rejected it?
Christina: If that happened to your buddy, what would you do?
[Kelvin looks at Blueberry Prince and both nod in respect]
Vanessa: I get the situation but how much are you two worth?
Tech Wizard: A lot of dollars. More than what anyone in this school can dream in their delusions of grandeur. The majority of which is me alone. Alice is just a sweetener.
Lyn: And what have you done?
Alice: Regretful things that I wished both him and my daughter would have intervened!
Bailey: Like?
Alice: (indignant) Do we have time for that, now?!
Bailey: (offended) Sorry. Just curious.
[Suddenly, a cry from above interrupts the crowd as they spot Adonis with Eric in tow as they confront Tech Wizard about Eric's beatings]
Adonis: So! Are you the sicko who made everyone here beat up an innocent kid for nothing?
Tech Wizard: If by innocent kid, you mean a 32 year old man wearing clothes that high school students like us can't afford while having a presence that upsets everybody and not even bothering to shave his facial hair, then yes.
Adonis: Kinda like that hairy guy next to you!
Tech Wizard: Excuse me?
Adonis: That hairy guy. Next to the girl with the spiky hair.
Alice: Christina? My daughter?
Adonis: Is that what we call guys now? Female names? I mean, he's wearing a blouse and a skirt for Finn's sake! Show some respect!
[Everyone is aghast with the words Adonis spews out.]
Tech Wizard: That is a woman. She is a woman. You are talking to my adopted daughter. Please refer to her as a female or else!
Adonis: (sarcastically condescending) Oh, I'm so sorry! I apologize to the guy wearing a dress. I would like to see more guys, especially my muscular jocks wear dresses and panties while prancing around in stockings like the docile housewives most women are supposed to be.
Alice: Can I beat him up? I feel like beating this moron to submission.
Tech Wizard: Let me handle this. Okay, Adonis, you can't refer to my adopted daughter like that. She is a woman and wants to be referred to as a woman. So either apologize or else.
Adonis: Are you threatening me!?
Tech Wizard: Who else am I talking to, your buddy the wall?
[Meanwhile, outside the school, numerous agents of the B.B.I begin their operation. The most important agents, Gray, Monroe, Warsaw, are in their plains clothes while the mooks are armed to the teeth]
Gray: Are you sure about this, Monroe?
Monroe: Of course. That agent you sent in hasn't sent any report about the target. Either he exposed himself, again, or he died. In any case, Warsaw, what's the situation inside?
Warsaw: Well, based on the amount of kids inside, the target is either having an argument or a beatdown. In either case, we need to extract the target.
Gray: Agreed. Agents, move inside!
[The agents proceed to enter the school before we switch to an undisclosed site where numerous agents are worn out from exhaustion as someone exits the site and heads towards the school. An agent in a tattered uniform reports to the agency about the situation]
?: This is Agent Felbin. The subject has escaped the holding cell. It's heading towards the operation. I repeat, we have a code tarfu! A code tarfu!
[We head back to the school where Tech Wizard is trying to diffuse the situation with Adonis upping the ante with threats against Christina]
Tech Wizard: Look. Calm down and maybe we can reach a stalemate?
Adonis: What, you want to slap me with a slab of concrete? How's about I do that towards the boy wearing a dress!?
Alice: Please stop pointing towards my daughter! Also, how does stalemate equate to concrete?
Greg: Because concrete is a rock and stale is also a rock. Therefore, stale is concrete.
Bailey: I think you're confusing stale with shale.
Eric: It's all science really.
[Suddenly, tear gas spews out the hallway, making several students cough. Afterwards, several agents in gas masks and riot gear storm the hallway and try to seize Tech Wizard only for the young wizard to respond by kicking the agents arresting him. Afterwards, Gray runs towards the wizard only for Alice to punch her in the neck. Regaining her equilibrium, Gray instead tries to arrest Alice and the two fight it out as Monroe and Warsaw head towards their target. Unfortunately, Adonis, in a state of confused anger, punches Warsaw in the gut under the assumption that he was Tech Wizard. Warsaw, in pain, orders his men to arrest the obnoxious jock only for them to be pummeled by the other jocks.]
Agents: You people do know hitting agents is against the law!
[Someone in the crowd opens a nearby window and the gas clears as some students lay on the floor, unconscious from the tear gas. The other students come out the classroom doors and try to help diffuse the situation. Monroe, trying to wrap up the operation, wraps his face in a sheet, pulls out a gun and tries to deter the approaching students]
Monroe: Nobody move! This is a gang related situation! Don't try to play hero!
[Unbeknownst to Monroe, Christina sneaks behind him and punches him in the nuts. Surprised, Monroe drops his weapon and the students proceed to hold him down.]
Monroe: Help! I'm pinned down! Anyone who's brave enough will get a bump on next year's pay raise!
[Agents head towards Monroe's direction only to face retaliation from the following: J, Marcel, Azaelia, Kelvin, Blueberry Prince, Goth Prince, the candles, Skull Luz, Corpse Carl, Byron, Zombie Princess, Lyn, the LGBTQIA club, Tech Wizard, his gears, Alice, Bailey, Adonis, his jocks, the bikini babes, and Mr. Alabaster]
[J holds down the agents and punches without breaking a sweat]
Agent: Help! Help! Help!
J: Your only problem was trying to attack innocent kids in a school called "Bubblegum High"!
Agent: Oh, no! Not heights! I'm terrified of heights!
Marcel: Really? Like this high?
[The snarky Abadeer flies way high up the school and drops the timid agent only to pick up the sniveling moron]
Agent: Please don't do that!
Azaelia: No!
[Azaelia opens a portal and repeats her brother's move and drops the agent. Meanwhile, Goth Prince and his followers grab several armed agents, tar and feather them, and have his candles burn them.]
Agent: Oh my Finn. We need to evacuate!
Skull Luz: Sure. But first, spray paint!
[Luz sprays the agent in black paint. The agent, blinded, gets suplexed by Corpse Carl. They proceed to drag the unconscious agent towards an empty classroom. The preppies, LGBTQIA students, and goths grab the unconscious students and proceed to heal them in another classroom with the school nurse assisting them.]
Nurse: What seems to be the situation here!?
Aoi: Exposure to tear gas, riot gear injuries, and, for obvious reasons, today's lunch.
Nurse: I told that poor excuse of a principal that nobody cooks hamburgers like that. "It's medium well", he said. They're raw and raw meat is bad for the digestion of the student body. In either case, we'll need cold water, rags, band-aids, ice, gauze, and for the food poisoning ones, bananas, rice, applesauce, crackers, toast, watermelon, oranges, coconuts, and milk.
Eustace: What about coffee?
Nurse: Are your intestines normal?
[Eustace's intestines rumble as he runs towards the door to find the boy's room]
Aoi: Guess not. Okay! Everyone grab a rag and wipe your eyes!
[Meanwhile, Blueberry Prince bumps into several armed agents and knocks them down as Kelvin blasts them with his flames, melting their guns and scalding their hands. An impatient Warsaw pulls out a fire extinguisher and sprays Kelvin with it only to get conked in the head by Mister Alabaster.]
Mr. Alabaster: Are you alright, Kelvin.
Kelvin: Yeah. Nothing much happened. Was I supposed to feel anything?
Mr. Alabaster: You are made of fire, right?
Kelvin: Yes, but was that supposed to hurt?
[Both can't answer]
Blueberry Prince: Questions for later.
[Alice continues fighting Gray until Eric intervenes and cuffs Alice's arm. Before he can cuff her other arm, Bailey intervenes and gets cuffed instead.]
Alice: Oh, come on!
Bailey: Well, at least I saved you! You're welcome!
Alice: Shut up, bimbo!
Eric: Augh, dammit! I did it again!
Gray: No shit, genius! But at least we caught you!
Alice: Oh yeah! Well eat this!
[Alice tries to punch Gray but gets yanked by Bailey]
Bailey: Ow! What gives?
Alice: Bimbo! Can't you move?
Bailey: Care to say something other than bimbo?
Alice: How about "brainless blondie"!?
Bailey: What's your attitude about me?
Alice: You're a representation of everything I can't stand! A blonde beauty who uses her title as head cheerleader to get all the guys to do her bidding! At least I have more integrity than you!
Bailey: You don't know me! What about you? A brawny lesbian trying hard to find friends besides her "adopted family" and targets people based on outdated stereotypes! Hello pot, name's kettle, your hair is black!
Eric: Can you two stop flirting and kiss already!?
[The suggestion from the narc calms down the arguing couple and turns their attention to whamming Eric to nothing]
Eric: Can't we go back to what I said? OH MY FINN!
[Eric gets pummeled by both girls while Gray tries to break up the scuffle]
Gray: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Attacking an officer is a federal offense!
[Bailey kicks Gray in the groin and she becomes unconscious immediately. Tech Wizard continues battling the armed agents with his gears eating their armor. Waking up, Monroe tries to arrest the distracted wizard only for Alexa and her girl group to grab him, drag him, and knock him unconscious again. By the time the school bell rings, the doors open and in comes a fiery teen in a blood orange blazer, wine red slacks, and blue stilettos with a death glare towards a very bruised Eric.]
Eric: Oh no. They failed their mission, didn't they?
?: No shit, sherlock!
[The preppy proceeds to grab Eric, burn his clothes to ash except for his underwear, throws him out the building and turns around to the teacher]
Mr. Alabaster: Excuse me, who are you?
[The preppy takes a deep breath and presents herself]
?: My name is Jolokia. I'm the new preppy student for the semester. I was supposed to come yesterday but those idiots over there nabbed me and tried to put me in some cell in a secret prison. Fortunately, my wits and fiery demeanor taught them a thing or two.
Mr. Alabaster: Well Jolokia, the day is over and many of us need to head for the nurse's office to clean up our wounds. As for these buffoons, I'm sure your fellow preppies have something planned.
[Preppy club afterschool. Warsaw and several chained mooks are partaking in a sit-down with other preppies]
Aoi: First question, who are you?
Warsaw: What?
[Aoi slams on the desk]
Aoi: That's not an answer! Who are you!?
Warsaw: My name is not important!
[Aoi slaps Warsaw with a glove]
Aoi: Not important? Never heard of it!
Warsaw: You understand this interrogation is illegal for numerous reasons!
Ryan: And you understand, arresting a student for no reason reeks of suspicion.
Mook #1: She's right, you know.
Warsaw: Shhh!
[Aoi slaps the mook on the cheek]
Aoi: First of all, they're non-binary. Second, who do you work for?
Warsaw: What?
[Suddenly, Milton enters and slams the desk with a dictionary]
Milton: Wrong! Who do you work for?
Mook #2: What?
Milton: What isn't a place I heard of? Do they speak English in what?
Mook #2: What?
Milton: English, stupid! Or maybe do you speak German, Spanish, or Third-Dimensional Latin?
Warsaw: What?
Milton: Do you speak any language besides what?
Warsaw: Yes.
Mook #2: Yes! We speak English.
Milton: Then you need to tell us, who do you work for?
Warsaw: What?
[Aoi slams a dictionary on the table]
Aoi: Say what again! SAY! WHAT! AGAIN! I dare you to say "what" one more time! In fact, I'll undress myself if you say what again!
Warsaw: Please don't! I'm a grown-ass man!
Mook #3: So are we!
Ryan: Then answer one question, who's the milkman?
Mook #1: What?
Milton: Where's the milkman?
Skull Luz: What do you know about the milkman?
J: Why do you smell like bad aftershave?
Corpse Carl: Are you responsible for this operation?
Milton: Who else arrived at our school?
Jolokia: Why was I detained?
Corpse Carl: Why are your clothes so bland looking?
Jolokia: Are you a harasser? If so, what excuse do you have in mind?
Skull Luz: Is the milkman related to the crisis in the Flame Empire?
Ryan: Who's the milkman?
Milton: Where's the milkman?
Skull Luz: What do you know about the milkman?
Jolokia: Tell us the milkman's location!
Warsaw: I can't reveal the location of the milkman! I signed a confidentiality waiver!
[Meanwhile, at the BBI offices, the director of the agency chews out their incompetence]
Red: This is abysmal! I was told you morons enacted a search and detain mission without any reconnaissance in the building that "the target" was in. You barged into said building, fought against some resistance, and ended up with what? A couple of bruised mooks, some top tier agents getting beaten and humiliated by school kids, agent Eric getting his cover blown repeatedly and this buffoon BEING THE ONLY THING WE CAUGHT IN THE SCUFFLE!
[Monroe, his clothes ripped apart and covered in bandaids, tries to respond to the director's questions]
Monroe: Well, in our defense, sir, we were able to have some intel regarding the target. At least that counts.
[Director Red holds Adonis, angrily, to the agents as he fumes over their "win"]
Red: Intel. Some "intel" was our win? What do you have to say, Agent Gray?
[Gray, her face covered with bandages, speaks in shame]
Gray: (muffled) I don't have the words to explain our failure, sir.
Red: Also, where's Warsaw?
Mook: Agent Warsaw is still MIA, sir.
Red: And why is that?
Monroe: Umm? Based on our intel, "raw hamburger meat".
Red: Hamburger meat? That's your excuse?
[The agents shake their heads before turning his head towards the two bungling losers]
Adonis: Can I go now?
Red: NO! In fact, you're under arrest for interfering with an investigation!
Adonis: Can you spare me, man?
[Eric, in a desperate attempt to save whatever microscopic shred of dignity he has left, points the finger to Adonis for the fallout]
Eric: HE MADE ME DO IT! HE MADE ME DO IT! IT WAS ALL HIS FAULT OUR OPERATION WENT TO SHIT!
Adonis: Eric. I'LL KILL YOU!
[Adonis tries to punch the pathetic agent before the screen turns black]
End