…why me?
…it can't be.
That… it doesn't make sense…
But it does, doesn't it?
It's painfully obvious, in fact. Looking back…
I tremble as I crane my neck upward to gaze at the window of my girlfriend's room. I can't see anything, of course. Given the angle, the window might as well be opaque for all it shows me. But I don't need a good look to picture what's happening. The noises, those damn noises…
… Why did the walls have to be so damn thin?
…the noises make what's happening very clear. Even if I've never heard them moan like that, those voices are unmistakable. It's Ayumu… and Nao. I can't quite make out the words they are gasping out; the walls aren't that thin. Yet I can understand just enough to know that he is with them.
I clench my fists. In a trance, I approach my girlfriend's house until I'm just below the window. The window of the room where everything is taking place. I let my back rest against the wall, and I slide down until I'm sitting on the ground with my head on my knees. Now that I'm so close, their screams of pleasure and their words of praise for him and degradation of me are clearer.
They really should tone it down. The neighbors will hear…
No matter how much I try to distract myself and numb my mind with these idle, dumb thoughts, it's no use. I snap out my daze as I start crying into my hands, curled up in the fetal position.
…Why? Why, Nao?
With Ayumu, I can understand. I almost expected it, given that I already saw them fuck. The memories of what happened make my blood boil with impotent rage and humiliation, but as much as it hurts me, she isn't my girlfriend. In fact, she technically isn't doing anything wrong…
"Yes, yes! You are much stronger than Hiroki! He will never be half the man you are!"
I can't help it. I cry harder at hearing her words, an echo of what I heard when she got fucked by him while I was in that locker. Why is she doing this? Did he ask her to? Does it turn him on to humiliate me even more? Or does she actually believe what's she gasping out and is doing it of her own accord? No, even if she isn't dating me, she should treat me better, for always being her friend and protecting her.
…... right?
I've never lacked confidence, but right now... the self-doubt is crushing. Is she right? Are they right? Am I such a failure of a man, so utterly weak and pathetic, that even my best friend would demean me for a cheap thrill?
... it still isn't as bad as what Nao is doing.
I loved her. Sure, I was a bit rough around the edges, but I was truly in love. I wanted to marry her. I wanted to have my first time with her.
… and how did that turn out?
She betrayed me without a second thought. For my bully, no less. For the man that beat me up when I tried to defend her. I suffered because of him, and for her. And she repays me by fucking him and insulting my whole being while doing so.
I'm a sobbing mess at this point. And yet, a much worse revelation hits me as I regain my original train of thought.
… Looking back, it's painfully obvious. She has been seeing him behind my back all this time, hasn't she? She has been distant ever since I got beat up. No, even a little while before that. Is that… did she cheat on me even I lost that fight? Is that why she acted so strangely when I first confronted him? Because she was already fucking that stupid foreigner and was secretly rooting for him?
… did it get you wet seeing him kick my ass, bitch?
My thoughts are a jumbled mess. I've always been better at fighting that at thinking.
Ha. But you still got beat up, didn't you? Twice. So good at fighting, yes. Great combat skills you have, "strongest guy at school".
I suppress the thought, knowing I have more important matters at hand. That can of worms and depression can be dealt with after I've dealt with the other, even more depressing thoughts running through my mind at a thousand miles per hour.
That's why she kicked me out just now, isn't it? Was he already in her house? Is that what she meant by "busy"?
An intense feeling of rage rises to match and even surpass my despair. She played me for a fool. A complete and utter fool.
She denied me her body while freely giving herself to that retarded ape.
The feeling of powerlessness and complete humiliation burns hotly in my chest. It's overwhelming, all-encompassing. But my turmoil has not yet peaked. The whirlwind of emotions inside me is dampened thanks to the small part of me that is clings on to rationality and is attempting to rationalize everything.
… Nao isn't the only one who has been acting strange around me. Kanako and mom have also been weird for a while. Ever since Kaaoko went to confront him. In fact, she never did tell me how that turned out-
My mind comes to a screeching halt. A sudden epiphany attacks my brain, one much worse than knowing that my best friend considers me pathetic, one worse still than knowing my girlfriend is cheating on me.
…they… they fucked him too… didn't they?
My brain tries as hard as it can to convince me that it's not true. Why would they? Ayumu is one thing, she's just a friend. Heartbreaking, but it makes sense. Even my girlfriend has an excuse. She is young and naive, and I haven't actually known her for that long. It's feasible that hadn't yet completely fallen for me and was just caught in a moment of weakness.
I'm trying to make excuses for why she cheated. Fuck, Hiroki, you are so pathetic...
…still, what does she see in that unevolved fucker?!
I try to calm down and go back to making sense of things. Kanako isn't that type of woman. Sure, she has always been flirty and a bit of a tease. Even around me, her own brother. But she wouldn't… do that. She cares about me. She cares so much that she went to confront him, because she got so mad at seeing me hurt…
What if that's when it all started? She came home looking like a hot mess.
With increasingly ugly sobs and an increasingly jumbled mind, I continue to desperately look for evidence that my worst nightmare is just that. A bad dream.
Mom is a grown woman. Surely, she would want a man her age. And she loves me too, just like Kanako. And she loves dad. She wouldn't disrespect his memory by replacing him with someone so trashy.
I take a deep breath, feeling on the cusp of a mental breakdown.
What's with all their outings recently? They weren't going to see him, right? Though their response when I questioned them... they acted like there was something funny. Something I didn't know. There was that mischievous, amused look they shared before telling me that if I could guess they would tell me the truth…
I can admit I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but even back then I thought there was something weird about their reaction. Thinking about it now, it's unexplainable unless there really was something going on. They acted like they were in on a joke that didn't include me.
….
I take another deep breath, but it's no use. I'm hyperventilating, a suffocating experience I've never felt before. I get this weird feeling that I'm missing something, one last proof that would make everything clearer. I keep thinking about, almost as if to distract me from the gasps and wet sounds I hear from inside my girlfriend's house. I feel like it's on the tip of my tongue, the last piece of the puzzle…
The video.
…it's a coincidence, right? There were only three girls on it, and it should be four Ayumu is also involved. But the man really did look like him. Not only in his skin color, but also in build. And now that I'm pondering it, the girls did have the same body type as Kanako, mom and my girlfriend.
Their hair was different, though.
…Wigs exist, dumbass.
The moans and gasps that are still on-going just above me only serve as background noise to my spiraling thoughts.
…there are a shocking number of coincidences in that recording. How many videos exist involving a black jackass with his exact physique and three Japanese women with their exact sizes?
In my heart, I know it's true. I make one last ditch attempt to deny it to myself.
... they love me. Okay, maybe Nao doesn't love me anymore... But my own family wouldn't do that to me. Not to me and dad. They wouldn't…
…
…
…
… They would.
Finally, I accept the truth. I can't deny it anymore. I feel as though the world has collapsed. My world, at least. It has teared apart at its seams. Nothing makes sense anymore. Almost like clockwork, my mind goes through the four women in my life that left me behind without a care.
Ayumu… you always looked up to me. So why do I hear you insult my name while moaning with pleasure? You admired me. We were best friends. Childhood friends. In fact, I'm pretty sure you liked me, even if I saw you as something of a little sister. So why?
Kanako… you were the best sister I could ask for. You were the perfect big sister. You never failed to support me in my endeavors. You were there for me. You liked to tease me, but that was born out of your love for me. You did use your body to fluster me more often that I imagine the average sister would, but that doesn't matter. You were my loving sister... so why?
Mom... I admit that I was closer to dad than to you when he was alive. But you rose to the task when he died. I may have tried to be the man of the house, but you were still the adult, the parent. You spoiled Kanako and me rotten, but especially me. You adored me, just like I adored you. Half the reason I'm who I am now is because I wanted to be strong to protect you. To defend you from men… men who are exactly like him. You were my doting mother, my only guardian and parental figure. As tough as I like to act, you were my rock… so why?...
Nao. I've only known you for two years and dated you for one. But that didn't matter. We were each other's first loves. The kind of cheesy high school sweethearts about whom movies are made. I loved you so much. And I can't imagine that it was all fake. You did love me, at least in the beginning. I would have never, ever cheated on you. And I thought you felt the same way. We were perfect for each other. We made others jealous with our perfect relationship, one of the most popular couples in school. So… Why?...
…
Where did I go wrong? Where did I lose everyone I love?
…
I'm a complete disgrace. What kind of man is so weak that he loses his girlfriend to the man who beat him up? His best friend? His sister? His mom? Not only that, but what kind of man is so stupid that it takes him weeks to realize it? What kind of man is so incredibly pitiful that he can't even think of a way to strike back?
…
…
I jacked off to my sister, my mom and my girlfriend being fucked by another man.
The random thought, out of place among my self-loathing, hits me like a truck. I feel disgusted like I've never felt before.
I'm scum….
Wait, why was there a video in the first place?
They put it there on purpose. There is no doubt in my mind, for there is no other rational explanation.
They even teased me about me having porn DVDs, so there's no way that he recorded it without their consent. They knew what they were doing. They knowingly produced a porn video and put it with my stuff with the purpose of having me watch it and jerk off to it…
… my own family and my girlfriend wanted me to see them fucked by my bully and cum to that image.
I can't recognize them. How can they be so cruel? What did I ever do to deserve this? What did I ever do to receive such a twisted punishment?
Do they really believe what they are moaning out right now? Is it actually true? That he is so genetically superior, that I was simply born inferior…. that me being emasculated and humiliated so thoroughly is just the natural order of things? For the weak to get walked over, and for the strong to take what they want? Even if what they want to take is everyone important to me?
To my further heartbreak, the moans above don't stop, and neither do my tears. I'm shaking like a cold puppy in Siberia as I cry my heart out into my hands. I feel like dying. My confidence, my bravado, everything I thought I knew…... It's all gone.
They are gone too. Forever.
Yet again, my mind runs through each woman that stopped loving me. My mind must hate me, since it just makes me feel worse. A pointless exercise in masochism. Still, for once in my life, I don't act and instead I just think. For once in my life, I truly think.
Even if Ayumu doesn't think of me as lowly as those moaned insults would imply, she clearly doesn't look up to me as she used to. She thinks I'm weaker than him… and she would be right.
She obviously doesn't see me as a man or a crush at this point, even if she still holds some affection for me as her childhood friend. Our life-long bond, one that may have even developed into romance had Nao not entered the picture has been severely weakened in the face of a stronger man. She did admire me for my courage and kindness, but strength was very much a relevant factor. And now that I don't have that…. well, why would she still like me?
And as for my girlfr- no, she isn't my girlfriend anymore.
Nao doesn't hold an ounce of respect for me at this point. I don't even need to hear what she's saying in that room a few feet above me to know that she doesn't think of me as her boyfriend at all. She had been distancing herself ever since she met him, and now I know why.
That year of dating where I did my best despite my inexperience to please her seems to have meant nothing the second I stopped being at the top of the social food chain. Which is to say, second, he beat me up. Or perhaps even earlier, but I suppose I will never know. I'm not exactly keen on asking her how long she has been cheating on me. I'm pretty sure he's the only one he has cheated with, or that at least he was her first affair. At no point before meeting him did she act anywhere close to how she has been acting recently.
The thought doesn't give me as much comfort as I hoped it would.
Hell, even Kanako has stopped being friendly with me.
She isn't as cold as Nao and I haven't heard her demean me as I have heard Ayumu, but that's part of the problem. She stopped teasing me. She stopped that friendly sibling banter. Those moments where her gyaru nature came out and she made me blush by acting in such an un-sibling like way have also completely stopped. I can't tell if she felt attracted to me. I can't deny that my hormones and her casual way of dressing around the house made me see her in a way I probably shouldn't. Whatever the case may be, it's obvious by how often she goes out to who knows where that her obsession with him has completely replaced all affection for me. And that includes both the affection an older sister should have for her younger brother and the affection she should not but still used to have.
And then there's mom.
I can't even begin to rank whose betrayal hurt me more, but mom's is definitely the most shocking. For one, she is in her late thirties. She married very young, and she remains young and healthy. But she's still an adult.
Yet she still fell for him.
She has stopped being the caring mother I knew. She doesn't talk to me unless she has to, and she doesn't ask me about my days anymore. Uncomfortably as the thought is, I know she must be sexually frustrated since dad died. And she is admittedly a very beautiful woman. She has carnal needs to…
….. I'm completely depraved.
Though I feel like the lowest lifeform on Earth for even entertaining such thoughts about my own mother, that doesn't change that she abandoned her love for me to have sex with him. Who is a minor, no less. It hurts a lot.
"A-ahh! I'm coming! You feel so good! I love you"
I'm pulled out of my soul-crushing introspection by a particularly loud moan. The content of the scream makes it clear why it was so loud. I care not to figure out if the voice was Nao's or Ayumu's. It doesn't really matter. The end result is the same. I've lost. To him. That foreigner…. it all started because of him.
It's all his fault.
Though I'm firm on how much I despise him, I'm too confused, too devasted, too overwhelmed to sort out my feelings about the girls. About the four woman that betrayed me. A part of me absolutely hates them. Despises them. They betrayed me horribly, after all. And yet….. maybe it's my soft side talking, but I still think they deserved better. I've known them for years, and none of them ever showed signs of being so hopelessly twisted.
Yeah, right. They were good, innocent girls. Fucking bullshit. You were a good little boy too, and that was exactly what caused your downfall. Nice guys finish last, you moron.
For just a moment, an overwhelming feeling of pure hatred and rage takes over myself. I want to hurt them all. Kill them all. Torture them all.
Let's cut the monkey's dick off. No one will fuck a man without a manhood. Let's fuck one of Ayumu's friends in front of her while her friend demeans her, see how she likes it. Let's pay a woman at Kanako's school to beat her up and then send her a sex tape where her bully and I have sex. Let's ump Nao for a hotter girl and deny her sex while she pleads for it and instead give it to the new girl. Let's tell mom she is dead to me and stop protecting her, and then just wait until she inevitably gets raped by some random man since she apparently likes dick so much-!
Just when I'm about to explode from the brew of vitriol inside me, the feeling leaves me as quickly as it came. I'm still heartbroken, humiliated and angry, but more than anything, I feel tired. I take this time to reflect. Maybe if I did more of that and less of being impulsive my life would have turned out better.
….. it isn't actually all his fault.
The whirlwind of emotion hits me again, this time with depressed resignation instead of fury. Somehow, it makes me feel even worse than before.
… I can't blame him for everything. Sure, he was the catalyst, but…. I could have prevented this. If only I acted differently. If only I was more of a man. If only I was stronger…
Pointless as it is, I trace back my actions during this whole ordeal to see what I could have done differently.
…. I shouldn't have insulted him and picked a fight. He had been flirting with Nao, but I should have handled things differently. As always, I let my instincts guide me and lunged at him despite the fact that he was clearly bigger and stronger than me. I was stupid… even my hits were sloppy and rushed. No wonder I lost. I only made him look better and made me look worse by attacking him like that.
…. Even before that, I should have trained harder. I always brag about my strength, saying that I was the strongest at school. It was true then, but that only made me complacent. The second an actually strong man such as him came along, I got humiliated. I was satisfied with being the king of weaklings. Had I kept up with my training, I might have stood a chance.
I shouldn't have neglected Nao. She wasn't as distant as she got when he came along, but now that I'm looking back, I can see that while she was happy enough with me, I didn't fully satisfy her. I was too chicken to make any moves, to try an actually excite her beyond simple ice cream dates. To try and make her not only like me but truly love me and want me. That's something that he exploited, no doubt.
….. hindsight really is 20/20.
As for Ayumu, I also neglected her. I can't believe I didn't see that she had a crush on me. Comparing her attitude toward me before to her attitude now that she has him , it's like night and day. She was still friendly enough and even looked concern about me last time I saw her, but the spark that was there before died. It's a bad thought, but maybe I should have dated her instead of Nao. At the very least, I should have been a better friend. I call her my childhood friend, my best friend in fact, and I still didn't do anything about her feelings for me. I didn't even notice them. I should have tried harder to make her happy. She deserved better from me.
My thoughts turn to my family, and it only gets even more confusing.
…. what should I have done about Kanako? We had a good sibling relationship, right? I always thought so. But… my cowardice was also my downfall there, wasn't it? I let her walk straight into the lion den's… straight into him. She shouldn't have had to fight my fights. I should have stood up for myself, told her that I could beat him alone. Even if it wasn't true, it would have spared us both the humiliation...
…no, that's a lie. I really am selfish, aren't I? I just wanted to spare mysel the humiliation. I just regret letting her go because it made me lose her to him. In any case, that doesn't change the fact that I was too weak. Even in our day-to-day banter, I was weak. She is the older sibling, but I still let her tease me far too much. It almost felt like flirting at times. I wonder what would have happened had I called her bluff one day. She would have backed off, right? She just wanted to make me embarrassed. There's no way she would have actually… done anything with me. Even if I wouldn't have protested too much….
I blush at the thought. Immediately afterwards, I feel even more pathetic and disappointed in myself. Given the situation, getting flustered at the thought of my own sister is just sad. She stopped that behavior a while ago, anyway.
I'll never get to call her bluff and find out if she really meant those comments. Because she doesn't make them anymore. She has a real man to keep her entertained. Who is her little brother compared to that? I'm… nobody…. I let her fall into his clutches. I'm a failure of a brother.
Once again, my mother is the last person to enter my mind. Not because I love her any less than the other three, but just because it's too difficult to comprehend her actions. How did it even start between her and him?
It probably started because she wanted to protect me…. No, please….. don't let that be the case…
In a way, the thought is relieving. She must have fallen for him only because she loved me so much that she went to confront him. And yet… it also means that, for the first time in my life, a man got to her. The worst of them all, in fact. All because I couldn't scare him off. The first man that I couldn't fight off, and he goes straight to making my worst fears come true.
I wasn't strong enough to protect mom…..
…
I wish dad was alive.
…..
He would have protected mom. Protected Kanako. He would have kept the family safe from him. And…. He would have also protected me….
I realize that I'm selfish. At my core, I'm weak and selfish. I'm superficially strong, superficially kind. Even I believed myself to be powerful and selfless. But he came along and proved me wrong.
The thing is… I don't really care. I wish I had been stronger, sure. I still want to be stronger. But I was kind enough, wasn't I? Caring enough. Enough of a good person. I can allow myself to be selfish sometimes, right? To just wish that I could stop being strong for everyone. For mom, for Nao, for Kanako and for Ayumu. They didn't appreciate it, anyway...
…I just wish dad was alive. He was so great. I admire him so much. He is the man I want to be, even though I now know I won't ever get close. I wish he was here to comfort me and hold me in those strong arms, so much stronger than even those of that bastard.
A lone, silent tear slides down my cheek. Just now, I realize that I had stopped crying. It must have happened somewhere along my long self-reflection. I take a moment to stop my self-pity and take a listen. Sure enough, the loud sounds of sex have also stopped. I must have been crying here for a while for them to be finished already. He doesn't seem like the type to have low stamina…
I hate him so much. Fucking black piece of shit….
I take a deep breath and wipe the remaining tears from my eyes. In a numb daze, I stand up.
Since they stopped fucking, it probably won't be long since they come out of Nao's house. I don't want to be caught crying outside her house like the pathetic worm I am….
My self-esteem and confidence have really taken a nosedive. Still feeling somewhat empty inside, I start walking away and in the direction of my own home.
…. I guess I can't even call it that anymore when the people who live there don't love me anymore. Now, it's just the house I inhabit.
As I make the relatively short journey between Nao's house and my own, I come upon a very peculiar spot. It's small forest that remains untouched by humanity. I've always found it strange; 100 square feet of woods that are completely surrounded by urban civilization. I don't quite understand how it has managed to stand untainted, but I'm glad it has. It's right in the middle of my usual commute, and I definitely prefer the sight of trees and nature over boring suburbs. The only man-made thing here is a small bridge built over a similarly small stream running below it. Still, the distance between the bridge and the ground is quite high. Ten feet or so. I stop right in the middle of the bridge and look down at the river.
…. Am I really thinking about jumping? Just because my own family doesn't care about me now? Just because my girlfriend cheated on me? Just because my best friend stopped looking up to me?
I look around. It's quite late now, about 7 in the evening. The sun is starting to set, and there is no one around. No one could stop me if I did jump. If I jumped just right, I could break my neck on one of the rocks that jut out of the water…
What do I even have to live for anymore? My life sucks. I suck. Everything sucks. I just want to die.
…
…
…
No. That's a lie. I don't really want to die. I don't want to let that stupid bastard win. I don't want to stop existing. I just wish…..for a second chance. To go back to before I fought the bastard, before my life went to shit….
…
…..
I won't jump. I have failed before, but I won't be weak anymore. I will keep living. But I know that no matter how well I do from now…. nothing will ever return to how it was before. I won't be able to fix everything, no matter how hard I try. If only I had known what would happen before it went down….
Please, God. I've never been religious, but I beg you. If there's a greater power out there... at least give me strength for the future. I'll keep living, to make dad proud. Since the rest of his family failed him, I won't. Let me be strong. Let him look down at me and see how his son loves him and will bring honor to his name. The honor that his wife and daughter defiled…
I hope I can restore it. I hope I can make him proud. I hope, I hope…
I'm still looking down the riverbank. I'm not afraid of heights, and the sight feels grounding somehow. After a couple seconds, I pull myself back from the bridge's edge and resume my walk towards my house.
With a humorless chuckle, I make an off-hand quip at this supposed higher power that is hearing me.
…. Though, and I hope this isn't too much to ask…...
Make things easier for me and just let me go back in time instead, will you?
Ask and you shall receive.