Chapter 14
Willis Todd had not been a good father. He could have been worse, Jason supposed, but he wasn't by any means good. Alcoholic, negligent, and abusive more than occasionally, there had been times where Jason had just wanted to run and run and never come back… but his mom needed him. And… he loved Willis, he guessed. Love was stupid like that.
The first time he'd seen Finding Nemo, he'd been 9. Watching the entrance with a barracuda eating Coral and the unborn children had convinced him that this movie was hardcore enough to be worth watching. There had been some kind woman who'd seen him on the streets and thought to help him, letting him into her home. She had even let him watch a movie. (When the movie finished he'd run away. It was a Monday, and dad always came home drunk from Sunday nights at the bar on Mondays.)
But before he'd run away, he'd seen the movie and… Just and. Marlin had been… overprotective, sure but Jason wouldn't have minded someone protecting him instead of it being the other way around. Just, you know, every once in a while. Besides, trekking the ocean to look for his lost son? No one loved Jason like that… but he wished someone had. He'd thought back to that movie so many times over the years, just wishing. Childish, foolish wishes, but wishing all the same.
And then one day someone decided he was worth fighting for, worth pulling out of the slums and loving and providing for and Jason had let down his eternal, hardwalled guard under Bruce, and he had been happy. And then he died. But, whatever.
Before dying, he had loved that movie, because then he'd had a father who (it seemed) loved him… maybe not like Marlin loved Nemo, but it was kinda nice to see that protection and wish Bruce showed it more often for Jason Todd, and not just Robin. It felt nice though, after being captured by villain of the month or whatever to have Batman get all big and bad and just beat the snot out of the guy. That had been important, that Bruce would protect him (the first good quality he'd ever seen in a father). And then the Joker had killed him and Bruce hadn't avenged him. But, whatever.
Fishes aside, Willis had been horrible. Jason remembered coming home and time after time receiving beatings, either those meant for himself or those meant for his mother. Most of the time he'd felt like he'd deserved them - Willis had sure been pretty emphatic on that point.
Positive contact, like hugs, had been rare from his father, and because Jason had been a stupid little kid, he had wanted them. Because Jason had been a stupid little kid, Willis had been able to use such affection as currency 'Jay, I gave you a hug you little snot. Don't you think you owe me something in return?'
It wasn't like it had all been like that, Jason guessed… there had been one time they'd done something together. Dad and son, courtesy of inattentive circus goers and the sticky fingers of thieves. There had been a boy there, at the circus. Dick Grayson. Jason had never forgotten the name and had been shocked to encounter the kid later (as his brother no less! (And yeah, they weren't actually brothers until a long time later, but Jason was ignoring that.)
But Jason… Jason had been inspired by the boy on the trapeze. The boy who could fly. The boy who obviously loved his parents and had parents who loved him and didn't let anything keep him on the ground. Jason had wanted, more than anything, to be that boy.
Then he met Batman and the Justice League, and it seemed everyone else was of the same opinion. It was also obvious that Jason was not that boy, and just as obvious as that was that no one was particularly happy about the fact, including Batman.
A better father than Willis Todd, Bruce may have been, but every day, all the time it was: Dick did it like this, Dick did it like that, why aren't you more perfect (see examples under: Dick Grayson). And it didn't make it any easier that Dick stubbornly refused to do anything around Jason, or the Manor, for that reason. Even the Golden Boy, his idol and the one everyone had expected him to become, the one who had inspired a lonely street boy with nothing than a movie about talking fish… even he had no time to spare for Jason.
Jason had supposed that was his fault, taking the blame upon himself and trying harderharderharder. Tried to be perfect so hard that he got himself killed. And then he came back, and suddenly he didn't think it had been his fault anymore. Suddenly Bruce should have been a better father, Alfred had been complacent, and Dick should have BEEN THERE.
Jason had screamed and raged and the world had screamed with him, because he made it, because he needed it too. It was their fault, and all they did was shove him in Arkham, label him crazy, HURT HIM more and more and it wasn't right.
Eventually he had learned that some of it had been his fault. Some. He was a murderer now. Yes, he'd been pit crazed, but not completely out of control of his actions. A lot of the stuff he did as Robin was dumb, and endangered more people than himself. he'd hurt his family, his friends, everyone who'd known him… he deserved hate and scorn.
But still… he had been so, so angry. Because they had mistreated him and expected him either not to know or not to care. And Jason couldn't live with that… but… he wanted his family. He wanted love and acceptance and now he was an older brother? Tim and Damian? How could this be a good idea?
But he wanted a family, and so he reformed as much as he could… but wouldn't let himself be the little boy again. Jason Todd died alone because no one was willing to get close to him, to love him. The Red Hood would die alone because he would never love anyone else, not like they wanted.
Sure, he could play niceynice with Golden Boy, Replacement and Demon Spawn, and sure, he could hold off killing and stay under Batman's roof from time to time, and he did love them… But it couldn't be the same. It just couldn't. He was, deep down, a loner. Call him damaged, call him defensive, but no.
He couldn't trust them the same way, not again. They hadn't earned it, Jason hadn't earned it - nobody was getting it. Never again. Not anyone.