XXX

Seimei awoke to a lot more pain than he remembered having the last time he was conscious, as well as having a good amount of confusion as to why that was. He blinked and quickly realized he was in his own home, laying in his own bed and wearing bedclothes. Based on the fact that his entire body felt like he'd been electrocuted by lightning, however, it was pretty clear that he hadn't merely fallen asleep as one normally would.

"I see you're awake," an unamused voice spoke evenly from his bedside.

Turning his head, he was immediately struck with a feeling of annoyance.

"Lord Yasunori."

Yasunori sighed.

"Well, you're in a good mood."

Seimei really didn't want to deal with Yasunori right then (or at all). He still hadn't forgiven the man for stopping him from completing Hiromasa's final wish, and the two of them had already hated each other on a good day. So, he certainly didn't want him in his bedroom.

"Why are you here?" Seimei questioned, tone rude enough that he hoped Yasunori would take the hint to leave.

"Who do you think it is that fixed your mess?" Yasunori replied, voice still even. "You know, that mission was supposed to be easy since you haven't gone on one in a while. Normally, you would have completed it with no problems. So, do tell me how you managed to almost get yourself killed."

Right. He'd been on a mission. And as he was much of the time nowadays, he had been drunk. Perhaps a little too drunk.

He didn't actually remember what happened.

As such, he didn't answer, but it's not like Yasunori could tell the difference between not answering because he couldn't remember and his usual type of not answering because he just didn't want to.

"I only watched over you this time because of how out of sorts you've been, and had I not, you would have been killed," the lord continued when he got no response. "And it didn't even look like you were trying. You were just stumbling around like a-"

Yasunori paused, mouth remaining open, before he continued speaking.

"You were drunk," he stated flatly, as if he'd just then realized it, which was likely the case.

Seimei neither confirmed or denied the statement, either, which apparently counted as an admission in itself. Yasunori frowned a little.

"Why in the world would you get drunk right before a fight?" the man questioned. "I know you're arrogant, but you're not so arrogant that you'd believe that's a good idea."

Still, Seimei didn't answer, and why should he? It's not like he wanted to confide in someone who'd hated him since they met. Yasunori gave him a little longer to answer this time before he spoke again, though this proved fruitless in getting Seimei to respond.

"I don't understand why you're acting like this," he huffed. "This… It isn't like you."

Of course it wasn't. Because the Seimei that had existed before Hiromasa wasn't the same as the one who existed after him. Hiromasa's presence in his life had been a curse that he couldn't just shake off so easily.

"I understand that you're grieving, but that cannot be an excuse at this point," Yasunori continued sternly. "You're not healthy. You don't appear to be eating much, and you're either not sleeping or not sleeping well. You're clearly drinking too much, and you look unkempt. And your mental state is apparently bad enough that those at court keep gossiping about it."

It wasn't anything that Seimei didn't already know, but he just didn't particularly care about how true it was. Why did it really matter if he was taking care of himself? In particular, why should Lord Yasunori care?

Still receiving no response, Yasunori frowned more.

"Do you really think this is what Lord Minamoto would have wanted for you?" he asked.

Seimei, caught off-guard by hearing Hiromasa's name again, shot him a glare. Apparently satisfied that, despite his general lack of a reply, Seimei was actually listening, he went on with his lecture.

"He was your friend, so I doubt he'd want you to spend the rest of your life grieving him," Yasunori mused. "If he was still here, he would be worried about you."

Seimei's mouth moved before he realized what he was saying, the build-up of emotions breaking his silence.

"Well, he isn't here!"

Yasunori, clearly taken aback by his sudden yelling, had a wide-eyed expression for just a second before smoothing his features back out.

"Yes, he isn't," Yasunori agreed. "And that isn't going to change just because you fall apart."

The man had spoken without much inflection, but the words felt cruel, as if Yasunori had stabbed him deeply and twisted the blade to make it hurt more. He knew Hiromasa wasn't coming back. That's just how dying worked. But that didn't mean that Yasunori had to shove that fact in his face. Seimei wasn't delusional. He wasn't trying to bring Hiromasa back with pouting- he just couldn't control himself or his emotions anymore.

"At this rate, you're going to join him."

Seimei's lip wobbled, and as if to prove just how little control he had over himself, tears began to roll down his cheeks. Wiping them away didn't help, as they were quickly replaced. And though it made him feel like he was losing face, all he could really do was turn away so Yasunori couldn't see.

Again, there was a brief pause, but this time, Yasunori's voice had softened just a little, losing some of the harsh logic it had previously.

"Is… Is that what you want?" he asked, almost sounding unsure. "Are you trying to slowly kill yourself?"

He'd be lying if he said that the thought had never entered his mind since Hiromasa's passing, but he didn't particularly want to admit that out loud. It seemed that his face was still somewhat visible, though, as Yasunori caught his silent grimace.

"No."

That single, stern word was even harsher than when this conversation began, sounding like the kind of 'no' you'd direct at a child who'd asked the same question one too many times in a row.

"No," Yasunori repeated, back to being slightly gentle. "I've already told you- I promised my father to take care of you. I'm not breaking that promise just because you don't know how to grieve without falling apart."

"As if that promise means anything anymore!" Seimei exclaimed, once again pushed to speak. "You know perfectly well that your father was just referring to watching over me as an elder disciple watches over a younger one. Any promise you've made has long-since been fulfilled."

"Is that what you think? Because I don't take my father's wishes quite so lightly."

He really hated this man. What right did he have to put up this farce just because, years ago, his father had asked him to watch over the new kid? No one in their right mind would have taken that agreement to continue on this far into their adulthood, especially not when the two of them weren't even cordial most of the time.

"Well, in that case, congratulations!" Seimei spat, finally looking back at the object of his ire. "Continue to believe what you want. But what are you even trying to do? Why are you here? Do you think lecturing me is going to make me behave any differently? Do you think you can force me into behaving normally?"

Lord Yasunori looked up slightly, as if he was asking the heavens to give him strength, and it just made Seimei feel even more like he was being treated as a child.

"You're being ridiculous," Yasunori told him. "Logically, you know you're being ridiculous. So, clearly, you can't stop yourself, which means something has to be done about it."

"Fuck you."

As rude as Seimei often was, he had never been one to use profanity, even against Lord Yasunori. He preferred more subtle rudeness, feeling that cursing someone out was too crass for his tastes. But he was tired and emotional and in pain, and Yasunori was sitting there calling him ridiculous and looking down on him. Everyone had always looked down on him, even as he became more powerful, and he had been able to comfort himself with the assurance that, as much as they might look down on him, he was still stronger or more skilled than them, so what did it matter? But this was different. Seimei wasn't the stronger person here. He felt like he was weaker than he had been since he was a young child, and Yasunori was chasing him down just to beat him back into his place.

It hurt, and perhaps Yasunori didn't care about that, but that didn't mean Seimei stopped feeling it.

Yasunori took in a very deep breath before responding.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about," he pointed out. "In all the years I've known you, you've never been as irrational or erratic as you have been these past months. This isn't normal, and it's not who you are. Grief is normal. Remembrance is normal. Pain is normal. No one has expected you to simply pretend he never existed. But this reaction is extreme."

Tears were still falling from golden eyes.

"Killing yourself every time a friend dies isn't normal."

He hated this. He hated him. It didn't feel fair that, on top of everything else, this man had to push him like this. Princess Tsuyuko didn't want him to behave like this, but she didn't push him until he broke. She tried to help, sometimes stubbornly insisting, but she didn't insult him. That was the difference, he supposed, between someone who liked you and someone who didn't.

A short sob escaped him, and it just made him feel even worse.

"… You don't understand," Seimei eventually whispered.

"No, I don't," Yasunori agreed easily. "I've never reacted this way when I've lost someone, and before now, neither have you. I don't understand why your grief isn't diminishing over time as it should be, and you're not explaining anything."

Why should he have to explain? He didn't want to, but he was overwhelmed, and he felt ill, and he wasn't in control enough to stop the words from getting blurted out:

"Because I love him!"

XXX

After leaving Seimei's bedroom, still remaining on the premises, Yasunori let out a long, exhausted sigh.

Really, this junior of his was always such trouble. It was just that, usually, the trouble involved his job as an onmyoji. This, however, was clearly something different. Seimei had allowed his grief to completely encompass everything else, to the point where Yasunori really was convinced Seimei would end up dead sooner than later if something wasn't done about it.

After the man's admission, he'd ended up full-on sobbing, curling into himself like a child and refusing to speak on the matter any further. In the end, Yasunori let him cry for a while and then decided to use a spell to knock him out so he wouldn't end up aggravating the wounds he'd sustained on the failed mission. Then, not wanting to spend more time watching the man sleep, he had chosen to sit outside for a while.

Seimei's declaration of love was a bit more than shocking to him. To begin with, they were both men, but in addition to that, he didn't know Seimei even had such interests in the first place. He'd never expressed such a thing before, never courted anyone or even appeared to hold much affection for most people. Granted, Seimei had always been a bit mysterious, but there hadn't been any of that when they were youths, either, back when Seimei was just a little less mysterious.

Certainly, it would make sense for Seimei to hide his feelings if he'd had them, seeing as fancying men would have made him even more ostracized than he already was. But then again, Yasunori had doubts that Seimei did have such feelings before meeting Hiromasa. The man had never really been particularly close with anyone, with the closest things he had to a strong bond being Yasunori's own father and a 'friend'. The former of which was definitely more of a teacher/father-figure type of relationship and the latter of which had been tainted by betrayal and distaste. Even then, those relationships had never seemed as strong as the friendship Seimei had developed with Lord Minamoto.

As strong as their friendship had become, though, that was exactly why Yasunori had his doubts. Seimei had grown up lonely, with few strong bonds. He actively avoided getting close to people, going on about 'curses' that were not quite so literal as the magic they really dealt with. Hiromasa was the first person Seimei had cared for so deeply.

And that made Yasunori wonder whether Seimei had mistaken those feelings, thinking that a strong friendship was the same as a romantic sort of love. But then again… with Seimei acting like this, so unlike himself, could it actually be true? Seimei hadn't fallen apart when Yasunori's father died, nor when he'd been betrayed. Was such an extreme reaction truly reserved for someone Seimei was in love with?

What should he do, then? He disliked Seimei, resented that he overtook him in his father's heart and hated his personality, but things were a bit more complicated than simple hatred. They'd spent much of their youth together, trained together, went on missions together. If anything, their relationship was closest to estranged siblings. And he honestly, truly, didn't wish for Seimei to die.

But, Seimei did seem intent on cutting his life short, or at least, he had gotten so trapped in his own despair that he didn't know how to crawl his way out of it anymore. Yasunori really couldn't have that, though. Seimei was a powerful onmyoji who had, despite his attitude, done a lot for this country, and even if Seimei didn't care about Yasunori's promise to his late father, Yasunori did.

It would be difficult to force Seimei into doing anything, but Yasunori had his ways of getting things done, and he had the ear of the Emperor. It wouldn't be too hard to convince His Majesty that Seimei's recently-failed mission, combined with his generally-unhealthy state, warranted him to be forced into some kind of treatment.

Seimei would hate it.

But that was fine.

His father had never told him he needed to be nice to Seimei.

XXX

Seimei had more-or-less been confined to his house for the past few months, or at least, he was being almost-constantly supervised, especially if he went somewhere, and his motivation to do so wasn't helped by the increased surveillance. After his breakdown, Yasunori had gone and tattled to the Emperor about Seimei's failing mental state and convinced the man that he needed to be babysat. And so, a random string of guards had invaded his house and started watching his every move, stopping him whenever he tried to drink or do anything that might result in him hurting himself. He was sure that the rumors of his insanity hadn't been helped by the fact that those guards had, on multiple occasions, had to stop him from hitting himself, and once, had to stop him from using a sword.

Along with the guards (who he hated), though, a doctor had also shown up, and they were not quite as bad, even though he definitely thought they were at first. They'd prescribed him medications and forced him to eat and take care of himself, and between that, they'd eventually convinced him to talk. And he hated all of it, but something the doctor was doing must have worked, because Seimei's grief began to ebb a little, even if that process happened at a snail's pace.

Even still, Yasunori was lucky that he hadn't shown his face since his 'treatment' started, because Seimei wouldn't miss the next time he threw something at the man.

Princess Tsuyuko came to visit him often, and she thankfully didn't make a big deal of their constant company, and when he went on walks with her, he could almost forget that they were being followed sometimes.

He still felt terrible.

Awful, really.

There was still a hole in his heart where Hiromasa once was, and he didn't think that hole could ever be entirely filled by someone else, but it was a little smaller than it had been before. He felt like he could breathe, at least, even if it was still difficult.

One day, he might feel okay again.

As he approached his destination, Seimei knelt down. He took a moment to collect himself before looking at the stone monument before him. It wasn't his first visit to Hiromasa's grave, but it was his first without an audience.

He breathed in deeply.

"I loved you, Hiromasa," he admitted quietly. "I should have told you when you were still able to hear it. I should have used your name more often, too…"

A soft breeze blew past him, warm in the summer heat, and Seimei continued to speak, saying everything he wished he had spoken aloud sooner.

By the end of it, he was crying again.

But eventually, those tears would dry.

.

.

.

"My Heart Knew the Weight-

Ten Years' Worth of Dust and Neglect,

We Made our Peace with Weariness and Let It Be…"

XXX

That's all, folks! I didn't want to make this TOO long because I feel like it would have gotten really repetitive… Also, I don't really think that forcing someone into treatment is always the best way to go about helping someone, but I also couldn't imagine a scenario where Seimei would actually get mental health treatment of his own volition. So, instead of saving Hiromasa's soul with a talisman, Yasunori drops Seimei into ye olde therapy :3

(P.S., I can't get the italics to work right on this chapter, so sorry. It's annoying.)