Cassie was not dressed for a funeral.
It was not the sort of thing she was considering in the rushed ten minutes she had to debate over what she would be taking from her small collection of possessions. Even if it were something she had thought of she had never attended a funeral before. She wasn't sure she had actually owned clothes appropriate for a funeral.
Not that it mattered. No one else had thought to pack funeral clothes either, most were lucky to have thought to pack more than what they would need for a week or two. They had all believed this was temporary. That they would stay in the Atlanta refugee center for a couple weeks while the government sorted everything out then be back in their homes, back to work and school and normal life like nothing ever happened.
So, no. No one was dressed for a funeral.
Honestly, most hadn't had the time nor energy to change from what they had been wearing all night, still covered in blood and sweat.
Maybe it was a good thing; they still had multiple bodies to place in the graves and then they had to refill the dirt. No point getting cleaned off now only to get covered in blood and sweat all over again. Yet as it was, it hardly felt like a funeral or perhaps that was only how Cassie felt; there were so many dead, so many graves but the only one she truly mourned was Amy.
Cassie couldn't imagine what Andrea must be thinking, what she was feeling. The thought of going on without her mom was unbearable and while it wasn't exactly the same she was sure it felt no different to Andrea.
Living without Amy would change Andrea, maybe even change Cassie or anyone she had interacted with at camp. Someone like Merle or maybe even Shane and Rick might say Amy wasn't essential, that while her death is sad and a loss it's not something that would affect the camp as a whole but they would be wrong. Amy was kind, she was bright and caring and loud about that caring in a way not many are, in that she went out of her way to ask how people were, to make others laugh or bring them into conversations that seemed frivolous but took their mind off the bad things and thoughts.
Amy wasn't a leader; she wasn't a hunter or a mechanic or anything. But she was important. And Cassie thought that even if the others wouldn't notice, her absence will be felt by them all. Their already harsh new world will be a bit darker without Amy's light.
The funeral was chaotic and uncoordinated as all last-minute mass funerals were no doubt. The one good thing about the chaos was that it was so busy that before Cassie knew it the graves were filled back in with dirt, kind words were said, picked wildflowers were placed, and a tense moment of silence was observed before everyone went their own way. Likely to finally wash the blood and grime from their bodies.
Cassie's mom lead her back to their tent and had her help start packing their things back into bags. Jenny observed her quiet daughter, "I'm not going to tell you everything will be okay. We already had that discussion, and you know it's just a platitude." She knelt in the floor so she could bring herself face to face with Cassie. "But Cass, I promise I will always do everything I can to protect you. Everything I do is for you, wherever we go from here that doesn't change; not ever."
She throws her arms around her mom's shoulders and hugs her tight, "We'll protect each other."
Jenny chuckled, pulling back and smoothing Cassie's hair back behind her ear, eyes shining with emotion, "Who's the adult here huh?"
Cassie didn't reply but knew she would do whatever she could to protect her mom too. She would never forget how much her mom has protected her, been hurt and scared in order to protect her for her whole life. It was time for Cassie to start doing some protecting in return.
Once the moment had passed they got back to packing up. They had settled in more than Cassie had realized, gotten used to being here and became comfortable. The bags they had brought here were basically empty and all their belongings were strewn around the tent. Cassie had packed pretty lightly before leaving home yet somehow in the time spent at camp she had managed to accumulate more possessions. There were schoolbooks Glenn had picked up for the kids on one of his runs, as well as small pieces he had brought back that he thought she might like, such as a bead bracelet, a small stuffed unicorn plushie, and a lot of empty candy wrappers. She also had a few of Dale's more kid friendly books dotted around perhaps that had been left over from nieces, nephews or even grandchildren. For all the time she spent on top of the RV with him she didn't actually know much about Dale except that he appreciated some quiet company as much as she did.
Once packed up, they loaded their packs into the RV, Cassie returning Dale books to his shelves then waiting with everyone for Rick, Shane, and Dale to return from their perimeter check.
When they came back they emerged out of the woods looking serious and on a mission. Shane came right up to the group, resting a foot on a log and crouching slightly to get on everyone's level who were sitting around the unlit campfire.
"I've been, uh… I've been thinking about Rick's plan. Now look, there are no… there are no guarantees either way. I'll be the first one to admit that. I've known this man a long time. I trust his instincts. I say the most important thing here is we need to stay together. So those of you that agree, we leave first thing in the morning."
And that was that.
…
The only thing Cassie and her mom had to do the morning after was roll their sleeping bags up and collapse their tent, having packed their belongings the day before. They could only hope they wouldn't have to get the tent out again, that the CDC would be somewhere safe to stay and they wouldn't have to rely on flimsy plastic for protection. It is a nice thought. Cassie doesn't have much confidence in it, when had anything ever gone her way after all.
It seems everyone else had done most of their packing the day before as well, everyone was up and ready to get on the road in half an hour. Cassie hesitantly approached Daryl, he was twitching in place slightly as he waited, eyes darting around the edge of the tree line, down the road out of the quarry and back to the trees again. Cassie might have simply thought him impatient but the gradual slump of his shoulders curving incrementally with every passing glance Cassie observed more disappointment than impatience and it didn't take a genius to figure out what Daryl hoped for as unlikely as it was… and as bad of an idea it would be if Merle did suddenly emerge from the trees or come up the road.
"You're coming with us right?" Cassie asked, so quietly she thought he hadn't heard her for a moment as he didn't reply. She would have repeated it louder but then his twitching stopped and his eyes, though they didn't turn to her, were now keeping a steady gaze on the tree line rather than jumping from place to place.
"Where else would I go kid?" He finally replied gruffly.
She could have said, wherever Merle is? After all, if her mom was gone she'd be looking for her, but she feared saying it would send him away doing just that.
She decided against saying anything and simply gave Daryl a decisive nod and quickly walked away, at least content and feeling safer now knowing that Daryl would be coming with them.
When Cassie returned her mom held up one hand, showing off some car keys. "We're taking Tristan and Mallory's car."
Cassie cast her a dubious look, unsure about the morality of taking someone's car, even if or maybe especially if it's from the dead.
Her mom nodded, reading the thoughts on Cassie's face and looking contrite, "I know, but they don't need it anymore baby and we really really do."
Shane interrupted any further thoughts Cassie might have had on this one way or another with loud claps, his booming voice cutting through the chatter and pulling everyone's attention to him.
"Alright everybody, listen up! Those of you with CB's, we're gonna be on channel 40 but let's keep the chatter down, okay? Now you got a problem, don't have a CB, can't get signal, anything at all, you're gonna honk your horn one time. That'll stop the caravan. Any questions?"
Morales spoke up immediately as though he had been anxiously waiting for the right opportunity to say something.
"We're- Uh. We're not going." Anxious though he may have been, his voice was steady and sure when he finally got it out.
No one looked surprised when Cassie looked around to gauge the reaction- disapproving and judgemental sure- but not surprised. Perhaps Morales had spoken about his families' intentions to leave with some of the camp, or maybe after a walker attack on the camp and now Jim's bite, the group was just less surprised in general or at least cared less about decisions that didn't really affect them so much.
"We have family in Birmingham. We want to be with our people." Morales wife, who Cassie had never even heard speak said.
Well, them leaving wouldn't make much difference to the group but it would certainly affect the Morales. So many people died in camp during the walker attack and that was with a large group, guns, and knives. How were they going to protect themselves out there with just two adults and two kids who from what Cassie could gather from their limited interactions, were not equipped to take care of themselves out there in the slightest; not that she had a leg to stand on there but at least she had a whole group of adults surrounding her.
"You're on your own. You won't have anyone to watch your back." Shane pointed out.
"We'll take the chance. I got to do what's best for my family." Morales said.
Cassie couldn't see how leaving a group that could help protect them and the kids for a small chance they'll find the rest of their family in Birmingham is best for Morales' family but what could a child say that would change anyone's mind, especially when they are so set on making bad choices.
Rick clearly felt similarly when all he added to the discussion was a half-hearted, "You sure?" and then an easy acceptance when Morales' confirmed that they had talked about it and this is what they were doing.
He handed Morales' a gun and ammo before everyone came forward to say their goodbyes.
Eliza, Morales' daughter, went straight to Sophia and started crying causing a chain reaction in Sophia who immediately joined in sobbing. Cassie hadn't thought they were that close but she supposed her avoidance of the other kids likely meant she missed a lot.
The girls hugged tightly, saying their goodbyes to each other quietly before pulling back so Eliza could hand Sophia her doll. Now that did surprise Cassie. Eliza had clung to that doll every second of every day since at least the day Cassie met her and likely a lot longer too.
The girls separated and walked away, still crying but visibly trying to rein it in.
Cassie got a more subdued goodbye from both the kids but then she never really bonded with them much. Yet watching them give teary goodbyes made her heart hurt, whatever happened next she would never see them again. Maybe they'd get to Birmingham and find their family, maybe they wouldn't, maybe Cassie would get to the CDC with their group or maybe she wouldn't but whatever happens to either group, the others will never know the outcome. Would Cassie still wonder weeks, months, years down the line what ever happened to the Morales' family? Will she forget about them eventually? Will she even live wonder or forget anything at all?
As the Morales' family leave ahead of them with the group watching them go Cassie overhears Shane turn to Rick, "What makes you think our odds are any better?" then call out louder to the rest of the group, "C'mon! let's go!"
Cassie thought their odds were better though; they had a bigger group, more guns, more vehicles. Surely they were better off… right?
She climbs in the car next to her mom, feeling unsettled.
The feeling never left her, even as they drove on and on; Cassie couldn't shake off the feeling of impending, inevitable doom.
Her thoughts ping ponged from the attack on the camp, to Jim suffering in the RV right now, when would he turn? Then to where they were going, would they get to the CDC in time to save Jim? Would they ever get there at all?
They had meant to get to the Atlanta safe zone and never made it.
Maybe the CDC was already overrun or even completely empty, utterly abandoned.
They ended up stopping a couple hours into the journey, pulling off at the side of the road when the RV honked their horn. Cassie thought they were already there for a moment but there wasn't anything where they had stopped, never mind a massive building.
People started jumping out their vehicles and gathering on the grass along the road.
"Wait here, Cass. I'll see what's going on." Her mom joined the others, too far away for Cassie to hear what was being said even when she cracked the window slightly. There was no point her sneaking out the car and trying to get close enough to overhear something, she'd be spotted immediately.
Taking in her surroundings Cassie caught eyes with Sophia and Carl looking back at her from their car, they were much closer to the adults grouped outside and from the looks of their faces could likely hear what was being said too and it didn't seem good.
Sophia looked shocked and fearful, pale face visible even from a distance and Carl was seemingly straight faced and serious looking yet not old enough or rather experienced enough yet to hide the sadness and confusion. Whatever the adults were discussing was a BIG deal.
Cassie wished she was close enough to hear. She knew the adults wouldn't want kids to know difficult or painful things but how was it better to be sitting here knowledgeable enough to know awful things were happening yet ignorant of what they were or how it might affect her.
She had had enough of ignorance and helplessness. She wanted to know.
Cassie opened the car door, jumping out and heading straight for the group. She wasn't being quiet or trying to hide, it wouldn't work anyway.
Before she even reached them, her mom broke off and met her half-way with a pained look on her face.
"Cassie, I told you to wait in the car." She started, exasperated.
"What's going on?"
"We're just discussing the route we're going to take. Go back to the car."
"But-"
"Please Cass." Her mom said, almost desperate.
Realizing she isn't going to get any answers and she certainly isn't going to be allowed to stay Cassie shot a look at Sophia and Carl in the nearby car.
"Can I at least go sit with Sophia and Carl?" she asked her mum timidly, "I- I just- I really don't want to sit all the way over there on my own."
Cassie's mum softened, giving Cassie a comforting hug, "That's a good idea, and maybe while you're there apologize to Carl for blowing up on him. He's only trying to be your friend, Cass.
Abruptly Cassie recalled her last interaction with Carl where she had freaked out on him, though to be fair he was always in her face. It's not just him trying to be her friend, he wasn't so bad in the beginning, bubbly and over-friendly but lately he has been pushy and acts like he wants to be in charge of the kids in camp like his dad is with the adults and she imagines he'll only get worse now there is less kids in the group. Sophia and the Morales kids are all so timid and all too happy to follow Carl's lead and do as he say but Cassie would really rather he just left her alone if he was going to try to tell her what to do or dictate to her.
Too late to turn back now she hugged her mum and then went to join the others in the car, hesitating briefly with her hand on the door before forcing herself to open it and jump in right next to Carl with Sophia on his other side.
In the awkward silence Cassie decided that actually she wouldn't be apologizing, ignoring the problem until things were less awkward sounded much preferable. Instead, she decided to do what she came here for in the first place.
"So what have they been saying?" she whispered, avoiding direct eye contact with Carl.
"…They're just talking about the plan for when we reach the CDC." Carl whispered back.
Cassie knew that wasn't the entire truth, would have known it even without Sophia visibly jolting and giving Carl a confused look as he spoke.
Deciding she needed to see his face she finally turned to look at him to determine why he wasn't telling her, was he angry at her for yesterday or was this something else?
It turned out avoiding looking at him in the first place had been pointless, he was clearly just as invested in avoiding eye contact as she had been. Carl was staring at the laces on his boots as though they were the most fascinating things to have ever existed and if he looked away for even a moment would untangle themselves and slither away like snakes.
"Carl." She said, her voice hard now, "Tell me."
"You don't need to hear it; it isn't a nice."
"This." Hissed Cassie, "This is the kind of thing that makes me get so mad at you! You don't get to decide what I can or cannot handle knowing or doing, you want to be the leader of me and Sophia just because your dad is taking over being leader of the group, well you're not."
He let out the most aggravated sigh she had ever heard as he finally looked up at her, his eyes have a sheen that causes Cassie's heart to clench in regret, as much as she thought he needed to hear it and stop trying to tell her what to do, she still didn't want to actually hurt him. He spat out, "They're talking about whether they should kill Jim or not since he clearly isn't making it to the CDC."
"That's not what they said." Sophia blurted out, head snapping up from staring at the floor to look at Carl with wide eyes before turning to Cassie, "Jim asked to be left here, Shane said it wouldn't be right but Lori said it's not his choice, its Jim's choice."
"So… we're leaving Jim behind?" Cassie asked, peering out the window to see the adults had left their cluster and were entering the RV where Jim was residing.
Once again the kids were left watching the adults through a window as they dealt with the dead… or soon to be dead this time.
Rick and Shane were supporting Jim between them as they maneuvered out the RV and over to a large tree where they let Jim slump into a seated position on the roots with the trunk supporting him. Others approached, it seemed as though people were saying their goodbyes and Cassie wondered if they should be too, but what would she even say to Jim anyway?
'Goodbye, I'm sorry you're dying but also happy it's you rather than anyone else in the group and I never did like you much.'
That thought really did make her feel awful then. Not because she felt bad for thinking something so terrible but because she didn't really feel bad for thinking it at all.
Amy's death was heartbreaking and hurt to even think about, if she were given the choice between Amy or Jim being alive she would choose Amy in a second. It made her wonder who else would she trade for someone else's life in the group?
Her eyes drifted to her mom outside, kneeling by Jim. She would trade anyone's life for her mom's. Not that that was something she could do, it was all hypothetical, but would it always be? One day would she have to make a decision like that? Could she when it came down to it?
For her mom, she was sure she could do anything.