Sara Lance – The Awakening

Laurel tried to kill herself, it reverberated in Sara's head like the deep sound of a gong.

"You're wrong," was the first thing Sara said. Her mouth in a straight line, her eyes piercing and suspicious. "You have to be wrong, Laurel would never…"

"Really?" Felicity shot back, turning in her chair to face Sara, her voice a few pitches higher than she would have liked. There were a million things on her tongue, "That's what you're going with?"

"Felicity…" Diggle spoke up on the speakers. "I have to tell Oliver."

"No, no, you don't and so help me, I will fry your phone remotely if you try and you will have to pay extra for cable for the rest of your life. We will talk later. Now it's Sara's turn," she said quickly, decisively, and turned for a second to her desk to shut down their line of communication. Then she took a deep breath and got up to face Sara. "There's about a million things I have to say to you."

"Starting with that my sister tried to kill herself?" Sara's nearly scoffed; she didn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it.

"Will you stop?!" Felicity felt like screaming. "This is exactly why I didn't tell any of you when she was still here. You treat her like a chair, a cabinet, hell, worse than a cabinet, because when Oliver broke the doors off one, he actually put a new hinge in," it just fell out – word after word. Frustration and disappointment and all the nights of not enough sleep and regrets that she had had these past weeks. She had never met Laurel, but she hurt with her and it astounded her how the people who would claim to love Laurel most just… didn't.

Felicity took a calming breath. Her own guilt was mixed in with her reaction, she knew she was not being constructive, but these had been long weeks and a heavy burden.

Sara stood, mouth slightly open – astounded by the verbal assault from Felicity who was usually so cheerful and naïve, and happy. "She is my sister," Sara asserted her ground. It is none of your business, is what she meant.

"And that is what makes it so disgusting," Felicity shot back. "What did you think? That you can continue to pull your crap and she'll forgive you, take the blame and move on and it'll all be ok? People are not fucking ammo cabinets. A hinge will not fix it. People will say they are okay to your face, they will say that it is not your fault even when it is and then they will fucking die, because it is just too much for one person to bear, and you will be left wondering what the hell did you miss when you had the chance," somehow she was crying by the end of it. Cooper.

"Felicity," Sara lost her combative stance, she approached carefully – hands stretched out. "What is going on with you?"

Felicity laughed through the tears. Pushed her glasses away to dry her cheeks. "You ask me that, but… Did you ask your sister? I mean, really. I…," she took a ragged breath. Shook her head and moved away – she didn't want comfort from Sara. "I meant what I said. I mean, a lot of it is because…," she worried her bottom lip, thinking about it for a moment, but then deciding to let a demon out of her closet too, "I had a friend. Long story short – he killed himself, and I missed it. And I've regretted it ever since."

Sara nodded solemnly but looked confused. "I'm sorry to hear that, but what does that…" have to do with Laurel.

"Because she tried to kill herself," Felicity interrupted her. "The night she went missing – when we were all looking for her. I eventually found her – she was trying to go over Star Bridge."

It took a moment for the full weight of the details to land on Sara. Her expression twisted, no. She took an unconscious step back as if it would hold the knowledge at bay. That night… That was the night in her apartment, the dinner. "Why didn't you say anything?" she demanded, the realization she had brought emotions with it that were too complicated, so she opted for anger. "It's been weeks!"

"And look how you reacted!" Felicity pointed in her direction. "Do you even remember how you acted when she was missing? You keep denying that anything can ever be wrong with her," she spat, renewed strength in her own anger that waned at the end of her speech, because – oh. Suddenly Felicity understood. Her shoulders sagged. "I'm sorry, Sara."

Sara frowned, "You should be, what if something had happened in the meantime?" she rolled forward with indignation.

"That's not what I'm sorry for," Felicity replied softly. "You'll have to figure it out for yourself and I'm sorry in advance," she said. Then steeled herself as she continued, "As for why I didn't say anything earlier – Laurel was found. She was with Thea. I figured she deserved some peace and regrouping, because she was not going to get any support from you guys." You are just too messed up. And as she thought it – she realized it was true of them all, of John, of Oliver, of Sara. And me too, I guess.

"Diggle's right," Sara changed direction. "Ollie should know."

Felicity felt frustration mounting again. "Yet he won't hear it from you."

Challenge was clearly visible in Sara's face.

Felicity snorted, "You may be a ninja, but you cannot teleport and I'm the tech girl, so you can frown all you want at me, and it still isn't going to happen."

Sara heard her teeth grinding, she clenched her jaw so hard. "What is it that you want?"

Felicity felt herself deflate like a popped balloon, "For you not to make the same mistakes that I did," she said, full of heart. For you not to know how it feels.

"I won't, ok? Done," Sara shrugged. To her the past few years had been about life and death and torture. Optimal problem solving. Her heart had never grown, because she would never have survived with it. It wasn't that she actively didn't want to understand. She just didn't know how.

Felicity shook her head feeling like she had bashed it against the wall. Uselessly. "I can't, I can't deal with you right now. I have to go to the office anyway." Her temples throbbed, she felt hot – heated from the strength of the argument and now exhausted with lack of apparent result.

IKYWT

Sara watched Felicity leave and honestly, she felt just as frustrated as Felicity looked. She really didn't understand. She had gone through hell. She had paid for the stupidity of getting on Queen's Gambit. It was all dead and gone and in the past. She had even refrained from returning to Starling so not to upset and overwhelm Laurel – and when she did - her preference had been to stay hidden and never reveal herself! To protect her sister from the shadows.

And then she did reveal herself, and they tried to be a family, and she and Oliver… Ugh. Sara grunted, feeling like kicking something. This time was not the same as last time. First of all – Oliver and Laurel hadn't been together in ages as far as she knew. Second of all – Oliver and Laurel couldn't hope to understand each other now. Laurel had no business in the darkness where Sara and Ollie lived. And Sara… She had been in love with Oliver. She frowned, realizing that the thought was in past tense.

She had gotten on the Queen's Gambit, because she had been young and stupid, and in love. She had gotten together with Oliver now, because they both lived in the shadows, they had history that they couldn't hope to explain and… because I was in love. Am in love. Sara frowned as Nyssa's face flashed across her mind.

The walls felt like they were pressing in on her so Sara turned on her heel and left the Arrow Cave.

IKYWT

Huh. She startled a little, realizing where her feet had taken her. She'd passed through the Glades, had been past the yacht club where she had gotten on Queen's Gambit and now the setting sun caressed her face as it set on the horizon. Light wind pulled at her jacket. But then again, there was always wind on the Star Bridge.

"What were you thinking?" she muttered as she laid her hand on the railing. Sara's steps were slow as she made her way across the bridge. "What could have been going through your mind?"

She asked the question to the wind. She couldn't imagine what possible reason Laurel would have had… She didn't want to believe it. "We were gone. Mom ran. Dad turned to booze and you…," she continued the conversation with herself as she worked through it. "You shrugged it all off like it was nothing. Like you always do. You straightened out dad. You finished law school and then, of course, you became a lawyer for those in need and a damn great one," a Sara before Queen's Gambit would have recounted this with some envy, but Sara as she was now felt only pride for her sister. "You always pull through."

Laurel was always perfect Laurel. Sara had changed enough that it didn't threaten her as it had before. It just made her completely disbelieving at what Felicity said. "I just don't get it. It doesn't make sense," she stopped in the middle of the bridge and rested against the railing.

Unless… Sara frowned as she thought of how she couldn't afford to show any cracks in her façade in the League of Assassins. And Nyssa thought that everything was perfect… And Sara had been willing to ingest poison and die rather than go back. "Oh god," she gasped, feeling like she had been punched in the stomach.

She knew how it felt to have no way out. She knew how it felt to pretend that everything is okay. Suddenly it wasn't a mystery, suddenly it was very clear. The impossible pedestal in her mind upon which her sister sat – shattered. Years had passed and in her head Laurel hadn't changed – in childhood Laurel was always the one to grasp things quicker, make friends, be the teacher's favorite; in teenage years Laurel had been the most popular girl in school and then the student body president; then the universities came calling and always, always, always it was Laurel and… Sara had felt like she could never compete, like her sister was inhumanly perfect and everything always worked out.

But Laurel was human. And if she was human then she could be hurt. Then she couldn't just brush it all off. So, while Sara had been putting on one mask after another on Lian Yu and Nanda Parbat, Laurel had been doing that right here in Starling, in plain sight and nobody noticed, because… "Because we're used to perfect Laurel. Because we need the perfect Laurel."

But after everything – Sara knew better than most – that there was no one who was perfect. Without cracks. Not even the Heir to the Demon. Her knees buckled and she collapsed like a broken thing, her hands sliding against the railing. "Oh god, oh god, oh god," she cried as she realized, I was to Laurel what League of Assassins was to me. Better to die, to get away from it.

She clutched the railing, her fingers nearly white from the force. Her sister had almost gone over the side here. She had almost lost her.

She had almost lost her sister. And not because of any threat that had made her come back to the city to protect her family, but… Me. I'm the threat.

She cried with force she had forgotten she had in her. She cried with guilt. And relief. Because Laurel was okay. Laurel was with Thea. Laurel would come back, and Sara still had a sister.

When people stopped by to ask if she was okay, Sara smiled, lopsidedly, and assured them that she would be. Strangers now show me more kindness than I did to her… It broke her to realize this.

She had always believed that there was nothing she could give Laurel, because Laurel had everything, Laurel was strong, Laurel was… But she now realized that she was wrong. Even strong people need other people. Her tears flowed, but with less violence. The realization turned cathartic as she vowed to herself to do better.

And as her breath calmed, she realized another thing. Nyssa. How Nyssa had to have felt when Sara swallowed poison. When she released me from the League… Cold dread shot through her. But that was something she would have to mend later, if it even could be fixed.

When Sara found strength to stand again, her feet took her to the train station. Within the hour she was on the train to Central City. She had a long overdue conversation with her mother.