CHAPTER XLV
With an old broomstick found by the well and ready to go back, the soldier managed a perfect balance of the buckets over his shoulders, making it easier for him to carry the cut-up firewood under his arm. Not that he'd needed to, considering there was plenty in the storage room, but that'd bought him some time to collect his thoughts, especially to control the damn impulses, or he'd mess up like he did two hours ago. A tricky endeavor whenever Elia was involved, for every emotion intensified a thousand times, good and bad ones, and his jealousy was no exception.
Keepin' your hole shut wasn't so hard, you know? his caustic inner voice remarked.
To be fair, he'd tried but his blood boiled the second he spotted that prat waiting for her; smashing his face 'til the thing was unrecognizable was all he wanted then. However, as soon as he saw her leaving the hospital, pale and all tuckered out, the anger subsided, replaced by worry. Therefore, waiting for that moron to buzz off was all he could do if he wanted to talk to her, but seeing him set foot inside her house brought the rage back, even when the visit didn't last long.
After musing what to do for almost an hour, and aware that he was in no condition to discuss anything, the idea of bringing her here hit him. So, he waited another hour and, using the spare key she'd told him about, Levi went inside to leave a note. It was then he noticed the place wasn't as tidy as normal, probably stressing her out a lot more, reason why he spent most of the night cleaning and organizing it, which had also helped him relax.
When he looked straight ahead and glimpsed light coming through the trees, a long, tired sigh escaped him.
Elia... the sound of her name, even for himself, was as harmonious as the crackling of the dancing flames from the fire she'd started.
Stopping right outside the small clearing where they'd camped, he contemplated everything in silence. From the pieces of bread and ham she'd skewered and put to roast, to the teapot onto a pile of medium-sized rocks next to the fire that, judging by the steam coming out of it, it'd soon be ready. Nonetheless, the view he enjoyed most was of her, sitting cross-legged over a thick, blue blanket laid on the floor, focused on peeling carrots, and slicing them on a plate next to what seemed like green apples. Modest food for sure, yet a feast to his senses because of her presence: the company he'd longed but denied himself for weeks. And given how he'd treated her, including nearly extinguish her life, he couldn't comprehend how was this possible.
She doesn't look antsy or bugged, he concluded, as still as a statue.
Oh, but she might as well be, and you know it… the miserable bastard in him warned.
True. Never beating around the bush and shit to deal with unpleasant things was more like her, with diplomacy and an iron determination obviously; the fact that she wasn't prone to fits of anger nor a bad temper didn't mean she wasn't upset. But of course, the healer's excessive politeness made it hard to guess.
Quit stolling! his conscience yelled, using Farlan's voice.
I'm not, he retorted, sulkily.
Yeah, you're totally chickening out over a girl... his friend mocked, making him wish he could kick his ass, just because deep down, he wasn't wrong.
On one hand, he wanted to tell her everything and at the same time had no idea how or where to begin. Even more so when he wanted to let her know he wouldn't stand in her way, whether she forgive him or not.
You won't find out by just standing there… the guy pointed out, urging him to move with his persuasive optimism.
"Piss off!" Levi barked and toughened up, not blind to his grim prospects.
Shaking his head to clear his mind, the soldier finally emerged from the bushes, making an effort not to look her in the eye.
"Come again?" the woman may have heard his outburst, but the light tone implied only his voice, not what he said, "Is there someone nearby?" he realized she was ready to flee had that been the case.
"No. Just a pesky buzz I had to get rid of" the man said, giving her a few logs to fuel the fire, and left the rest along with the buckets next to the tree were their bags hanged.
Having washed his hands, he drew in a long breath, letting it out slowly before taking his place at the opposite side, imitating her posture.
Tea… Levi closed his eyes for two seconds, marveled by its delicious smell, as well as the food's, mixed in the air with a bunch other around, putting him at ease. Well, that and how familiar everything felt.
"Guess it's pointless asking how you knew I was starving" Levi commented, focused on her hands, pouring the dark liquid inside an old, yellow enamel mug, suspecting she probably saw more than that.
"I figured you wouldn't dine. Not when we'd be riding afterwards" she explained as she went to hand that to him, along with a thin aluminum plate for the food.
The soldier took both, careful not to touch her. Not because he didn't want to but because he feared another reaction like the one outside the stables.
"Add one tedious meeting to that" he said and took the first sip, savoring an infusion that unexplainably tasted better than ever "What about you?"
As much as he wanted to know more and complain about the hug she gave to that drooling idiot, the soldier followed his instincts not to, for he'd been warned; under that apparent calm and cordiality, Elia was on guard.
"Since I woke up past noon, I jumped straight to lunch" she shared, nibbling a slice of green apple, making him gulp and internally curse "After that it was mostly putting my room in order and take care of what little laundry was left".
Who's the drooling idiot now? his inner voice pointed out sarcastically when he forced himself to stop staring at her lips.
"I see" he mumbled and placed his mug by his side before stretching his neck to put himself together, glad to note she was observing their surroundings.
Leaning forward, the man grabbed two exquisitely roasted pieces of ham and bread, and put them on his plate, dedicating himself to savor his meal, which she clearly didn't mind. It's always been like this between them, not needing inconsequential chatter because these pauses in conversation were never awkward.
Minutes passed with no other but the sound of the trees swaying smoothly. Well, that and the murmur of nocturnal life in the quiet of the night, minding their own business despite their presence, curious but clever enough not to get close.
"Father once told me that freedom is bound to the simplicity of things" he watched the healer leaning back a little, supporting the weight of her torso on her palms against the floor. She then looked to the starry sky "After a long time, I think I get what he meant" although there was no smile, her peaceful demeanor managed to cure his own restlessness.
"Maybe. But I believe it's meaning depends entirely in each person" he said and chug-a-lugged the rest of his beverage, thinking about his uncle and how he considered everyone to be enslaved by these things "That's what makes it so complex and impossible in most cases. People rarely get it because there's always something else they want, so the search never stops".
"Yeah, that's probably right" she responded and closed her eyes, yet this time she smiled "In any case, it's not exactly what was in my mind".
Her features softened exquisitely, and the warm light coming from the flames, somehow gave her an ethereal appearance. As if the woman fit in a place like this, surrounded by nature and not the gray of the city. And it was only nighttime! He could hardly wait to the morning, when dew would cover everything, making the vegetation seem greener and livelier than any other time of the day. In truth, it was a moment he continuously looked forward to since they started their trips, but given those had been strictly to train, he never had a chance to relish them; how lovely Elia looked with her glorious, loosened hair, a shy smile, pink cheeks, and those bright, breathtaking eyes saluting him. Now, having longed for her so bad, fearing it'd be the last time, this felt like one final gift.
She's like those magical creatures that only exist in children's tales… he thought, recalling the few his mother had told him, long ago.
Absorbed as he was, Levi hadn't realized he'd remained silent for longer than usual, making her turn to him. She'd been about to say something, but a flush crept up her face the moment she met the intensity of his gaze.
"Please don't mind me. I was rambling" she quickly got up and moved to the trees, to the edge of the clearing where he'd left the buckets, to wash her hands, breaking the spell in which she'd unconsciously put him under.
By the time she took her seat again, the blush was gone, and the woman's dignified expression showed how ready she was to finally hear him talk, thus, prolonging this crappy wait made no sense, especially when the idea of keeping her awake for hours was out of question, for she still seemed burned out.
"You'll enlist, won't you?" he knew the answer already, but needed to confirm it before anything else.
"I assumed you summoning me here wasn't about that either" the woman answered, somewhat frostily, seating straight while squinting her eyes. As expected, she was on the defensive.
"Don't worry. Not planning on being an ass again" as soon as he said it, suspicion got replaced by perplexity.
"Then yes. I… I will" she kind of stuttered, unsure about his erratic behavior "I've never enjoyed what you and my sister had to do but I understood the reasons, respected them, so the least I ask in return is the same, because I'll do it, whether you like it or not. Although, having your support would mean a lot".
"I know. I get it now. I may be slow in all this, but I was fortunate enough to run into an unavoidable truth: solidarity and commitment are two of the many traits I've admired in you, and I stupidly stepped on them" he clenched the grass so hard he ripped it from the ground "You were right, Elia. I'm a coward. A selfish bastard who doesn't even deserve your presence here, let alone…"
"I'm sorry I called you that" the sadness in her tone made him look up, noting the distress in her eyes for having called him a coward "You just know how to truly infuriate someone".
"Let me finish" he asked, not without a mild smile that acknowledged her statement, and she nodded in return "Your accusation wasn't mistaken. I am a coward, at least when it involves you, I am" he confessed, losing himself in the gray of her eyes that stared back with flared pupils "But I dragged you here 'cause there's something I must tell, something I couldn't control and ignore but it's hard to explain 'cause… damn it, finding the freaking words ain't easy. Somehow, they aren't enough, and yet…"
Once he realized how attentively she listened, he clammed up, pulling another handful of grass out from how hard his grip was. Not once in his life he'd been this ridiculously nervous, afraid even, unsure of himself. He knew he could exist without her, go on with his poor excuse for a life; problem was he didn't want to, and yet had no clue how to word it out. He felt like the biggest fool, vulnerable and exposed in an unfamiliar way, one his strength, abilities and wit couldn't solve. He wasn't much of a talker, and describing his feelings sounded even harder, but he needed to explain everything to her. He owed her that at least.
Damn, how do you do this? he asked himself, turning his face the other way, troubled by this annoying self-awareness, the shame at his stupid actions and his own insignificance. He looked down, at a loss. He wasn't sure how to say it; as fucked up as it sounded, he feared having forgotten how to speak, though the hard lump in his throat was the one to blame. Well, that and Kenny.
Don't forget this: love is a deceitful feeling, brat. Makes ya think it can solve anything, but in the end, all you're left with is the bitter taste of treason. So, the day you feel the need to trust your pathetic self in someone that deep, it'll mean you're getting weak, and you must fight it…
His mentor had claimed long ago, but few years beside his mother and old friends had shown him that wasn't entirely true, not with the right people, and every day at Elia's side had proven so; how powerful the feeling was, not misleading him to believe life was a piece of cake. No. On the contrary, it'd taught him that, no matter how ugly things could get, she was there for him, giving him hope.
Caught up in his ruminations, he completely missed when she'd moved to go sit a few inches beside him. It was a sudden breeze to his left, mixed with her scent, that got him snapping out of it. She was hugging her knees with her eyes on the fire when he turned.
"You love me" those words weren't the reason his heart filled with joy, but the sweetness with which she'd said them, as well as the understanding soft smile that came afterwards "You think I didn't know?" Elia asked, and this time his pupils dilated in both, amazement and shock.
"I… I…" great, he was stammering now. He'd feared this would be the hardest to say compared to the rest. Still, he couldn't figure how she knew "How…?"
"Being with someone is also learning, and with you I've discovered that words are often unnecessary" the woman tilted back her head and stared at something far away with a thoughtful expression "You see, I've known several couples professing their love publicly, but not long after it's all over, showing me how weak their bond was. That's why it's okay if you couldn't say it before, if you want to say them now, or maybe never… it's okay because I know you do" the heartwarming expression she dedicated him right then made him blush. He could feel his cheeks burning yet there was no trace of amusement in her eyes "Saying I love you means nothing if you don't make that person feel loved, and you've exceeded yourself, Levi. The way you've given yourself to me, and I don't mean only physically" she was right. Not once he'd connected this deep to any other soul, talking about his past, about his mother "… And well, there's also how you behave around me, like last night. I'm sure you were mad, but you still looked after me without being asked. That's caring for someone, even more so to see that in spite of our fights, you do listen and respect me as an equal. You want to protect me, but the day you decided to train me let me saw not only you considered me capable, but also strong to fend for myself. And so there have been plenty more ways you've demonstrated how important I am to you; how you look at me, your caresses, your kisses..."
She had no need to keep listing those for he knew so very well, especially when they laid together, where pleasing her was something that gave him far more satisfaction than his own, because he never imagined himself capable of it. To a man like him, being touched by those wonderful healing hands while fusing their bodies represented the heaven he thought he'd never be allowed in. It was a gift he never expected.
"Plus, it's obvious with all your efforts to push me away, to keep me safe. Although, I suspect that was also to punish yourself somehow".
"And here you are, unafraid" the cynicism in his tone got her frowning, for that night still haunted him "I nearly killed you, Elia. Part of me is actually furious at you for being here tonight" he insisted, both angry and sad.
"That was an accident. One I know, won't ever repeat again" the confidence in her stare and her tone sent chills down his spine, firstly because she fiercely believed it, and secondly, because it somehow implied there would be more days and nights together.
Ha! You wish! The hateful part of him scoffed, pointing in the other direction; that's why she had the certainty that it wouldn't happen again.
"Being deprived from a good sleep for so long weakens people, their minds particularly. Besides, it was my mistake for trying to wake you" she assured "Even not knowing a thing, I'm sure whatever occurred in Shiganshina was horrible enough to cause it. But if you believe in what I do, I know I can help…" the woman's confidence was suddenly replaced by insecurity when she looked down "…if you let me".
He did the same, feeling like a shit, not only for the things he'd done to her, but also failing to believe in her, even when she'd proven her healing arts worked wonders.
Gritting his teeth, he let out a growl and then looked away, ashamed. But suddenly, the gentle touch of her palm over his hand managed to ease off the frustration, warming his very soul, and giving him the courage to talk. It was time.
"The thought of losing you too drove me mad, Elia" he hissed, lowering his face, helpless and angry. He longed to touch her cheek but had to settle with the contact of her hand "You think I didn't know of the benefits of having you around, knowing how capable you are?" he said, taking a brief moment to calm himself and stop sounding so menacing "My problem lays in being unable to protect you… just like the others".
"Whether you could or not, I'd never let you do it. Still, I'm glad to understand why you were so desperate that day" he heard the healer muttered. She then took a deep breath and squeezed his hand considerately "But your promise is sacred to me, Levi. You're a soldier. I knew that since day one, and I'll always respect the duty you have, which is why I'm against the idea of you worrying to look after me. Have you forgotten how much I've learnt from my sister and you to do so myself?"
"It took me a while to see but you're right" he admitted, still feeling like a jackass for his actions "My only excuse is the guilt for my failures".
"I'd like to hear it now. The story you couldn't share that night" she was asking him to trust, not only with the events but to share this awful weight with her "Call me a fool but I refused to find that out in the newspaper. The truth I need is the one coming from you".
"We knew there'd be casualties, but being almost wiped out…" he began, encouraged by the benevolence he found in her gaze.
He narrated absolutely everything since their arrival at the city. The ambush set for them, that if it hadn't been for Armin, all odds-on bet would have been against them; the plan that Erwin explained to him and the remaining recruits afterwards, terrified rookies that his friend's speech managed to help gather the strength to face death; his disgust and rage towards that fucking beast enjoying the butchery of their bodies, as if all was a game; to those damned seconds that allowed him to escape. He did not hold back in not one detail that could liberate him from this guilt that tormented him night and day ever since.
"I'm a murderer. It's one of the things I do best, but I didn't deliver when I should" he finished that part of the story in a harsh tone, clenching his teeth, unable to face her.
"That's failing to you?" she said after what seemed like an eternity. He gave her a dirty look, taken aback "True, you couldn't eliminate him but that doesn't mean you can't eventually. You're here, alive, and you're still the most qualified for the job. You may think you made a bad call, but I see it as a moment of doubt our enemies took advantage of. But it's definitely no reason enough to condemn yourself the way you've been doing" his heart wanted to believe her, but the anger he'd been feeding against himself kept him trapped.
"You trying to make of me a decent person is pointless, you know?" he moved his hand away from hers, as if he could pass his sins on to her. Discouraged and pessimistic, he crossed his arms staring straight ahead, with a menacing look.
"Oh, I'm with you on that" Elia said with what he'd describe as resignation. And though a huge part of him was glad she could see the monster he really was, the other however, the one keeping a tiny hope that she wouldn't hate him, felt that like a painful punch in the guts "I could never make you decent because you already are, even when you cannot see it".
How about that? the voice in his head said somewhat humorous. Does it really surprise you she thinks that way?
Fighting the urge to turn to her, it was him who this time decided to look up and gain more time, as well as avoiding those eyes seeing right through him.
She's up there anyways, he thought staring at the vast darkness consuming almost everything if it weren't for the blaze of stars in it, and that full moon shinning over their heads. It was such a beautiful view that somehow was like looking at her anyways. Elia, with that unbreakable loyalty and wonderful softness, constantly illuminating his life with her natural radiance, the same he nearly put out, but not even that had scared her away.
Without warning, the woman had knelt right in front of him and placed her right hand on his shoulder, silently asking him to look down, at her.
"They died in vain because of me, Elia. They gave up their lives to grant me that one chance and I blew it" he muttered, trying to hide the agony behind the animosity of his voice but she knew how torn he was. He saw the understanding when he finally met her eyes "What's good about being as I am when it's never enough" he knew she understood his fear included her too, because he seriously believed his powers came with a price: the curse of losing those he loved.
"It wasn't you who killed them, Levi. And you didn't fail them. You're just human, and missteps are part of that. The fact that you're extremely strong and skilled doesn't mean you're almighty, or responsible for the lives around you" the earnestness in her tone showed him it wasn't compassion what drove her to state that, but logic; the same she had to apply in her line of work every day "Picking ourselves up is also part of our human condition. You're still here, alive, and that's enough to know you'll behead that monster. You're too stubborn to let him go" she briefly half-smiled at that last comment, but then put her other hand on his left shoulder and her eyes blazed with faith in him "It won't happen today nor tomorrow, but they will come back, and then you'll avenge your comrades, make their deaths count. So, get on your feet and train hard for that day, soldier. That's an order".
He seldom faced that authoritative tone of hers but hearing it was a delight, even more so when she was telling him to stop his whining and self-pity. One good kick would have made this perfect, but violence was no resource to Elia.
"Don't forget, unlike the enemy, you suffer their losses because you've never belittled their lives, and they knew that very well. Why do you think they trusted and believed in you?" the young woman added, kind but firm "In the scarce time I got to speak with Commander Erwin, I don't think myself mistaken when I say he'd have told you the same".
She was right. Erwin never would have blamed him. Their last conversation proved it even, because he'd asked him to make the decision he couldn't, knowing the odds were against them and he'd most likely perish, yet the fool still made time to lecture him about his future decisions to prevent this exactly.
"I can't help wondering why should I get a decent, happy life when none of them will?" the healer removed both of her hands from his shoulders, somewhat offended.
That hurt because he truly wanted, needed, her closeness but his question and viewpoint had not changed.
"Life's not fair, remember?" she said, looking down to control her emotions "Do you think my family would have hated me for keep on living, for smiling when they died, and I didn't?"
No, he immediately answered, but to himself.
"I know you're scared because the more that you have, the more can be taken away, but having goals and people to fight for is what make us strive to keep on going. Otherwise, it feels pointless. Not to mention we'd be disrespecting what they died for".
"Losing my mother, Farlan, Isabel, my subordinates and comrades, Erwin… I've dealt with that so far because the least I can do is honor their sacrifice. With you, however... You're my peace in this hell, Elia" she closed her eyes for a moment before meeting his, and sadness clouded her features "If you go, I know I won't be able to find myself again. Not because I'll become suicidal but because there cannot be light in a world you don't exist. It just can't. And though I'll keep fighting, it'll be just hoping for a quick death once this is all over" he averted his gaze, but she sure noted the tension in his jaw.
For the following five minutes, she said nothing else. The man started to get anxious and couldn't help peeping on her, noting her sight fixed on a couple sunflowers surrounding the stump where some of their belongings were, apparently lost in thought, but then she nodded in understanding.
"I see what you mean but I know it won't go that way. The dreadful experiences you've gone through already sustain that" Elia said after a while, having mused every single word, apparently "Love is love, regardless the many kinds that do exist. You may think that losing me would be far worse but that is due to how intense this feels, how connected we are but like I said, our bond is as special as any other. And if you love me, I know you won't end up like that because I wouldn't want you to, so don't be scared, Levi. Have you forgotten I must deal with the same about losing you? How bad that's going to hurt?"
"You're stronger than me in other ways, woman" he muttered, less anguished after hearing how much she believed in him still.
"Perhaps, perhaps not. All I know is that there's no going back for me. No matter how devastated I'll be, our thing has been the most wonderful experience I've ever lived, and I'll cherish it until my last breath. No matter the price I pay, I'll always choose you, come what may. I can't change that. And even if I could, I wouldn't because it's you that make me happy".
She smiled at him, and the glimmer in her eyes along with the subtle reddening of her cheeks got him speechless; Elia was confessing her feelings to him, though deep down, he'd known all along. That gleeful, welcoming smile at the sight of him had told him so long ago, and it was one of the multiple details he certainly lived for. Sadly, his self-hatred had been far too great to let him see, continuously highlighting what could she possibly gain from being with a rat like him.
"The man I love is you, and you're a soldier, with many responsibilities upon your shoulders, specially now. And despite my selfishness would want me to beg you to step aside because I fear losing you out there, I'd hate myself if there ever comes a day I say such thing. Hange and your squad need you, and you all need to keep moving forward, or everyone's sacrifices would have been in vain. That's why I cannot do that to you, Levi. Losing your people is one thing, but letting them down, abandoning them, that is something you'd never forgive yourself, and me, for" his hand had the urge to move to her face and wipe the silent tears that started to fall but she did so herself with the back of her hand and then quickly got up to stand sideways, to collect herself "I don't want that. Your hatred would be far worse than you dying. I know because your indifference has hurt in ways I cannot describe, because it made no sense, not when I knew you loved me back".
The healer had been about to go back to where she'd initially been sitting but his hand instinctively grabbed hers to stop her, still ashamed but more hopeful now that she didn't let go.
"I wasn't okay either" he confessed. Elia deserved the whole truth, and this peaceful moment might never repeat again "And things got worse after leaving you that night. But you were right; I needed to loathe and punish myself, which would have been impossible as long as I had you" he took a breath and let it out slowly before standing next to her, still holding her hand "Your decision to join us was my wake-up call, somehow. And though the notion of your potential death drove me mad at first, I finally realized that imposing my wish to keep you here, safe, was pretty much me taking your freedom away; the very thing I pursue in this fight. And I have no right to do that, even less when it was me who left".
"Does that mean you're fine with it now?"
"Can't say I'm thrilled, but I get it. You wouldn't be you had I forced you to stay behind, and I don't want that" the soldier admitted, turning to her so she could see he meant every word.
"Good to know, Captain" that playful use of his position coming through her lips got his heart pounding harder. However, the butterflies in his stomach reminded him that having her forgiveness was one thing and having her back a whole other "As much as I like the idea of seeing you frequently, I'm glad to hear you won't use our relationship to persuade me from doing my job".
Levi froze. Did she really say that, or had he gone completely mental in his stupid head, imagining things he wanted to hear.
"Levi?" her worried tone brought him back. As much as everything in him rejoiced at that, there was more to tell, a major detail she hadn't fully get "What is it?"
"You sure you wanna be with me after what happened in Shiganshina?" Elia cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes in confusion "The scum within the walls wouldn't be the only thing threatening your life now. That filthy beast is out there, and…"
The uneasiness in her demeanor disappeared, replaced by a confident smile. That's what got him once again, speechless, especially because she seemed amused by this and the scowl on his flustered face only managed to get her snickering when he pulled her closer.
"It's funny how much I've missed that face" baffled, he now stared at her worriedly, not getting her reaction. Didn't she hear her life would be more endangered than ever? "I've never feared for my life. If I came up with the idea of secrecy, it was purely not to add more troubles to your list".
"You shouldn't take this lightly. I may have made my peace about you joining us and possible outcomes, but making you a target, a leverage to my enemy…"
"We already have the solution to that problem" the healer shrugged, with an innocent look at first, but then her demeanor changed as she looked down and her eyelids drooped, melancholic. That felt like a stab through his heart. He panicked, believing she meant staying away from each other. And though a tiny part of him wanted that exactly, the rest hated the idea "Only… I was hoping we could tell Hange and Gris about us".
"Tch!" he let out with a snort, unaware that he'd been holding his breath.
"What? You thought I was giving up?" she asked, raising a brow in disbelief "Sorry but that goes against my wishes" the dissatisfaction returned as she sighed "I guess we'll have to wait a little longer to tell them. In any case, I'm sure Hange's having it rough lately. And Gris… well, it's unlikely she'll want to speak with me".
"I trust Hange with my life, but she isn't at her best, and bragging about us is not what she needs" he agreed, knowing that even under torture, his friend would never betray them. Her recent loss though, was something else; he couldn't tell how long it'd take her to really move on, if it was even possible "As for the old lady… call me nuts but I guarantee the news will make her puke" for some reason, he actually enjoyed the thought; to just imagine how pissed she'd be "C'mon. Seeing you with me would be as bad as you going to war. Worse, actually".
"She's my friend, Levi" he felt her hand back on the back of his, warm and soft. He looked her in the eye and saw no trace of the skepticism he felt "She may not like you but I'm sure you'd grow on her eventually. She'd see why I love you".
Hearing her say that so naturally, without reticence nor fear was one of the most heartwarming things he could have ever asked for as he lost himself in those soulful, transparent eyes, delighted by that simple, purely happy smile that made him forget about everything else.
"Elia…" he muttered, moving his hand around hers, entwining their fingers together. He may have not liked the old hag, but she'd been taking care of his person, as a friend and a mentor, and this rift clearly hurt her "I think breaking all ties with her is for the best when you won't change your mind".
To be honest, he wished he could say the lady would eventually understand and come around before she started her training, like he had, but giving her false hope wouldn't do any good.
"Yeah, I believe so too" she admitted, forcing a smile but the deception behind was easy to see "Gris won't ever forgive me, and I can't blame her anyway".
"Given her grief over her son and husband, it's normal. You on another hand, are not" that earned him an offended look, but he simply held her gaze, taking joy at the pleasurable heat of her tender skin "You might be the sole person who never took it on us when facing the same" he clarified, noting the change in her demeanor "When Farlan and Isabel died… it was Erwin who helped me see things clearer".
"He was a wise man, and a good friend" she leaned towards him, resting her head on his shoulder, and his nose immediately caught that flowery scent coming from her. It was like breathing fresh air for the first time once again, like that day they finally abandoned the Underground city "I can only imagine how hard it was to let him go".
It was. It definitely was but having her here, consoling him, made him hopeful despite the uncertainties in their future.
"It was time for him to rest from all this. Especially after forsaking a good life and his humanity to lead us here" the soldier said, thankful for the mild squeeze coming from her hand "All he took with him were childhood memories and a dream he was forced to quit so we could survive. He might have gotten the chance had I picked him, but I just couldn't".
"I may be wrong, but I think he'd have appreciated not being brought back" driven by curiosity, the soldier awaited eagerly to hear what she meant "It'd have been disrespectful to everyone who died in that field. After all, they agreed to follow because he'd promised to perish alongside them".
He slightly turned his head to her and when their eyes met, the corner of his mouth quirked up. God, how he'd missed her! He hadn't seen it that way, but it made sense considering how conflicted and disturbed the blond had seemed during their last conversation, when he rambled about their fallen comrades.
"It used to piss the hell out of me, but I get why he had a good time talking to you" the soldier admitted, admiring the way she saw things. Erwin liked this kind of smart, brave, and truthful people; very rare to find "Every now and then he listed your qualities, just to tick me off" he grumbled, disgruntled.
Elia gave him a playful shoving but then couldn't help chuckling like he hadn't heard in a long time.
"Were you jealous of him too?"
"In my defense, it was before we got together" he cleared up, but then held her hand tighter "You must admit anyone with a brain thinks he'd been a far better option than me".
"Good thing I'm a brainless woman" she teased and winked.
"You know what I meant" he said, giving her a side eye.
"Just like you, he committed his own fair share of crimes and sins, Levi. In different ways, yes, but that doesn't make any of you evil. Same happens with the good things you've both done" he remained silent, weighing her words and the truth in them "That's why you're both worth following, and same applies to Hange; not many are capable of inspiring others to fight for a greater good, knowing you might not even see the outcome" Elia said with solemnity "I can't tell what's going to happen now that he's gone, but Commander Erwin wholeheartedly trusted you, so never forget that. You earned his respect, his friendship, and those things will always stay with you".
"I know" the soldier said, appreciating her viewpoint as he looked to the horizon "He paved the way. Now we must walk through it".
A sudden wind, cold and swift, got the top of the trees swaying hard whilst the remaining breeze that hit them made her tremble a little.
"Speaking of which, a lot has been said since the press released the so called exclusive on your findings there but, like I said, I haven't read it" he could tell she was cold but tried to hide it so he wouldn't stop "Is it that bad?"
"Let's warm up our bones before I spill the rest of the story out" he proposed, taking her to where they'd been sitting, but she looked at him with suspicion "Believe me. The taste of the truth won't be pleasant. You'll thank me later".
The expression she had, half worried, half intrigued, didn't go unnoticed by the soldier as he picked up their mugs and proceeded to boil water that already ran cold, as well as pouring some more inside the teapot. Almost done, he glanced in her direction, and though he kept the poker-face, his heart rejoiced when he saw her moving her blankets next to his.
By the time tea was the only thing left, he continued narrating the part in which the finally made it to that bloody basement, their discovery and the grim future that awaited them. Grisha Yeagar's story was, by far, what staggered her the most, for she'd known him thanks to her parents' similar trade. Given how sharp her mind was, she easily put two and two together, understanding how Eren came to turn into a titan, which explained how the doctor vanished; the disgust was written all over her face because she couldn't comprehend how a gentle man like him forced his son to do such thing. Nevertheless, it got soon replaced with disappointment and a deep concern when he made it to the truth they'd been looking for: the people of Ymir.
Elia absorbed every single word without interjecting, yet he could see the thousand questions arising in those inquisitive eyes of her, trying to give some sense, probably still wondering stuff about Eren's father, realizing perhaps even some of her medical knowledge may have come from the outside world but there was no one to confirm it.
"That's pretty much it. The newspaper was told the same, only not in detail" the soldier stretched his neck before offering her some more tea, which she politely declined.
Give her time, the voice in his head recommended as he poured the dark liquid in his mug, discreetly observing how she stared at the fire with a thoughtful expression.
"No wonder why a republication was needed. I never imagined something this dark" she was quite overwhelmed, as her gaze manifested, fixed in the flames "I'm at a loss for words" she confessed, hugging her knees, still taking all in.
"No sane person would react any differently" he granted, going back to that day and his own disbelief.
The denial in Eren's expression, the wariness in Mikasa's, and bewilderment in Hange's regardless her usual euphoria when discovering something new; that'd been more than enough to understand the huge impact of this story.
The notion of millions of people either fearing or hating them for the type of heritage none of them had any control of, was a thousand times more depressing than his own Ackerman condition.
"You see… it's exciting to know there's so much more to explore, things to learn, but hearing that the people out there fear us to the point of hating us… that's truly discouraging".
Honestly, he wouldn't care much if this was against people like him, dangerous and merciless when required, he got that; accepting it was easier given his own experience as an outcast. On another hand, despising innocents, people like her, that was wrong, but sadly, dealing with it would be the only way if peace wasn't an option.
"Are you scared?" the question caught her off guard, so she took her time to respond. He knew she had it when he watched her turning her body in his direction without getting closer.
"No" she answered, conveying her bravery in that sole word.
"Why?" is not that he didn't believe her, but he wanted to understand because he was. Learning that the titans weren't the main problem was the most fucked-up thing.
"Living in fear means to enslave yourself. And after what you just told me, we're already imprisoned for crimes we didn't commit" she offered, with a bitter smile "I guess I'm not willing to go down without making the most of whatever time I have rather than paralyze; better half a life than no life at all".
Levi couldn't help snorting, agreeing at the irony of the general situation but feeling much lighter after hearing that last part. Erwin himself had given him a similar piece of advice before facing death.
"It sucks, but I think so too" even when it didn't solve anything, sharing this with her made them far more bearable "What bothers me tho is that part of me still wishes Erwin and the others had got to see this, just so they knew what died for".
Once again, Elia leaned back to watch the stars. Her eyes darted from one to another, as if she saw something beyond their flickering light.
"It may sound childish, or downright crazy, but perhaps they do" she uttered out of the blue, giving a half-smile.
"Oh, I know that face" the soldier smirked, anticipating one of those mind-blowing theories. The woman's take on things never ceased to awe him, whether he believed her or not "If you tell me I spit fire, it may be true".
"Well, sometimes you do" she held up her palms in the air in surrender when he crossed his arms over his chest and stared at her with narrowed eyes. That got her chuckling again.
"Come on. Let the cat out of bag" he encouraged, etching in his memory a stir of optimism rising inside him at the sound of her laughter, assuring everything was fine between them at last.
"Alright" Elia's demeanor adopted a much more serious look after that "It's something mom said" she began, and her eyes went back to the sky "She once told Ilva and I that, when lost her mother and sister, she could still sense their presence, as though they never left. It wasn't like they could do anything for her, but it was them that kept her from giving up" even if the soldier's eyes had not been focused on her, he still would have recognized the longing in her voice "She said such feeling faded time after my grandfather took her in, as if they'd finally found peace to know her safe" Elia smiled sheepishly "Believe me, I was as skeptical as you. In fact, at first, I thought it'd been nothing but a tale. You know, to prepare us in case we found ourselves alone. But when they perished, I got to feel the same somehow, that they were keeping me company, which hasn't been that strong since the day I left my old home" the healer momentarily closed her eyes before turning to him "In the end, nothing can prove it, and nothing can deny it either. That's why I chose to believe her".
"As nice as it sounds, seems nutty to me" he wasn't going to lie to her; not once he felt anything like it after his own mother's death. Nice memories were all he got from her, nothing more. "Unless it applies to good people only".
He watched her crawl the little space between them until they were face to face, and judging by the frown and pout on hers, the last part had really angered her.
"Fine… to some people" he gave up, rolling his eyes when the healer nodded in agreement and took the seat right next to him, shoulder to shoulder.
"Our experiences are all different, thus, everyone's free to believe whatever we want. But, as I said, nobody can confirm or refute the possibility, so they could be watching you all".
Levi stared at her in amazement. Rationally speaking, it was impossible, yet she had a point: no one could prove or deny it. And in his case, he may have not experienced that because Kenny saved him.
Wait. Did Erwin…? the soldier recalled his friend's final words about their fallen comrades, which he'd thought a nonsense. But what if he saw something? He wondered, remembering the despair in his expression back then, and his relief when he made the choice he couldn't.
Stunned, he turned to her with wide eyes, but she was lost in thought as she looked up with a gracious smile on her face.
"Guess believing in it or not has a lot to do with the people who've raised us" he conceded after a while, not convinced but no longer considering it far-fetched "Kenny's motto always was every man for himself. That old shit was incapable of seeing goodness, let alone hope, so I had no reason to believe otherwise".
"I see your point, and you're partly right" she granted "You wouldn't since you lost your mother that young, yet your memories of her, your bond with Farlan and Isabel, as well as others you've cared for… they all saw the goodness in you, and helped planting the seeds of faith, in your people, in your friends, in me. So, your uncle is not all there is to see in you, Captain. Not what matters" Levi sensed her taking his hand in hers without hesitation, getting his heart racing "You're selfless and compassionate, and I'm sure that came from your mother. And no matter how hard her brother tried to bury all that, they prevailed because your love for her does, and that's also a way of never having left" Elia affirmed, resting her head on his shoulder before rubbing his arm affectionately.
Moron. You never had a chance to get over her… the voice in his head mocked, reminding him about his old intend on breaking up when all he did was falling for her even harder within each day.
Even closing his eyes, Elia was all he could see in the dark; her kindheartedness, sincerity, and unwavering love, all he truly needed.
"That ability of yours to see right through people came from your mother, didn't it?" he came out with, trying to keep his hammering heart at bay when the assumption made her smile, according to her facial muscles against his arm "The brains and the singing from your father, then".
The words slipped out with uncanny spontaneity thanks to how relaxed he currently was. Unfortunately, her whole body tensed, and the carefree expression she had, vanished. He watched her getting on her feet to stand before him, wide eye and slightly open-mouthed.
"How… how do you know that?" the astonishment wasn't only palpable on her face but her tone as well, but what caught his attention was the fear behind.
"Blame it on your sister's tendency to sing whenever we camped in places like this" not moving an inch from where he sat, the soldier held the healer's gaze, showing nothing but earnestness "Father taught me this one, she used to say" tears shimmered in her eyes at this revelation.
Elia looked around them, surely imagining the scene where Ilva Stoltz and fellow Corps were still alive and around a bigger bonfire, having a break. It wasn't hard to see the dozens of faces watching her with nothing but fun and delight in their expressions, appreciating the small distraction before facing hell.
"At first I thought it was kinda weird but when I realized it was a great morale-booster to all, I just let her be" he shared, and her eyes went back to his, still somewhat glossy.
"Sounds like her" his heart rejoiced at the sight of Elia's soft, loving smile, the one she dedicated to her family "And it's true. Dad loved music, and even that sounds like an understatement" the woman explained, and briefly looked heavenward "His grandmother was a pianist. Dad spoke of her very fondly, for giving him something to be passionate about. You see, he was meant to be a healer, like his father before him, and though he ended up becoming one, it didn't make him as happy as music did. So, he found a way to do both" she said, lifting her chin with pride "Seeing him play his guitar was like magic to us, and so we learned from him, Ilva especially. But unlike her, I was never prone to play or sing outside home" she tilted her head, both confused and intrigued "So how did you know about me?"
Albeit he could have lied, he didn't want to. Her singing had been special to him too; precisely what unleashed the feelings he'd tried to subdue, setting a fire that melt his frozen heart.
"The day of her funeral" as soon as he said it, her pupils dilated in surprise but immediately averted her eyes from him, a little nervous.
He could tell she wasn't mad but the sudden flush creeping up her face showed how embarrassed she was. More than enough for him to explain himself better, letting her know it was by mere accident, the lucky kind. So, getting up, he walked past her and stopped a few feet away, giving her some space to react however she wanted about it. After all, he'd intruded into something that wasn't meant for him.
"Back then, I thought I'd already pestered you enough with my presence, but I still wanted to attend, to pay the respect she deserved without intruding, so I kept my distance the entire ceremony" even with his back to her, he sensed the woman's stare on him, getting more astonished "When it ended, and believing it'd be the last time I'd see you, I decided to make sure you got home safe, from afar of course, but you stayed. I figured you were saying your last goodbye, so I moved behind a large tree and leaned on it for a while to grant you some privacy, yet nothing prepared me for what came after, when I heard you".
He turned to face her this time, glad to see Elia was no longer avoiding him. A bit of fear remained in her eyes, though it was more like a sort of fragility he'd never seen, so pure that he only had the urge to protect it.
"I don't think ever hearing something that beautiful and heartbreaking. I was torn, and completely enraptured by you".
The woman stood still, too stunned to react, and for the first time apparently not knowing what to say. Levi ignored it had to do with how self-conscious she was about that supposed talent of hers, one that allowed her to pierce others with emotions as powerful as love and sorrow, as if they were their own.
"Your presence never bothered me" Elia clarified after a while, to what he huffed "Well, it was a bit odd at first, but not for other reason than having heard so much about you for ages, not ever imagining you'd suddenly be there, under the worst situation, to help us" he watched the woman walk towards him and stopped about a feet away. Her gaze no longer anxious "We may not have known each other long, but I certainly missed your company that afternoon, Levi" extending her arm, he felt the warmth of her fingertips on his hand as he dived into the depth of her gray eyes.
"Oh, yours used to annoy the hell out of me, woman" the soldier admitted, with a smug, slight close-lipped smile when the contact ceased, so he quickly grabbed her wrist to pull her closer, 'til she was barely a few inches away "Don't you see it? On one hand I was done. You needed me no more, so I was glad the fucking nerves of being near you would be over. But on the other, I was conflicted with myself for craving to see you nonetheless, even when I had no right. Not to mention the timing was the worst. So I went" he explained, sliding his own hand up her arm, until his hand was holding her chin "Things wouldn't have gone the way they did if I hadn't heard you, 'cause, when I dared to kiss you, it was driven by something your song set free".
"Wow…" she muttered, visibly dumbstruck "But it was a grieving song".
"It was sad, yes, but the infinite love and devotion in it were stronger. To the point of envisioning the life you had beside them. And even though I barely knew what was like to have a normal life, I felt your pain in my bones, and all I wanted was to keep it there 'til you got better".
Elia blushed but an immense joy and gratitude glowed in her eyes when he shared that.
"You succeeded" the healer professed as he felt her own hands taking his, guiding his palm to her cheek. Without letting him go, she momentarily closed her eyes, and the peaceful smile he was staring at ensured all was fine.
But when she opened them and he'd been about to lower his face to kiss her, Levi identified something else in those eyes that he couldn't quite decipher; a spark of resolve he often witnessed whenever someone was making a hard choice.
Out of the blue, and ignoring the quizzical look he was giving her, she let go and went around him, until standing right behind him.
"Oy…" he called, unsure of what this meant, but when her strong, slender arms hugged him from behind, and got her cheek resting on his shoulder, his body relaxed. And so, he covered her arms with his and lowered his eyelids.
No word came from her at first, but the gentle humming he detected stopped him from interrupting. Trust was all she asked right now, and he gave her exactly that, by waiting. It wasn't long before the humming turned into a soft melody that surprisingly transformed into a song when she gave free rein to the words inside her.
.
Dear my love, haven't you wanted to be with me, and
dear my love, haven't you longed to be free?
I can't keep pretending that I don't even know you, and
at sweet night, you are my own.
.
Take my hand, we're leaving here tonight,
there's no need to tell anyone, they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light, we'll be half way to anywhere,
where love is more than just your name…
.
Not ever having imagined something like this, he blinked hard several times to make sure he wasn't hallucinating, for Elia was, undoubtedly, dedicating her heart to him.
.
I have dreamt of a place for you and I,
no one knows who we are there.
All I want is to give my life only to you,
I've dreamt so long I cannot dream anymore.
Let's run away, I'll take you there
.
We're leaving here tonight,
there's no need to tell anyone, they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light, we'll be half way to anywhere,
where no one needs a reason.
.
Forget this life, come with me, don't look back, you're safe now.
Unlock your heart, drop your guard, no one's left to stop you.
We're leaving here tonight,
There's no need to tell anyone, they'd only hold us down.
So by the morning's light, we'll be half way to anywhere,
where love is more than just your name.
.
Even after it came to an end, and nothing but the wildlife's murmuring was all he could hear, she had him completely under her wonderful spell, oblivious to everything except her embrace and the countless memories they shared since they met; by far, the best months in his life.
A sincere, happy smile showed up in his face when he sensed her arms tightening around him, to what his fingers responded by firmly entwining with hers, just to let her know how grateful he was for a gift this special, and the promise she was making despite the poor circumstances he could offer.
For the first time in his life, he wished he could thank his mother for bringing him into this world. And if he had to go through all the crap he did to make it here, with her, he'd gladly do so, because Elia was more than his lover. She was his constant and, above all, the home and family he never thought possible.
Without letting go of one of her hands, he slowly turned, opening his eyes as soon as he had the certainty of facing one another. Although her cheeks had incredibly reddened, she got better when he took a step closer and his other arm surrounded her waist, leaving the minimum gap between them.
"Elia…" he whispered her sacred name with utter reverence and took the hand he'd been holding to his lips, kissing its back to thank her for simply existing.
Her gray eyes shone with the purest joy when she read in his that he'd finally decided to quit being a fool and stop wasting more time lying to himself. He loved her. With all his might, he did. And she knew so.
"Love's not enough to fix the world around us, but yours is more than enough to make mine worth fighting" the young woman smiled more confident, relieved and pleased for his reaction "I'm here, Levi. I'm always here for you".
The soldier smiled placidly when he perceived her hand at the back of his head, caressing ever so softly, making him forget about everything.
"You better be" he answered, and though he hadn't dared making any further movement, it was impossible to quiet the need to kiss her, even less after seeing her glance to his lips.
Following the elegant line of her jaw with the tip of his thumb, he soon found himself reaching the corner of her mouth, sliding it first along the lower lip very gently, almost tantalizing her, but as expected, it backfired on him when her tender lips parted, and the warmth of her breath reached him. His entire body automatically reacted, urging him to claim what was already his, and so he crushed her lips with desperation.
To this day, it still amazed him no kiss was ever the same. Even her taste was slightly different. Usually honey-like, now he also noticed a faint but clear taste of green apples, bringing back that idea of his, about this woman being from another world, either a goddess or some sort of fairy, because being like this with her was like kissing nature itself. But the best, of course, was her passionate response; not wild enough to give other ideas but demanding enough to let him know she'd missed him too, which was even more palpable in the way she cradled his face longingly, helping him see her love had been all he'd truly needed to get back on track, because nothing else was this powerful to restore his broken soul.
Although part of him wanted more, he knew tonight wasn't about carnal pleasure. No. This time together was about the certainty of having each other, acknowledging something much deeper in their connection: an absolute abandonment towards the other, where yearn, commitment, faith, trust, respect, and the feelings they had for one another were key to heal their wounds, to live without fear.
Life would never be the same after knowing happiness by her side… the words echoed in his head, and the soldier couldn't help a tiny smirk, recalling his last conversation with Erwin. As usual, the damn idiot had been so right!
"I reckon you've missed me as much as I've missed you, Captain" she said with a playful smile, nearly breathless when their lips separated. But instead of getting away, the woman still enjoyed the way he was still holding her, so she wrapped her arms around his neck "Maybe more?"
"Tch!" Levi snorted, savoring the glory of having her like this and all for himself "Let's just say I was in a living hell" he confessed, resting his forehead on hers. He then closed his eyes and took in a deep breath, adoring that exquisite fragrance he was addicted to.
"I know what you mean. But it's over now" she assured, as if trying to convince herself that this was no dream, and a shiver went down his spine when her loving fingers tangled in his hair, going for his undercut every now and then.
"Yeah" he granted, sliding the tip of his nose against hers, trying to distract himself but was failing spectacularly "Could you please say something to distract me?" he asked, having to move away but not wanting to.
"Is there something wrong?" she immediately stopped what she'd been doing and looked him in the eye, disoriented.
"No" he averted his gaze, but the frown was there to see.
"Levi…"
"Fine. I'm trying to control my stupid, greedy cock wanting to get inside your pants, you know?" he admitted "Honestly, a couple hours with you out here was all I wanted, not bang you the moment you forgive me, but the damn thing has a mind of its own" he said through clenched teeth.
He didn't want her to think sex was all he craved, so a straightforward explanation about his upcoming erection, that she'd soon notice given their position, sounded better than any excuse.
At first, he'd stared at her wide eye when her sparkling eyes displayed the kind of mischievousness his manhood was into, but then eased down after seeing an understanding nod, letting him know she understood. And so, she left a swift kiss on his cheek before moving her arms away, but took his hand, and led him back to the bonfire.
"Not that I dislike the idea, but I too think just chilling is best for now" she said without turning and gave a mild squeeze to his hand "My body is a bit sore, not to mention you're exhausted" the healer stopped next to the fire, apparently dwelling on that last observation "You cannot fool me, Levi" she added and turned to him, somewhat worried.
"I won't" he promised, allowing himself to be vulnerable around her since he'd agreed to accept her help "Can't say I'm doing a lousy job, but the insomnia got worse".
"We'll start your treatment right away then" Elia offered and let go of his hand to go get something inside her bag.
"Wait a minute…" the soldier said, staring at her with suspicion "You knew what I'd need?"
She froze. For some reason, she seemed a little reluctant but then she sighed in defeat and came to stand in front of him, holding a little flask in her hand.
"I don't want to lie to you, but I also don't wish to ruin our moment" he couldn't help squinting his eyes for a second, until it hit him; this was about her stupid friend "That face says a lot, and yes, it involves Garrett but not in any way that could affect us, unless you want to".
"So I'm the problem here?" he certainly didn't like the way this was going but it was an unpleasant subject they needed to deal with anyway.
"No. Please listen and keep in mind everything we've been through to be here" she came a little closer and reached for his hand before continuing "You are not the problem, Levi. But you need to realize how unjustified your jealousy is".
"Unjustified, huh?"
"Yes" that got him mad, but he managed to keep that at bay.
"Pardon me if I got it all wrong but that douch… your friend" he pretty much spit the word with disgust, which she chose to ignore "He's already declared how much he loves you, and not in a brotherly way".
"I cannot take responsibility for how he feels, but what I can guarantee is that I won't ever look at him the way I look at you".
Wow. She'd given her best shot and disarmed whatever argument he had to insist that jerk was the problem.
"Levi" he heard her call, bringing him back to the present "I've known him since we were kids, and not once felt anything remotely close to how I feel about you" all of a sudden, she was hugging him, not desperate but tenderly, and then softly brushed her cheek against his "I could never love him back, not the way I love you. Even if I lose you someday, that won't change".
She'd whispered all that near his ear and left a trail of subtle kisses that started below his earlobe and headed to his mouth. However, when she finally reached the corner of his lips, the woman looked to his eyes and apparently liked what she saw, for now there was a grateful smile on her beautiful face.
"I still don't trust him" the soldier pointed out, avoiding her gaze. He felt somewhat stupid once he realized he'd been acting like an insecure brat.
"As long as you trust me, that's alright" her candid tone got him sighing in defeat before meeting her eyes "You said you loved me, but if you do, it's because you've accepted me with my many flaws and virtues. Considering that, would you still feel that way if I turn my back on someone in need?"
It took him a couple seconds to speak but he knew the answer; it was the same that made this night possible. He wanted her to be free, be herself, and that included her commitment to service.
"No" he accepted, reluctantly "So you'll keep seeing him. Is that what you're saying?"
"I'm helping his mother, Levi" she corrected, to what the man grumbled, displeased "Therefore, yes, I'll keep seeing him because they need me" he could tell the plea in her eyes was honest. But then she looked down, to the object in her hand "This flask is one of those I prepared for her last night, that he came to collect".
She was showing one of the regular transparent flasks he'd seen her preparing medicine with, filled with a dark yellowish liquid, probably containing valerian roots and other stuff he couldn't remember. Still, he was aware what was that for.
"Why bringing that here?"
"Because I haven't been that great lately. And I thought…" he didn't like that pause but his concern was greater than his annoyance over this subject, so he waited "I thought you intended to explain things so we could call it a clean break up, which I'd have accepted, but that didn't mean my heart would have taken it well".
"Hmph" he exclaimed with sarcasm and finally gave away a tiny smirk, for he'd feared the same; that she'd surely grown tired of his bullshit and came for answers before walking away "Can't deny I didn't try but I'm afraid you're stuck with me for quite a while".
She smiled in return when he took the tiny container and removed the cork to drink in one sitting its content. He gave the empty flask back to her, which she put in her pocket.
"I once heard that it was wise to reward a patient with something whenever ingesting this sort of stuff" the man was repeating something she'd said to him when he asked how she managed to get the brats at the orphanage to drink the medicine willingly "Even those that are a pain in the ass".
He was clearly thanking her for being this tolerant and understanding when he sometimes couldn't stand himself.
"Misbehaved patients are my specialty" he stared at her in silent amazement, unable to believe his luck for having somebody this kind and forgiving; it was as though nothing ever happened between them, yet their bond had definitely grown stronger "I save the best rewards for them".
"Do they get to choose?" he asked, keeping a straight face.
"Mmm" she answered, following his game "It always depend on the patient, what brings satisfaction to them, I guess".
"I see" he agreed, nodding slowly "What do you think is best for me then?"
"Oh, that's a tough one, Captain" she said, and moved closer to skim his lips with such grace and sensuality he was barely holding back "A hint would be appreciated".
She smirked when he surrounded her waist with one arm to keep her from getting farther.
"We better not do this during formal training, or they'll think I'm a pervert".
"Why? Last time I heard, you're the most disciplined soldier".
"Around you, hardly" he replied, and made her chortle "Oi, it ain't fun".
"Fine. I'll try not to defy your self-control, Captain Levi" she said with a serious face, until a devilish smile showed up on her face.
His eyes opened wide the instant she pushed him towards the nearest tree, trapping him. Before he could react, she pressed her lips against his, demanding and fiery as she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer, leaving no space whatsoever between them while their mouths sought one another.
Having fallen right into an impassioned make-out session, Levi got incredibly pleased to see how hard the many weeks apart had been for her as well, and despite he'd often envied the female body for not betraying what her mind was thinking about, he could easily tell her necessity of being his was as overwhelming as his. Problem was, after literally being out of breath, the instant they took a little break, instead of finding cheeky smile, something went wrong with her.
"That's it. No more kissing for today" the man said, grabbing her chin to carefully move her face in all directions, unhappy to see how pale she looked.
"I'm okay, Levi" she assured, kindly lowering his hand before shaking her head a few times, fighting a sudden dizziness.
"Tch! I knew getting carried away wasn't wise" he frowned and moved to the side but stayed close enough to catch her if she fainted or something.
"I'm sorry" she muttered and turned around, only to lean her back against the same tree, sliding down the trunk 'til sitting at its base. She then hugged her knees while taking deep, slow breaths to recover.
"You haven't regained your strength yet, Elia. This was pretty reckless".
"But worth it" she joked, yet the angry glare she got showed how serious he was "I know. I thought I was fine but you're right. I'm sorry, Captain" she lowered her head somewhat ashamed.
"Hmph" he complained and looked elsewhere, quite frustrated though not at her. He just should have known better "How are you feeling now?"
"Tired but better" the healer replied, still in the same position when he turned to her "I just need a couple minutes".
"Good. Wait here. I'll get you some water" the man ordered and went searching for the metallic container she always carried it inside her personal bag. And in less than a minute, he was back "Here".
"Thanks" she said, taking it with both hands.
He watched her having a few sips before giving the object back to him. Luckily, the feeble but honest smile she dedicated him managed to calm this fury at himself a little.
"When I said you defy my self-control, I really meant it, woman" Levi reproached, taking a seat by her side but avoiding her gaze. Instead, he stared at the fire, some feet away.
"I won't do it again. I promise" the healer assured as she leaned her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes, breathing normally.
"Damn, I hope not" he huffed, making her smile now that he'd also relaxed "Is not what you and I did but the timing. Even though I'm tired too, my body's trained for years and knows its limits but yours is different. And your energy hasn't fully returned".
"Then I'll get back on track with my training as soon as I can" she declared, chuckling in amusement when he shook his head disapprovingly, but Elia knew it was because they had no hurry.
"Can you walk, or you need a piggyback?"
"No need. It's eighteen steps away, not a mile, Levi" she pointed out, a little exasperated and then sighed.
"Alright. Stand up and walk straight to the stump, then" arms crossed and raising an eyebrow the man defied "I'll quit nagging if you do that without tripping".
Accepting the challenge, the healer first got up and removed the dust from her pants before doing as told, but just when she'd thought her feet were keeping her steady, she stumbled on a broken, hidden branch and almost fell to the ground.
"Oy! Oy! Hold your horses" in the blink of an eye, Levi stopped that from happening. Grumbling to himself, he grabbed her arm to put it around his shoulders, and rounding her waist, he looked at her "C'mon. No more funny businesses for tonight".
Despite sounding much irritated, the soldier never treated her roughly. Actually, within every step, his skillful hands held her firm but also delicately and, in no time, he got her sitting on her blankets. He also went to get his, so she could cover herself.
"Here" he called before throwing the thing at her. A sense of relief spread all over his body when he saw her catching it without trouble, thus, her reflexes worked just fine "It's getting chilly".
The soldier then searched for a bar of soap inside his own bag and checked the buckets of water, noting they had half a bucket left, barely enough to brush their teeth and wash their faces in the morning.
"I'll go do the dishes and get more water" he informed while picking the mugs, plates and stuff from the stump, having glimpsed the discomfort in her features "Why that face?"
"I should be helping" Elia answered, mortified.
"No, you shouldn't" he replied, putting everything inside the empty bucket "It's only fair that I take care of this".
"But…"
"No but" Levi interrupted, heading to the stables but hesitated right before disappearing through the vegetation. Turning to her, he slightly tucked his chin and raised a brow "You better not move. Believe me, I'll now if you did" he warned.
"What if I need to pee?" the healer enquired, in a docile tone yet he also detected some wittiness beneath.
"Do you?"
"Nope… not yet" Rolling his eyes, he resumed his way shaking his head due to her usual unnecessary preoccupation "Hey, don't you leave me here! I can move just fine, Captain Levi!" he half-smiled when he heard her whining like a brat, undoubtedly not used to be the patient.
It's really nice out here… the soldier thought as he walked, finally getting to admire the thousand shining stars around that magnificent full moon.
Taking a deep breath, it still amazed him how different everything was hours ago. Having opened up to her had really helped. To a point of feeling more like his usual self rather than that despicable wimp he'd been for the past months.
You took your bloody time so don't complain… his inner voice reproached when he finally came back, at the sight of the woman's figure laying sideways and fully covered with two other blankets.
A snort of amusement escaped him to see she was fast asleep already. However, when his eyes darted to her side and noted his black blanket, the one he'd been sitting onto, and the extra one kept in his bag, neatly laid out on the ground, half below her, Levi froze.
Perhaps taking her here wasn't the smartest choice in view of this unspoken invitation to sleep so close to each other this soon. Not that he disliked the idea. To be honest, he could hardly wait to hold her close, sex or no sex; just to feel her body, her scent and listen to the sound of her quiet breathing for hours. But he feared hurting her. Or worse, kill her by accident, like last time.
She trusts you with her life, Levi... the Erwin in his mind said, conveying his faith in him.
C'mon, man! Give it a shot… Just keep your hands to yourself, haha… Farlan followed, and he could even picture his stupid wiseass smirk.
Yeah, bro. Man up or she's gonna dump you! Isabel teased.
Having left the bucket next to the other and their stuff inside their bags, the soldier sighed both in defeat and relief, giving in. Still wary, but unlike that awful night, despair and negativity had not taken over his mind. Besides, she knew now better not to try waking him up from a nightmare.
"I'll join you in a sec" Levi muttered, having crouched down in front of her to pull a lock of hair away from her peaceful, sleeping face.
Aware of how cold the night would be, he added more than enough wood to the fire; that'd give them four more extra hours of heat or so. And last but not least, checked for traces of food nearby, to avoid hungry visitors in the middle of the night.
Taking his boots and hood off, he folded the last to serve as a pillow before finally going under the blankets.
Elia… he called as he cuddled up next to her, resting his forehead behind her neck, absolutely marveled by the warmth and comfort only she provided.
Even when he felt in his guts that the future held far more shit than those they'd already faced, the certainty of dealing with it while holding her hand made everything better. And if he came to perish while pursuing his goals, his prey included, he knew she'd sincerely forgive him for sacrificing their happiness, just like he'd have to if it was the other way around; for the woman he loved was as committed and relentless as him in her own fashion.
No matter how I try to speed things up, it still takes me several weeks to update so, my apologies for that. u.u
About the chapter, I guess some might have liked a steamy reunion but I had three reasons not to go for it. First, it wouldn't make much sense considering he'd seen her exhausted, which won't go away just like that, right? Second, even when I love the idea of them doing it in the middle of a forest, it feels weird when the two of them are clean freaks (being one too, is just not that appealing xD). And third, patching things up and finally confessing their feelings for one another seemed more relevant to me, because I've always wanted for our beloved Captain to know what love is, not only passion. I hope I didn't disappoint you guys.
All credits on the song go to Amy Lee and Evanescence. It's one of my youth favorites, and the fact that it fits so perfectly in this story makes me love it even more. n.n
Namárië