A/N: Only 7 weeks until the shows return (10 if you also watch Chicago Fire, which I do). It still seems like it's too long. I know there will be at least one more chapter after this one, which will be about their cruise and Olivia's surgery. After that, I'm not sure how much more I'm going to write. I don't know that I want it to end but it will eventually. Anyway, here's the next chapter and as usual, I don't own any of the characters.
Olivia had a shocked look on her face but Fin didn't seem to be too surprised and Carisi just sat there.
"Liv, please say something."
"This is a shock. Definitely not something I was expecting."
"If you want to transfer me out, I understand."
"Maybe I should be the one to transfer out. I did pass the Bar, so I could go work for Barba or something."
"No one is transferring out. We're too short handed as it is. Fin, you're not surprised?"
"Not really."
"I thought it was just me that felt that way,"
"You love me too?"
"Yeah. I wasn't sure I should have feelings for you because we work together."
"If you two can keep your personal and professional relationships separate, I'll allow it. Let's just see how things go."
"Got it, Lieutenant."
"Thank, Liv."
"Honestly, I can't say I'm completely surprised. He's good with Jesse."
"He is. That's what made me realize how I felt about him. If we're going to do this though, maybe you should start calling me Amanda instead of Rollins."
"Only if you call me Sonny."
"Not Dominick?"
"I prefer Sonny. The rest of the women in my life call me Dominick."
Amanda leaned over and kissed Carisi on the cheek and he did the same to her. Then Hank came in carrying Daniel and Ed was there too.
"How long have you felt this way?"
"A while. I didn't know how to bring it up to you because of what was going on with you."
"With me?"
Olivia saw Ed and figured out what Rollins was talking about.
"I get it but I can't believe you'd think that about me though."
"It wasn't just me though.'
"Both of you as well?"
"Pretty much."
"I didn't want to get yelled at or told to mind my own business. It was obvious to me that you felt something for Voight during the Yates trial because Yates accusing him of doing that stuff to Nadia wouldn't have pissed you off a much as it did if you didn't care about him. You should have told him how you felt sooner."
"You're absolutely right, Fin. I know I should have but I didn't want to say something and not have him feel the same way about me. What was I supposed to do?"
"Liv, are you even listening to yourself? He told you how he felt about you and you basically said you didn't feel the same way about him when we were in Chicago by telling him you were with someone else. Ok, so maybe Tucker isn't the ogre he once was and he did help to get you out of that situation in the townhouse but that doesn't mean you should have started dating the guy especially when you had feelings for someone else. I saved you at Sealview and I care about you a lot but I wouldn't have expected your heart in return just because I saved you."
"That's not why it happened. I was tired of being alone."
"I get that but you couldn't have done that with Voight?"
"I'm not a mind reader."
"Neither is he. The guy also lost his wife. People who lose a spouse have a harder time realizing how they feel because they've experienced a loss and it's harder for them to move on. People who are divorced have their own issues. At least you had enough decency to tell him. He could have told you how he felt and you could have said nothing. He then comes here for another case and finds out that way or by accident. If we had had a joint case with Intelligence when you were 'transferred out' of SVU and he asked where you were, what would you have wanted us to tell him? She was transferred out of SVU because her boyfriend, the guy from IAB, is being investigated for possibly withholding information on a case SVU was working on and instead of telling of Barba she was dating the guy, he has to find out another way. I don't blame Barba one bit for 'ratting' you out to 1PP. I'm guessing that wouldn't have gone over real big with Voight and I'm guessing it would have been a cold day in hell before he ever spoke to you again. Did Tucker even know you were interested in someone else?"
"Not at first. He sensed my mood was different after I came back from Chicago but then we had that case involving Commissioner Abraham. During the case when I was temporarily transferred out of SVU, I thought about taking Noah to Chicago for a few days but I figured maybe Hank needed more time to cool off. I wanted to support Ed through all that, so I decided against going to Chicago. It wasn't until Dodds was in the hospital and Chief Dodds said Mike's fiancée was in Chicago, I started realizing that I wasn't being honest with myself about my feelings for Hank, which meant I wasn't being honest with Ed either. After he invited us to go to Paris and as tempting as it was, I sat him down and told him I wasn't being completely honest with him. When he first asked me out, I wasn't sure I wanted to go out with him but it allowed me to see another side of him that very few people get to see. I don't know that he could have been my happily ever after because I didn't love him the way I loved Hank. I'm glad we're friends and I'm glad he and Hank have become friends. Mostly I'm glad that Hank forgave me for the way things were left between us. I never heard how you two felt about the entire thing."
"I thought it was kind of weird."
"Awkward would be a good word. When we came to tell you about Barba when we were waiting to hear about Dodds, you were sleeping on Tucker's shoulder and we both stopped dead in our tracks."
"I know I shouldn't be making a judgement after what I just told you about me. Actually, though, it's been nice to see that there is actually a softer side to him after everything he's put us through. I still like you and Sergeant Voight better though and Fin was right, it was obvious that you felt something for him."
"I appreciate your honesty, Amanda."
"I know I'm probably the least likely person to become involved with anyone. Olivia become one of the few people I grew to trust. She and now Hank are really the only ones who know about my past. I'm divorced because she cheated on me and I had difficulty trusting anyone. I joined IAB to confirm that. I don't care what people say or think about me and I know I am probably the most hated cop with the NYPD. Maybe now I do care because people saw me differently after the investigation. I've never been one to have friendships because I was never able to see the good in anyone. After the William Lewis thing, I started realizing that maybe Olivia could be trusted. I knew it could be bad for both of us if people knew we were seeing each other. When I was being investigated for that incident involving my cousin, I told Olivia to let me deal with it on my own but she stuck by me. No one has ever done that before especially when it could have cost her her job. Our relationship was basically the reason I gave up IAB."
"I noticed that when I told you what happened to Dodds, you didn't seem like you were going to investigate it, which I think is a first."
"I probably could have but you did nothing wrong and neither did Dodds. I guess I wanted to show some support for you and your Squad after what you did for me."
Hank handed Daniel to Olivia and got up.
"I need to put the crib somewhere, so he can go to sleep.
"Ok."
"Need help?"
"Sure."
Hank kissed Olivia and then he and Al went upstairs to move the crib to Noah's room. Noah came downstairs.
"Mommy."
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"It's ok. Just don't let it happen again."
"Ok."
Olivia's phone rang, so she answered it she saw it was Olive. After she was done, she hung up.
"What's wrong?"
"That was Olive. She had an argument with her parents, so they left and went home. The babies are a lot for her to handle on her own right now. HANK!"
"JUST A MINUTE."
Hank and Olinsky came downstairs.
"What?"
"Olive just called. She said she had an argument with her parents, so they left and went home. The babies are too much for her to deal with on her own right now."
"I'll see if I can get a flight to Chicago. Am I taking the boys?"
"Let me see if I can get Daniel into the daycare I take Noah to."
"We're still planning to stay. We can take them."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah."
"Ok. I was only planning to work part of the day on Friday, so I can book a flight to Chicago for the boys and me on Friday afternoon. I'm guessing the babies are part of the reason Daniel isn't sleeping, so if he stays here with me, he can at least sleep. Are you guys staying here then?"
"If you have the room."
"We'll be fine."
"Hey, Erin, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure."
Amanda got up and then she and Erin went into the kitchen to talk. Hank got out the laptop and looked to see if he could get a flight.
"There's a flight tonight."
Olivia didn't say anything.
"Does tomorrow work better for you?"
Olivia nodded her head and Erin and Amanda came back into the room.
"Ok. Are you driving me to the airport?"
"Maybe."
"Just maybe?"
"Uh huh!"
Olivia started pouting.
"Don't give me that pouty face of yours."
"I can't help it. I don't want you to go. I hate being apart from you."
"I don't like it any more than you do but Olive needs me right now."
"I need you too. What if something happens to me and you're not here?"
"You'll have Erin here. You'll be fine."
"I'm going to be needing you for something else pretty soon."
"We'll talk about that later."
Hank kissed Olivia.
"So, Hank, how long has it been since you two had sex?"
"None of your business, Erin."
"That long, huh?"
"I was here the weekend before her birthday when we got married. Lucy took Noah for the entire weekend. You figure it out."
"I am looking forward to this cruise."
"I am too. I am looking forward to peace and quiet."
"Definitely but that's not all I'm looking forward to while we're there. We won't be able to do anything for a while after my surgery."
"Yeah, I know. It'll be unforgettable. You have my word."
"It usually is with you. You saying those 4 words has really become a turn on for me."
"Ew! Just stop it right now!"
"Geez, Erin!"
Dang, Liv, aren't you two a little old to be acting like this?"
"Um, no."
"I walked in on them 3 months ago right after they got engaged."
"That's because you didn't knock and it wasn't right after. We already celebrated that."
"Well, excuse me for interrupting anyway."
"Uh huh."
"When is your surgery scheduled for?"
"Tuesday after we get back. We're back in New York late the 12th. We get in that morning and have a flight a few hours after that."
"Liv, you told Barba about your surgery, right?"
"Yes. Honey, did you find a flight?"
"8AM. There's one at 2PM on Friday. Do you want me to book that for you and the boys?"
"Yeah. Might as well."
"Is that the one out of LaGuardia?"
"Yes, on United."
"That's the one we're on."
"Is Daniel already scheduled?"
"Yes."
"Do you want an aisle or window seat for Noah?"
"Window."
"Ok. I'm also booking the return flight. Monday?"
"That's fine."
Hank finished making the reservations.
"I probably need to get a car."
"Mine is at the airport. Go ahead and take it. Here are the keys. You'll just have to pick us up."
"Thanks. I'll probably bring Olive's SUV to pick you up, since I need to get Olivia and the boys anyway."
"Just as long as you don't forget about us. I am sorry about what I said before."
"I'm not mad."
"Neither am I."
"What do you guys have scheduled for tomorrow?"
"They want to go to the place where we found Nadia and to the 9/11 Memorial. They also want to see where SVU is. We might want to check out Rockefeller Center with all the trees too."
"It's really beautiful. I have never seen Chicago all lit up."
"I'll take care of that."
"Are you just going to drive us around? Noah loves looking at lights and decorations."
"No. I will make arrangements for us to go on a carriage ride. Someone I know owns one of the companies, so I just have to let him know when. Bring warm clothes."
"That sounds like fun. Doesn't it, Noah?"
"Yeah."
"We have that here too but I've never done it before."
"Never?"
"Nope. None of the other guys I have been in relationships have been overly romantic. The only other one maybe would have been Ed since I almost went to Paris with him."
"I probably would have."
"It's been a while since I last did it. The last time I went was before Camille got so sick."
"That would have been fun to do on our wedding day if we had done a big wedding of course."
"Did you want one?"
"Not really."
"Not really usually means yes. You should have said something."
"It doesn't make much difference now, does it?"
"Of course it does. You should have had the type of wedding you wanted."
"I'm fine with what we did. Really. All I care about is being with you anyway. I don't care how we got there. I don't regret anything that happened these last 6 months. You're my husband and Noah's daddy and that's all that matters. You accomplished something that thankfully no one else ever did and that was of course getting me pregnant even if it was only for 8 weeks. You're the only one I could see anything long term with anyway. What happened with Ed was completely unexpected. If someone had told me just a few years ago that I'd end up in a relationship with Ed Tucker, I probably would have laughed in their face. Why would I ever get involved with let alone sleep with someone I hated and didn't trust?"
"Did you love him?"
"I did but not the same way I love you. I didn't want to hurt him when I told him I wasn't being honest with myself, so then I wasn't being honest with him. I could never be truly happy with him until I admitted my true feelings for you. If I had gone to Chicago and you had refused to talk to me or said you couldn't love me for saying what I said, I guess I would have had to accept it and move on as hard as it would have been. I would have hoped I would have been able to convince you that I did love you and that we belonged together. Even though I'm with you, I still care about Ed and I do worry that something could happen to him because of his job."
"I understand that and I am fine with it. I know he still cares about you too."
"I'm the same way. I may be with Jay but I still worry about something happening to Kelly and he told me that he worries about me too."
"I was seeing Gabby for a while and I still worry about her. More so now that she's a firefighter and not a paramedic."
"It can still happen to paramedics though. Look at what happened to Shay."
"Yeah, true."
"Halstead, when did you date my sister?"
"Right around the time she, Herrmann and Otis bought Molly's and were looking for investors."
"Oh, yeah. I do remember that. You were working undercover."
"Yep."
"I still care about Kim too."
"Any plans to get back together?"
"Right now, no but we're talking more. I hated that she became involved with Roman and I found out about it the way I did. I need to work out my fear of commitment. We hang out together at Molly's sometimes though. Do you guys ever hear from Amaro?"
"I haven't heard anything since he moved to California."
"Me neither."
"Neither have I."
"What happened with Roman?"
"He was shot and had damage to his shooting arm. CPD wouldn't approve the surgery to repair the damage and he decided to move to San Diego or something because he didn't want to be on desk duty."
"That almost sounds like what happened to Amaro. He was shot in the knee and abdomen, which hit his liver, by Johnny D, who also shot and killed one of the Court Officers, shot another one and shot Judge Barth. Nick shot and killed Johnny D. Nick really had no chance of being promoted and he had been interested in taking the Sergeant's exam to become my #2 when Fin said he didn't want it. After the shooting, he retired and moved to California to be closer to his kids."
"Who was Johnny D?"
He was a pimp/sex trafficker, who turned out to be Noah's biological father. After I had passed the home inspection and was allowed to start the formal adoption, I told Trevor Langan, who was one of the Defense Attorneys we dealt with regularly and was Noah's biological mother's lawyer when we arrested her. He took over representing Noah and then we worked together on the adoption. He was the lawyer that represented when the Rat Squad was charging me with a murder I didn't commit. Anyway, I told Trevor we found out who Noah's biological father was, just so he was aware of it. Barba had advised me not to say anything but I'm not a good at lying. Johnny's lawyer found out and they were using Noah as leverage to get him a deal. Barba knew the Court could allow him to get some kind of visitation and there was a possibility that I'd have to take Noah to see him at the prison until he's 18. I didn't want this information to come back and bite me in the rear end, so I informed IAB of the situation just in case."
"Burgess shot the black kid who shot Roman. He first denied that he was the one but footage showed him tossing his gun into the water. Of course on the day of the trial things were getting tense because all the protestors were at the Courthouse. For her safety, Lindsay and Platt drove Burgess to the Courthouse and the rest of us escorted her in, even though she was not the one on trial. The guy got a reduced sentence but still has to serve some time."
The Assistant State's Attorney asked me how I felt about it. I said the guy shot at my friends. To me friendship is more important to me than being black or white. I do sometimes feel like I'm targeted more than the rest of you but if it had been me in that situation, I probably would have shot him. Sure I have my family but I have come to realize that we're all a family too."
"We had a case similar to that except the police shot the wrong person. The guy they shot had no weapon. Fortunately, it wasn't any of my Detectives that were involved as the ones that shot him were indicted by the Grand Jury. The kid died and then during a routine traffic stop, a cop was shot and killed. Barba asked me what I would have done then and I still don't know. I probably would have tazed him first. If I felt my life or the lives of one of my Detectives was put in danger, I may have shot the person."
"I didn't have an opinion then and I still don't now. Although I wanted to shoot those idiots today. I agree with Atwater though that friendships are more important than the color of my skin. The Squad is also family and if someone has a gun pointed at one of them or if they pull the trigger and shoot one of them, I wouldn't think twice about shooting someone. I'd take a bullet for one of them in a heartbeat. If I could have, I would have shot William Lewis and I would have shot Johnny D too. If IAB wanted to take my badge from me, fine. It would have been worth it."
"In both cases, it would have been justified. For once I didn't have to investigate Amaro when he killed Johnny D."
"Let me get this straight, if Fin had killed William Lewis, it would have been justified but when you thought I killed him, you were ready to take my badge."
"At the time, I thought you did kill him because your prints were all over the weapon and from the way he had been shot."
"He wanted to play Russian roulette. I probably should have been the one that died because that bullet in his gun was supposed to have been mine. That's how he was. He liked playing mind games and he wanted to stay in my head for a long time. Sometimes he's still there. I get that going through my head and what happened with Dodds still goes through my head. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep in the days following Dodds' death just like I didn't get much after when happened with Lewis."
"I know how you were after Dodds' death for sure, since I was there holding you all night."
"And I do appreciate that. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Rollins, is Amaro the father of your daughter?"
"No, Sir, he's not. Lieutenant Murphy is."
"How'd that happen? If you don't mind me asking."
"Obviously you knew about my gambling addiction."
"Yeah."
"I went to this club and I was off duty. I was in debt up to my ears but I couldn't quit. At first, I didn't know it was an illegal club."
"I do remember that."
"That's how we met. Declan was working undercover to get Johnny D at the same time we were. It happened right after that but it just sort of happened. He knows about her but he's never met her. I have sent him pictures of her."
"Is there something going on between you and Detective Carisi?"
"Nothing gets passed you, does it?"
"Not really."
"He's been great with Jesse and I finally admitted it to the entire Squad that I'm in love with him. Maybe I should have told him before I told Liv and Fin but everyone now knows."
"Rollins, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with Carisi? He can be pretty annoying."
"I know that, Fin. He was at first but he has gotten better."
"I realized I started having feelings for her before Jesse was even born."
"Just be careful."
"Liv said to try to keep our personal and professional lives separate and we'll see how things go."
"That makes perfect sense. I should probably get going."
"Ok. We should do this again."
"Maybe when you're doing better."
"That works for us."
"Thanks for dinner."
"No problem."
"Are you working next week?"
"Hopefully."
"Maybe we'll have lunch one day next week then."
"Ok. Sounds like a plan to me."
Ed got up and Olivia went to get his coat.
"It was nice meeting all of you."
"You too."
Ed left and then Fin, Amanda and Carisi got ready to leave as well.
"Have a safe trip."
"Thanks."
"Maybe we'll see you guys tomorrow."
"Probably."
The 3 of them put their coats on and left.
"We have the extra bedroom, the sofa bed in the office, the sofa in here or the family room and the bunk beds in Noah's room. He's still in his toddler bed."
"Is the guest room co-ed?"
"I'm fine with it."
Erin looked at Hank.
"Just don't do anything."
Erin gave Hank a hug.
"I'll sleep in one of the bunk beds."
"Me too."
"I guess I'll take the sofa bed."
"I'll take the sofa."
"Ok."
The guys went out to get the stuff, while Olivia and Erin went to put sheets on the beds. Hank took the boys up and gave them a bath. Everyone got settled wherever they were sleeping. Atwater and Ruzek read Noah and Daniel their story once Hank got them ready for bed. Hank went into the bedroom to pack and Olivia was sitting on the bed crying.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm just thinking about what could have been."
"The baby?"
"Yeah."
"This is the 3rd child I've lost."
"This isn't about you."
"Yeah, it is. That was our baby. I need to mourn the loss too. I should have been there."
"What difference would it have made?"
"It probably wouldn't have made much difference but at least we would have been able to be there for each other. It's obvious you don't care about my feelings."
"Don't say that. I love you."
"If you did, you would have called me when this happened and you wouldn't have waited so long to tell me. You're acting like you're the only person this happened to. I'm guessing if you hadn't come to Chicago, you wouldn't have told me."
"Of course I would."
"When? I would have noticed that your belly wasn't getting bigger. You must really think I'm an idiot."
"No, I don't. I'm the idiot. I know I should have told you and I'm sorry. I'm just having a hard time dealing with this. I need you so much. I know this is the 3rd child you lost. When I first realized I was pregnant, I was so happy. I knew this baby would never fill the void left in your life when Justin died but he or she would have been a part of both of us. I also thought it would solidify our relationship and make our love stronger."
"We're solid enough and we don't need a baby to make our love stronger. Come here."
Hank sat down on the bed and wrapped his arms around Olivia. Then he kissed her.
"I love you so much."
"I love you too."
Hank and Olivia kissed again, got ready for bed and went to sleep. Early the next morning, Hank woke up and went to take a shower. Olivia woke up and went to join him. She got in the shower and wrapped her arms around him.
"Good morning, Gorgeous."
"Good morning yourself, Sexy."
Hank turned around, wrapped his arms around Olivia and they started kissing.
"You'll call me when you get there, right?"
"You know I will."
"Good."
They kissed again and then Hank finished up before getting out of the shower, while Olivia finished her shower. Hank got dressed and went downstairs to make some coffee. Olinsky came into the kitchen.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"I changed my reservation, so I'm going with you."
"Good. You don't want to go to any of the places the rest of the group was going to?"
"I went the last time I was here."
"That's right. You did."
Noah and Daniel came downstairs.
"Hi, Daddy."
"Hey, Buddy."
"Are you leaving?"
"I need to go to Chicago. Olive needs help with the twins. You, Daniel and Mommy will fly out there tomorrow with Erin and everyone else."
"Ok. Is Uncle Al going with you?"
"He is now. Daniel, did you climb out of your crib?"
"Yeah!"
"I guess we need to get you a toddler bed too."
"Daddy."
"What?"
"Uncle Kevin and Uncle Adam snore."
"Maybe Mommy will let you sleep with her tonight."
"Good."
Hank found something for breakfast and then Olivia came down in her robe.
"I'm not as behind as it looks. I just need to dry my hair."
"Ok. Olinsky is going back with me."
"Ok. I'd tell you two to behave but I know better."
"You're real funny. You need to behave."
"I always do."
Olivia got a call and once she got the information, she went up to finish getting ready.
"I have to go. I can't take you to the airport. Sorry."
"That's ok."
Olivia put her coat on and kissed Hank, Noah and Daniel.
"I'll let you know when I'm at the Precinct."
"Ok. I love you."
"I love you too."
Olivia left and headed to the hospital. As soon as she left, Erin and Antonio came into the kitchen.
"Who rented the car?"
"I did."
"We need a ride to the airport. Olivia had to go to the hospital for a case."
"Ok. Wait, Olinsky is going too?"
"Yep."
"Daddy, can we go to the airport too?"
"Sure. Go to the bathroom first."
"Ok."
Noah went up to the bathroom and then he came back down. Hank put their coats and boots on and as soon as everyone was ready to go, they left for the airport. Antonio put his coat on and went to shovel the sidewalk and driveway. Erin dropped Hank and Al off at the airport and headed back to the house with the boys.
A couple hours had passed and the flight for Chicago was just taking off. Olivia and the Squad had returned to the Precinct and she texted Hank to let him know she was there. The rest of the group at the house had taken their showers, got dressed and had something to eat before heading to the beach where they found Nadia and to the 9/11 Memorial. Erin then drove to the Precinct. When they arrived, they got out of the SUV and went up. When they got to the Squad Room, Olivia was in her office with Chief Dodds.
"That's not good."
"It never is."
"I think he's just bein' a Scrooge and here to spread holiday misery as usual."
"Fin, you're too funny."
Olivia's door opened and they both came out.
"If you change your mind about the party later, here's the name of the place where it will be."
"Thanks for the invitation, Chief but like I said, I have house guests and I also need to pack to fly to Chicago tomorrow afternoon. My husband is on his way there now. Our daughter-in-law had twins about a week ago and they are a little too much for her to deal with on her own."
"What happened to her husband?"
"He was killed trying to help a friend. He died around the same time Mike did. I didn't mean to bring him up."
"That's ok. I find that it helps to talk about him. My other son and my ex wife are flying in for the weekend. We figured we might as well spend one holiday together. Mike always loved Christmas."
Daniel went up to Olivia and wanted her to pick him up.
"Miss Papa."
"I do too."
"Who's this?"
"This is Daniel, our oldest grandson."
"I can't picture you as a grandma."
"It's not so bad. He is such a sweet boy."
"How old is he?"
"19 months."
Olivia introduced Chief Dodds to the rest of the group from Intelligence and then he left. Hank called Olivia when they landed to let her know everything was fine and he was headed to the house to help Olive out with the twins.
By the time Olivia and the boys arrived in Chicago the following afternoon, Hank had made the arrangements to take Olivia and Noah on a carriage ride around the City, so they could look at the lights. They celebrated Christmas as a family and returned to New York. Once they were home, Noah got to open the rest of his presents and Daniel would open his when they got to New York. Olivia worked for the last few days of the year and that might have been her last time in a while. She hadn't decided if she was going to work when they returned from their cruise. She probably wouldn't decide that until they got back.
Stay tuned…
Reviews are appreciated.