A/N: so I'm sorry I've been away. I am fighting a month-long migraine. finally the past three days I have been good. but I miss you guys. I hope you enjoy this chapter, it has become my favorite Jade Chapter. after this I only have one more chapter written out, so updates to this... might slow even more... that was the other reason Why I didn't try to post this. See you soon!~S.K.
Chapter 20: Controlling the Fall
"You were born for the pictures Little girl." My mom would say to me. That was something I heard every day when I was little as she brushed my hair. Effectively, I was born in LA on August 26, 1993. At Cedar's, because Mamma said she needed me to have a good start in show business.
She wanted me to work pretty much from the start. I had ruined her chances she said So I had to take up the mantle and pay my dues. I was three months old my first gig. You know, those babies smeared with raspberry preserves and mayonnaise during birth scenes in hospital dramas? I booked three of those very early. When I learned to sit and Crawl and walk, I did diapers. And baby food commercials. I also did pull-ups. My face was a commodity. My mother kept me pretty and made sure I didn't break my skin just so I could keep working. My diaper commercials still come up, and I still cringe. I tell no one it's me, as my bare little bottom is flashed on the screen.
I knew the warmth of stage lights better than the warmth of my mother's touch and by the time I was one, I had been handled on a stage so much that I was a docile little kid.
How can I be so sure about what I am saying? You would think the trauma of those years wouldn't be so clear to me. I'm nearly thirty years old now. I have the luck of having an indelible memory. I'm lucky I have completely blocked the memory of my birth… because everything else to me is crystal clear. I remember everything I have ever lived, thought felt. You can imagine the depth of my PTSD. Thank god for therapy. That is why finding the theme for this memoir has proven so difficult. What is the overarching thread of my life? And I hope to give it to you here. So you can understand how Jade West could have gotten here.
The conclusion is that I am a little paper doll. Made up to look beautiful, and malleable, and bendable… and easily torn to pieces.
Jade stared at the screen of the first page of her memoir. It was proving to be cathartic to let all of this story out. But she had avoided sitting in front of the computer to do this. To examine the things she has lived.
The door to her bedroom opened, and Jade shut the lid to her computer and turned toward Tori. "morning." Tori said with a yawn.
Jade smiled and pulled the woman to her. She kissed her softly "Morning." Tori smiled and wrapped her arms around Jade's neck. She was aware of how lucky Tori felt. But Tori couldn't possibly know how seen Jade felt by her. Jade felt lucky too. "You ready to head to the gym?"
Tori moaned and put her head on Jade's shoulder. "No… baby, I haven't worked out in so long/"
"It's going to be so good for mood stabilization. I promise," Jade said.
"Should we eat first?" Tori said.
"After. Let's go." Jade said and the two of them went to get ready for the gym.
I loved being that for my mom, you know. I wanted to be her little paper doll, because that was how she loved me best. That was when she was nicest to me. Sometimes she would give me little cakes and call me her pretty baby, and tell me. "You were born for the pictures little girl."
You know I enjoyed it too. This was a fun time for me in the industry, until I learned how to read, Momma made sure I learned how to do that and fast. She would spend hours with me with flashcards the moment she realized I knew what letters were. I was two and a half when I became literate. And I was fully reading books by the time I was four. I loved reading. And my momma indulged me. I got my first feature film then. I played a toddler, so I didn't have a lot of lines, but I had them, and the director loved that he didn't have to have a wrangler to feed me lines off-screen for it.
Merryl was my favorite wrangler. I met her in that feature. That was the first person that noticed me. She really saw me. See my mom wanted me to stay looking like a younger girl, so she had introduced calorie restriction for me. I remember, that Mom would only let me eat at home. And she would feed me half a grapefruit for breakfast because when I worked, there was always a lot of food in crafts services. She warned me never to eat cookies or doughnuts. And she would get me a salad and have me eat lettuce and tomatoes for lunch. Not the whole salad mind you, I had to share it with her. No dressing. Then once I was able to go home, I just didn't eat.
While in that MOvie, however, Merryl used to sneak cookies and brownies to me. And as we filmed, I had a tiny growth spurt and instead of looking two, I started to look more like I was three… I was four years old, but My mother lost her mind. Meryll got fired. But my costar never stopped feeding me. Momma couldn't do anything about that.
Jade and Tori navigated the gym together, a shared determination evident in their focused workout routine. The air buzzed with their playful banter and genuine affection as they moved from one exercise to the next.
As Jade spotted Tori doing lunges, she couldn't resist playfully slapping Tori's backside. Tori, in turn, responded with a mock gasp, feigning offense before breaking into laughter. The gym echoed with their carefree energy, a stark contrast to the serious atmosphere surrounding the weightlifting equipment.
In the midst of their playful interaction, a couple of fans approached their expressions a mix of excitement and skepticism. They exchanged hushed words, glancing at Jade and Tori as if trying to confirm their suspicions.
"Hey, Jade! Tori! Can we get a selfie?" one of the fans mustered the courage to ask.
Jade, willing to engage with fans who respect her privacy, nodded with a smile. Tori joined in, the affectionate atmosphere lingering as they posed for the photo. However, the mood took an unexpected turn as the other fan couldn't contain their skepticism.
"Seriously, though. This whole thing with you two? It's just too convenient," the fan said, a hint of accusation in their tone. "Struggling actress dates a super fan, and suddenly Jade's back in the spotlight, dispelling all those rumors about her being homophobic. Come on, it's so obvious."
Jade's smile faded, replaced by a look of irritation. Tori, not one to let someone tarnish their happiness, stepped forward, placing herself between Jade and the critical fan.
"Excuse me? You don't know anything about us," Tori retorted, her voice firm. "This is real. We're in love, and Jade's not using me for anything. You're just a bitter fan with too much time on your hands."
The fan, caught off guard by Tori's assertiveness, stammered for a response. Tori wasn't finished, though.
"And not that it's any of your business, but this is real. Jade's not just some celebrity to me. She's a person, and we're together because we care about each other," Tori continued, her words cutting through the air with conviction.
Jade, surprised and touched by Tori's defense, looked at her with a soft expression. Tori turned back to the fan, her tone unwavering.
"So, before you make assumptions, maybe focus on your own life. We don't owe anyone an explanation about our relationship. Now, if you don't mind, we're trying to work out here," Tori concluded, her gaze challenging the fan to argue further.
The fan, silenced by Tori's bold defense, mumbled an apology and walked away, leaving Jade and Tori to resume their workout. As the gym returned to its normal rhythm, Jade couldn't help but feel a deeper connection to Tori. The realization that someone was willing to stand up for her, not because of fame or convenience, but out of genuine love, made Jade fall a little more in love with Tori in return.
To this day, I have a hard time eating in front of people. I always feel like I have to hide the foods that I love…. And I love most food. I could write entire soliloquies and Arias about all of the food I love. But you would never know it. My lover has yet to see me eat anything to this date. I know it's strange, but I'm always afraid that I will be judged for putting the food into my mouth.
The calorie restriction followed me until my mother died, and "Honor Bound" was not the only film where my co-stars and handlers fed me. Like I said it was in secret. No one has seen me eat in years.
My relationship with my early career: I was motivated by food. I loved working and begged for auditions just so that I could work. I was so good at auditions. My mother was thrilled. She knew the industry inside and out. I was the go-to kid. I was booked solid for the first ten years of my life.
The more fame I got, the worse my home life got. It wasn't just that they wouldn't feed me at home. It was that they couldn't.
Mom never worked. She said taking me to work was her job. And she took my money and paid herself with it. Dad didn't work either. My dad took my money and gambled. His gambling addiction fed his heroin addiction. Momma was into Heroin too. So my parents literally forgot to feed me. If the wranglers didn't come get me when I was working, I'd never show up to work. Then they would sober up long enough to get me to another audition.
They also bought this huge house after I won the Oscar for "Treason" and about themselves some really cool cars, but if you went into my house, it was incredibly bare. Especially the fridge. So to say I had an obsession….
The morning sunlight spilled into the room as Jade and Tori returned from their gym session. Tori, brimming with energy, looked at Jade with a warm smile.
"What do you want for breakfast?" Tori asked a hint of excitement in her voice.
Jade hesitated, her eyes flickering away for a moment. "Oh, I'm not sure. I'll grab something after my shower," she replied, already moving toward the bedroom.
Tori furrowed her brow but didn't press the matter. She followed Jade into the room, where Jade began to change. Tori contemplated the slight change in Jade's demeanor. There was something Tori couldn't quite put her finger on, a subtle unease that lingered around Jade when it came to food.
As they left the bedroom, Tori suggested, "How about we make something together? It could be fun."
Jade hesitated again, her eyes avoiding Tori's gaze. "Maybe later. I really need a shower," she said, heading toward the bathroom.
Tori watched Jade go, a small frown forming on her face. She couldn't shake the feeling that Jade was avoiding something, but she decided not to push it. Instead, Tori went to the kitchen and prepared a simple breakfast for herself, glancing toward the bathroom occasionally.
When Jade emerged from the shower, Tori had finished eating. "my turn," Tori said, smiling as she headed to the bathroom.
Alone in the kitchen, Jade took a deep breath. The memories of her mother's actions regarding food flashed in her mind, and the discomfort with eating in front of others resurfaced. She decided to make herself something when Tori was in the shower – a decadent avocado toast with garlic and chilis.
Jade swiftly prepared the dish, savoring the flavors in solitude. The act of eating felt intimate, and personal. By the time Tori returned, Jade had already finished her meal. Tori, unaware of Jade's internal struggle, greeted her with a smile.
Jade settled in front of her computer, fingers poised over the keyboard as she delved into her writing. Tori, bustling with energy, entered the room with an inquisitive look.
"Hey, Jade, are you heading to the picket line today?" Tori asked, her eyes sparkling with enthusiasm.
Jade glanced up, a thoughtful expression on her face. "I was planning to write a bit more first and then head out. Why?"
Tori grinned. "What if I join you and vlog about it? We can show everyone the reality of the strike, and maybe it'll bring more support."
Jade considered Tori's proposal, a small smile tugging at the corner of her lips. "You want to vlog the picket line?"
"Yeah, why not? We could document the whole experience and share it with our followers. It might bring more attention to the cause," Tori suggested.
Jade nodded, appreciating Tori's eagerness to contribute. "Sure, that could work. Just be prepared for some intense energy out there. It's not all sunshine and rainbows."
Tori chuckled. "I can handle it. Plus, we'll be together. It'll be like an adventure."
"An adventure, huh?" Jade mused a hint of amusement in her eyes. "Okay, let me finish this section, and then we'll head out together. Deal?"
"Deal!" Tori agreed, already reaching for her camera. The prospect of vlogging added a new layer of excitement to the day, and Tori couldn't wait to share their experiences with the world.
I know it bothers Tori, my partner. I can see the concern in her eyes, whenever I retreat when she or anyone else is leaving. But I just get so filled with anxiety if I eat with everyone. Yeah if you didn't already know. I'm an Anxious mess.
Anxiety was not a thing til after I was ten. When I stopped loving acting the way I used to. When I was ten, was the first time I met Ben. That was when this life began to be a living hell.