"Mmh..."
Shinji curled up beneath his sheets, wishing to fall back asleep. He'd been having a dream, a good one, he knew, even if its details were now trickling from his waking mind like grains of sand.
He was sitting in a meadow, tall grass itching his legs, then a comforting voice, a familiar voice, one warm and loving that he hadn't heard in a long time called out to him.
She appeared before him in a fizzle of watercolor, cloudy and odd, but he knew who it was.
'Mother...' he echoed distantly. He couldn't seem to hear his own voice.
She held out her arms to him and smiled, just in that perfect, heart-melting way he always remembered, ready to take him into an embrace. He ran to her, lips upturned. She was so beautiful, more and more so the closer he got. He wished he could always be near her, always have the right to look at her sweet face. He missed it so much.
He was only inches from her then, springy grass propelling him forward like the ground itself knew how much he longed to see her. How long they'd been apart from each other.
'Here, come here, my darling boy... my sweet Nagisa-chan!"
Shinji slid on the grass and stopped.
Nagisa...
The dream went void and white.
Wait,
What?
Shinji made a face beneath the blankets. Now what the hell was Kaworu doing infesting his dreams like that? The strange, pale boy's name echoed in his mind and Shinji felt himself growing even more confused as his consciousness returned. He wasn't just thinking about Kaworu, he could sense him somehow... was that his scent?
He cracked open his eyes with furrowed brows, only to find himself in a bed he knew he hadn't fallen asleep in.
Seriously... what?
This was Kaworu's room, he knew it. The depressing, slate grey paneled walls were familiar as anything, and again, Kaworu's scent was so prominent, almost overwhelming.
But that couldn't be right... Shinji hadn't visited, much less slept over in Kaworu's room in at least a week. Shinji could remember him pouting about not getting a visit after they finished synchro testing yesterday, so how in the world had he ended up here?
And then another thing... if this was Kaworu's room, then where was Kaworu?
Shinji yawned, letting his eyes fall shut again as he grudgingly pushed himself up into a sitting position, posture hunched.
The very moment he opened his eyes again, he knew something was wrong.
Something grey and messy blurred his vision. He swiped it out of the way stupidly, only for it to fall back into place. He aggressively rubbed his fists into his eyes, but when he looked down, he felt his stomach drop about a mile.
His skin was far too pale.
Dazedly, he held up his hands and spread out his fingers. The hands that were far too big, and the fingers that were far too long to be his own.
"What the-" Shinji interrupted himself with a gasp, covering his mouth. That was not his voice.
He thrashed about, gracelessly catching himself in the sheets and thumping onto the ground. He scrambled up, unbalanced.
Bumbling through the room, he made for the cramped little bathroom on the other side of the wall. He gripped the counter in front of the sink to stop himself slipping and cracking his head open, which was lucky, because if he hadn't been gripping onto something so tightly, he was sure he would've fainted.
The mirror reflected Shinji's expression of shock exactly, except on Kaworu's face.
Kaworu, his pupils tiny with fear, his face drained of even more color than usual. Shinji reached up and touched his face, watching as Kaworu did the same. He whimpered, then screamed.
"This is a dream! This is a dream - I'm not awake yet!"
He tugged his - no, Kaworu's hair and shut his eyes tight. "Dammit, let me wake up!"
He breathed through his teeth, hoping that when he next opened his eyes, he'd be back in his bed in his body. But to no avail. All he'd achieved himself was a headache from pulling at his scalp, and wasn't pain meant to wake you from dreams?
'A nightmare?' Shinji thought dimly. But was this really in his head...?
If this was a dream, then his brain had really stepped up from the usual degree of complexity. He'd never been conscious while dreaming before, and everything just felt so real. Compared with what he'd just imagined of his mother, this was something else entirely.
He stared at the mirror with wide eyes, lip trembling in a way that made Kaworu's usually charming face quite uncharacteristically weak.
He absently ran his hand over his chest, where the other boy's heart beat a violent rhythm against it. He tried collecting his thoughts.
So, then, if this wasn't a dream, what the hell was it?
Was this actually real? He felt stupid for even considering such an idea, but then again, it's not like his life was incredibly normal. His occupation saw to that.
If he could believe in aliens and souls and gods, then why not whatever this was?
He ran a hand over his oddly soft skin as he thought. So, he was in Kaworu's body, but his mind was still his own. If that was the case, then where was his body? He thought it must be back at home where he'd left it, but then who was controlling-?
Oh.
Oh no...
...
Shinji hunched to catch his breath, pale hands on his knees. He stooped before the apartment door, still winded and sweating as he knocked urgently, praying Misato was awake early for once.
He let out a sound of frustration when no response answered him, jamming his finger into the buzzer and knocking at the same time.
"Alright, I heard you!" was voiced in a muffled shout from beyond the door. Had his mind not been occupied already, he would've found himself pricked by how annoyed she sounded.
A thoroughly disheveled, definitely hungover Misato opened the door, her eyes focusing blearily on the cause of the incessant knocking, her confusion apparent.
"Nagisa-kun? What are you doing here so early? You woke me up." She massaged her head with a frown, as if trying to pull sympathy.
Shinji frantically peered from around Misato's figure. "Listen, Misato-san, you have to let me in! Something's really wrong; I need to see Nagisa! Er," he shook his head, "Whatever! I just need to see him!"
Misato blinked, obviously taken aback to see Kaworu acting so sporadic. "Sorry? You need to see yourself?"
"Shinji! I need to see him - and I'm not Nagisa!" He pushed passed Misato and managed not to trip over the garbage on the floor as he made for his room.
"Hey! I didn't say you could come inside yet!"
Misato followed at a stumble. "I know you're a pretty odd kid, Nagisa-kun, but I wouldn't expect whatever this is even from you. Could you tell me what's going on?" She narrowed her eyes. "Did Seele send you to spy on Shin-chan or something...?"
"What? No! This has nothing to do with them! Or maybe it does... I don't know!" He shook his head, "But, whatever - if you give me a second to prove I'm not crazy, then I'll tell you what's- Ow!"
Shinji banged open his door and immediately hit his head against someone else's as he tried to walk through.
He raised a hand to his head, but as he squinted through watering eyes, he felt his fears grow to a peak.
They spoke at the same time.
"Shinji-kun?"
"Nagisa?"
A solid five second silence followed the utterances, before Kaworu pulled a smirk that didn't at all match Shinji's face.
"Oh, this really is interesting."
Shinji didn't speak at first, way too disoriented by staring at himself and hearing his own voice, while at the same time knowing how fundamentally wrong he was acting. A literal out of body experience.
He forced himself back into focus. "Excuse me?! 'Interesting?' Nagisa, you better explain what the hell is going on right now!"
Kaworu half rolled his eyes in a dreadfully irritating expression. "Must you always assume I'm the one at fault? How do you know I'm the one that caused this, and I'm not just as confused as you are?"
Shinji stared him down. "Because you're the weird alien angel thing who works for an evil organization! You really think I'd trust you?"
Kaworu pouted, clearly hurt. Shinji wanted to bleach his eyes and pray that he'd never see that expression pass his features ever again. "Well, first of all, worked - past tense - and second of all, you should know better than anyone that I never had any loyalty to the old men. Why do you think I never merged with Lilith?
"Anyway, I'm telling you now, I really didn't cause this predicament, at least not on purpose. We're equally clueless, Shinji-kun." He shrugged as if the matter was settled and there weren't still a thousand questions to be asked.
"I don't care what you say, you seem way too calm not to know anything about what's going on. And what's 'not on purpose' supposed to mean?"
Kaworu rolled his eyes again. "Well, as you said-"
"Alright, alright, pipe down, the both of you!" Misato placed a hand in front of Kaworu - Shinji from her perspective – shushing him, the other hand massaging her temple. "Is this meant to be some sort of prank I'm not getting?"
"What's a prank?" Kaworu asked, his now brown eyes completely clueless.
Shinji sighed. "No, this isn't a joke! Misato-san, Nagisa and I have our bodies mixed up - I'm Shinji!"
Misato stared at him, before she broke out into laughter. "Wow! You really know how to imitate Shin-chan when he wigs out. How long did this take you boys to practice?"
"Practice what?"
Misato raised her eyebrow at Kaworu. "Come on, you can drop the act, you're only pretending, aren't you?" She patted him on the head in an apparently affectionate way. Kaworu made a face and drew back slightly.
"Seriously? Why would I ever pull a stupid prank like this? Do I really seem the type to you, Misato-san?" He stared at her desperately, almost begging. "I'm telling the truth!"
Misato stared between his eyes, her certainty flickering. "W-well, you're right there... Shin-chan doesn't have much of a sense of humor."
Kaworu snickered and Shinji stared angrily between them, his face turning pink.
"My apologies, but she is sort of right, Shinji-kun." He covered his mouth with a hand.
"Okay... okay, maybe there's... there's something going on here," Misato struggled, beginning to sound unnerved. "Do you think you two could expand a little more...?" She crossed her arms, eyebrows furrowed in a mixture of worry and skepticism.
Shinji jumped in first, explaining how he woke up in Kaworu's body. "...So I ran here as fast I could. I wanted to make sure he didn't do anything weird if he was really controlling me." Shinji jerked his head at Kaworu.
Kaworu made a noise of displeasure at the accusation but chose not to speak on it, obviously wanting to avoid another argument. "Well, my experience was similar. When I woke up this morning, I found myself in the wrong body." He shrugged.
Shinji shot him a glare. Kaworu smirked again.
"Wow, I've never seen myself so angry. It looks a lot cuter on your face, Shinji-kun."
Shinji went hot but he ignored it. "I think I look cuter when my mouth is shut, so maybe you should keep it that way."
Misato stood with her arms crossed and her lips pursed in thought, clearly not listening in on them. "So... neither of you have any idea what caused this?" She stared off into the wall when they both shook their heads. "Hmm..."
They stood together in silence for a few moments, before-
"Ack!"
They all jumped as an unnoticed Pen-Pen squawked repeatedly and loudly at their feet. His watery, black eyes aimed up to Kaworu in Shinji's body.
"Ow! Hey!" Kaworu yelped in pain when Pen-Pen suddenly bit down on his leg through continued screeches.
Shinji's first instinct was to burst out laughing, until he remembered it was his body that was being damaged. Upon that thought, he rushed forward and grabbed the penguin, tugging backwards.
With a few heaves, Kaworu fell against a wall with a painful thud as Pen-Pen detached, sending Shinji back onto the floor, frazzled grey hair covering his face, which he spit out of his mouth. The penguin squirmed and yelled in his grip and Shinji awkwardly tried to stand, wobbling from the weight in his arms.
Misato, feigning an unconvincing straight-face, took Pen-Pen from him. He made smaller obviously distressed screeches, but relaxed in her grip.
"Now what in the world did it do that for?!" Kaworu whined, rubbing the back of his head through squinted eyes. "We have enough trouble to be getting on with without wild animals attacking me!"
Misato smiled crookedly. "Maybe he can tell something is off with the two of you. Animals are very in tune with emotions, you know?"
Kaworu cast him a wary eye as Shinji cautiously extended his hand for Pen-Pen to consider.
He humphed when the penguin allowed Shinji to stroke his head, blinking slowly and letting out little coos. "Seriously? I didn't do a thing to it!"
"He's never gotten mad at me like that before - especially for no reason. I think he really can tell I'm in the wrong body."
"Well, I think that settles it for me at least." Misato let the bird stand back on the floor, who promptly waddled behind Shinji to use Kaworu's legs as a shield.
Misato put her hands on her hips. "I'll be honest, boys, I have absolutely no idea what I can do to help. A-although," she rushed on, catching the wildly anguished face Shinji was making, "I think if we get the two of you over to Nerv, then we can make some progress."
Kaworu leaned casually against the wall, his usual smile upon Shinji's features. "I suppose that would be proper. Akagi-san is more likely to know what's going on, isn't she?"
"Welll," Misato hesitated. "I'm sure she would have some ideas... but, thing is, she's not gonna be there until late tonight. There was a UN conference she had to fly out to yesterday, so..."
In his fear, Shinji felt Kaworu's face grow pale. "T-tonight...? You mean... you mean we have to stay like this until the end of the day? I seriously can't tell you how much I don't want to do that!"
"Now, it's not the end of the world, Shinji-kun."
"Shut up! You really think I wanna spend the day in your body?! This just isn't right - it's weird and uncomfortable!"
Kaworu hummed. "You really think so? To be quite honest, I think this is an incredibly interesting experience." He smiled, then wrapped his arms around himself. "I'll finally learn what it's like to be a lilin!"
"Oh, God..." Shinji covered his face in shame. "What happens if I have to go to the bathroom? No amount of hand washing could get that feeling out of my head..."
Kaworu raised an eyebrow. "What? Why should that be embarrassing? You already had to go when you woke up this morning."
Shinji gawked. "W-what?! You didn't really... you couldn't have..."
Kaworu shrugged, impassive. "It's not exactly something you can control. Oh, and on a somewhat related topic, do you always wake up that way?"
"W-what way...?"
"Well, it was difficult to ignore; when I woke, I realized you had a rather intense erec-"
"Nagisa!" Shinji clapped a hand to his mouth, stopping his own voice from ruining his self-preservation. "Never talk about that again!"
Even beneath the wrong features, Shinji could discern the pout Kaworu wore whenever Shinji denied him something; the one that meant he wanted to barrel through the topic until he got a satisfactory answer.
He was glad when Misato interrupted, saving at least a part of his dignity. "It's still pretty early, so Ritsuko might not be too occupied yet. I think I'll give her a call to let her know something's up." She flipped open her phone, a look of concentration on her face. "Not really sure how to phrase this without sounding like a maniac..." She sighed, "Well, I'll figure it out. For the time being, why don't you two make yourselves comfortable?"
She sighed again at Shinji's strained expression. "I mean as comfortable as you can be. Maybe you could make breakfast Nagi- er, Shin-chan." She continued, muttering under her breath, "Man, I need some aspirin for this..."
Shinji rolled his eyes. "You want me to make breakfast now? You don't think I'm a little too anguished to do chores for you?!"
She put her hands on her hips. "That's not a cute thing to say! You might be in the wrong body, but you've still got your senses, don't you?"
Shinji crossed the room and fell down on the couch. "Whatever!" He shot angrily.
Kaworu leaned over the cushions from behind, stretching to make eye contact. Shinji didn't like looking into his own eager face.
"You know, it might be a rather good idea to get some food in our bodies. I wonder if it feels any different eating as a lilin."
"God, stop treating this like some experiment! And don't make up an excuse just so I'll make food for you."
Kaworu pouted. "So, you won't be preparing us breakfast?"
"No."
"Really?"
Shinji set his jaw and glared.
...
Carelessly dropping the plate on the table, Shinji didn't make eye contact with the boy across from him, instead casting his eyes down to his own plate, sitting down and poking at his food.
"Thank you, Shinji-kun, it smells delicious!"
"Yeah, whatever... You owe me for this, you know?"
"Alright," Kaworu shrugged, smiling. He added in an uncomfortable lilt, "I'll do whatever you'd like me to, Shinji-kun."
Shinji made a noise of disgust, then poured himself a glass of milk from the carton on the table. Glancing up, he gave Kaworu a look.
"Excuse me, what's that face for? I swear if you complain about what I made for you-"
"No, no, it isn't that." Kaworu looked pensive as he swallowed. "It's just, this rice tastes different than it should. It still tastes good, but there's just something amiss..."
Shinji furrowed his eyebrows but took a bite too out of curiosity. "Huh... you're right. But I used the same stock I always do, how come it tastes different?"
He was on the point of getting up to check the box's expiration date before Kaworu spoke. "Hmm, you don't suppose our tastebuds are different, do you? I've read that those can be different between lilin."
"Can they really?"
Kaworu smiled fondly. "Quite a lot of things can differ between any two of your kind. You're all so interesting."
Shinji shifted uncomfortably and just continued to eat. "You can't really talk like an alien now that you're in my human body. You could at least pretend to be normal."
Kaworu smirked wider. "Oh, you're so mean, even when you're not yourself. Maybe you should act sweeter now that you're an angel."
"Right, because your kind are known for their hospitality."
Kaworu laughed and Shinji hid a smile by forcing down more breakfast.
"Alright boys, I just filled her in. Well, more or less. She knows there's something wrong with you both at least." Misato sighed and scooped herself a bowl of rice, tucking her phone into her back pocket.
Taking an enormous bite, she spoke again, "She said she'll be back before nine, so we've got twelve-ish hours left."
Shinji groaned and slid down in his seat. "Great... maybe I'll just sleep for the rest of the day. Then it won't drag on so long."
"But I thought you didn't trust me in your body. I figured you would want to keep an eye on me for the day."
Shinji narrowed his eyes. "Nagisa, you realize saying that just makes you look more suspicious."
Kaworu smirked slightly. "Then you won't want to leave me alone, will you, Shinji-kun?"
"Yeah, I guess not." Shinji huffed and pushed his plate away.
Misato gulped down her last mouthful and dropped her dish in the sink. She smiled. "Well, since someone's in such a grumpy mood, maybe we can head over to Nerv for the rest of the day. That way, you'll be able to see Ritsuko the second she gets back. Anyway, I've got some work I gotta catch up on over there. How about it?"
Shinji grunted half-heartedly.
"Sheesh, you really are grumpy..." She stretched and yawned. "Welp, if we're going out, I suggest you boys get dressed first. I'll be getting ready back in my room. Don't get too rowdy out here while I'm gone!" She waved her hand and walked from the room.
Kaworu smiled as they were left alone again. "Well then, let's get dressed. We're near the same size, so you could just borrow your own clothing." He paused. "What?"
Shinji was glaring at him. "I'm not letting you touch my body without clothes for even a second."
He rolled his eyes dramatically. "Oh, really, I've seen you naked plenty of times, what's the issue?"
"Seeing me and touching me are two completely different things! And what, are you staring at me when I get changed or something?"
"When we're in the same changing room you're always in my peripheral. And don't act like you've never looked at me either- I've caught you glancing and-"
"Oh, shut up for one second!" Shinji tensed. "You're getting off track, I'm still not letting you touch my body." He crossed his arms finally.
Kaworu was silent for a moment before leaning forward, smirking a little. "Well then, why don't you just dress me? Since you're the only one who can touch your body, that shouldn't be an issue. I'll close my eyes and everything."
Shinji blinked. "That's... no, that's stupid." He looked away, face heating up. "You still have my senses, so it'd just feel like I'm touching you instead... and I don't want to touch you."
Kaworu pouted heavily. "Oh, come on, Shinji-kun, I'm trying to compromise. Would you please just dress me so we can leave?"
"...Wh-Why do we even have to leave at all? We can just... just stay in my room for the day; I don't care."
"That sounds rather bland. Do you really want to do that, Shinji-kun?" Shinji didn't say anything. "Anyway, we ought to be dressed when it's time to see Dr. Akagi. We might as well just get it over with."
Shinji grumbled, petting the back of his fluffy head unconsciously. It was odd having so much hair. "Okay... okay, fine. Just let me clean up first."
Kaworu smiled. "Very well, I'll wait in your room."
Shinji sighed as he was left alone, but he didn't have much time to psych himself up for what he was about to do before he'd finished cleaning and followed Kaworu.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
Kaworu was sprawled out on Shinji's bed, hands behind his head and face full of contentment. "Mmh, your bed is so comfortable. A lot more so than mine. I don't know how you could even consider sleeping over at my place when your bed is this inviting."
Shinji took a uniform from his closet. "Yeah, well, I didn't really choose your place for physical comfort. Anyway, get up, I have to, uh, dress you."
Kaworu stretched luxuriously, but conceded to stand up.
"Lift your arms and close your eyes. I need to change your shirt."
Kaworu did as told, but added, "Why can't I just wear this beneath the uniform? A t-shirt is a t-shirt."
Shinji slipped said t-shirt over his head, exposing his chest to himself. For some odd reason, he thought he looked a little different now that he was in another person's body.
"Because," he said, pulling on the other shirt, "I slept in that one and I haven't washed my sheets in like a week. I don't wanna wear germs around."
Kaworu's lips formed into a tiny smile. "You're quite the neat-freak, Shinji-kun. I always just wear what I wake up in."
Shinji clicked his tongue. "Well, maybe you should think more about what you put on." Kaworu laughed in response, though they lapsed into silence a moment later.
He made quick work of changing his pants because the intrusive thought that he was really dressing Kaworu, not himself, kept creeping into his mind. The image of him doing this while they were in their own bodies was deeply nerve inducing, though less unpleasant than Shinji would've liked.
Kaworu opened his eyes and smiled slightly as Shinji finished buttoning up his uniform. When he glanced up at his own face, he was struck by just how delicate he looked. He couldn't exactly say what it was about his appearance - maybe it was because Kaworu's body was taller than his, so he was looking down at himself, or maybe it was because he'd never really seen his eyes from another person's perspective. They were big and brown. Even when Kaworu was the one behind those eyes, he still felt this odd sense of fragility under them. Was that really what he looked like? That gentle?
Kaworu titled his head. "Shinji-kun?"
He blinked. Shinji registered for a moment how even his voice was naturally soft and high, before he shook his head and looked away from his face, doing up the last button. "Sorry... I was just thinking."
Kaworu hummed. He had a weirdly understanding expression on his face. "I've been thinking too. It's alright."
Shinji jumped a little when Kaworu stretched out a tan hand and cupped his cheek. He observed his own face analytically, though still with that ever-present smirk.
"I really don't look like a lilin, do I?" He questioned softly.
Shinji stared at him, mouth opened slightly as his eyes traced over his face. "I understand why most people are disconcerted when they see me. No one should look like this."
Sympathy fluttered in Shinji's chest, and he felt urged to speak. "That's not something you can control, though. It's not your fault you're an angel." Kaworu dropped his eyes back to Shinji's. "Anyway... I don't think there's anything wrong with how you look, Nagisa."
He could've sworn he saw slight color flood his cheeks as Kaworu continued to look at him. "You're... very kind. At least when you want to be," he said softly. "Thank you, Shinji-kun."
Shinji blushed. "Yeah... well, whatever."
"Shinji! Why didn't you leave me any breakfa- huh?" Asuka stood over the threshold into Shinji's room, staring at the pair of them with a completely baffled expression.
Shinji quickly took his hands away from the other boy's shirt buttons and swatted down Kaworu's hand, still cupping his face.
Asuka crossed her arms. "Okay, I'll just pretend I didn't see whatever the hell that was. Now, why didn't you make me breakfast?"
Silence met her question, making her raise her eyebrows dangerously.
"W-well," Shinji said, realizing Kaworu wasn't going to speak. "I didn't know when you were gonna get up, so I didn't think to make you any."
Asuka made a face. "What? You made that food? Since when do you cook?"
Shinji nudged Kaworu with an arm, but he only gave him a quizzical look.
"What the hell are you so quiet for?" She threw at Kaworu. "You need to grow a spine. Don't just let the Perv talk for you, idiot Shinji."
"Right, my apologies," he finally said after Shinji nudged him harder. "He was helping me prepare. I was unsure if you would wake in time to eat."
Asuka stared at him in complete disbelief. "Did you two lose your brains this morning?"
"Something like that," Kaworu murmured with a slight smirk in Shinji's direction.
"Well, Shinji and I were just getting ready to leave, so, uh, yeah." Shinji flexed his hands at his sides, then hid them behind his back when he realized Asuka was looking at them suspiciously. How was she so observant...?
"I hope you're going to a psych hospital cuz there's definitely something wrong here. Not that it's my business." Asuka turned. "Ugh, I guess I'll just have instant rice. You better make up for this at dinner, idiot Shinji." She closed the door behind her.
Shinji let out a breath he'd been holding, then wheeled around to glare at Kaworu. "What the hell was that!? When have I ever talked like that in my life?"
Kaworu frowned. "It's not as if you did much better."
"Yeah, well," Shinji huffed, "Maybe if you didn't talk like a nineteenth-century poet, I'd have an easier time imitating you!"
"Oh, do forgive me for being eloquent." Kaworu drawled sarcastically. "You really will criticize me for anything, won't you, Shinji-kun?"
"When you deserve it, yeah."
Kaworu sighed. "Well, I suggest you stop thinking about my shortcomings for a moment so you can get dressed." He smiled somewhat pridefully. "I suppose I just take up too much of your mind for you to focus on anything else?"
Shinji glared intensely. Kaworu giggled in a thoroughly un-Shinji-ish way. "I just can't take myself seriously when I'm angry."
"God, whatever!" Shinji cast out. He turned to pick out another uniform from his closet, and although he really didn't want to talk to Kaworu after the teasing he'd just given him, he felt the need to ask anyway. "You're sure you're okay with me getting dressed by myself?"
Kaworu tilted his head, smiling very lightly. "Of course. I don't mind at all; I trust you completely with my body."
Shinji stared at him for a moment, before shaking his head. "A-alright then... just gimme a sec'." He turned away to undress, trying not to think about Kaworu's embarrassing phrasing.
Shinji tried to just let his mind wander while he took everything off, but when he brushed his pantsless legs, he stopped to run his hand over them again.
"What the-? Nagisa, do you shave or something? Why's your skin so smooth here?"
Kaworu raised an eyebrow. "Hmm? Oh, that. Akagi-san told me about that a while ago. Lilin clones have less body hair than normal lilin. Not that I've checked with her, but apparently, First has the same condition." Kaworu rubbed his arm lightly with a hand, raising the hair on Shinji's body. "I suppose I didn't notice, but you really do have more hair than me."
Disconcerted, Shinji ran his hand over Kaworu's arm, to find his skin completely smooth and hairless. He wondered momentarily how he'd never noticed the feature before, but that thought was overshadowed by Kaworu's response. Everything about him was so foreign and odd, even after all this time of knowing him.
"...I never really thought about it - you being a clone, I mean." He looked at Kaworu, sitting cross-legged in his bed, in his body. "Does that change a lot?"
Kaworu continued to stroke the hair on Shinji's arm passively as he responded. "Oh, yes, actually. Genetically speaking, I'm near identical to a lilin, but there are a number of discrepancies."
"Discrepancies?"
He looked up and smiled very slightly. "You know, mutations. Errors in my DNA. That sort of thing." He leaned forward a little. "Some are obvious. The lack of melanin in my skin, eyes, and hair, for example. I'm quite light-sensitive."
He paused to stretch, then he fell back onto the bed with a comfortable sigh. "Then, there's the less obvious. My height and growth are stunted, my muscle strength is rather feeble... Oh! And I have a shortened lifespan," he added casually.
Shinji dropped the shirt he was about to put on. "W-wait, what!?" He stared at Kaworu, mouth open in horror. "Your lifespan...? But that's awful - I never knew that!"
Kaworu gave him a rather surprised look. "I didn't think it was that important."
Shinji felt the heart beating in Kaworu's chest sink. How could he possibly not care that he'd die faster than everyone else?
Uncrossing his legs, Kaworu shifted on Shinji's bed. "...I didn't think you'd care much at all, actually."
Shinji sighed. "Nagisa, I know I'm not always nice to you, but how could you think I wouldn't care? I mean we're... we're still friends. It's not like I want you to die... I'd never want that," he added quietly.
"Oh." Kaworu looked down, an odd expression on his face. He seemed subdued, but moved his mouth as if fighting down a smile.
"Well," he said a moment later, allowing a small smile to cross over his face. "Akagi-san did say that my biology isn't fully understood. I'm the only lilin specimen in existence with a foreign soul." He looked up. "It's possible my soul's strength will keep me alive longer than I'm meant to be. I'm already much more powerful than anyone in existence.
"...What I mean is, I don't want you to worry, Shinji-kun," Kaworu ended, smile fading a little as Shinji continued to look depressed. "I'm an angel, after all."
Shinji shivered. Kaworu's talk about souls and death and angels made him realize how incredible Kaworu was - how frightening and strange his being was. And now, he realized, Shinji was that being. He was inside of his body now.
Fully dressed, he slid his hand over Kaworu's heart. He almost thought he could feel something else, something less tangible beating a counter-rhythm to his heartbeat. He breathed strangely and closed his eyes. There was definitely something wrong inside of him.
"Nagisa... where's your core?"
Kaworu blinked. "Pardon?"
Shinji blushed slightly. "I-I mean, you know, that red thing angels have - that thing like a heart we have to stab to kill them. Do you have one?"
"Ah, that." He looked thoughtful. "In the physical sense, no, I don't. If you plan on killing me, Shinji-kun, you would just stab my lilin heart." He smiled jokingly.
"You still have an A.T. field, though, right? How do you control it? Can you talk to your soul or something?"
Kaworu hummed. "Not exactly talk. See, your soul is an extension of your being; it's a part of you. By that mean, it will aim to protect you instinctually, because it wants to protect itself."
"Okay, sure..." Shinji drawled, a little frustrated.
"What is it you're trying to get at, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji furrowed his eyebrows, looking around the room. "I want to test something..." His eyes fixed on his desk in the corner, and he made towards it. After a moment's consideration, Shinji picked up a Gundam figurine and turned, staring at Kaworu again.
Kaworu gave him a bewildered look, but his eyes grew larger as Shinji drew back and chucked the figure hard towards him.
"Ow!" An irritated, red mark appeared on his tan skin where the cheap plastic thwacked his forehead. "What in the world is wrong with you - do you want to lose yourself an eye?!"
Shinji put his hands on his hips. "I've never seen you get hit before. Whenever something's coming at you, you don't even bother to block, because your A.T. field always does it for you, right?"
Kaworu stared at him. "Throw that back at me," Shinji said.
Looking at Shinji like he'd lost his mind, Kaworu picked the figure back up and threw it at Shinji.
Shinji flinched and closed his eyes, but nothing struck him. Instead, an unsettled, electric jolt passed through his chest, and when he opened his eyes again, the toy was sitting by his feet.
"Woah..."
"Ah," Kaworu voiced, now smiling again. "That's what you were getting at."
Kaworu filled the silence as Shinji continued to stand in amazement. "So, when the two of us switched, it was only our minds. Our original souls and bodies are still connected."
His smile widened. "You're an angel, Shinji-kun."
...
"Alright, boys, like I said, Ritsuko isn't back yet, so if you could find something to consume yourselves with here until she comes, I'd be grateful." She swiped her keycard, then turned back to them. "Now, I'll be going off to my office. Shinji-kun, I'll text you the moment I get news from Ritsuko." She walked ahead briskly, looking over her shoulder to wave. "I'll see you later!"
"...How much you wanna bet she procrastinated work and is just trying to make up for it by dragging us here as an excuse?"
Kaworu laughed, walking beside Shinji with his hands in his pockets. "Well, at least it was convenient for us."
Shinji continuously glanced at Kaworu as they walked. He still couldn't get over the sensation of walking beside himself, but he swallowed down the strangeness of the situation to ask something more pressing. "Um, listen, Nagisa. I know neither of us know how this happened, and I'm really not trying to blame you by saying this, but..."
"Yes...?" Kaworu raised an eyebrow.
"What if you made this happen unintentionally? I mean, you're really, really powerful. And the idea keeps crossing my mind that you're the one responsible, even if you don't know it."
Kaworu sighed. "You're really this insistent on that idea?"
"Well, humor me at least," Shinji rolled his eyes. "What if you're more powerful than you realize? I mean we've seen what angels can do. It's terrifying..." He stopped walking to meet Kaworu's eye. "Don't you remember when that angel invaded Asuka's mind...? It made her remember these awful things. It screwed her up so badly for so long. I never wanted to see her like that again, it was horrible..."
Kaworu's brown eyes swam with an odd emotion. Shinji supposed he'd call it sympathy. "Yes... Second was incapacitated for a long time." He sighed, sinking his hands deeper into Shinji's pants pockets. "I believe I know what you're trying to say.
"Judging from Arael's psychic ability, you believe it possible that I can also connect to a lilin's mind. Am I correct?"
"Something like that, yeah," Shinji shifted uncomfortably. He didn't like to compare Kaworu to the other angels since he had a lot more of a conscience and it felt pretty demeaning to put him on the level of brainless, emotionless aliens.
"...You're very intelligent, Shinji-kun. I hadn't considered that idea, and it does have some merit. The only issue is: I've no idea if I possess the power to switch lilin psyche, and since you're in possession of my soul now, I have no way of testing if your theory is true." He smirked, making Shinji's insides prick with familiar annoyance. "Dear me, this situation gets more and more interesting the longer it goes on, doesn't it?"
"Oh, shut up, I already told you to stop treating this like an experiment!"
He smiled a little wider. "Oh, but Shinji-kun, I think we'll need to do some experimenting if we want to get to the bottom of this." He poked a finger into Shinji's chest. "If I'm really the cause of this incident, then you'll need to be the one to replicate your theory, seeing as you're in my body."
Shinji backed up. "And how do you expect me to do that? I don't know how to work your A.T. field."
"I've already told you, it's simple. Controlling it is instinctual. Soo, why don't you try and invade my mind?"
"Excuse me? What does that even mean?"
Kaworu clicked his tongue. "It means I want you to focus all of your energy on using your A.T. field to penetrate mine. Once you've made me vulnerable to your offenses, then you can enter my mind."
Shinji gave him a sour expression. "That was the grossest way you could've described it."
"Oh, come on just try."
Shinji uncomfortably looked around. "Nagisa, I seriously have no idea-"
"It might be easier if you're closer," he said, pulling Shinji forward by the arms. He grabbed his hands and placed them on either side of his head. "Try it like this."
"Wh-Wha-" Shinji felt his face heating up. "I don't think it matters how close I am. You're probably just making up an excuse to get closer to me."
Kaworu rolled his eyes. "A.T. fields can be invaded more efficiently this way. That's why Evangelion units have such strong close-range weapons. And in any case, I'm already as close to you as I can be; I'm inside of you."
Shinji's pale skin flushed darker. "Stop making everything sound so pervy! It's wei-"
Kaworu raised his eyebrows and clapped his hand over Shinji's mouth. "And you say I talk a lot. For once, Shinji-kun, give me the benefit of the doubt and assume I'm not just trying to be weird. I do want to help you, okay?"
Shinji met his eyes and thought about derisively pulling back, but he sighed, resigning to the idea that Kaworu was telling the truth.
The tan hand covering his mouth slowly drew away. "Alright, thank you." He smiled again. "Now, whenever I want to project my A.T. field someplace specific, I focus entirely upon that specific thing. So, clear your mind of everything except the thought of me. Focus your energy into my mind..."
Closing his eyes, Shinji breathed in concentration, listening to Kaworu's instruction. He pressed his fingertips a little more insistently against Kaworu's head. That odd, unfamiliar feeling in his chest twanged.
All of a sudden, he felt his mind buzz with tiny whispers. Unable to make out what they were saying, he focused on them intensely. Dull electricity shot up from his chest into his head, amplifying the voices. He shut his eyes tighter, hearing Kaworu's voice thrum through him. Then, a much sharper jolt coursed through him, and a whole flurry of clamorous images and sounds forced themselves into his mind.
Shinji gasped and opened his eyes, nearly tripping in surprise. Kaworu steadied him, his expression of shock mirroring exactly how Shinji felt on the inside.
"Did you make that happen, Shinji-kun?"
"I... if you saw the same things I did, then, yeah." He rubbed his forehead beneath his bangs with a groan. "God, that gave me a headache..."
Kaworu was shaking slightly. "But this means you could be right, Shinji-kun! Why don't we try again?"
Shinji looked up, feeling sympathetic as he watched Kaworu shake. "I don't know if we should... I feel like that was dangerous." He tensed his hands. "And I don't wanna force myself into your mind... your memories belong to you."
"Did you see something that made you uncomfortable?" Kaworu asked, tilting his head.
He looked away.
"Shinji-kun?"
"Seele..." Shinji muttered uncertainly. "You spent so much time around them."
Kaworu sighed. "It's not as if I really had a choice."
"I know that, but..." Shinji shivered. "God, they creep me out so much." Over the shock of realizing he had the power to infiltrate Kaworu's mind, he realized the images he'd just seen were memories. He's seen and felt Kaworu's past through his eyes.
Shinji shook his head. "Did they really keep you floating in that tube of LCL all the time?" He held onto his arms, unnerved. "That stuff's disgusting... living and breathing that garbage all day like you did... Nagisa, I think I'd go insane."
"When you spend so much time in it, you become accustomed. Anyway... they didn't always keep me stuck there. I was allowed to wander a little."
Shinji laughed bitterly. "A little."
Kaworu smiled slightly. "When they released me though, I realized fresh air is a lot more preferable."
"It must've been nice to wear some clothes too. Why the hell did you have to be naked all the time?" Shinji wrinkled his nose. "A real name has to be nice too... Nagisa Kaworu sounds a lot better than Tabris." Shinji spat the angel name out like bile. "They didn't even treat you like a person."
Kaworu watched Shinji curiously. "I'm not really a person though, am I?"
"Yes, you are! Maybe they didn't treat you like one, but that doesn't mean you're not a person!"
"Shinji-kun..." Kaworu reddened.
"It doesn't matter that you've got an angel's soul... you'll always be human."
Shinji froze when Kaworu moved in his peripheral, then came close and hugged him. He rested his chin on Shinji's shoulder. Shinji felt cold air rush over his neck as his grey hair moved out of the way.
"Why is it that the things you say always make my heart feel like this?"
Shinji breathed in his own scent. He even felt fragile while hugging someone else.
"N-Nagisa...?" Shinji held his arms out, unsure of what to do.
"It's that feeling again... that sticky, heavy warmth in my chest. Do you feel that?" He sighed against Shinji's ear, running goosebumps down his neck. "It's such a human feeling... I think you're right."
Shinji tensed and shoved Kaworu back. "S-Stop that already!" He rubbed his face, knowing it'd gone bright pink.
Kaworu's face was similarly flushed as he smiled back at Shinji, rubbing the place over his heart. "Wow, you've never let me stay that close for so long. That must be a record."
Shinji groaned in disgust. "God, that's the last time I ever say anything nice to you!" He huffed. "I don't even want to touch you at all now, so let's just get this over with."
Kaworu smirked as Shinji came forwards again and put his hands on his temples, closing his eyes. "It will be more difficult to focus when you're flustered, Shinji-kun."
"Then shut your mouth!"
It took Shinji longer this time to locate the whispering voices he'd heard before, but once they appeared again, he put all of his strength into listening to them. He made out Kaworu saying his name, like it was being echoed in a large room. He pushed further until he felt that surge of odd electricity rise inside of him until it swirled in his head. Shinji resisted the urge to pull away this time. Once again, an overwhelming sideshow of images flew through his mind. He felt his hands twitch, but he resolutely kept them where they were.
Suddenly, his eyes were open, and one image stuck to his retinas. He was in his own body, staring at Kaworu, whose face was screwed up in concentration.
A rush of excitement filled his chest, but then a frightening black flooded the corners of his vision and he felt himself shake violently.
The flash of excitement from before was overshadowed by the most intense electric shock he'd ever felt. He gasped, trying to pull away and stop whatever was happening, but it was too late.
The blackness seeped further into his vision, until all he could see was slight, dizzying color and darkness. Everything in Kaworu's head had the volume turned down, and then, he didn't feel at all.
Shinji collapsed.
...
"Shinji-chan..."
Someone brushed his bangs off his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut.
Shinji heard a woman's warm laugh. "Oh, darling, come on, it's time to wake up."
Once enough fuzz cleared from Shinji's brain for him to process who was speaking, he let his eyes crack open. She cupped his cheek. "Good morning, sleepy head. Did you have a nice dream?"
He pulled himself upwards, his head heavy. "M-Mother...?" He realized she was holding him. They were sitting together in the grassy meadow he'd dreamed of before.
He turned his head, confused. "But... but where's-?"
"Nagisa-kun! Shin-chan!"
Shinji's eyes flew open, and he became immediately aware of the headache pounding against his temples. He groaned.
"Oh, thank God! I thought you two were kidnapped or something! Shin-chan, why didn't you answer your phone?"
"Misato-san...?" Shinji felt his eyes widen. He raised himself up, realizing he'd been lying on someone's body. Kaworu's body.
He grabbed hastily at himself, feeling his skin, touching his face, running a hand through his hair. He laughed.
"Nagisa! Nagisa I was right! We're ourselves again!" He shook Kaworu awake, who looked up at Shinji through bleary eyes.
"Wh- huh...? Shinji-kun?" Kaworu shook his head, refocusing. He smiled. "Ah, Shinji-kun, you did it, you have your body back!"
"Yeah!"
Misato rushed forward to kneel on the floor next to them. "Are you both okay?! Seriously, what happened?"
Ritsuko crossed her arms in the doorway, a dubious look on her face. "Did the two of them come down with narcolepsy and hysteria while I was away?"
Kaworu sat up. "Everything's alright, Akagi-san. Shinji-kun put everything back in order."
Misato stuttered in confusion.
"Is that so? Well, Katsuragi here seemed to think you absolutely needed my help with something. Otherwise, she wouldn't have pulled me away from such an important meeting. I did tell her to only call me in case of an emergency."
"B-but there was an emergency! They were- It was-"
Ritsuko sighed. "Why don't we talk about this back in my office, Misato. Can the two of you manage to get home alright?" Shinji and Kaworu nodded. "Alright. Come on Major..."
Misato solemnly rose to her feet and followed Ritsuko out, though she tossed them a simultaneously blaming and curious look before she disappeared.
"Don't you feel rather guilty for her?" Kaworu asked.
"Meh. Misato-san had some bad karma - making me do her chores all the time. She had something coming."
Kaworu giggled. Shinji felt oddly calmed to hear his irritating laugh again. It was wonderfully familiar.
"Anyway, Shinji-kun, I think I might have realized how we got into this situation."
"I planned on asking," Shinji said dryly. "That was hard to pull off. How the hell did you do that by accident?"
"Well, last night I was thinking about you, just before I fell asleep, I mean. Although I think about you a lot."
Shinji made a face, fighting back embarrassment. "Okay..."
"Since I was so focused on you, and since my mind was wandering while I was falling asleep, I believe I projected my A.T. field onto your mind while I was unconscious."
Shinji sat staring at him with his mouth open. "S-Seriously? We were miles apart and you could still reach me?! I don't know if I should be impressed or scared."
Kaworu rose from the floor. "I suppose we weren't knocked out then because we were already asleep. But it seems like invading a mind that way is very taxing for a lilin. Can you stand, Shinji-kun?"
Shinji tried to support himself, but his legs wobbled dangerously. Kaworu hastily took hold of his arm, allowing Shinji to lean on him.
"Ugh... yeah. This sucks." Shinji held his stomach, feeling slightly nauseous. "Nagisa, if you ever do this again, accident or not, I'm gonna beat you up."
Kaworu laughed, throwing Shinji's arm over his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his waist so they could walk together. Shinji thought to protest, but he knew he probably wouldn't get anywhere without Kaworu. "I would say I'd try not to think about you too much, but I can barely ever get you off my mind."
Shinji sharply elbowed him in the chest. "Shut up..."
Kaworu hummed. "I don't suppose you have the strength to make it home. Why don't you rest in my room tonight?"
"Ugh, that'll make me think I'm you all over again..."
"Come on, Shinji-kun, you need to lie down. And we haven't spent time together in so long." He pouted.
Shinji sighed. It's not like he had much choice with Kaworu steering him around like this. "Fine... but if you make any kind of move on me while I'm sleeping, I'm never talking to you again."
Distantly, he recalled what Asuka had said earlier, but he didn't have the energy to dwell. 'She can make her own dinner...'
Kaworu smirked. "Then I'll reserve my efforts for when you're awake." His smirk widened. "And I'd love to have a nice chat with you. Maybe we can talk about hypotheticals. For example, we can talk about what we'd do if we switched bodies."
Slumping even further into Kaworu's side, Shinji groaned. "Great..." He closed his eyes. "I can't wait."