It's cold, isn't it?
"Nine one one, what is your emergency?"
That feeling of falling down.
"A…a girl just got ran over."
And yet, there is no wind.
"Female! Severe trauma! Unresponsive!"
You can't open your eyes.
"Driver is unresponsive as well!"
But yet you can blink.
"No! Nikki! Nikki! Fuck- Nikki!"
You see nothing.
"Get her out of here! Get her out!"
And yet all you have left is your eyes.
"Clear!"
Are you floating?
"Clear!"
Are you falling?
"….fuck. Nothing. We got nothing. Call it."
Or are you flying?
"Alright, what do we got?"
There's nothing around you.
"Female. MVA. Dead on impact."
And yet you feel trapped.
"Such a shame. Any luck on contacting next of kin?"
There is no air.
"Emergency contacts were parents, but looks like they are estranged. Expecting a call later on."
And yet you can breathe.
"Shit. You know what that means. How about a phone? Any luck?"
There are memories.
"Phone was damaged, but card was salvageable. Last call was to a 'Dean'."
But yet you can't remember anything.
"Any relation?"
Are you waiting?
"A witness said it was her boyfriend. Said she'd break the news to him."
Is time passing by?
"Bring him in, he might be able to contact the parents or know some other family."
Are you there?
"And who's this?"
Where are you?
"Driver. Intoxicated. Swerved afterwards, died on the way here."
What are you?
"Well I hope he had time to regret it."
Can you wake up?
"Dean…Dean I'm so sorry."
Can you fall asleep?
"…Dean I don't know what to do."
What can you feel?
"She…she was just crossing the road…and…"
Can you feel?
"…he came out of nowhere…"
How much of you is left?
"Dean…tell me what to do…"
Is there a difference?
"…please…don't…"
Between now.
"…I know you want to be alone but…I don't think you should…"
And then?
"..okay…I'll leave…but ple-"
Before?
'The chemical composition of bleach consists of-'
Or after?
'The amount of alchohol it takes to completely shut down your-'
What do you want?
'A fatal fall can occur starting at the range of-'
Can you want?
'The probability of surviving a gunshot wound to the head is-'
What do you need?
'In some states, it takes almost a year to get your pistol permit and-'
Can you need?
'A big step to lucid dreaming is being able to recognize when you are in a dream.'
Are you free?
'If you struggle to touch your nose, then you may be drunk and shouldn't drive.'
Is this freedom?
'Repeat these few steps. If so, you are highly unlikely under the influence of any recreational drugs.'
Anything?
'I apologize and offer my sympathies for your loss. But when you get this call, please contact us back.'
Something?
'This is our third attempt, we just hope to reach you soon for the sake of Miss Ann-Marie's bo-'
Everything?
'Nooses have many more practical purposes than just hanging outlaws.'
Nothing?
'To start you need at least this much and this thick of rope.'
Just how long is forever?
"Finally got a hold of the parents."
How big is eternity?
"They've opted for cremation, and so with the address they gave us we can ship out her remains tomorrow."
Will it come to an end?
"Yes sir, just opened a new spool of it."
Can it come to an end?
"Yup, just let us know how many feet you need and we'll cut the rope for you."
Should it come to an end?
"But we do close at seven today, so you got about an hour. Thanks for calling."
Is this all this is?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Is this all that's left?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Nothing but endless questions?
"Okay sir, total will come to six dollars and seventeen cents."
With not a single answer?
"Need any hooks or clamps for the rope as well?"
Are these your thoughts?
This streamer is currently offline.
Is this what you're thinking about?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Is this you thinking?
This streamer is currently offline.
Does nothing remain?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Existence?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Reality?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
A chair?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
And a rope?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
A broken heart?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
A broken neck?
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
No…
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
It doesn't rain here.
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Let me out!
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
The light doesn't reach here.
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Let go of me!
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
It doesn't end.
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
Stop! No! No!
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the phone right now.'
It's over.
'Hey, it's Nikki. Can't come to the-'
Dean!
…
Dean! No!
…
Can you see him sway?
…
Dean! Why!?
…
Can you hear the rope strain?
…
Dean!
…
Dean!
…
Dean!
…
…
…
Here he comes.
"Ahh!
…
…God I can't do this…
…I can't…
…I can't…
…fucking coward…
…she doesn't want this…"
I couldn't feel the chair under my feet.
I couldn't feel the rough fibers on my throat.
All I could feel was the fire in my chest.
What remained of my heart was embers and coals.
With every violent breath I took, the coals would glow red and burn me from within.
My breath so dry and warm, it ignited the rope.
The rope burned away, leaving nothing to support my weight.
I couldn't rely on my legs.
I couldn't rely on the chair.
And so I collapsed.
The chair shattering and splintering into pieces as my heavy body slammed through it.
Shards of wood and exposed screws scattered throughout the floor, as I had to lie on the broken pieces.
A piercing pain stung near my waist, bringing the rest of my body back to me.
My trembling fingers leading the rest of my arms down and around, trying to push me off of the pile.
As my body lifted up and twisted around, the pressure of the newly added pain was relieved.
Tearing my neck aside, I could see a lone nail stuck in my lower back.
With one more painful breath, with a few more shocks to my muscles, I grabbed the head of the nail and plucked it out with ease.
A flash of white covered my open eyes, the sting becoming a blunt sense of sickness.
My feet were still lead weights I couldn't lift, and so I had to use my knees as well to drag myself further.
Scraping my body against the floor, what felt like miles to the window.
My dry fingers stuck to the glass, allowing me to prop myself up and around.
Facing my front door.
Seeing the trail I left behind.
The small splatters of blood, mixing with my tears.
Long thin streaks smeared on the floor.
Sitting there, my mouth still exhuming the steam and smoke from my heart.
The pain in my back and the pain in my chest began to fade away as I stared towards my front door.
The far wall black, blue, and grey.
The dark city directly behind me.
Staring at the door, I kept seeing it.
Opening and closing.
Every time, she wasn't there.
"…please…"
Open and closed, just to see the hallway.
"Please…please just be there…"
It open and closed again, to reveal nothing.
"…this can't be real…this can't fucking be real…please…"
With no pain to remind me, I slammed the back of my head into the glass.
"Wake up…"
The door opened slowly, but there was no shadow cast behind it.
"Wake up…"
With my sweat and tears feeling as dry as dust, I slammed my head again.
Nothing.
Nothing to feel.
And nothing behind the door.
"F-f-f-fuck!"
I realized I was holding myself back, as this third time I slammed my head into the glass as hard as I possibly could.
The dull thud sending what felt like thorns down my spine.
All the way down, and then stabbing and pricking me inside all the way back up.
As the thorns reached my skull, they began to coil around my head.
Squeezing and constricting.
The pain anchoring me down into this cruel reality.
"Fu…ah…"
My vision was blurred as the dark colors began to merge and blend into a thick static.
The static infected the rest of my senses.
I couldn't hear anything past the noise.
The metallic and salty smell of my body dissipated.
What remained of my body that wasn't either on fire or bleeding became numb and nonexistent.
As the pain and static began to overwhelm me, my eyes flickered as they struggled to stay open.
The dark colors from across the room began to stretch and crawl their way towards me.
The walls and furniture began to vanish, hidden by the ever growing shadow.
The larger it became, the space around me became darker and emptier.
Dark blues and grays melting into a solid matte black.
As I could see it approach my feet, sprawled out and framing the long stain of blood and tears, I didn't resist it at all.
Whatever the shadow was, it was more welcoming than the searing torment cradled in my chest.
Past my feet, up my arms, and creeping up my neck.
And as a final blanket of a void washed over my eyes, it took me away.
Away from the window, away from my blood, and away from home.
I didn't wake up.
I didn't open my eyes.
The cold, wet darkness just appeared around me.
The sound of a distant drop of water echoed toward me.
Looking left showed nothing different, and looking right showed nothing else either.
All there was around me was the thin wet layer that supported my weight.
Keeping me afloat from another empty infinity below me.
This place was familiar to me.
It wasn't my first time here.
There was no dread, no fear, and no confusion tickling my mind.
And as the moments past, what I began to feel became familiar to me as well.
This empty hollow void I was caged in.
The definition of who I became.
The definition of what I had left.
The definition of nothing.
And as the moments past, the thin damp layer began to rise.
Pooling over my hands and my knees.
With nothing to distract me, this place reminded of me of why I was here.
The thin layer would rise with every tear I shed.
The drops were soft, sending a delicate sound over me that would dissolve before it could echo.
And as it would rise, the waves it created bounced off of my wrists.
The waves reaching higher and higher, and once the water reached my elbows it sent a vicious and foreign chill through me.
I stood up on my knees, using my soaking arms to try and cradle my chest and rid away the cold.
But the more and more I began to shiver, the more and more familiar it began to feel as well.
Crying.
Shivering.
Empty.
Sinking.
What I felt now was no different than what I felt without Nikki.
The water would rise, and eventually creep into my mouth.
Filling me completely.
And I would remember how it felt, when death was more welcome than drowning.
"I…why…"
Standing on my knees, I lowered my arms.
The water above my waist, above my elbows.
"Why…what did I do…"
My tears felt like a faucet, actively washing the rest of me away.
"I…was happy…"
The water reached my heart.
"Am…I not allowed to be?"
As the tears cascaded down my cheeks, running down my neck and onto my shoulders, the water finally began to feel warm.
"Am I only allowed to hurt?"
The pressure and the weight of water made it difficult to breathe.
"Did I really not deserve her?"
I could feel the water at the base of my neck.
As the tides rolled, the water teased the bottom of my ears.
"Am I supposed to be alone?"
My chin became submerged.
"What…what am I supposed to do?"
The first few sips of water crashed over my tongue.
There was no flavor.
Just a burning bitterness.
"What do I have to do…to just stop hurting?"
The water reached my nose, a smooth current flowing down into my throat.
Even with my mouth overflowing like a river, my breath and my words weren't halted at all.
"Nikki…I'm sorry."
Up and over my eyes, the warm water was clear and did not distort my vision.
"It…it hurts too much."
I reached up, my fingertips gracing the hollow air over the water.
"Nikki…it hurts…please…"
But as my plea bubbled out from my lips, I could feel the waves and tide become still.
My fingertips emerged from stagnant water.
Looking up, I couldn't even see the ripples.
The rest of my body blurred and distorted, but the tips of my fingers were solid and straight.
Somewhere, from behind me, a low and distant roar could be heard.
But the weight of the water was too much for me to move.
The roar became louder and louder.
Whatever it was, it was getting closer.
Swimming through this sea of tears, the roar was ready to strike me from behind.
And yet, my fear didn't float.
I couldn't see it.
I couldn't feel it.
But whatever it could have been, it couldn't have scared or hurt me more.
And so, I closed my eyes.
The darkness behind my eyes no darker than before.
All I could do besides drown is wait.
But as the roar, as loud as it became, didn't become any louder, I opened my eyes.
The water by my fingers began to wave, I could feel a riptide begin to drag me back.
But my feet were stuck into the darkness, planting me in place as the water began to rush faster and faster behind me.
My dry fingertips became a dry wrist and elbow.
The roar wasn't a creature or a cry or a scream.
The water was draining.
As more and more of my body emerged out of the water, the weight of what remained still held my feet and legs in place.
But what was exposed was completely dry.
As if it was never underwater in the first place.
The lower and lower the water ran, the softer and quieter the roar became.
Hushing down into a gentle hiss of a flowing river.
And as the water sank below my knees, I was finally able to lift my feet and turn around.
Behind me, not too far away, I could see the water rush down and vanish.
Sucked down into another abyss I couldn't see.
The mouth of this other abyss a shape.
With four straight white lines, creating an empty narrow hole for the water to drain through.
I took a couple steps forward.
Revealing the size of the shape not to be massive. And not minuscule either.
Standing not too far from it, this shape was familiar as well.
It was a door frame.
There was nothing behind it.
There was nothing in front of it.
There was nothing inside, or on the sides.
It was just an empty frame.
"Wh-what?"
I approached it slowly.
Every timid step I took, I began to reach my arm out slowly.
"What is this doing here?"
The floor beneath me felt dry and more solid.
The shuffling of my feet reverberating all around.
The closer I got, I tried looking for the familiar markings.
Claws and burn marks.
But with every small step, the doorframe continued to look cleaner and newer.
"But…isn't this…"
I was now just out of reach of it.
I leered inside, just to see no signs of the water on the other end.
"I…I don't get it…what is this doing here?"
I slowly reached out, caressing it with just one finger.
The painted surface was smooth and cold, the texture of the wood beneath barely noticeable.
One finger became my palm.
Rubbing the frame up and down, as nothing continued to stand out.
"What…I don't-"
But then, in one spot, it felt different.
Under my palm, the texture changed.
No longer smooth and cold.
Instead, it became rough and soft as skin, and just as warm.
It was still white.
It was still wood.
It was still a normal frame.
But this one spot felt like…
…
"…Nikki."
Uttering her name felt like striking a match.
The flame in my chest reignited.
My breaths smoking and burning.
"N-Nikki…I don't…I don't…"
I couldn't fall into another abyss.
I couldn't drown again.
I was trapped in this endless place.
With no relief to be found.
"F-Fuck…God…"
I clutched my chest, trying to snuff out the flames.
"God…fucking…Nikki….why?"
My tears became crystals as they shattered on the ground.
"I miss you so fucking much…I love you so fucking much…why!?"
Flames erupted from throat, melting the crystals on the floor.
"Why…do I have to hurt so much?"
The heat began to singe the inside of my nose.
"I'll never see you again…"
I could feel my tears boil.
"I'll never hear you again…"
I could feel my throat char.
"I'll never touch you again…"
I could feel my head cook.
"Why!? Why!?"
Back onto my knees, I slammed my fist into the floor.
I could hear something crack.
"…I didn't even get to say goodbye…"
The fire in my chest continued to burn.
Every breath a fume of ash and smoke.
Every tear broiled my eyes.
Balled and coiled up, my heart burned away every word I had.
Every question I wanted to ask.
But all I would ever get, was just like this place.
Nothing.
"You…you always knew what to do Nikki…"
The past, the present, and the future was just like this place.
Nothing.
"…tell me…tell me what I have to do…"
Who I was, who I am, and who I will be was just like this place.
Nothing.
"…what do I do…please…"
My heart, my thoughts, my emotions are just like this place.
Nothing.
"Please…how does it stop hurting…"
The people I knew, know, and will meet are just like this place.
Nothing.
"…when does it stop hurting…"
I am just like this place.
Nothing.
"…Nikki…make it stop hurting…"
I am just like this place.
Nothing.
"…please…make it stop…"
I am just like…
…
…
I could hear a buzzing noise.
From above me.
"H-huh?"
Looking up from the ground, the doorframe loomed over me.
But something immediately stood out.
Three patches of brass scattered on the side of the frame.
Three brackets, for a door to be a mounted too.
"What…"
For a moment, my attention was gripped by the added details.
For a moment, the flame was dead.
But as the moment ended, the fire in my chest erupted again.
"Fuck! Fu-uck!"
I wrenched my eyes closed as tight as my fist.
But as I closed my eyes, another splintering sound confronted me.
Looking back up, I could now see an another brass bracket mounted in the center on the opposite side.
"What is…"
Another moment my attention was elsewhere.
Another moment of relief.
And one more moment was all I needed to figure it out.
"It's…but I…I don't want to…"
I tried standing up, but the flames rendered my body too weak to do so.
"I…I can't…"
My limbs felt like brittle charred wood. Ready to crumble into pieces with any pressure.
"This…I can't-"
But I could feel the white hot coals rub against the inside of my chest.
"I…can't….take this anymore."
The white hot settled down into a dull grey.
"I'm…not…strong enough anymore."
The embers crumbled into ashes.
"I…wasn't…good enough anyway."
The ashes blew away with every breath.
"…you don't want me to hurt…right?"
The flame died down into a warm glow.
"…I…didn't even know you that long…"
The red faint glow faded away.
"I…was okay…by myself…"
The coals were soft.
"You're…dead becuase of me."
The coals began to form together.
"Things…were easier…before I met you."
The ridged edges began to smooth out.
"Before…you met me."
My burnt skin and flesh were soothed and felt moist.
"I've..done it before…"
There was no more heat. No more smoke.
"I…I can do it again."
The coals began to beat and thump.
"I…need to stop it hurting."
And as I could finally recognize my own heart again, I looked back up towards the doorframe.
Inside the frame, was a solid white door hung up on the brackets.
The door was ajar, a matching brass handle on the far end.
"I…I'm sorry."
My legs and arms felt solid, and my heart felt warm.
"I…won't stop hurting…unless I…"
With two short steps, my feet were at the threshold.
"I…I…"
I remembered every pain I endured.
I remembered every sickening and frightening emotion and nightmare I suffered through.
"I…have to…"
I remembered them all again.
As if they were happening now, over and over.
"…I'm sorry…"
Every timeline, every possible outcome.
They all ended this way.
Ended in suffering.
No matter what.
"I'm…sorry."
And so, I reached out.
My hand and arm passed the threshold.
Behind the frame, was just another familiar endless void.
But I reached out, further and further.
All I had to do was wrap my fingers on the doorknob.
And it would be done.
It would all be over.
At least this time.
Everything from then until now, gone.
Just
Like…
…
…
…
Don't.
Something held me back.
Cold arms wrapped around me.
"Wh-what is-"
Stop. Please.
I could see the handle almost within my grasp.
But whatever it was wouldn't allow me to reach.
"I…no I-"
Don't forget me. Please.
The arms clutched me tighter.
But as the arms held me in, I could feel something up against my back.
Of all things…why did this seem familiar as well?
"Who…who are-"
I don't want this.
This grip on me.
This weight.
I did know it before.
I felt it, just like how I can feel it now.
"But…but…"
Stop!
Their voice rung out, shaking this space like an earthquake.
The tremors took me a couple steps away from the door.
"No…I need to do this…I need this pain to go away…"
I don't care.
"B-But I…."
The voice…the hold on me…
…it couldn't be.
"….is that you?"
Whatever it was, it didn't respond.
"Is it really you? Nik-"
Don't turn around.
With the tightest grip yet, my body was held in place.
"But…I want to-"
You…you can't look at me.
I could feel another pressure added onto my back.
"What do you mean?"
You…you just can't. You don't want to.
"Yes I do. Nikki, I want that more than anyth-"
I don't want you to see me like this.
I tried looking down, but every slight movement I made made her squeeze me even tighter.
"But…but is it really…you?"
It whimpered before it spoke.
Yes. It's me Dean. It's me.
"Nikki…God, Nikki I-"
Dean, please. I know there is so much you want to say but I need to talk first.
"Oh…okay."
I…I know how much it hurts…believe me…I know.
"…"
But please…please…don't do this…
"I…"
Don't lock me behind the door…please…I don't want to be like her…
"…but-"
I don't want you to regret me…please…
"I…I…"
Dean…I know it hurts…I know how fucking empty and broken you feel…but please…I want you to remember me…
"I…Nikki…"
I want you to remember me Dean…because that's who I want you to be…
"I…I don't-"
I don't want you to hate yourself…I don't want you to think you're worthless…that's not what I want for you Dean.
"…but what am I supposed to do Nikki?"
…live.
"…huh?"
I want you to fucking live Dean. Live the rest of your fucking life.
"I…but I-"
Don't you fucking dare try to pretend…don't you…f-fucking dare…put that fucking thing on your neck again…
"…"
I…I can't believe you even got that far…why Dean? Why would you fucking do that?
"…I…I miss you so fucking much Nikki…"
And you think that is how you'd get to see me again!?
"I didn't know what else to do…I didn't know what else to do…I'm sorry Nikki…I'm sorry…"
Do you really think i'm not…not….as fucking angry as you?
"…"
…as sad? As…frustrated…and-and…so f-fucking confused as to fucking why this happened?!
"…no…I…"
Well I am! I am sad! I am so fucking d-distraught and-and…beyond so fucking angry right now!
"…"
But…but…I don't need you killing yourself…on top of it…
"…I'm-"
God I've kept….trying to wake up…I've tried…
"…"
I…I don't know what's happening to me….I don't know where I am…I am so fucking scared Dean…I'm so fucking scared right now….
"…"
…so please…please…stop…
"…"
Please…please…
"…"
….say it.
"…"
…say it!
"I…I…"
Promise me you wont ever fucking try that again!
"I…I…"
I don't care how much you miss me or how much it hurts, promise me!
"…"
Promise!
"I…I promise Nikki."
…promise what?
"I…I promise I…I…"
Promise you'll live.
"I…promise I'll live."
…for Becky.
"…huh?"
…for Molly.
"…"
Promise!
"F-for…Becky. For Molly."
…for you.
"…"
For you.
"…"
Promise you'll live for yourself goddammit!
"I…but I-"
Do it!
"I…I'll live…for myself."
…and for me.
"…"
…promise me Dean…promise me…you'll live your life…for me.
"…but…"
And promise me…you'll remember me.
"…"
I…I know it'll hurt…I know you might cry…a lot…but please…
"…I want to remember you Nikki…but…but…"
…but what?
"…I don't know how to Nikki. I don't know how I can remember you…and live without you…I…I don't-"
…you can do it by remembering me Dean.
"…what?"
Remember me…and be happy. Be happy with the few and amazing memories we made.
"…I…I don't know how."
…you've grown so much Dean. You've become so much better.
"What….what do you mean?"
The first time you met me. The first message you ever sent me.
"…"
…and then the last phone call we had.
"…"
When you sent me that first message Dean…you had hid your past and all your pain away…
"…"
But then the last time you told me you loved me…you…y-you…you fought and turned all that pain into strength…and confidence…and it wasn't pain anymore…
"…"
You were able to love…you were able to defend and protect your friends…you were able to do the things that scared you for years and apologize…that was you…
"…"
…if you…if you lock me behind that fucking door…all of that goes away…
"…"
…and all that remains of me goes away too…
"…"
…I know I'm dead Dean…but please…p-please don't let me die…
"…"
Please…please don't let everything die…everything I gave you…everything you gave me…
"…"
…everything we did and learned together…don't let it die…
"…"
…Dean.
"…"
…Dean?
"…I'm here…I'm here Nikki…"
…you won't let it all die…right?
"…I won't. I promise."
…okay.
"…I'll keep you…the rest of my life….I fucking swear Nikki…I swear…"
…thank you Dean. Thank you.
"…ofcourse."
Can…can you do me one more favor?
"Y-yeah?"
…when you're ready…
"…yeah?"
…fall in love again.
"Huh?"
When the time comes, and another beautiful girl needs you and wants you and loves you…
"…"
…it's okay. To love her back.
"…"
Make someone as happy…as you made me.
"…"
…it's okay.
"…I don't know if I can Nikki."
Well, you can try. Because I want you to Dean.
"…"
…because that's what love is. Isn't it?
"…"
Wanting someone to be happy…no matter what.
"…"
…right?
"…I think so."
Ha…you just 'think so'?
"Yeah…y-yeah…sounds about right."
…you jackass. Stop making it harder for me to let you go…
"…i'm not trying to."
…we can't do this forever Dean. No matter how much we may want it.
"…why not?"
…I don't know.
"But…but…"
…take my hand Dean.
"…okay."
…raise it up with mine.
"…"
Hold it out, just like this.
"What's happening?"
…before…before we say goodbye…I want to make sure.
"M-make sure…of what?"
That….that…that you'll be okay.
"H-how?"
….we're gonna burn this door down.
"Huh?"
…we're gonna burn this whole place down.
"…"
…
"…"
…Dean?
"…sounds good to me."
The little skin Dean could see glowed grey, as her thin fingers interlocked between Dean's from behind.
Holding his hand open, lifting it up with his palm aimed at the door.
Just like this Dean. Can you feel it?
Her arm tingled as Dean could see what seemed like vibrant purple veins traveled beneath her skin.
The veins began to gently radiate brighter and brighter, her arm and fingers feeling warmer and warmer.
"Yeah…yeah I can feel it."
Okay…hold it. Just like that.
The purple seemed to burn into a brighter red and pink, as the gentle fire in her veins traveled onto his arm.
Each vein forming a vibrant path to each tip of their fingers.
Does it hurt?
"…not at all."
From his palm, a calm vortex began to swirl and shine.
The twisting pyre felt familiar.
Are you ready?
"…barely."
For a mere moment, the colorful flame held still.
Dean could feel the hollow weight behind him shift up higher on his back.
His eyes wanted to peer behind him.
His shoulders and neck wanted to turn.
But as tender and even softer words flowed into his ears, Dean didn't move an inch.
Okay.
…
…
It's time.
A flash erupted in from of them, as the door was bathed in a decorated flame.
Purples, reds, and pinks danced as similar embers floated into the abyss.
A gush of warm wind rushed Dean, his eyes recoiling in rapid blinks.
And as his eyes fluttered open, he could see a reflection beneath the flaming door.
The faux wet floor mirroring the dancing flames, the colors seeming to stain and further infect the ground.
It's…it's beautiful. Isn't it?
"…y-yeah. It is."
The black void beneath them soon became a wonderful canvas for the colors of the flames to garnish.
…Dean?
"Yeah?"
….I…I….I have to go.
Staring down at the reflection, Dean couldn't see his own.
He couldn't see Nikki behind him.
But the colors began to swirl and blur even more as his eyes began to pool.
"No…"
One tear fell.
"No…"
One fell from his other eye.
I'm…I'm sorry Dean.
"Don't….don't leave me."
A third fell.
But not from him.
I…I have to Dean.
As the third tear splashed on top of the reflection, the mere drop of water became a star.
"Don't leave me!"
Dean's cry held his head high.
Allowing him to witness the sky of the abyss above them become a galaxy.
Purple and red nebulas, with white twinkling stars at the cores.
The magnificent sight ceasing his cries for a moment, bringing his attention back towards the door.
Still fully ablaze.
Still standing, but whatever remained was glowing coals.
Coals that burned blue.
I…I have to Dean.
"Why? Why can't we just….just…stay here?"
…I wish we could.
The flames reached higher, the peak of the fire igniting the galaxy on fire.
But we don't belong here Dean…it's time to let go.
"I…I can't."
Yes…yes you can.
The tails of the galaxies acting as fuses, erupting into blue novas as the flames reached the stars.
"I can't let you go Nikki…I need you. I need you here with me."
…I'll always be here Dean.
Even though they seemed light years away, flaming debris from the stars began to collapse and crash down around them.
I may not… be next to you.
As the universe fell to the ground, what remained in its place was splashes of a gently burning blue.
You may not… see me or hear me.
A hole was burned into the center of the door. The glowing blue embers infecting the outer perimeter.
But that doesn't mean I'm not there Dean.
The tears that fell became new stars. Each one creating a new galaxy, dropping them straight into the fire.
"But….Nikki…I…"
I'll be there Dean. I promise.
The top of the door was now fully burned away. Burned into nothing but blue and green ash that floated away towards space.
When you need me…no matter what…
Her own hesitant words fanned the flames, pushing and spreading the stars around.
After the fire…after all the rain…
One side of the door frame fell, and instead of splashing on the ground it instead fell into the reflection.
Twisting and tumbling into eternity.
Through heaven and through hell, I fucking swear I'll be there for you.
The brass brackets and door knob melted away, leaving a thick puddle that began to drip forever and forever into the endless ground.
Even when it hurts the most…when you need me more than ever…I'll fucking be there…I promise.
The thick molten puddle fully dripped away.
Just….please keep me Dean. Keep…whatever is left…in here.
One of her hands reached up, placing it over Dean's heart.
The glowing grey of her skin became a shining gold.
But the gold began to fade.
Because…because's that's where I'll be.
Wiping away his tears, Dean reached down to touch her hand.
"…I don't want to say goodbye…"
…I don't either Dean.
Even though only the last few inches of the door remained, the flame burned stronger and soared into a spire.
"…why…why did this happen?"
It's too late to ask why Dean.
"But…but-"
Please Dean. Please…
One more inch burned away.
I…I don't know how much time I have…
As another inch burned away, another star fell right beside them.
The splash and impact insignificant to them.
Please…please…I'm sorry…I'm sorry…
More and more stars crashed around them. The flames becoming meteors that rocketed around them.
"Don't…don't apologize."
Dean could see that all remained of the door was a small pile of blue coals.
As he gripped her hand tighter, her faded golden skin began to fade even more.
He began to see the floor through it.
"You…you don't need to be sorry Nikki."
But Dean I-
"Shh. Shh."
The inferno no longer reached the stars.
"I know it won't stop hurting Nikki. No matter what we say, it will always hurt."
I…I…
"No matter what happens, even if I'm able to smile again…I'll never stop missing you."
…D-Dean….
The calmer the flame became, the bluer it began to glow.
"But as long…as long…as I keep you…I'll be okay. I'll be okay."
…Dean…
The galaxies continued to fall.
The blue flame beginning to flicker.
"…I promise. You…you don't need to worry."
…thank you Dean.
The stars began to clutter around them.
…I'll be waiting for you.
"…you better be."
The coals began to sink down.
Her arms became outlines.
"…I…I love you Nikki."
Through her hollow gold skin, she wiped the last of his stars away.
I love you too Dean…
Her weight began to lift off of him.
Her radiance began to dissolve.
Her voice became just an echo.
….I love you.
One final star began to collapse.
A shadow encasing him in a ring of the fallen sky.
…goodbye.
Her hollow gold a fine powder, showering over him.
And as the final fragment hovered over him, the shadow it cast closed his eyes one final time.
He let go, as his heart held on.
"Goodbye Nikki."
"Oh, Rebecca…h-hey."
"Hey Josh."
"I…I uh…wasn't expecting you here today."
"Uh-huh."
"Look…um…I…I'm sorry that-"
"Josh, it's fine. You don't have to explain it twice."
"Oh oh…okay. Um…well here, can I give you a hand bringing all your stuff down?"
"Nah, it's fine. Thanks though."
"Oh, alright. Well, if you need me I'll uh…just…"
"Josh, you don't gotta be scared. I get it. You gotta take care of your daughter, it's a shitty world out there."
"I…I really appreciate that Rebecca. I do."
"Uh-huh."
"And I'm…i'm sorry. About your friend."
"Yeah…thanks."
"…life's been throwing a lot of shit at you Rebecca. I…I'm sorry."
"Alright, enough. Look, I just need some time by myself to clean up. If you don't mind."
"Of course, I'll leave you be."
"Thanks…."
"Hm?"
"…what…"
"Rebecca? What is it?"
"…what…what are you doing here?"
"Huh? Who are you…"
"…"
"…"
"…Dean?"
"Hey guys."
"Dean…Dean what are you doing here?"
"Just uh, grabbing a few more things. How you guys doing?"
"How are we doi- Dean, you look…uh…you don't look good man."
"I'm good Josh. I promise. Just…tired. That's all."
"But Dean…I…what about…"
"Like I said, just grabbing a few more things. Anything I leave behind, you guys can just toss if I don't get to it first."
"That's…alright."
"Cool. Glad I got to see you guys."
"Oh, Dean."
"Yeah Josh?"
"Actually, Rebecca too."
"What is it?"
"Look…now that I got both of you here I wanna say something."
"Josh, it's cool man."
"No, no. Listen. Over the years, I've overseen the two of you take this little thing into the fucking sky."
"It wasn't just us."
"Listen. I know hidden behind my phone calls and hidden behind my absence, it seemed like I didn't realize that."
"We didn't think that at all."
"But I want you two to know that ever since I've met you, you two have been this gigantic inspiration on me."
"Wha- nah, come on."
"No Rebecca, really. Your art, your no nonsense attitude, your will and drive, I can only hope to one day be as motivated as you. And Dean, your dedication, your creativity, your passion…I can only hope to one day be as passionate as you."
"That…that means a lot Josh. Thank you."
"Yeah Josh, really. And here I thought you just tolerated me everyday."
"You guys mean a lot to me. I am anxiously waiting for the day to see the next thing you guys do and create. If that's what you wish to keep doing."
"You got it."
"And look, if there's one thing left I could do for you guys, it's this."
"What's that, what are you doing?"
"Gimme one sec here…"
"Josh, come on."
"And…see if it went through…and yup. Done."
"What did you do?"
"Well, I fired you guys."
"Uh…well yeah we knew that already."
"Dean, I fired you six months from now and Rebecca, seven months from now."
"Huh?!"
"Loopholes baby."
"What in the fuck do you mean 'six and seven months' from now?"
"I approved you guys for all that time off. Using every last minute of it."
"Wha…huh?!"
"Use them or lose them."
"Josh…no…won't they fire you over that?"
"They wanted you guys gone. Far as I can tell, we're never seeing your faces in this building again."
"But…but…"
"They're just gonna be paying you for half a year."
"Josh…there's no way you won't get in trouble for this."
"And this is a court case I know I'd win if they try."
"…Josh."
"Guys, don't worry about it. Your worrying is done. If this is the last time I ever see you, let it be on a high note."
"…Josh, thank you."
"Yeah man, seriously."
"No, thank you guys. And with that, I'm gonna get going."
"Nuh-uh, not without a hug you aren't."
"I- whoa geez Rebecca you're strong."
"Deal with it."
"I…okay. Okay, you got it. Thanks Rebecca, it's been an honor."
"Thank you Josh. Sorry for being a dickhead to you most of the time."
"No need to apologize. And hey, please say hi to your grandmother for me, would you?"
"Yes sir."
"Alright. And Dean, it's been a honor as well."
"Nope, I'm a hugger too now."
"Aw man, alright. Alright."
"Thanks Josh."
"Thank you Dean-o. And hey, I'm…i'm so sorry for your loss man."
"Thank you, thank you."
"Let's try to keep in touch, eh?"
"You got it."
"Rebecca, take care. And Dean, take it easy."
"Thanks Josh, you to."
"You to Josh."
"Good luck. See you guys."
"See ya."
"Bye."
"…"
"…"
"…is he gone?"
"Yup."
"…fuck, I didn't think I was gonna miss him."
"Same here Beck."
"Well…now that he's gone…Dean?"
"Yeah?"
"Are…are you sure you're okay?"
"Yeah. I'm okay Beck. I've had a day to sleep on it."
"…are…are you sure? I didn't hear from you all day and…and-"
"I…I needed some time. But…I…I think I'm good."
"Oh, okay. If….if you say so."
"Yeah, yeah."
"Well…uh…I hate to ask this…but…um…is there…any…services planned?"
"No, actually."
"Wha-no?"
"Yeah. It's a shitty scenario. They uh…they sent her ashes to her parents across the country."
"Oh…oh my god. She was cremated?"
"Yeah."
"But…"
"And I guess since they've had a falling out, it's really up in the air what her parents are gonna do with them."
"That…Dean's that awful."
"Yeah."
"I…she deserved so much better than this."
"Yeah, I know."
"…I'm sorry Dean."
"For what?"
"For…bringing all this up and…fuck it's just not fair. I shouldn't be getting this upset over it."
"Becky, it's fine. It's okay to be upset."
"…how are you handling it?"
"Huh?"
"Like…now. Why…why do you seem so…calm?"
"Because I am."
"…really?"
"Yeah. Believe me, I…I wasn't doing so good at first. And…if I let it…I still cry about it. But…I've…managed."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"…okay. I'm…i'm glad you're doing okay Dean."
"Thanks. It's…it's gonna be a long time but…I'll get through. It's what she would have wanted."
"I'm happy to hear it."
"Yeah. Well, you're obviously busy, need any help?"
"Nah. I'm good. Thanks though."
"Alrighty, cool. Oh, and you still good to bring my mail in?"
"…huh?"
"My mail."
"…you're still going to the festival?"
"Yup. I'm gonna have to drive through the night to make up some time but that's what coffee is for."
"…seriously?"
"Oh yeah, seriously. Might miss some of the first few bands, but no big deal."
"Are you sure?"
"One hundred percent."
"Oh…okay."
"…I think it'll help get my mind off things."
"Oh yeah, absolutely."
"…don't worry. I'll still you bring you a shirt back. Eventually."
"Oh, you don't gotta…e-eventually?"
"Yeah."
"But isn't it only a weekend thing?"
"Yup."
"So…what do you mean by eventually?"
"I'm not coming back."
His eyes and his smile were so warm, but his words felt ice cold.
"Wha…what do you mean you're not coming back?"
All he did was put his hands in his pockets and shrug his shoulders.
"I'm not coming back."
"But…but Dean I…"
All of a sudden, it felt like I had to reach towards him.
If I didn't grab him, he'd float away like a balloon.
"I…wh-where are you going?"
With another smile and shrug, all he said was
"I dunno."
The tears in my eyes felt like they were getting pumped out of my heart.
"B-but…D-Dean…I…"
I lost my job.
Nikki was gone.
And just like that, I'm losing Dean too.
I could feel a massive hammer crush my entire body with every blow.
"I…I don't….I don't want you to never come back…please…"
"I'm sorry Beck."
"B-b…what about…"
His hands never left his pockets.
All he did was stand there and wait.
Waited for me to give him any reason at all.
But yet, I couldn't give him one.
All I could give him was the same useless tears he's seen time and time again.
"I'm not coming back Becky."
With another massive blow, slamming me into the anvil, my knees gave way.
But yet, I couldn't feel the rough abrasive carpet.
Instead, I felt something underneath my arms.
Dangling me from them above the ground.
As I blinked my tears away, my vision revealed Dean standing directly in front of me.
He caught me.
"D-Dean?"
He didn't say anything.
Instead, he just smiled again.
I could feel him pull me up, until I could feel my feet beneath me.
"D-Dean?"
And then from somewhere below my blurry vision, I could feel a familiar thumb wipe away the tears from my eyes.
"D-Dean I-"
Before I could question it, he pulled me in close to him.
His arms wrapped around me tightly, pushing me into his chest.
I could feel the same cold breeze I felt when he held me like this the first time.
And as one of his hands caressed the back of my head, my arms shot up on their own and squeezed him tightly back.
I had no idea what was going on.
Why he was doing this or why he said the things that he said.
But nothing else ever mattered when he held me like this.
I could feel his chest raise and lift as he took in a big breath.
And as he breathed it back out, it came out as a whisper.
"I'm sorry Becky."
I took a large breath in just like he did, preparing my response.
Mumbling into his chest, I said
"For what?"
Our bodies began to slowly sway left to right, our arms tightening and loosening to match our motions.
As he breathed in again, I anticipated another whisper.
But he wouldn't whisper to me again, until a couple breaths later.
"I love you Becky. I do."
"Wha-what?"
"I do love you Beck."
"B-but…but…"
"And that's why I'm sorry."
"…I…what?"
"I'm sorry because…I don't love you the same way you love me."
"I…I…"
"You've been a friend to me for so long. You've been a constant source of inspiration."
"…"
"I love and value your friendship. I always have, even if I didn't realize it."
"…"
"So please. Don't think I'm abandoning you."
"…"
"For as long as you and I breathe, I will always love you and will always be your friend."
"…so…where are you going?"
"…I'm gonna go back home and see my family."
"…"
"I'm gonna go right most of my wrongs."
"…"
"And then…I'm gonna find her parents."
"…huh?"
"I'm gonna try. I need to see them."
"For….for what?"
"…I want to tell them about her. And…if they'll let me…mourn her."
"…"
"But I don't know how long it will take. I don't know if I ever will."
"…"
"…but I'm gonna try. I'm not coming back…until I do."
"…okay."
"…I promised her I'd live my life."
"…"
"….for her, and for you Beck."
"…"
"…I need to do this."
"…I know."
"So please. Don't wait for me."
"…okay."
"…thank you Becky."
I grabbed the small box of shit I packed off of the desk.
"Got everything you need Dean?"
"Yup, should be good to go."
I walked up to her as she stood in the doorway.
"Cool. You heading out then?"
"Yup, looks like it."
"Okay. I'll walk you out."
We headed towards the elevator, when I noticed she wasn't carrying anything herself.
"What about you Beck?"
"Eh, just big shit left. I'm waiting for someone to bring me a hand truck."
"Oh, okay."
I reached down and pressed the button with my elbow.
"So, what's the plan? Now that this place is fried."
"Well, I've got seven months to think about it. Worse comes to worse, I bet I can make a killing with some commissions again."
"Alright, fair enough."
I could see the elevator was about halfway up.
"Oh, and when it comes to the mail, you don't gotta worry about that. I haven't ordered anything recently and obviously won't anytime soon."
"What about any other mail?"
"Eh. It'll all be junk if anything."
"Okay, fair enough."
Just a couple more floors left to wait.
"But listen, if for whatever reason you need a place to crash, you're welcome to it."
"Okay, cool. Thanks Dean. I'll remember that next time Gigi has all her boyfriends over."
And with that, the elevator door opened.
"Well, this is me."
I took one step in, before I could feel Becky tug at my shirt.
"Wait one second you gopher."
I put my box down on the tracks, leaving the door open.
"What's up Beck?"
"…one more hug?"
"Of course."
I stepped forward, reaching over her as she reached down towards my waist.
"…thank you Dean."
"Thank you Beck."
We stood there a few more moments, the elevator getting more and more annoyed behind me.
"You'll still text me, right?"
"I sure will Beck."
"You're not just gonna…vanish…right?"
"Nope."
"Cool, you better not."
She looked up at me, our arms still wrapped around each other.
"Dean…is it okay…if I say I love you? Like a friend?"
"Sure, go ahead."
"Okay….love you Dean."
"Love you too Beck."
As she looked back down, I reached down and kissed the top of her head.
"This isn't goodbye Beck….I…i've had enough goodbyes."
"…okay."
With one more slow crunch, the elevator was ready to break the box I packed.
"Well, at least for now."
I could hear her scoff into my chest.
"You suck. I hate you and you suck."
"I know."
"…bye Dean."
"Bye Becky."
"Alright, that's everything. Pop in the GPS here and…thirty four hours? Alright, not that bad actually."
My sunglasses were on, my car was packed to the brim, and my gas tank was full.
'In a quarter of a mile, turn left.'
"You got it lady."
In a quarter of a mile was the on-ramp of the first of many highways I was about to take.
'Turn left.'
"I know, you don't gotta yell at me."
From thirty miles per hour, to fourty-five, and then to seventy.
I was now on the highway, and the cruise control was on.
"Alright, here we go!"
'For seventy-eight miles, keep going straight.'
"Oh gee thanks, what the fuck else am I gonna do?"
I took a quick sip of my soda, and then took a quick look over at the horizon.
Somewhere way down there, there was a nice hotel and three days of rock n' roll waiting for me.
I could feel a big smile stretch across my face.
"I'm doing it. I'm really doing it."
I drove a long for a little bit, with nothing but the wind to accompany me.
Leaving behind all my thoughts on the on-ramp.
A few miles became ten.
The ten became about fifty.
'Speed check reported ahead.'
"Ahh! What?"
On instinct, I started tapping the brake.
Slowing down from my current eighty-five to a leisurely sixty-five.
Tucked in the trees along the shoulder was a white car probably checking my speed.
"Shit shit shit."
But, as one slow mile became three, the car never came out after me.
"Oh thank God."
I took a deep breath out, before nervously chuckling to myself.
"Slow down Dean. Slow down."
I kept the car at sixty-five for a few more miles.
"Yeah. Slow down. I should slow down.
It's…
…
It's okay.
…
It's not a race.
…
It's okay.
…
…I'm okay.
…
…
…
…I'm…
…I-I-I'm okay…
…right?
…r-right?
….
…
….fuck…
…
…
…fuck…
…
…
….f-fuck….
….
….
…
…sorry…
…sorry…
…
I'm….
….i'm sorry…
…
…
…
…I'm okay.
I'm okay.
…
I'm okay.
I'm okay."
I set the cruise control to where I was, just about sixty three miles per hour.
'In about ten miles, take the exit on the right.'
"Right, right. Exit. You got it."
My cheeks itched, and my eyes burned a little bit.
But after forcing my fist underneath my sunglasses, I was able to rub the discomfort away.
"It's gonna be a long trip.
…but that's okay.
…I can do it."
'In five miles, take the exit.'
"Man, I should put some music on or something."
'Take the exit.'
"Here we go and- wait shit, what did I press?"
As I steered the car off of the exit, I couldn't properly aim where I tapped the screen.
But as the off ramp became the on-ramp for another highway, I still didn't hear any music.
'For two hundred miles, keep going straight.'
"Come on, where's the tunes?"
I took another peek ay my phone, revealing to me I pressed the button to pick a different speaker.
"No no no dummy, don't do that."
I tapped away from it, showing me the large play button I wanted to press in the first place.
With a quick tap, the car hummed with a few quick familiar guitar riffs.
"Ha! Figures."
I was getting ready to take a few deep breaths in and start getting my lungs and vocal cords ready for the festival.
But, there was one thing I had to do before I did.
"Good pick Nikki.
Thank you.
…for everything.
Love you."
Feel the fire where she walks
Lola Montez, so beautiful
Shady and a tempered dame
Blinding your eyes with her spider dance