"Why hello there, wayward sinner! Do you enjoy blood, violence, and depravity of a sexual nature? Of course you do! That's why you're in Hell! But what if I told you there was a place to stay that had absolutely none of that? Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel, a misguided path to redemption! Founded approximately 5 days ago by Lucifer's delusional little daughter Charlotte Morningstar! Come on in and place your trust and faith in her inexperienced hands as she tries to work through all of her emotional baggage by FIXING YOU! Here at the Hazbin Hotel, we offer such FUN THINGS like somewhat functional staff, 24-hour pest control, 'custom' rooms, and just look at this delightfully tacky parlor! Enjoy riveting conversation with our singular guest! WOW! You'll find all this and more, only at the Hazbin Hotel! Your last desperate attempt at salvation starts here! CALL NOW! (Or don't, I don't care! We still don't have a working phone!)"

-KLIK!-

As the lobby television flicked off, Alastor leaned against it, smiling as widely as he always did. "So, what do you lot think?" "I'm sorry, the fuck was that!?" yelled Vaggie, jumping up from her seat next to Charlie, clearly not jiving with Alastor's artistic vision. "Uhhh, yeah... one note, Alastor. I mean, first off, thank you for making this and all, but I feel like the tone's a bit... off?" said Charlie, gently pulling Vaggie back down to her seat. "We want people to come here to the Hotel. But your commercial makes it look...how should I put it..." "Like the run-down pile of shit it is?" suggested the bartender, not even looking up from the glass he was cleaning. "Hey! Nobody asked you, Jack!" Vaggie snapped at the bartender, pointing a finger at him. "Well excuse me, lady, but unlike the rest of you dinguses, I'm only here because Smiles over there dragged me into this whole mess." Jack the bartender looked up, his face looking unnervingly human next to the rest of his otherwise demonic body, looking like a mask that was supposed to resemble what he looked like when he was alive. "I mean, seriously, look at this place! We don't even have any working telephones, I've nearly gotten crushed by falling rafters at least 6 times this week alone, we literally only have ONE resident who couldn't give less of a shit about redemption..." Jack pointed at Angel Dust, who was lounging on a nearby couch, reading the latest issue of Going Commando. "Oh, and speaking of which, what evidence do YOU even have that gives even the slightest bit of credence to the idea of sinners being able to ascend!?" yelled Jack, shifting his attention to Charlie, who attempted to rebuke. "Well, I mean, no one person is completely evil, right? We've just got to appeal to the people's better nature and judgment!"

Hearing this, Jack could only grimace at Charlie. "Oh believe me, pumpkin, my better nature died when that bimbo Moxxi stabbed me in the back on Helios..." He scowled as he went back to cleaning dishes, grumbling. "Honestly, this place is gonna be lucky if nobody comes here. Knowing the freaks down here, it'll probably get burnt down, blown up, vandalized, bulldozed, taken over by the Overlords' thugs... I could go on all day, really..." As Jack halfheartedly organized glasses, Alastor tapped the TV with his staff. "Perhaps I could've made a more worthwhile advertisement if I'd been able to operate in the medium which I personally prefer, and not this obnoxious chatterbox." "You do realize that a vast majority of people down here DON'T listen to your old-timely radio crap, right?" asked Vaggie, her eye twitching. "Now darlin', this face was made for the airwaves! If you absolutely need advertise through this damned thing, maybe you ought to go to that petulant trend-chaser Vox..." Alastor flashed Vaggie a smug look, though the insufferable tone in his voice faltered a bit when mentioning 'Vox'.

Looking up from his magazine, Angel raised his finger, something clearly on his dirty mind. "I got a little idea. If you're filmin' yourselves a commercial, why not take advantage of the celebrity talent you got here?~" He grinned as 4 of his arms pointed at himself. "Uhhh, Angel... with all due respect, I would personally prefer that we maybe NOT film a porno to advertise the Hotel..." Charlie said, attempting to remain courteous to her single guest. "Why not? Sex sells, don't it!? Jus' film me goin' at it with ol' Handsome Jackass over there n' you'll have all kinds'a demons bustin' down da walls to get in!" Angel's grin widened, pointing over at Jack ("Nope!"). "Look, Angel, I appreciate that you want to contribute and everything, but I can't help but feel that what you're suggesting feels a little... exploitative." said Charlie, shrugging with an awkward expression on her face. "Exploitative!? Baby, I was made for dat sorta stuff! I mean, jus' lookit me!" Angel motioned to himself. "I got da arms, da stamina, da legs, da chest fluff dat everyone thinks're tits..."

As Angel continued listing all that made him appealing, a slow, loud knock suddenly rang out from the front door. "Hmm? Who could that be?" Charlie got up from the couch, leaning against the door and looking through the peephole, before opening it for the one on the other side: a very surly mail-demon in a ripped-up uniform with several hellhounds gnawing on various parts of his body. "Oi, 'ere's a letter fer ya, ya wee feck-" The mail-demon grumbled as he shoved said envelope into Charlie's hands, before shuffling away, continuing to grumble and curse to himself as the hellhounds gnawed and chewed on him still. "Well, thank you! And have a lovely day!" ("Feck off!")" With a little wave, Charlie closed the door and began slowly opening the envelope, careful not to damage the elaborate wax seal. "Oh, please let it be an eviction notice..." muttered Jack, leaning his face against his hand. But judging from Charlie's increasingly wide smile as she read the letter's contents, it seemed to be anything but. "VAGGIEOHMYGOSH!!!" shouted Charlie, suddenly letting out a loud gasp as she scrunched up the letter in her hands. "Ah! What!?" asked Vaggie, heading over to see what Charlie was bouncing up and down all excitedly for.

Waving Vaggie over, Charlie brandished the letter for her to read. "It's from Dad! Apparently the general of Heaven's armies wants to meet with him, and he's sending me in his stead!" Vaggie scratched her head, her brow furrowed. "What? But this year's Extermination just got finished, what could they possibly want this soon after?-" She barely had any time to finish her sentence before Charlie suddenly struck a pose, holding her hand to her chest and belting out a tune. "I can do this... Somehow I know it...I'll get Heaven behind my plans!" "Charlie, hold on..." said Vaggie, gently placing a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder, not wanting her hopes to get too high. But once Charlie started singing, there was little anyone could do to stop her. "There's just no way I could blow it... not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds... and touch their hearts, or... whatever angels have!" "Look Charlie, it's just a meeting, I wouldn't get my hopes up-" "Cheer up, Vaggie! This could be swell!" Charlie pranced over to the front entrance and threw open the doors with all the might she could muster. "Something tells me that today will be a happy day in Hell!" "Okay, but just don't... sing to them-" sighed Vaggie, pinching the bridge of her nose, only to be interrupted by Angel. "Too late! Bitch is already halfway down the street!" said Angel, gathered at the front door along with Jack and Alastor, watching Charlie prance down the sidewalk on her way to the Heavenly Embassy. "Oh goddamnit..." cursed Vaggie, seeing no possible way this could end well.

Meanwhile, Charlie danced and pranced her way through Pentagram City, singing her heart out all the way. "There's a warm fuzzy feeling that wafts through the air! Every street so revealing it's hard not to stare! A realm so appealing, it beats anywhere!" Charlie's rhythm and stride remained unbroken, dancing around meth-heads, prostitutes, and rotting corpses accumulating flies and maggots, the princess opting to send greetings a sinner's way. "Hi, mister!" But if it wasn't already obvious, Charlie was like a fluffy, golden feather in a large pile of serrated steak knives. "GO FUCK YOURSELF!" shouted back the sinner in question, giving Charlie the finger before taking a hit off a crack pipe. Still, Charlie danced on, continuing to belt out tunes that would put tears in the Sherman brothers' eyes, briefly taking on a more somber tone as she looked over at a particularly pitiable group of sinners huddling around a dumpster fire for warmth. "I can hear all their stories, the lost and displaced, and I know they're more of an acquired taste. But if I open my doors and I give them a place at my Hazbin Hotel, it'll be a happy day in Hell!"

Continuing onward, Charlie managed to reach the steps leading up to the Heaven Embassy's entrance, where she let out one last glorious chorus, with a few sinners throwing in their 2 cents as well: "I can do this! I just know it! (There's an endless trash fire that's burnin' my soul...) I'll get Heaven behind my plans! There's just no way I could blow it! (I don't like the barbed wire that's shoved in my hole...) Not this once in a lifetime chance! To change their minds-" "AND TOUCH MY PARTS!" A bulky sinner suddenly interrupted Charlie, opening his trench coat and flashing her. "Ummm... no thank you. I'm just gonna FULFILL MY DESTINYYYYY!!! ("Your loss, bitch!")" Sang out Charlie, stepping past the flasher and sprinting up the steps, ascending with each increasingly high note, backed with a chorus of Sinners. "I can already telllll... ITS GONNA BE A REALLY, REALLY-SUPER-DUPER-HAPPY DAY IN HELLLLLL!!!" With that final crescendo, Charlie threw open the door to the Heaven Embassy and leapt inside, leaving the chorus of Sinners to collapse from exhaustion once they made sure the number was over.

Entering the Heaven Embassy, Charlie was greeted initially with such a bright white interior she briefly needed to shield her eyes to let them adjust, but once they did, they be held something unheard of in a place like Hell: An expansive, grandiose lobby, the walls lined with marble columns, and all around were mosaics and vases depicting mighty heroes felling vicious beasts, rescuing those in need, and leading vast armies. Charlie continued through the hall, her gazing at the artwork and architecture on display in awe. So much so she failed to notice the reception desk she was about to walk into. "GAGH!" yelped Charlie, bumping into the desk and frantically trying to regain her balance. Once she was back on her feet, she looked back up at the desk... ...only to find that nobody was there. "Um, hello? Is anybody there?" asked Charlie, her eyebrow raising as she looked around and saw that the place was seemingly completely empty. So utterly quiet and devoid of any presence save for her own that you could hear a fly whizzing about. "Excuse me, I'm here to meet with the Angelic Army's representative at the behest of my father, is there anyone I can perhaps talk to?" Charlie asked again, but the closest she got to an answer was her own echo. Then without warning, a piece of paper levitated off the reception desk along with a golden quill. "What the-!?" Charlie briefly leapt back, understandably taken aback by floating paper. Recovering from the shock, Charlie leaned in closer to read the document but unfortunately, she couldn't even begin to understand what it said: 'Χρειαζόμαστε μια υπογραφή επιβεβαίωσης προτού μπορέσετε να συναντηθείτε με τον θερμαντήρα της Olympus.' "Uhhh...x-pela...wha..?" Charlie's brow furrowed tightly as she tried to even make the most basic guess as to what any of this could possibly mean, only for yet another surprise to emerge as the document began translating itself before her very eyes: 'We require a signature of confirmation before you can meet with Olympus' warmaster.' "Jeez, this is getting creepy..." muttered Charlie, grabbing the quill and signing the paper, which promptly vanished in a golden flash. Sighing in relief, Charlie sat down on one of the chairs in the waiting area, pulling some papers of her own out of her jacket and going through them, when a particular part of the document caught up her train of thought. "Ok, remember, start the pitch with the song, show them the puppy-dog kisses and puffy-wuffy clouds- no wait, maybe show them the rainbows and cupcakes, then- waitaminute, did that thing say 'Olympus'?"

Before she could finish that thought, a pair of massive doors behind the reception desk opened, leading to a massive golden staircase, the faint sound of horns and lyres emanating from a room atop it. Looking up at it, Charlie was again mildly awestruck, seeing just how sheerly pristine and polished the whole thing was, even down to the cold touch as she placed her hand on the railing and began making her way upward, like it hadn't been used in years. Eventually, Charlie reached the top of the gilded stairs, entering the spacious meeting room, circular in shape, the walls covered in mosaics showing the escapades of a massive, ominous figure wearing a galia adorned with a massive horsehair plume, lit by torches. But like the lobby, this room was also empty. "Not this again..." muttered Charlie. "Hello!? I'm here on behalf of my dad to see your army's representative! Anybody!? Helloooo-!!"

THUD! THUD! THUD! The ground began shaking with the sound of massive footsteps coming from a passage on the opposite end of the room. "AGH! WHAT IN THE-!?" As Charlie struggled to keep her footing amidst the quaking, a titanic, shredded figure emerged from the passage, easily double Charlie's height, clad in a bronze chestpiece with muscles contoured into it, a matching pair of bracers around his wrists, camo cargo pants and pitch black combat boots, and atop his head was a bronze galia helmet with a massive red plume, matching the one depicted in the mosaics decorating the room. Looking up at the figure, Charlie couldn't help but immediately notice his face... or rather, his seeming lack of one, as his helmet hid it in shadow, leaving only his glowing yellow eyes visible beneath. The armored behemoth looked down to match Charlie's intimidated stare, brows furrowed in a perpetually angry expression. Walking up to the meeting table, the giant summoned an equally large throne adorned with spears and skulls, slowly sitting down in it, before finally speaking. "Well? Are you just going to stand there staring at me with those big ol' eyes? Or are you going to have a seat as well?" "Oh! Uh, yeah! Yeah! Sorry, just a little-" "Intimidated? Scared? You ought to be." said the giant, his voice echoing through the room as Charlie situated herself. "Welllll... I suppose we ought to introduce ourselves. I'm Charlie, my father sent me to meet with you." She said with a small, nervous smile, reaching out to offer a handshake. "I am Ares. God of War, Rage, and Terror, and General of the armies of Olympus." Hearing this, Charlie's nervousness only worsened, small beads of sweat forming on her brow. "W-well, it's nice to meet you, Mr. Ares..." "Spare me the formalities, child, I've more important matters to address. So do me a favor and at least explain why you waste my time..." growled Ares, drumming his fingers on the arm of his throne. "Well, I'm glad we have this opportunity to meet, as there's this project I've been working on for some time that I've really wanted to talk with you about..." Charlie pulled her papers out from her jacket and began shuffling through them. "...a-and of course, you seem like a... reasonable, stand-up guy. I mean, you're general of Heaven's armies, a big thinker, unmatched on the battlefield..." Ares leaned over to look closer at Charlie. "I'm sorry, are you trying to court my favor by stroking my ego?" Ares looked Charlie directly in the eye, his gaze piercing into her soul. "Do you honestly believe the God of War is that easily swayed?" Realizing that she was starting to wade knee-deep into trouble, Charlie blurted out the first thing she thought would possibly deescalate the situation before promptly ducking beneath the table. "How would you like to have your name put on something and partially attributed and credited to you!?"

Charlie closed her eyes, anticipating an angry response, only for several seconds to pass without any swords or axes coming down on her. Peeking up from the table, Charlie saw that Ares' face had eased up, and was stroking his chin contemplatively. "Hmmmm... you're saying you wish to attribute this project to me? Like a monument of sorts?" asked Ares, intrigued. "Well, kind of like a monument I guess?" answered Charlie, shrugging. "What sort of monument are we talking here? An enormous mosaic showcasing my countless victories? An abstract art piece made from the trophies of those slain in my name? Or perhaps even a massive, grand statue that captures my unmatchably glorious physique?" Ares flexed his arm, his gigantic bicep expanding as his veins bulged. "Well, none of those things, necessarily... my project is a solution to what is currently our biggest problem!" exclaimed Charlie, managing to find the paper she was looking for. "...Herpes?" asked Ares, raising his eyebrow. "No, our other biggest problem." said Charlie. "Math?" "No." "Ugly people?" "Still no." "FOMO in video games?" "I mean, that's a pretty big issue, but not what I'm talking about." Charlie laid out a sketch of the Hazbin Hotel on the table in front of Ares for him to see. "Rather, I was referring to our shared problem of overpopulation in Hell!" "Ohhhh..." said Ares, pausing for a bit. "What are you talking about? That's not a problem at all! We've had that covered for eons! In fact, here-" Ares pulled out a golden horn and blew into it, its cry blaring through the room. Seemingly in response to the horn, another figure flew into the room, an Angel adorned in black and silver armor similar to Ares', a large white plume atop her helmet. "You summoned for me, Lord Ares?" asked the Angel, placing her fist to her chest in a salute. "Lieutenant Lute, tell our guest here just how many demons you alone managed to kill during this year's Extermination." ordered Ares. "Approximately 375." answered Lute, grinning smugly at her own achievement. "See? And if Lute alone can kill that many, now take into account the entire Angelic army! So yes, overpopulation's essentially a nonissue for the time being." said Ares, leaning back on his throne. "But Mr. Ares, you realize that those are all human souls your army is butchering during the Exterminations, right? The same kinds of souls you've got up in Heaven!" "They are not the same." snapped Lute, coldly sneering at Charlie. "They had their chance to live a righteous life, and they wasted it. They earned their damnation." "They just made some mistakes! Everybody makes mistakes!" retorted Charlie, only to be met with an angry glare from Ares. "Sure, sinners make mistakes... mortals make mistakes... demons make mistakes... even you make mistakes... but remember my words, girl..." Ares leaned from his throne, bringing his shadowed-out face uncomfortably close to Charlie's, staring her dead in the eyes. "Gods DON'T."

Ares' stare only intensified, Charlie watching as flames began to rise and flicker from them, seeing visions of all that Ares embodied: Spartans and Persians slaughtering each other with spears and swords, soldiers burning jungles to the ground to flush out their enemies, cities and villages left in smoking ruins from bombing runs... "I haven't much time left for you to waste, so whatever asinine proposal it is you have for 'redemption', show it to us while you still can..." growled Ares, the flames in his eyes vanishing as he leaned back into his throne. "Oh, shoot!" Charlie snapped out of the fearful trance Ares' visions had lulled her into, frantically pulling out her other drawings and getting them in order. "Ahem, so I've got a lot to get through and not a lot of time, and I feel like you weren't really hearing me before, so here it goes- I know Hell's population is out of control, its a bad situation, it's taking a toll! But if we rehab these sinners, and cleanse all their souls at my Hazbin Hoteeeel-! WAIT! I'm getting ahead of myself-!" Charlie began stumbling over herself as she tried to find the right drawings to convey her point. "Errrr... right! Extermination! I know you guys fly down just to kill once a year, and it must be annoying to have to schlep all the way here! But if they join you in Heaven, that trip disappears! You can wave that chore fareweeeeell! It'll be a happy day in-!" Before she could finish her song, Ares suddenly put his massive hand up to her face, retorting with a song of his own. "Let me stop you right there, save us all precious time..." Ares rose from his throne, an axe-shaped guitar appearing in his hands, rhythmically strumming it. "If what you're suggesting is letting them climb up the ladder, 'Oh they'd rather cross the Pearly Gates'? Sorry princess, but there's no defying their fate!" Suddenly, an entire band of Exterminators joined Ares, performing with him. "'Cause Hell is forever, whether you like it or not! Had their chance to behave better, now they boil in the pot! 'Cause the rules are black and white, there's no use in trying to fight it! They'll burn for their lives until we kill them again! And when all is said and done... (Said and done...) There's the question of fun... and for those of us with divine ordainment... Extermination is ENTERTAINMEEEENT!" The God of War began mercilessly shredding on his guitar, producing a screeching riff as Charlie could only watch, her jaw open in disbelief. "Hell is forever, and it's meant to suck a lot, had their chance to behave better, now they boil in the pot!" chanted Ares and his band, summoning a pair of men smaller than him, but equally muscular and dressed similarly, to drag Charlie out of the room. "No, wait! What are you-!?" "But while we've got your attention, we really ought to mention that we've made the determination... to move up the next Extermination!" Hearing this, Charlie's widened even larger than they usually were. "WHAT!?" Before she was thrown out the door down the stairs, Ares leaned down to address Charlie one last time. "The girls can't wait a whole year to slay those weak, pathetic runts! I know it's only been a day, but we'll be back in SIX MONTHS!" With that, Charlie was thrown out the door, left tumbling down the gilded stairs back down the lobby.

3 MINUTES OF FALLING DOWN STAIRS LATER:

Charlie finally landed back in the lobby, rubbing her head and wincing in pain. "Augh... son of a..." she grunted, tears welling in her eyes as she angrily punched the floor, defeatedly. But there wasn't much she could do now. Not much except simply pick herself up and head back to the Hotel... "*sniff*... damn it..."

Back at the Hazbin Hotel, Vaggie and the others sat around the lobby in anticipation, the former promptly springing out of her seat once Charlie opened the door and entered. "Charlie! How'd it go!?" asked Vaggie, beaming as she tightly hugged Charlie. "Did they hear you out?" "Well... I guess they... heard me, but-" Before Charliecould finish, Vaggie pulled her over to the couch, turning on the TV. "So while you were gone, I figured I'd do you a favor and try and make an actually appealing commercial for the hotel. And thanks to Alastor pulling a few strings... ("And some limbs! Ha!")... it's about to air!" "Wait... you made a new one?" asked Charlie, a smile beginning to form on her face. "Vaggie, that's... that's amazing..." "Oh my God, would you cut it with the waterworks!? It's starting!" yelled Jack from behind the bar counter. Everyone in the lobby looked to the TV as the commercial came on, showing Vaggie, Angel, Alastor, and Jack dressed much nicer than usual and standing in front of the Hotel's front door. "Welcome to the Hazbin Hotel-" Suddenly, before the commercial could even get a single sentence in, it was cut off by a Breaking News report from Channel 666, prompting mass frustration and confusion from the group. "Breaking news in the Pride Ring today! Just a few minutes ago, a message was left from Ares, God of War regarding a change in the annual Extermination's schedule:" The news report cut to a recording of Ares, arms crossed, delivering some real grim information. "Attention, wastrels and whores of Hell. As of recently, the rate at which Sinners arrive down there is beginning to get a bit... overt. Henceforth, as of today, the Exterminations are now biannual!" As Ares said that last sentence, panic arose all over the Pride Ring as Extermination timers' displays all over were altered. "And of course, this can mean only one thing, you're all royally FU-!" Suddenly, at the sight of Ares, Vaggie threw a knife straight into the TV screen, shattering it. "What da hell!? Dat was our only workin' television!" shouted Angel Dust, having narrowly avoided having a knife lodged in his back.

Ares chuckled to himself as he concluded his message to Hell and walked from the camera, grabbing a goblet of wine and taking a hearty sip. "What are you looking so tense for, Lute? Have yourself a drink! We'll be able to slaughter these heathens twice as often, I figured you'd be celebrating that. Lute looked up at Ares, her brow furrowed. "As much as I'd love to, there's something that requires your immediate attention, Lord Ares." Lute clicked a remote, activating a nearby screen, showing footage of a decapitated Exterminator, golden blood still spurting from the neck. "Somehow, those curs have managed to kill one of us." Looking up to Ares, all Lute was met with was him nonchalantly taking another large swig of wine. "My lord, this has literally never happened before! The sinners have found a way to fight back for the first time in eons, and your only response is to simply continue drinking like it's nothing!?" Ares pulled the goblet from his lips, wiping his mouth with his arm. "Worry not, lieutenant. With the new biannual schedule, by the end of next year there won't be enough demons alive to achieve anything like this again..."