Chapter 3 - Failure

WARNINGS: Self-harming, emotional abuse, torture

Hopefully the warnings aren't scaring anyone away... :) This chapter is about as dark as it gets and I promise things are going to start getting better from this point on...

~ Tirana Sorki

They don't talk much after that, on the way back to base. Obi-Wan thinks he's even less clear on what's going on than he was before he went on the mission with Anakin. He can't understand what would ever make Anakin turn against the Jedi. Doesn't really understand how he could have been forced to do it. Why couldn't he have left the moment he was able to get away from him? Or at least warned the Jedi to get out?

Unless he really does believe that they're traitors. He certainly was implying as much and he doesn't understand.

"I'm not one of you. I never have been."

The words echo through Obi-Wan's mind again, his own confusion and the sharp sting the words left coiling inside of him.

It was the Jedi that brought him and Anakin together. It was because of the Jedi that – that Anakin is everything to him and always has been. The words felt like a complete disregard of that and he can't deny how much they hurt.

Even if maybe he's making it a bit too personal.

He can't stop thinking about the hurt look in Anakin's eyes when he'd snapped back at him for making that comment, and... He wants to say something to him about it, to just...

It feels like it's inevitable that he ends up hurting him even when he doesn't mean to, and he always regrets it afterwards, but he never knows what to do about it.

It doesn't help that he's still angry either. Doesn't know how he could ever let go of the icy rage coiling inside of him, though most of that is at Sidious and Windu. No matter how angry he is at what Anakin might have done, he can never forget the moment he saw Windu cut him down in the hologram, and all that time that he thought he was dead. It never stops hurting or haunting him. It never could.

And as a Jedi he probably shouldn't be angry about that but he is and he doesn't know how to let that go. He doesn't know how to let go of any of what he's feeling and try to find calm anymore.

Anakin was the center of everything to him and he nearly lost that forever. It still only half feels real that he's right here beside him again. Especially because it still feels like they're a million miles apart somehow. He needs to talk to him again but maybe now isn't the time to do that. He's going to be having some words with Windu the first chance he gets, and he'll be demanding that he get to work with Anakin consistently in the future so they should have plenty of time to talk later, after hopefully both of their heads are back on straight.

The way Anakin's holding himself when they head to the briefing room where Windu is waiting, it's easy to see how... scared he is.

It makes something inside of him clench uncomfortably but he doesn't know what to do about it. He knows why Anakin is uneasy around Windu considering that he killed him, but... He doesn't have the chance to try thinking of something to say to him before they reach the briefing room.

Windu looks between them and Obi-Wan avoids looking into the literal black holes his eyes are now. He can't even see his eyes shifting anymore, but from how the light is glinting of them he can tell they are.

"I see Infil'a isn't with you," he says, something dangerous in his voice.

Anakin crosses his arms, gaze stubbornly fixed on the floor.

"We were overwhelmed by the clones before we could get out. He didn't make it," Obi-Wan replies.

Windu's eyes narrow. "Tell me the details of what happened, Skywalker."

There's something sharp and commanding about the words but that's not what gets Obi-Wan's attention half as much as that they feel like... a Force suggestion?

What?

Anakin jerks slightly, the Force twisting strangely around him as he straightens.

And proceeds to go into a very long, detailed explanation of how they failed, including all the details Obi-Wan genuinely expected he was going to leave out. But why is he talking in a monotone, almost robotically at least until he finishes?

The way he promptly curls in on himself the moment he finishes talking makes him even more on edge.

"What did you do?" Obi-Wan demands, staring at Windu.

Something is very wrong with him. He just can't figure out what it was. It's physically impossible for someone to Force suggest Anakin. He's simply way too strong in the Force for anyone to get close to getting into his mind without literally shattering their own, but he can't deny that that's exactly what it felt like.

"Nothing that's any of your concern," Windu retorts, "I warned you about keeping him in line and you failed completely, as you always have. This is why he Fell. You never curbed his attachments like you were supposed to. All you're going to do is make him Fall all over again."

"His Fall has nothing to do with me," Obi-Wan snaps, glowering at him. He knows he didn't teach Anakin as well as he should have. Clearly, or the boy wouldn't have fallen. He failed his promise to Qui-Gon. But hearing Windu flat-out say that and then remembering how he was the one who killed Anakin... All he can feel is a rush of anger at the words. "And the only one here who I sense the Dark Side around is you. Not Anakin."

If they're going to throw blame around, two can play at that. He shouldn't be talking to Windu like this, but he's too furious at him to care. And it's true. Windu feels dark, far darker than ever before, almost like he's Fallen.

"You're being preposterous and getting lost in your emotions, Obi-Wan," Windu snaps back, before looking to Anakin. "Return to your room, Skywalker."

Anakin throws a sideways glance at Obi-Wan but not quite enough to meet his gaze as he slips out of the room without another word.

Anakin doesn't blindly follow orders like that. Not – not like that.

He doesn't understand how in the world the boy has changed or what happened. None of this makes any sense. He's missing something huge, and he can't figure out what.

**w**

The sound of his hammering heart, now that he's alone in his totally silent room, feels practically deafening. He's almost surprised everyone can't hear it already. Anakin already knows this is going to go very, very badly.

He hasn't failed a mission to this extent since all this started, and – This is only going to get worse.

What if Windu doesn't let Obi-Wan be around him anymore? He's admittedly scared to be around his former master too, especially after how much arguing they were already doing, but it's better than the sheer aching loneliness tearing him apart. He has nothing here, nothing at all. No one talks to him, except Windu. To be fair, no one's really allowed to talk to him.

He can't stand the isolation of it anymore even if everyone in the galaxy is probably safer away from him. That's what he's been told over and over and it feels true.

He crosses his arms reflectively, digging the fingers of right hand into his left arm over the area that's definitely bruised from how badly it hurts when he does it. It feels deserved and at least the pain is distracting from the panic clawing at him.

The panic of knowing this is going to go terribly and there's nothing he can do to escape from it. He's perfectly aquatinted with that feeling, has been ever since Tatooine but that doesn't make it any easier to face.

Especially not when he hears footsteps approaching and feels that overwhelming Force bond in his mind pulse with life.

The door snaps open, Windu stepping inside.

Anakin pushes himself to his feet instantly, wishing there was somewhere he could back away too. Not that it would help anything. Not when he can't even control his own mind anymore.

"I'm sorry," Anakin starts, desperation crawling into his throat. He has to say something. "I didn't mean for – for that to happen."

"Like you didn't mean to slaughter the rest of the Jedi?" he retaliates, sharply, "You're a danger to everyone around you."

That is true. He knows that. It – wishes he could stop thinking about the Temple but it's not like he deserves that, does he? Not after – after everything.

"You have the power to help, to do more good than anyone and yet you always choose to use it for yourself, to be selfish. I fail to see why the Force allowed the abilities of the Chosen One to go to someone like you, but I can see now why allowed this kind of control over you.

Is that that why this happened? Because the Force didn't trust him either?

But he can't believe that because the one thing he's always believed in is the Force. It's the only thing he's ever been able to believe in, even if trying to follow it when he's always had to obey authority is... hard.

Past his fear, a sharp surge of burning fury lights up in his chest. It's not all wrong but he didn't let Infil'a die because he wanted to.

"What should I have done?" Anakin grits out, even if he knows he really, really should shut up, "Kill all the innocent people in my way just to save one? Isn't that always what the Jedi – "

Windu hits him.

He actually hits him like –

Anakin clamps his mouth shut, stumbling a step away from him to somewhere hopefully out of reach.

Talk about a disregard for everything the Jedi claimed they believed in.

It's hardly that it hurt half as much as the fact that he actually did that. Watto hit him countless times before. It was a constant fact of his existence. And the one thing that he slowly learned at the Temple was that none of the masters there would hit him because Jedi don't do that.

Until now.

It drives home just how much he's nothing but his slave, maybe never has been.

The Jedi Master is still glowering at him, black eyes shimmering angrily.

Also, he's so stupid. Should've known to just shut up. You don't backtalk to your slavers. You don't have to even be four years old to know that.

"As if life is something that concerns you so much," Windu replies harshly, "If it had, you wouldn't have destroyed the Order which gave you a home when you never belonged there in the first place. We should never have agreed to train you."

Oh, he already knew that's what Windu thought so he doesn't know how it could still hurt, to hear that everything he did was entirely meaningless.

Maybe because he kind of agrees, too.

"You were one of us, until you chose not to be."

Seems to be what Obi-Wan thought to, or at least close enough. Tries not to think about how much those words had hurt.

"Since you are incapable of behaving when I'm not present, the next mission we will be going on, you will be working with me," Windu goes on, voice calming a little but the steel in his voice is there, as always.

He'll be working with him again?

Disappointment swells up instantly, nearly enough to take his breath away. Is he going to be trapped with him forever? Is he ever going to get to – to be around anyone in his family anymore? He genuinely doesn't think he cares if all Obi-Wan does is yell at him anymore as long he can stop feeling so desperately alone. And he just wants to cry again but he's definitely not going to right now.

He wishes he could work with Ahsoka again, but Windu would never allow that. He doesn't know how Ahsoka would feel about what he's done, if she'd want anything to do with him or not, but... He has to think deep inside that she wouldn't let Windu keep doing this. Not that there's anything she can do. He doesn't think the bond is even breakable, is it?

And he won't even get into how much he misses Rex. He doesn't know when he's ever going to see him again.

"What's the mission?" Anakin dares to risk asking, trying to ignore how much his face is still stinging.

"There are rumors of a Jedi survivor being sold at an auction. We need to locate them and stay focused. Until the Jedi are restored as they once were, we don't have time to get distracted with anything else. It's far too dangerous."

Is that some pointed way of warning him not to get involved in helping any of the other slaves if they aren't Jedi? If they aren't the ones that matter apparently, just like it always was when the Order was still standing? No slaves mattered unless they were important to the Republic.

It feels like Windu is violating everything it ever meant to be a Jedi, but it's not like Anakin's one to talk either. But it does mean he can't believe in them anymore.

He sinks onto the edge of his cot, burying his head in his hands.

He hates everything.

And everyone.

Well not everyone, but certainly Windu.

But most of all he loathes himself. He's the strongest Force sensitive ever and he should be strong enough to help, but he's always been too weak. All he's ever done is fail. That's all he's capable of doing. He's so useless. All he does is hurt people.

There's a nail on the edge of his cot that's loose and he reaches over without really thinking yanking it free. The edges are sharp and rough. He doesn't think about what he's doing until he's shoved up his right sleeve, roughly dragging the nail across his skin.

Pain sparks in its wake, along with a trickle of blood. It's not bad but it hurts and it burns and at least it's distracting and it certainly feels like he deserves it but he can't afford to damage himself too much if he's supposed to be capable of fighting so he tosses the nail into the corner only half sure why he even just did that now.

Anakin drops onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. The pain in his arm might be distracting but it's not enough to take any of what's burning in his heart away.

At least he's alone when he breaks down and cries.

**w**

When Anakin actually hears the details of the next mission, he's even less excited about it than the last one. They have to infiltrate at an auction and they're freeing someone from slavers and no matter what any Jedi did, none of them deserve to be trapped in this kind of life. But that doesn't mean Anakin has any desire to dress up as Windu's slave no less. Not that it's any different than his actual status.

He can't say the fancy clothes Windu is wearing now don't fit the look, especially with his eyes. The blaster and whip he's carrying on his belt somehow complete the image even more.

Sometimes, he feels like a totally different person than he used to be, but maybe that's because Anakin never had to spend much time around him before.

He really wishes Obi-Wan was here instead, – though to be fair, Obi-Wan is coming on the mission. He just came separately, to be backup if they need it. He's dressed up as a guard.

At least this isn't a Zyggerian auction. It's bad enough that he's caught sight of a couple Zyggerians and it makes something twist uneasily and angrily inside him at the mere sight of them. Remembering – everything that happened when he was trapped on Zyggeria. He'd thought he was out of slavery forever until the time he was trapped there.

Now he wonders why he ever thought that at all.

Anakin's trying to stay focused on the mission just like he did back then, but when he's passing the area where a bunch of the slaves for the auction are being kept, he pauses to look.

Anakin doesn't see any Jedi he recognizes, but still, until his eyes fall on...

A clone.

But it's not just any of the clones.

It's –

Anakin's blood runs cold.

The tattoo marks on his face are too familiar.

It's... Kix?

He feels frozen, breath turning icy in his lungs. How in the stars did Kix end up as a slave at a slave auction?

He didn't even know what happened to Kix. He'd just disappeared without a trace, not long after Fives' death. He was assumed missing in action but he was... captured? How did that happen?

He's one of Anakin's boys. One of the last of his boys who is even still alive. And he's a friend, even if they were never close.

Forget not intervening. He's not leaving Kix here alone. Most of the slaves are in the shadows here and none of the guard are watching... right now.

It's a risk, but he thinks it's one worth taking. Glancing both ways to make sure no one is looking at him, Anakin darts between the other slaves, circling around to crouch on the ground next to Kix. If anyone glances this way, they'll just assume he's another one of the slaves because of how shabbily he's dressed. But he'll have to be fast because he's not in binders like the rest of them and that will raise eyes instantly.

The clone looks up sharply when he sees, recognition instantly dawning in his eyes. "General?" he breathes, faintly. He looks a lot thinner than he ought to but he's here and he's alive and Anakin can't begin to say how happy he is. "I can't believe you're here."

"I can't either," Anakin admits, reaching out to grip his arm in the clone's handshake. "We thought you were... lost. No one knew what happened to you."

Kix nods. A fleeting smile crosses his face, but he looks so worn and exhausted. "I – I was captured by the Separatists," he explains, "They took me. They wanted to know what I was investigating about – about what Fives was saying." His expression falters. "I had to know if there was something to it."

Anakin feels an even deeper chill settling inside of him, at the words.

Seeing how the clones just turned on the Jedi without a second thought, living in the reality that Fives was talking about – He has to wonder suddenly if there was more to what he was saying than Anakin thought at the time. He'd just wanted to believe that there was something to why Fives was acting out of his mind, why he'd tried to kill the Chancellor because if he'd somehow done it of his own free will, that would mean he'd be executed and he couldn't let that happen. He couldn't. He'd been so terrified that he and Rex were about to lose Fives forever, he hadn't thought clearly about the conspiracy or the rest of it. Wishes he had now. Maybe it... could have stopped something. Maybe.

Fives died for nothing. Fives who knew this was going to happen and if he'd listened to him, maybe it wouldn't have. Maybe.

Of course he just had to fail Fives too.

"I did not know you kept investigating it," Anakin replies.

"I didn't want to report it until I knew if there was anything to it and I'm certain there was. I looked into the chips. I – I had my own taken out and I studied the programming. There are orders there but I never got through the programming when the Separatists took me."

"How'd you end up here if they got you?" Anakin asks, lightly squeezing his arm.

"They put me in carbon freeze. They said they were going to take me to someone who would make me talk." Anakin's grip on his arm tightens, offering whatever comfort he can. He feels numb with horror. How did this happen without him even realizing it? What in the Force is wrong with him?

"I was found by pirates and I... ended up here," Kix finishes.

And all this time he was clueless. "I'm so sorry, Kix. I had no idea what happened."

"It wasn't your fault, General. Fives' claims were outlandish even to me and you didn't have a way of knowing what happened to me. I... didn't figure anything out fast enough and now it's too late."

Yes, it is.

But the chips...

Anakin doesn't think it truly started sinking in until right now that this probably means that every single clone was mind-controlled by Sidious. He – he was the one behind why they were created, wasn't he? He knew Palpatine wasn't who he thought he was, but he doesn't know how to face this. It's even worse as it's sinking it the true extents of what Palpatine's done. He – he's worse than Windu and that's saying something.

"I'm going to get you out of here," Anakin promises, even if he has no idea how he's going to do that. The mere thought of asking Windu is enough to make him feel sick to his stomach. But he'll have to figure something out somehow. "I will find a way."

"Why are you here?" Kix queries, frowning.

"I – I was here for a Jedi," Anakin replies, " I – "

Danger tingles in the Force.

"I need to go."

He pushes himself up, sprinting away from the group of slaves, trying to disappear into the shadows but maybe it's out half out of it he's been feeling this entire time since he came back to life in the first place, but he's not able to move quite fast enough.

"Hey," a voice barks.

He glances back, to see a couple of guards moving toward him.

"Looks like a runaway slave," one of the guards observes, eyes narrowed.

"He's mine," Windu's voice interrupts, and Anakin looks up to see him striding closer. The genuine last person he wants to face right now, even if he technically wasn't even doing anything except... Well, he was distracted and there's no way Windu doesn't know that. This – this was not supposed to happen. "I told him not to wander off," Windu says, grabbing him by the arm and shoving him forward, down the alleyway away from them.

The guards are looking at them all suspiciously.

"I warned you about getting distracted," Windu says lowly, "You've escaped consequences for long enough."

Anakin swallows hard, fear coiling in his gut. He doesn't know what that means. Doesn't want to know.

Windu's hand falls to the whip on his belt, pulling it off.

It takes him only half a second to realize what he means, what he's –

"Master – " Anakin starts, desperate panic rising up in his throat. Doesn't know what he's about to say. Just something to – to –

Force.

He can't mean he's going to –

"Turn around," he snaps.

He feels too frozen to move, too frozen to breathe. "I – "'

The other guards are staying at them. He feels like he's back to a worse place than he ever was on Tatooine.

Windu's glare is hard enough that he knows he isn't going to back down. He actually means it, that he's going to do this. He won't back down any more now than he about anything, definitely not when they have an audience and that would look strange.

Anakin turns, shakily.

He can't breathe. Can't believe this is happening.

Doesn't look at any of the people watching them. Just keeps his eyes fixed on the ground, feeling frozen.

He feels a flicker of warning in the Force and hears the sound of the whip hiss through the air. It cuts deeply into his back, a sharp burning stinging pain instantly following. He sucks in a sharp breath, trying to keep from screaming.

It hits him again, the sharp stinging pain of it enough to bring tears to his eyes even if he stubbornly holds them back.

He wishes he could just – die.

That's all he wants.

Why won't the Force let him go? It's not as if him even being alive is helping anyone. It –

He hears Windu preparing to hit him again when an unseen force flings him into the wall of a nearby building.

"What do you think you're doing?" Obi-Wan snarls, stalking toward him, his eyes blazing. Anakin's never seen him quite this furious before.

"Continuing the mission," Windu snaps back, "Which you have just ruined."

All the guards are staring at them.

"Jedi," accuses one of the guards and they start shooting. Obi-Wan withdraws his hidden lightsaber in a flash, deflecting the shots away. Windu is quick to join in. Anakin stumbles out of the line of fire, wishing he had his own lightsaber available – but he only ever has a lightsaber when Windu gives one to him.

One of the slavers throws something at them. It hits the ground, pouring greenish gray gas into the air around them. Anakin sucks in a sharp breath, holding his breath to keep from breathing it in. Obi-Wan appears at his side a second later, hand catching his arm, pulling him away from the spreading gas.

"Let's go," he says.

"But – "

"Windu can handle himself," Obi-Wan says with no minimal level of icy viciousness in his voice.

Anakin can't say how incredibly relieved he is even if he ought to feel a little bad about it. But he really doesn't.

But it's not just Windu they're leaving behind. Kix is there too, and he has to get to him before they move him.

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