It's a hot and clear skied day in Musutafu and a 14-year-old teenager is riding in a taxi with a white spandex suit on with katanas and desert eagles in his pistol holders. The radio is playing some K-pop band, and the driver really seems to enjoy it as he has one of the girl's dolls over his rearview mirror next to his sunflower air freshener. The boy stretches his shoulders a bit and looks at the brochures the driver has behind his seat the boy picks it up.
'Top 10 haunted places to visit in Musutafu'
He folds it and places it in one of his pouches on his belt of superheroing items. The boy starts rolling the window up and down for a while then puts his hand out the window moving his hand like he was going up and down hills. After growing bored of that he sees a piece of gum on the roof of the taxi and he puts his finger on it stretching it before it peels off onto his finger the boy flicks his hand trying to get it off. He makes a confused face that you can see even with the mask covering his face. He peels it off so it's not in your way.
He peeks his head up to the driver.
"It's getting kind of lonely back here."
He starts climbing up to the front seat.
"Hey! You're not allowed to be up here."
"A little help here…"
The boy grunts.
The driver turned his head and saw the butt of his passenger right in his face as he climbed over.
"I have to keep my hands on the wheel…"
"Excuse me….Wooooo"
The boy sighed after climbing over.
"Ribayashi Ryohei."
The boy held out his hand.
"Nakamura Hiroshi."
The driver shook, ignoring his no hands off the wheel rule.
"Hmmmmm Nice."
The boy pointed at the K-pop doll.
"Smells good huh?"
"Not the sunflower sunshine. The girl."
"Ah! Yes! Aiko."
"Mhm."
The boy was nodding his head.
"She is quite lovely isn't she? She would make a perfect wife but she doesn't know I exist and her heart was stolen by Renjiro Okabe."
"The singer?! The one that got exposed for having three girlfriends at a time?!"
"Yes! He's as sly as he is attractive."
"Nakamura, I'm beginning to think that I'm in this taxi for a reason."
"Yes, sir, you called for it, remember?"
"No, my big round friend. Love. It's a magnificent thing, when you find it the whole world smells like sunflower sunshine. So you gotta hold onto love." The boy made his hand into a fist. "Tight!"
He gives the driver a fist bump.
"Ah!"
"And never let go!"
"Don't make the same mistakes I did got it?"
"You're like 16."
"Old enough to buy a katana. But do you understand?"
"Got it."
"If you don't hold on, the whole world will smell like Hillary Clinton after doing 4 rounds in a sauna."
"What would Mrs. Clinton smell like?"
"Like…Two crackheads fucking in a dumpster full of dead rats."
"Okay enough."
Nakamura made a disgusted face.
"I can go all day, Nakamura, the point is it's terrible!"
"Hmm, it's terrible."
Nakamura agreed
"So why the white spandex suit Mr. Ribayashi?"
"Oh, that's because it's white day and I'm about to give my chocolates to my new crush. I've been waiting to find anything out about him for one year two weeks…" Ribayashi checked his Hello Kitty watch. "...And 41 minutes to make him try to fix me what he did to me."
"And what did he do to you Mr. Ribayashi?"
"This shit."
Ribayashi pulled his mask to his hair revealing his burned and wrinkled face.
"Boo!"
"AHHHH!"
Nakamura screamed.
Ribayashi pulled the mask down over his face
"How did that happen to you?"
"I would tell you but I gotta let them know first."
"Alright…How do you know where to find this person?"
"Well…"
Flashback!
A man in his early twenties walked into a bank.
"GIVE ME EVERYTHING YOU HAVE OR I'LL BLOW THIS PLACE UP WITH MY QUIRK."
The man demonstrated by breaking all the windows using some ability of his quirk.
The teller frantically opened up the safe under the counter while pressing the hold-up alarm.
"HURRY UP BEFORE I BLOW YOUR BODY UP TOO!"
The teller handed over 15,000 dollars, the man ran outside with the money. The first alleyway he ran by someone grabbed him and threw him into a wall of some building.
"Hey there Michael! Did Lester put you up to this? Is Franklin and Trevor still inside?"
The man, still dazed, saw someone in a white spandex suit holding two katanas. He used the sound waves from the city to concuss what he thought was a hero.
"OW!"
The hero screamed as he threw his katana straight into the man's chest.
"MOTHER FUCKER!"
The hero screamed getting animated and moving back and forth.
"DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS HURTS MY EARS! I HAVE SENSITIVE HEARING!"
The suit-wearing person held his head in his arms.
"IT FEELS LIKE THE INCREDIBLE HULK IS SKULLFUCKING ME!"
The man who had the katana in his chest started to wheeze.
The screaming hero finally stopped and walked over.
"What kinda quirk is that? Wait….Kensuke?"
Kensuke looked up at the hero who removed his mask and saw his horrible face.
"It's me Ribayashi!"
"Rib…a..Yash..i?"
"Yeah! You used to sell me gummy Skittles and told me they were drugs! I was about 12 and I thought all the cool kids did drugs."
"Hu…h?"
"Winners Don't Do Drugs."
Ribayashi quoted
"Someone has a hazy memory! Could it be the katana in your chest? Sheesh, that looks like it hurts! But let's get back on track. What do you know about All For One?"
"I..Ain't…saying anything."
"Ok…" Ribayashi grabbed one of the man's fingers. "And this little piggy went to the-" He snapped it.
Kensuke screamed.
It took four fingers before he wanted to talk.
"Someone's a tough little cookie!"
"En..ough…All For one…Needed money…I…Get...Half and a…New…Quirk."
"We all know he's the Oprah of quirks but…" Ribayashi held his other katana to the man's neck. "I need more than that."
"Ok…Ok…12…Black SUV's… Going out...of…Musutafu…Carrying…Drugs to sell…All I…Know."
"Another FUCKING dead end! GODDAMNIT!"
Police sirens filled the air.
RIbayashi sighs.
"I'll need this back…."
He slid the katana out of Kensuke.
"It was nice seeing you again."
Ribyashi blew Kensuke a kiss and then ran off into the alleyway.
Flashback over!
"Well?"
Nakamura asked.
Ribayashi started patting down his outfit and looking in the backseat ignoring Nakamura.
"Oh, shit! I forgot my ammo bag."
"Should we turn back?"
"No, no time."
Ribayashi pulls out both his desert eagles looking at the ammo clip.
"Fuck it, I got this."
"12, 13, 14 plus 14 that's like….28 bullets or bust. We're here!."
Nakamura stopped the car outside a hotel.
"That'll be 28.50."
"I…I never carry a wallet while I'm on the job. Ruins the lines on my suit."
"Oh…"
"But uh… Here's my phone number and I'll pay for it later. And how about a crisp high five?"
Ribayashi held his hand up.
"Okay…"
Nakamura high-fived him.
"Merry Christmas."
Ribayashi hopped out of the car.
"And a convivial Tuesday in April to you too Mr. Ribayashi."
Ribayashi got many looks as he walked in and climbed the stairs to the door that led to the roof. The door had a lock on it.
"Property rights prepare to be broken."
Ribayashi broke the lock and sat on the edge of the roof, his legs dangling off the building and pulled out a speaker.
Ribayashi pulled out a piece of paper and some crayons and drew a chibi All For One and a chibi version of himself cutting off his head.
'Hello, daddy, hello, mom I'm your ch-ch-ch- cherry bomb! Hello world I'm your wild girl!'
"I'm your ch-ch-ch-cherry bomb!"
Ribayashi started singing along.
"Hello, daddy! Hel-Wha…Oh! Hello!"
The reader looks around the roof but nobody is there.
"I know right right? This is probably the first time a fanfiction character has talked to you directly must feel kinda weird huh? But I know what you are thinking who in their right mind would make a story about me? The crazy vigilante killer? I can't tell you but it rhymes with Wevi's Won. Anyway, the author of this story is kinda lazy I wouldn't be surprised if it took another…4 months for a chapter! Yeah that's correct it's been four months since this author posted a chapter to anything not to mention two other stories that were already made that got abandoned for a while but Daddy's back with the milk! Now who's balls did I have to fondle to get my chapter up first that doesn't matter but I'll tell ya…" Ribayashi did an Australian accent. "He's got a nice pair of smooth criminals down under. Enough getting sidetracked! I got places to be a face to fix and oh….bad guys to kill."
The convoy started to roll through with motorcycles protecting them.
"Alright maximum effort."
Ribayashi fell straight down onto an SUV.
"Superhero landi-"
Ribyashi missed the sunroof and fell directly on top of the SUV breaking his legs and other bones around his body.
"Owie…"
"WHAT WAS THAT?"
"WERE BEING ATTACKED!"
"1…2…3…4."
Ribayashi's bones fixed themselves and he was good as new. He broke the sunroof and fell in between two evil-doers in the backseat he elbowed both of them and kicked the passenger seat one in the face. He grabbed one of the backseat ones and slammed his face into the back of the driver's seat.
"Cock shot."
He punched the other one you know where and picked him up throwing him out the back of the track and breaking it open.
"Ha!"
Ribayashi laughed, pointing at the man before getting grabbed by the other one slamming his head into the driver's headrest.
"Rich Nubuck leather."
Ribayashi punched the man in his face and fell into the backseat floor wrapping his legs around him.
"I'm looking for All For One."
He broke the guy's neck and poked his head up to the two in the front punching the driver.
"Have you seen this man?"
Ribayashi said in an old news reporter's voice showing the picture he drew.
The passenger grabbed his head and slammed it into the radio making it change stations.
" . ."
The passenger pulled out his own pistol.
"Yoink."
Ribayashi grabbed the man's arm as he shot the gun and moved it towards the driver shooting him. He screamed in pain. One of the bikes caught up with the SUV. The biker pulled out an Uzi shooting the passenger in the head, Ribayashi jumped to the back of the car avoiding the shots, and kicked the passenger's body out of the car hitting the biker knocking the biker off their bike. The passenger's leg got caught on the seatbelt as the person he threw out the back climbed back into the car after he held on to the rear bumper. Ribayashi jumped to the driver punching him in the leg and put his foot on the gas pedal the car climbed up to 120 MPH, and the driver punched Ribayashi in the face as the car headed towards the Suv in front of him slamming into the back of it sending it spinning off the highway. The man who climbed back into the car was sent flying forward to the dash right beside Ribayashi so Ribayashi grabbed the electrical cigarette light and put it in the guy's mouth and put his hand over the guy's mouth so he couldn't spit it out.
"I don't think I've ever said this but don't swallow."
The other SUV pulled up next to Ribayashi's with two in the backseat holding assault rifles. Using his foot Ribyashi made the car turn to the left as fast as it could but the car started to flip toward a biker in front of them. The biker turned his head but felt Ribayashi grabbed him by his shirt as the car flipped over him. Everything slowed for Ribayashi.
"Shit. I forgot to let my neighbor's dog out. And why haven't any of these people used their quirks? Is it a quirkless convoy? That sounds like a gay porno."
Time sped back up, and the biker Ribayashi grabbed got his head cut off by the SUV debris, the passenger's body went flying, and the SUV flipped for a couple of yards before stopping and the rest of the convoy caught up to it.
A news helicopter circled overhead as hero's got the call to show up to the scene.
"Breaking news a multi car collision turned shots fired on the Musutafu highway this morning. As other villains have kept heroes from the scene. The assailant appears to be armed and wearing-"
"A white suit."
All Might said, listening to what was going on.
All the armed men in the other SUVs were all in front of Ribayashi's flipped-over one holding assault rifles. The backseat window rolled down.
"Hey! Whoo!"
Ribayashi said, peeking his head out, gunfire erupted at him so he quickly ducked back into the car.
"WAIT!"
Ribyashi said, holding his hands up in surrender.
"IT'S CURRENTLY 4 AM FOR THE AUTHOR OF THIS STORY AND HE IS REALLY TIRED SO WE'LL HAVE TO CONTINUE THIS DURING THE NEXT CHAPTER!"
The armed men looked at each other in confusion.
"What do you think will happen?!" Ribayashi said in an announcer voice. "Will Ribayahsi die to these hooligans? Will he survive? What is his quirk? Is it a healing factor? What happened to make him hate All For One? What happened to his face? How does he look so god damn sexy in that suit? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Z!"