Please note, I have lots of love for Sanji but all the best fanfic tropes seem to revolve around him. My hands are tied.

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AITA the asshole for buying my boyfriend Altoids? I totally get it now that it was a stupid thing to do. And it's not like he doesn't try. He brushes his teeth everyday, both sets. He even smokes to help cover up the odor. (I like the fancy black clove ones, reminds me of rum.)

But I've got a sensitive nose & that's on me. And Curlyfangs, you know, is technically undead and there's nothing he can do about it (not that I would ask him to change. I knew who he was when I meant him. Well actually, I didn't know until the third date. He used a glamour and it took me a hot minute - oh, nevermind.)

Point being, Curlyfangs is basically an animated corpse and bad breath comes with the territory. (It's funny, his breath smells a little bit like old garlic. I told him that once but he didn't laugh at all.)

Sometimes in between his feedings, dude, he could knock over a grizzly bear with his breath. And right after he's eaten, it's more "human" but like, it has this aftertaste of pennies. That's definitely better but he's old enough where he doesn't need to eat all the time.

(I don't know how old he is. I asked him once and he told me it was a very rude question to ask a vampire. Seriously? You do not know a sbd until you've smelled a vampire fart. If I've gagged on your farts, there's no reason to be vain.)

Despite the hellacious breath that comes with being the living dead, Curlyfangs is a great boyfriend. I used to eat a lot of raw game and now I get the best meals. I mean, he calls it steak tartare and it has this fancy raw egg shit and wooster sauce on it. It's the bomb and I can drink beer with it. (I tried carrying a six pack with me on a hunt once and it exploded in my face after I finished grabbing up the deer. What a fucking waste.)

Plus, he's actually pretty patient with me. Like, one time I pissed on the Christmas tree. (We don't do trees anymore. Lesson learned, amirite?) Even though Curlyfangs grumbled about it, he still took care of the mess and rewrapped all the presents, even the juicy little newborn. (I'm kidding. Curlyfangs does not eat veal. He's ethical that way.)

And I love the way he smells, like coffin dirt. It reminds me of a den, nice and safe in the ground. It feels like home, you know?

So, I feel terrible about giving him the Altoids. I wasn't trying to be mean. He got really mad and told me "Oh, forgive me and my foul breath! Does it singe thine whiskers? Forsooth, it must! I have seen dogs partake in their own vomit."

And I was like, what the fuck, I'm not insulting your cooking he got super pissed off at me.

Can you be the asshole without meaning to be? AITA?

77Julies • 09/21/2009

YTA. Nobody here wants to participate in your crossover larping roleplay.

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