We Were Who We Should Have Been (MDZS)

by TheCompanyIKeep

Xue Yang has returned, and he's angry. In a series of convoluted events, an unlikely team forms to deal with the unruly demonic cultivator. It's time for Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng to work together again, but can they manage it? Can Lan Xichen move on from past betrayals? And can Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng come to terms with their new self-realizations?

30. Setting Things Not-So-Straight

The entire mood of their party had shifted come morning. The general feeling was one of exhaustion. Not that they'd been particularly well rested up until that point, but it seemed that none of them had slept at all last night. Jin Ling was dragging his feet at the back of the group and occasionally throwing salty looks at his uncle who either never noticed or pretended not to.

"He really didn't tell you anything?" Jingyi asked after stifling a yawn.

"Don't pry," Sizhui chastised him through a yawn of his own.

Though he'd told him off for asking, it wasn't just Jingyi who seemed to be waiting for Jin Ling's answer.

"He told me it was nothing and that if I tell anyone about it, he'll break my legs," Jin Ling said bitterly, eyes narrowing as he watched the long violet ribbon that trailed behind Jiang Cheng.

"What were you going to tell us if he didn't tell you anything in the first place?" Jingyi asked. "It's not as if we aren't aware that something was wrong. We could all hear him yelling at you last night. Hanguang-jun had to practically fight Wei Wuxian to keep him from coming to Zewu-jun's aid."

Everyone had at least poked their heads out into the hall last night. When Jin Ling told them all not to worry, no one had believed him, but Wei Wuxian had been the most argumentative.

The things he'd yelled and the way he'd yelled them though didn't really make Jin Ling think it was Zewu-jun he'd wanted to protect. But the alternative was even more ludicrous.

He shouldn't be in there with him! He doesn't know what to do! He's going to hurt him! Let me handle it!

Jingyi shot an annoyed look at Jiang Cheng's back. Sizhui, however, continued to watch Jin Ling.

"He appears to be all right now," Sizhui said. "I think he'll be okay."

"I know that," Jin Ling snapped at him.

Sizhui nodded at him and faced ahead.

"Mooooore corpses!" Wei Wuxian called back to the group in a flat tone.

The last batch of undead had crossed their path not half an incense time ago. No one was thrilled to have to battle again when they were all practically dead on their feet.

Nie Huaisang moved to the center of their group. Yu Qingqi tried to push Luo Qingyang that way as well, but she resisted and said something to her that Jin Ling couldn't hear.

"For fuck's sake, Wei Wuxian!" Jiang Cheng grumbled. "Would you just use the damn flute already?"

"Oh now look who doesn't mind demonic cultivation again!"

"Shut the fuck up and do it. We're all tired."

"I'll do it if I have to," Wei Wuxian replied as Jin Ling caught sight of the first few corpses. "Right now, I'm practicing."

The stench of rotting flesh and the rasping growls of the dead filled the air. There were more of them this time.

Jiang Cheng brandished Zidian like he was going to strike Wei Wuxian with it. But then he simply turned to meet the oncoming horde.

Hanguang-jun struck first with a resounding guqin chord that shook the earth and threw nearly half of the approaching enemies backward.

After that, it was chaos.

Gnashing teeth and clawing fingers came from every direction. Although Suihua was back to its normal ability level, Jin Ling fought with more trepidation than usual. The bite wounds on his shoulders and forearms had not fully healed from the night he'd seen Jin Guangyao. Not to mention that his head still hurt off and on.

Jin Ling and Sizhui fought in rhythm with one another, each covering the weak points of the other. They were doing quite well like that for some time until Jin Ling started getting into his own head too much.

Those corpses that Lan Wangji had blasted back rejoined the fray just in time for the two of them to start tripping over each other's feet.

"Watch it," Luo Qingyang snapped when he stumbled into her.

"Watch yourself," he retorted through gritted teeth.

He gave up trying to work with Sizhui and just focused on keeping clear the space around him so that he didn't become overwhelmed like he had that night in the field.

"Help me!" he heard Nie Huaisang cry.

At that particular moment, Jin Ling was busy holding off two corpses that had decided to lunge forward at him at the same time. He could do nothing for him, though he was puzzled as to why he would need help anyway. He should have been quite safe at the center of their party.

A flash of blue and white withdrew from the fight. Presumably, Jingyi was going to Nie Huaisang's aid.

Jin Ling caught one corpse with the edge of his blade and held it at bay while he reeled back and punched the other one as hard as he could. The hit sent it stumbling backward, but there was nowhere for it to go. Jin Ling had bought himself no extra space with that move. But he had bought himself enough time to behead the first corpse before greeting the second one with a deep slash across the middle.

More closed in around him. Five tried to rush toward him at once. Luckily, two of them stumbled over each other and were unable to reach him after the other three had closed in.

"Ah!" came a scream from somewhere behind him.

"Jingyi!" both Sizhui and Jin Ling shouted together.

Before he could do anything, a vice-like grip seized Jin Ling's upper arm. Sharp fingernails began to tear through his uniform and into his flesh. He wasn't going anywhere until he dealt with the enemies around him.

Sizhui, however, was able to pull back. He abandoned the ground he'd won, and went to help Jingyi instead while Jin Ling continued to struggle where he was.

He didn't get far either, though. Corpses scratched at Sizhui's back and pulled him toward them by his robes.

Sizhui yelled for Jingyi one more time, but he was forced to turn around and defend himself.

By the time Jin Ling had cut down enough of the corpses near him to be able to turn around, someone else had gone to help Jingyi, though not someone that he would have expected.

Jingyi was pinned to the ground by a hulking corpse with arms as thick as tree trunks. Its massive hands were wrapped around his throat, slowly squeezing the life from him as he frantically kicked and scrabbled at its forearms.

Nie Huaisang did little to help. He batted half-heartedly at the corpse with his closed fan at arm's length. But any time the corpse even looked like it might consider turning on him instead, the clan leader would immediately scurry backward, leaving Jingyi to defend himself.

As it leaned forward to bite him, a blinding streak of violet shot forward. Zidian wrapped itself around the corpse's middle, and when Jiang Cheng yanked back, it cut cleanly through flesh and bone to return to him.

Jingyi didn't sit up right away. He spluttered and coughed as he rolled over onto his stomach. He hacked as though he was going to be sick.

Nie Huaisang gingerly patted his back.

"Jiujiu, look out!" Jin Ling yelled.

While Jiang Cheng had been busy helping Jingyi, another corpse had taken its chance to close in on him. It seized one of his arms before he could react and bit down.

In one swift flash of violet, that corpse had been felled too.

"Pay attention, A-Ling!"

Zidian shot past Jin Ling's face, so close to hitting him that he could hear the hum of electricity in his ear. He spun in time to see the corpse behind him topple over.

"What made you think this was over?!" roared Jiang Cheng.

"Nothing!" Jin Ling snapped back. "No need to yell at me!"

"Maybe you should take more care in what you're doing instead of worrying about what I'm doing!"

Jin Ling turned back to the matter at hand and raised Suihua to fend off the remaining corpses around him.

Honestly, there weren't many. He may have put his back to them too early, but not by as obvious a margin as his uncle made it seem.

Before long, Wen Ning struck down the final corpse and they were all able to relax.

Wei Wuxian leaned against Lan Wangji, who looked very worried about him. Exhausted as he probably was, it didn't stop Wei Wuxian from watching Jin Ling and the Lan juniors closely as Sizhui plucked rotten flesh from Jingyi's hair and Jingyi demanded that Jin Ling hold still while he checked that the scratches on his arm weren't too deep.

Jin Ling, noticing Wei Wuxian's attention, refused to do as Jingyi asked.

"Leave me alone," he said, dancing away from him for the second time. "I know how to take care of myself."

"If you knew how to do that, you wouldn't have so many injuries already," Jingyi retorted.

Wei Wuxian laughed and piped up, "Why won't you let your friend take care of you, Jin Ling?"

Suddenly, there were many pairs of eyes upon them. Most notable was Jiang Cheng, who watched Jin Ling with just a little too much suspicion, or at least, that's what Jin Ling thought it was.

"Why don't you mind your own business?" said Jin Ling and Jingyi in unison.

They shared a glance, and then Jingyi finally left him alone. Almost everyone went back to what they had been doing… almost.

Wei Wuxian, Jiang Cheng, and Luo Qingyang still looked in their direction every so often. It made the hairs on Jin Ling's arms stand on end to think that his uncle had so much as an inkling of what was going on.

He drifted over to Yu Qingqi in an effort to put as much space between himself and the Lan juniors as possible. She gave him a quizzical look, but when he didn't explain, she went back to cleaning her sword.

"We should keep moving," Wei Wuxian said. "We don't know how far we have to go before we reach the next shelter."

There was a murmur of agreement from the group. Those who had been cleaning their weapons, sheathed them. And those who had taken a moment to sit down, stood.

Jin Ling was struggling with a half broken strap on his bag when he saw Sizhui heading his way, presumably to help.

After the suspicious looks that Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng had been giving him lately, Jin Ling covertly stepped away from Sizhui, pretending like he hadn't noticed he was approaching, and sought Yu Qingqi to help him with the strap instead.

This time, only Luo Qingyang's eyes were upon him.

"We have a dilemma!" Wei Wuxian called, mercifully distracting her from coming to speak to him.

He and Lan Wangji had continued down the dirt road without the rest of their travelling companions. Wei Wuxian pointed at an old wooden sign that was mostly covered by vines.

"The path splits," he said. "If I recall correctly – and mind you, I haven't visited this region in a long time – I think the left path is most direct, but the right one might take us through terrain that would make it more difficult for corpses to move. I think either way will get us to Nightless City, right Lan Zhan?"

Lan Wangji bowed his head and gave his typical 'mn' for confirmation.

"We don't have to decide between one or the other," Nie Huaisang said timidly.

"Ah! Excellent point!" Wei Wuxian said with a snap of his fingers. "We can scout ahead and use the storm gates to take whichever path is safest without wasting any time. I knew that keeping you around would have its benefits!"

Nie Huaisang blushed and hid his face behind his floral fan.

"How would we know which path to take?" Lan Xichen asked. "Would we use signal flares?"

"Also a good idea!" Wei Wuxian said. "If one scout comes across danger, they could send up a flare and then use a gate to move to the other, safer path."

"So are we dividing into two groups?" Yu Qingqi asked.

Jin Ling picked at his sleeve as he watched Luo Qingyang meandering in their direction.

"Not necessarily," Luo Qingyang said. "It makes more sense to send a few of us to scout ahead and save energy for the rest of us."

The others seemed skeptical.

"Who would we send ahead and who would stay behind?" Wei Wuxian asked.

"I can scout ahe-" Yu Qingqi began to offer before her wife cut her off.

"I thought it would be most prudent to send our strongest ahead," she said with a pointed glance in Jiang Cheng's direction, as if to add 'so not you'. "That way those of us with less experience can take a moment to rest and be more helpful for the next fight."

"Fair enough," said Wei Wuxian, smirking. "But perhaps you should have worded it differently. What's to stop us from wasting time bickering over who's the strongest?"

Jin Ling had to agree. His uncle was practically fuming on the other side of their group, and Jin Ling himself wasn't pleased to think that he might be considered one of their weaker companions even though he knew his cultivation level wasn't anywhere near that of Hanguang-jun's.

"Logic," Luo Qingyang said simply. "The easiest way to make sure every group can link to each other would be to include a Lan in each one. So Hanguang-jun and Zewu-jun should make up the two scouting teams, if they are willing. And Lan Sizhui and Lan Jingyi will rest here with all of us."

"You really think each of them should go alone?" Jiang Cheng asked testily.

There was a sort of skeptical suspicion in the look she directed at him. Jin Ling didn't know why she'd reacted that way to Jiang Cheng, but he decided not to worry over it.

"It's probably most ideal to rest the greatest number of people that we can," she said with one finger on her chin as if she were thinking hard.

But Jin Ling had never seen her concentrate like that. Usually she just screwed up her face like she'd eaten Wei Wuxian's terrible spicy cooking and would eventually spit out an answer.

"Then again," she went on, "it's dangerous to go alone. Maybe it would be better to have pairs for each team."

"Great!" Wei Wuxian said. "I'll go with Lan Zhan, and Mianmian – sorry – Advisor Luo can accompany Zewu-jun."

"Excuse me?" Jiang Cheng cut in. "Are you suggesting that Luo Qingyang is more powerful than I am?"

Wei Wuxian bit his bottom lip and shifted his weight.

"No, I just-" when he cut off, his eyes darted toward Zewu-jun and narrowed.

"It would be good to leave behind someone strong enough to look after the others," Wei Wuxian said. "That's all."

"Great," Jiang Cheng said. "Why don't you stay behind? And Wen Ning will be here, so what's the worry?"

Wei Wuxian looked like he would very much like to hit him.

"You don't understand," Wei Wuxian said. "I'm trying to-"

"I'll stay here and Sect Leader Jiang can go," Luo Qingyang cut in. "Loath as I am to admit it, I believe he's the stronger cultivator between the two of us. He's more useful with Zewu-jun than I would be."

Jiang Cheng lifted his chin a little higher. Jin Ling tried hard not to roll his eyes.

But he was also confused. Jin Ling had expected Luo Qingyang to agree with Wei Wuxian that she was the stronger between herself and Jiang Cheng, but she'd done exactly the opposite.

Why had she given Jiang Cheng that look earlier that made it seem like she didn't think he deserved to be counted among the strongest? Had Jin Ling misread that?

"Ready when you are," Jiang Cheng said, drifting over to stand beside Lan Xichen.

His malicious smirk looked out of place next to Lan Xichen's tranquil smile. They were the most unlikely of friends, and yet, Jin Ling couldn't deny that the former Lan Clan leader was the only other person besides himself who could stand to hold a conversation with Jiang Cheng.

"I still think Advisor Luo should-"

"Like I said," Jiang Cheng cut Wei Wuxian off, "you are more than welcome to trade places with Advisor Luo. The Lans are required for this. You are not. But if you don't wish to trade, shut up and do your job."

Wei Wuxian opened and closed his mouth several times, looking more offended than Jin Ling would have expected. After the third time, he closed his mouth and frowned before shooting a withering look in Lan Xichen's direction and turning on his heel to stalk down the right path.

Jiang Cheng narrowed his eyes at Wei Wuxian's back and mirrored his attitude as he chose the dirt road on the left. The two Lan brothers exchanged almost apologetic looks. They then parted to follow their assigned partners.

Something about the whole interaction made Jin Ling feel weird. He was missing something. He knew he was.

Why was Wei Wuxian angry with Lan Xichen, their most benevolent travel companion? Why did Wei Wuxian seem so much less afraid of Jiang Cheng than he normally was? Why was Jiang Cheng spending more and more time with Lan Xichen when he seemed to dislike the Lans in general?

Jin Ling didn't know the answers to any of those questions, and he couldn't investigate them. He had to contend with whatever Luo Qingyang had up her sleeve. He couldn't waste time on anyone else's problems.

As if to remind him of her presence, Luo Qingyang burst into a fit of giggles once their four scouts had gone.

"What's so funny?" Nie Huaisang asked her.

"Yes, do tell," Jin Ling said hotly, folding his arms.

"Oh nothing," she said, wiping a tear from the corner of her eye. "Your uncle should really work on being less predictable, though. He's so easy to get rid of when you want to."

Jin Ling scowled at her, but Luo Qingyang picked her way across the corpse-littered dirt toward him anyway. She stopped only once she'd come uncomfortably close.

"What?" he demanded.

She leaned over and cupped her hands around her mouth.

"Gather your boys," she whispered in his ear, her tone vaguely threatening. "We're going to have a talk."

"I don't have any-!"

"You know precisely which boys," she hissed. "Bring them to me. You have until this-" she pulled a thin stick of incense from her bag- "has finished burning before I come to collect each of you myself. And believe me when I say that you don't want me to do that."

She proceeded to light the stick with a snap of her fingers.

"What is this about?" Jin Ling asked her quietly, aware of both Yu Qingqi's and Nie Huaisang's staring.

"Do as I say and you'll know soon enough."

She turned and walked briskly away, gesturing to a confused Yu Qingqi that she would be back soon before disappearing beneath a pair of low hanging branches.

Jin Ling's heart leapt to his throat.

This was going to be bad. He had the overwhelming urge to run for it. He already had his bag on his back. All he had to do was turn around and sprint. He was faster than the rest of them. Plus, Suihua was cured now. He could fly if he needed to.

But this place was crawling with corpses and resentful energy. He'd never make it on his own.

So, Jin Ling squared his shoulders and looked around for Sizhui.

It took longer than expected to find him. Yu Qingqi and Nie Huaisang were whispering to one another and Jingyi was idling nearby, clearly trying to eavesdrop. But Sizhui wasn't with him.

Jin Ling finally spotted him standing under the cover of the edge of the forest. When Jin Ling noticed that Wen Ning was there too, speaking with Sizhui, he became curious.

Sizhui was stiff as a board, his arms plastered to his sides like he was making a conscious effort to keep them there. Whatever they were talking about, it seemed serious. Which meant that Jin Ling couldn't interrupt them.

He would have to collect Jingyi first.

Damn.

It had been his plan to grab Sizhui as a buffer between himself and Jingyi. He had been doing that a lot lately, even though there was an awkwardness in being around Sizhui too. It was worse with Jingyi… for obvious reasons.

Jin Ling dragged his feet, pondering yet again the option to run away.

Jingyi looked up at him as he approached and Jin Ling noticed his gaze slide from right to left as if looking for something before he frowned.

When Jin Ling stopped in front of him, Jingyi took a hesitant step backward.

"Where is Sizhui?" Jingyi asked while pretending to be very interested in the twisted ankle of a nearby corpse.

"He's talking to the Ghost General," Jin Ling replied, also finding it difficult to look at him. "Luo Qingyang told me to collect both of you. She wants to speak with us."

"Why?"

"I don't know," Jin Ling lied. "Would you just come with me?"

"I guess so," Jingyi mumbled.

But he stayed exactly where he was. Jin Ling wasn't sure he was going to follow him until he turned to head back toward Sizhui and heard his steps behind him.

Nie Huaisang and Yu Qingqi paid them little attention. They were engrossed in a conversation about painting.

It irked Jin Ling that Yu Qingqi had developed a liking for the Nie Clan leader who had been nothing but a nuisance during their trip. If only Wei Wuxian would stop making excuses for him and let the Headshaker leave like he so obviously wanted to.

But he wouldn't. So he stayed. And he talked to Yu Qingqi, laughing with her and giving her exaggerated examples of his failed artistic ventures, complete with wild hand gestures, as if the two of them had been friends since childhood.

Sizhui was alone as Jin Ling and Jingyi approached him. He stared off into the distance just like he'd done in Lanling after the battle was over. Though this time, there was an even deeper melancholy that clung to him. He seemed to be holding his breath, as if afraid that letting it out would serve as permission for his grief to take him.

"What did the Ghost General say to you?" Jingyi asked, voicing the question that Jin Ling had been too afraid to utter.

Sizhui didn't answer at first. He kept holding that breath for a while longer.

Finally, he exhaled.

"He's leaving," he said. "After this, he's leaving."

"Leaving?" Jingyi said.

Jin Ling elbowed him hard in the ribs.

"Ow! Wha-?! Oh… leaving. Oh."

Sizhui sucked in a shaky breath. "It's funny," he said. "I don't know him. Maybe I did, but I don't remember him, not any more than bits and pieces…

"It still feels like I'm losing something. We were only distantly related, but he told me the stories our family told. He…"

Sizhui trailed off for a moment and then laughed sadly.

"He was my last chance to learn," he said. "Now there's no one left to teach me about them. I'll never know them. They protected me, even beyond this life, they protected me, and I will never know them."

Jin Ling stared at his boots, speckled with the black blood of corpses and covered in a fine layer of dirt. He didn't have the words to reassure him. So he didn't say anything for a little while.

But then, he squared his shoulders. "Ask him to stay," Jin Ling said, earning him a shocked look from Jingyi. "You could ask him to stay."

When Sizhui finally looked at him, it was with an almost pitying expression. "I couldn't," he said softly. "I really couldn't."

Jin Ling balled his fists. "Yes you can," he insisted.

"Ning-shushu died years ago," Sizhui said, shaking his head. "If he wants to move on and be at peace, I shouldn't be the one to stop him."

"Yes, you should!"

Jingyi glanced back at Nie Huaisang and Yu Qingqi, as if worried they might have heard Jin Ling's yell from the other side of the field. But they hadn't. Jin Ling could see them out of the corner of his eye, still chattering away, unperturbed.

"You should be the reason he stays!" Jin Ling went on. "He's your family, the only family you've got left! Staying with you should come first, even if that means he needs to make a few sacrifices! Death can wait for him like it waits for the rest of us. Tell him to stay."

Sizhui crinkled his brow and took a half step away from him. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jingyi beat him to it.

"What the hell has gotten into you, Jin Ling?!" he asked. "If the Ghost General wants to be at peace, I think he's more than earned that. Sizhui respects his wishes, so why can't you?"

The indignation that had swelled in Jin Ling's chest died instantly.

"I – I don't-"

He didn't really know what to say. He wanted to argue. But he knew that he couldn't.

"He's not my family," Jin Ling said at last. "It's none of my business."

"Damn right it isn't," Jingyi snapped.

"It's fine," Sizhui said, giving Jingyi a brief scolding look. "Jin Ling only wanted to help."

Jingyi regarded them both with an odd mixture of annoyance and concern.

But the seriousness of Sizhui's predicament weighed on all of them. The whisper of a zephyr through the leaves was the only disturbance in the air between them, until Jingyi spoke again.

"Teach us," he said resolutely.

Sizhui frowned at him. "What?"

"You could teach us what the Ghost General has already taught you," Jingyi said. "You don't have to carry or remember it all on your own. We could remember it with you."

Jin Ling raised his eyebrows. Sizhui looked like he may cry.

He supposed that Luo Qingyang was right about one thing. Jingyi certainly was a romantic, or at least had a knack for touching candidness.

"You would want to learn?" Sizhui said as if he dared not believe it.

"Of course we want to learn!" Jingyi replied.

Despite the conviction in his voice, Sizhui didn't seem wholly convinced. His gaze slid over to Jin Ling and then back again.

"I would love to teach you-" Sizhui said, "-both of you. If Jin Ling is interested too…?"

"I am," Jin Ling said without hesitation.

Rather than making Sizhui happy, however, he seemed puzzled.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "You would want to learn about the clan that nearly destroyed the Jiangs?"

He understood Sizhui's reservations then. Jin Ling considered what he'd said for a moment or so before deciding to stick with his original answer.

"I'm sure," he said. "You learn every day about the four that destroyed yours."

"They were defending themselves," Sizhui said immediately.

"But they were going to kill you," Jingyi cut in. "You'd seen only three summers! Jin Ling's not the smartest-"

"Hey!" Jin Ling shouted.

Jingyi ignored him. "-but even he knows that slaughtering a camp of elders and children is wrong!"

"Mind what you say, Jingyi," Sizhui gently chided, casting another brief glance in Jin Ling's direction.

A horrible feeling came over him. Yes, Jin Ling recognized that what Jingyi had said was unequivocally true. It was wrong to kill those who had done no harm and had no ability to fight back.

But he also recognized that they were talking about the actions of the people who had cared for them and raised them to be the people they were.

Namely, Jin Guangyao and Jiang Cheng came to mind for Jin Ling.

It felt almost as terrible to decry the siege outright as wrong and thereby question the character and motives of his family as it did to stand by what they'd done and claim that Sizhui had deserved to die with the rest of his clan.

So he didn't speak on it.

"Like I already told you," Jin Ling said, "I want to learn it if you're willing to teach me."

He wasn't prepared for Sizhui to look at him with the sheer amount of gratitude that he did. Jin Ling looked away.

"It means a lot to hear you say that, Jin Ling," said Sizhui. "Thank you."

"Don't thank me," Jin Ling grumbled at his feet.

He then couldn't figure out how to bring up the fact that Luo Qingyang wanted to speak with them after they'd already had such a serious conversation.

Jin Ling took a deep breath in preparation to speak, but Sizhui saved him from having to start.

"You two came over here acting like you needed something," Sizhui said, tilting his head to one side. "What is it?"

"Advisor Luo needs us," Jingyi piped up.

"Urgently?"

"If by 'urgently' you mean 'she'll make a big scene if we don't meet her soon', then yes," Jin Ling answered grumpily. "Urgently."

"Very well," Sizhui said with the shadow of a smile. "Let's go."

Just like that, the stifling sorrow that had built between them all was pushed away.

They stepped fully into the shade of the forest and picked their way across the mess of exposed tree roots and tangled underbrush. They were careful not to make much noise lest they attract another group of fierce corpses.

Jin Ling led the Lans to where he thought he remembered Luo Qingyang to be, stopping when he noticed a talisman stuck to a wide tree trunk.

"There's another over here," Sizhui announced quietly.

Jin Ling looked where he was pointing, and sure enough, there was another identical talisman only a few meters away.

"They seem to be marking out an illusory array," Sizhui said as he inspected the paper.

"You are correct," said a familiar voice from somewhere in front of them. "Well done, quiet boy."

All three of them jumped, but only Sizhui drew his sword, which Jin Ling found odd since, if he was going to be honest with himself, Sizhui was the least likely to startle out of any of them.

"Put that away, quiet boy," said Luo Qingyang as she stepped out from behind the trees. "There'll be time enough for fighting later."

Sizhui did as she'd requested and apologized.

"No need to be sorry," Luo Qingyang told him. "We're in dangerous lands now. It's better to be on your guard than not."

Jin Ling and Jingyi exchanged sheepish looks with one another, both feeling as though they should have drawn their weapons as well.

"Let's not waste time," Luo Qingyang said briskly. She motioned for them to follow her and they obliged, if a bit reluctantly.

"What is this about?" Jin Ling asked apprehensively as she led them to the center of her talisman circle.

Luo Qingyang threw him a stern look over her shoulder. For as much as she disliked Jiang Cheng, she certainly had a tendency to act like him sometimes.

"I think you know what this is about," she replied. "Actually, I think all of you might have an idea."

Jin Ling gulped.

Luo Qingyang halted and spun to face them. Jin Ling, Sizhui, and Jingyi all balked at her abrupt stop.

"The friendship between the three of you has been unsteady for many days now," Luo Qingyang said. "I've given you time to figure things out on your own, but we simply don't have that luxury anymore."

"Luo-" Jin Ling started to say, but when she held up her hand, he swallowed his complaint.

"If the three of you want to stay and help deal with Xue Yang in Nightless City, that's fine," she went on. "I would prefer that Jin Ling return home to heal that nasty head injury of his, but I don't give him orders."

Jin Ling crossed his arms defiantly. He dared not say anything, though, since he knew she wasn't done talking.

"And with that in mind," Luo Qingyang said, "I'm going to order all of you to do something anyway. You're going to sit here and talk until the three of you can come to an agreement about everything that's happened and everything that will happen going forward."

"You can't-!"

Luo Qingyang cut Jin Ling off yet again.

"I just did," she said in a low, dangerous voice. "You'll do what I say or I'll make you do it. I'm not going to die in Nightless City because three teenage boys couldn't figure out how to talk to each other. Do you understand?"

"But I-"

Sizhui grasped his arm. Jin Ling turned to look at him, but he just shook his head.

"Yes, Advisor," Sizhui said with a bow. "We will do as you ask."

"What are you-?" Jin Ling started to ask him but was interrupted yet again.

"Good," said Luo Qingyang with a smirk. "A final question before I go: would you prefer I stay or leave you to figure things out on your own?"

All three of them answered instantly. Because they'd all spoken at once, Jin Ling's 'leave us' mixed with Jingyi's 'you can go' and Sizhui's 'I think alone is best, thank you'. The resulting response was something almost unintelligible.

But Luo Qingyang seemed to understand. She inclined her head to the three of them, put her hands together, and whispered something that set the talismans alight with an orange glow.

"No one will find you here for about an incense time," she said as she backed away. "If you haven't solved things by then, I will be doing it for you by finding a way to send all of you home."

She turned on her heel and stepped out of the illusory circle, leaving Jin Ling behind with a bitter taste on his tongue and the sharp sting of betrayal in his heart.

She'd said it was his secret to keep or tell as he pleased. But now she'd put him in the position to do… this?

She wasn't going to die in Nightless City because of them! Things hadn't been that bad between Jin Ling and the others. Why did she have to be so dramatic?

All was not lost though. There was no reason that they had to talk. If they just pretended as if they had, Luo Qingyang would let them go.

They could do better to work together. She would never know.

Before Jin Ling could suggest this, however, Jingyi spoke up.

"She's right," he said, looking directly at Jin Ling. "We should talk."

"No, I – this is ridiculous – she can't – I don't want to," Jin Ling stammered.

He tried to back away, but Jingyi followed.

"It is becoming dangerous," Jingyi insisted. "You won't even look at me without Sizhui around. How are we going to work together in Nightless City if you can't even be near me?"

The mention of Sizhui only made Jin Ling more aware of his silent presence. Heat crept up his neck.

"I don't…" Jin Ling mumbled at the ground. "Can we not talk about this in front of Sizhui?"

Sizhui gave a nervous chuckle. "I could leave," he said, "but I think your advisor might send me right back. Whatever you say in front of me is said in absolute confidence. I swear it."

"But I-"

"Discuss it with me," Jingyi demanded, ignoring Jin Ling's requests to do anything but that. "Trust me, Sizhui isn't going to be surprised. So, let's get this over with."

"What do you mean by-?"

"Don't worry about it and just talk to me."

"I don't like this…"

"Why won't you look at me, even now?" Jingyi asked. "Sizhui is right there."

"Jingyi, I-"

"Would you please just look at me?!" Jingyi cried. "Look at me, Jin Ling!"

He sounded so desperate that Jin Ling had no choice but to do as he'd asked.

He wished he hadn't, though.

It was like twisting a knife between his ribs to see that anguished look on Jingyi's face. Jin Ling wanted nothing more than to turn away from him again, but he didn't dare.

"Does it dirty your eyes to turn them in my direction?" Jingyi asked.

The knife dug deeper.

"No," Jin Ling muttered, wishing he could have gone with one of the two scouting teams instead. He wanted to be anywhere but here. "Don't be stupid…"

"Then why do you avoid me?" Jingyi asked. "Just tell me it was a mistake. Just tell me that you don't care for me in the same way. Just tell me and let this be over with."

Again, Jin Ling was uncomfortably aware of Sizhui's presence.

"It's not – I – I don't want to talk about-"

"I do!" Jingyi yelled at him. " I want to talk about it! Don't forget that I'm part of this too."

"I know that," Jin Ling said meekly.

"I want to know what you want!" Jingyi shouted. "That's it. I've made it as simple for you as I can."

"But it's not that easy," Jin Ling said. "What I want - it's confusing - it's complicated…"

"Then explain it!" Jingyi said. "I've given you space to figure it out. After that afternoon in your room, I tried to give you time. I tried to make things as they were."

Jin Ling bristled. "You didn't give me space!" he shouted. " You kissed me in the woods! Remember?!"

Instantly, Jin Ling regretted what he'd said when he saw Sizhui shift out of the corner of his eye. He buried his face in his hands, refusing to look at either of the Lans. Jingyi could beg all he wanted, but there was no way in hell that Jin Ling was going to face them now.

But Jingyi didn't ask him to look up again.

"I know I did," Jingyi said quietly. "I shouldn't have. I know that."

There was a brief pause between them. Jin Ling refused to fill it. He didn't want to be here. He would have gladly left the Xue Yang mission behind and returned to Jinlintai if only to escape this mortifying conversation.

"But I've played through that moment in my head a million times," Jingyi went on. "You kissed me too. I know you did."

"I didn't…" said Jin Ling from behind his fingers.

"Stop denying it! If you don't want to do it again, just say so, but don't lie to me! Please don't lie to me."

Jin Ling didn't reply. He was too busy cursing Luo Qingyang's name.

So, Jingyi continued speaking, a little gentler this time.

"If you were confused after what happened in Jinlintai, I understand," he said. "I was confused too. I think that's why I did it – kissed you again, I mean."

As much as he hated himself for it and as much as he tried to stop it, Jin Ling's eyes began to sting. The walls he'd built around himself were cracking as Jingyi kept chipping away at them. He just wanted it to stop.

"I'm sorry," Jin Ling whispered.

"I don't want an apology. I want you to talk to me. Are we friends? Are we more than friends? Are we nothing?"

Jin Ling's face twitched behind his fingers. If he spoke the truth, that would make it real.

He didn't want to say it. Goodness, he didn't want to say it!

But he didn't have a choice.

"I… want to be more…" he murmured.

Jin Ling finally dropped his hands to see Jingyi's shock. It made him angry to see him standing there, acting like he hadn't expected him to say exactly that. He'd told him to stop lying to him. Why would he pretend to be surprised when Jin Ling finally gave him the truth?

He continued to ignore Sizhui, who hadn't moved an inch.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?" Jin Ling asked.

He'd meant to yell it at him, to scream it in Jingyi's face, but his words had shattered in his throat and escaped his lips too broken and weak to fight.

"I don't understand," said Jingyi.

Jin Ling threw his hands up in frustration. "How?!" he yelled. "What is there to understand?! I liked it! I liked kissing you! What else do you want me to say?!"

"Then why did you-?"

"Because I can't like it!" Jin Ling screamed. "There are expectations of me! I can't be seen with you!"

"Oh."

Such a simple response. And yet, it took the fire right out of him.

Jin Ling panted as if he'd run to the next town and back. The tightness was returning to his throat.

"At least I finally know," Jingyi said with a shrug, as if he didn't care about the rest of what Jin Ling had said. The slight wrinkle in his brow gave him away, though. "You can use whatever excuse you want to send me away. It's not like I'm going to force you to do anything. But at least I know."

"It's not an excuse," Jin Ling said wearily. "It's the truth. I'm expected to have an heir, maybe two heirs. I have to be an example and provide for the Jin Clan and maybe the Jiang Clan too. I can't just-"

"The Jiang Clan is your uncle's business," Jingyi said tersely. "It's his responsibility."

"He hasn't found anyone to marry. I have to-"

"No, he has to," Jingyi said. "The Jin Clan is yours, yes, but the Jiang Clan is his."

"I belong to the Jiang Clan too," Jin Ling said. "I need to do what I can to protect both. Jiujiu has already tried. He was even engaged, but…"

Jingyi laughed harshly. "Yes, and everyone knows that was his own fault," he said. "Maybe he'd have an easier time finding a wife if he wasn't such a-"

"Jingyi!" Sizhui scolded, finally speaking up.

"What?! I stand by it!"

"You shouldn't talk that way about a sect leader," Sizhui said firmly. "It's disrespectful."

" He's disrespectful!" Jingyi argued. "That's why he can't find a damned wife!"

"Stop. That's-"

"It doesn't matter," Jin Ling interjected, shaking his head. "I can't."

When Jingyi met his gaze, the rigid frustration in his face softened into resignation.

"All right," Jingyi said quietly. "You can't. Like I said, I won't force you."

"Can we stay friends?"

"Of course, you idiot."

Jin Ling nodded and a bout of silence fell between them all. It was plain enough that Sizhui didn't think poorly of either of them for what they'd confessed. When Jin Ling thought about it, he wasn't sure why he'd been worried. Sizhui was incredibly attached to Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian. It didn't bother him that those two were married. So why would he have cared about what Jin Ling and Jingyi were getting up to?

There was an odd mixture of relief and loss tumbling around behind the cage of Jin Ling's ribs. He didn't know which he felt more strongly.

Jingyi turned to Sizhui with a weak smile and broke the silence, as he was wont to do.

"I can't believe Advisor Luo trapped you in here with us too," he said. "Couldn't she have found some way of pulling you aside without making it suspicious? I'm sorry you had to endure this."

The corners of Sizhui's mouth twitched. "Yes, she probably could have," he answered. "But I suppose it works in my favor since there is something that's been weighing on me as well."

Jin Ling frowned, turning his attention fully toward him. Jingyi laughed lightly.

"If it's regarding any new feelings for the young mistress over there," Jingyi said in a jesting tone, "I've heard she's set her sights higher than either of us. You're bound to be disappointed."

Jin Ling's gut twisted at the implication that Jingyi was somehow not good enough for him.

"That's not what I-" Jin Ling started to say.

Jingyi cut him off. "I know, I know," he said with a sad smile. "Let me make a few jokes, okay? It makes me feel better."

After leading him around by the nose for so long, Jin Ling supposed he owed him that much, even if Jingyi's efforts to heal only made Jin Ling feel worse.

"Okay," Jin Ling said.

The sound of crunching pebbles drew both Jingyi's and Jin Ling's attention back to Sizhui, who was digging around in the dirt with the toe of his boot.

"Uh…" he said, staring down at the patterns he was tracing. "Actually…"

"Wait," Jingyi said, as if he already knew what Sizhui was talking about. "YOU'VE GOT TO BE JOKING! SERIOUSLY?!"

Sizhui turned very red. Jin Ling had no idea what was going on.

"Great!" Jingyi shouted, letting his hands fall to his sides with a loud thwack. "You realize all of this is going to go straight to Jin Ling's head, right? He's got a big enough ego as it is!"

Jin Ling frowned and looked to Sizhui for an explanation, but he wouldn't meet his gaze. His face was only turning redder…

Suddenly, the realization hit him. Jin Ling's eyes grew wide.

"Wait," he said, struggling to accept it. "Are you saying…? Is he saying…?"

Jingyi rounded on him, shaking a finger in his direction. "Don't you say it," he warned. "Don't you dare say it."

Jin Ling clamped his mouth shut, head reeling. So Luo Qingyang had been right?

Oh he couldn't accept that. He simply would not.

"It's more than that…" Sizhui said quietly, "stranger than that…

"Stranger than having feelings for Jin Ling?" Jingyi replied. "How's that possible?"

"Hey! You're one to talk!" Jin Ling yelled, not sure why he was defending himself.

Jingyi jabbed a finger at him again. "This is exactly what I was talking about," he said angrily even as a smile pulled at the corners of his lips. "If I hear you start boasting about this, I'll be sure to put you right back in your place."

Jin Ling rolled his eyes. Jingyi made a face at him, then turned back to Sizhui.

"Please continue," Jingyi said. "What is stranger than Jin Ling? Now I need to know."

Jin Ling scowled at him, but held his tongue as Sizhui began to speak again.

"Do you remember a few years ago?" he asked Jingyi, watching him intently. "Back when we were taking classes together? You convinced me to follow you in the rain?"

Jingyi turned a more brilliant shade of red than Sizhui had. Jin Ling furrowed his brow.

"Uh yes," Jingyi said, clearing his throat. "Why?"

"I wasn't honest with you then."

"What do you mean?" Jingyi asked, sounding almost hopeful.

Sizhui folded his hands in front of himself, as if neatly collecting his thoughts before speaking. But Jin Ling saw how his fingernails bit into the back of his hand.

"I mean…" Sizhui said slowly. "I liked… I meant to do it. It wasn't a mistake."

It was becoming abundantly clear to Jin Ling how awkward Sizhui must have felt moments ago to be privy to the confession he'd shared with Jingyi. Jin Ling could hardly stand to be near them.

Jingyi, however, had gone very still. He seemed wary.

"You told me it was nothing," he said. "Just 'a thought that crossed your mind', I think you said."

"I know what I said," Sizhui murmured. "I'm sorry that I lied to you. But since you two already said everything in front of me, I only thought it would be fair that I be honest with you both as well. I know neither of you feel the same, but Advisor Luo wanted us to-"

"I lied too, you idiot," Jingyi said defeatedly.

He hadn't been loud when he'd said it, and yet, Jingyi's statement rang through the air with as much clarity as the alarm bells of the Cloud Recesses.

"What?" Sizhui said blankly.

Jingyi sighed and rolled his eyes. "After you'd already told me it was a mistake and you hadn't meant to do it, what else was I going to say?!" he said. "Of course I was going to deny everything too! Just like I did with Jin Ling."

Sizhui looked at Jingyi in bewilderment. They both seemed to have been shocked into silence.

Jin Ling, feeling very uncomfortable and wanting to diffuse the weird atmosphere spoke up then. "Do you just kiss anyone who spends time with you, Jingyi?"

The effect was immediate.

Jingyi stiffened and his face contorted with indignation. He didn't turn as red as he had before, but his cheeks were very pink.

Meanwhile, Sizhui dissolved into laughter. He must have been grateful for the disruption. Usually, Sizhui would have told him off for teasing Jingyi in such a way.

"Mind yourself, Jin Ling!" Jingyi said hotly. "Besides, for your information, he kissed me."

"Really?" Jin Ling replied, even though Sizhui's chagrined expression had already answered him.

He could barely wrap his head around it. The ever proper and poised Sizhui had kissed Jingyi? It didn't make any sense. To what lengths had Jingyi had to go in order to get him to do that?

Jin Ling imagined something similar to the drunken dare.

Heat crept up Jin Ling's face and he picked at his sleeve. He was thankful that he hadn't ever been invited along on any such adventures when he'd first started working with them.

Another realization dawned on him then and the heat that had already engulfed his skin burned with an unbearable intensity.

"Um, wait a moment…" he said slowly to Sizhui. "A few years ago would have meant that you didn't know about your involvement in the First Siege. For all you knew, you were both Lans. Why would you have…?"

Jin Ling trailed off, not wanting to say aloud in definitive terms what he'd meant.

It didn't matter. Both Sizhui and Jingyi were aghast.

"Oh!" Sizhui exclaimed. "No! It's not-!"

"Are you kidding me?!" Jingyi shouted. "Why would you-?! That's-!"

"It wasn't-!" Sizhui tried again, but still couldn't seem to find the words.

Jingyi was the first to recover. "For goodness' sake, Jin Ling!" he cried. "I'm not an actual Lan either, you idiot! I thought we'd told you that before!"

"I'm not an idiot!" Jin Ling insisted. "You never told me that!"

Jingyi slapped his palm to his forehead. "Look, Jin Ling," he said, "I'll explain it to you later, all right? The point is, we've always known that we weren't family and it's not like we were really raised together in that way anyhow."

"Why did you never tell me?" Jin Ling asked.

"You never asked," Jingyi said with a shrug. "Plus, it's kind of a boring story."

"How could I have asked if I had no reason to assume you weren't who you claimed to be?!"

"I figured it was obvious that I'm not a Lan!" Jingyi said. "I don't know how you missed that!"

"But I – how could – I don't know how – why would-?"

Jingyi just shook his head as Jin Ling failed to string together any coherent thought.

Eventually, he ignored him and focused on Sizhui again.

"Why bother lying?" Jingyi asked. "If Hanguang-jun courted Wei Wuxian, why would he question you? It's not like anyone else would have said anything about it considering the way Hanguang-jun looks after you. They wouldn't have dared."

Sizhui furrowed his brow. "It was before I knew about Hanguang-jun and Wei-qianbei," he said. "I'd never known anyone who felt like I did. So I lied to you and myself and tried to pretend it didn't happen.

"But then we ended up running into Jin Ling a lot more. So by the time I'd seen that Hanguang-jun was like me, I was already beginning to question my thoughts about Jin Ling. And besides, back then, you had denied feeling anything for me, so I didn't see the point in bringing anything up to you."

Jingyi frowned but didn't say anything. So Sizhui went on.

"There were times that I thought Jin Ling might have shared my feelings," he said, "but I was never sure enough to say anything to him. Good thing too, since it was you that he had feelings for, not me.

"Admittedly, it's a little embarrassing to think that I was so blinded as to have imagined it, but in the spirit of honesty, I'm saying these things to both of you that I never thought I'd say to anyone."

Jin Ling was speechless for a time.

Why did Sizhui have to say that? Why did he have to put Jin Ling in the position to have to say something – to have to correct him?

"In the spirit of honesty…" Jin Ling mumbled reluctantly, "…I don't think you imagined it…"

He watched them both just long enough to see their eyebrows shoot upward before Jin Ling redirected his gaze to the ground.

"This is ridiculous!" Jingyi said angrily. " All of us are…? Oh this is just stupid!"

Jin Ling didn't speak. On some level, he was still trying to put it all together. All those times he'd made a point not to look at them, had they been doing the same thing to him? How many times had each of them considered saying more but decided they would rather let the words burn holes in their hearts than lay bare what it was that they wanted?

He wondered how much longer it might have dragged on if Luo Qingyang had not intervened.

"We've made a mess of everything!" Jingyi exclaimed. "How are we supposed to fix all of-" he gestured around broadly, "–this? We've got maybe half an incense time left!"

Sizhui furrowed his brow and said slowly, "No… I think it's fixed. I think we have an answer."

"What do you mean?" Jingyi asked.

But Sizhui had already looked away from him. He was watching Jin Ling, an unspoken question written on his face.

Jin Ling understood. So he explained it. "I'm not a factor in this. It all works out."

"What do you mean?" Jingyi said again.

"I've already said that my duties mean that this-" he gestured broadly as Jingyi had done, "–isn't even a question for me. I've already answered."

Jingyi blinked a few times before he realized what Jin Ling was saying.

"Oh," was the only response he gave.

"It works even better for you two," Jin Ling added once he was sure Jingyi wasn't going to interrupt him with a different question, "because my hands aren't clean either. You can count on me not to say anything."

Sizhui crinkled his brow and tilted his head very slightly to one side. "I would have trusted you anyway," he said gently.

"Me too," Jingyi said.

Jin Ling tried to laugh a little. He wanted them to stop looking at him like that. But his laugh caught somewhere in his throat and came out as a funny, strangled noise.

"It works perfectly," Jin Ling said. "No need to fight over anything. You two will be together. You should be together. And that's that."

"That's that," Jingyi repeated.

His echo reverberated within the hollowness that Jin Ling felt growing inside him. Why wouldn't they stop looking at him like that?

"Stop it!" Jin Ling snapped at them. "It's fixed! Solved! Over!"

Their expressions didn't change. Jin Ling was starting to get angry.

"It's fine!" he insisted. "Stop being like this! It's good! You're making it weird!"

"Sorry," Sizhui muttered.

"I don't want you to be sorry!" Jin Ling shouted. "I just-!"

He stopped and let out a long sigh. He was too tired for this.

"I just want to be sure," Jin Ling went on in an even tone, "that we're all still going to be friends. That won't change, will it?"

Sizhui and Jingyi both seemed hurt by his question.

But he hadn't meant to hurt them. He'd only wanted to know.

Without saying a word, Sizhui stepped forward. Before Jin Ling knew what was happening, he found himself wrapped in a tight hug, something he wouldn't have expected from Sizhui, who usually made a point not to touch others unless necessary.

Maybe Jingyi actually hadn't needed to try very hard to steal that kiss from him.

Just as quickly as he'd initiated the embrace, Sizhui ended it, taking with him that faint smell of frankincense.

"Everything will be as it was," Sizhui said firmly. "We're not abandoning you."

"Not for that anyway," Jingyi put in. "I might abandon you, though, if you don't let me pick the name for your firstborn."

Jin Ling chuckled. "Won't that be a decision for me and my wife?" he asked.

Jingyi folded his arms. "Not if you want a good name."

Sizhui looked skeptical. And he had a right to be. They both knew who they were dealing with.

"I'm not naming my firstborn 'Young Mistress'," Jin Ling deadpanned.

"Damn."

Jin Ling tried to act annoyed, but the snort escaped him before he could stop it. Sizhui, however, laughed openly.

"Not to worry!" Jingyi said brightly, feeding off of their amusement. "I'll come up with another. Mark my words."

"Please don't," Jin Ling said.

"Fine, fine, I'll leave you alone… for today."

"You just can't think of anything funny, can you?"

"Shut up."

Jin Ling shook his head in mock disappointment.

But the topic was closed, which meant they had to figure out what to do next.

They fell into old nervous habits. Jin Ling picked at his sleeves, Sizhui fiddled with his hair, and Jingyi shifted his weight back and forth and rubbed the back of his neck.

Jingyi was the first to break under the pressure. "We can leave now, can't we?" he asked.

Jin Ling looked around, half-expecting Luo Qingyang to materialize in front of them to answer their question.

"I think we could have gone at any time," Sizhui said. "The only risk was whether or not Advisor Luo would believe us when we told her that we'd handled the problem."

Jingyi grinned and clapped his hands together. "Wonderful!" he said. "Let's get out of here. I'm tired of traipsing through woods. I want to see the sun again."

Sizhui nodded in agreement, and together, the two of them started back toward the clearing.

Jin Ling, however, found that he was unable to follow. He willed his feet to move, but he was rooted firmly in place.

"Is something wrong?" Sizhui asked.

He and Jingyi had paused a few meters away and were looking back at him.

"I'll catch up," Jin Ling called. "Go on."

For whatever reason, they wavered there.

Then, Jingyi leaned over and whispered something into Sizhui's ear. Jin Ling scowled, certain that Jingyi was making fun of him or plotting some practical joke.

Sizhui nodded and continued on out of the forest by himself.

"What did you tell him?" Jin Ling asked as Jingyi neared him.

"I said that I'd catch up with him."

"Why? I said that I'd catch up with you. Why are you hanging around here? I don't need-"

Jingyi had taken advantage of Jin Ling's disgruntled babbling to cross the distance between them and kiss him yet again.

At first, Jin Ling wanted to push him away.

Hadn't he listened to a word of what he'd said earlier?! They'd come to an agreement! A decision was already made!

But then he noticed how much more reserved this kiss was compared to the ones that had come before it. This one was controlled and planned. It was a purposeful message rather than a desperate wish.

This was a goodbye kiss. And it was meant to be their last.

So, rather than push him away like he'd initially considered doing, Jin Ling tried to commit every detail to memory. He listened to the way he breathed, and he soaked in that faint sweet smell that lingered on him.

But Jingyi stepped away after only a few moments.

It wasn't enough. Already, Jin Ling could feel himself forgetting.

He hadn't come close enough for Jin Ling to feel his heart beat against his own. He hadn't stayed long enough to let him drink in his warmth.

He almost wished that Jingyi had never kissed him again at all.

"We'll wait for you out there," Jingyi said matter-of-factly. "Don't be too long."

And just like that, he followed in Sizhui's footsteps, disappearing into the forest without waiting for an answer.

"Okay," Jin Ling whispered to no one.

He gazed at the swinging branch of a tall yellowwood tree behind which Jingyi had disappeared. He watched it until it stopped moving. And then he continued to watch.

Jin Ling didn't know how long he stood there. He didn't know why he stood there either.

But he did. And the forest around him was quiet.

That is, until someone disturbed the fallen leaves and snapped dry branches under their shoes.

Luo Qingyang emerged from the wilderness. She brought her fingers up to her chest to brush against the jade phoenix that rested there as she walked.

"I was looking for you," she said, coming to a halt in front of him.

"You found me," Jin Ling said dully. "Well done."

She nudged his arm, gently reprimanding him for his rudeness. "I talked to the other two," she said. "It sounds like you've come to an understanding?"

"Yes."

"How are you?"

Jin Ling tried to reflect on it, but everything in his head was a jumbled mess. He'd stood there in those woods long enough for Luo Qingyang to speak with Sizhui and Jingyi, and yet he still hadn't organized any of the thoughts that bounced around inside his skull.

"I don't know," he said at last.

Luo Qingyang's gaze didn't waver from him. "Did you decide not to be with him?" she asked.

Jin Ling nodded. Luo Qingyang mirrored him with a sigh.

She then held out her arms to him. She wasn't forcing Jin Ling to embrace her like she'd done in the past. This time, she was asking if he wanted to.

At first, he thought he didn't want to. He wanted to be angry with her. He wanted to yell at her for disrupting the fragile balance he'd held between himself and the Lans.

But he couldn't. The anger that he tried to summon only made him feel worse. It didn't protect him like he'd hoped it would.

Maybe he just wasn't trying hard enough.

Regardless, he trudged forward and wrapped his arms numbly around her. She pulled him close, holding him fiercely as if she alone could protect him from the circumstances that had led them to this moment. The jade phoenix pendant that Luo Qingyang wore around her neck dug into his skin, but he didn't complain.

Jin Ling wondered briefly if this was how his mother would have held him.

"I'm not a child," he mumbled into her shoulder.

She squeezed him. "Pain and the need for comfort are not reserved to children," she whispered back to him.

Hot tears stung the corners of his eyes.

"Okay," Jin Ling said.

After a little while, Luo Qingyang loosened her hold, wordlessly asking if he wanted her to release him. Jin Ling responded by wrapping his arms a little tighter around her. She reciprocated.

"I'm sorry for what you gave up today," Luo Qingyang said softly. "And I'm sorry for my hand in it. I would understand if you were angry with me."

Jin Ling shook his head. "It had to happen," he said.

Luo Qingyang didn't respond except to reach one of her hands up to run her fingers lightly through his hair. Jin Ling closed his eyes. It reminded him of how Jiang Cheng used to care for him when he was small and ill.

"What if I still can't do what's expected of me?" Jin Ling asked her. "What if I still can't make him proud?"

Luo Qingyang didn't ask who he was talking about. She knew.

"You can only do your best," she said. "Honor your family and the people around you to the best of your ability, and try to make peace with whatever it is that you still can't do."

It didn't really make him feel better to hear her say that. But he knew it was the most honest advice that she could offer. He appreciated that she hadn't lied to him just to make him happy.

"I hate this," he mumbled.

"I hate it too," she said.

When Jin Ling pulled away from her, he started to hastily wipe the tears from his face. Luo Qingyang frowned and seized his wrist to stop him.

"You may brush them away," she said, "but don't hide them. Not from me. There is no shame in front of me. Do you understand?"

Jin Ling nodded and did as she'd requested. He wiped his tears away with less urgency and only to stop them from tickling his skin.

"Do you want me to stay?" Luo Qingyang asked when he was done. "Or would you rather I wait for you out there until you're ready to join us?"

"I'm ready."

"And you want to walk with me?" she asked, eyebrows raised skeptically.

"Tch," Jin Ling said, folding his arms. "There's no shame in front of you, so there should be none beside you either."

He'd tried to be aloof in how he'd said it to avoid the gushing he knew would accompany any perceived kindness from him. He didn't want her to get used to his being nice.

It hadn't worked though. Luo Qingyang beamed at him.

"No, there isn't," she said, taking his hand in hers.

"Ugh," Jin Ling said, wiggling out of her grasp with disgust. "Don't push it."

Luo Qingyang laughed. "Very well," she said.

"Let's go."

Side by side (but certainly not touching), they made their way back to the others. Maybe it was the soothing dappled sunlight of the woods or just the simple passage of time that sanded down the sharp edges of his sorrow. Either way, Jin Ling's sense of relief began to overpower his loss.

By the time they reached the clearing, he was able to greet Jingyi and Sizhui as if nothing had happened. He would keep his friends. What was there to be upset about?

Yu Qingqi waved to them. Nie Huaisang inclined his head, his face hidden behind his fan.

"What I wouldn't have given to have been trained in cultivation like you were," Yu Qingqi said to Nie Huaisang, presumably returning to their conversation.

Luo Qingyang moved to her wife's side, slipping an arm around her waist. Jin Ling lingered beside the Nie Sect leader, curious to hear what he and Yu Qingqi were discussing.

"Doesn't the Meishan Yu Clan train women?" Nie Huaisang asked. "Why wouldn't you have been trained?"

Yu Qingqi shook her head. "They train you if they consider you worthy of training," she said. "I struggled with my studies and since my sister outperformed me in practically every area, our parents decided that I wasn't worth the effort."

"Oh," said Nie Huaisang. "I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "I'm learning now," Yu Qingqi said, looking up at Luo Qingyang with a loving smile. "And I have an excellent teacher."

"Hm," Luo Qingyang replied. "I'd be able to teach you more if I wasn't always in meetings or dealing with whatever new issue the cities of Lanling decide to throw our way."

She fixed Jin Ling with a pointed look. He scowled.

"You're not in meetings now, are you?" he asked.

"No," Luo Qingyang said, "but I'll be right back in that room once we get back, now won't I?"

Jin Ling crossed his arms, but didn't answer. Sizhui and Jingyi were headed their way and he thought it best to end the argument with Luo Qingyang before the two Lans could join her side against him. Jingyi wouldn't miss a chance to heckle him.

"That's what I thought," Luo Qingyang said with so much self-satisfaction that Jin Ling almost argued with her in spite of himself.

He bit his tongue.

"Were you not allowed to learn cultivation either?" Yu Qingqi asked Nie Huaisang.

The sect leader fanned himself nervously. "Well, no, I was allowed to," he said. "I just… didn't want to learn."

Luo Qingyang smirked in such a way that Jin Ling had to wonder if she'd known Nie Huaisang when she was young, like she'd known Jiang Cheng and Jin Zixuan. She looked like she understood something more from what he'd said, as if there was some sort of other, secret meaning to it.

"Why not?" Yu Qingqi asked.

"I, um-" Nie Huaisang cleared his throat. "-was afraid of the sabers. They have a long history of… well, if it had been your type of cultivation, maybe I would have studied harder!"

Luo Qingyang snorted.

"What?" Nie Huaisang said to her. "You don't believe me?"

Yu Qingqi was looking at her wife as if she'd declared her candidacy for head cultivator.

"Forgive me, Sect Leader Nie," Luo Qingyang said. "I don't mean to offend. It's just… from the stories I've heard, well, you developed a reputation for being the very opposite of studious. It sounded like you liked messing around more than anything."

Jin Ling's mouth had fallen open at some point while Luo Qingyang was speaking. What was she thinking talking to a sect leader like that?!

He closed his mouth but continued to stare at her in bewilderment.

Nie Huaisang didn't seem to have taken offense, though. He smirked and closed his fan.

"Studying was not my strong suit," he admitted. His gaze was far off, looking into the past. "I got into all sorts of trouble. But maybe I would have been more inclined to learn if wielding a saber didn't guarantee qi deviation."

"What stopped you from learning a different type of cultivation?" Jingyi asked. Sizhui nudged his arm, warning him to mind his words.

But it was Jingyi. Sizhui was wasting his energy.

"Oh," Nie Huaisang said with a laugh, "there's not a chance in hell that my brother would have allowed that!"

"You still could have learned it," Jin Ling chimed in. "That way you could defend yourself even if it wasn't exactly the way that he wanted you to. It's better than giving up, at least."

Nie Huaisang stared at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Often when you speak," said Nie Huaisang, "I hear your uncle."

Jin Ling's skin grew hot. He picked at his sleeve.

"Uh I don't really know what you're talking about," he said. "I'm not copying anyone. I'm my own person."

"Yes, you are," Nie Huaisang said with a strange fondness like that of a trainer praising a dog for learning a new trick.

It was unsettling.

"Anyhow," Nie Huaisang said, clapping his hands together, "who's to say I would have learned at all? As Advisor Luo has so keenly pointed out, I much preferred the life of an artist than that of a warrior. Unfortunately for me, everyone else has grown out of that mindset, myself included… to some degree."

Jin Ling knew the 'everyone else' to which he was referring was Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian. His uncle had certainly never told him much about his own school days, but there were enough rumors floating around. People wondered if there was some rift between the Jiangs and Nies since it was almost common knowledge that Nie Huaisang, Wei Wuxian, and Jiang Cheng had caused all sorts of trouble back in their day in the Cloud Recesses.

People wondered why Jiang Cheng and Nie Huaisang never visited one another, even though it was obvious enough that the two had nothing in common anymore. Some mused that they'd merely grown apart. Others speculated that something terrible had happened between them.

But no one dared to ask Jiang Cheng and no one bothered to ask Nie Huaisang. So the speculations remained just that.

It was in that moment, though, that a new thought occurred to Jin Ling that had never crossed his mind before. What could Nie Huaisang tell him about his family?

He'd written him off like everyone else had. Nie Huaisang didn't know anything, and even if he did know it, he was so nervous to give an answer that more often than not, an answer was never given.

But he'd been different since the events at Guanyin Temple. He still came across as twitchy and anxious in person, but he'd become an undeniably competent leader in Qinghe almost overnight. Which meant that he must have more than sawdust and panic between his ears. And if he had any memories, Jin Ling wanted them.

Unfortunately, fate had different plans for him.

A blue signal flare went off with a loud bang in the distance.

"Oh good!" Nie Huaisang said. "It looks like we'll be taking the righthand path."

"Great – uh – where is the Ghost General?" Luo Qingyang asked, looking around.

Jin Ling spun around too even though he knew he wasn't going to see him. He hadn't noticed he was missing either.

"He's patrolling nearby," Sizhui said quietly. "He will have seen that. I expect he'll be rejoining us soon."

"All right, so let's open a storm gate to Zewu-jun, then," said Jingyi.

"What?" Jin Ling said. "Why? Zewu-jun and my uncle took the left path. Don't we want to go to Hanguang-jun?"

Jingyi scowled and put his hands on his hips. "No, you have it backward."

"No I don't!" Jin Ling insisted. "I distinctly remem-!"

Sizhui raised his hands, begging for them both to be silent.

"It doesn't matter," Sizhui said quickly in the brief pause he'd made for himself. "If we wait for a little while, we can open a storm gate to either of them. The group that's encountered trouble will be linking with the others soon too."

Jin Ling felt his face grow hot again as Luo Qingyang and Yu Qingqi laughed at them. Nie Huaisang was mercifully silent, but Jin Ling wasn't entirely sure that he wasn't hiding a smirk behind that stupid fan of his.

Jingyi, also looking quite pink, said, "I knew that! But it's the principle of the matter. Jin Ling is wrong."

"You didn't kno-" Jin Ling started to say before Luo Qingyang gestured for him to drop it.

He was going to ignore her and continue his argument, but Wen Ning chose that time to rejoin them. The Ghost General's reappearance changed the atmosphere substantially. It somehow didn't feel right to fight Jingyi in front of him.

"Welcome back," Sizhui said quietly.

Wen Ning regarded him solemnly, placing a gentle hand on Sizhui's shoulder.

"Thank you," he said. "Are we ready to go?"

"Yes," said Luo Qingyang, staring up at the smoke in the sky. "I think we've given them plenty of time to regroup."

Wen Ning nodded and he and the rest of them looked to Sizhui to make the storm gate.

Very calmly, Sizhui reached into his pack and retrieved a scrap of paper, an inkwell, and a brush. But rather than sit down and start the incantation, he handed all of the materials to a bewildered Jingyi.

"Wha – I haven't ever done this before," Jingyi said as he tried to push all of it back at Sizhui. "Maybe it would be best if you do it."

Sizhui simply shook his head. "Now is the perfect time for you to practice," he said. "What if there's no one around to help you next time?"

"It's easy," Jin Ling said. "You'll catch on in no time. Just focus on the person you're trying to go to and draw circles."

Jingyi wasn't convinced. His eyes darted around their group. It looked like he was taking a tally of how many people he was about to embarrass himself in front of.

"Seriously," Jingyi hissed at Sizhui, "can't you do it just this time?"

Sizhui was about to answer, but Luo Qingyang beat him to it. "Come on, loud boy," she said. "You're with friends. As such, we promise to only tease you a little bit, yes?"

She looked around for support. Jin Ling smirked. Sizhui bit his lip. And Nie Huaisang and Wen Ning both gave the nod that she was looking for.

Yu Qingqi, however, said, "I won't make fun of you at all, Lan Jingyi. Don't be nervous."

"Ah, Qingqing!" Luo Qingyang cried, nudging Yu Qingqi with her shoulder. "Don't spoil the fun! The loud Lan is thick faced! He doesn't mind some friendly jesting! Right?"

Jingyi rolled his eyes at her. "At least she's bothered to learn my name," he said. "Between the two of you, I'd say she has more right to tease."

Yu Qingqi giggled and stuck her tongue out at Luo Qingyang, who seemed surprisingly hurt by what Jingyi had said to her.

"You really think that I don't know your name, loud boy?" she asked him. "You think I've put so much effort into looking after the three of you and I still don't know the names Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui? What do you take me for?"

Jingyi was caught off guard, but he recovered quickly. "I take you for someone who thinks she can call everyone else whatever she wants."

Sizhui grabbed his arm, warning him yet again to shut his mouth. But Luo Qingyang didn't mind. She only laughed.

"Feel free to give me any name you like," she said.

Jingyi grinned at her while Sizhui and Jin Ling exchanged anxious looks.

"Give me some time," Jingyi said. "I'll come up with a good one."

"I look forward to it," Luo Qingyang said. "Now how about that storm gate?"

Jingyi blanched.

"Does this mean I officially win?" Jin Ling asked him. "I'm better than you are?"

He may have gotten a dirty look for what he'd said, but Jin Ling had also managed to convince Jingyi to try.

Jingyi slapped the paper down on the ground and ripped the lid off of the inkwell. He started mumbling angry half-sentences under his breath.

"Better watch yourself or… I ought to… Thinks he's so…"

"It doesn't sound like you're focusing," Jin Ling scolded him.

Another glare. But this time, when he went back to tracing, he did so silently.

He filled a quarter of the page with random, meandering lines. Then half the page. Then three quarters of it…

"What's wrong, Jingyi?" Sizhui asked softly. "Do you need-?"

"I don't need help!" Jingyi yelled. "I can do it!"

"Are you focusing on Hanguang-jun or Zewu-jun?" Sizhui asked, giving no indication that he was upset by Jingyi's outburst.

"Hanguang-jun."

Sizhui smiled. "Try Zewu-jun," he said.

Jingyi frowned at him. "But we spend more time with Hanguang-jun," Jingyi said. "It makes more sense to try him for my first time. He should be easier."

"And I'm sure you can link to Hanguang-jun," Sizhui said. "But you should pick an easier link for your first time. It should be Zewu-jun. You know that."

Jingyi gave an exasperated sigh but went back to the paper and began drawing once more.

He'd made no more than ten strokes before a crack like thunder made him fling the brush across the field. The storm gate promptly collapsed in on itself.

"Well done!" Sizhui cried. "Do that again, but brace yourself so you aren't startled."

Sizhui trotted off to retrieve the brush. Meanwhile, Jin Ling watched Jingyi, who was looking very confused and maybe even a little upset. The corners of his mouth were turned downward as he inspected the scribbles on the paper.

Jin Ling said nothing to him. Even if something was wrong, he wouldn't know what to do to help him. And besides, it wasn't like Jingyi was going to admit anything in front of the others.

Sizhui returned the brush to him and Jingyi opened another gate in even less time than before. The seven of them automatically shielded their faces, quite used to the cyclone that accompanied the technique.

"What happened?" Wei Wuxian yelled over the storm as they filed through. "We saw you and then you were gone again just like that. Were you attacked?"

"The only attacker was Jingyi throwing his brush when he scared himself with his own storm gate," Jin Ling teased.

"I'll be the only attacker again when I throw it at you!" Jingyi said, brandishing the handle at him.

Sizhui plucked it right out of his fingers and put it back in his pack. Jin Ling howled with laughter.

"Quit it!" Jingyi shouted. "I can throw something else at you!"

"If you expect to be the only one fighting, you had better make that throw count!" Jin Ling retorted.

"Quiet down, kids," Wei Wuxian said.

Both Jin Ling and Jingyi bristled instantly.

"We're not your kids!" they yelled in unison.

"Thank goodness for that," Wei Wuxian mumbled.

A stern look from Lan Wangji silenced both of them in a heartbeat.

"Now if you boys are finished," Wei Wuxian continued smugly, "we should – Sizhui? Are you all right?"

Jin Ling looked over to find Sizhui standing where he had been before, a hand over his chest. As he watched, Sizhui began to bend his fingers like he was trying to carve out his own heart. He was turning very pale.

Before he could repeat Wei Wuxian's question, Jin Ling felt a sudden wave of emotion overtake him. Terror, loss, shame, loneliness – it was an amalgamation of every bad feeling he'd ever had.

Luo Qingyang swayed in place beside Jin Ling. Yu Qingqi wrapped her arms around her to help keep her upright but she pushed her away with a whisper. "Not this time. You're suffocating me."

When Nie Huaisang started to become unsteady on his feet as well, Zewu-jun was quick to provide support. Unlike Luo Qingyang, Nie Huaisang accepted the help.

"Oh," Wei Wuxian said as Jingyi pried Sizhui's hand away from his chest so he couldn't hurt himself. "I didn't think about that. The miasma is even stronger here. I'm so sorry. That would have been worse than flying to us."

Jin Ling could only halfway hear him. His heart was racing. Was that smoke he was smelling? Or was it blood? Maybe both.

Someone touched his shoulder and Jin Ling immediately reached for Suihua. As he grasped its hilt, a hand closed around his, preventing him from drawing it.

"Look at me, A-Ling."

The sound of Jiang Cheng's voice helped him to focus. He did as he'd asked.

"Where are you?" Jiang Cheng asked him.

"Jinlintai," Jin Ling whispered.

It was the simplest answer. In reality, he'd re-experienced a million memories in quick succession, but that one was the one that lingered most prominently.

"No you're not," Jiang Cheng said quietly. "You're here. Return here. Just breathe."

Jin Ling nodded.

His breaths were coming in uneven shaky gasps. Jin Ling hadn't even noticed until Jiang Cheng pointed it out.

He inhaled deeply and eventually succeeded in bringing himself fully back to the present.

He wasn't the only one who'd needed help. Sizhui and Jingyi were surrounded by Wen Ning, Hanguang-jun, Wei Wuxian, and even Zewu-jun who must have pulled Nie Huaisang along with him so that he could tend to both him and his juniors.

Yu Qingqi was kneeling across Luo Qingyang, speaking to her in hushed tones but notably not touching her. Yu Qingqi herself seemed unwell, her complexion turned a sickly shade of pale green. But she was in a better state than her wife, who looked like she might pass out at any moment.

"I should have known better than to separate from you," Jiang Cheng said. "Every time the two of us split up, something bad happens."

"I'm fine, Jiujiu," Jin Ling assured him.

He wasn't back to himself completely, but he was about seventy percent of the way there. He was, at the very least, mostly fine.

Jiang Cheng rounded on Wei Wuxian anyway.

"Was this your idea of a practical joke?" he snarled. Zidian sizzled and popped on his finger.

Wei Wuxian turned away from Sizhui to meet Jiang Cheng's gaze.

"Was it not obvious that I didn't mean for this to happen?" he asked.

"Right. That's why you fought so hard for me to stay behind too."

Wei Wuxian's eyes grew wide and he leapt to his feet. "You think I did all of this to trick you?!" he cried. "You think I'd use Jin Ling and the others as collateral just to mess with you?! Don't make me laugh!"

Jin Ling winced preemptively. Surely Wei Wuxian's combative answer was going to get him into even hotter water with Jiang Cheng.

Oddly enough, though, he noted that the sparks that danced around Zidian had actually grown dimmer.

"Why did you want me to stay behind then?" Jiang Cheng asked.

"Because-!"

Wei Wuxian threw his hands up in the air, apparently at a loss for how he could explain himself. Again, his eyes drifted in Zewu-jun's direction.

Now Jin Ling was certain that Zewu-jun had something to do with it… he just didn't know what.

"I explained myself before," Wei Wuxian said. "I'm not going to do it again. Can we please just work together to get everyone to the next town?"

Jiang Cheng didn't answer him, but he also didn't continue to argue.

He turned back to face Jin Ling.

"Are you well enough to walk?" Jiang Cheng asked. "I can probably carry you at least most of the way if-"

"I'm fine!" Jin Ling said quickly, backing away from him. "No need to carry me, see? I'm walking just fine."

"Good," Jiang Cheng said, raising an eyebrow. "I hoped I wouldn't have to."

As it turned out, most of them didn't need to be carried. Jingyi perked up as quickly as Jin Ling had, and everyone else followed suit. Luo Qingyang was slower than the rest, but she regained enough strength to walk on her own, even if she was still a bit shaky.

Sizhui, however, did not recover substantially. He continued to shiver and mutter incoherently where he knelt. They gave him some time, but his improvement was slow and they were losing daylight.

"We need to go," Lan Wangji said. "I will carry him."

"No," Jingyi blurted out.

When everyone looked at him curiously, he turned very red.

"No, I mean, would it be all right if I carried him instead?" Jingyi asked Lan Wangji without looking at him.

Lan Wangji seemed perplexed, but the corners of Wei Wuxian's mouth turned upward slightly.

"Of course!" Wei Wuxian said before Lan Wangji could say a word. "Good thinking, Jingyi! Keep Hanguang-jun's hands free so he can help the rest of us fight."

"Right," Jingyi said.

Jin Ling could hear clearly the relief in his voice.

Jingyi bent and whispered something to Sizhui before lifting him onto his back.

Jin Ling scolded himself for the twinge of envy he felt. They were still his friends. That should have been good enough. Did their friendship truly mean so little to him?

He was so preoccupied with his thoughts, Jiang Cheng worried he still hadn't recovered by the time they'd reached their next resting point. Try as he might to assure him that he was completely back to himself, Jiang Cheng wouldn't rest until he'd been examined by Lan Xichen.

Annoyed as he was, it was comforting to Jin Ling to know that his uncle cared so much about his well-being. And if he wanted to be absolutely sure that he would continue to care, Jin Ling needed to do his best to focus less on what he'd given up and to be appreciative of what he'd maintained.