He'd expected an oppressive silence, dark stone beneath his feet, and swirling mist.

Nothing could have prepared him for the scene that waited outside the palace doors.

Mist, yes. That was still there. But it was a natural sort of mist.

The rush of water and the crisp mountainside breeze were altogether unexpected.

Knee-high grass whispered as he moved through it to look down into the edge of a pool, which was smooth as a mirror and stood in stark contrast to the bubbling water beneath the falls at the other end.

He knew he wasn't in the Cloud Recesses. But the only reason Xichen could be sure of that was because he hadn't lost consciousness. From the exact moment he'd put his hands on the brass handles of the door until he'd wandered outside to the pool's bank, he'd been awake.

He knew where he was and he knew how he'd gotten there. But, goodness, did it feel like he was dreaming.

Attention to detail had always been something of a special power for Jin Guangyao. He'd helped to rebuild the library pavilion back during the time of the Sunshot Campaign. Not a single feature of the building was overlooked by him – exact lighting placement, décor, and room dimensions down to the very centimeter.

It was like it had never been lost.

But that was a building. The main senses to consider were those of sight and touch.

This, though… it was as if he'd transported the pools of the Cloud Recesses to Qishan. The smell and taste of the air was precisely replicated. The ticklish sensation of the grass and the cool mist that floated over the water and kissed his hands and neck were as he remembered. Insect song filled the entire space, clearly but softly heard above the rush of the water.

The sight was breathtaking.

When he looked back, the palace stood behind him, a jarring reality to break the daydream. In theory, he could retreat there if he needed to.

"Are you still afraid?"

To his left, Jin Guangyao stepped out from the shadow of the trees. He was dressed in the same fine silk he'd worn to Guanyin Temple, his hair arranged the same way. But this time, he didn't have the demeanor of a cornered animal. It was now Xichen who was cornered.

Of course, last time Xichen had been a prisoner too, but mainly because Jin Guangyao had grown desperate.

This was entirely different. This was according to plan.

"I don't want you to feel afraid," Jin Guangyao said, his voice soft as velvet. "I want you to feel at home."

"I know this isn't my home," Xichen replied.

Jin Guangyao didn't seem upset by his rebuttal. "Where would you feel safest?" he asked. "Tell me what to make and I'll make it for you."

"It won't help," Xichen said, catching himself before he could fiddle with Liebing at his waist. "Just tell me what you want."

Jin Guangyao had noticed his fidgeting anyway. "There's something you're not telling me."

"There are a lot of things I don't tell you anymore."

"I know you don't trust me," Jin Guangyao said sadly. "There's maybe nothing I can do to change that. But you can ask me for anything. Maybe I can provide it to you and maybe not, but you can always ask."

"So I'll feel indebted to you by the time you finally tell me what it is that you want?"

That time, he looked a little taken aback. Xichen had spoken more harshly than Jin Guangyao had probably ever heard him speak.

"You could ask for anything and you would still not be indebted to me," he said. "How could you be after everything that I've done?"

"Tell me what you want."

Jin Guangyao nodded seriously. "I will. But you're more likely to listen if you're not so afraid."

"You may be out of luck there," Xichen said.

Blood rushed in his ears with every hammering beat of his heart. Sweat beaded across his skin. Every instinct in his body screamed at him to decide whether to fight or flee. There was no talking him down from panic now.

"Come here," Jin Guangyao said, stepping toward him. Xichen immediately backed up. "You're hurt. I can heal you."

"Don't."

"How many times must I say that I don't want to hurt you?"

"As many times as you like. I'm not going to believe it," Xichen replied. He was unable to keep himself from saying what he'd wanted to before. "Nothing prevented you from hurting everyone else that you claimed to care about. Why should I be any different? You've already used the miasma against me."

Jin Guangyao's expression remained unchanged, but the insects chirped more quietly and a staleness permeated the air for a moment.

He didn't know what that meant. Was he angry? Offended? Saddened? Amused? He didn't know. But he did know that he'd felt something even though his face wouldn't show it.

Eventually, Jin Guangyao shrugged. "I'm going to heal you whether you want me to or not," he said. "I apologize if this frightens you too."

"Stay away," Xichen warned as his hand drifted to Shuoyue. "You said you only wanted to talk. So talk."

He knew the area around these pools by memory. Xichen might have even been able to form a believable replicate himself. As such, he never so much as stumbled while backing away from Jin Guangyao… or at least, he shouldn't have.

Continuously, he told Jin Guangyao not to come any closer. Xichen even went so far as to draw Shuoyue from its sheath and point it directly at him, but Jin Guangyao was unfazed. He kept speaking to him in low tones, hands held open and empty in front of himself as he advanced despite Xichen's insistence that he stop.

They had moved away from the pool and were nearing the stand of trees when Xichen stumbled the first time. His feet hadn't hit anything and they hadn't tripped over one another.

It was bizarre and Xichen didn't quite understand it until the heaviness of his limbs began to set in. Pure, complete exhaustion was taking over his entire body. His steps were no longer distinct movements but sluggish uncoordinated sliding.

"What is this?" Xichen asked, his voice hardly more than a whisper as he had no strength to speak any louder. "What did you do to me?"

"You must calm down," Jin Guangyao answered. "Maybe it would be best if you sit. I don't want you to fall."

He hadn't used any incantation nor talisman nor activated any array. Not that Xichen could recall. But his thoughts were drifting by, each disconnected from the next. It was so hard to know anything anymore.

Xichen found himself seated on the ground, but for the life of him, he couldn't remember how he'd gotten there. His vision slid in and out of focus. It was beginning to make him feel sick.

"This must be strange," said a calm voice.

He knew he recognized that voice, but memories were something so distant to him now. He was left with only memories of his memories. But this voice… it was good… he knew it was. And the more that he told himself that, the more he believed it. This voice was good and it belonged to a good person.

"Hey," it said softly, "look at me."

Warm fingers closed around Xichen's. He tried to do as he'd been asked, but he could only see golden silk in front of him, emblazoned with a pretty white flower.

"I can't lift my head," Xichen mumbled, swaying where he sat.

"Oh dear. A little too strong, I think. Just lie down. I'll sort it out."

"Where am I?"

"You're at home. You're safe."

He felt himself tip backward. Grass brushed against his cheeks and the smell of damp soil rose to greet him. It certainly felt like home even though Xichen couldn't remember where exactly that was.

Those warm hands let go of him and Xichen's fear crept back into his chest. It may have felt like home, but he didn't want to be alone here.

He muttered a string of incomprehensible sounds. In response, someone pressed their hands against his side.

He'd quite forgotten the gash there and the resulting sting drew a weak, "ow" from him.

"I'm sorry," the good voice said tenderly. "This will only hurt a little longer."

Heat rushed around and through the wound, stinging him incessantly.

Xichen was aware of it but in a detached sort of way, like he was watching it happen to someone else. He wasn't even sure he'd reacted. But when it was done, a hand was holding his and rubbing his knuckles reassuringly, so he assumed he must have said something.

"I'll heal your leg now, if you're ready."

"This isn't what we agreed to," Xichen murmured, not really understanding where those words had come from. He tried to lift his head but ended up just turning it the other way.

"Good. You're waking up a little."

The same hot sensation zipped back and forth across Xichen's calf. This time, he heard himself cry out. He also heard a dull thud in the distance.

The hand that held his squeezed a little, not in response to his cries, but after that distant sound had drifted over to them. It was the only thing that told Xichen he hadn't imagined it.

"Almost done now," the good voice said. "This next part will probably hurt a little more than those did, but then I promise I'll wake you up. Okay?"

"I want to go home."

"You are home."

Without warning, white hot coils wrapped around his chest and squeezed the air from his lungs with a strength that could only be rivaled by the great elephant-eating bashe.

If this were indeed the bashe, though, its scales must have been replaced by flaming coals. Never had the stories told of a serpent of fire.

But it really didn't matter to Xichen what it was. He wanted it off of him.

He would have screamed had he any air left to him. Instead, he writhed on the ground, gasping.

It was strange to be struck by such overwhelming pain without returning to reality. Xichen was still detached and floating, unstuck in space. But now, the fire floated there with him.

"You'll feel better when it's done," the voice said. "Bear with it a little longer."

He was less sure now that the voice was good. It had brought him nothing but pain.

Xichen seized a fistful of golden silk and tried to pull himself up with it but to no avail. The ground rushed up to meet him as he fell back down. It wasn't as soft as he'd expected.

"Get away from him."

Certain his flesh was melting from his body, Xichen hardly noticed the new voice that had spoken.

However, the burning ceased almost immediately afterward, leaving him feeling oddly pleasant. He was able to hear the voice repeat its command as Xichen returned to his previous disconcerting weakened state.

"Get away from him. Now."

This was not a good voice. It was harsh and sharp like claws. It dug deep into the flesh, and if used the right way, could rend it from muscle and bone too. Xichen was sure of it.

And yet, there was a protective quality there.

Xichen found himself wishing that he could sit behind that voice instead of in front of it. He didn't like feeling as though it was directed at him.

Alas, he had no idea who or what it was defending. He didn't even know how many people stood around him.

"I was healing him. You needn't fret," the good voice said. "In fact, you should be trying to heal yourself. You may be able to walk now that you've taken that elixir, but you're going to need a lot more help than that."

"That didn't look like you were healing him."

"Sadly, my abilities aren't as… nice as they used to be. But they are more effective. He's better now, if you'd like to come see for yourself."

The rustling of grass drew nearer and nearer. Xichen tried to open his eyes, which he didn't recall ever closing, but his eyelids were too heavy.

Something pressed lightly against Xichen's side. Again, he tried to look, to see what was happening, and again he failed.

"Great," the harsh voice said. "Now wake him up and let him go."

"Not until I've had the chance to talk to him."

"Hard to talk to him when he's like this, wouldn't you say? What did you do to him?"

"In all honesty," the good voice said, "I didn't mean to affect him so profoundly. He is waking, though… slowly."

Through the haze of his mind, Xichen began to realize that the protective note he'd heard before wasn't directed at him after all. It was there for him.

As such, he found himself drawn to that speaker. The good voice was good, but the harsh one was for him.

It was selfish for him to think that way, and even disconnected from space, Xichen knew that. But it didn't matter.

It didn't change the fact that he wanted to see that person first when he woke from his strange dream. And it didn't change the fact that he was still questioning whether the good voice was really good at all.

"He's healed now," the harsh voice said. "Move away from him."

"Not until I've had a chance to talk with him. Why don't you go wait in the palace like the rest of them?"

"I'm not leaving without him."

"You'll be standing there – sorry – leaning there for quite some time then, I'm afraid."

"Not as long as you think."

A snapping buzz sounded somewhere near Xichen's head.

"Oh seriously now?" the not-so-good voice said. "You really think you're in any state to fight me, Sect Leader Jiang? You should take the victory in that you're still upright at all. Don't push it."

Jiang Cheng! Yes, that's who that was!

And that other one… Jin Guangyao. He remembered. He finally remembered.

A good voice indeed! How wrong he'd been!

Xichen was regaining the strength in his limbs. The weight of his eyelids was lessening by the second.

"Don't hurt him," Xichen muttered.

"He can't hurt me," Jin Guangyao replied, patting Xichen's hand that he'd since forgotten was still wound tightly in the front of his robe.

Xichen released him at once and finally managed to open his eyes to see Jin Guangyao kneeling beside him. A short distance away, Jiang Cheng held Zidian at the ready, his shoulder pressed against the tree next to him for support.

"You misunderstand me," Xichen said, sitting up. "I was speaking to you, not about you."

Jin Guangyao's smile widened with the correction. "I won't do anything to hurt him as long as you speak with me like we agreed."

"And when exactly is that conversation supposed to start?" Jiang Cheng snarled. "It took me half an incense time to catch up to him, and you two still haven't even started this all-important talk."

"I've wondered the same," Xichen said, "I came here to make a deal with you. Not to be healed or calmed or whatever name you give to what you did to me."

"Let's talk then," Jin Guangyao said with a shrug. "Though I don't think Sect Leader Jiang needs to be here."

"I'm not-"

"-leaving without him, yes I got that the first time," Jin Guangyao finished for him.

Foreboding overtook Xichen. He was like a deer that had caught the scent of danger but didn't yet know how fearful to be.

Jiang Cheng wiped his forehead with the back of his hand. Zidian hissed as it snaked its way through the grass mirage.

"I didn't say you couldn't stay here," Jin Guangyao explained. "I said you couldn't be here."

"What the fuck does that…?"

Before he could finish his sentence, Jiang Cheng began to rock backward on his heels. His gaze quickly became unfocused.

"Leave him alone!"

Jin Guangyao smirked. Then, in an instant, he was gone.

Xichen didn't have to look far to find him. He was standing beside Jiang Cheng, that smirk still drawn across his face.

"I told you I wouldn't hurt him, Er-ge," he said.

When Jiang Cheng could no longer keep himself on his feet, Jin Guangyao reached out lazily and grabbed him to lower him to the ground. Zidian soundlessly reverted to its ring form.

"See?" Jin Guangyao said. "I didn't even let him fall."

Jiang Cheng mumbled incoherently. His movements were feeble.

"What was that?" Jin Guangyao asked him, bending down to hear.

Xichen leaned forward.

"I'm going to kill you," Jiang Cheng said clearly.

"I applaud your conviction," Jin Guangyao said, amused. "But your efforts so far have been wanting."

His shaky hand reached for him. Jin Guangyao slapped it away easily.

"What did you do to him?" Xichen asked.

"The same thing I did to you," Jin Guangyao answered, rising and walking back to Xichen. "It's a certain fragrance. I'm able to emit them from my skin. Some make hallucinations and some conjure drowsiness. They're surprisingly easy to formulate to target one person as long as you know them, but they're deceptively hard to measure. So even though they use no spiritual power, it's not without risk."

"Why would you tell me that?"

"Why do you think?"

Xichen sighed, feeling exhausted again, "I don't want to play games with you."

"I'm not playing," Jin Guangyao said, kneeling down to be at his level. "Not anymore. I'm being honest with you. We will talk and I will answer any questions you have to the best of my ability."

In spite of everything, Xichen wanted to believe that. But he couldn't deny what he knew and what he didn't.

This was almost definitely still a game. And even if it wasn't, he would have no way of discerning that.

Their conversation wasn't going to be productive at all…

…or was it?

A thought occurred to him then, and Xichen said firmly, "Qinghe."

"What?" Jin Guangyao replied, politely puzzled.

Xichen gestured at the scenery around them. "You said that I could ask you for anything. That is what I want. I want the Unclean Realm, Qinghe."

Jin Guangyao narrowed his eyes for a fraction of a second. Then, seemingly catching himself, he reverted to a more pleasant demeanor.

"Do you want that to help remind yourself not to trust me?" Jin Guangyao asked. "Or do you have an even more nefarious reason for your request? Maybe you're trying to make me use more power to tire myself out. Who's really playing games between the two of us?"

Xichen wasn't good at lying and it wasn't something he enjoyed doing anyhow. So he didn't.

"You told me that I could ask for anything," Xichen said. "You told me there was no harm in asking and either you could provide it for me or not. Can you provide it?"

A tense silence fell between them. Or perhaps it was only tense for Xichen, who didn't know how he was going to get out of this predicament and still wasn't sure that Jiang Cheng was indeed all right.

Jin Guangyao sat with an open posture and relaxed limbs. He didn't seem perturbed in the slightest.

But there were definitely calculations running through his mind behind those unnatural silver-stained eyes.

At last, he replied, "I did say that, didn't I? Surely you already know that I can provide that for you?"

"Will you?"

The corners of Jin Guangyao's mouth twitched. "I will."

Xichen tried hard to conceal his shock, but he knew he'd failed when Jin Guangyao spoke again.

"Do you have any idea how long I've wanted to give you what you want?" he asked in a low voice. "You really thought I would deny you again? I know you're still frightened. I can hear your heart and smell your sweat. Of course I will forgive you your motives, whatever they may be."

As he spoke, the vegetation around them turned to liquid and splashed on the ground like little waterfalls of their own. The wildlife went suddenly quiet and the pool did too.

Everything shifted around them.

The ground became hard and cold. Owls hooted softly in the distant trees. Tall manmade walls reached up toward the sky.

This time, Jin Guangyao created something that Xichen could never have hoped to replicate.

He knew the courtyard of the Nie residence quite well, but there were details that he only remembered once he was shown. The exact number of tables and lanterns, the way the moonlight shone through the thin crack in the eastern wall, and that mysterious sharp but faint smell of something that Xichen could never describe but always made him think of metalworking.

"Is it as you knew it?" Jin Guangyao asked rhetorically. "I think maybe you've become a little more willing to listen to me."

"I will listen to you," Xichen said his eyes locked on Jiang Cheng lying on his back a few meters away, "but I don't trust you."

Jin Guangyao followed his gaze. For a moment, he said nothing. He watched impassively as Xichen waited for proof that Jiang Cheng was alive. When he was satisfied with the rise and fall of his chest, he turned back to find Jin Guangyao looking at him curiously.

"You've lowered your standards since my death, haven't you?" he asked snidely.

"If you want me to listen to you, you'd best mind your words."

Jin Guangyao shrugged and laughed. "I told you that I'd be honest. That's all that I'm doing."

Xichen had the sudden desire to hit him.

Instead, he did what he'd been taught to do when tempted to act in a way that would not uphold his family's values. He drew in a deep breath and recited their tenets in his head.

He hadn't gotten far, though, when a different thought – a different voice - crossed his mind.

You deserve to be angry.

"You're upset," Jin Guangyao said plainly. "Perhaps I spoke too honestly. I should have said that you're too good for him and left it-"

Wham!

Jin Guangyao reeled backward from the force of the blow. Xichen hadn't held back at all. He shook out his sore hand as Jin Guangyao sat on the ground, clutching his jaw in surprise.

"Incredible! You're nearly as strong as Da-ge!"

He didn't sound offended. His tone wasn't sarcastic. He seemed to be genuinely impressed. But who could tell?

"I don't think he'd appreciate you calling him that anymore," Xichen said sharply.

"You're probably right."

Then, Jin Guangyao did what he always did. He picked himself up off the ground, brushed off his clothes, and smiled.

"I'm not off to a good start, am I?" Jin Guangyao asked. He held out his hand to help Xichen to his feet, but Xichen ignored it and got up on his own. "I have never seen you so angry with anyone."

An apology sat ready on the tip of his tongue, but Xichen refused to say it. Part of him had given up on Jin Guangyao and had even come to resent him. It was that part that would not allow him to disgrace himself by apologizing.

But a different part of him wasn't ready to give up. It was ashamed of what he'd done. It wanted him to make amends with the man across from him and try to lead him back to a righteous path.

How foolish he was. But which side was foolish, he didn't fully know, even though he knew he should have.

"I'm sorry," Jin Guangyao said, surprising Xichen enough to draw him out of his thoughts. "I will mind my words from here on. I didn't realize how strongly you felt."

"How I feel is irrelevant," Xichen said. "You are in no position to pass judgement on anyone else. You would do well to remember that."

Jin Guangyao inclined his head. "The things I did were unforgivable. I know that. But do you really turn away from the deeds of Sect Lea-?"

"Was I somehow unclear?" Xichen asked shortly.

"Not at all. Let's discuss something else."

"Yes. Let's."

Jin Guangyao beckoned him toward one of the stone tables in the courtyard. Xichen followed, nervous to leave Jiang Cheng where he was. But they weren't going so far as to leave him out of sight, so Xichen didn't protest.

Jin Guangyao positioned himself next to the west facing seat, leaving the east facing one for Xichen, and waited for him to sit down before being seated himself.

A light breeze jostled the lanterns hanging from the eaves of the fake Nie residence. Xichen thought about how Huaisang had always threatened to change every drab decoration and how Mingjue had heatedly told him off for wanting to spend funds as a sect leader on something so trivial. But Huaisang had continued to threaten it, maybe just to get a rise out of his brother for his own amusement. Maybe he really had meant to do it but had forgotten.

Whatever the reason, nothing had changed in the Nie residence after Mingjue's passing. The real lanterns, off of which Jin Guangyao had based these swinging illusions, still hung from the eaves. Everything, except Huaisang's quarters, was just as Mingjue had left it, as if to persuade him to come home.

"I feel I'm only making you more frustrated the longer I delay my proposition," Jin Guangyao said heavily. "No point in delaying any longer."

"No, there isn't."

Subconsciously, he found himself looking over at Jiang Cheng again. Worry was eating away at the pit of his stomach. He'd sounded so miserable in the palace. Jiang Cheng was sure to be in need of immediate attention. And yet, they couldn't safely leave until Jin Guangyao was taken care of.

"Do you remember what you asked me years ago?" Jin Guangyao asked. "Something you asked for but I refused you… maybe the only time I've ever refused you."

Xichen was sure there would have been more than one thing that he would have refused to do for him. But as he thought about it, Xichen realized he didn't often ask things of Jin Guangyao, and when he did, Jin Guangyao had always been so eager to help.

But there was one thing… one request that he hadn't so eagerly agreed to.

"I think I know what you're talking about," Xichen said uneasily. "But perhaps it would be better if you clarified it for me."

Jin Guangyao tilted his head to one side. He seemed hurt.

"When you told me how you felt about me," he said. "What else could I have been referring to?"

"Nothing, really," Xichen replied dully. "I was only hoping it wasn't that. Why do you bring that up again? To humiliate me?"

"What? No. I never told anyone what you told me. I've already explained why I'm bringing it up again. I want to give you what you want."

Xichen's heart stopped. He leaned back in his seat, away from Jin Guangyao.

While he was speechless, Jin Guangyao continued to explain.

"I told you even back then that your feelings weren't unrequited. But, given my precarious status as it was, I couldn't do something so risky and besides, I truly did love Qin Su and didn't want to do anything to hurt her."

"I thought you said you wouldn't lie to me," Xichen said, at last finding his voice.

"I'm not lying to you. You simply don't understand. I didn't want to do those things I did. You think I wanted to kill my own son and drive my wife to take her own life? You think I wanted to kill Da – Mingjue?"

"I don't know. After all your lies, how could I presume to know?"

"You know me!" Jin Guangyao insisted. "You knew me for who I wanted to be! I showed you the person that I wanted to be! But I was too weak to be him then. I wasn't strong enough to protect myself. I had to do those things to ensure my own survival."

"Is that how you see it?" Xichen asked, voice trembling. "What were we – Mingjue and I – to you if you couldn't trust us to look out for you? Not your friends. And certainly not anything more."

"No, you were more than friends. You were everything to me. You have to believe me."

"Then why didn't you come to us for help? Mingjue would have given you a place by his side if your father turned you away. He protected you from the very beginning. He loved you, but you killed him anyway."

"My father ordered it!" Jin Guangyao cried. "I couldn't deny him! And besides, Mingjue suspected me from the start! He would-"

"He did not."

"What?"

"He didn't suspect you of anything until you killed that man in front of him and turned as a double agent to the Wens' side," Xichen said. "Mingjue eventually understood everything that you'd done for us during the war, but the sight of you killing that man never sat right with him. I should have listened to him when he said so."

"I had to do that," Jin Guangyao said. "I had to make the turn convincing."

"Your leaving would have been convincing no matter what. We were struggling against the Wens. Wen Ruohan by himself was exceptionally powerful, but he also had thousands of lives at his disposal. It would have made sense for you to switch sides. He still felt like the safer option."

"If not then, he would have eventually suspected me anyway. Mingjue harbored ill will toward me."

"Because he saw what you were," Xichen said. "You try to make him seem like the enemy here when all he did was realize your lies. You can't continue to twist me against him. He was a good man and he loved us both. Don't think that I will ever forget what you did to him."

"I know you won't," Jin Guangyao said softly, "not unless you want to."

"What?"

Jin Guangyao just shook his head. "I won't forget it either. He made me something when I was nothing. He helped me and trained me and looked out for me when no one else, aside from you, would do the same. I have cast off my grudge for him. I know that I was the one who was wrong."

"You still blame him a lot for someone who has set aside a grudge."

"Alas, I become defensive in front of you," Jin Guangyao said meekly. "I hate the way you look at me now. I don't want that look to grow even more disappointed."

"Then don't lie to me. Be honest about what you did. I already know what you did."

"I'm sorry. I will do better."

Jin Guangyao hung his head, and silence fell between them again. Xichen found himself counting cracks in the table just to avoid going back to their main topic of conversation.

Unfortunately, he couldn't avoid it forever.

Jin Guangyao rose from his seat and spread his arms wide. "All of this is for you. Ask me for what you want, and you'll have it. You took care of me for all those years. Let me take care of you."

"No, I…"

Xichen couldn't find the words to reject his proposal. If he was too blunt, it might cost everyone their lives. Xichen had been prepared to make a deal with Jin Guangyao, but he wasn't prepared to make this deal.

Perhaps there was a chance he could wiggle out of his predicament carefully with no casualties.

Off of the top of his head, the only viable option he could think of was to make Jin Guangyao use as much of his energy as possible to make it so that the rest of them could overpower him. No deals. No sacrifices. But that would have to be done carefully, lest he raise his suspicions further. Jin Guangyao had already guessed that plan. It was essentially the plan they'd gone in with.

"I want you to let everyone go," Xichen said.

"Will you stay with me, then?"

"I can't… I can't do that."

"Have you moved on that quickly, or are you having trouble trusting my intentions?"

"How many ways must I tell you that I can't trust you before you believe me?" Xichen whispered.

"You used to trust me," Jin Guangyao said, moving to kneel down in front of where Xichen sat. "Can't you recall what that was like? Can't you remember the kind of person you thought I was? That's the person I'm ready to be now."

He reached out to take his hand. For some reason, Xichen didn't move away.

The second that Jin Guangyao's skin touched his, something strange happened. Everything felt different. He no longer harbored doubts. In fact, Jin Guangyao was one of the few people he felt wholeheartedly sure was good.

But no, that wasn't right. He did have doubts.

Xichen's conflicting realities clashed violently. It felt like it had when he'd first begun to learn of Jin Guangyao's misdeeds. But it was worse than that. Neither side would concede defeat. He was mentally tearing himself apart.

"What did you do to me?" Xichen demanded, pulling his hand away.

Jin Guangyao looked puzzled. "I didn't do anything. Not on purpose, at least. Are you all right?"

"You did. When you touched me, you did something. I can't… I can't think…"

"Please quiet down," Jin Guangyao said, patting his arm when Xichen tried to rise. "You're working yourself into distress."

"No, you did something… I think…"

"You're panting. Are you hurt? Do you need something?"

"Jinlintai."

"What?" Jin Guangyao said, frowning.

"It's too painful to be here," Xichen replied, pointing at the Nie residence. "It was a bad idea. It's only making things worse."

"But you want to go to Jinlintai instead? Not home?"

"It feels like home too."

Jin Guangyao's frown deepened. Xichen was definitely out of his element.

Despite the warring in his head, he still knew underneath it all that he needed to get Jin Guangyao to use as much power as possible before the others found them and tried to fight him.

But it was tricky.

One, because leaving Qinghe might weaken his resolve against Jin Guangyao, which was already faltering after he'd touched his hand. Even though terrible things had been done almost everywhere that he'd been, Qinghe was one of the only places inextricably attached to bad memories of Jin Guangyao… besides Guanyin Temple.

But Xichen didn't want to go there again. That would be too much.

The other issue was that Xichen wasn't good at lying and Jin Guangyao was good at detecting liars. Xichen had done his best to be truthful in his requests, but he'd lied when he'd said Jinlintai felt like home. And Jin Guangyao knew it.

"It used to feel like home," Xichen corrected.

"So you want to go to a place that used to feel like home rather than your actual home?"

"Yes."

He should have picked Gusu again. That still would have used a lot of power. But he'd figured it was easier to recreate something that he'd just done than it was to make a new place altogether.

Jin Guangyao leaned closer to him and whispered, "I think you're trying to trick me."

Xichen tried to hold his gaze so as to seem less suspicious, but he couldn't do it. He had to break away from that piercing stare.

"It's okay," Jin Guangyao said, patting his arm again. "I'll still do that for you, Er-ge."

An involuntary shudder ran down his spine. He didn't like Jin Guangyao using that name for him anymore. But if Xichen was going to succeed with his plan, he needed to let him think he had a chance of convincing him.

The scene around them changed once more. The stones beneath his feet lightened. An ocean of white flowers sprang from the ground. A long set of stairs sloped downward toward the city below, which echoed with noise and bustle even as the moon shone brightly overhead in the late night.

As the table began to crumble in front of him, Jin Guangyao took Xichen's hands and pulled him to his feet before he could fall on the ground.

All of the proud rigidity of the Unclean Realm was gone, replaced by the opulence of Jinlintai.

But, it seemed, Jin Guangyao hadn't finished.

He released Xichen's hands and stepped back. When he stood still again, it was as if time began to rewind. His hair shortened, not by cutting but by seemingly retracting back into his scalp. It also started to shift atop his head until it no longer sat loosely clasped behind him but was drawn partially back from his face with a ribbon. His flowing robes twisted and tightened around his legs and arms until they resembled a standard Jin disciple's uniform. But given the more youthful appearance of his face, he could have just as easily sported a Nie uniform.

Aside from the clothing, he looked like he had the first day they'd met.

Xichen's knees buckled and he crashed down hard on the stone beneath him.

He was right to have feared coming here. The voice in his head reminding him to be careful was so hard to hear now. He was overwhelmed by grief and the joy of having someone so important to him returned from beyond the grave.

"I… this isn't… why…" Xichen stammered, unable to accuse him of anything.

"This can end," whispered Meng Yao. "I want this to end. You're afraid and confused and I don't like to hurt you like this."

This isn't right, a little voice said in his head – a voice that didn't really sound like Xichen's. You have to think. Don't forget.

"That's all you've ever done, though," Xichen said softly at last. "Even if I wasn't aware of it, you were always hurting me."

Meng Yao's brow crinkled, as if actually pained by what Xichen had said. But Xichen had to remember not to believe it. Meng Yao had lied for years without his knowing. If he had any tells, Xichen didn't know them.

"Come with me," Meng Yao said. "I can take all that pain away. Please let me do that for you. We can be together like you had wanted all those years ago."

He bent down and ran his thumb across Xichen's cheek. Xichen pulled away.

"I can't pretend that you didn't do the things that you did," said Xichen. "I can't forget it just because you ask me to."

Meng Yao smiled. Xichen's heart was breaking all over again. To see that soft expression on his face and how he looked at him, it caused such unbearable agony that he found himself wishing for his cruelty.

If only he would drive a dagger through his shattered heart. Maybe a blade could hold those fragile pieces together. Maybe he could finally hate him as deeply as Jiang Cheng had told him that he deserved to.

"I can make you forget it," Meng Yao said sweetly. "You wouldn't have to bear it anymore. I could take it from you. We could live forever."

"At the cost of how many other lives?"

Meng Yao shrugged, his eyes never wavering from Xichen's. "What would it matter?" he asked. "You would never have to know the cost. The blood would be on my hands alone."

"No."

"Let me show you."

"No," Xichen said. "I don't want that. No."

But Meng Yao reached out for him anyway and Xichen didn't have the strength to stop him.

His thin fingers pressed lightly against his temples.

And then…

It was like the weight of a thousand stones had been lifted from his chest and shoulders. He took a deep breath and hastily reached up to grab Meng Yao's arms, afraid that he'd grown so light that he would float away.

Xichen had forgotten nothing of the past. When he searched his mind for them, he found all those horrible memories still intact. But they were far away, locked behind imaginary glass, visible but unable to tear away at him like they usually did.

"How does it feel to breathe again?" Meng Yao asked.

Xichen closed his eyes. Tears trailed down his face.

"Good," Xichen murmured. "It feels good."

"Let me make it permanent."

He couldn't see him, but he knew Meng Yao had moved closer. He could feel his breath on his face, and smiled at the attention to detail.

Meng Yao didn't need to breathe anymore. He was doing it for him.

"None of it would be real," Xichen said. "I don't want people to die for a fantasy."

"People die all the time for more horrible reasons," Meng Yao replied. "It would be real to you, and you would be real to me. What else matters?"

Xichen opened his eyes.

They were millimeters apart. A smile spread slowly across Meng Yao's face, like blood across a marble floor. He was close enough to kiss, if Xichen so chose.

But instead Xichen's gaze drifted and focused on Jiang Cheng, sprawled on the ground a few meters away. Was his breathing shallower than it had been?

"He would hurt you too," Meng Yao said, fully aware of who he was looking at. "He might do worse than I did."

"Maybe."

"Don't tell me that he reciprocates your feelings."

"He doesn't."

"Then come with me."

Fingers still in place on either side of Xichen's head, Meng Yao was able to make him turn back to look at him. His expression was fierce.

"He would be real," Meng Yao admitted, "but I would be yours… forever. That's the point of all of this cultivation, isn't it? Immortality? Let me give that to you too."

"What about him?" Xichen asked, indicating toward Jiang Cheng. "What about the others?"

Meng Yao shrugged. "They can go," he said. "I'll let everyone here go. I'll never interfere in their lives again, if you come with me."

"I… I think I want to…"

"Then agree to it," Meng Yao said. "Give me permission to take your memories – your pain – from you."

Still, Xichen's gaze wandered back to Jiang Cheng.

"I know you care about him," Meng Yao said. "I'll heal him fully before we go. He'll be free to finish mending things with Wei Wuxian. You want that for him, don't you?"

Xichen nodded.

"Then it would be kinder to leave him."

Maybe it would be. Maybe he was right. Besides, it wasn't like Xichen had been contributing to the world around him in the last few months or so. As far as anyone else was concerned, it would be like he'd gone into seclusion for the rest of his life… just like his father.

"But I-"

"Just say it, Er-ge."

He didn't mind that name so much anymore…

"I don't know…"

"Say it."

Was it really so difficult?

"I don't-"

"Say it!"

He wanted to. He really wanted to. But something was bothering him.

If only he could think! Why did Meng Yao have to look at him so sincerely? This was a trick, wasn't it? Maybe he'd worded his promise to make it so he could still do whatever it was that he wanted.

Wait…

What did he want? What did he truly want?

Had he really done all of this just to be with Xichen? As much as he might have wanted that to be the case, Xichen couldn't buy that. Not completely.

Meng Yao continued to interrupt his thoughts.

"Er-ge, please."

Think!

"If you want something else too, name it."

No, what did he want?

"I can't hold this forever, Er-ge. I need you to say it!"

Xichen racked his brain, but he was coming up with nothing. With all the power Meng Yao had now, he could do anything he wanted. He was finally in a stable enough position not to have to vie for any more power.

So was it true then? He'd only come for him?

"Anything, Er-ge! Ask for anything! Hurry up!"

Then it came to him – a ghostly white face staring in horror from the bed across from his while Jin Guangyao knelt before Xichen, pretending not to notice that other person in the room.

"Huaisang," Xichen said at last.

Meng Yao's expression hardened. "What?" he said.

"Huaisang," Xichen repeated. "You said that you would let everyone here go, but Huaisang isn't here."

"You don't really think that I'd-?"

"I really do."

His frown turned to a scowl. Meng Yao pressed his fingertips a little harder into Xichen's temples.

"That's what this has all been about, isn't it?" Xichen said. "You never cared about me. You want revenge on Huaisang."

"Er-ge, please!" Meng Yao pleaded. "I cared about you! I care about you!"

"Then promise me that you won't hurt him. Promise me that you'll let Huaisang go too."

He paused. Only for a moment, but Xichen noticed.

"I promise not to touch him."

Some of the weight that Meng Yao had lifted from him returned in that moment. Xichen saw the flash of cunning in his eyes – a thirst for blood that he'd never recognized in him before. He may have been separated from his other memories, but this new one could dig its claws into him all the same.

"You're a liar," Xichen whispered.

"No, I promised," Meng Yao insisted. "Why would you have asked me if you weren't going to believe me?"

"I don't know. I can't believe anything that comes from your mouth."

"Don't do this," Meng Yao said, a hint of warning in his tone.

Xichen ignored it. "I don't accept your offer," he said. "You're going to have to kill me."

Xichen tried to pull away from him, but Meng Yao followed him, keeping his fingers on his temples.

"It'll hurt you to snap the connection like that," he said.

"I don't care."

He shifted again, and again, Meng Yao followed him.

"I care about you, Er-ge."

"No you don't. I'm not sure you ever did."

"Does it hurt you less to pretend that I never cared?"

Xichen's throat constricted. "No."

"Then why won't you believe me?"

"Because I can't choose what to believe in."

"Please, Er-ge-"

"Don't call me that!" Xichen shouted, finally pushed beyond his limit. "You have no right! You aren't family to me anymore! I don't love you like I did!"

Every ounce of kindness in Meng Yao's features vanished in an instant. His once warm gaze was suddenly as icy as a winter's night.

He traced his thumb along Xichen's brow. His touch was a threat, not a comfort.

"Yes you do," he whispered. "You will always love me. And I'll always love you."

"I don't believe you."

Meng Yao's smile didn't touch his eyes. "I'll prove it."

Before Xichen could figure out what was happening, Meng Yao had closed the short distance between them.

For all the malice that Xichen had seen in him before, their lips met with an unexpected tenderness. He was loving and gentle. It felt genuine.

But, it changed nothing.

Xichen hastily pulled away to stare into those cold eyes again.

"Fine," Meng Yao said. "I won't force you."

Worry filled Xichen's mind as he considered the consequences of what he'd done. He had no idea how the others were faring in this nightmare and he didn't know how much power Meng Yao had left to him. Xichen might have condemned them all to die.

It didn't matter what happened to him. Xichen should have agreed to the deal, if only to save as many of them as he could. Maybe he couldn't save Huaisang, but he could have saved the rest of them. What was he thinking?

But it was too late.

"I revoke my offer," Meng Yao said harshly.

He withdrew his hands and stepped away.

All of the memories he'd been holding back were suddenly returned at full force. Guilt, betrayal, grief, shame – all of it came crashing down again.

Xichen cried out and fell forward onto all fours. Little white peony petals swirled around his wrists, carried by the wind.

"It won't kill you," Jin Guangyao said calmly as Xichen clutched at his own chest, "but you'll wish that it would."

He was right about that. It certainly felt lethal.

Xichen trembled on the ground, barely strong enough to hold himself up but unwilling to fall down at Jin Guangyao's feet.

"I gave you every opportunity," Jin Guangyao hissed. "You would have never felt any of this ever again. You would have been happy with me. Is reality worth it when it feels like this?"

"Yes," Xichen breathed. He sat back on his heels, one hand pressed against his chest to keep his heart from being torn out like it felt like it was going to be.

Jin Guangyao watched him, expressionless.

"Will it still be worth it after I kill him?" he asked, pointing at Jiang Cheng. "What about after I kill your juniors? Your brother? I'll leave you alive, of course. I meant it when I said I wouldn't kill you."

If he could just get ahold of himself, he could fight him. Xichen would defend everyone else for as long as he could.

Try as he might, though, his legs wouldn't listen to his commands. He couldn't stand.

"If you cared about me, you would never do that," Xichen said.

"Tell yourself what you will. You won't listen to a word I say."

Jin Guangyao turned on his heel and stalked over toward Jiang Cheng.

"Wait!" Xichen called out, trying everything he could to stall him. If only he could get up.

"I've entertained your ruse long enough," Jin Guangyao answered without turning around. "I know you're going to recover eventually. I know you're only trying to delay me. Maybe it's best if you don't use underhanded methods, Zewu-jun. They don't suit you."

"They don't suit you either."

"But I'm better at them, aren't I?" he said, looking back over his shoulder with a smile that looked more like a snarl. "It's what you think of when you think of me. And I know you think of me."

"Don't."

Jin Guangyao ignored him as he came to a halt by Jiang Cheng. With a look of utter indifference, he kicked lazily at Jiang Cheng's side with the toe of his boot. A quiet groan was the only response he received.

"I ought to wake him up if I'm going to kill him properly," Jin Guangyao said blithely. "That should have hurt a lot more than that."

"Leave him alone. He has nothing to do with this."

"You're right, of course," Jin Guangyao replied. "He doesn't have much to do with anything anymore, does he? He sticks to his own. For someone so argumentative, he tends to bite his tongue and keep his head down an awful lot. I guess it's all for show."

His shaking legs were becoming a little stronger. Xichen would be able to stand soon. But he needed to act before then.

Shuoyue, Liebing, and a few talismans he'd made at the palace desk were the only options left to him. They would have to do. And maybe once Wangji and Wei Wuxian caught up with them, they might have a chance.

Jiang Cheng stirred. With consciousness returning to him, he seemed to become more and more aware of his injuries. He gritted his teeth and knit his brow.

All the while, Jin Guangyao waited patiently.

"Please hurry," Xichen whispered to the air.

He raised his arm and gave Shuoyue its first command.