Jin Ling couldn't see where Yu Qingqi was taking him, but he was grateful that she was leading him away. He didn't want to be there. He didn't want everyone looking at him. He wanted to be alone.

But when she led him into a medical teaching laboratory and closed the door behind Fairy, he realized that she intended to stay.

Even though he wanted to tell her to leave, he couldn't get a hold of himself enough to speak.

He threw himself down in front of a stack of old books and notes. Fairy slinked over quietly and laid beside him.

Yu Qingqi didn't come to sit next to him. She didn't sit at all. Instead, she walked to one of the two large wooden tables in the middle of the room and leaned forward on it, staring down at her fingers.

"I don't know what to say, Jin Ling," she whispered.

He drew his knees up to his chest and buried his face in his arms, soaking his sleeves.

"Your grief may be premature," Yu Qingqi said. "We don't know what's going to happen."

Grief? Grief?

It wasn't plain grief that clawed at his throat and suffocated him. He was afraid. Deathly afraid. Terrified.

How was he supposed to lead a sect with no one to guide him? Sure, he had advisors and experienced politicians to help, but if things went wrong, really wrong, those people would leave him for better prospects.

Who would be there for him when no one else was?

With Jin Guangyao gone and now… He couldn't bear to even think it. There was no one left who had to stay – no one who was obligated to help. And if no one was obligated, who would ever volunteer?

He felt so guilty for worrying about all of that – who would help him, when it was Jiang Cheng and not he who needed help - but he worried regardless.

And so the guilt grew.

Jin Ling screamed into his arms.

Just last night he'd been fine. Jiang Cheng had been as he always was, upright and imperious and always ready to pick a fight with him. But now that image of him was broken by flashes of him lying there on the ground in a pool of his own blood, gasping for air as his skin turned from olive to white to a sickly gray.

If only Jin Ling could go back in time. He could change something, one thing, and protect him. He could convince him never to go into Nightless City with the rest of them. Then he would still be fine, like he had been last night.

If only.

"Whatever happens," Yu Qingqi said, "A-Yang and I will be here for you."

Something in him snapped.

"Don't lie to me!" Jin Ling shouted, lifting his head from his arms. "You don't want to be here! Luo Qingyang hates working here! She only does it to provide a life for you! As soon as you two get the chance, you're going to leave!"

"That's not true. There are some things she doesn't like as much, but overall, she's happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. We're not leaving-"

"MY OWN FAMILY LEFT ME! WHY SHOULD YOU BE ANY DIFFERENT?! WHAT MAKES YOU BETTER THAN THEM?!"

"He didn't leave you," Yu Qingqi said quietly, a pained expression on her face like the sort adults gave to children who were distressed about matters they didn't understand. It enraged him. "It wasn't a choice. He didn't mean for-"

"And what about Jin Guangyao?!" Jin Ling interjected. "What excuse can you make for him?!"

"That's… Jin Ling, that's different. He was-"

"GET OUT!" he screamed.

"I apologize if I've offended you."

"GET OUT! GET OUT NOW!"

Yu Qingqi gave him a curt bow and turned on her heel. She let herself out into the hallway without a backward glance.

And then he really was alone.

The two colossal wooden tables stared apathetically at him as the sun began to set outside.

But there was someone else who watched him with more sympathy.

Fairy whined softly and wiggled her head between his stomach and his thighs, forcing him to lie his legs flat so she could rest her head on them.

He wasn't as alone as he'd thought. But she was of little comfort.

He continued to sob and scream and cough just as hard as he'd done before.

Soft thick fur slipped through his fingers as thoughts raced through his mind.

Jin Guangyao was your family and he betrayed you… He tried to kill you. He tried to kill me…

He was so stupid. How could he have been stupid enough to think he could ask Jin Guangyao anything and expect to get an answer? Why had he wasted so much time with that? Why couldn't he just do what needed to be done? If his aim had been a little truer, everything might have been avoided.

Why hadn't he focused on the people who actually cared? Why had he been so stupid?

I'll be all right. I always have been.

Jin Ling wished he was young enough to blindly believe that. But he knew that if the world was cruel enough to take his parents and one of his uncles from him, it could surely take another, no matter how stubborn Jiang Cheng was.

"I'll listen to you," Jin Ling sobbed to the empty room. "I'll do anything you say. Don't leave me."

Fairy lifted her head from his lap. Her large brown eyes stared into his. She would never feed him meaningless platitudes nor make empty promises.

He smiled weakly at her and scratched under her chin. His smile vanished though when he pulled his hand away from her damp fur.

Blood coated his fingertips. When he looked down, he saw splotches of red on his lap where her head had rested.

He knew whose blood that was. His stomach turned.

"Get away," he whispered.

Fairy stared at him, tilting her head a little to one side.

"Get away!"

She jumped to her feet and backed away from him, ears pinned to her head and tail between her legs. She kept going until her backside hit the wall. Then, she laid down with a quiet whine.

Jin Ling frantically wiped his fingers on his robes. But even as the blood dried and started to flake off, it left behind faint pink stains and remained stuck deep in the creases around his fingernails.

"It won't come off!" Jin Ling cried. "I can't get it off! It won't come off! What did you do?!"

Fairy whined again when he yelled at her, but Jin Ling didn't care. He couldn't bear to look at her.

He got up, went over to the door, and threw it open.

"Get out," he said, his voice shaking with anger. "Go."

Fairy studied him, unable to believe that he would send her away.

"GET OUT!" he screamed. "I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOU! GET OUT OF HERE!"

Her nails clicked against the floor. Fairy raced out the door. But once she was safely in the hallway, she turned around, her eyes imploring him to let her back in.

"I don't want to look at you," Jin Ling said again before pulling the door closed.

"Jin Ling, wait!"

What the hell was Sizhui doing out of bed?

Jin Ling didn't open the door, though. In fact, he held it closed. But Sizhui never tried to open it.

He heard his footsteps patter to a halt.

"Jin Ling, why have you put Fairy out here?"

"I can't look at her," he said. "Don't let her back in."

"All right, I won't. But will you let me in?"

Jin Ling shook his head even though he knew Sizhui couldn't see him. He kept scratching at his fingers to no avail.

"Please?" Sizhui said.

"I'm tired of everyone telling me it's going to be fine!" he yelled. "I don't need to hear it from you too!"

"You won't," Sizhui replied solemnly. "Your world is breaking apart. I don't have any power over that. But I'd like to sit with you through it, if I may?"

"Ow!" Jin Ling hissed.

Fresh blood oozed over the old. He'd cut himself in his effort to be clean.

"What's wrong?" Sizhui asked. "May I come in?"

"Fine! Whatever!"

Jin Ling stepped aside to allow Sizhui to enter.

He was dressed in fresh white robes and looked much better than he had the last time Jin Ling had seen him. He still moved gingerly as he turned to close the door behind him. When he faced Jin Ling again, he furrowed his brow and tilted his head, not unlike Fairy, wordlessly asking if he was hurt.

"I can't get it off," Jin Ling whispered, holding his shaking hands out to him. "I can't get his blood off of me. Help me. Please."

"Of course," Sizhui said.

He guided him to sit beneath the window. Then, he went to the corner and retrieved a bucket of water that Jin Ling hadn't noticed before. He brought it over and set it in front of Jin Ling, wincing as he lowered it.

"It might be dirty," Sizhui said slowly, peering down at it.

"I don't care," Jin Ling replied, thrusting his hands into the chilly depths. "I don't care."

He scratched and scratched at his skin, but all that did was open up more cuts. He couldn't tell what blood was his and what wasn't.

"Stop," Sizhui said gently. "Don't do that. Here."

Jin Ling froze as Sizhui took one of his hands and began to tenderly wipe it clean. He didn't dare move for fear of scaring him away.

"Is this why you've put Fairy outside?" Sizhui asked quietly.

"She didn't bite me. It's not my blood. It's… It's…"

"I know. Wei-qianbei told us what happened."

Sizhui lightly patted Jin Ling's hands dry with the sleeve of his robe while Jin Ling stared at him.

"I can take this out into the hall," he said, pointing at the bucket. "I can clean her off so you don't have to."

Without thinking and desperate to feel something, anything else, Jin Ling leaned over the water, grabbed the front of Sizhui's robes, and kissed him. Sizhui quickly backed away. Jin Ling tried to pull him back, but stopped when he saw him wince.

"You know how I feel about you," Sizhui said quietly. "This just isn't the time. Not when you're like this."

"And what do you know about being like this?" Jin Ling demanded.

"I don't pretend to understand…"

"I don't want to feel like this anymore!"

"Do you think kissing me will change that?"

Jin Ling didn't answer. He studied his clean fingers.

"I don't want to make things more complicated for you," Sizhui said as he stood. "Tonight is bad enough."

Jin Ling nodded. He swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry I hurt you," Jin Ling mumbled.

"No harm done," Sizhui said. He bent and picked up the bucket. "Do you want her to stay outside after I've cleaned her?"

Jin Ling shrugged. "Depends on how well you do."

"I'll do my best."

For the first time since they'd returned to Jinlintai, Jin Ling didn't want to be alone. As soon as Sizhui had gone, he found himself counting the seconds until he returned. Being alone meant thinking, and thinking meant tearing himself apart.

Thankfully, it didn't take as long as he'd expected. In less than a half incense time, Sizhui stepped back into the lab with Fairy in tow. She seemed hesitant to enter, her ears pressed flat and her tail basically pinned to her belly.

Jin Ling scrutinized her every inch but found no trace of blood anywhere on her. Paws, muzzle, neck – nothing but black and white to be seen.

"What do you think?" Sizhui asked.

"She might be cleaner than I've ever seen her," Jin Ling remarked. "Which is saying something since she gets bathed every third day and even more often than that if she goes hunting."

Sizhui smiled brightly. "Do you want her to stay?"

The corner of Jin Ling's mouth twitched. He motioned for Fairy to come to him.

Her head snapped up and she watched him until he signaled again for her to come. Then, without hesitation, she bounded across the room and skidded to a halt in front of him, burying her face in his chest so that he might rub her neck.

"I'm sorry," Jin Ling murmured to her. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"She's an intelligent animal," Sizhui said, easing himself down on the ground beside them. "And she's got a good heart. I don't think she'll hold it against you."

"I hope you're right."

Fairy stepped back and forth over his legs, trying to figure out where she wanted to lie down. He cursed at her a few times when her nails scratched him, but she didn't give up on finding the perfect spot. She knew he didn't mean what he'd said.

Finally, she draped herself across his knees and let out a long sigh before closing her eyes.

"You must be tired too," Sizhui said, nudging Jin Ling's arm.

"And what about you?" he asked in return. "You're hurt. You should be resting."

"I rested enough. Jingyi's the one resting now."

"He fell asleep, so you snuck out?"

Sizhui laughed lightly. "He wanted to come see you too, but Zewu-jun told him he shouldn't."

"Why?"

"Because he doesn't know how to watch what he says."

Jin Ling chuckled. "No, he doesn't."

Sizhui carefully leaned against the wall behind him. "I imagine he'll come find us when he realizes that I'm gone. Feel free to send either of us away. You aren't obligated to entertain us."

"You came looking for entertainment?" Jin Ling asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, of course not. You know what I mean."

"Yeah."

The natural lull in their conversation brought with it the heavy reminder of why they were there in the first place. Even when he wasn't alone, Jin Ling found a way to make himself feel horrible again.

His eyelids were hot and swollen from crying, and yet, he apparently still wasn't done. More tears trickled down his cheeks. Jin Ling tried to covertly wipe his nose on his sleeve, but his movement drew Sizhui's attention.

He braced himself for whatever questions he was going to ask. 'Why are you crying again?' or 'What do you want me to do?' or worse, the dreaded 'It's going to be okay'.

But Sizhui didn't say anything. He raised his arm, grimacing a bit as he did, and wrapped it loosely around Jin Ling's shoulders.

Jin Ling tensed, not knowing how to react.

"I'm sorry for all that's happened today," Sizhui said, staring up at the ceiling. "It's not fair. It really isn't."

Jin Ling tried to dry his face, but his sleeves were damp already. He was embarrassed by how gross he'd made them.

"Here," Sizhui said, reaching into his qiankun pouch and producing a handkerchief. "You'll hurt yourself by rubbing constantly. Try this."

Rather than giving the cloth to Jin Ling, he raised it and gently pressed it to his cheeks, wicking away his tears without scrubbing his raw skin.

When their eyes met, Sizhui cleared his throat and quickly passed the handkerchief to him.

"I'm sorry," he said as Jin Ling took it. "I said I didn't want to make things complicated for you."

Jin Ling smirked. "It's a relief to know I didn't misread that."

"Of course you didn't. Like I told you before, you already know how I feel about you."

Jin Ling folded the little cloth and placed it on his lap beside Fairy. "But aren't you and Jingyi…? God, I shouldn't have kissed you. I'm sorry."

"Jingyi and I haven't decided anything yet," Sizhui said. "Everything has been so… messy. We wanted to leave time for things to settle down."

"Oh."

He didn't know what to think of that. It was different – messy – now that Jiang Cheng had, in essence, given his blessing. A weight had been lifted from Jin Ling's shoulders only for new ones to take its place.

"Do you think…?" Jin Ling started to say. The words tangled in his lungs. He bit his lip briefly and tried again. "Do you think he knew? My uncle, I mean. Do you think he knew about me?"

Sizhui squeezed his shoulders. "I think so. Zewu-jun told us that Sect Leader Jiang specifically requested that he - um - kiss him in front of you. Zewu-jun thinks he knew about you."

That news hit him like a ton of bricks. Sudden crushing guilt threatened to suffocate him.

"I never told him," Jin Ling said, voice quavering. "I should have told him. I thought he would disapprove! I thought – why did I think that of him?!"

Sizhui held him a little tighter. "I don't pretend to know his thoughts. But, if Sect Leader Jiang knew about you and also went to such lengths to make sure there would be no doubt as to his feelings on the matter, maybe he also knew that he hadn't been as clear as he could have been before? I don't think he'd be angry with you."

"You really don't know his thoughts," Jin Ling scoffed. "He's always angry about something."

Sizhui laughed.

But Jin Ling was still reeling. What was with all that he'd said about marriage, then? Did Jiang Cheng still expect him to marry appropriately and just didn't care what he did outside of that marriage?

Why had he said the things he had about cut sleeves? Was he truly a cut sleeve himself or had he merely asked Zewu-jun to help him demonstrate what he didn't have the strength left to say? If the latter was the case, he'd kissed Zewu-jun an awful lot for someone who wasn't interested in men.

"A part of me actually believed he would hurt me," Jin Ling whispered. "I made him out to be a monster in my head. Why did I think that of him?"

"I don't think he knows what you thought," Sizhui said.

"But I know."

Quiet fell between them for a time.

Then, Sizhui took a deep breath and said, "I still haven't told Hanguang-jun or Wei-qianbei about myself yet."

Jin Ling let out a half-laugh, half-sob. "Why? You can't be worried about what they'd think!"

"I'm always worried about what they would think," Sizhui said seriously. "I worry that maybe they wanted a different life for me. Or maybe Ning-shushu would have wanted me to carry on our bloodline, even if my children could never take our name."

"I don't-"

"I know it's silly," Sizhui said. "Deep down, I know they would be fine with it. Probably even happy. But the point is, if I'm worried about what they would think, I'm in no position to judge you for your reservations. I don't think you did anything wrong."

"Thank you," Jin Ling said quietly.

Even though he still felt guilty, he felt maybe a little better after Sizhui had confessed that to him.

"Do you want to go to bed?" Sizhui asked.

Jin Ling shook his head. "I look terrible. I don't want to walk past everyone."

"Not terrible," Sizhui said, brushing a few strands of hair from Jin Ling's face. "But it's obvious you've been crying."

"I want to stay here."

"All right. Let's stay here."

Jin Ling rested his head on Sizhui's shoulder, finally comfortable enough next to him not to worry about how he should or shouldn't behave. If he didn't want him to lean on him, he would tell him so.

But Sizhui didn't tell him to go away. He moved his arm up from around his shoulders so he could run his fingers through Jin Ling's messy hair.

It grew darker and darker outside. With the clouds in the sky, they weren't going to be able to see a thing once the sun dipped below the horizon. Sizhui offered to find a lantern, but Jin Ling didn't want him to go. He was comfortable where he was and beginning to feel drowsy.

"What am I going to do?" Jin Ling muttered as Fairy began to snore. "If he's not here, what am I going to do? How am I supposed to do this on my own?"

"That's-"

BANG!

Sizhui and Jin Ling sprang away from one another as the door slammed open and a dim orange light spilled inside. Fairy was up in an instant, crouched low with hackles raised.

"You could have told me you were coming here!" said a familiar voice. "You knew I wanted to come too! Do you have any idea how hard it was to sneak past Zewu-jun?!"

The lantern in his hand stopped swinging, allowing Jin Ling to make out Jingyi's face at last.

"So much for sneaking," Sizhui said under his breath before speaking such that Jingyi could hear. "Come in and close the door!"

Jingyi did so, much more quietly than before. Sizhui turned to Jin Ling.

"Do you want us here?" he asked.

"Yes," Jin Ling said simply. For the first time since, well, ever, Jin Ling didn't feel embarrassed to admit he wanted their company.

Jingyi sauntered over to them and plopped down. He gave Fairy a quick pat on the head. Satisfied that he wasn't a threat and eager for more attention, Fairy nuzzled Jingyi's hand again, earning herself a few extra scratches behind her ears.

Jingyi set the lantern off to one side and leaned in closer to study their faces.

"What are you two doing here in the dark?" he asked teasingly.

"Nothing," Sizhui said. "Jin Ling was alone. I asked if he wanted visitors."

When Jingyi met Jin Ling's eyes, his air of boyish mischief faded.

"How are you?" he asked.

"How do you think?" Jin Ling answered sullenly.

"Yeah, stupid question."

His gaze dropped to the floor. He reached up and pet Fairy again while firelight danced in the lantern.

Eventually, he spoke again.

"Do you – I mean, can I-?" Jingyi stammered, casting furtive glances up at Jin Ling. "Can I hug you? I really want to give you a hug."

Jin Ling laughed a little. "Sure."

As soon as he'd given permission, Jingyi threw his arms around him, nearly knocking Jin Ling over. He held him so tightly it made Jin Ling's injured ribs ache. But he didn't complain. It felt too nice to be held to bother worrying about a little twinge in his side.

He buried his face in Jingyi's shoulder and squeezed him just as tightly.

"I'm not supposed to talk," Jingyi said in his ear, "but I want you to know I'm sorry. I'm really truly sorry for everything that's happened."

Jin Ling didn't answer except to hug him a little tighter.

When Jingyi started to loosen his hold, Jin Ling shifted away.

"Wait a moment," Jingyi said quietly, pulling him back.

Jin Ling laughed at him but stopped immediately when Jingyi grabbed either side of his face, sat up a little taller, and kissed the top of his head.

"Jingyi," Sizhui said, his tone bordering on testy.

"I know, I know!" Jingyi said, pulling away from Jin Ling and waving his hands dismissively. "I'm not supposed to confuse him! I didn't kiss him on the mouth! It's fine!"

Sizhui rolled his eyes. Jin Ling's cheeks burned. He was worried Sizhui might be upset by what Jingyi had done, but when he caught sight of the brief smirk that appeared on his face, Jin Ling was simply confused.

He'd thought Sizhui and Jingyi were going to be together. That's what he'd told them to do anyway. But then, what had Sizhui meant when he'd said he and Jingyi were leaving time for everything to settle down? Were they not going to be together?

Jin Ling frowned and looked back and forth between the two of them, but neither explained a thing.

Instead, Jingyi got to his feet, bringing the lantern with him.

"Where are you going?" Sizhui asked him.

"Can't bear to be quiet anymore?" Jin Ling heckled.

Jingyi stuck his tongue out at him. "No. I'm going to get something nice to lie on since it seems the young mistress has finally given up on the finer things in life to spend the night in this creepy laboratory."

"It's not creepy," Jin Ling insisted. "And stop calling me that."

"Whatever," Jingyi said. "I'll be right back."

He took his leave and for a moment, it seemed like Fairy was going to go with him. She trotted along behind him but stopped short of leaving the room. Once the light had disappeared into the hallway, she came walking back to them and put her head in Jin Ling's lap once more.

"Traitor," he muttered jokingly as he stroked her back.

"We aren't bothering you, are we?" Sizhui asked him in a strange voice.

"No," Jin Ling said, trying and failing to make out his face in the dark. "He confused me a bit with… all of that, but no, you aren't bothering me."

"Sorry. I told him to keep talking and… touching-" Jin Ling snorted at his word choice, "-to a minimum. He ignored both, of course."

"Didn't you have your arm around me not so long ago?"

"Yes, I know. I haven't been great about it either."

"Don't worry about it," Jin Ling said, sitting back against the wall again. "I kicked Yu Qingqi and my own dog out. If I wanted to kick you two out, I would."

Sizhui laughed softly. "Good point."

Sizhui yawned then and Jin Ling remembered how early Lans usually turned in for the night.

"You don't have to stay here," Jin Ling said. "You could go to bed. You probably should so that you can heal better."

"I want to stay," Sizhui said. "I'll sleep on my side. My back will be fine."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm sure."

Sizhui scooted closer to him but didn't put his arm around him again, even though Jin Ling wished that he would.

After a brief silence between them, Jingyi crashed through the door, scattering pillows and sheets all over the floor. He spun around, lantern swinging violently in his hand, and hurriedly closed the entrance.

"What the hell?!" Jin Ling exclaimed. "Are there corpses chasing you? Why do you keep barging in like that?!"

"Zewu-jun," Jingyi panted. "He almost caught me."

"What exactly do you think he's going to do to you if he does?"

"Make me feel bad about my choices."

Jin Ling couldn't tell if he was serious or not. Neither Jingyi nor Sizhui smiled.

"That's all you brought?" Jin Ling asked, eying the tall stack of pillows and comparably meager pile of wadded up sheets. "It's cold in here! Why didn't you bring more covers?"

"I can only carry so much!" Jingyi cried, chucking a pillow at Jin Ling's face. "And Sizhui needs more cushion. I'm not going to let him lie here on this floor, getting dirt in his wounds."

"His back is covered!" Jin Ling said, pointing at Sizhui's robes. "How's he gonna get dirt under his clothes?"

"He sleeps naked. Hasn't he told you?"

"I do not!" Sizhui shouted.

Jingyi cackled and gently tossed a few pillows at him. Sizhui caught them clumsily and busied himself arranging them as a bed. Jin Ling didn't even try to hide his amusement. He cackled right alongside Jingyi.

"You two are impossible," Sizhui mumbled. Even though he kept his head down, Jin Ling could still see the smile that pulled at the corners of his lips.

Jingyi handed a sheet to Jin Ling first and then to Sizhui. Maybe Jin Ling was imagining it, but he could have sworn his fingers lingered over Sizhui's.

What the hell was going on with all of them?!

"Guess I'm going to freeze to death tonight," Jin Ling said, holding the thin blanket by its edge. "Where did you get this from?"

"The room we were in, you brat," Jingyi retorted. "You'll take that or you can go get your own. I'm not running around the whole place to find some silk blanket made from spun gold thread or whatever."

"Tch. Ass."

"Spoiled punk."

"Please!" Sizhui cried in exasperation.

They'd only been play fighting, but Jin Ling could understand why Sizhui might not have known. He'd been caught between the two of them so often, it made sense that he would assume they really were at each other's throats.

Jin Ling and Jingyi settled down. They cocooned themselves in their sheets and curled up on the floor. There was plenty of space between Sizhui and Jin Ling and then Jin Ling and Jingyi to not be misconstrued as anything inappropriate. Fairy curled up by Jin Ling's feet, which he considered odd since she very easily could have squeezed herself between him and Jingyi to sleep in her usual spot.

Jin Ling sighed and started to close his eyes only to have Jingyi speak up again.

"We're really going straight to sleep?" he said. "I missed all the fun earlier, huh?"

"Fun?" Jin Ling repeated hollowly, recalling how he'd nearly fallen apart because he couldn't get Jin Guangyao's blood off his hands. "You didn't miss anything fun."

"Hm, well you still don't look like you're having much fun," Jingyi said, reaching over and poking Jin Ling in the middle of his forehead. "How well are you going to sleep with all that racket in there?"

"I thought you weren't supposed to talk," Jin Ling said crossly.

"Jingyi, please be quiet," Sizhui said. He sounded like he was already half-asleep.

"Fine."

Jingyi sighed and turned over to blow out the lantern. The room was plunged into near absolute darkness. Jin Ling could barely make out Jingyi's form beside him.

He rolled onto his back and stared into the abyss above him. As it turned out, Jingyi had had a point. It was going to be hard to sleep.

Jin Ling was exhausted. His swollen eyelids longed to close. But the longer he laid there, the more he saw them. The dark was the perfect canvas for his imagination.

He saw Jin Guangyao, still lying in the courtyard of Nightless City as the crows picked at his body. What had his final thoughts been? Had Jin Ling crossed his mind at all?

Will you finally be able to hate me like you wanted?

The scene playing on the ceiling shifted. He saw Jin Guangyao, alive and standing now. He heard him ask that question before plunging his cursed golden dagger deep into Jiang Cheng's stomach.

Isn't this what you really wanted?

He wrenched the blade upward. Jiang Cheng fell backward, blood flowing freely from his gaping wound. His gray eyes stared at Jin Ling. His lips were moving. He was trying to tell him something, but Jin Ling couldn't understand him…

Jin Ling sat bolt upright, breathing hard.

"You can't have fallen asleep and had a nightmare that quickly," Jingyi teased.

But Jin Ling wasn't really listening. He felt sick to his stomach. He leaned over his knees and swallowed hard to keep from vomiting.

"Hey, hey, talk to me," Jingyi soothed, moving closer to him. "Do you want me to relight the lantern? Is it the dark that's getting to you?"

"No, I…"

Jin Ling wracked his brain for something, anything to distract him. Something he could ask Jingyi to do or say to take his mind off of the horrible revelation he'd had.

"Tell me about your parents," he said at last.

Even in the dark, he could see Jingyi balk at his request.

"What? Why?" he asked.

"I don't want to think about my family anymore," Jin Ling said. "Tell me about yours."

"Uh won't that maybe have the opposite effect?"

"Why are you so secretive? Why does Sizhui know and I don't?"

"I grew up with Sizhui," Jingyi said matter-of-factly. "Of course he's going to know more about me than you do."

"Then tell me. Catch me up."

"Ugh fine. What do you want to know?"

Jin Ling paused for a moment, listening to try to figure out whether or not Sizhui was still awake. He was very quiet, but his breathing didn't sound quite slow enough to be sleeping. Jin Ling was certain that he was listening to them.

"You're not a Lan. How did you become one?"

"No lead up at all, huh?" Jingyi quipped. He then carried on in a more serious tone, "My parents were part of one of the subsidiary clans to the Lans. Once I was old enough, I would be able to tryout to be taught in the Cloud Recesses, but I could never receive the same teachings as an inner disciple. That's reserved for blood."

"Right," Jin Ling said.

"But during the Sunshot Campaign, all the clans were desperate for soldiers. Sure, they could draft as needed, but drafted soldiers don't fight like volunteers do. Clans were willing to reward volunteers for their service."

"Your parents volunteered to fight in the Sunshot Campaign so you could become an inner disciple of the Lan Clan?" Jin Ling asked, astonished.

"For some fucking reason," Jingyi said. "In all honesty, I would have preferred to have them alive. But at least the Lans kept their word.

"So yeah, my parents died just so I could learn some fancy cultivation techniques that I'm not even good at. It's an exciting story. Love telling it."

"That's not true," Sizhui cut in, speaking before Jin Ling could think of a response. He shifted closer to them. "You're a very good cultivator. You only struggle with the instruments."

"Music is the Lan specialty!" Jingyi cried. "That's what they wanted me to learn!"

"That's not the only unique part of Lan cultivation. And besides, you have musical skill."

"Wait," Jin Ling cut in. "Have you used your singing on corpses before?"

"I-"

"He has," Sizhui said proudly. "It was incredible to watch. If he works on it a little, his voice might rival my guqin."

"You're teasing me," Jingyi pouted.

" I'm the one who teases you," Jin Ling said. "Not Sizhui. He means it. And he's probably right."

"Yeah whatever," Jingyi said huffily. "Was there something else you wanted to know or can I go to sleep now?"

"I thought you were adamant about staying up just a moment ago?" Jin Ling said.

"That was before you started interrogating me."

Jin Ling's stomach twisted uncomfortably. "I… I guess I shouldn't have asked. It was intrusive."

"It was, but it's fine," Jingyi said. "You were going to learn about it sooner or later. Might as well use your gravely wounded family member card while you've got it."

"Jingyi!" Sizhui admonished.

But Jin Ling wasn't offended. He chuckled as he lowered himself back down onto the hard floor.

"Thank you for telling me," Jin Ling muttered as Jingyi settled down beside him. "I'm sorry about your parents."

"It's okay," Jingyi said. "I hardly remember them. Zewu-jun has raised me more than they did."

"Really? Zewu-jun was the one who took you in?"

"Yeah," Jingyi answered with a disbelieving laugh. "Jumped at the opportunity too. He bent over backward to make me feel at home. I resented him for about a month before I gave up. He's a really difficult person to hate.

"Hanguang-jun and Zewu-jun certainly have a penchant for taking in strays. Right, Sizhui?"

"You speak of yourself as if you're a dog," Sizhui replied.

"I spoke of you the same way."

"I noticed."

Jin Ling laughed softly and started to close his eyes.

In the quiet that followed their conversation, he became aware of just how close to him Sizhui and Jingyi were lying. He felt Sizhui's breath ruffle his hair. And if he reached out a few centimeters, he would touch Jingyi's arm.

He didn't say anything though. He enjoyed their proximity, even if it made him a bit nervous.

Luckily, he didn't stay nervous for long. The emotional and physical exhaustion from the day hit him at full force.

He drifted off into a fitful sleep, waking every now and then to find Jingyi and Sizhui right where he'd left them.

At one point, he woke to find his head and arm resting on Jingyi's chest. He must have rolled closer to him in his sleep.

And he wasn't the only one who'd moved. Sizhui, too, had rolled closer. His arm was draped across Jin Ling and his legs had curled up under his, such that Sizhui's whole body was wrapped around the outside of Jin Ling's.

It was so warm. Jin Ling was surprisingly cozy there, nestled between the two of them. So, he simply shrugged and went back to sleep.

The embarrassment that would greet him in the morning would be better than his despair.