He was waiting, waiting in limbo. He prayed for the dark to take him. No longer did he care where he would go or what would happen after. Anything not to wake up again.

Beg me to show you mercy.

He would pray. He wouldn't beg. And he certainly wouldn't beg him .

But his prayers would go unanswered, as they so often did.

The pain started in his middle and spread from there. His broken arm and leg, the aching of his muscles, the stinging of his ribs as he struggled to pull in air beneath their crushing weight. He'd been returned to his misery once more.

"No," he breathed. "Not again."

"No, it's different this time, Sect Leader Jiang," he heard Luo Qingyang say, though her voice sounded as if he were listening to her from underwater. "We're healing you. You're going to recover."

Let me die. I can't do this anymore.

He longed to say that to her, but he couldn't.

He'd said he would stay. He remembered that. He said he would stay for Jin Ling.

So, Jiang Cheng concentrated on lying still as the feeling returned to his body.

"It's hot," he muttered.

Sweat dotted his brow and ran down his neck. His flesh was stiflingly warm. Even the air he breathed felt hot.

"Give me that," a familiar voice said.

Jiang Cheng finally opened his eyes just enough to see Jin Ling seated beside him.

He dipped a towel into a bucket of water. When Jin Ling turned to place it on his forehead, he noticed Jiang Cheng was awake.

"Jiujiu!" he said excitedly. "How do you-?"

"You're not supposed to be here," Jiang Cheng said, voice hoarse.

Jin Ling, in his usual manner, rolled his eyes at him. "I don't need you to protect me. I've seen worse. I want to be here."

He placed the cool towel on him. It helped and Jiang Cheng appreciated it, but it changed nothing.

"I don't want you here," he said.

"Why not?" Jin Ling snapped. "You want Luo Qingyang but not me? How does that make sense?"

"She's agreed to help me with something."

"And I'm not helping?"

"No."

Jin Ling clicked his tongue against his teeth. "Why do you have to be so impossible?"

Jiang Cheng didn't respond. The pain was worsening. Pretty soon, he wasn't going to be able to hide it.

"Your uncle doesn't feel well, Jin Ling," Luo Qingyang said. "Perhaps you should give him the space he wants."

Jin Ling turned red. He scowled, bit back whatever it was he'd been about to say, and stood abruptly.

"Fine. Be alone then," he said huffily before storming out of the room.

"Dramatic," Jiang Cheng muttered.

"He learned it from you, I'm sure," Luo Qingyang said.

Jiang Cheng glared at her. His annoyance didn't last long, though. A sharp blade drove upward nearly the length of his abdomen. He cried out and reached for the weapon that wasn't there, trying to pull it from his belly.

"Please lie still, Sect Leader," said the doctor who wasn't actively healing him. "You aren't strong enough to be moving around yet."

"Watch me," Jiang Cheng growled.

He pressed his hands against the wound to stem the bleeding, but there was nothing there. He wasn't bleeding.

"Can't you put more effort into dealing with his pain?" Luo Qingyang asked.

"Not right now," the doctor said. "He's very weak. We need to wait and see how he responds to treatment."

"Can't he respond to it without feeling like he's dying?"

"He still hasn't received all the blood he needs. Pain will keep his heart working hard while we acclimate his body to the blood he has."

Luo Qingyang didn't seem satisfied with that answer. Jiang Cheng wasn't satisfied either. He was being gutted over and over again. It didn't feel like he was being healed at all.

But there was no further argument from Luo Qingyang and Jiang Cheng didn't have the energy to advocate for himself. So, the doctors kept working and Jiang Cheng did his best to lie still, especially when they threatened to tie him down again.

After what felt like hours, they finally stopped. Both doctors had taken turns channeling qi into him, trading when they were starting to feel fatigued.

"We're going to leave you alone for a while," said one doctor. "You are well enough to drink water, but don't try anything else."

The thought of drinking anything, water included, made Jiang Cheng sick. He wasn't going to be trying it in a hurry.

"Take some time to rest while we adjust your treatment plan."

"You're going to leave him alone?!" Luo Qingyang remarked. "He's only just woken up!"

The doctor nodded. "And he's doing much better than before. We would rather he rest now. Being woken constantly is enough to drive one mad."

Jiang Cheng didn't understand how he was supposed to rest with the stabbing in his stomach, but he was tired of the doctors' presence and didn't care what it took to get them out of his room. They were flippant and unconcerned by his discomfort. If they weren't going to give him anything for the pain, they didn't need to stick around.

The bright morning sun glared into the room. Jiang Cheng turned away from the merciless light, head aching.

He noticed Luo Qingyang was still there, refusing to leave even after the doctors had gone. She was idling near the table where they'd left water for him.

"You're not going to make me drink that, are you?" he asked.

"No."

She wouldn't look at him. For someone who was usually so boldly confident, Luo Qingyang was acting quite awkward.

"You don't have to stay," Jiang Cheng said. "They said I could be alone."

"Yes, well I disagree," she said.

"Are you a doctor?"

"No, but if I wanted to be, I bet I'd make a better one than you would."

Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and immediately regretted it as his nausea flared again.

"Not going to argue with me?" she asked.

"Later," Jiang Cheng said. "Not now."

She scowled. "See? They were wrong to leave you here alone. You're obviously still dying."

"Oh just go. You don't want to be here."

"No, I don't. But I promised no one would check your meridians. I can't keep that promise if I'm gone."

Jiang Cheng waited a moment to answer, letting another wave of pain come and go before he said, "Once I'm healed, you won't need to keep doing that."

"In that case…"

She approached him. Her determination made him inexplicably nervous and Jiang Cheng tried to move away, but his wounds made for a torturous effort. It wasn't worth it.

"Sit still, you idiot," Luo Qingyang said. "Where do you think you're going?"

She pressed two fingers against his wrist.

"What are you doing?" he demanded.

Luo Qingyang released him. She shook her head. "You're not healed yet. Big surprise. It's only been a day and you've had no blood."

"Did you just-?!"

"Check your meridians?" she finished for him. "Yes. I promised no one else would do it. There's no reason why I shouldn't."

"I didn't say that you could!"

Yelling at her made the weight on his chest grow heavier, but he didn't care.

"I already know enough about what happened to you," Luo Qingyang said. Though her tone was angry, there was a softness in it that Jiang Cheng hated. "If you want me gone, you should allow me to check in on your healing. It should take about a week. After that, we'll be free of each other."

"I'm telling you to go," Jiang Cheng growled. "You can be free of me now."

"Hm."

Rather than leave, Luo Qingyang took a seat, crossing her legs and staring resolutely out the window.

Jiang Cheng wanted to yell at her again, but he hadn't recovered his breath from last time. So, he lay there, fuming and wondering why he'd ever entrusted his secrecy to Luo Qingyang.

But the more he thought about it, the more something occurred to him.

When at last he'd regained his breath, he asked her, "Have you stayed this whole time?"

"Oh, started to realize I'm actually helping you, have we?"

Jiang Cheng clenched his fist.

"Not the whole time," Luo Qingyang admitted when it was clear that he wasn't going to say anything. "The others made me take time to rest. I left Wei Wuxian here to watch over you. He made sure no one invaded your privacy."

"Wei Wuxian was here?"

Luo Qingyang looked at him then, concerned. "You didn't know?"

"I… I thought he was," Jiang Cheng said. "I assumed I was dreaming."

"Was it the dream talking, then?"

"What?"

"You asked for him," she said. "You asked him to come."

Jiang Cheng was both surprised and not. It was all fuzzy in his head. He remembered wanting Wei Wuxian to be there. He didn't remember saying anything though.

His face grew hot.

"That's the most color I've seen on you yet," Luo Qingyang said, smirking. "What are you embarrassed about? He was like family to you, wasn't he? It's not that strange that you would call for him."

"We aren't family anymore," Jiang Cheng snapped.

Luo Qingyang scoffed, "You speak as if it was his fault."

"And what do you know about it?!"

"Nothing really," she said.

"Stay out of it."

"Fine."

She went back to her window and he went back to fuming.

"If you really want me to go, I will," she said after a time. "But don't blame me if the doctors come back."

"I think they've got the idea of what is and isn't allowed," Jiang Cheng said sourly. "Besides, I'm awake now."

"Very well."

She drew herself up, smoothed the front of her lavender hanfu, and strode to the door. Luo Qingyang paused before leaving.

Without turning back, she asked, "Do you want me to send Wei Wuxian to you?"

"Where is he now?"

"He lost a lot of blood trying to revive you," she said. "He's gone to receive treatment himself. I'm sure he's doing better."

Jiang Cheng felt an uncomfortable twinge of guilt.

"What an idiot," he breathed, trying and failing to keep the affection from his voice.

Luo Qingyang noticed. She finally looked back at him, expression soft.

"You don't need to send for him," Jiang Cheng said gruffly.

"He wants to be here, you know. He didn't want to leave," she said. "I imagine he'd be thrilled if you asked for him again."

"You might be surprised."

"Or maybe you would be."

He didn't know why his throat constricted like it did or why the arched ceiling swam overhead. But he shook his head slightly, hoping it would pass.

"Don't send for him," he whispered without looking at Luo Qingyang. "He's resting anyway."

"Okay," she said, sounding disappointed. "Is there anyone else you'd like to keep you company? You've sent Jin Ling away, but I can think of at least one other person who might like to know how you're doing."

"Who?"

She looked at him like he was the stupidest person she'd ever seen. "Zewu-jun."

"Oh."

It was poor timing for his wound to act up again. Jiang Cheng closed his eyes, grimaced, and pressed his head back against the bed.

"Not the reaction I'd expected," she said slowly. "If you don't want to see him, you could simply say so."

"No, it's not – I didn't-" Jiang Cheng hissed, gritting his teeth against the pain. He couldn't concentrate enough to say what he intended.

Luo Qingyang seemed to understand what had happened though. She waited patiently for him to regain control of himself.

"If he wants to, that's fine," he said, his stomach twisting into knots around the imaginary knife. "You don't need to send him here. He doesn't have to come."

"All right," she said, annoyed. "I'll tell him all of that, then. Should I say it the way that you did just now, flustered and pathetic?"

"Get out."

"Buh-bye."

He heard her laughing to herself until the door shut behind her, making him wonder just how thick that wood was to be able to block sound so completely.

Finally alone, Jiang Cheng tried to sleep, but he couldn't get comfortable. His head was pounding and any time he got close to dozing off, that invisible blade would return to carve open his stomach. It was almost as bad as being revived again and again.

After the third try, he gave up and gazed up at the ceiling. Thoughts rolled around in his head, tormenting him when his physical wounds weren't distracting enough. Yanli and Wei Wuxian and Jin Ling and Xichen – they ranged from embarrassing to distressing. None of them were good.

By the time he heard the quiet knock on the door, Jiang Cheng was relieved to have the distraction.

"Who is it?" he called hoarsely.

There was no answer, but the door cracked open.

"Hello?" Jiang Cheng said.

"Is it all right if I come in?" Xichen asked quietly.

Jiang Cheng's heart skipped a beat. "If you want to."

The door opened the rest of the way and in stepped Lan Xichen. He hadn't changed or washed up since Nightless City. Blood stained his white robes, some of it his and some of it Jiang Cheng's. His hair was unkempt and he walked gingerly, making Jiang Cheng suspect that he hadn't yet received treatment for his injuries.

Haggard as his appearance was, he still managed to look exceptionally beautiful. Jiang Cheng did and didn't want to look away as he approached him and sat down beside the bed.

"How are you?" Xichen asked gently.

"I've been better," Jiang Cheng said.

"You've also been worse. Much worse. You're looking stronger than when I last saw you."

"Uh, good."

Had he always been this weird around Xichen? Surely not. Speaking to him would have been unbearable.

"I don't mean to make you uncomfortable," Xichen said. "Please don't worry about how we left things. That's something we can sort out later. Right now, I'm here as your friend, if that's all right with you?"

Jiang Cheng sighed in relief and winced. "It is."

"Good."

Xichen leaned over and tapped lightly on the cloth that Jin Ling had draped over Jiang Cheng's forehead.

"Still damp," he said, "but not very cool. Would you like me to rinse it for you?"

"You don't have to do that."

Xichen exhaled and took the cloth anyway.

It felt wrong to have him do anything for him after Jiang Cheng's last request. Asking to kiss him in front of everyone, was there anything more embarrassing he could have requested? Why did Xichen want to be anywhere near him after that?

"I'm sorry," Jiang Cheng blurted out as the towel was replaced on his skin.

Xichen tilted his head. "You haven't done anything to be sorry for."

"What I asked of you in Nightless City… it wasn't appropriate."

He smiled then and even turned a little pink. "You don't need to apologize for that," Xichen said. "Like I said before, I don't want you to worry about that. Right now, you need to focus on healing."

"Sure."

He bit the inside of his cheek to keep quiet. Jiang Cheng didn't know how he was supposed to carry a conversation with Xichen when that stupid invisible knife could interrupt him at any time.

No rest. No company. At least it wasn't anything he wasn't used to.

"Are you all right?" Xichen asked, noticing Jiang Cheng's grimace.

"Fine," he said. "It comes and goes. Just have to wait for it to go."

Xichen watched him for a little while, his dark eyes impossibly warm. Jiang Cheng turned away.

"I don't claim to have known him well," Xichen said, "but I think your father would have been proud of what you did yesterday."

Jiang Cheng refrained from snorting. Xichen was only trying to be nice, but the idea that his father wouldn't have found some way to praise Wei Wuxian over him was laughable. He probably would have said his sacrifice in Nightless City was simply what was owed after his rude behavior during the rest of their journey.

"Thanks," Jiang Cheng said. "I'm not so sure, but thanks."

"Well, I'm proud of you," Xichen said resolutely. "I told you that your instincts were good. There's the proof of it."

It should have been patronizing to be told by a fellow sect leader that he was proud of him. But it wasn't. Jiang Cheng swelled with pride. For a short while, it was even easier to breathe.

"Thank you," he murmured.

Xichen smiled. "There's no need to thank me for the truth. You're a good man when you allow yourself to be."

"A good man, huh?"

Jiang Cheng recalled their conversation in the Scorching Sun Palace and how Jin Ling had wavered before stepping through the gate to join him.

"You saw our illusions, didn't you," Jiang Cheng said slowly. "You said in the palace that Jin Guangyao let you see all of them."

Xichen frowned. "He did. Yes."

"Tell me what he did to Jin Ling. You never told me all of it. You just told me to give him space."

He visibly recoiled. "No, I think it's best that he tell you himself if he wants to."

"He won't tell me," Jiang Cheng said. "I already have a pretty good idea anyway. I saw the way he looked at me. Tell me."

"I can't."

"How can I make it right if I don't know what's wrong? Help me, Xichen."

"I think you've already made it right," Xichen said. "At least a little bit."

"So it is about his feelings for that Lan boy," Jiang Cheng replied. Xichen's eyebrows shot up. "I knew about that. I've known about it for a while. I just… I didn't know what to say to him. I didn't know how to erase everything I've said before."

"I see."

"The point is, you don't need to protect him from me. I already know. So tell me what Jin Guangyao did to him."

Xichen dropped his gaze. "It isn't Jin Ling that I'm trying to protect."

"What?"

"You don't need to know," Xichen whispered. "Unless he wants to tell you, you don't need to know. Trust me."

"I do. Trust me, I do."

Xichen took a deep breath. All the joy had gone from his eyes. Although it saddened him to see him like that, Jiang Cheng needed to hear the truth. So, despite how much it seemed to pain Xichen to tell him, he waited for that explanation anyhow.

Once it came, though, Jiang Cheng realized why he'd been so hesitant to share.

"I threatened to kill him?" he asked. He wasn't sure if his wounds were flaring up or if the pain in his chest was borne of guilt.

" You didn't threaten anything," Xichen said. "It wasn't you. Jin Ling knows that now if he didn't before."

"Obviously he didn't know!" Jiang Cheng shouted. "Did you see how he – ah!"

That time, it was certainly his wound. On instinct, his hand flew to his stomach. But just like last time, there was nothing there. He closed his eyes.

"Is there nothing I can do for you?" Xichen asked.

"No," Jiang Cheng said. "I think it's getting worse. Maybe you should go before-"

"Before it becomes unbearable?"

He opened his eyes again to find Xichen watching him, deeply concerned.

"I'm sorry I told you," Xichen said. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"You didn't do this. This is-"

"I saw it. What I told you was confirmation of what you were afraid of."

"And what is that?" Jiang Cheng asked between bouts of panting.

"Your dream of your sister," Xichen said. "You think you've failed Jin Ling."

"You think I haven't?"

Xichen shrugged. "I think Jin Ling wouldn't have gone through that gate at all if he really thought you would treat him that way."

"And I think," Jiang Cheng said heatedly, "if no part of him thought I was capable of that, he wouldn't have looked at me like he did."

"Maybe a tiny part of him-"

"If any part of him thought I might kill him, I've failed him, Xichen! Isn't that obvious?!"

Yelling wasn't making him feel better, but he couldn't help it. If he didn't do something, he was going to drown.

"Maybe you were right," Xichen said quietly. Jiang Cheng shut his mouth immediately. "Maybe you did need to hear what happened. But not for this. Not so you could tear yourself apart over it.

"Yes, your sister deserves to be alive. Yes, she deserves to have been the one to raise her son. But that doesn't mean you don't deserve to be here."

"I don't," Jiang Cheng muttered. "She would have hated to see how I've raised him."

"And you think she'd want you to lie here and feel miserable about it?"

"Well, I-"

Xichen placed his hand gently on Jiang Cheng's arm. "You have time now. You can make things better. But you're going to have to do something you're terrible at."

Jiang Cheng bristled. "What's that?"

"You're going to have to talk to him," Xichen said. "You're going to have to tell him things you've avoided saying. You have to trust him."

As much as he loathed being told he wasn't good at something, Jiang Cheng couldn't find the words to argue.

He pressed his head back and exhaled loudly. Xichen chuckled.

"The good thing is," Xichen said, "I think that the people you need to settle scores with the most are ready to hear what you have to say."

"I just have to say the right thing, huh?"

"No, I think you just need to talk to them. There are no magic words. Only honesty."

"Hm."

Agony washed over him yet again. This time, Jiang Cheng couldn't hold back his groan. The cloth on his forehead wasn't doing much anymore. He was burning up.

"It really is getting worse, isn't it?" Xichen asked.

"I think so," Jiang Cheng panted.

"What can I do?"

"Nothing. You should go."

The last thing he wanted was for his pain to get out of hand with Xichen there. It was embarrassing and he didn't want to put him in the position to have to try to make him feel better when there really was nothing he could do.

Xichen frowned. His grip on Jiang Cheng's arm tightened a little.

"I don't think it's a good idea to leave you on your own right now," Xichen said.

"The doctors seemed to think it was for the best."

Xichen's frown deepened. "Maybe you need different doctors."

"Maybe I need to be alone."

They stared each other down for a moment or two. It was the first time Jiang Cheng had seen Xichen be confrontational in that way. He kind of liked it, even if it didn't last long.

Xichen shook his head and sighed. "I'll leave if you want me to, but I'd prefer that someone stay here with you."

"I'd rather be alone."

"All right," he said, getting to his feet. "I'm going to have a word with your doctors, though."

"As long as I get some sleep before you force them to come back and check on me, I'll be satisfied."

Xichen chuckled. "Sleep then. I'll remove the silencing talisman from your door so you can call for assistance if you need it."

So that was why he couldn't hear Luo Qingyang once she was outside. The talisman must have worked both ways. The only chance of being heard was to knock.

"All right."

"I'll check in later, if that's all right?"

"Fine, fine," Jiang Cheng snapped. He was having trouble keeping still. "I'll see you then."

Xichen didn't seem offended. He patted his arm very gently before turning and leaving Jiang Cheng alone like he'd asked.

Back to misery.

The quiet times became few and far between. Jiang Cheng was certain he was sick with something. Even when he wasn't being gutted, he was too hot or too cold and his head was splitting open.

It got to the point where he needed to stick his hand in his mouth to keep from screaming. He knew there would be someone outside his room nearby, and he didn't need them to come to his rescue.

The sun outside burned brighter and brighter. A few times, he heard voices he recognized in the hall - Jin Ling asking if anyone had checked on Jiang Cheng lately and the Lan boys telling Lan Wangji that they were going out to find Wen Ning.

After a while, though, he stopped listening.

He stared at the ceiling wondering how much longer this part of his recovery would last. He'd only been awake for a day – less than that if he counted all the times he'd lost consciousness in the night – but already, he could feel the madness of sleep deprivation pulling at the corners of his mind.

He was a little more frayed around the edges, a little more likely to shout when he would normally talk, which was certainly saying something since he was prone to shouting as it was.

By the time another knock sounded tentatively from the door, Jiang Cheng's body was sore from all his shifting around.

"Who is it?" he asked, but his throat was so dry, barely any noise escaped it.

"It's me. I didn't know if – um - I didn't know if I could come."

The door creaked open, revealing Wei Wuxian standing outside, looking uneasy.

"Do what you want," Jiang Cheng said hoarsely.

Against all odds, Wei Wuxian came inside. Jiang Cheng didn't bother to hide his surprise.

Wei Wuxian inched across the room. His painstaking pace was exasperating.

"What do you think I'm going to do to you?" Jiang Cheng demanded. "I can't even sit up. Stop being a coward."

"There you go being mean again!" Wei Wuxian said loudly, spinning around to face the exit. "Guess I'll go."

"No-"

Jiang Cheng caught himself, but it was too late. Wei Wuxian turned back with a smirk.

"So you want me to stay, huh?" he said. "That wasn't delirium speaking before?"

Jiang Cheng scowled at him. "Don't flatter yourself. What makes you think it isn't delirium again?"

His smirk turned to a grin. "You're right. You look terrible."

"Still look better than you."

"No need to rub it in."

At last, Wei Wuxian took a seat in the empty chair.

"Really though," he said seriously. "You look unwell. I should get someone for you."

"No," Jiang Cheng said. "I need to sleep. That's all."

"You've had plenty of time to sleep. Look, you're shivering."

"I'm not."

"I can see it! Don't give me that!"

"It's not my fault I've only got this sheet!"

"Ask for a blanket then! Goodness, Jiang Cheng!"

Wei Wuxian got up, stomped around the foot of the bed, and came back with a folded hemp blanket, which he proceeded to throw over him as Jiang Cheng glared at him.

"There," Wei Wuxian said, "now you've got something to hold in all the heat of your rage. Better?"

"No," Jiang Cheng replied, still shivering.

"Give it time."

Wei Wuxian sat back down. Jiang Cheng watched him.

"I heard the doctors aren't giving you anything for your pain."

"Yeah, something about keeping my heart active," Jiang Cheng said. "It's certainly active."

"Hm. Sounds stupid."

"And what are you gonna do about it?" Jiang Cheng asked. "Xichen already said he would speak to them. You think you'd be more convincing?"

Wei Wuxian grinned. " Xichen," he said teasingly. "I've only just been given the honor of using 'Lan Xichen' instead of 'Zewu-jun'."

"Well consider yourself lucky," Jiang Cheng said. "If I had it my way, you'd kowtow every time you address him."

"What? Why?! I didn't do anything to him!"

"I know, but that way I wouldn't have to see that stupid smirk of yours when you talk to either of us."

"I only smirk when you call him Xichen."

"That's what he told me to call him!"

"Uh-huh. You're moving right up the ranks. Wonder why that is." Wei Wuxian stroked his imaginary beard, the way he used to when he would mock Lan Qiren.

"Didn't we already establish that I'm better-looking? There's your answer."

Wei Wuxian roared with laughter. Jiang Cheng honestly hadn't expected him to be so amused. He jumped.

"You're much easier to get along with when you're bedridden," Wei Wuxian said. "I think they should keep you like this."

"I swear, if you – damn it!"

Jiang Cheng gritted his teeth. He couldn't even make it through one short conversation. He wasn't sure if it was more or less embarrassing to have Wei Wuxian there rather than Xichen.

"To answer your previous question," Wei Wuxian said, grimacing sympathetically as he watched him, "I'm not going to talk to the doctors. I'm going to ignore them. Here."

He pulled a small burlap pouch from his robe and retrieved a gray pill from inside.

"Take this."

"What is it?" Jiang Cheng asked.

"It's for pain."

"What did you do?" he inquired suspiciously. "Steal it from their supply closet?"

"No. If you recall, I have a scrape of my own." Wei Wuxian gestured toward his chest.

Jiang Cheng scoffed. "A scrape? That's what you call it?"

"Doesn't matter what I call it. The point is, they gave me this for my pain, so they should have given some to you too."

But Jiang Cheng didn't take the pill. He stared at it as Wei Wuxian continued to hold it out for him.

"Go on then," Wei Wuxian urged.

"No, I don't want it."

"Are you kidding me? You can't sleep like this. You've gone all night and now it's nearly shen time. Aren't you tired?"

"Of course I am!"

"Then take it! You look miserable."

"I can't take it," Jiang Cheng insisted. "I'm not going to be able to keep it down."

Wei Wuxian raised his eyebrows. "You've been sick in here and no one's grabbed the doctors for you?"

"No, I haven't. But I know I will be if I take that. The idea of swallowing anything makes me ill."

Wei Wuxian folded his arms. "You've got two options: choke this down and sleep, or continue with this torture. What do you want?"

Jiang Cheng scowled at him. Wei Wuxian scowled right back.

"Give me the elixir," Jiang Cheng said.

"Good choice."

He handed it over and Jiang Cheng popped it in his mouth as quickly as he could. Forcing it down was the hard part. He ended up letting it sit on his tongue a little too long.

An acrid, bitter flavor seeped out. By the time he'd managed to swallow, he needed Wei Wuxian to get the water for him to wash it down with. He took only as much as was necessary to rinse the awful taste.

"How do you feel?" Wei Wuxian asked as Jiang Cheng gave him back the still mostly full cup.

"Fine," Jiang Cheng said. "Everything still hurts though."

"Of course it does," Wei Wuxian said casually, walking back around the bed to replace the cup on the table beneath the window. "You need to give it time to-"

All of a sudden, Jiang Cheng started coughing violently.

"Oh no," Wei Wuxian said under his breath.

He grabbed Jiang Cheng's arm and turned him over onto his side. Jiang Cheng screamed and seized the front of Wei Wuxian's robes. He coughed again. It felt like his insides were being ripped from his body.

"Think of something else," Wei Wuxian said desperately. "You need to keep that down or you're going to hurt more than you did before. You have to make all of this worth something, right?"

Jiang Cheng wanted nothing more than to punch him in the mouth.

When he heaved the first time, nothing came up, but he was certain he was going to pass out from the pain. Wei Wuxian reached up and pulled his hair back and out of his face.

"Come on, Jiang Cheng," he murmured encouragingly. "You can do this. You want to sleep, don't you?"

All Jiang Cheng wanted to do at that moment was yell at him, but he could only manage a pathetic whine.

"You're gonna be okay," Wei Wuxian said. "This will pass. Come on. Don't-"

The second heave did bring something with it.

A burning from the pit of his stomach rose all the way up to the back of his throat. He badly wanted to throw it up and be done, but he knew that what Wei Wuxian had said was true. If he didn't keep the pill down, there would be nothing to soothe his now aggravated injuries. He wouldn't have a single quiet moment after this. He needed to keep it down.

So, he clenched his jaw and swallowed the medicine again.

The edges of his vision grew blurry. His head lolled back.

"It's fine if you pass out," Wei Wuxian said. "You can't throw it up if you pass out."

His permission only made Jiang Cheng determined not to lose consciousness.

He tightened his grip on Wei Wuxian's robe. It didn't stop the room from spinning.

"Stubborn as ever," Wei Wuxian hissed. "Why won't you ever make things easy?"

Jiang Cheng merely groaned in answer. He coughed again.

"That was better at least," Wei Wuxian said. "Maybe you're winding down."

It didn't feel like he was winding down. His skin was on fire. A nail was being driven through his skull. And all the while, he was sure his insides had broken free of the bandage and were spilling over onto the floor.

He gasped for air, even though each breath was like a knife between his ribs. Tears ran down his face. He should have passed out like Wei Wuxian had suggested. Then he wouldn't have felt all of this.

That madness tugged a little harder at the frayed edges of his mind.

So, when Wei Wuxian asked if he was feeling any better after he still hadn't coughed or retched for a while, Jiang Cheng practically sobbed his answer, "I'm so fucking tired!"

"I know you are," Wei Wuxian soothed, unwinding Jiang Cheng's hand from the front of his robe and holding it between both of his own. "You're going to sleep soon."

"Why are you talking to me like this?" Jiang Cheng asked, still crying even though it hurt to do so.

"Don't ask stupid questions. Just close your eyes."

"You tried to fucking kill me with that pill, didn't you?"

Wei Wuxian snorted. "Yes, that makes a lot of sense. I put in that much effort to try to save your life so I could make a good impression in front of Jin Ling. But now that he's not here, I'm finally free to kill you in secret."

"I knew it," Jiang Cheng mumbled.

"You're joking, right?"

"As long as you are."

Wei Wuxian laughed softly. "Are you feeling any better then?"

"No, fuck you!" Jiang Cheng cried, pulling his hand free so he could press it against his stomach. He was alarmed to find that he was still very much put together. No intestines on the floor. His bandage was still in place, though a little damp to the touch.

"Okay, I'm sorry," Wei Wuxian said.

Jiang Cheng barely heard him.

"I think I'm bleeding," he muttered.

"What? Let me look."

Wei Wuxian peeled back the blanket to see the blossom of red that had appeared in the center of Jiang Cheng's formerly pristine white bandage.

"Great," he breathed, "now we really do need a doctor."

"If you call a doctor," Jiang Cheng said, as his sharp pain finally dulled, "and I don't get to sleep after all of that, I'll kill you."

"What? Can you sleep now?"

"Almost."

"I still think-"

Jiang Cheng caught the edge of his robe before Wei Wuxian could walk away. Wei Wuxian tried to gently pull himself free to no avail.

"No doctors," Jiang Cheng said, panting from the effort of holding on.

Wei Wuxian shook his head. "What is your problem with doctors?"

"No doctors."

When he quit trying to walk away, Jiang Cheng released his robe and started to pull the blanket up but Wei Wuxian stopped him.

"Fine, no doctors," he agreed, "as long as you aren't bleeding too badly."

He inspected the bandage again, even poking at the edges lightly, which Jiang Cheng didn't appreciate. When he was satisfied, he pulled the blanket back up himself.

"No doctors," Wei Wuxian assured him. "Do you want that cloth on your head again?"

He pointed at the damp towel lying next to him. It had fallen off of him when Wei Wuxian had rolled him onto his side.

"No," Jiang Cheng said, "I'm freezing."

"Okay."

Wei Wuxian picked up the towel and placed it next to the cup on the table. Jiang Cheng resumed his shivering.

"All right then," Wei Wuxian said, turning back around to face him. "Move over."

"What?" Jiang Cheng snapped. "No. Why? What are you doing?"

He had bent and started pulling off his boots. "You're cold and I'm tired, so I'm getting in there."

"No you aren't," Jiang Cheng growled. "Go sleep somewhere else."

"Can't do that," Wei Wuxian said, straightening. "If you won't let me call the doctors, I can't very well leave you alone."

"Sleep on the floor then."

"And pass up the chance to annoy you when you can't do anything about it? Absolutely not."

He put his foot up on the edge of the bed, testing to see what Jiang Cheng would do. Jiang Cheng tried to smack him away, but everything still hurt so much it wasn't going to be worth it. Not until the medicine started working a little more, at least.

"I thought you already rested," Jiang Cheng said. "Why do you need to sleep again?"

"I'm always tired. Let me in here."

"No."

"You can't stop me."

"Go away."

"No, I want the blanket."

"Then take the fucking blanket."

"I want the bed too."

"No, get out."

There was less than a quarter of the bed available to him, and yet Wei Wuxian somehow wormed his way in. He pulled the blanket over himself and wiggled around a bit to get comfortable. He was much too close.

"Why are you doing this?" Jiang Cheng asked, feeling defeated. "I just want to sleep."

"Me too," Wei Wuxian said brightly.

"I can't sleep like this."

"Sure you can. It's easier when you close your eyes, though."

Jiang Cheng groaned. "You're breathing in my face."

"Well I need to breathe."

"Not on me, you don't."

Jiang Cheng rolled onto his back to put more space between the two of them. He regretted it immediately.

"You're so dramatic," Wei Wuxian said as Jiang Cheng screwed up his face against his self-inflicted pain. "Was it worth it?"

"Definitely," Jiang Cheng said. "Now I don't have to smell your breath."

"Doesn't seem like it was worth it. You sound like you got punched in the stomach."

"You're gonna be punched in the stomach if you don't shut up."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

Jiang Cheng curled his hand into a fist. He wanted so badly to hit him, but it would mean twisting and thus moving his stab wound. So, he used his other arm to elbow him as hard as he could in the ribs instead.

"Ow! All right! I'll be quiet!" Wei Wuxian yelled.

He settled down on his tiny section of the bed while Jiang Cheng stared at the ceiling. Second by second, his pain was abating, but he felt very strange to be lying next to Wei Wuxian like they used to do when they were kids. He still couldn't fall asleep.

Was Wei Wuxian trying to act like nothing had happened between them? What was this game that he was playing?

There are no magic words.

"Do you feel better yet?" Wei Wuxian whispered in his ear.

Jiang Cheng made a face and moved his head away. "Some."

"Do you feel dizzy? Do you think you're bleeding a lot?"

"I thought you were going to be quiet," Jiang Cheng snapped.

"I'm not very good at that."

"You never were."

Wei Wuxian sat up and lifted the blanket, allowing cool air to drift in again. Jiang Cheng cursed and drew his arm up to his chest to keep warm.

"What are you doing?" he asked as his shivering worsened.

"Checking your bandage."

Wei Wuxian reached for it, but Jiang Cheng caught his arm. For a brief moment, he saw the fear in Wei Wuxian's eyes – that fear that had become synonymous with Jiang Cheng's presence.

It hurt to see it.

Jiang Cheng let him go, and Wei Wuxian didn't reach for his bandage again. It seemed that they'd broken the façade. Even Wei Wuxian couldn't fake it anymore.

"I was trying to-"

"I know what you were trying to do," Jiang Cheng said shortly. "You told me."

"Right."

Wei Wuxian wouldn't look at him. He wouldn't lie back down either. The quiet between them was unbearable, and in reality, it wasn't very quiet at all. There were screams and shouts in the air between them – words and actions that could never be taken back.

He couldn't take it.

"I don't want you to forgive me," Jiang Cheng whispered at last.

He'd said it without thinking. It had spilled out before he could stop it.

Wei Wuxian finally looked at him with an anguish that Jiang Cheng hadn't expected.

"Me? Forgive you?" he breathed. "What is there to forgive?"

"Hilarious," Jiang Cheng said sarcastically. "We all know you were innocent back then. Everyone knows I made a fool of myself when I called you my enemy. My own father would have disowned me for the things that I did. The least you can do is acknowledge it."

Wei Wuxian shook his head, eyes glistening. "The things you accused me of were accurate. I wasn't careful in Muxi Mountain. My actions led to the massacre that destroyed your family. I went back on my promise to you-"

"To protect me," Jiang Cheng interrupted.

Wei Wuxian's eyes widened in surprise. Jiang Cheng couldn't blame him. He could hardly believe he'd said what he had either.

But he just kept talking. Truths kept spilling out, one after another.

"You broke your promise to me in order to protect the Jiang Clan and protect the Wen remnants," Jiang Cheng said. "I know that. I always knew that. I even agreed to it - to put on that huge show of our falling out. But I didn't want to agree to it. I didn't want you to protect me. I wanted you to stay with me. I wanted you to keep your promise."

"I know," Wei Wuxian said softly. "I didn't-"

"You did the right thing," Jiang Cheng said, unable to meet his gaze. "You did the only right thing left to you. It was the only option I gave you."

"It wasn't the only option. I could have tried to convince you to protect them. I could have tried harder and I didn't."

Jiang Cheng laughed harshly. "The you of the past knew when to abandon a lost cause," he said. "You and I both know that I never would have risked my clan to protect them. It didn't matter that I owed Wen Qing and Wen Ning for what they did for us. I let them die without ever raising a finger to help them. And to think, Wen Qing actually never…"

He finally managed to stop himself before he admitted something he really wasn't ready to admit yet.

Jiang Cheng wanted so badly to go back to being angry with Wei Wuxian. That fire had warmed him. This was drowning him.

But he couldn't go back. Not now that those new words hung in the air.

"Wen Qing kept your secret," Wei Wuxian said resolutely. "Whatever it was."

"I know," Jiang Cheng whispered, eyes stinging. "And I let her burn."

"There's nothing you-"

"I still don't know, even if I went back to then," Jiang Cheng continued, "if I would raise a finger to stop any of it. Would I stand up to protect you or them? I knew they were innocent back then and I still did nothing."

"Jiang Cheng-"

"Don't speak so kindly to me!" Jiang Cheng screamed. His wound protested, but he didn't care. "I don't want your kindness! You don't owe me your kindness! You owe me your hatred! That's what I want!"

"You want me to hate you?" Wei Wuxian asked blankly.

"Yes!"

Wei Wuxian seemed at a loss. He put up his hands in surrender.

"I'm too tired to hate you," he said. "Aren't you tired?"

"I'm fucking exhausted!" Jiang Cheng cried.

"Then stop," Wei Wuxian said. "Drop it. Don't speak of it. It's time to move forward."

"I can't."

"You can."

"I can't go back to the way things were," Jiang Cheng said, voice cracking. "I can't let go."

Wei Wuxian chuckled wryly. "I don't think we can go back to the way things were either. But we can be better than this. We can move on."

"No," Jiang Cheng insisted, "you can't forgive me. I don't want you to forgive me! I don't want you to help me or protect me or save my life! I can't take it!"

"What? You want me to stab you with that dagger? Finish you off?"

"It'd be better than being told once again all that you've done for me."

"Fucking hell, Jiang Cheng," Wei Wuxian hissed, pressing his palm against his forehead. "For the last time, I'm not keeping score. You're not indebted to me! I'm already erasing this from my infantile memory, okay? Would you stop with this? Please?"

"Can't you just hate me?"

"Can't you just act like a normal person?"

Jiang Cheng pushed his head back against his pillow. His body felt a lot better than it had, but their arguing was getting him worked up. The pain was returning.

"I don't want you to forgive me," Jiang Cheng muttered.

"Fine," Wei Wuxian said. "I won't forgive you. I'll just forget everything that happened instead. I bet you'll sound just as ridiculous to me either way, but at least if I scrub my memory, I don't have to keep being reminded of every terrible thing."

"You can't erase your memory at will."

"I'll figure out a way, mark my words."

Jiang Cheng glared at him. Wei Wuxian rolled his eyes.

"If you want me out of your life, I'll do my best to stay out of it," Wei Wuxian continued. "But I'm not using this second chance I've been given to waste my time being angry with you. I just want to be fucking happy, Jiang Cheng! Is that too much to ask?"

He swung his legs off the bed and pulled his boots toward himself. Jiang Cheng wiped his face.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm getting someone else to watch you," Wei Wuxian said stiffly as he put on his boots. "Who do you want? You're not staying here alone."

There were small faces hidden in the knots of the wooden beams above him. And every one of them was mocking Jiang Cheng for his failed attempt to do whatever it was that he'd tried to do.

Wei Wuxian stood and turned around to drape the blanket back over him.

"Well?" he prompted. "Who should I send for you?"

Jiang Cheng didn't answer at first. His throat was tight. He was suffocating.

When it let up a little, he found his voice again.

"Lie down," Jiang Cheng whispered.

"What?"

"Lie down," he said, a little louder.

Wei Wuxian frowned. "Uh, no. I don't know what you're up to, but-"

"Lie down!" he yelled. Then added quietly, "Please."

With great reluctance, Wei Wuxian slowly kicked his boots off again and crept to the edge of the bed. Jiang Cheng threw him part of the blanket without looking at him and Wei Wuxian eased himself back into place on his tiny section.

They laid like that, each rigid as a board. Wei Wuxian didn't move an inch, which was impressive since he was normally quite fidgety.

Over time, though, Jiang Cheng's discomfort fell away to nothing more than a dull ache. His head felt much better and his nausea had grown mild. It was impossible to hold his eyelids open any longer. They started to drift closed.

"You're not shivering anymore," Wei Wuxian said quietly.

"Mhm," Jiang Cheng replied, barely awake.

"I can sit in the chair now that you're warm."

"Stay."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I'm gonna fall asleep too if I lie here much longer."

"I don't care."

Wei Wuxian laughed softly. "About time."

He shifted around for a while to get comfortable. Eventually he was still again, but Jiang Cheng knew it wasn't going to last. He'd never been a peaceful sleeper when they were young and definitely not after they'd grown up either.

Somewhere between sleep and wakefulness, Jiang Cheng murmured one last truth.

"I miss you."

He hadn't expected an answer, but Wei Wuxian gave him one anyway.

"I'm right here."