"Stop that," Jin Ling said to Fairy, who was snuffling around his fingers with her wet nose as they walked. The annoyance in his tone was laughably false.

He'd been downright giddy for the past couple of days. Jiang Cheng was well on his way to making a full recovery and had been in a surprisingly good mood himself despite the fact that he was still struggling with physical exertion. He would even tease and joke with Jin Ling, something he'd never done often. Ever since he and Wei Wuxian had made things right between them (or as right as they could), Jiang Cheng was almost like a different person.

It was strange. But a good kind of strange.

Today, though, was especially exciting. Today, Sizhui and Jingyi were going to spend the day with him.

They hadn't had much time to talk to one another since Jin Ling had returned to his duties as sect leader, which he'd done almost as soon as the golden dagger had been used to revive his uncle. He'd been in meeting after meeting about the mess in Qishan and what Lanling should do to help those displaced from their homes. They'd also discussed ad nauseum the loose ends from the upheaval that had led to the Battle of Jinlintai.

But things were moving along smoothly, more or less, in that issue. So, Jin Ling figured it was a good time to take a break for a day and spend some time with the Lan juniors before they left for Gusu.

People stopped to bow to him as they passed him in the hall, but Jin Ling paid them little attention as he made his way out into the early afternoon sun.

An ocean of peonies greeted him with the soft rustling of their leaves and petals. The fresh air outside was a welcome change from the stuffy council chambers. A light breeze tousled his hair. The sun embraced him with warm arms.

Jin Ling paused to enjoy the moment, something he'd taken to doing a little more often lately, when Fairy took off sprinting across the courtyard.

"Hey!" Jin Ling called after her. "Where do you think you're going?!"

She turned the corner around a low wall and disappeared but only for a moment. Fairy popped up again as she barreled into the chest of a young man clothed in white.

"Hello to you too, Fairy," Sizhui said, smiling broadly as he caught her and held her aloft.

Fairy's tail went wild. She smothered Sizhui in kisses.

"Might as well be invisible," muttered Jingyi, who stood beside him.

Upon hearing him, Fairy redirected her attention, craning her neck to give him a few kisses on his cheek. Jingyi laughed and patted her head as she went back to Sizhui.

"I don't know when she decided she liked you two so much," Jin Ling said, coming to a halt in front of them.

"I don't know either," Sizhui said, "but I'm glad she does."

He buried his face in her fur, likely to keep himself from getting any slimier than he already was. Jin Ling was surprised that he could hold her up for so long without getting tired.

"Would you set her down?" Jingyi demanded, tapping his foot. "Didn't we have something important to discuss?"

Jin Ling's heart skipped a beat.

Sizhui giggled and reluctantly placed Fairy back on the ground. She gazed up at him, panting and wagging her tail furiously.

"We do have something to discuss with you," Sizhui said to Jin Ling. "Do you have somewhere the three of us could speak privately?"

"Uh..."

His mind immediately went to the willow tree by the lake at Lotus Pier. But they were very far from there and he was guessing they didn't want to fly all the way to a different province to talk.

"Don't you have meeting rooms?" Jingyi asked. "We could use one of those."

"I've been inside constantly," Jin Ling said. "We should find some place out here."

"Whatever you want," said Sizhui pleasantly.

He had a strange smile on his face, like he was far away even though Jin Ling could tell that he was looking at him. It was like he could see him but not see him at the same time.

Jin Ling's heart skipped another beat. What were they wanting to talk to him about?

"Lead the way," Jingyi said. "Wherever you think is best."

Jin Ling turned and started back across the courtyard, not exactly sure where he was going. They hadn't gone far, though, before a thought occurred to him and he led them over to the front doors, back into Jinlintai.

"I thought you wanted to be outside?" Jingyi said.

"I do. Keep up."

He heard Jingyi pick up his pace behind him and mutter something about stride length to Sizhui.

Jin Ling led the way on muscle memory alone. When they were only a few rooms from their destination, he began to realize that his choice of location could make things awkward, but it was too late to back out now.

"Interesting," Jingyi said with a sly smile as Jin Ling pushed open the door to his private quarters and motioned for them to follow him to the lotus pond outside.

The sun shone into Jin Ling's little garden and the air was permeated by the fragrance of lotus blossoms. It did indeed remind him of that fateful afternoon and he wondered if the smell of the lotus would always evoke such a strong response from him. He felt his cheeks grow warm.

"Shut up," he said curtly. "It's the only place outside that I can be sure no one will listen to us."

"No other reason you chose this spot?" Jingyi asked teasingly.

"Stop goading him," Sizhui said in exasperation. "You're not making a good case for yourself."

"Case for himself?" Jin Ling questioned.

Sizhui fiddled with his hair anxiously. Jingyi, however, wasn't nearly as bashful. His face split into a huge grin.

"We have a proposal for you," he said.

"Uh, okay? What is it?"

"First," Sizhui put in, "we need to know how you're feeling about… us. Are you interested in… have you changed your mind about anything… after everything that's happened?"

Jingyi rolled his eyes and shook his head as Sizhui turned bright pink and stared at the pond as if it were the most interesting thing he'd ever seen.

"Uh, even if I had changed my decision, what difference would it make?" Jin Ling said. "I already told you two to… I'm happy for you two."

His throat hurt to say it even though he meant it.

"I told you before that we haven't decided anything for ourselves yet," Sizhui replied.

"Yes, I thought you said you two were waiting for everything to calm down."

"We were."

"Everything has been as calm as it's going to be," Jin Ling said. "I figured you two would have already-"

"Okay well obviously we haven't," Jingyi snapped. He had one hand on his hip and was tapping his foot impatiently. "So answer the question. Are you open to being with a man or not?"

Jin Ling's face grew even warmer than it already was. Did he always have to be so blunt?

"I don't – there's no one else I'm interested in, so I don't-"

"That's not what I'm fucking asking you, though, is it?" Jingyi said hotly. "If Sizhui asked you, if I asked you, would you even consider it?"

Jin Ling's head was spinning. He still didn't understand why they were even bothering to pose this question to him. Everything would be simpler if they'd done what he'd told them to do in the first place.

"I don't know," Jin Ling said honestly.

Jingyi scowled. "I thought your uncle was the whole reason for your fears. What could possibly-?"

"What still worries you?" Sizhui asked kindly, levelling a warning look at Jingyi.

"I… I don't know," Jin Ling stammered. He picked at the cuff of his sleeve. "I'm a sect leader. You're my friends. I don't know."

"What does that-?!"

"Why don't we all sit down?" Sizhui suggested. Jin Ling noticed him lightly slap the back of Jingyi's hand with his own.

Jin Ling didn't answer. He merely pointed them toward the little wooden pier over the pond.

The planks creaked under their weight, but not so much so that they worried it wouldn't hold them. Jin Ling and Fairy sat down on the right side of the end while Jingyi took the left. Sizhui put himself between them.

Jin Ling appreciated the setup. He didn't have to look at either of them if he didn't want to. And he was finding more and more that he didn't want to.

"Okay," Sizhui said evenly, folding his hands primly in his lap. "You're a sect leader. Do you worry that your people won't take you seriously? Do you worry about other sect leaders? Explain your fear to me. Please."

Jin Ling let out a laugh somewhere between anxiety and frustration. "I don't see what it matters. It's nothing you two can fix. Everything is simpler if-"

"Maybe it would be simpler," Jingyi agreed. "But will you be happy?"

"That's not the point. I-"

"Why the hell wouldn't that-?"

" Jingyi," Sizhui hissed.

Jin Ling looked over in time to see Jingyi throw his hands up angrily.

"I'm sorry, but it's exactly the point, Jin Ling!" he cried. "Sizhui doesn't want me to be pushy in this, but if I don't push at all, what are you going to prioritize? Clearly not the things you want!"

"There are other things that have to come first," Jin Ling said, looking away from him to stare hard at the mirror-smooth pond surface. "I have responsibilities and-"

"So you kiss me, and Sizhui from the sounds of it, and this makes it so you can't still lead a sect?"

"It's more complicated-"

"How? How is it more complicated?" Jingyi demanded. "There have been sect leaders who have led differently from their predecessors. There have been leaders who have done awful things and those who have done good things, and the people still mostly followed them. The people of Lanling have seen stranger from their leaders, believe me… no offense."

Jin Ling snorted in spite of himself.

"And if you have no children?" Jingyi went on. "There's also no need to fret. So many leaders before you have been in that predicament. You can select your own replacement, which might be better honestly. I'd be worried that spoiled temperament of yours would pass to your children. Probably best not to have any."

Jin Ling picked up a small rock and chucked it at him, missing by about a meter. Jingyi gestured rudely in response.

"As far as inter-clan relations go," Sizhui cut in quietly. "Zewu-jun will take over in Gusu. It's only a matter of time. So you don't need to worry about our sect. Your uncle has made his own stance abundantly clear. And Sect Leader Nie seems friendly enough with all of us. I can't imagine he'll make trouble for you either. So, none of the three other major clans will be an issue. If anything, they'll help protect you."

What they'd said made sense. He knew it did. But it didn't fully allay his fears. It didn't get rid of the feeling that he was still failing somehow in his duties.

Before he could open his mouth to express that to them, however, Luo Qingyang's voice came to him.

You must consider your own happiness as an element of your safety.

"We want to do whatever will make you most happy," Sizhui said softly. "We care about you."

"I know," Jin Ling breathed. "But I don't know the answer."

He was having a hard enough time as it was trying to lead his sect. To then add on something else for everyone to scrutinize was a terrifying concept to him.

It would be easier to be happy without them. He could be happy without them. Couldn't he?

"All right," Sizhui said. "We've probably covered the responsibility side of things. You can think on that. But what did you mean when you said 'you're my friends'? Why does that worry you?"

Jin Ling fidgeted. "Why are you two being so persistent?"

"I apologize," Sizhui said as Jingyi huffed noisily. "We're not trying to pressure you, but everything will be easier if we make these decisions now. It's better than going back and forth constantly."

Jin Ling agreed that the back and forth was a nightmare. He just wasn't sure he was ready.

"You two want me to decide today?"

"Decide sometime," Jingyi grumbled.

"It doesn't have to be today," Sizhui said. "But we'd like you to start thinking about it. We'd like to know soon."

Panic rose in his chest. "You two are my friends!" he cried. "The only… I don't want to make things weird between us! I don't know what you want from me! Are you asking me to choose one of you?! Why can't you two-!"

"Calm down," Jingyi interrupted, sounding irritated. "And don't flatter yourself. We aren't both so infatuated by you that we can't even consider each other."

"Then what is this? What's the point of asking?"

Sizhui turned to Jingyi. The two of them began to converse as if Jin Ling wasn't present.

"We should tell him what this is about," Jingyi said. "He's working himself up over nothing."

"I don't know if he's ready to hear it yet," Sizhui argued. "It might worry him more."

"You thought my explanation was sound!"

"I don't have as many reservations as-"

Jin Ling had had enough. "Talk to me!" he yelled at them. "That's what you came here to do, isn't it?"

Ripples moved along the otherwise still pond as a breeze filled the stunned silence between them. They weren't quiet for long.

Before Sizhui could stop him, Jingyi blurted out a response.

"We want you to be with both of us," he said.

Not sure that he'd heard correctly, Jin Ling replied, "What?"

"Wait just a-"

But Jingyi kept speaking despite Sizhui's interruption.

"It's the best solution!" Jingyi said excitedly. "You'll be with us, we'll be with you, and we'll be with each other!"

"What? I don't understand."

"Slow down, Jingyi," Sizhui said before turning to look at Jin Ling. "We thought, considering recent events, that you might have reconsidered your original decision. Jingyi came up with this solution. We could all be with one another, so no one would have to choose."

It certainly got rid of the issue of leaving someone out, but it raised new issues of its own and it didn't change the fact that Jin Ling would be risking both of his friendships, the only ones he really had.

"I can't do that," Jin Ling said. "As a sect leader, I can't have-"

"Sure you can!" Jingyi said, sitting forward at the end of the pier. "I've thought of that too. Sect Leader Nie – his father had two wives!"

"He had one wife," Jin Ling corrected. "And after she died, he elevated a concubine to the same status. He didn't have two wives at one time."

"But he did have concubines. So, it's basically the same thing."

"You two want to be concubines?" Jin Ling asked, eyebrow raised.

Jingyi flushed pink. "Well not in so many words. But I guess that's the spirit of it? Uh, I don't – Sizhui, help."

But Sizhui had also gone very pink. "No, I think that's sort of what we're proposing…"

Jingyi went from pink to red. "Whatever," he said sullenly. "Jin Ling's a spoiled mistress and Sizhui and I are concubines, then. See if I care."

There was a beat of silence before the three of them burst into laughter.

"What would Hanguang-jun say?" Jin Ling said to Sizhui in between giggling fits. "Did you tell him your plans?"

"No," Sizhui replied, wiping tears from his eyes, "I figured there was no point until I knew your stance."

"Well, we all know how Wei Wuxian would react."

"Oh, he'd definitely approve!" Jingyi put in, roaring with laughter.

"He probably would," Sizhui agreed.

They went back and forth speculating about how others they knew would react to the three of them being in a relationship together. Jiang Cheng, Zewu-jun, other juniors they knew…

All the while, Jin Ling kept the proposal at the forefront of his mind, deliberating.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad. Maybe…

As their laughter died down, Jingyi returned to the matter at hand.

"Anyway," he said with a deep sigh, "our friendship was going to be weird no matter what once you started imagining us naked."

An awkward chuckle from Sizhui. Jin Ling's eyes went wide. He started to sweat.

"I don't imagine either of you naked!" Jin Ling cried indignantly while recalling many dreams to the contrary.

Jingyi gave him a skeptical look. He then simply shrugged and said, "I guess it's just me then."

Jin Ling grew warm. Sizhui covered his face with his hands and laughed.

"You don't have to decide now," Jingyi said. He got to his feet and held out a hand to Sizhui. "We'll be around for a day or two longer if you want to talk. Hopefully you'll have an answer for us by then?"

"I, uh…"

Sizhui smiled sweetly at him. The look Jingyi gave him, though, was more complicated. All the back and forth that Jin Ling had put him through, the moments they'd already shared, and the ones he hoped were still ahead – all of it was in that complicated expression.

"We just want you to make whatever decision is best for you," Jingyi said. "You don't have to make it now. I would rather you think on it than do something impulsive."

The weighted meaning to his words didn't escape Jin Ling's notice.

"You know where to find us," Sizhui said.

Then, they turned around together and made to let themselves out of his private quarters. Jin Ling hadn't noticed before that Jingyi still held Sizhui's hand in his.

They were together. They probably had been when Jin Ling had asked Sizhui about it in the laboratory. He just hadn't wanted to give him more things to worry about at that time.

They were together. And it was up to Jin Ling whether or not he wanted to join them.

And as he watched them walk away from him, he realized there really wasn't anything to think about at all. Yes, he would risk his friendship with them, but the alternative was never knowing what might have been for the rest of his life.

He could stand the reproachful looks. He'd gotten plenty of those before he'd known he was a cut sleeve.

The choice was very simple: face the world with the two of them by his side, or die a little bit more every day, wondering what he could have had.

"Wait!" he called after them before they could step back inside.

They paused in the doorway.

"Please, Jin Ling," said Jingyi as he and Sizhui slowly turned back to face him. "Don't make an impulsive decision."

"It's not impulsive," Jin Ling replied, trotting over to them, Fairy close behind. "I've thought about it. I've been thinking about it for days… weeks… maybe even longer than that without really knowing what I was thinking about."

"And?" Sizhui said, the shadow of a smile on his lips.

"And I want to try."

Jingyi looked skeptical. Jin Ling couldn't blame him for it.

Very carefully, Sizhui slipped his hand out of Jingyi's and walked across the garden. He stopped in front of Jin Ling, very close to him. The light that reflected in his eyes, the scents that lingered on his clothes and in his hair – he was very, very close.

"In that case," Sizhui said, that hint of a smile ever present, "I have no issue returning this now."

Before Jin Ling knew what was happening, Sizhui had seized the front of his robes and pulled him forward in much the same way Jin Ling had done to him in the laboratory.

Their lips met and Jin Ling was suddenly struck by the realization that he'd never kissed Sizhui before, not really. He was more confident than he would have expected from someone so quiet and reserved. Jin Ling was incredibly aware of the strength of his grip on his clothing and the press of his knuckles against his chest.

He was shocked and breathless and had remained woodenly in place until Sizhui released him with a smile.

"Much better circumstances for a first kiss, wouldn't you agree?" Sizhui said.

"Uh - yeah - uh - better," Jin Ling stammered, still reeling from what had happened.

Jingyi sidled up to them and clicked his tongue. "Impulsive."

"It's not-" Jin Ling started to say, but Jingyi cut him off.

"I was talking about Sizhui," he said, smirking.

"Oh."

"You do seem unsure, though," Jingyi said.

"What?"

He pointed down at Jin Ling's hands which were fiddling incessantly with his sleeves.

"Oh," Jin Ling said. "It's just... I wondered if I could make an adjustment to our arrangement?"

Sizhui gave him a knowing look. "You want to keep your involvement secret, yes?"

"For now," Jin Ling said. "I'm... I just..."

"You're still afraid," Jingyi said for him. "That's fine. I don't mind. What about you, Sizhui? Are you sure you can keep a secret?"

Sizhui nudged Jingyi playfully. "Yes," he said. "I can keep a secret."

"It's not for forever," Jin Ling insisted. "I just need time."

"Take your time," Sizhui said. "We have plenty to figure out between the three of us anyhow. It's probably for the best that you don't add everything to your plate all at once."

"Okay."

They bid him farewell again. Jingyi suggested that the three of them leave at the same time to arouse the least suspicion, but Jin Ling told them he wanted to stay with Fairy a little while longer.

"That's fine, I suppose," Jingyi said. "I don't care if people think Sizhui and I are up to something. Gives them something to talk about. In fact..."

He reached up and tousled Sizhui's hair.

"Hey! What?!" Sizhui cried.

"Now it really looks like we're up to something."

Sizhui's cheeks burned red as rubies. He meekly started to fix his hair. Jin Ling laughed.

"What are you doing?" Jingyi demanded, lightly swatting Sizhui's hands. "I thought you were ready for people to know!"

"Not like that!"

They continued to argue back and forth as they left the garden, pulling the door closed behind them. Jin Ling sighed and shook his head even though he knew they couldn't see him.

Eventually, he and Fairy wandered back to the pond edge. The lotus nearest him seemed to be waiting, listening. Or maybe he assumed that since he'd spoken to it like a madman so many times before.

Fairy laid down with a sigh.

"Do you think that I've made a mistake?" he asked it.

The lotus didn't answer.

But, in a way, she had. Those pretty lavender petals stared back at him as if wordlessly asking, do you feel as if you've made a mistake?

The question wasn't spoken unkindly. It wasn't spoken at all.

He thought for a bit before replying, "No, I don't think I have."

The flower shifted in the breeze. If you don't regret your choice, why would you ask me?

He paused again, but not to consider his answer. He paused because it hurt to say.

"Every day, I worry what you would think of me."

Another breath of air flowed through the garden; a bit stronger than the last. Jin Ling imagined fingers in the gust that brushed his cheeks and words in the whisper at his ear.

If I was as kind as others made me out to be, what sense is there in worrying? And if I was not kind, why torture yourself over the opinion of a cruel woman?

"Because I should have been more like you."

I loved people who were nothing like me. You would have been no exception.

"How can you know that? How can you know you would love me the same?"

Because you know it, the lotus said simply. One day, I hope that this voice of mine will be the loudest in your head.

Subconsciously, his hand drifted to Suihua. The metal was mildly warm to the touch.

"I hope you're proud of me," Jin Ling whispered.

Your advisor was right, said the lotus. You can hold any version of us in your head that you like. Why shouldn't you believe that we would be proud?

"I don't know," Jin Ling said, voice breaking a little. "Maybe I'll try it."

Suihua's hilt grew warmer under his fingers. The lotus waited.

"I believe that you would be proud of me."

There was no answer. But there didn't need to be one.