It was after nightfall on one of his last days in Jinlintai when Jiang Cheng finally remembered the mess that he and Xichen had made of Jin Guangyao's study. He paused abruptly in his form training, which he'd taken to doing lately to strengthen his body after his injury.
Should he leave the study alone and pretend he had no idea what happened? Jin Ling probably still wouldn't go in there, would he?
No, he couldn't count on that. And pretending not to know what had happened was a childish response - something Wei Wuxian might do, but not him.
Jiang Cheng hurried out of his room.
He supposed, as branching corridors flashed by on either side of him, that he was fortunate Wei Wuxian had convinced all of them to stay a bit longer. Otherwise, he might have already returned to Lotus Pier days ago and would have had a much harder time getting to Jin Guangyao's study without raising suspicions.
Wei Wuxian hadn't explained why he wanted everyone to stay. He'd said it was important and he'd even mentioned that it had something to do with Wen Ning. Why Wen Ning would have wanted Jiang Cheng, of all people, to stick around was a mystery to him. Jiang Cheng wasn't sure he could bear to be around him after learning what his sister had done for him. But, if Wen Ning had requested that all of them stay, Jiang Cheng supposed it would be yet another betrayal if he were to leave in spite of that.
Thankfully, he hadn't seen him once since they'd returned to Jinlintai from Nightless City.
The door to Jin Guangyao's study was ajar by the time he arrived. Foreboding crept into Jiang Cheng's heart.
Jin Ling knew. He knew he did.
With great reluctance, Jiang Cheng pushed the door open the rest of the way, ready to give his nephew the explanation he deserved. He wasn't, however, ready to face Xichen.
He was on his hands and knees with a broom and dustpan, cleaning the space like Jiang Cheng had intended to do. He jumped when he heard movement behind him.
"Oh!" Xichen said in surprise, straightening quickly as Jiang Cheng opened the door. "Good evening. I didn't expect that you'd be out at this hour."
"Yes, well imagine my shock finding a Lan out so late," Jiang Cheng quipped.
His hand was sweating profusely against the wooden doorframe. Xichen was the last person he'd wanted to run into.
He had visited him a few times during his recovery. But as Jiang Cheng had grown stronger and could more easily carry a conversation, the number of Xichen's visits had dwindled until he'd eventually stopped coming altogether.
As such, he didn't know where he and Xichen stood with one another. Were they still friends? Something more? Something less? He was afraid to ask.
"Why are you here?" Xichen asked him, emptying the dustpan into a burlap sack.
"To do that," Jiang Cheng said, pointing at the pan.
Xichen smiled and shook his head. "This is my mess. I'll clean it up."
"I goaded you into it," Jiang Cheng argued. "I should clean it up."
"It's not as if I didn't have a choice."
"You didn't have a choice. I can be almost as annoying as Wei Wuxian when I want to be."
They kept going back and forth like that until eventually, Jiang Cheng barged into the study and started gathering splinters of wood into his hands to throw away.
"Don't do that," Xichen said. "You're going to hurt yourself."
"I'll be fine."
"Please stop."
"No," Jiang Cheng said even though he did as Xichen had asked, pausing with hands full of dust and sharp ends.
Xichen raised his eyebrows while Jiang Cheng very slowly tipped the debris into the bag. He seemed amused. Light danced in his dark eyes as he watched him.
"Maybe neither of us should clean for a little while," Xichen said. "We need to talk, don't we?"
Jiang Cheng's stomach dropped. "Do we?"
Xichen frowned. "I should think so."
Don't be an ass. Don't be an ass. Don't be-
"You had plenty of opportunities to come talk with me before, didn't you?"
Xichen averted his gaze. Jiang Cheng internally kicked himself.
Why did he have to say that? Why did he always have to react like that?
"I'm sorry," Xichen said. "I didn't want to put more strain on you while you were healing."
"I know," Jiang Cheng replied, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know that."
Without thinking, he started picking up more debris just to give himself something to do and an excuse to look elsewhere. Xichen stood and walked over to him. Very gently, he caught his hands to keep him from reaching for the next shard of glass.
"I was also stalling this conversation," Xichen said, gazing at him levelly. Jiang Cheng forced himself to meet his eyes. "So, you were right to tell me off."
"If you say so."
Jiang Cheng found it hard to think with Xichen still holding his hands.
"I'm ready to talk now, if you are," Xichen said calmly.
He released him and Jiang Cheng had to conceal his exhale as he finally let out the breath he hadn't noticed he was holding.
There wasn't going to be a better time for them to figure things out. They were both leaving for their respective homes soon. It would be better to clear the air now.
But Jiang Cheng didn't know what to say. He'd been actively trying not to think about Xichen. The idea that he was attracted to men wasn't quite as horrific to him as it had been before Wei Wuxian had confessed his own promise to Yanli. But it was still a concept that he struggled with.
He was supposed to marry a woman. He was supposed to father children to carry on the Jiang name. And if he didn't do that, then one way or another, Wen Chao had still won, hadn't he?
It was fine for Wei Wuxian to be a cut sleeve. It was fine for Jin Ling to be one. But it wasn't okay for him.
Xichen was studying him, concern etched on his jade smooth skin. "Maybe I'll start talking and you can speak when you want to, hm?"
Jiang Cheng gave a weird half-nod, half-shrug gesture. The corners of Xichen's mouth flicked upward in response. Jiang Cheng's face grew warm.
"I've thought for a long time about this," Xichen said. "I think I'm open to whatever you want to try. If you want nothing to do with me, I will respect that. If you want my friendship and nothing more, you have it. But if you want to explore that something more, I will have certain things I need from you first."
Jiang Cheng frowned and blurted out, "Like what?"
His face grew hotter. He wasn't okay with being a cut sleeve! Why was he asking questions?!
"Do you ask because you're interested in something more or is this only curiosity?"
"I - uh..."
"Do you know what you want from me?" Xichen asked.
He wasn't pushy. He didn't crowd him or stare. And yet, Jiang Cheng felt an incredible amount of pressure to answer quickly.
"Yes," he said.
"You do?" Xichen replied, shocked.
Realizing that 'yes' was not the expected answer, Jiang Cheng was quick to take it back. "Well, no. I - I haven't thought about it enough."
"Okay," Xichen said softly. "You think about it. There is no deadline. But in the meantime, may I operate under the assumption that we're friends?"
"Yes, of course."
He smiled at him. A genuine smile. Jiang Cheng's heart rate quickened.
Xichen really was very good-looking. It was a wonder that Jiang Cheng had caught his notice at all. What, with his bad temper and history of failed relationships of all types, Xichen probably would have been better off finding someone more suited to him - someone who deserved him.
Despite being undeserving, Jiang Cheng, for a moment, imagined what it would be like to kiss him without a grievous wound.
And the very next moment, he quashed that fantasy.
He. Couldn't. Be. A. Cut. Sleeve.
"I can't believe I forgot to clean up in here before we left to join the others," Xichen remarked, likely trying to start a different conversation so Jiang Cheng would stop staring at him.
Jiang Cheng caught the hint and hastily busied himself cleaning again. This, however, also seemed to bother Xichen.
"If you insist on helping," he said. "Would you please grab a broom and pan for yourself?"
Jiang Cheng let out an exaggerated sigh. "Sure. Where'd you get yours from?"
Xichen told him and Jiang Cheng let himself out into the hall. He found the supply closet after some searching. It wasn't particularly easy to find, which drew attention to why Xichen knew where it was - why he'd spent so much time in Jinlintai and had become so familiar with its layout.
Just like Wei Wuxian had, Jiang Cheng found himself hoping there was indeed a hell. And he hoped Jin Guangyao would never escape it.
He fumbled around in the closet for far longer than he should have. It wasn't a large space, but there were so many things crammed into it that it was impossible to find anything.
Eventually he collected the items he sought. He then had to spend an equal amount of time putting everything back into place so he could close the door again.
When he'd finally succeeded and closed the supply closet with a resounding thud, he had settled on his answer to Xichen. He would tell him, as soon as he returned to the study, that they would have to be friends. Xichen wouldn't ask for any explanation. Jiang Cheng knew he wouldn't.
Xichen would accept it and that would be that. Jiang Cheng could move on with his life and continue his search for a suitable wife.
He would win. And that long-dead sadistic asshole would have no hold on him anymore.
So why, as he made his way back down the corridor, did it not feel that way? Why was there a deep sorrow that overcame him as soon as he'd made up his mind? Why did he feel so trapped?
The space between each tap of his boots on the hard floor grew wider until eventually he stopped rigidly in place, a few steps from the door to the study.
When asked why he didn't hold many grudges against people who were disrespectful toward him, Wei Wuxian had once told Jiang Cheng that holding a grudge against others meant letting them control a part of his life. He'd asked Jiang Cheng in return why he should let someone he didn't like dictate anything about him.
Although there was no chance that Jiang Cheng could simply let go of his hatred toward Wen Chao - hell, Wei Wuxian hadn't either - perhaps he could consider trying to ignore the things Wen Chao had said to him. Maybe then his choice not to be with Xichen would feel less like losing. He would make the choice for himself and not to prove something to a dead man.
But even then, when he thought about it, he still didn't feel like he was doing it for himself.
It was a choice he made for his mother and his father - to carry their name and pass it to the next generation.
The Jiang Clan had been annihilated. It was up to him to continue the bloodline. He was the only one left.
And yet, no one confused the new Jiangs for the old. They were more brutal, quicker to anger, and less well-liked overall. Perhaps those were issues that Jiang Cheng should have worked to rectify, but regardless, he'd already led his clan differently. They were different. They were new.
So why couldn't they be new in this too?
If he explored this new territory with Xichen, they could pave the way and make things easier for Jin Ling to make the choices he might want to make.
It was one thing for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji to be together. They were well-known, but they weren't sect leaders.
What would happen if Jiang Cheng decided for himself?
And what decision did he want to make?
Vile threats hissed in his ear. But he wore the words of Wei Wuxian like armor around himself.
Jiang Cheng hadn't been poisoned or broken or twisted. This was the way he'd always been.
So, knowing that, what did he want to do?
He must have been standing still for a long time. When he unclenched his fists, his fingers ached. Even his legs were sore as he took those last few steps to the study and pulled open the door.
Xichen looked up and smiled politely at him.
"Tell me what you need from me," Jiang Cheng said with more confidence than he felt. His limbs had turned to jelly. "I want to try."
Xichen studied him for a while, as if trying to determine whether or not he was joking. He then dusted off his hands, got to his feet, and moved to close the door that Jiang Cheng had forgotten to close behind him.
He could barely breathe. His stomach had tied itself into so many knots he was actually starting to feel sick.
"You're sweating," Xichen commented. "Are you sure this is what you want?"
"Ye - well, no," Jiang Cheng admitted. "But that's why I said I want to try."
"I appreciate the honesty," Xichen said with a smile that put yet another knot in Jiang Cheng's stomach. "That is first and foremost what I'll need from you."
"Honesty?"
"Yes."
"I think I can manage that."
Xichen tilted his head a little. "Generally speaking, I would agree with you. You're usually straightforward. But there are things that you don't say and maybe don't even admit to yourself that may cause problems for us. And it will be your dishonesty that will hurt me the most."
"You can't expect me to just tell you everything right away," Jiang Cheng snapped. "I-"
"You have to be able to trust me first," Xichen finished for him. "I know. But I've thought about this for a long time, and I think I have the solution. If you can be honest about what you aren't ready to tell me, I can respect that."
"I don't understand," Jiang Cheng said.
Xichen studied him. Jiang Cheng's heart skipped a beat.
"That night," Xichen said, "when I wouldn't agree to leave you alone even though you wanted to be."
Jiang Cheng's blood ran cold. Was he going to ask about that? He'd barely been able to tell Wei Wuxian about it and still wasn't sure whether or not he regretted having done so. There was no way he could tell him.
But Xichen didn't ask.
"There is something that torments you," he went on to say. "I don't need you to tell me what it is. But if you're struggling like that again, and I ask you questions that you aren't ready to answer, I want you to tell me so."
"What do you want me to say?" Jiang Cheng asked. "You want me to say 'I don't want to talk about it'?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"I only want to know that there's something going on," Xichen said. "I don't want to constantly doubt myself. I don't want to wonder if I'm imagining it. I just need to know that it's there. You can tell me what it is in your own time. Is that okay?"
Jiang Cheng nodded.
"The second request I ask of you is to tell me what you want and what you don't want," Xichen went on. "I can't read your mind. There are some things that I imagine you don't like very much, like being surprised or being grabbed without express permission, but I don't always know and I can't always figure it out. I need you to tell me. Okay?"
"Okay."
"And lastly," Xichen said with a sigh, "I need to know whether or not you're ready to try to heal."
Jiang Cheng frowned. "What kind of question is that? I'm mostly recovered already. Are you gonna pull out some magical elixir to make the rest-?"
"Not your physical injuries," Xichen explained. "The other injuries. The ones that can't be seen."
"What?"
"You don't sleep, you're constantly on alert - I think there are a lot of wounds, even from the Sunshot Campaign alone that you haven't healed from yet."
"You're one to talk," Jiang Cheng grumbled, gesturing vaguely to the destruction around them.
Xichen inclined his head. "I'm healing too. It took me a long time to recover from the Sunshot Campaign and I still haven't fully achieved peace with all of that. I certainly haven't healed from... more recent events."
"So why-?"
"Because this is going to be incredibly difficult for us," Xichen said, almost impatiently. "Can't you see that? We're both deeply wounded by our pasts. People like that can end up hurting those closest to them. I've seen it. I've lived it. And I don't want to do it to you. It's not going to be easy to be with me."
Jiang Cheng let out a nervous laugh. "Sure, but I won't be easy to be with either, just ask any of the women I've seen. So, it should be fair between us."
"I'm serious, Jiang Cheng," Xichen said firmly. "We're going to hurt each other. It's inevitable and I've accepted that. But I'm willing to try and I'm willing to work through whatever we have to as long as you're willing to try too."
For a while, he didn't know what to say. They stood facing each other, a palpable tension between them.
Desperate to diffuse it, Jiang Cheng muttered, "These weren't the requests I'd expected."
It worked a little. Xichen's lips curled.
"What had you expected?" he asked him, a hint of teasing in his question.
"I don't know, flowers? Or for me to ask Lan Qiren's approval first, I guess..."
Xichen burst out laughing. "My uncle won't be pleased, I can tell you that already," he said. "But I think he's resigned to accept it. He's suspected my interests ever since Wangji made his known."
"Oh."
The idea of displeasing Lan Qiren made Jiang Cheng nervous. He'd spent his youth breaking the rules of the Cloud Recesses with Wei Wuxian, but this would be different.
Then again, if Wei Wuxian could do it, Jiang Cheng could too.
"I wouldn't say no to flowers though," Xichen said with a smile.
"Noted," Jiang Cheng replied, cheeks warm.
Xichen flushed pink. His smile took on a shyness that was disarmingly charming.
"Anyway," he said, clearing his throat, "what do you say of my last request?"
"I'd say everyone seems very worried I'm going to go on a rampage or something," Jiang Cheng grumbled, more to himself than Xichen.
"That's not quite what I meant by what I said," Xichen muttered. "Who else is saying that to you?"
"Wei Wuxian and Luo Qingyang, and I assume everyone else is saying it too where I can't hear them."
"I think they're just worried about you."
"Luo Qingyang is worried about me. Sure. That's believable."
"I don't know about her," Xichen said sheepishly. "Wei Wuxian is worried about you though. I hope that's believable to you."
"Tch."
But it was. Wei Wuxian had made his concern clear by pestering him about his sleeping habits. Jiang Cheng was thankful that he hadn't noticed the cracking skin on his arms and hands otherwise he'd be nagging him about his bathing too.
Xichen was waiting for his answer.
Jiang Cheng thought on it. He was annoyed to have everyone pointing out his flaws. In the span of a few days, he'd been criticized by three people. And criticism wasn't something he was good at accepting.
He also wasn't good at writing it off.
He kept thinking about how he'd nearly hit Xichen with Zidian that night and how many times he'd unintentionally hit Wei Wuxian. Wei Wuxian had had a point when he'd claimed that Jiang Cheng didn't see him.
He hadn't. Just like he hadn't seen Yanli all those years ago.
What if it happened again and he did hit Xichen? What if it was Jin Ling?
They'd all been criticizing him, but their critiques unfortunately weren't without merit. He couldn't just ignore them. Part of him had been worrying about it ever since Wei Wuxian had brought it up.
And there were other wounds too. Things that he'd only realized when he'd thought he was going to die.
There were stories he owed to Jin Ling that he'd never been able to share with him. He'd kept him from knowing his parents, the two people that Jin Ling had wanted to know more than anyone ever since he was old enough to know what parents were.
Jiang Cheng also couldn't forget that he'd been Jin Ling's nightmare in Qishan. On some level, Jin Ling was afraid of him. It wasn't respect. It was fear. Fear of disappointing him, of confiding in him, of being known by him…
He'd kept Jin Ling in the dark. And he'd kept him frightened.
"Whether or not you want to... try this with me," Jiang Cheng said, lifting his chin, "I have things that I need to set right. When I next find myself dying, I don't want to have so much left to say. I'll do what I have to do."
Xichen's expression became very warm. "That is precisely what I wanted to hear," he said. "I didn't want you to do it because I asked it of you."
"But," he went on, "I hope you don't find yourself dying again any time soon."
"Me too," Jiang Cheng said with a half-laugh. "I've got a lot to do first."
Xichen chuckled and stepped a little closer. Jiang Cheng was rooted in place, his mind thinking frantically. What was he doing? Why was he so close? Was he doing what he thought he was doing?
Jiang Cheng tried to look up at him but was frustrated to find that he couldn't make himself do it.
It didn't matter though.
Very slowly, almost testing to see how he would react, Xichen raised his hand toward Jiang Cheng's face.
His heart pounded in his chest. He didn't move. Even as Xichen placed two cool fingers under his chin, he refused to back away.
Xichen gently pressed his fingers against his skin, tilting his head back so Jiang Cheng had no choice but to look into his dark, depthless eyes. Tiny honey brown streaks of color gave his irises a sparkling quality that Jiang Cheng had never noticed before.
"May I kiss you?" Xichen asked in a whisper.
Jiang Cheng's heart stopped. He couldn't speak. He couldn't move, even to nod.
Why was he so panicked? This wasn't the first time they'd done this. And yet, he felt as terrified as he'd felt the first time Xichen had asked him.
When he hadn't responded for a few beats, Xichen politely inclined his head and started to step away. But as soon as he'd shifted back, just a little, Jiang Cheng regained function and seized the front of his robes. Xichen's eyes widened in shock.
"Yes," Jiang Cheng murmured, face burning, "you may."
Xichen smiled and leaned closer. He paused for a moment, millimeters from him. Jiang Cheng could feel his breath on his face.
And then, Xichen kissed him.
It was nothing like when they'd kissed before. Xichen wasn't timid. He wrapped one arm around Jiang Cheng's lower back, pulling him closer, while the other reached up so he could wind his fingers through his hair. He was much more passionate this time.
And Jiang Cheng once again found himself unable to move. He'd liked his attention, but now that he had to do something, he was at a complete loss. It was so much easier to be confident when he was dying.
An anxious panic seeped into his thoughts - a panic that worsened when he became steadily more aware that he still gripped Xichen's robes, which meant his arms were pinned.
A quiet noise escaped him. Xichen started to pull him closer, but it was then that Jiang Cheng regained his ability to move.
He backed away, and Xichen instantly released him.
"Are you all right?"
His breath was caught in his throat. Blood rushed in his ears. For a time, he couldn't answer. So, Xichen stepped back further.
When he'd recovered enough to speak, he worried something rude would slip from his mouth again.
But he had to say something. The silence was unbearable.
"I'm sorry," he breathed, staring hard at the desk.
"Don't be sorry," Xichen murmured gently. "I'm the one who should be sorry. I must have done something that you didn't like. If you tell me-"
Jiang Cheng shook his head. "You didn't do anything."
"Okay," Xichen said slowly, clearly puzzled.
"It happens sometimes," Jiang Cheng explained, still not willing to look at him. "I don't even always know why. It just does. When I try to... be with someone. I can't. Usually, I'd make up an excuse for it, but you asked me to be honest with you, so I'm..."
The growing pain in his throat made it hard to speak. He shrugged to make it seem as if he'd stopped talking because there was no point in finishing his sentence and not because he was afraid he'd make a fool of himself if his voice wavered.
No matter what he did - settle for a woman or accept that he'd always been a cut sleeve - he couldn't win. It always came back to this. At some point, he couldn't stand to be touched.
"It's all right, Jiang Cheng," Xichen said, stepping forward a little. "I'm happy to do as much or as little as you want to do. If you'd rather go back to cleaning right now, you'll hear no complaint from me."
"But I said that I wanted to try."
"And I'm thrilled about that. So, we'll try when you're ready. There's no hurry."
"You don't understand," Jiang Cheng said, growing frustrated. "I want to. I want to try. I just don't know how."
"Ah, all right, let's see," Xichen said thoughtfully. He tapped a finger against his temple and furrowed his brow. "Would it help if you were the one to initiate? Maybe being in control would make you feel more comfortable?"
Oh no. That meant he definitely had to figure out what he was doing.
"Or not," Xichen said, laughing lightly as he inspected Jiang Cheng's face. "You seem almost more nervous than you did before."
"No, we can try," Jiang Cheng said quickly. "It's just..."
"We're alone. You can tell me," Xichen coaxed him.
"I... what if I'm terrible at it?"
Xichen laughed again. Jiang Cheng gritted his teeth.
"You've kissed women before," Xichen said. "It's no different than that."
"Yeah because I've had such luck with women."
Xichen smiled. "From what I hear, your lack of success in that area had little to do with your physical abilities."
"No, it's because I'm an ass, right?"
"Well..."
He gave an awkward shrug. When Jiang Cheng laughed at him, though, Xichen seemed to recover a little.
"Besides," he went on once he was no longer worried that he'd offended Jiang Cheng, "what you did in Qishan, I wouldn't call that terrible."
"Oh."
Jiang Cheng's face burned.
"Try it again, if you want to," Xichen said. "If you do something that I don't like, I'll let you know."
Jiang Cheng's stomach was tied in a thousand knots as he nodded and hesitantly moved toward him. Xichen waited patiently, the corners of his lips turned just slightly upward.
When he stopped in front of him, Xichen whispered, "Don't be nervous."
What a silly thing to say. Jiang Cheng couldn't stop being nervous just because he told him to.
And yet, it did feel as if a few of the knots in his stomach had loosened.
He stared up into Xichen's eyes, which shone with a soft brilliance all their own. After a while, Xichen began to shift his weight from side to side.
"You're making me self-conscious," he murmured.
Jiang Cheng smirked. "The perfect Jade of Gusu is self-conscious?"
"Not perfect," Xichen mumbled.
"Good. Me neither."
Trying not to think too hard, Jiang Cheng reached up to pull Xichen down to him. In that way, kissing him was different than kissing a woman. He wrapped his arms up around his neck and shoulders just to feel tall enough to reach.
But it was different in another important way too.
As their lips met again and some of Jiang Cheng's nervousness began to fade away, it didn't feel the same. It wasn't something he had to do. It was something he chose to do. Something he liked doing.
Xichen wrapped his arms around his waist like he'd done before, but this time he held him loosely. Jiang Cheng pressed against him, making him back up until he bumped against the wall. Xichen pulled away with a breathy laugh.
"Did I do something wrong?" Jiang Cheng asked, dread settling deep in his gut.
"Not at all," Xichen whispered. "Not remotely terrible."
"Such a relief," Jiang Cheng said sarcastically. "I'm better than terrible."
Xichen laughed again and pulled him closer. With the pad of his thumb, he traced Jiang Cheng's bottom lip.
"It's surprising, actually," Xichen said.
"What is?"
"Despite pushing me back, you're gentler than I'd imagined."
Jiang Cheng frowned, unsure what to make of his statement. He didn't have to wonder long.
"I like it," Xichen murmured. "It's a good surprise."
"Well, good," Jiang Cheng said, realizing that he'd drawn essentially the opposite conclusion about Xichen. He wasn't quite as gentle as he'd expected him to be. But that was okay. Good, even.
Xichen bent a little. Jiang Cheng reached up to meet him again.
He laced his fingers in Xichen's long hair and drank in the smell of him, pressing as close as he could. He hadn't been so intimate with another person in a very long time - maybe ever. It was nice.
Xichen let out a soft noise from deep in his throat. Jiang Cheng started to back away, worried he'd done something wrong, but Xichen ran his hand up his back. He didn't force him to stay. He hadn't applied any pressure. But he seemed to be telling him not to go on his behalf. So, Jiang Cheng didn't.
At least, not until he heard the voice from the doorway.
"You've got to be joking!"
Jiang Cheng sprang away from Xichen faster than if he'd held a hot poker to his chest. He smoothed the front of his robes, but he knew it would make no difference. Xichen cleared his throat awkwardly.
In the doorway stood Jin Ling. He wasn't dressed in the uniform he normally wore for night hunting. He was dressed in his finer sect leader regalia. He might have just come from an urgent council meeting.
And he looked livid.
"What the fuck happened here?" he demanded, looking around at the wreckage.
"A-Ling, I can explain," Jiang Cheng said hurriedly.
"I'm listening," Jin Ling said, folding his arms. "But if you start explaining that-" he motioned between Xichen and Jiang Cheng, "-I'm leaving."
Jiang Cheng considered doing just that. At least then Jin Ling would have left them alone so they could get their story straight.
Instead, Jiang Cheng and Xichen both tried explaining at the same time.
"It was my fault," they said in unison.
Jin Ling raised his eyebrows. "You both obliterated my uncle's study?"
"No," Jiang Cheng said, "Zewu-jun is being noble. I did it."
"No, he's being noble," Xichen insisted. "I'm the one responsible for this. I'm so sorry, Jin Ling. I can-"
"Please, Zewu-jun," Jin Ling said, holding up a hand to silence him, something Jiang Cheng had never seen him do to either of the twin jades. "Did you really think I'd believe that you did this?"
Jiang Cheng shot a sideways glance at Xichen, who looked at a complete loss. Jiang Cheng had to try hard to conceal his amusement at the sight.
"I was angry," he continued, speaking before Xichen could think of a way to convince Jin Ling of the truth.
"When aren't you?" Jin Ling grumbled.
"And when aren't you?" Jiang Cheng retorted.
"Aren't you supposed to be explaining and apologizing right now? Don't try to turn this around."
"Are you... enjoying this?"
Jin Ling lifted his chin defiantly and tapped his foot.
"You think I enjoyed walking in on this?" Jin Ling asked.
Jin Guangyao's study destroyed with Jiang Cheng and Xichen locked together... No, he couldn't imagine Jin Ling had enjoyed walking in on any of that.
It was Jiang Cheng's turn to awkwardly clear his throat.
"I'm listening, Jiujiu," Jin Ling said impatiently. "Care to explain?"
"There's actually not much to say," Jiang Cheng replied. "I was angry after everything and I knew you don't come in here. I didn't think you'd see it, so-"
"So you figured you could smash whatever you wanted, huh?"
"I shouldn't have," Jiang Cheng said. "I can try to replace-"
"Don't bother," Jin Ling snapped. "Zewu-jun, would you mind leaving my uncle and me to speak privately?"
Xichen inclined his head, cheeks still very pink. "Of course."
"I'll walk you out," Jiang Cheng said.
Xichen looked confused but merely nodded in response. The two of them crossed the room, sheepishly passing Jin Ling before they reached the door.
"Don't you dare try to correct the facts with A-Ling later," Jiang Cheng hissed at him as Xichen stepped out into the hallway. "I egged you on, and if I recall correctly, I was the first one to break anything in here."
"He deserves to know," Xichen said desperately. "He shouldn't be angry with you for something I did."
"I'm family. He may come to forgive me in time. It's better that he be angry with me."
Xichen regarded him sorrowfully.
"Does that look work on others?" Jiang Cheng asked crossly.
"Sometimes," Xichen said. "Is it working on you?"
"No," he lied, turning his head so he didn't have to see him anymore.
"I'm waiting, Jiujiu," Jin Ling called.
Jiang Cheng let out a sigh. Xichen smiled.
"I'll do whatever you think is best," Xichen said. "He's your family, after all. But you should try to remember what you truly think is best."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Xichen reached up to fix a loose strand of Jiang Cheng's hair. Jiang Cheng's heart rate quickened.
He then answered, "If you haven't said the things you'd wanted to say to your nephew, you should do that soon."
Jiang Cheng made a face. "You really think now is the time for that?"
"Heh, maybe not now," Xichen admitted. "But soon."
"We'll see."
"Jiujiu!"
Jiang Cheng whipped around. "Give me a moment, Jin Ling!"
"I've given you several already," he argued.
"Surely another won't kill you!"
"Tch."
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes and turned back to Xichen.
"You should go," Xichen said sweetly. "You can find me later if you want to."
"All right," Jiang Cheng mumbled, suddenly unsure what exactly he was supposed to say to him. "I'll see you later."
"I look forward to it."
With that, he turned gracefully and headed down the hall toward his guest quarters. Jiang Cheng watched him go for a while before eventually returning to his dreaded conversation with Jin Ling.
"You're unbelievable," Jin Ling admonished as he closed the door again. "You lecture me constantly about angering other sect leaders and here you are destroying my palace."
"Not your whole palace," Jiang Cheng said heatedly. "I apologized. I said I'd replace what I could. What do you want from me?"
"You didn't, actually."
"Didn't what?"
"You didn't apologize," Jin Ling said, arms folded.
Jiang Cheng raised his eyebrows. "So that's what you want?"
"It's the most I can ask for. And you apologize so rarely."
"All right, fine. I'm sorry for breaking your things, Jin Ling."
His eyes widened. Jin Ling blinked several times in disbelief.
"Did you really think I wouldn't say it?" Jiang Cheng asked him.
"I didn't think you were capable of it," Jin Ling replied. His lip twitched, betraying his amusement.
"Very funny, brat. You were enjoying this."
Jin Ling smirked. He then looked around the room, gaze sweeping over the shards of glass and splinters of wood and the empty displays on the wall, until at last he paused on the one surviving painting on the far wall.
"Why'd you leave that?" he asked, pointing at it.
Jiang Cheng shrugged. "I got tired, I guess."
"You really are getting old, huh?"
Jiang Cheng smacked him lightly on the back of his head.
"So much for that apology," Jin Ling grumbled. "It's not like you can replace these things. You should be nicer to me."
"Maybe," Jiang Cheng said quietly. Then, he frowned.
"A-Ling?"
"What?"
"Why were you here tonight?" Jiang Cheng asked. "You don't come here. You told me yourself."
Jin Ling absently brushed dust from the surface of the desk with his hand. He looked over at Jiang Cheng and shrugged. The corners of his eyes were slightly narrowed and the inner part of his eyebrows were turned upward. His pain was plain to see.
"To do this... maybe," Jin Ling breathed, pointing around at the room. "I don't know."
Jiang Cheng opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again when he realized he didn't actually know what to say.
Jin Ling had heard all of his opinions about Jin Guangyao. He knew very well what Jiang Cheng thought of him. So repeating those thoughts didn't seem like the answer. They hadn't helped him before. They wouldn't help now.
He needed to hear something different. He needed to hear something that Jiang Cheng had never said to him before.
"I'm sorry I took that from you," Jiang Cheng said quietly.
"What?"
"If you wanted to break things in here, you should have been the one to do it," Jiang Cheng said. "I had no right."
"No, it's fine," Jin Ling said. "I don't actually care. This is easier, maybe. Forces me to clear out this place."
"You don't want to keep any of it?"
Jin Ling seemed surprised by the question. "No. Well, I don't know. I don't know why I came here."
"Hm."
They stood there for a time before Jin Ling wandered off to sit on the desk. Jiang Cheng found it odd that he wouldn't sit in the chair behind it, but he didn't comment.
After all, when he thought about it, it wasn't really that odd at all.
"A-Ling?"
"Yeah?"
Jiang Cheng took a deep steadying breath as Jin Ling watched him, waiting.
"I - uh - everything in Nightless City made me see that I-" Jiang Cheng cleared his throat, hating how much he was struggling to say what he needed to say, "-uh - I haven't been there for you - um - in some of the ways that I - uh - maybe should have been."
"Okay...?" Jin Ling said slowly, utterly perplexed.
Jiang Cheng pinched the bridge of his nose. "I mean to ask, how are you? After everything?"
Jin Ling shifted on the desk. He turned his eyes to the ground, looking uncomfortable. "Fine, I guess," he said. "Why?"
A-Li would be so disappointed in me, Jiang Cheng thought to himself. She'd have no problem talking to him. Why can't I get over myself?
"Listen, A-Ling," Jiang Cheng said, wringing his hands. "I hate Jin Guangyao more than I've hated most anyone. You know that. And I think you hate him a bit too. But I also think - no, I know - that there's a part of you that doesn't hate him."
"I'm sorry," Jin Ling started to say. "I can't help it. I don't know why-"
"No, no, no," Jiang Cheng said hurriedly. "What I'm trying to say is that you can tell me... about that part."
Jin Ling's mouth fell open slightly.
"You won't offend me," Jiang Cheng went on, "I'll try to keep my feelings about him out of it."
"No, Jiujiu," Jin Ling said, seeming to come out of his initial shock. "It's fine. I'm fine. Really. We don't have to do this."
Should he drop it there? Jin Ling said he could. So he could walk away, right? Goodness, he wanted to walk away.
But he couldn't. He knew he couldn't.
"If you don't want to discuss it, we don't have to," Jiang Cheng said. "But as much as you might not believe me when I say this to you, I think it should be said."
"What is it?"
"I understand what you're feeling a little better than you probably realize."
Jin Ling scoffed. "No, Jiujiu. I really don't think you do."
Jiang Cheng sighed. "Maybe one day I'll explain it to you in detail, but not... not now."
"Sure," Jin Ling said quietly.
He was doing what he'd always done to him. Jiang Cheng always put off telling him about his past, even when Jin Ling begged him. It wasn't surprising that he sounded unconvinced that Jiang Cheng was actually going to tell him anything.
Jiang Cheng covered his face with his hands for a moment, wondering how it was that he'd made things even worse by talking.
"I wish," Jiang Cheng said, uncovering his face again, "I wish I could make you believe whichever version of the story would make you happiest - Jin Guangyao cared about you or he never did. But I can't."
Jin Ling watched him intently. So, Jiang Cheng went on.
"You'll never know what to believe," he said. "Even when he answered you himself, you didn't really know, did you?" Jin Ling shook his head. Jiang Cheng nodded. "You're never going to know."
The silence that fell between them once he'd stopped talking wasn't so much uncomfortable as it was painful. He could see Jin Ling struggling to hold himself together in front of him. He gripped the edge of the desk so tightly the veins in his hands stood out. His jaw was set and clenched.
The tremble of his lip, though, gave him away.
"I don't know which is better," Jin Ling whispered at last. "I don't know what I want. If he cared, it's harder to hate him. And I want to hate him. But if I hate him and tell myself that he never cared, then everything he ever said to me or did for me meant nothing. I don't know which is better. Which is better?"
"I don't know."
Jin Ling bit his lip and nodded. Jiang Cheng saw the tears before Jin Ling hastily wiped them away.
"He's made you question how he thought of you," Jiang Cheng said quietly. "It makes me wonder whether I've also..."
Jin Ling's eyes widened again and he leapt from the desk.
"Oh!" he cried, moving even farther away from Jiang Cheng. "No, I don't - ugh, don't!" He waved his arms about wildly. "We just don't say those things to each other! I think you might drop dead if you tried saying sappy things to me now! I'm surprised you haven't already hit the floor!"
"Tch. Don't be rude."
"Well, don't be weird!" Jin Ling retorted.
He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. When he finally managed to look up at Jiang Cheng again, he laughed nervously. Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes.
Then, Jin Ling took a hesitant step toward him. And then another. And another...
Before he knew it, Jin Ling had crossed the distance between them and flung his arms around Jiang Cheng. Unsure what to do, Jiang Cheng gingerly patted his back.
"You don't need to say it," Jin Ling said, his voice muffled. "I know it already. I've never wondered."
His heart soared. He'd thought he was telling Jin Ling what he needed to hear, but maybe it was the other way around.
Jiang Cheng embraced him tightly, afraid that if he let go, it would undo everything that they'd said.
"That's good to hear," Jiang Cheng whispered. "Maybe your mother would forgive me a little, then."
"Jiujiu," said Jin Ling, releasing him and stepping back to face him again, "we should make a deal."
"I think I've had quite enough deals lately," Jiang Cheng grumbled.
Jin Ling huffed a sigh. "I'll try to talk to you more if you swear to never try to be my mother."
"Ah," Jiang Cheng said, relieved. "Deal."
"Great. Now finish cleaning this up."
Jiang Cheng bristled at his orders, but he didn't talk back. He glared at him as Jin Ling smirked and put his hands on his hips, waiting for him to start yelling at him so he could tell him off for it.
"Fine," said Jiang Cheng stiffly. "What do you want done with that?"
He pointed at the surviving painting, a field of flowers beneath a dawning sun. Jin Ling stared at it.
"It's nice," Jin Ling said gruffly. "I'm not one for art, though. Maybe I'll have it returned to wherever he got it from."
"I don't think Zewu-jun will want it back," Jiang Cheng said.
"Zewu-jun? Oh, he paints, doesn't he? Is this one of his?"
Jiang Cheng nodded. Jin Ling frowned.
"He and Shushu were very close, weren't they?" he said quietly.
"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to," Jiang Cheng warned him.
Jin Ling's frown deepened. Then, his eyebrows shot up.
"Him too?!" he cried. "Is my whole family made up of cut sleeves and no one thought to tell me?!"
Jiang Cheng shrugged. "Your father wasn't one as far as I'm aware."
"And my mother?!"
"Would the term still be 'cut sleeve'? I mean, isn't there-?"
"Jiujiu! Answer me!"
"I'm not sure," Jiang Cheng said honestly. "She made some comments about a doctor who helped me. But I told her not to talk that way about her again because it was dangerous. I was never sure if she had been joking or not."
It racked him with guilt to recount that to Jin Ling. After promising Yanli that he would look after Wei Wuxian for his interests, he had failed to do the same for her.
Jin Ling stared at him. "You've never told me that," he whispered.
"I haven't told you a lot of things," Jiang Cheng said.
"Are you… will you tell me now? When I ask?"
Jiang Cheng wanted to say he wasn't ready to tell him right now, but he stopped himself. He'd made Jin Ling wait sixteen years to hear any of it. He had no right to keep it from him any longer.
"If I know the answer," Jiang Cheng said solemnly, "I'll tell you when you ask."
The look that Jin Ling gave him then cut his heart with even more guilt than before.
"Whenever I ask?"
"Whenever you ask," Jiang Cheng said firmly. "Within reason."
Jin Ling watched him for another second or so, as if worried Jiang Cheng would suddenly revoke his offer. When he didn't, he carried on their conversation, thankfully not making good on the offer immediately.
"I really didn't stand a chance, did I?" Jin Ling breathed. "My entire family tree... I was doomed from the start."
"Now you're just being dramatic."
"Dramatic?!" Jin Ling yelled. "You're the one who wouldn't just tell me you were a cut sleeve too! You decided you had to show me! Do you have any idea how much I didn't want to see that?!"
Jiang Cheng snorted. "I didn't have a lot of options left to me. I could barely talk."
"Then do your best!" Jin Ling shouted. "But don't do that! Ugh and now I'm cursed to keep walking in on you two?!"
"You could knock first."
"IN MY OWN PALACE?! IN MY UNCLE'S STUDY?!"
"All right, all right, I see your point."
"Seriously, Jiujiu, if I see that again, I'll have both of you thrown from Jinlintai."
Jiang Cheng straightened his back. Jin Ling shrank down marginally.
"Joking," Jin Ling said hastily. "Just joking."
"Hm," said Jiang Cheng, folding his arms. "You won't see it again, so it won't be an issue anyhow."
"Good."
"And - um - for what it's worth," Jiang Cheng went on, unfolding his arms to wring his hands together. He wasn't sure he should say what he was going to.
"For what it's worth, what?" Jin Ling prompted when he'd taken too long to continue.
"I'm sorry about the Lan boy."
"What?"
"Those two Lan boys," Jiang Cheng said, "I saw them together the other day. I wasn't sure which one you liked, but if they'd rather stay within their own family, maybe it's best that you find someone else anyway."
Jin Ling went as red in the face as a person could. Jiang Cheng regretted having said anything.
"They - they aren't related!" Jin Ling stammered. "Sizhui - well - Jingyi isn't really a Lan. It's a long story."
"Oh."
"And besides," Jin Ling went on, rubbing the back of his neck, "it's - um - fine that they're together. I - um - I'm with them too."
Jiang Cheng furrowed his brow. "What do you mean?"
"I mean - um - all three of us are... together."
"What?" Jiang Cheng said.
As it started to make sense to him, Jiang Cheng was unable to contain the confused laughter that bubbled up inside him.
"It's like a harem, then?"
"What? Jiujiu, no!" Jin Ling cried, somehow turning even redder.
"That's what it sounds like to me. You've started a harem."
"I haven't!"
Jiang Cheng shrugged, still chuckling. "I don't really care, A-Ling."
"It's not a harem!"
"Fine. But whatever you call it, it sounds like a lot of work. Good luck with that."
"Please don't tell anyone," Jin Ling breathed. "I'm not ready for anyone to know yet."
"Those two aren't keeping it quiet."
"My involvement, I mean. I'm not ready."
"Ah."
Jiang Cheng supposed he could understand that. Jin Ling was a sect leader. He could stand to lose a lot more than either of the Lan boys if news of his interests was not well received in Lanling.
"I can keep a secret," Jiang Cheng assured him.
Jin Ling smiled in relief. "Thank you, Jiujiu."
"I want a couple of things in return, though."
Jin Ling immediately tensed again. "Like what?"
Jiang Cheng crossed his arms. "Just like you don't want to see me and Zewu-jun, I don't ever want to see the three of you."
"Me neither," Jin Ling said hurriedly, cheeks turning pink again. "I'll make sure you don't."
"Good. And I want you to formally introduce them to me sometime."
"What? Why? So you can intimidate them?"
"Precisely."
Jin Ling scowled. "Why would I let you scare them off like that?"
"I won't scare them off. Quite the opposite, actually."
Jin Ling shook his head. "Now I'm definitely keeping them away from you."
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll be reasonable. But I still want to meet them."
"Do you even know how to be reasonable?"
Jiang Cheng reached over to pinch his cheek, but Jin Ling was ready for it and ducked away.
"See? This is exactly what I mean!" Jin Ling shouted.
"You little brat," Jiang Cheng growled. "You'll either introduce them to me or I'll track them down individually myself. Which do you prefer?"
He caught him then. Jin Ling struggled furiously, tugging at his wrists and trying to stomp on his feet, but Jiang Cheng pinched his cheek anyway.
"Ow! Fine! I'll introduce you!" Jin Ling bellowed, rubbing his face. "You can't pinch me like that anymore! I'm not a child!"
"Haven't I told you already?" Jiang Cheng said, releasing him. "I don't care if you're thirty. I can still discipline you."
"Unreasonable."
"Brat."
Although he'd fixed him with a dirty look, Jiang Cheng knew that Jin Ling was annoyed more so than actually angry. So, he rolled his eyes at him, making Jin Ling's annoyance grow more palpable.
"I have one more thing to ask you," Jiang Cheng said.
Jin Ling glowered at him. "Haven't you leveraged my private life enough already?"
"It's nothing to do with that."
"What, then?"
"Do you know a good place to buy flowers around here?"