A/N:
chapter 34 is when i picked this story back up after setting it aside to finish and work on other things (i forgot i still had a few chapters i hadn't published yet), so if you notice a difference in the writing for chapter 34 and beyond, that's why. aka, everything up to chapter 34 is my old writing.

Shouto Todoroki

After everything I've put him through, and after everything he's told me, I want to repay him. I never did that. I hardly thanked him, I never showed him how much he meant to me, I… I just refused his help without acknowledging how he felt. I didn't care. I just wanted things to go my way, thinking it was the right way. I understand what he meant when he told me I wasn't seeing things right. He was right. I covered my eyes and ears with a wall of lies and a mask of indifference as a coping method. I thought I was thinking rationally and normally…but I really wasn't.

Todoroki silently cherished the palpable sensation of love that held him fast before whispering, "I'm not ready to leave this endless tunnel yet, but I'm ready to say that I'm sick of being trapped here. This is the world I know, and leaving it is going to take a lot of dedication. It's a part of who I am. It's all I know right now, so letting go of it means letting go of a defining part of me. I recognize that, and I know I'm not capable of doing it alone. I'd…just end up relapsing, giving up, and retreating deeper into this tunnel." He curled his legs around Bakugou's hips to fully ensconce the latter. "I trust you, I think. I gave up on being happy again. I gave up on getting better. I gave up on myself, my life included.

"I still don't want to try, to put in the effort, or to feel my failures, but I'd be an even greater fool to give up now. Not every struggle is worth my time to overcome, but this is one I can't run from. I can't deny that I make you happy. I make you smile. I make you…soft and cuddly. To end my life would be to obliterate all of that. I owe so much to you. What gives me the right to put you through so much grief because of my own struggles? Nothing. It'd be like saying you weren't enough for me. If my life can bring you that much happiness, then I guess…I'll have to face reality, and I'll live. It's the least I can do after everything I've so foolishly burdened you with.

"I hate feeling my emotions, and I'd rather feel indifferent and numb, but it's not the answer. It truly did help when everything was too much to handle, but, in a way, I ended up addicted to that feeling of not having to feel anything. It really is just a wall of ice guarding my psyche from reality. I don't care about anything. All I think about is how to stay that way, and I no longer care about how anyone else feels, even if I can understand how they feel. But…is that really okay? That feeling of being indifferent to it all is still a noose dangling over my head. It's so tantalizing. I want to feel nothing. I want to hang the emotions I don't want to feel.

"My neck might not be in its grasp anymore, but it's so easy to put my head through again. But once I dedicate myself to that, it's far more challenging to get out. That indifference prevents me from falling apart and saves me from the kinds of pain that make me want nothing more than to end the pain by ending my life, but it also makes me realize that I don't have anything to live for anymore, and that ending it all would still be the best choice. How can the things that feel so right be the worst things out there? It's…very frustrating. Every time I think about having to struggle like this for years to come, I just…can't. It's too much to consider…"

A ragged, ugly sob splattered through the air from Todoroki as he blinked another wave of tears down his cheeks. The voices slithering through his head commanded him to bash his wrists together and beat himself down, but he hugged Bakugou with the fraying vestiges of his strength as though those voices would rip him from reality. His body trembled violently against Bakugou, and as the intensity of the voices looming over his mind was significantly augmented, he found himself hyperventilating uncontrollably. Todoroki implored his body to cease its throes of abject dolor, but his body refused.

Bakugou didn't speak, but his tender silence and ardent embrace spoke the world to Todoroki. He'd calmed his breaths and steadied his heart, and with his calloused hands, he gently swept his fingers through Todoroki's silky hair. Despite his placid state, however, Bakugou's expression was bent by his frown.

I don't know what the truth is anymore, cogitated Todoroki while his tears began to taper off. Do I really want to live, or is that just another lie I'm trying to blind myself with? I still want to die. I still want to disappear. I still want to escape. But…I'm still alive.

Todoroki couldn't remember how long he'd sobbed before he and Bakugou sank into their comfortable, silent embrace, but he finally broke that silence by whispering, "Thank you, Katsuki… Can I also…admit something?" He retreated from the warmth of their embrace to lock eyes with Bakugou.

"Course you can."

Swallowing thickly, Todoroki felt as though his voice had shriveled up as he attempted to force the truth out of himself. "I've been… I… You were…" He unconsciously sank his nails into his wrist. "I've… Sorry. I know what I want to say, and I keep repeating those words to myself in my head like I'll forget them, but they won't come out. The words aren't naturally pouring out like they were before. Sorry…" He subtly scratched at his scabs and scars.

"Don't apologize," hissed Bakugou. "I know it's gotta be suffocating for you. Don't beat yourself up." His digits interlaced with Todoroki's hand to preclude the latter's scratching. "Took me a long-ass time to tell anyone about the real reason why I took drugs. I mean, the first reason I told you wasn't technically a lie, but it wasn't the main reason. Tch. I ain't gonna do that again. Especially when you're working so damn hard to change."

Todoroki nodded, recalling the truth that his boyfriend had entrusted him with. "You were right. I…also take them. I'm trying to stop, but I got hooked on them just as fast as I did the first time. It makes me feel numb, and it feels like my life is a game put on autopilot. Like my body and mind have been separated, but they're glued together by the damp sting of numbness. When the effects wear off, I take more, and it progressively gets worse and worse." He shook his head and rested his chin on Bakugou's shoulder. "Thank you…for listening to me, Katsuki. You're always so patient with me. I…"

I don't deserve you. I never did and never will deserve you, but because you're happy to be with me, I'll stay at your side. I'll live. I'll do what it takes…to no longer be the pathetic person you have the disgrace of calling your boyfriend. I think that, and yet, even this resolve isn't enough to restore my motivation. I want so much, but even imagining the work and effort I'll have to commit to is… It breaks me.

The silence that had ensued was neatly folded away as Bakugou sighed, "I know what you mean. Damn. That brings back memories… But, oi. Always happy to listen. Spouting your problems and thoughts doesn't make you a burden in the slightest, Shouto. We all need someone we can dump those thoughts to. So, if you feel the most comfortable with talking about things with me, I'll take that with pride—not annoyance or chagrin." He nodded slowly and firmly embraced his lover for a moment. "How do you feel right now?"

I did nothing but burden you, and yet, you still think like that? I don't deserve you. But if I can make you happy, I'll suffer for as long as it takes. It's the least I can do to repay everything you've done for me. Everything I didn't see. Everything I neglected.

"I don't know," Todoroki admitted while standing up to his feet. "It's hard to say what I'm feeling and why. I feel so detached from my emotions, but still trapped in a concealed space with them." He rummaged through his bag and extracted a sheet of paper. "I wrote a poem recently, though. I…wanted to show you."

A soft, alluring smile materialized on Bakugou's mien. "Emotions are crazy, and you don't gotta know the root as to why you feel what you do. But I'm excited to read it. Hand it over." His digits splayed as he extended his hand to Todoroki.

"I'm…still a bit self-conscious about showing other people what I wrote. But I trust you with my poems. Sorry. Here."

"Best Friend"

The day we met? I can't remember.
You were a hazy, distant character.
It must have been ten years ago
You dyed my bones in blue.
First, you were a mosquito
Buzzing and zipping in my ear,
Dotting red and blue circles.
You morphed into a vulture
Scraping deep into my shoulder.
Your shrill, black caws punctured
My crimson temples like needles.
I couldn't comprehend your pleas.
You shredded the festering
Mosquitoes in my swollen amygdala.
High-pitched buzzing severed,
Your sharp shrieks perforated
My singed glass chest instead.
I didn't mind the shrieks filling
My mind with a burning white snow,
Crushing my body in its afterglow.
You picked off the pests' corpses,
Morphing into a humanoid shape.
You extended your cloud-like hand,
Twining my peeling flesh with yours.
I drowned into your undying warmth,
Allowing us to breathe as one.
Despite that, we are not the same.
We will split when I divine your name.