A\N: This is another Willicia oneshot. This is what I think goes through Will's head as he's dying in the courtroom. I managed to publish 3 stories last night which is a record over the past few months. This is a kind of an AU for 5x15, I know I said no more Willicia for a while but that was before I found this one. I hope you enjoy this one, Angels.
He envisioned a life much like he's living now, minus the dying on the courtroom floor, when he started at Georgetown 20 years; alone, working until he retires, or drops dead in his office like Jonas Stern did a few years ago. But when he met Alicia Cavanaugh at their L1 pool party 20 years ago, he had a different life planned, one that involved them being married and running the top law firms in the country with kids running around with a dog chasing them while they watched on with smiles on their faces.
Until she suddenly broke things off with him and met Peter Florrick in their last year of Georgetown, shattering the life he had always hoped they'd have together. A life where they grew old together and watched as their grandchildren ran around the house they had shared and raised their children in.
He saw graduating by her side, he saw their first paid jobs as first year associates at their first firms, he saw them both moving up the ladder, he saw them getting engaged, he saw their wedding, he saw their honeymoon, he saw their own law firm, he saw them in corner offices opposite each other, he saw their kids, he saw laughter, he saw vacations, he saw a life with her, the woman who had broken his hearts more times than she knew. Starting with when she ended it between them at Georgetown.
He feels the blood pouring out of him, pain making him cry out silently, he wishes Alicia was here just a split second before he shakes his head no. He doesn't want her to see him like this: bleeding out on the courtroom floor in the lap of the prosecutor. He wants her to remember him as the cutthroat lawyer that he was.
He feels his lips moving, trying to tell Finn to tell Alicia that he loves her but he knows he's too far gone, and even if Finn has heard him, there's no guarantee that he would tell Alicia what he said so he gives up trying to gain Finn's attention.
Focus on anything but the pain, Will. Comes Alicia from somewhere he can't see. She said that the first time he got injured in college when he dislocated his shoulder pitching. So he does what he's told: focus on anything other than the pain. He focuses on her and the engagement he saw whenever he envisioned a life with her in New York City. The city that gave them a chance unlike Chicago never did.
New York City, December 1994:
It's snowing when he checked his pocket with his hand that was intertwined with hers. They've been working hard, her more than him, since they started at their new firms 6 months ago. They both applied to the same firm but they only hired Will, leaving Alicia scrambling to apply to other law firms.
The snow crunches underneath their feet as the flakes start falling again from the sky. They had chosen New York because it's in the middle of Baltimore and Chicago. It was a choice they made together when they graduated. They both wanted to go and work in the cities where they grew up which caused a massive argument but ultimately they chose a city that they didn't know, where no one knew them, and was in the middle of the cities they grew up in.
Alicia, beside him, shivers with a smile on her face as the snow falls around them.
"I love you." He says suddenly, Alicia looks at him, the smile still on her face. "I love you too." She replies. He stops and presses a kiss to her cold and chapped lips which taste like the hot chocolate she had before they left their apartment when he suggested they take a walk in the small park near their building.
She kisses him back and wraps her free hand around his waist. He pulls away and kisses her cold and red nose as he reaches inside his coat and grabs the small box he's had for the past 3 years. He kneels down in front of her, the snow seeping through his pants but he doesn't care, all he cares about is the girl in front of him with a hand over her mouth, tears in her hazel coloured eyes as she stares at him.
"Alicia Cavanaugh, I've loved you for the last four years, I fell in love with you the second I laid eyes on you standing by the bar with a glass of wine at our L1 pool party. I've spent the last four years by your side and I have fallen in love with you more and more every day. I want to wake you up with coffee and breakfast in bed and spend the rest of our lives falling in love with you all over again. Will you let me fall in love with you every day, will you marry me?" Will asks, the snow falls harder now, so hard it's covered them, Alicia nods her head.
"Yes." She chokes through the tears falling down her face, Will smiles as he puts the diamond ring on her finger and gets to his feet before kissing her deeply. It's his new fiance who breaks the kiss and hugs him hard before slipping her hand into his. "Come on, let's get back home before we freeze to death and can't have a wedding." She says, he only chuckles and lets her lead him out of the park and back home where they spend the rest of the night underneath the sheets talking about their wedding and the future they'll have together.
Will comes out of his head when he hears a familiar voice. Oh god, he thinks, don't let it be Alicia, please don't let it be Alicia.
It's not Alicia, it's Kalinda and she sounds scared. The pain is back again and this time it's worse, a lot worse, than earlier. He wants it to go, to fade away, he wants his death to be quick. To take his mind off the pain of his ever slow death, he thinks about his wedding to Alicia, the wedding that he never had.
New York City, December 1995:
It's finally the day he marries the love of his life. They've been engaged for a year, he wanted to elope, fly to Vegas and be married within an hour the weekend after he proposed, but his fiance threatened to tell his mother if they did it. So he had waited an entire year because his fiance wanted a winter wedding outside with only their family, and a few friends they'd made in New York and few from school that they stayed in contact with.
So now he stands at the end of the altar with his best friend as his best man beside him, waiting for his fiance to come. It's freezing but it's bearable, he can bear it, for Alicia he can bear it.
Suddenly, he can see his bride dressed in a strapless white dress with her hair curled and pulled into a pile on top of her head, held together with glitter hair slides, her new earrings hanging from her ears, her feet encased in white wedges. She looks breathtaking.
She walks herself down the aisle after her Maid of Honour, her eyes locked on his. It's not long before her hand is in his outstretched one. He tunes out everything except his vows.
"Leesh, I knew we'd be here at the altar one day. From the second I saw you five years ago at Georgetown, I knew we'd make it, knew I could do anything with you at my side. For five years you've been at my side supporting me in everything I do, cheering me on from the bleachers. You've been my biggest cheerleader. Before I met you, I felt like I was missing a part of myself, then when I started Georgetown and met you, I found my missing piece. I love you, Alicia and I can't wait to be by your side as you light the world on fire and burn it all down."
Alicia has tears running down her face but she lets them fall.
"Will, I never wanted to fall in love. I had a plan, a plan that left no room for falling in love, but then five years ago, this boy was doing cannonballs into a pool and our eyes met as he got out of it, he walked over to me and introduced himself to me as William Paul Gardner, law student, and then I knew my plan, my plan of not falling in love was sand swept up in a sand storm, like it never existed because I had fallen heads over heels in love with you the second you introduced yourself to me that night five years ago. You've blown all my plans up and I don't care because all I care about is you, you and me and the life we're about to live. I'll love you forever."
Then they're announced husband and wife, and he's permitted to kiss his wife, and he does: he lets go of her hand, cups her face in his hands and kisses her deeply.
His wife.
Above them, as they walk back up the aisle as husband and wife, hand in hand with matching smiles on their faces, snow falls down around them.
Will wanted to be her husband, to take care of the women he's loved for half of his lifetime but he had lost his chance to make her his wife 20 years ago, hell even 2 years ago.
He feels his death coming faster now, the pain fading little by little, the bleeding slowing down. He can't remember how many times he was shot but it felt like fire was ripping throughout his body, until it faded. Now everything is going in and out of focus, spots colour his vision, everything is getting blurrier and blurrier as each second that passes.
He feels himself fading away from everyone and everything, a sure sign that his death is looming: the courtroom, his law firm, his employees, his partner, Diane, Kalinda, his clients, his enemies, his friends, his mother, sisters, his little niece who thinks Uncle Will is the best because every time he visits, he brings her a new toy or a new feels himself fading away from the love of his life of 20 years.
Alicia. Beautiful, sexy, passionate, fiery, angry, Alicia.
Flashes of Alicia, and himself, over the past 20 years flash through his mind so fast he only sees glimpses of it.
Alicia in the conference room.
Alicia in court, pissed off with opposing counsel.
Alicia laughing.
Alicia dancing with Diane in her office while tipsy on wine.
Alicia sleeping in his bed after a night of sex.
Alicia surrounded by law books and coffee cups.
Alicia wearing his sweatshirt.
Alicia cheering him on at baseball and basketball games.
Both of them cheering each other at graduation.
Alicia jumping into the pool in a red bikini with a scream and a smile on her face.
Alicia pushing him into the pool at their last ever pool party at Georgetown.
Alicia crying in his office when she ended it between them for the second time
Alicia crying in his living room when she ended it between them for the first time.
Alicia and him kissing for the first in Georgetown.
Alicia kissing for the last time in Georgetown.
Alicia kissing him for the first time in 15 years.
Alicia kissing him for the last time in 19 years.
There are also quick flashes of him and Alicia, and the life they could have had but never did, it was life he had dreamt up, a life he had planned 20 years ago when he first met her.
Running after two little toddlers, both girls who look exactly like their beautiful mother, in the big backyard of the house they chose to raise their family in, the dog chasing them.
Sitting on a porch, old and grey as the sun set over their house.
Laughter filling every inch of their house
Kissing her in what is their law firm. Gardner/Gardner.
Renewing their vows.
Holding their grandchildren when they are born.
Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years of kisses being exchanged.
Telling their children and grandchildren how they met.
Retelling their love story over and over again.
Reliving their love story in their minds.
Living a life with Alicia Gardner was all he ever wanted.
With Alicia and the life he could have had clinging to him, he allowed death to claim him, Alicia Cavanaugh's voice welcoming him to the afterlife.
He wonders what the afterlife will be like.
And whether he'll be living the life he could have been living 20 years ago, if she had chosen him or if had fought for her like he should have.
Standing in front of a black headstone, an elderly woman with grey hair, looks at the inscription with tears falling down her face:
Live the life you could have had.
She places the bouquet of flowers in her hands at the base of the marker and kisses the name on it, staring at her in gold lettering:
William Paul Gardner.
"Live the life we could have had if I had chosen you 40 years ago." She tells the grave before she turns away and walks down the hill, feeling the presence she's felt around for the last 40 years, watching over her like he'd done in life and now in death.
A\N: I know the ending makes no sense but it's all I've got as I'm tired and personal reasons have been on my mind all day. I will write another Willicia oneshot tomorrow. I hope you enjoy this Willicia oneshot, my Angels.