Days turn into weeks, and Jay does improve, slowly. His ankle gets better, his cough sounds less severe. He gradually gets more waking hours, and can walk a little more before his lungs give up on him. He starts washing his hair. Kai lets him start strength training, with tiny little weights, in very small batches. He is eating more, talking more, but he still doesn't feel like himself. The fog of fatigue is like a blanket of cotton wool, stuck pushing on his thoughts, on his muscles, on his breaths. It made everything harder, and while it did feel a bit lighter, it was still there.
Maybe I just need to push through it, maybe that will help me rip it away?
Jay goes out to the courtyard, it is a sunny day, still a bit crisp with the exiting trails of winter, nice weather for a run. He does some stretches, trying to warm up, ignoring the slight pain in his side, bloody hell ribs take forever to heal.. And then he starts running. He wanted to do a lap, just one fucking lap. His lungs complain almost immediately. Just push through, I can do this. Halfway round he is really struggling to breathe, he slows down, a little unsteady, but keeps going. Just a bit more, just.. His thoughts are interrupted when he trips, ground rushing up to meet him. He yelps as his hands instinctively break his fall, but it doesn't stop that familiar pain shooting up his side. He lies there, tears in his eyes, realising he failed. His lungs are burning, screaming for air as he lays there gasping for breath. Shit, I can't breathe, like I really can't breathe.. He starts moving one trembling hand down to his pocket before realising his inhaler is sitting in his room. His room. Which was a measly 22 steps from the courtyard, but he wasn't sure if he could walk even 1 right now.
He rolls over onto his back and looks up at the sky, debating if he should even try to get up, start walking, or crawling, his way to an inhaler, when a little voice pops into his head. What's the point? Survival is temporary. This isn't going to end. This is your life now. Is it really worth the continued struggle? He lays there, continuing to gasp for breath. You want to stop, don't you?
He hears one of the sliding doors open. "Cole, what are you doing?" says Kai, voice distant.
"I thought I heard something.." says Cole, much closer, it must have been him who opened the door. "Jay? You out here? Jay!" He hears the moment Cole spots him, the panic, the change in tone. Running. At least Cole can still run. Hands grabbing him, helping him sit up against the wall. "Jay, I got you, it's gonna be ok." Inhaler suddenly in his hand, hand moved to his mouth, all he has to do is press the button. Press the button, and keep breathing, keep going, keep suffering. You want to stop, don't you?
He looks into Cole's eyes, seeing his panic, seeing his fear. Cole doesn't want me to stop. He presses the button. He breathes. He presses the button again. Soon Kai is there too, squatting beside Cole.
"Shit. Jay, what happened?" asks Kai with concern.
Jay takes few breaths before answering, it was starting to get easier. "I was running." He says guiltily, noticing the scratches on his hands were starting to sting.
"Running?" Says Kai with outrage, "Why on earth were you running?"
"Settle down!" says Cole to Kai, noticing a tear forming in the corner of Jay's eye.
"It's been 5 weeks." Jay mutters.
Cole groans. "The doctors said after 5 days on a ventilator, it should take 5 weeks before Jay was feeling back to normal." he explains to Kai.
Kai huffs, "That doesn't mean you just start running, on your own, with no one watching you! You gotta stick to the plan, you are getting stronger."
You're lying, the plan sucks.
Cole puts an arm on Kai, trying to calm him, before turning to Jay. "Kai's right, there's no need to rush things. 5 weeks is just a guideline, just because it's taking longer, doesn't mean it isn't working."
You're wrong, I'm not getting better.
Jay nods. "I'm sorry." he says weakly. And he is sorry. Sorry that they're stuck looking after him, sorry that he's gone and made them worry again.
After that Cole notices a change in Jay, like the fire in his eyes has gone out. He gets more distant and spacey, like he was back in the hospital. He once finds him just lying there staring at the TV, except the TV was off. Getting any sort of conversation out of him is a struggle, most questions met with single one word responses. Jay spends most of his time in his room, which is a mess of dirty clothes and litter piled all over the floor, but he won't let anyone help him clean it. He misses motormouth. He misses Jay's smile. He misses his friend. Maybe it's just a slump, he'll get over it soon right? After 3 weeks Cole is ready to admit defeat. When he is sure Jay's asleep, he goes to find Zane and Kai, so they can plan what to do.