You are running out of your mind.
You have been trying to draw a mental picture of Brittany's situation with the very tiny bits of information you have gotten here and there, but everything is so messy you have no idea how to untangle it. You actually end up taking pen and paper and write down an outline of everything you know since you left Lima.
For what you know, Brittany took 5 years of bad decisions, Quinn didn't elaborate but knowing Brittany, it could be right about anything and you wouldn't be surprised. From then on, at some point she went to live with your Abuela, and apparently 2 years ago she moved to New York, and now she's recovering from a brutal accident.
Yeah, it doesn't make much sense and your head is starting to hurt. You haven't called Quinn yet, and it's long overdue, so you might as well do it now, get it done and try to add some pieces to the puzzle. You start pacing around your room as you dial her number.
"Finally." Is all she says when she picks the phone up.
"Yeah, yeah, Fabray." You reply mockingly.
"Are you sitting down?" She asks and you frown.
"Should I?" You ask and she makes an affirmative noise.
"Santana...you are not going to like this." She says and it confuses you even more but you don't say anything, you patiently wait till she kindly decides to tell you everything. "So, you remember how I told you that Brittany and I stopped talking?" She asks and you nod.
Then you realise she can't see you.
"Yes, I do." You say warily. You haven't sat down but you have stopped your pacing dead on your tracks, all your senses in overdrive.
"Well, the span of the past five years apparently have been hell to her. Everything happened so fast...I can't even imagine..." She rambles.
"Get to the point, Fabray." You urge her almost desperately.
"Okay, okay. So not long after our disagreement, her parents died..."
"What?" You ask and your heart clenches hard. You lost your parents so you know how much that hurts, but you also considered Whitney and Pierce Pierce like your second family. They always were kind to you. You can feel a tear running down your cheek.
"Yeah..." Even Quinn's voice sounds a bit broken. "For what I gathered...they were on a helicopter ride over Lima for their anniversary and the chopper had some fatal failure...it exploded in the air..."
You are full on crying now. Your parents had a car accident, and it was sad, very very sad and a very hard pill to swallow. But exploding in a million pieces? Dear Lord, Brittany must have been broken.
"There is more..." Quinn says after letting you sob for a few seconds.
"Oh, God." You say. You have slowly moved to your bed and are sitting on it, fisting your sheets so hard with your free hand that your knuckles have turned white.
"Uh... Apparently after that, she got married, and pregnant." She states and falls silent again. For some reason your heart instantly breaks at the thought of her married to someone who isn't you. You are such a hypocrite.
"Well. Where is he?" You ask curtly.
"Dead, too. In a year Brittany had a miscarriage and her husband committed suicide." Quinn breathes deeply. You know this is hurting her too, despite of everything that went down between them, they were best friends once.
"Jesus Christ..." is the only thing you can say, as tears keep flowing out your eyes. You weren't expecting that, like at all.
"That was around the time she moved in with your Abuela, spent two years with her. Now she has been in New York for a little under two years. For what I understand she's doing okay there. She runs a dance studio, she teaches maths on the side, and for what her Instagram timeline shows...she's a big fan of Pamela Lansbury." She states and you almost choke at the last part. "Tana, she has been to a shit ton of your shows. I honestly have no idea how you two haven't met till now. I mean, I know New York is a big city but..." she rambles on, and you ask yourself the same thing.
"How did you find out all of this?" You ask, once your tears have dried.
"You remember Sam Evans?" She asks and you take a moment, the name rings a bell but you are not entirely sure. "Trouty Mouth?" She adds.
"Ah, yes. I do. What about him?" You ask.
"Well, it took me a little time. First I found out on my own about her parents, then for some reason I run into him when I haven't seen him for years. He's gullible as ever, he ended up telling me everything. Apparently they are best friends or something. Just so you know, I told him about the accident, it was the least I could do. I think he is in New York now." She tells you. That would explain the mysterious teddy bear.
After a little more small talk and catching up, you hung up the phone and let yourself fall flat on the bed.
Wow, that was a lot of bad news and you are trying to process it all. You are sad for Brittany and you want to talk to her, to tell her that she can always count on you, that she always could. But you know it's not the moment, with her memory failing her it probably would be worse for her if you even tried.
Later on the day you have put all the information in order, and it's finally starting to make sense. You still want to talk more with your grandmother, and obviously you want to hear Brittany's side, but finally things are starting to clear. And you thought your life was a mess. You have had it pretty easy since you moved.
By the evening you take a scolding hot shower and wash your hair, and once you step out of it, feeling way better than you have felt the rest of the day, you grab your phone only to find a notification that you have a voice message; the caller's ID is Holly Holiday.
You frown, as you don't recall hearing it ring while you were in the shower, and your phone isn't showing a missed call, so she must have called your voice mail directly. That is weird.
When you call your voice mail service, you start crying again instantly. It's not Dr. Holiday, it's Brittany, and she sounds tired, sad, and nervous.
"Hi...Santana,
There is something I need to tell you... I wanted to do it yesterday, but I chickened out. And you know I've never been too good with words, but we used to sing to each other when we couldn't express our feelings with words, remember? Well, I have been working on my singing, I'm not you, but I hope this doesn't make you want to rip your ears off. Listen closely...okay?
I heard that you're settled down
That you found a girl and you're married now
I heard that your dreams came true
Guess she gave you things, I didn't give to you
Old friend, why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light...
I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it
I had hoped you'd see my face
And that you'd be reminded that for me, it isn't over...
You know how the time flies
Only yesterday was the time of our lives
We were born and raised in a summer haze
Bound by the surprise of our glory days...
Nothing compares, no worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes, they're memories made
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead...
I...yeah. I skipped the chorus, because I'll never find someone like you, Tana...
I have tried. I have worked my ass off to get over you, but it never happened. This song has been stuck in my head for months now. It feels accurate. I know you are with...someone, and all that the song says too...
I miss you.
I love you...
Okay, bye.
I'm sorry..."
Adele. She dared to bring Adele onto the table. You have a soft spot for her, and the times you have sang that song, even live with your band is uncountable.
Brittany Pierce has officially broken your heart.
No, not broken. With a few words she completely shattered it in a million pieces.
You think of the song. Mistakes and regrets. You have a lot of those. Maybe before digging more into Brittany's life, you need to revisit your own past. You know you have been avoiding it for ten years.
You need to call Will Schuester.
But for now, you violently cry yourself to sleep.