A/N: I know some of you were waiting for this. I don't think there is any mentionable trigger here, but just as a heads-up, I cried while writing it, so it might be a little emotional. I don't know if you have ever gone through something similar, but I have, and believe me, it doesn't matter if the love ended or whatever. It just hurts.
You are sitting down on your favourite armchair, with a packed suitcase beside you, waiting for Dani to come home as you literally cry your eyes out. Hurting Dani hurts you just as much. You may not know anymore whether you are in love with her or not, but you do love her, you do care for her, she had been your rock for a decade. What you are about to do isn't easy for you either. It breaks your heart too. But you know it is what's fair for her and your relationship.
When you hear the fumbling of her keys outside your front door, you try to compose yourself, but it's to no avail. There is no way you can stop the tears pouring out of your eyes.
"Santana, I'm ho-" her words die in her throat as she sees you. She takes a moment to study her surroundings. You see her eyes move from the blazer hanging on the arm of the chair, to the suitcase, and finally to your face. "What...what's going on?" She asks, and you can hear the terror in her voice.
You have no idea how to let her down slowly, how to make it easier for her, and you don't want to sugar coat the news either, so the answer leaves your lips before you can even think of it.
"I'm leaving." You sputter, your eyes fixated somewhere on the carpet as your chest heaves for air while you keep on crying.
"You what?" Dani asks, her voice completely broken. It breaks your heart.
You need to close your eyes for a moment to gather yourself and take a deep breath.
"I have deposited in your bank account enough money for the next few months of mortgage, and also to buy food for the dogs and the cat. And you can call me anytime if you need anything, if something's wrong with the house, if you need more money..." You start rambling but she cuts you off.
"I don't need your money, Santana." She says drily as she crosses her arms over her chest and you swallow. Of course she doesn't need your money, you know that. You really need to measure your words if you don't want to fuck things up even more.
"That is not what I meant." You say, breathing deeply again. At least you have stopped heaving and gasping, but wild tears keep running down your cheeks tirelessly. "I meant that you can still count on me."
"But why?" She asks, and you don't need to look at her to know she's crying.
"You know why." You answer.
"No. No I do not know, Santana. You haven't talked to me about anything, I'm not psychic, you know?" She says and you know she has a point. Besides, it's not like you are diving head first into Brittany's arms. You actually need to be alone as you figure out some stuff and while Brittany recovers enough to have that kind of conversation with her. There is a shit ton of unfinished business between the two of you.
"I need to figure out some stuff, and I have hurt you enough as it is. Dani you don't deserve this, you hear me?" You look up at her as you both start crying wildly again. "You deserve happiness. You are the best woman I have ever known, and it has been an honour to be part of your life. I can't keep breaking your heart over and over and over again. I thought I had my shit together, but it turns out that I'm not better than the mess I was when we first met. You have grown so much, I'm so proud of you, baby, but I'm stuck. I'm stuck in my fifteen year old self, when my whole world crumbled. Please, please, understand me. Please understand that I need to heal first, before I can even think of making you happy, or anyone for that matter." You say, and you really mean it. All your feelings for her have been real for so long that you almost can't believe that you have actually deceived even yourself.
"Does that mean we might still have a chance?" She asks and she is so, so hopeful that it rips your soul in pieces. You already know that the answer is no, but you really don't want to be so harsh on her, so you simply don't reply.
You look at her. You see how she's trying to keep herself together, but she's dying inside. You just broke the woman who has loved you the most. It feels like when you break a plate, even if you fix it, it will never be the same. You want to hold her, to ease her pain, but you are perfectly aware that it would be tremendously counterproductive.
When you can't stand it anymore, you stand up, grab your blazer and your suitcase.
"I'll be staying at the Hilton Hotel near Central Park. Please, call me if you need anything. I mean it." You say, swallowing hard as you start walking towards the door.
"I can't do this without you, Tana..." She whimpers between sobs and you stop your steps and walk up to her.
Softly you grab her face between your hands and look her dead in the eye.
"Of course you can. Of course you can, Dani. And you will. You are strong, fierce and all kinds of awesome. I'm only a burden to you." You whisper softly and try to offer her a smile. You can see her blushing slightly at your words.
And you do something reckless. You know it's not going to do her, or you, any good, but you hope it's not going to do any bad either, and maybe it will serve as a closure. You kiss her. It's not deep, or passionate, but it's meaningful. Just your lips pressed against hers, trying to convey all the feelings you have shared. It's a bittersweet goodbye kiss.
"I truly am sorry. I really am." You mutter when you break apart and resume your walking.
You hear her falling onto her knees, but you don't dare look. You know that, if you do, you are not going to leave.
As the front door closes behind you, you break down sobbing violently. It hurts, it burns, it feels like someone is squishing your lungs and you are not getting enough there. But deep down you know you did the right thing.
Sometimes the right thing hurts like hell, though.