That's it. Your pity party is over. You need to do something before the abyss of self-loath swallows you whole.
You may think this is because you shattered Dani's heart into a million pieces and now you are regretting it, right?
Wrong.
The truth is, you did what young Santana Lopez did best. You randomly slept with someone. The night you left your home and your whole life behind, you stumbled into a bar, drank a few too many whiskey on the rocks' and took a divine blonde back to your hotel room with you. It was a life changing moment, and not because the sex was great, which it was, but because you realised something that you have probably known all along. You have an awesome sex drive for being closer to your forties than your thirties, and your body reacts lusciously to almost any attention given to it. You are sure a dude could kiss that spot over your left hip and make you squirm just as much as any other female companion you've ever had. Anyway, yes, your body is hungry for any kind of close contact, but your mind...You are hollow. Sleeping with that girl meant nothing and left you feeling empty. Just like the boys you screwed through your high school years.
Just like Dani.
As much as you truly care for her, as much as you do love her in so many ways...you have just realized that you have spent the last 10 years of your life having a whole lot of empty, shallow, meaningless sex.
Is that worse than breaking a woman's heart? No, probably not. But it's not something you are finding easy to come to terms with. Especially not when you are able to remember the spark, the happiness you felt every time you slept with Brittany, even if you haven't seen her for so, so long.
You are starting to believe what people say about first loves. You are starting to think you will only be able to love her for the rest of your life.
Which is why you need to make amends.
You are marching into Saint Mary's dressed with a tight purple dress that ends right above your knees, long sleeves, and a cleavage that could reveal your deepest, darkest secrets if looked into for long enough, and your favourite pair of black stilettos.
When you reach Brittany's room, you stop, starting to regret even going there. You are aware that Brittany's state is still delicate, even if Dr. Holiday has finally cleared her, she has recovered from her brain injury and is recovering really fast from the rest of her wounds. When you are like 2 seconds from turning around and leaving, the door to the room opens and you find yourself in front of a distraught Brittany, who seems to be fighting with her crutches and her IV drip at the same time.
"Santana." She says, smiling brightly even if she sounds a little out of breath. "I was just about to go for a walk. Walk with me?" She asks as her hands fumble distractedly with the tubes attached to her. "Maybe you want to help me?" She adds and you can see the sheer horror in her eyes. It makes you giggle, she is still adorable.
"There you go, honey." You coo as you untangle the tube from the crutch's hand rest, and give it back to her. But now she's looking at you as if she has seen 7 ghosts marching in front of her. "What is it?" You ask worried that you hurt her or something.
"You called me honey" she mutters looking at you dead in the eye as if she was looking for something. Looking for something she lost. You clear your throat as you move your eyes from her captivating blue ones.
"You were going for a walk, weren't you?" You ask, making sure she's all nice and dandy and not tangled in herself anymore. "I'll go with you." You add starting to walk.
It's a slow walk. You guess it's normal, considering Britt has casts both on her hand and her leg. It's enough that she's even making an effort, but it's not helping you ease your mind. Actually the slow walk it's making it worse.
"Why are you here?" Brittany asks after a few minutes of awkward silence.
"Just visiting..." You deflect.
"Does this have something to do with the message I left you?" She asks again and you shrug.
Then she stops walking. Politely you do too and realise you are in the maternity wing, right in front of a glass behind which lay at least 15 newborn babies. A soft smile creeps upon your lips.
"I still want seven babies." Brittany mutters absentmindedly.
"There's no way in heaven or hell that I am carrying seven devil spawns." You muse between your teeth, sure that she didn't hear you.
Turns out, she did. Of course she did.
Suddenly she's behind you (pretty sneaky for a cripple), her good arm wrapped around your waist and her chin resting over your left shoulder.
"Who said I wanted them with you?" She whispers in your ear as she kisses your cheek tenderly and you snort. Classic Santana Lopez snark being used against yourself. No me gusta.
"Look, I'm sorry about the voice mail, okay?" She says with a sigh as she manoeuvres herself away from you. "I had no right to do it. I know you are happy, and that makes me happy too. But I needed you to know..." She adds, another sigh leaving her lips.
"But I am not happy." You say, and it's the first time you have said it out loud for a very long while.
"Pardon?" She asks, raising her perfect blonde brow.
"You heard me. I am not happy. I haven't been happy in a while. I don't know if I was ever happy. I only remember feeling something that seemed a lot like happiness when I was with you. But apparently that wasn't it either..." you spit out as the rage starts taking over you. You breathe deep, you know where the conversation is going and it's not fair. You need to calm down. You came here to talk, not to dig up all the dirt you hid under the rug.
"I guess we owe each other a talk, huh?" She mutters softly and starts walking again, back towards her room.
You watch her for a few seconds as she kind of hops around with her crutches. She's graceful even wounded. And she is the love of your life.
Not easy coming to terms with that one either.
You could leave. You could turn around and leave. She wouldn't hold it against you.
But you know you'd follow her till the end of the universe if necessary.
For now, you just follow her back to her room.