The title of this collection comes from the famous song by The Smiths, of course!
This was so fun to write. I love family drama.
"Sweetness, I was only joking when I said
I'd like to smash every tooth in your head...
[...] Bigmouth strikes again!
And I've got no right to take my place with the human race."
- Bigmouth Strikes Again, The Smiths
It's a summer evening like any other in the Neutron household, except tonight, Judy and her family are going to play host to their next door neighbors, the Vortexes.
Judy doesn't really run in the same circles as Sasha, but she figures after years of living across the street from the woman, she should at least try to be amicable. Perhaps if they can put their differences aside, their children will follow suit. Of course, that's probably nothing but wishful thinking, given that Jimmy and Cindy have been at each other's throats for as long as she can remember. It can be exasperating sometimes.
Sasha sits at her vanity. It's silly, that she's agreed to this stupid dinner when she knows that her hatred for the Neutrons, nor her daughter's, will vanish over a single meal.
For years, those buffoons have stolen her peace. They're insane, the lot of them—that poofy-haired housewife, her bumbling idiot of a husband, and their menace of a son, keeping Cindy from ever having her rightful day in the sun.
As a single mother, she has only ever wanted the best for her child, and the very existence of that so-called genius across the street has threatened her dream of molding Cindy to utter perfection.
No matter, she thinks. Maybe she can scope out ways for Cynthia to play on the boy's weaknesses under the pretense of a cordial setting. After all, there are worse ways to spend the night than plotting a prodigy's downfall over pie.
Jimmy can't believe Cindy Vortex is going to be sitting at his dining room table in a matter of hours.
It's really not all that far-fetched given that she lives only five minutes away. But he can't recall her ever stepping foot in his house save for the one party he threw back in grade school. Even then, she'd only shown up to make catty remarks. But that was Cindy Vortex for you. A bigmouth through and through.
Their competitiveness had only grown with time. In middle school, they were head to head in every academic subject, with him staking his ground firmly in all of the STEM-related courses, while she dominated in the humanities. Hardly a day had gone by without taunting on both ends.
Libby, Sheen, and Carl, he has to admit, had the patience of saints through it all.
Now, in just a matter of weeks, they will both be high school seniors, vying for some of the same top schools and scholarships, which means the tension between them will increase by a factor of ten.
Nothing about any of this makes it even remotely easy to admit that he might harbor feelings towards her that are more than just friendly. What an upset to the status quo that would be.
Cindy is furious with her mother. The absolute last thing she needs before school begins, is to spend time with Neutron of all people.
He can afford to spend his summer lounging around, while she re-writes her Common Application for the fifteenth time. She thinks if she looks at the damn thing one more time, she might spontaneously combust.
And the worst part is, she can hear his voice in her head saying that such an event would be impermissible by the laws of physics and thus, her over-exaggeration effectively communicates nothing. And she can imagine her retort with a kind of over-zealous glee: That right there is exactly why you're still a virgin, Neutron.
She wonders sometimes if it's a bad sign that she's capable of conducting entire conversations with him in her mind, and often does. He's gotten under her skin, and she's not quite sure how to get him out. Maybe she doesn't even want to. But no one needs to know that, right?
Hugh greets the two women at the door with a warm grin. "Welcome in!"
He's met with the cold stare of the elder Vortex, and the deadpan expression of the younger one. Sasha grunts a hello and makes her way into the Neutrons' modest living room.
Judy descends upon the room with aplomb, donning her apron. "Sasha, Cindy, so glad you could join us! Jimmy should be down in a few minutes. Think he's just finishing up an invention."
Sasha nods her head. Under her breath, she whispers to Cindy, "If we get through the canapés without something exploding, it'll be a miracle."
Cindy is torn between snickering at her mother's comment, and defending Jimmy. She settles on neither, and stays quiet.
Jimmy comes bounding down the stairs, Goddard in tow. He spots his green-eyed rival and her mother standing rather stiffly by the landing.
He addresses Mrs. Vortex with a polite hello, and then turns to Cindy, unsure of what to say. For once, he's rendered speechless. The awkwardness of this whole spectacle has not escaped his notice.
Hugh shepherds them all into the den, where they sit down one by one. Jimmy at the head of the table, across from Cindy, with his father and Sasha filling the seats on either side. Judy rushes in with a steaming pot of pasta and sets it down. The plates are already set, and everyone's silverware has been laid out meticulously.
"How are things at the firm, Sasha?" Judy took her spot next to her husband and began to serve everyone.
"I just won a string of cases. Guess victory just runs in the Vortex blood."
Is it her imagination or does Cindy look embarrassed by her mother's comment rather than proud? Judy thinks this may be a first. Although perhaps she's been quick to judge, thinking the apple must not fall far from the tree.
Judy turns her attention to Cindy then. "So, do you want to be a lawyer as well, Cindy?"
Before Cindy can even say anything, Sasha jumps in. "Cynthia is going to be a corporate lawyer. And rest assured she will be the only one at the high school who gets into Harvard."
"We'll see about that." Jimmy whispers under his breath.
"Did you have something to say, James?" Sasha challenges.
Judy throws her son a look. He may be a genius but his lack of tact can be astounding.
"Well, Mrs. Vortex, I just wanted to point out that I have a perfect grade point average. So even though Harvard is a liberal arts college, I could get in there with ease if I liked."
"Can't go five minutes without being a big-brained show off, can you, Neutron?" Cindy stabbed her noodles with her fork, looking like she'd rather skewer Jimmy.
Judy smells trouble brewing on the horizon.
"I'm sure Cindy will do wonderfully in her classes this year and get into the school of her choice."
"Not if your son gets in the way."
Judy could never have guessed that Sasha would be openly hostile.
"Now, wait a darned minute." Hugh cuts in. "Our Jimbo here is harmless. And besides, he has his eye set on MIT."
"Harmless?" Sasha scoffs. "You call the boy who's almost gotten my daughter killed multiple times harmless?"
Sasha's words are a punch to the gut. Jimmy realizes she's right and when he meets Cindy's gaze, he feels a wave of guilt course over him.
He had endangered her quite often, hadn't he? Less so since he'd grown up and become more responsible, but he'd certainly made his fair share of mistakes as a child.
No wonder Cindy hated him.
Cindy hated her mother. She'd always thought Sasha was over-bearing and tough to deal with, but seeing her act this aggressively confrontational was mortifying, and frankly, trying of her restraint.
She had to keep up the performance of despising Neutron so that Sasha would be satisfied, but she felt quite bad for him as the night went on.
True, he could do a better job of keeping his big mouth shut, but he had a point. He could likely get into any school he wanted.
She didn't know why her mother was so damn insistent on her beating the reincarnated version of Einstein at his game. It was impossible. And it was starting to grate on Cindy's nerves.
"How's Ted?" Judy knew she shouldn't ask, and yet, all the barbs about Jimmy were starting to get to her. Let Sasha have a taste of her own medicine.
The air tightens immediately. Cindy looked sick, and her mother's face contorted into a scowl.
"Skimping on alimony, but what else is new?"
Jimmy observes that the very mention of her father makes Cindy resemble origami—she folds into herself, trying to occupy the smallest amount of space she can.
He wants to reach out and touch her shoulder for some godforsaken reason.
But instead, he keeps muted. He's probably done enough damage.
To diffuse the tension, Hugh proposes that his wife bring out the pie, which she gladly does, happy to be at the tail end of this miserable experience.
That's when Jimmy excitedly recommends they use his latest invention to divvy up the slices. Before he can even run to retrieve it, though, Mrs. Vortex seems to have had enough.
"Don't you ever set limits on your reckless son's idiotic ideas? He'll kill us all one day. Blow this town to smithereens."
Judy makes towards Jimmy, and protectively ruffles his hair. "I think it's time for you to go, Sasha. I see that this was futile."
But Mrs. Vortex stays locked in place. "My Cynthia agrees with me, doesn't she? She's said things to the same effect a thousand times. That and much more."
Everyone looks towards Cindy expectantly. She can't deny the truth. She has ranted about Jimmy at home before. But in confidence. And she hadn't really meant most of it.
It is his blue eyes filling up with tears that really breaks her in two, and the way his mother seems to actually care about her son and not just his abilities.
"Yeah." She says, granting her assent, hoping her hushed tone will not carry. But it does.
"I think you should both go." Judy's voice quivers this time, and it's clear she means it. So they get up to leave.
Mrs. Vortex is out in a huff. Cindy lingers in the doorway.
"Jimmy-" She tries.
He just looks at her sadly. "I didn't know that's what you truly thought of me."
"I don't."
"Then why'd you agree with her?"
"CINDY!" Her mother screeches from their side of the street.
"You know why, Neutron."
He nods. "I guess."
It doesn't lessen the sting. Nor does it stop him from crying himself to sleep that night. Or lying to his mother about why his eyes are so red and puffy in the morning when he comes down to the kitchen for breakfast.
Cindy Vortex, Bigmouth Extraordinaire, had struck again. This time, directly at his heart.