Chapter 22 - Even the things that seem still are still changing

How he wished he had neve-"I didn't expect you"-So very different from how it usua-"That's hell you'r"-A loving caress upo-"NO, no, N"-He walke-"For the… both o"-kept burning in-"I'm afra"-hest burn-"m sor"-vy in his ar-"ve cho"-ll heav-He kept walking

"FU-"

Nathan awoke choking on a scream. Frantic eyes darted everywhere, the tears blurring his vision not stopping his crazed search for danger in the slightest.

Putting his weight on his hand as he tried to get up was a mistake, as the limb flared with pain, making him fall from the couch he had slept in, crashing to the ground with a painful sound.

"Shi`." He meant to shout, but the word came out in a weak whisper as he slowly forced himself up. On unsteady legs he spun in place, failing to recognize where he was.

"Oh, you're finally awake!"

Fight or flight took over as he turned to the danger, legs tangling together and bringing him down hard, even as his wide, panicked eyes never left the woman that spoke.

"Who are you!?" His voice failed once more, the hard tone he had meant to speak in coming out as a barely heard croak. "Wha` am I doin` `ere!?"

"Mr. Potter brought you here. I promised I would look out for you until you woke up." The old lady said, while petting a cat he only now noticed was in her arms.

Tension bled from Nathan slowly, the multitude of cats in the room noticing the change in the atmosphere and approaching the crouched man. Their demand for attention by rubbing their bodies on him and purring were enough for him to pet them. The action brought a strange comfort to his frazzled nerves.

"How lon' was I out?" The slurring of his words was better as he asked the cat lady, who was still petting the furball in her arms lovingly.

"Not long." She said without looking at him, failing to see the tension returning to his frame. "It's still night."

His knees cracked as he forced himself to stand up, the cats surrounding him purring in reproach. "I have to go." He grabbed his bag from the floor, quickly checking if everything was in order. "Thank you for the help." The words rushed from his lips like he rushed to the entrance, slamming the door shut behind him in his carelessness.

A quick look at the house number had him crossing the street as fast as he could on his feeble legs. They burned with the small effort, but no more shaking came from them.

He forwent the front door, expecting he would've received a happy welcome just like the previous day. There was no foot in the lawn as he circled to the back, and he could not help the single derisive bark of a laugh that left him. What an incredible job these people are doing at protecting the kid!

Even before he had hauled himself off the ground his fingers had started aching, just by gripping the cold stone as tight as they could. It did not stop Nathan from climbing the wall. Very slowly and very painfully he made his way up, muscles burning in a way that had the fear of falling constantly on his mind.

He reached the windowsill, struggling to pull his head over it to gaze inside. Quickly letting go of one hand to rap his knuckle on the glass had him almost falling, but he was rewarded with the window opening.

Harry popped his head off, expression morphing into worry as he saw Nathan precariously hanging from the wall. He was pulled inside by his friend before he could even ask for help.

"Thanks." Nathan managed to say between heavy breaths, hunched over, hands on his knees.

"Are you okay?" Harry said, worry clear in his exhausted eyes. The dismissive hand wave he received as an answer seemed to aggravate him. "I'm serious! You were shaking while passed out!"

"I'm fine, I promise!" No matter how many times he said it, be it to himself or someone else, the lie never left easier from his lips. "What about you?"

"I'm okay. You and Dudley were affected more."

"Okay." Nathan said, finally straightening his aching back. "Jus so you know, I didn't see no feet lying on the grass, so I don't know if there's someone else watching or if there's no one."

His words seemed to remind Harry of something. "I sent a letter to Sirius after I dropped you off at Mrs. Figgs." The annoyance and anger in his face was impossible to hide, even if it was clear he was not trying to. He angrily swiped a piece of paper off his table before throwing it carelessly to Nathan.

Harry — Dumbledore's just arrived at the Ministry, and he's trying to sort it all out. DO NOT LEAVE YOUR AUNT AND UNCLE'S HOUSE. DO NOT DO ANY MORE MAGIC. DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR WAND.

"Couldn't even tell me what they're doing to fix this mess. Only to be a good little boy and to NOT BE STUPID!"

The anger palpable from Harry's shout did not break Nathan from his daze brought by the note. Is this seriously the best that they can do? No immediate extraction!? No one with Harry as reinforcement!?

"Oh, and I'm also being expelled."

"WHAT!?" That was enough to bring him out of his head as he snatched the other piece of paper in the table before it could be offered to him.

"Fuck! shit, Okay!" Nathan said after reading the letter three times. "There's still this reading, so you can prolly argue your case."

"And you think they're going to believe me!?" Harry screamed incredulously, looking at Nathan as if he had just realized how dumb he truly was.

"I fucking hope so! Even if the story would sound far-fetched, there has to be some type of magic that proves you're telling the truth." The affirmation sounded more like a question, and Nathan kicked himself for showing his doubts about the magical world when his friend needed him.

Harry's eyes widened, his crossed arms falling to his side. "There is! There's this-"

An abrupt silence fell across them, matched by the sudden lack of sound from the rest of the house, where it had been clear to hear the Dursleys loudly fussing over their ailed son.

Nathan looked at the door, the hairs on his arms standing straight. His gaze went back to his friend to see him reacting similarly. A single nod to each other was all that was needed before they moved.

Harry stood by his dresser, partially hidden by it, peaking around it to see the door. Nathan pushed himself into the wall behind the door, in a way that he would be hidden if it opened. His wand was trained to the window, shaking in spite of his efforts to remain steady.

Rattling came from the doorknob, both of them zeroing on the slow turning. The door opened cautiously, Nathan holding his breath on instinct, hoping it would hide his presence even more.

He was stuck behind the open door, unable to see who or what was behind it. He waited, muscles jittery, for a sound that would tell him if it was friend or foe.

As if in the blink of an eye a wand appeared, pointing at his face, a menacing shadowy figure holding it. He had pushed it aside and advanced with a cocked fist before he even realized what he was doing.

"Stop!" He heard Harry shout in panic, and despite himself, Nathan turned his head to see what was wrong. He was immediately hit with a spell, frozen in his position and falling sideways to the floor. The angle he was stuck in didn't allow his eyes to see more than their feet. But his ears heard their words, adrenaline sharpening his focus.

"Who is he?!" The man that attacked him, with one leg missing, asked roughly. He shifted his stance every second, as if trying to face all of the room at once.

"This is Nate, he was with me when the dementors came!" Came Harry's voice, fast and stuttery, still clearly rattled from before. "He's not a threat! Get him up!"

Nathan felt the spell lifting a moment before he was roughly pulled to his feet. Three adults crowded the small room, looking at him with varying degrees of suspicion. He could see two more standing outside of the door.

"What are you doing here!?" Came his attacker's voice, regretfully drawing Nathan's gaze to the mangled and disfigured face of last year's DADA teacher, professor Moody.

"Chill, man!" He pulled his arm from the man's grip, disgust and irritation fueling his action. "I was hanging out with Harry. Is that not allowed?"

He was fully intent on getting a reaction out of the group from his question, but all he got was a scowl from the pink haired woman before they seemed to ignore him.

"Pack your things Harry. We're leaving." The towering man spoke with a deep voice, squeezing Harry's shoulder before stepping out of the room.

Harry seemed frozen in his spot. Nathan shoved his way past the grizzled man, gently pushing the boy to his trunk and helping him shove his things inside.

"Where are we going?" Harry asked frantically as they stepped outside into the pavement. "The letter said I've been expelled from Hogwarts!"

"You haven't been," The disfigured man said as he limped, head swiveling all across the neighborhood. "Not yet."

"But the letter said-"

"Dumbledore is working at the ministry suspending your expulsion, pending a formal hearing." The tall man added reassuringly, voice deep and calm.

"Don't worry," The pink haired woman spoke, tying up the laces of her shoes. "We'll explain everything at headquarters-"

"SHH!" Nathan jumped at the sudden harsh sound from the professor. "Not here, Nymphadora!"

"Don't call me that!" He watched, completely baffled, as the woman's visage changed before his very eyes, hair turning red and face sharpening.

It completely distracted him from the broom that hit him in the shin as it flew into Harry's hand. He watched the adults mount themselves as he bent over to rub his aching leg.

He straightened back up to see Harry looking at him. "What?"

"Get on." The bespectacled boy said with annoyance that he hadn't understood the silent command.

"He's not coming with us!" The daunting man snarled, one eye glaring at them both.

"I won't go with you if he doesn't!" Harry snarled back, his customary anger returning to his voice.

Nathan watched the adults glance at each other, a silent exchange happening. The grizzled man huffed angrily and Harry grinned, turning back to Nathan.

"Do I look like your boyfriend to ride your broom while holding tight to your waist?" He asked, even as he did exactly that. Harry only laughed, and it made him happy that his friend was starting to get used to his jokes.

The adults kicked off the ground, their brooms hovering effortlessly in the air. Nathan felt his body rise without his command, a frightening feeling of vertigo pulling his stomach back to the earth below.

"Stay in formation," Moody barked, looking everyone in the eye. "And don't break rank, even if one of us dies."

And they raced into the sky, one after the other. Nathan's hands tightened involuntarily as he begged his eyes to not look down. All the while the little shit in front of him laughed in glee.

"...Not much activity still, they must be biding their…"

Sirius morosely played with his glass of wine, trying not to fall asleep where he sat at the table. Remus's pointy elbow hitting his ribs was enough to awaken him slightly, albeit with some grumbling and a glare at his friend.

The order meetings all seemed the same to him, boring and repetitive. The fact the days seemed to all blend together to the point he couldn't tell if it was a saturday or a thursday did not help. Add in the fact he had nothing to contribute, being stuck in the house, and the minutes of endless talk were all but useless to him.

All he wished was to spend time with his godson, who was finally coming to him. He had felt like such a piece of shit, not being able to sneak out to meet Harry, or even send letters to see how the boy was doing. He did not remember much of the day of the dementor attack, other than the useless warning he had sent, and that he woke up on the next day surrounded by empty bottles and caked in his own vomit.

Useless. That's what he was. What he always had been and what he always would be. Incapable of helping the people he loved. Never there when they needed him.

Sirius downed his glass at once, barely feeling the bitterness or the burn. Merlin, how I hate wine. The man slouched on his chair with his head down, like a toy abandoned by its child. No one noticed him.

He couldn't help but wonder if this is how Harry had been feeling. Isolated and afraid, no happiness in sight.

The door opened and more members poured in. He could see Harry over their shoulders, talking to an unfamiliar man beside him. Sirius sat straighter to see better.

"Did the flight really shake you up that much, mate?" The grin on Harry's face was all marauder.

"Are you fucking with me?" The mystery man incredulously asked.

This seemed to make Harry even more amused as he chuckled. "Come on, it wasn't that bad. Besides, I'm not the youngest seeker in ages for no reason."

"Bitch, that doesn't mean shit!" The man screamed, the anger carrying his voice well into the room and over the previous discussion. "You saw those boats coming a mile away, and you STILL CHOSE to swerve away at the last second, you goddamn maniac!"

Laughter was Harry's response before he stopped, his gaze catching Sirius'. The depressed man felt his first easy smile in months spread across his face before the door was shut.

Sirius turned back as the meeting restarted, sitting straighter in his chair and pushing his glass away. He could feel the need to talk to his godson, to know he was truly okay, grow within him. But that small moment would be enough to tide him over this meeting.

And besides, Sirius thought as the retrieval team went over their report, He's clearly in good hands. The unnamed man had instantly skyrocketed to the top of his list of favorite people.

"That was your godfather right?" He asked as he reached Harry. His answer was a nod. "Good, then I don`t need to spend more time with your ass!"

Harry snorted before shoving him to the side, a smile clear on his face. Small moments like these showed Nathan he had helped his friend recover, even if only a little.

Finding the door they were instructed to go to, Harry opened it and stepped through, immediately being assaulted by a missile. He already knew it was Hermione even before the girl started apologetically listing the reasons she couldn't contact Harry in rapid fire.

Her gaze shifted, falling on him for a moment. It was all it took for her to launch herself at Nathan at such speed he was sure her body arrived faster than her voice. His legs burned from the strain of stopping their fall to the ground, but it was overshadowed by the warmth spreading from everywhere their bodies touched. He could feel a smile blossom on his lips.

"What was that shouting we heard earlier?" Ron asked Harry, his loud voice cutting through Hermione's rambling. Nathan broke from his daze, face heating up after realizing he had been staring.

"Just him being a whiny baby." He could hear more than see the smugness on the bastard's face as he answered falsely.

"Oh, don't you-"

The rest of the sentence got lost as he forced his mouth shut, another wave of nausea seeming to come out of nowhere. "'Scuse me." He forced the words out as he rushed to find a bathroom, still hearing Harry making fun of him.

He found one a few doors away, and immediately shoved his head on the sink, letting it slowly fill with the cold water. Nathan stayed in that moment for a while, letting himself be refreshed with a habit that usually did not bring this much comfort to him. Probably working 'cause it has nothing to do with the dreams. His sigh came out as bubbles in the water, and he raised his head from the sink.

Wide, dilated eyes stared back, outlined by dark shadows of sleepless nights. Dark, wet hair clung to pale skin. He looked like how he always felt: A wandering ghost. Still look better than usual though! He thought derisively to himself. With a mocking smile at his reflection he grabbed the towel by the mirror, drying his hair quickly. The mess of brown in his head he saw on the reflection turned his smile more genuine.

The group of teenagers, including some new additions, were all going downstairs as Nathan walked out. Hermione was leaning on the railing, waiting for him.

"Dinner is ready downstairs!" She said when she noticed him, her expression turning to worry as she took him in. "Are you okay?"

Nathan couldn't stop the warmth he felt at the moment even if he wanted to, but the guilt he felt at making her worry brought him back down. "Just queasy." He said with a genuine, but wobbly grin, looping an arm over her shoulders and leading them down the stairs. "All Harry's fault." Her laugh was airy as she hugged him by the waist. Nathan was once more hit by how much he had missed her.

They let go of each other as they arrived at the kitchen. It looked just as dark and depressing as the rest of the house, and the people glaring at them as they entered only made Nathan feel more welcomed.

"Sit here, Sit here!"

Harry's godfather called to him with a manic grin, pointing to a chair beside Harry. Nathan sat heavily as the man continued to smile.

"I'm Sirius Black, Harry's godfather!" Sirius exclaimed happily, extending a hand over the food.

"Nathan Winters." Their handshake was weak, partially because of how awkward Nathan felt, partially because of the lack of strength on the ex-prisoner's muscles.

"So, how long have you and Harry been friends for?"

"Uh, not long." Nathan felt awkward as the man focused his intense eyes on him. "Middle of last year, I think…"

"And you didn't tell me about your new friend, why?" The man said, turning to Harry with very accusatory eyes.

"I was a little occupied with other things," Harry's voice was as dry as one of the biscuits Nathan had just put in his mouth, "If that ailing brain of yours can remember that."

It was strange, seeing the two interact as if they had never been unjustly separated. But if there was someone that deserved the ease of light conversation with a kindred spirit, it was Harry.

Though as Nathan got dragged into the conversation more and more often, maybe it was just Sirius making it easy to talk to him. But reminders of his stay at prison still showed itself, moments where either a hint of crazy or a faraway look entered his eyes. It was uncomfortable for Nathan to realize that maybe that was how he seemed to people sometimes.

A rustling of paper stole his attention as a man called Remus joined the conversation after putting his newspaper down. Nathan had forgotten how nerve-racking it was to pretend to remember a past that wasn't there. Somehow though, no one called him out as he pretended to totally remember that boggart lesson! He quickly escaped the situation by asking to read the man's paper.

The paper defamed Harry, claiming how he was lying about the happenings of the third task. A flash of blue light on dark red blood came to his mind, the food he had just ingested trying to come out from his mouth. Nathan distracted himself by looking at the moving picture of the minister, which suddenly became a truly awkward picture of Harry.

Nathan pulled at Harry's sleeve, pushing the paper into his hands when he had his attention. "Looking cool there, joker!" He didn't try to dodge when Harry stole the paper from his hands and swatted his head with it.

He regretted his friendly ribbing as the mood at the table fell and fell when Harry took the opportunity to ask what had been happening in the world while he was isolated .

They talked about the politics of people he didn't know the name of. Talked about events he had no recollection about. Talked about their actions to save a world that he came to understand less and less, despite his efforts to the contrary.

A shrill voice startled him into dropping his fork, his ears ringing in his ears it created too familiar for comfort. Nathan turned to see the redhead woman from before ripping the paper from Harry's hand. "-ight as well induct him into the order!" Were the only words he was able to hear.

"Good, I want to join!" Came Harry's angry voice from beside him.

"The order is only for wizards of age."

"But if Voldemort is out there, I want to fight!" The words were spoken with conviction, and Sirius leaned back with a smug expression.

"Don't you?" Harry suddenly asked Nathan, who froze with a 'deer caught in headlights' look and a fork halfway to his mouth.

Did he want to fight in a war? So he could suffer more? No! But was it because he knew he wouldn't make a difference and because he was afraid?

Or was it because he didn't care what happened to the world? To this world, that these people seemed to love so much, and that he felt he had no part in.

"No, I-"

Pain assaulted his head as the world around him got covered with static. The ringing came back, painful enough to make his eardrums bleed, but the blood only fell from his nose. The hand not cradling his head wiped his nostril as he stood from his seat.

"Sorry, I-I gotta…"

Nathan walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs in a daze, his mind foggy as his wobbly feet guided him through the haunting building. With how similar the decoration was everywhere, and how trapped he suddenly felt, calling it a maze would not be inacurate.

He found himself in the same bathroom as before, looking at the same reflection as before, while everything around him changed and moved in their own pace, uncaring if he stood still. The faucet, the towel, the soap bar, all of it doing its best to nauseate him with wild movements at different speeds. Somehow, no vomit escaped him as he dunked his head in cold water.

Hermione was there again when he walked out, but Harry stood beside her. "Is everything all right?" The bespectacled boy asked before the girl could.

Nathan took a deep breath, centering himself as he hid behind a mask of anger. "This is all your fault!" He said through gritted teeth, aggressively poking Harry in the chest. "Doin' all of that shit on the broom!"

Green eyes stared incredulously behind thick glasses as he took a step back. "Are you seriously still sick from earlier, mate?"

Relief rose in his chest at Harry's reaction. A single flick of his eyes to Hermione was enough to make the feeling scatter in the wind. She clearly did not believe him.

Nathan doubled down. "From that and everything else that happened today." He laid his indignation thick, refusing to look at the worried girl. "I'm lucky dinner didn't come back out just now!"

Harry's shoulders sunk ever so slightly, eyes going as far away as his godfather's sometimes went. "Sorry, maybe I went a little overboard…" He rubbed his neck in a nervous habit, guilt radiating from him.

"It's fine." Nathan waved him off, his guilt joining his friend's, but too spent to do anything about it. He ducked into the room where Hermione had tackled him, retrieving his fallen bag. "I'ma just go to sleep so it passes." He passed by both of them, waving his goodbye from over his shoulder, refusing to turn around and look at their eyes.

He opened a random door, walking into a dark, musty room. He let his satchel fall to the ground, and then let himself fall to the bed, eyes closing in exhaustion.

But sleep did not come; not with the shadows warping into ghosts that whispered loud songs of noise into his ears.

So Nathan gave up on rest, sitting up on the bed. One hand lazily summoned a blue flame, and the other searched his bag for a distraction. It came back with a book that always lurked in the back of his mind, in one way or another, since he first read it. He started back at the first page, even if he had already read it once.

He read and read into the night, until he reached the page with words that had haunted him like the spirits in the room with him did. Then he read more and more, until once again, the end greeted him.

His fingers opened the unmarked page without his consent, his eyes forcing him to read the words. Over and over, until sleep finally claimed him, even as the sentence refused to fade from his mind.

Man was born for love and revolution… In this I wish to believe implicitly.