I do give lost, For i do feel it gone (But know not how it went) Chapter 25, a harry potter fanfic

AN: To Steve, my dear reviewer. Thank you, and I say this genuinely, for making me laugh at 2 am with your wonderful words. I dedicate all my typos to you, even the ones I stole from other people.

Chapter 25 - I let It in and It took Everything

Through the tears and the rain he looked at the man below him, bloodied and bruised and smiling.

"You'll be… my living legacy…"

He watched the man he wished so much to become die in the soiled dirt. The sword—the dreams—in his hands weighed a ton.

He held on to it with everything he had as his vision blurred until he could see nothing.

His eyes cleared to an ethereal place, the same blade held in his hands, pointed at his heart that sat praying on the floor.

The woman raised her head, beautiful green eyes sparkling like gems. Her smile was kind, like it always was. It never failed to melt his heart, no matter how frozen it had become.

He could not stop the smile that came to his lips, small but genuine like the few he could remember coming from him. He lowered his sword.

In the blink of an eye, the water became red, stained with the blood seeping from the wound on her chest from the blade stabbing through it.

He held his heart in his hands, watching it slowly bleed out, unable to do anything. All the woman did was smile tenderly at him.

Like she always did.

Nathan did not jerk awake. He was held down by the heavy weight on his chest, the tears falling to the pillow beneath him.

Nausea swirled inside his stomach as he started his routine in the bathroom. Slowly, so slowly, it sank in that he was back in the castle; Back to the never ending routine of nightmares and ghosts surrounded by cold walls.

They eyes that stared back in the mirror were blue tinged with green, and not green tinged with blue. But the misery in them was the same.

He left the bathroom to start his day

It was a clear message to Nathan that this year wouldn't be any better than the last, that they had a double period with the unsettling woman right on their first day. The silver lining—Nathan felt the yarn tighten around his neck at the thought—was that it was their last class of the day.

With hesitant steps, Nathan followed his peers inside the classroom taking his usual seat at the back. Harry had taken the seat beside his own, and his friend did not say the reason for the change when Nathan looked inquiringly at him.

A paper bird flew through the air as students merrily played with it. Nathan felt a smile slowly grow on his lips-

Whoosh!

The bird caught on fire mid flight, the ashes falling slowly to the ground. Nathan flinched as the sudden absence of sound created a familiar buzzing in his ears.

"Good morning, children!"

His neck cracked as he turned to the voice, Umbridge passing beside him without batting an eye at his scare.

"Ordinary, wizarding, level, examinations! " She enunciated slowly, wand flicking at the blackboard where words appeared. "More commonly known as O.W.L.s!"

The professor turned once she reached the front, turning to sweep her gaze across the room, the smile on her face small but clearly demeaning. "Study hard, and you will be rewarded. Fail to do so, and the consequences will be, severe!"

It was easy for Nathan to see from the back of the room how uncomfortable the class was.

Another move from Umbridge's wand and the books piled on her table started floating, one by one dropping on students' tables. Nathan tuned out her voice as he opened the book, flipping through pages with no order. The warmth that spread through his chest as he read and understood what the book talked about was little, almost insignificant. It still brought a small smile back to his face.

"There's nothing here about using defensive spells."

Nathan raised his head to focus on Hermione, only being able to see the back of her head as she looked at the professor.

"Using spells!? Ha ha!" The woman's shrill giggle was grating on his ears and the mocking on her visage even worse. ""Why, I can't imagine why you would need to use spells in my classroom!"

Even through his confusion Nathan could see the tension emanating from Hermione, her head coming down ever so slightly and shoulders tensing.

"We're not gonna use magic?" Ron asked from the row besides Nathan's.

"You will be learning about defensive spells in a secure, risk free way!" Umbridge answered, empathy or pity or another fake emotion on her gaze.

"What use is that? If we're going to be attacked it wont be risk free!" Harry exclaimed. A horrified Nathan turned to him, panicking that attention would be brought to them.

"Students will raise their hands when they speak in my class!" Umbridge said with a hard and louder voice, turning away from the students.

Nathan saw Harry turn to him from the corner of his eyes. He did not know what the gaze meant, but he shook his head in the negative, praying his friend would stay quiet. Harry frowned.

Umbridge turned back to face the class, genial smile back on. "It is the view of the Ministry, that a theoretical knowledge is sufficient to get you through your examinations! Which, after all, is what school is for!"

His confusion came back as he wondered how they could expected them to pass the practical exam without practice.

"And how's theory supposed to prepare us for what's out there!?" Harry asked, voice getting louder. Nathan's hand flew to Harry's sleeve, pleading with his eyes for him to stop talking. His friend only glared at him.

"There is nothing out there dear!" Umbridge said, voice clearly demeaning and mocking. "Who do you imagine would want to attack children, like yourself?"

"Oh, I don't know. Maybe Lord Voldem-"

Nathan yanked on Harry's arm violently, the boy falling towards him. "Stop, Harry!" He hissed in a whisper. Harry's face went from shocked to pissed in a moment as he shoved himself away from Nathan.

Nathan looked back up to Umbridge with her gaze locked on his. He froze in panic as he took in the crazed glint slowly taking over her eyes. She moved her attention away while he remained frozen, the sensation of hidden eyes looking at him coming back full force from the previous year.

"Let me make this, quite plain…" Umbridge walked through the rows of tables, eyes flitting from student to student. Nathan kept his eyes locked on to a fuming Harry. "You've been told, that a certain dark wizard is at large again."

"This. Is. A. Lie…"

"It's not a Lie! I saw him! I fought him!"

"Stop talking!" Nathan tried to stop him once again, not bothering to whisper this time.

"Detention, Mister Potter!" Umbridge shouted as she turned her back on them once more.

"So according to you, Cedric Diggory dropped dead of his-"

Nathan covered Harry's mouth with his hand, the other roughly pulling on his shirt. Harry looked apoplectic as he started thrashing about to free himself.

"Cedric Diggory's death was a tragic accident!" Umbridge said, still with her back to them.

Harry bit Nathan's hand, pushing him off their table roughly as his grip slackened. "It was murder! Voldemort killed him! You must know that!" His voice was loud anger as he half stood from his seat.

"ENOUGH!"

Silence reigned after the professor's shrill scream rang through the room. She finally turned around, eyes falling squarely on Harry.

He watched as she took a deep breath, rage evaporating but the manic glint in her eyes the clearest it had been yet. "See me later at my office, Mister Potter."

Her eyes then fell on Nathan. "And you, too." His breath stuttered as he nodded mutely, finally sitting back down.

The woman continued her lesson, as if nothing had happened. Nathan hid behind his textbook, not looking up for the entirety of class, afraid of seeing Harry or Umbridge staring back.

With his stomach twisting and chest tight, Nathan walked alone through the dark and vacant halls of the castle.

Dinner after DADA class had been a misery as he was forced to eat slowly, all the food feeling like it would come back up and out. His eyes kept straying to a still wound up Harry that was sat further along the table.

The bespectacled boy had been the first one out of the classroom earlier, stomping away fast enough to vanish before Nathan had finished packing his bag with shaking hands. He still didn't know if he wanted to talk to Harry now, or wait until the next day, where they would have clearer heads. The choice had been made for him when Harry went to his detention.

He dragged his feet through the threshold of the empty classroom, and the feeling of phantom eyes glued to his form immediately assaulted him. He rushed to the office at the back, ignoring the ghosts forming at the edge of his vision.

Reaching the door, Nathan stopped short, taking one last fortifying breath and releasing it slowly, before he reached his hand to the doorknob-

Nathan jumped back in fright as the door opening, hating how jumpy he was becoming these days. Harry appeared from beyond entryway, grimacing and with shoulders hunched, a shaking hand cradled to his chest.

"What's wrong?" Nathan asks. "What happened-" He took a step forward, hand now reaching for his friend and touching his arm-

Harry shook him off, eyes refusing to rise from the ground. "It's nothing…" He whispered without facing Nathan, walking past him.

Nathan didn't waste a moment to start following-

A cold hand fell on his shoulder, and the static flared blindingly for a moment. Nathan came to turned around, facing a very displeased Umbridge.

"Hem, hem!" The woman cleared her throat loudly, as if she already didn't have his full, panicked attention. "Where do you think you are going, Mister…"

"Winters…" He found himself answering automatically at the woman's confused expression.

"Well, Mister Winters." A wide, shark-like smile spread across Umbridge's face. "Come in, so we can begin your detention."

Nathan followed the professor inside her office, trying to distract himself by looking at all of the pink that covered every inch of the room as he took a seat. A piece of paper caught his attention as it was settled on the table before him, along with a strange quill. He raised his eyes to see Umbridge very clearly dissatisfied with him.

"As I was telling you, you will be writing lines for the next hour." A malicious glint appeared on her dark eyes. "And I will add another thirty minutes for not paying attention to me when I was talking earlier."

Nathan nodded, not hiding his silent sigh. So it's just going to be a waste of time. Immediately the image of Harry from earlier, visibly shaken, flashed through his mind.

"What will I be writing?" Nathan asked, grabbing the quill.

"I must not believe lies." The vile smile from earlier returned to her face. "And there's no need to worry about ink."

With another nod, Nathan brought his head down, starting to write the lines with his horrible calligraphy.

I must not believe lies.

A strange feeling started on his left hand, almost like an itch that was below the skin.

I must not believe lies.

The itch got stronger, and he stopped to scratch his hand furiously to no avail. Umbridge cleared her throat in that annoying way, and Nathan focused back on the lines, not wanting to add another half hour to the clock.

I must not believe lies.

The itch became pain, and with the pain came static. Nathan didn't know if he should look at his hand to see what was happening or close his eyes to try to ignore it. A flare of the noise trying to drown him made the choice from him as he flinched, forcefully shutting his eyes as phantom hands forced him limbs to keep moving.

I must not believe lies.

I must not believe lies.

Nathan felt his eyes open slowly, invisible fingers prying them open. His gaze fell to his hand, where angry red lines had appeared on the skin, a mocking imitation on the words written on the paper.

As he compulsorily kept writing, eyes never leaving his now bleeding hand, Nathan was forced back to that day of the test, where the shadows took over the whole of his surroundings, and he couldn't tear his attention away from his morphing—disintegrating—arm.

He watched it all happen again, a twisted sense of Déjà vu making him want to vomit, eyes unable to blink. The line grew and grew, blood falling from the wound and staining everything; His hand, the table, the paper.

The hands were on his back now, making soothing motions across his skin. Whispers of You won't break, you won't break echoed in his ears like a deranged choir singing of sacrifices.

I must not believe lies.

I must not be a lie.

The words spread, reaching across his skin, going past his wrist and up his arm. The letters merged together, becoming incomprehensible gibberish that morphed into unidentified runes that he could somehow understand perfectly.

I must̵ n̵o̴t̴ ̶b̸e̷

I̴̜͘ ̸̲͘m̶̜̆ů̷̞s̶̝̑ț̶̕ ̸̣̕n̸̫̂o̵̪̓ṫ̸̟ ̸̱̽b̵̤̈è̵̦

Ȉ̸̝ ̵̙̞̿m̸̟̉͐u̷̹̖̚s̸̡̎͑t̷͉̱͒ ̸̱̒͑n̶̢̙̊̓o̸͎̽t̸͔̘͊ ̵̠̅͝b̶͚̋͝ė̶̤̝

The lines reached past his shirt, staining the white a deep red. His blistering skin opened like a flower in bloom, mesmerizing in how ill-inducing the image was. Blood oozed out, becoming darker and darker, until it was pitch black and still. It caked his skin like ashes, the areas where lines hadn't crossed growing paler to the point it looked gray and dead.

The hands were choking him now as tears fell from his eyes. You wont break, you wont break, kept being repeated mockingly in his ears.

T̶̯̑h̷̢͒̈́ḙ̸̥̜͝ŕ̵̹̐̕e̴̫͇͌̐͜ ̴̛̲̭̀i̷͍̜͐s̴̢̼̘̑͠ ̸̝̽ņ̶̍͘̚ò̶̟͎̈́̍ͅ ̴͉͘t̴̥̒͒͜ŕ̵̩̾ǜ̵͍̕t̵̡̹͚̆h̶̨̞̖̑̑ ̸̘̮̓̓̆o̵̫̎́͂ṟ̸̿̒̍ ̵̡͌̚l̸̨͛͠i̷͕̓e̵̠̐͆̈́

Ọ̸̰͖̭̍n̵̖̈́̇͗l̴̜͗̆͂̎ý̷̩ ̶̩̰̗̼́̉s̸̨̔̐̋̓̕ū̴̢̨̥͒͊ͅf̵͙̹̦̜̯̏f̸̘̜̃̂ę̶̈́̑̈́̚ṟ̸̚ͅî̵̬͗̕ņ̸͉̾̏̈́͘ģ̵͐̒̽̒̃

I̶̛͓̰̘͎͇̿̀͆̓̂ ̷̢̤̻̫̞͋̾͜s̶͍̐͐̾́̓ḩ̷̬̻͈̈ö̴̻͇͉̯̣͇́̄͌ū̶̲̠̜͚̿̇̅̚l̷̦̾d̵͔͋͊̉̋̆͐ ̸͕̫̿̃͊̎̀n̸̢̲̝̺̆̃̀̚͠ỏ̷͕̟̈́̽t̶͕̯͉͚̰͛ͅ ̷̛̞b̵̡̜͇͕̹̝̒e̸̥̬͓̺̩̯̊ ̸̱̰̖̹̿͐̔͂h̷̤̤́̀̀ȩ̷̬͇̦̩̠͊̐ȓ̷̬̈́̀̚e̶̛̛̯̔́̎̕

A nauseating shift happened to the world around him, and Nathan finally blinked. The static vanished, the white noise stopped. He could feel tears going down his face and the blood going from his nose to his chin.

Nathan felt his head raise, his straining neck shaking. He saw his left arm, decorated full of lines and bleeding slightly, but nowhere close to what he had been seeing. He saw his paper full of lines that crossed over themselves and become more illegible as it went on. He saw Umbridge, the cruelty gone from her face, replaced with a bewildered, disgusted and fearful expression.

He looked at the clock, somehow still aware enough to know more there was still a bit of time before and hour and a half would have passed.

It didn't stop him from shakily rising from his seat, tears and blood still on his face, and handing over the paper and quill back to the professor. He barely noticed her flinch before he turned around and dragged himself out of the office.

The walk back is a blur, a fraction of awareness coming back to him when he stepped foot inside the common room. Like a sixth sense he felt their presence without needing to look. Harry and Hermione whispering at each other on the couch. Neville hunched over in a corner table. Nathan stumbled past it all with a hand to his mouth.

He slammed the door to the dorm open, not bothering to close it as he rushed to the bathroom. His elbow hit the sink as he fell to his knees, vomiting on the floor before he angled his head inside the toilet.

Energy left him with every heave of his chest, until all he was expelling was air and he felt like passing out. Nathan was barely able to lift himself from the ground, hunching over the sink to clean his face with his eyes hurting from the strain of keeping them shut.

He did not bother cleaning the bathroom before exiting it. Nor did he bother taking of his bloodied shirt before letting his body drop to his bed.

But he did close the curtains around him, letting the void embrace him as he curled into a tiny ball, crying himself to sleep as You won't break kept bouncing around the darkness surrounding him.