Chapter nine: The Scientist

Title: Losing My Religion (9/?)
Author: Chindyalo
Beta: N/A
Pairing: Finn/Kurt
Rating: PG-13 for now
Warning: Angsty
Disclaimer: Glee belongs to FOX and RIB and all that stuff. I'm not making money from this, ok?
Summary: Finn and Kurt are married, they have a daughter, they love each other. They have everything to be happy. But life does change in a second and never goes back to be the same.
Special Notes: Yeah, still here trying to continue this story and hoping to finish it one day. I don't have beta and English is not my first language so I apologize for the typos and wrong use of words.

Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the start

After Max left, Kurt and Carole found themselves with a new sense of relief, the dinner passed by in a blur. They discussed the good news, Carole even called to Burt and they talked about it, but Kurt couldn't find himself able to share the news with Mercedes or anyone. A small but significant part of him kept making him feel that every good outcome, it would come with something bad, like if it was a cosmic rule that was part of his life. He couldn't felt as relief as he could see Carole felt.

Oh, he was so emotional broken.

He got lost in his thoughts, his fears and the constant effort to remind himself he had to be fine for his daughter's sake. After all, she still was a bright spot in his life, no matter what happened to Finn. Elizabeth was his constant reminder to keep having hope. She was worth all the pain.

Kurt came back to reality when Carole called his name. She had finished cleaning the kitchen without him even noticing it. She was the kind of person that coped with emotions by doing something with her hands, mostly cleaning. On the contrary, Kurt was the kind of person that got lost in his thoughts.

When Carole turned to Kurt with a contemplative look on her face, he knew he had to pay attention. She looked so serious.

"Kurt, there's something I need to talk to you."

"What is it, Carole?"

She took a deep breath before continuing and sat down next to him.

"Kurt, I think it's time for you to tell Finn the truth."

Kurt's eyes widened in surprise not wanting to believe she was talking about that.

"The truth? What do you mean?"

Carole placed her hand gently on his arm giving him a comforting smile that did not comfort him at all.

"Kurt, you've been with Finn for so long, I know you know him more than anyone else, but I know you too and I can tell when you're paralyzed by fear… You both have been through so much during your lives and I know you know Finn is stronger than what we can admit to ourselves. He deserves to know the truth."

Kurt knew exactly what Carole was talking about, and he felt his heart racing. But, just like she had just said: He was so scared. And now he was in denial.

"You mean... the truth about Elizabeth?"

Carole didn't respond right away, she just gave him a strong look that made Kurt feel like crying. She sighed and talked again.

"Yes, Kurt, that too. Of course he should know that he has a daughter. But you know that's not what I meant. It's been almost a week since Finn woke up from the coma, his memory is not coming back by its own. And you've heard what the doctors have said. We must help him to try to recover his memory… It's time to end this secret. You've kept things from him for far too long."

Kurt lowered his gaze, his emotions turning into a whirlwind that was going to make his chest explode. The truth had been a heavy burden on his heart for the very moment he realized Finn's memory was gone, but the idea of revealing the truth was even more hurtful to his heart.

But this wasn't Puck suggesting him to tell Finn the truth, he couldn't just tell Carole to mind her own business. Finn was her business just as much as his.

"I know you're right, Carole but… I'm so afraid of how he'll react, and I'm not just talking about his reaction. What if he gets sick again? How can we be sure this won't be worse for his brain or even affect the memory he still has? What if I tell him everything and he just collapses and then he doesn't remember anything at all? Not even who he is!"

He talked so fast that he wasn't sure if he had been clear. This was the first time he had said aloud the fears he had in his chaotic mind.

Carole squeezed his arm gently.

"Calm down. I'm here for you, Kurt." She cleaned his face. He didn't even noticed there were tears falling from his eyes. He just denied with his head, unable to talk. "Kurt. Your fears are valid and I swear you're not the only one who has thought the same things. But I talked to Finn's doctor again, the chances of these news affecting his physical health are minimal, almost null."

He was about to protest but she kept talking knowing what he was going to say.

"I know you don't want to take that risk but you have to, Kurt. We have to. We can't just keep hiding all this from Finn, it's not fair to him, to you, to me… to Elizabeth. To anybody. Your daughter needs both of her parents."

"He doesn't even know who she is. She can't even go to the hospital and see him… She so small" he whispered.

Kurt was crying, almost begging. He could see tears in Carole's eyes but still determination.

"Doesn't matter. Finn would never hurt her, even if he doesn't remember her right away, the knowledge of being a father will give him the motivation he needs to try to recover his memory. His life"

Kurt didn't say anything. He didn't believe the same thing. This version of Finn wasn't a father, he didn't know what it was like to be in charge of a human life.

Then he remembered… Finn had already been through something like that during high school. He had thought he was going to have a kid with Quinn. It had been so long since that, Kurt hadn't thought about that for awhile. Even then, being so young and so naive, Finn had been willing to do everything for that kid.

After a few seconds of silence. Carole said the last thing that Kurt needed to feel more convinced.

"It's time to start healing, Kurt. You need to heal as much as Finn does. And you won't be able to do it as long as you keep hiding everything from him."

The next morning, as the sun rose over and him not able to sleep at all. Kurt decided it was time to have the conversation he'd been avoiding. The weight of the secret had grown too heavy to bear, and he couldn't let it continue to eat away at him. But he had thought about it carefully all night. Carole was completely right about one thing: Finn could never hurt (intentionally) his daughter. Even if he didn't remember her, Kurt knew Finn would almost immediately fell in love of the idea of being a father.

Two hours after letting Elizabeth with Carole and had said goodbye to Puck. Kurt entered again in Finn's hospital room, determined to find the right words to tell him the truth. Finn was awake, a hint of a smile on his face as he greeted Kurt.

"Hey, Kurt. How's it going? Puck's gone? Too bad he had to couldn't stay more days. I'm gonna miss him"

Kurt ignored Finn's words and took a deep breath and approached the bed. "Finn, we need to talk."

Finn looked puzzled, sensing the seriousness in Kurt's tone. "Okay…What's going on?"

Kurt hesitated, but he couldn't delay this any longer. He reached for a photo inside the bag he had brought that day and handed it to Finn. It was a picture of Elizabeth, the photo had been taken no more than two months ago.

Finn's eyes looked confused. He looked at the picture and then at Kurt like he had just lost his mind. "Who's this?"

Kurt's voice was shaky but resolute. "Finn, this is Elizabeth… your daughter."

Finn's went wide open, he looked in shock and a few seconds later, he seemed unbelieved. "My daughter? What are you talking about?… Is this a joke?"

Kurt was trying so hard to not lose his temper. He didn't want to break into tears, he needed Finn to be fine and help him to process the information. Oh but it was so damn hard.

"I'm not joking. This is true Finn, she is your daughter. Don't... don't you remember her?" His voice almost broke at the last question.

"What are you talking about, Kurt? Why are you telling me this? I- I- I can't have a daughter, I've been here all this time at the hospital and nobody said anything about me having a daughter or a…" Finn's eyes look around the room like he was trying to find something, someone. "Are you telling me I have a family? A wife and all that?"

Kurt's heart sank. He had been prepared for that question but he still was hopeful that maybe Finn wouldn't jump to that conclusion. It had been silly of him hoping for that.

"No. Not a wife, just a daughter" His words were firm and he felt physically ill while he tried not to break eye contact.

Finn denied with his head.

"I just… what do you mean?" Finn seemed incapable to form a coherent sentence, Kurt could see the disbelief and confusion swirling in Finn's mind. "Kurt, please. Explain this to me... Please"

Kurt saw his own fear in Finn's eyes. The same fear he had felt last night during his talk with Carole. He saw the begging, the same need to beg for something was there. But now it was Finn's beg. Finn's confusion and Finn's fear. Kurt took Finn's hand and squeezed it hard. Finn returned the squeeze.

"I'm sorry for telling this now, for waiting so many days to tell you something so important. But I just… I was hoping you would remember everything by your own. I thought it would be a matter of a couple of days for you to recover you memory… But you didn't"

For some reason, Finn had calmed down. Maybe it was Kurt's hand giving him some sort of support, or maybe it was Kurt own vulnerability, but Finn was looking at him more calm and actually listening ad processing Kurt's words.

"I thought that too… I thought that I was going to wake up one of these days and not feel so lost anymore. I feel like I'm missing something every time I look at you or mum or anyone, you look so different. I look so different… But I never thought"

Kurt gave him a small and sad smile understanding what Finn was trying to say.

"You thought you would wake up and none of this was going to be real? The memory loss? That you'd actually be at eighteen year old boy?"

Finn nodded with embarrassment. Kurt decided to let go of his hand.

"This is real, Finn. And I think you need to stop hoping to wake up from this… nightmare." Kurt wasn't sure if those words were more for him that for Finn. But it seemed to work both-ways. "You need to accept that you're not in high school anymore, that you're no longer an eighteen old guy."

"Yeah. You right" Finn sighed "But... I have a daughter? Elizabeth?" Kurt nodded and Finn took back the picture and looked at it with an expression that Kurt couldn't identify. "Can I asked who's her mother?"

Kurt had to options: To lie or to tell the truth. He wasn't ready for the second and definitely didn't want to keep lying to Finn.

"No, please" He murmured almost in a whisper. At Finn's obvious look of surprise and indignation, Kurt added "I need you to trust me on this one, Finn. I think is better for you to start taking the information one by one. And this one is the most important of all: your daughter"

It wasn't a lie. His night of complete sleeplessness had made him realize that he needed to put their daughter first. Even before his marriage. Finn looked at him without saying anything. It seemed to work because he sighted with obvious resignation and nodded before talking.

"Fine. But, just promise me that it won't take that long to know everything I have to know. I don't like to feel like an outsider of my own life."

"I promise"

He had a daughter. Finn was shocked at that. The little girl on that picture was his. And now there were two more pictures in his hand and everything felt more real and scarier. After the first shock of news and his almost panic attack. Kurt had handled him two new pictures. Both of them were of himself with the girl. His daughter.

Finn couldn't stop looking at the picture of that older version of himself holding at new born baby and the other picture of the same o lder Finn holding the same girl but older. Everything was so weird, so surreal.

"So this one is from when she was born, right?"

Kurt smiled "Yeah, two years ago. She was so small. You were so scared of holding her, you thought you would break her"

"Dude, I think I'd be more scared of dropping her!"

Kurt laughed. "That too. But you never did… You were a great father from the first day, Finn"

Finn smiled with a little bit of sadness.

"This Finn seems to be a good father," he pointed at the other picture, it was one of him trying to help the girl to walk. "I know nothing about kids. I don't feel like a father."

Kurt smiled vanished and Finn felt guilty for that. But it was all true. He didn't feel like a good father, hell, he didn't feel like a father at all. He felt bad his words caused sadness to Kurt. But he needed to express how he felt. And Kurt was his friend.

You're supposed to talk to your friends when you feel scared, right?

"Are you sure that you don't remember her at all?" Kurt asked almost devastated and Finn wished he could lie just to make him feel better.

"I'm sorry, Kurt. I don't."

Kurt nodded and took a deep breath cleaning the tears that kept trying to show up.

"I just hoped that the pictures would work, you know? Just like in the movies; you'd look at something and bang, your mind would magically remember everything"

Finn laughed a little. "No offense, dude but I don't think that's how things work in real life."

"Yeah, you're right."

They both were quiet for a few minutes, each of them lost in their own thoughts. Finn kept looking at the pictures trying to find some answers in them. Kurt's phone rang and they both jumped.

"Sorry, it's… I need to take this call outside, ok?"

"Ok." Finn seemed confused but didn't asked anything and Kurt couldn't be more thankful for that.

Kurt walked out of the room before answering the call and kept walking far from the room. He didn't want to take the risk of Finn hearing him.

"Hi, Carole"

"How it went?" She asked as soon as he spoke.

Kurt sighed and told her everything that had happened. He had explained her that morning what he had planned to do. She had disagreed at first but eventually accepted Kurt's words. It wasn't ideal but it was a start.

Kurt could heard her cry after he had finished telling him everything. And now that it was the proper moment, he couldn't cry. The reality was so painful that it seemed like his body was refusing to give into the spiral of tears.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Kurt. I was hoping the same thing that you were. I was hoping that the pictures were going to be some kind of miracle that would solve everything in an instant. I'm really sorry it didn't happen."

Kurt sighed. "Yeah… I… maybe we have to wait? I dunno."

There was a brief seconds of silence in the other side of the line.

"You still want me to stay here all day? You haven't rest, I can go there tonight, dear"

Kurt couldn't be more fast at responding "No, Carole, it's fine, I told you I need to stay here until tomorrow, I need just one more day to see if this works"

"Kurt, I won't tell him anything you don't want me to, I promise. I told you this morning I wouldn't. We're a team, remember?"

Kurt knew that but he couldn't risk it. What if Finn started to ask Carole the same questions he had asked before? How could he be sure Carole wouldn't give up? She wasn't risking the same as he was. What if she started talking about Elizabeth, h er own grand daughter and, in the heat of the moment, she would blurt out some information to Finn without even meaning it?

"Kurt, are you there?"

"Sorry, I'm here… I just can't, Carole. Please understand, I need one more day, ok?"

Carole sighed "Fine, Kurt. As you wish. But try to rest, tell Finn you need to sleep and he will understand."

"I will"

"By the way. Your father called me earlier, he'll get here in an hour or so, just so you know."

"That's great, I felt bad of making you take care of Elizabeth all by you own. I'm sure it'll be easier with my dad's help"

"Don't worry about it, hon. You know how much I love spending time with my girl"

After they hang up, Kurt stayed in the hallway for a few more minutes, he was staring at his phone and thinking. The only way he had got Carole to agree to his idea, was the 'One more day' promise. If things didn't change in the next hours, then he'd have to come clean with Finn the next day. Tomorrow morning was Finn's appointment with Doctor Wang, and they had decided to tell him everything after that appointment if he hadn't remembered anything by then.

He wasn't ready for that.

Finn was asleep when he returned to the room, Kurt saw that he was still holding the most recent picture of him and Elizabeth. He smiled with deep fondness and sat in the chair looking at his husband without feeling worried to show up his feelings.

"Please remember, Finn. Remember us, I'm begging you. I need you." He whispered.

Burt hadn't feel that old and tired in so much time, even after the cancer recovering years ago, he never felt that old as he felt now. Looking at his grandchild knowing the reality of her family, he felt so useless and, therefore, so old. It hurt him so much knowing how much Kurt was suffering. Life had been already too tough for him and yet, it seemed that it wasn't enough.

No matter how grown up Kurt was. Burt felt the need to protect his son just as much as the day he was born.

"So, he just told Finn about him having a child but without revealing anything more?" He asked Carole even though he already knew the answer. He just couldn't believe that Kurt had done things like that.

It was insane to think that'd work. He wasn't a doctor or anything. But it seemed that he was the only one in that family that had accepted the reality: Finn's memory was lost forever. He just knew it. He had seen the blood at the shop when he had gone to see by himself the machine that had almost killed his son in law. It was a miracle that he had survived. The memory loss seemed like a miracle considering how severe the accident had been.

"Yes, and I can see by your face that you don't like that, Burt. But Kurt wasn't even willing to tell him nothing, so I'm just relieved that he agreed on this one." Carole was on the floor next to Elizabeth, the little girl was eating a banana while trying to share it with one of her dolls. "Besides, Kurt promised me that he'd tell Finn everything tomorrow, he just want to see if Finn remembers anything today."

Burt snorted. He knew his son. If he hadn't told him everything by now, he didn't think he was going to do it, no matter how many promises he had made to Carole.

"What? You don't think he will tell him?"

"I don't think so, Carole. Kurt's been through so much since the accident…"

"We all have. This is ridiculous, Burt. I know I must respect Kurt's decisions, but Finn is my son and I hate lying to him and hiding so many things. If Kurt doesn't talk to him, then I will."

Burt sighed wishing to find the way to fix everything without his son suffering even more.

"I'll talk to Kurt tomorrow. Let me talk to him first, ok?"

Carole frowned but nodded, she didn't look so convinced. Hell, not even Burt felt convinced.

"Now let's just focus on this little girl, alright? Hey, Elizabeth, wanna watch a movie with your grandpa?"

Elizabeth smiled.

It was almost midnight when Kurt was woken up by the noise of the door. A nurse had just left the room. He looked at the bed and was surprised to find Finn complete awake. Kurt had joined him in his nap after they had returned from Finn's physical therapy. That day had been even more painful than the day before, it had been the first time that Finn had stand up from the best since the accident. His legs were fine, but all those weeks on a bed, and the coma, had made his muscles weak and he had been exhausted after walking through the physical rehabilitation room. His arm was whole different story, Finn had almost cried at the exercises of that day.

Finn and Kurt had fallen asleep almost immediately after getting back to the room. But now Finn was completely awake.

"Hey" Kurt said with a rough voice. He felt like he had slept for days when it had been only a few hours.

"Hey" Finn said not looking at him.

"You okay? Are you still in pain?" Kurt asked as he tried to dislodge his body. He had fallen asleep in a very uncomfortable position. Finn looked very serious. "What is it, Finn?"

"I had a nightmare"

"Oh… I'm sorry to heard that." Finn looked very upset. "You wanna talk about it?"

"I need to ask you something that I know you don't want me to talk about it"

Kurt stared at him nervously. "What… ok, go ahead."

"Did Rachel broke up with me because I disappointed her?"

Kurt wasn't expecting that question. Not at all.

"What are you talking about? Disappointed about what?"

Finn finally looked at him and Kurt felt a knot in his chest. Finn looked like he had been crying.

"Please, just answer the question."

"Finn I…" he was taken so off guard by the sudden need of Finn to talk about Rachel again, even after the fight they had about it days before. "I don't know exactly what happened, ok? Is this about your nightmare? Did you dream of… her?"

"I think so, I'm not even sure if it was a dream or a…"

Finn couldn't stop the sentence and Kurt felt anxious.

"Did you remember something?" He asked not able to hid the sudden excitement.

Could it be?

"I dunno, dude. Maybe? All I know is that I was asleep and then I woke up and it's like… it was there, in my brain. I don't even know if it was a dream, it felt so different… so real."

Kurt nodded not completely understanding but trying to not pressure him.

"It's ok, I guess. Can you tell me what did you remember?"

Finn sighed and close his eyes, he was obviously trying to focus. Maybe it had been a dream. Kurt knew how difficult it was to remember some of them, sometimes you had just the feeling, but not the actual memory.

"I'm not sure how or when it happened, or even where, but…" Finn squeezed his eyes like when he had a headache but Kurt didn't dare to stop him. "All I know it's Rachel was sad and angry and told me she was disappointed at me for not being the ' man' she felt in love with… And she was screaming something I can't recall but then… then she told me she could't deal with my identity crisis and that I wasn't being fair to her, to us."

Oh shit. Well, definitely not a dream. That was a memory, a really crappy one.

"That's it, that's all I have" Finn opened his eyes and looked at him expectantly. "I just know that it hurts to think about it, but I'm not even sure why. And I think it's all my fault"

"It's not, Finn. It's not your fault, it never was" Kurt assured him not standing to see Finn like that.

"So it was all real? She was so mad and disappointed. I must have done something really bad…that's why she broke up with me, right? That's why she wouldn't marry me. Did I betray her?"

Oh if it only was that simple. The last time Finn and Rachel broke up years before, it had been a turning point on their lives. Rachel had showed them how selfish she could be. Kurt couldn't believe that she was still there haunting their lives even years after Finn had got over her.

"Finn, trust me. You didn't do anything bad. I can't… I don't want to get into details, but you need to understand that she broke up with you because she was very cowardly to deal… to deal with the fact that you weren't what she expected of you, she was too selfish to be supportive. You're the one that should have been disappointed, not her."

"What are you talking about, Kurt? Please stop being so cryptic, how do you want me to remember things if you're not being clear with me?"

Kurt was frowning, he was so angry at himself. He had talked without being completely careful with his words. But looking at Finn so vulnerable, being so harsh to himself had always made him lose control of his own emotions. It seemed that a vulnerable Finn had been and will always be his bigger weakness.

"Finn I just… I can't"

But Finn was angry now and not willing to give up on this. Not this time.

"What did Rachel mean when she was talking about not being able to deal with my identical crisis?"

Kurt stood up and walked around the room in despair. This was not the way he was going to talk about all the things he had been hiding from Finn. Not if everything was going to end up being about Rachel Berry. Just like in the past.

"Talk to me, Kurt!" Finn almost yelled

"No! Not like this, Finn. Don't do this to me, please" His face was red with anger, and he wasn't even sure who he was angrier at. "Why does everything have to come back to Rachel? Why on earth you won't remember anything besides her? For god's sake, Finn. I told you this morning you have a daughter and you couldn't care less!"

This time he had yelled. His voice echoed all the room, hell, maybe all the hallway. The silence that followed his yelling was so tense. Finn eyes were wide open. A slight of guilt appear in his pupils.

"I do care… I'm trying, Kurt. I really am, ok?"

"Well, try harder!… You're not the only one who is hurting here, Finn. Your life is not the only one that went upside down with your accident and memory loss… You must stop chasing Rachel's ghost and focus on the people that are still here for you…"

"Kurt, what are…?"

"Your daughter is not the only one that needs you back, Finn"

"What…?" Finn was trying to understand but Kurt just couldn't keep doing this. He took his bag and left the room without saying anything else.

It was the first time Finn had spent the night alone in his room. Even when he had been in a coma, completely unaware of the world, Kurt had made sure he wouldn't be alone more than an hour at day. And now he had just ran away from Finn unable to handle what was happening.

Who's the coward now? He heard a voice in his head, a voice that sounded a lot like Rachel's.

He walked through the hallway of the hospital, it was so quiet at that hour, and thankfully he didn't cross with any worker. He knew it wasn't allow to visits to be wandering the hospital at night. But he had to be as far as possible.

He stopped walking when he recognize the room. Kurt didn't plan to walk that far or in that direction, but there he was. The waiting room where he had been right after Finn had been admitted in the hospital, almost dead. Right after his life had changed probably forever.

The waiting room wasn't empty, but nobody paid attention to him. The few workers were more focused on their own business, and the rest of people were probably waiting news on their loved ones. He couldn't believe that he had been there not a long ago. It had been almost a month since he had been in that room for the first time but it felt like it had been years since then.

Trying to continue to going unnoticed, Kurt walked to an empty chair and sat there not knowing what the hell he was doing.

He felt that his heart hadn't left that waiting room since the first day. His heart had been there from the moment he knew the had known the seriousness of Finn's condition. His heart had stayed there all this time, waiting for something good. For a relief that would end up its pain. But it was clear now, weeks later: waiting was useless. It was not going to happen. The pain was not going to end. Not now, probably not ever.

Kurt sat there and cried. He cried like the first day.