Severus Snape kissed Hermione Granger.
His first hunch was to pack his trunks and Apparate off the Hogwarts grounds by breakfast. But being a spy, Severus knew better than to act on hunches.
He knew that snogging a student was supposedly a bad idea. He read about it in books and heard about it from international colleagues during the Triwizard Tournament.
But it was the nineties, and healthy and safety training sessions on sexual coercion had not yet been invented. At least not in Wizarding England whose jurisdiction was still based on medieval practises.
Therefore Severus simply went about his day as any other professor would, only now with the unvexed knowledge that he- above other things- was a pedophile. (The other things being that he was a murderer, spy and Cokeworth half-blood trash).
News of the *Infamous Snog* spread throughout the school like wildfire. All teenagers were privy to the gossip that the greasy dungeon bat of a Potions professor turned Defence professor did in fact do other things with his mouth other than lecture and deduct House points. In fact, those things might be things they wished they did themselves, but were never allowed to because Snape sent them to detention if he caught them in the act.
The general opinion of the older lads was that Snape was a hypocrite and therefore a chav and should not be listened to any longer.
The general opinion of the older girls was that Snape was kind of a cad, and maybe they should have been quilling his name in the margins of their parchments instead of Lockhart's.
The general opinion of the younger students, who had no idea what snogging was, was that Professor Snape's methods were ineffable...although they couldn't explain why.
Severus' general opinion was that all teenagers were idiots.
Although, that didn't include Miss Granger, for whom he felt a newfound sense of responsibility. Having himself been a victim of teasing in his younger days, he knew very well what kind of taunts lay ahead for the young witch.
He would use his pedagogical power in Defence class to rectify the problem. He acted decisively, calling her up to demonstrate a particularly difficult hex against Malfoy. Little to their knowledge, he applied an Absorption Shield in front of the witch, allowing her to easily defeat her opponent.
"Head up, Draco," he whispered as the boy left the area, "Malfoys always end up on top."
The careful ego stroke was enough to disarm and please Draco and he decided not to argue his defeat any further. He took it with stride, telling his friends that he actually let Granger defeat him because she's a girl and his father doesn't let him duel girls anyways.
Next, Severus volunteered himself as an opponent to Miss Granger. She froze, brown eyes clouded with fear. It was one thing to defeat the tail of the snake, but to face its head was an entirely different story.
He nodded. Go on, Miss Granger, chin up. They took their duelling stances, turned, took ten steps apart, came face to face, and she struck him with the Paralyzing Hex, sending his dominant arm into a frenzy.
He hobbled back and caught himself mid fall: his every misstep-calculated, his features-schooled into a mixture of shock and admiration.
"Miss Granger, a low blow after last night's abrupt departure from my dungeons," he purred, loud enough for the keeners in the front row to giggle and whisper.
"Professor I did not-"
"-do not insult me further with your excuses. Again."
She struck him again and again, each time with great success. Luckily for Severus, he was ambidextrous, and he finally struck her back with a Tripping Hex, ending the duel altogether.
He did not have to pretend so hard to look crestfallen-his arm hurt a fair deal after class was over. She had used a NEWTS level hex, he would later realize, and it was far above her level. And it was bloody well done.
But his mind, at present, was occupied with anouther question: why hadn't Dumbledore called him up to his office yet?
There was an obvious explanation for that. The Headmaster was playing a game of his own device: a game where his and Granger's pawns were exactly in the places he needed them to be on his mental chessboard.
The promotion, the co-planning party with Slughorn and having the Gryffindor as his date were all part of the codger's grand plan, and Severus was going to figure out exactly what that plan was.
-x-x-x-
Minerva had already told off ten sixth years for sending paper cranes in her class detailing last night's Infamous Snog. Any more and she'd have to enact a rule on a plaque nailed to the wall, Umbridge style.
She sat in her office, determined to finish her grading in peace when Severus knocked on her door.
"If this is about Miss Granger, I'm afraid I cannot help you," she said.
Severus locked the door behind him.
"You are not the only unfortunate lad at Hogwarts."
Severus cocked a brow.
"Believe me, I had already tried to speak with Albus about it."
Severus approached the edge of the rug.
"No, I would never suggest such a thing to him. And no, it wasn't a bet either."
He put one hand down on the adjacent chair from her desk.
"Blasted toads, I taught you Severus Snape. There is no trick of yours I haven't seen."
He pulled a bottle of aged Glenmorangie out of his robes setting it on the table.
Minerva grinned, Summoning over two Scotch glasses, chilled and with ice. "Have a seat, Severus."
-x-x-x-
"That blasted codger," Severus slurred, thumping the Scotch glass on the table. "And for Sybil, too."
It struck a nerve with him, that Professors with such little competence should have to be molly-coddled.
"Believe me, I tried to talk him out of it-"
-try better."
Minerva poured herself anouther glass. "Severus, you know as well as I do that when an idea sets into his old head, nothing can dissuade it."
Severus growled. There was no Scotch strong enough to sweet-talk the Headmaster out of his plans.
"I will not seduce Miss Granger. You know as well as I that it is against my principles. My only principle, in fact regarding both witches and students."
"Then you must follow through on those principles," Minerva said. "It is the only way."
Severus bowed his head. He did not want to leave Hogwarts. He had a very important mission here, a mission only he and blasted Dumbledore knew about. A mission tying him to this school until it was completed. But perhaps, that was the card he would have to play to put reason into the Headmaster's mind.
Against Minerva's protests, he rose from his seat and flew to the Phoenix office: foxed and furious. His signature Snape-anese stride with billowing robes was skewed so far to the right, that he knocked over half-a-dozen student and an unfortunate knight in the process.
The only redeeming factor was his nasty reputation; the poor firsties on the ground decided that the Defence professor had in fact noticed they had copied their essays from their siblings and this was his usual form of punishment for their misdeeds. They wept in an ugly fashion and prepared themselves to be put into detention and receive Howlers from their parents tomorrow at breakfast.
This is how it was done at Hogwarts, they decided sadly. Student rights and general snowflake entitlement had also not yet been invented in the nineties.
When Severus reached the office, it was empty. The headmaster knew he was coming and played the oldest trick in his book: dissapearing out of sight until the danger had passed.
Severus swung his hand, knocking over a stack of books in the process. Whoever wrote that 'a wizard arrives precisely when he means to' deserved to be put on a pike. He flew into the Pensieve chamber next, but realized the corresponding memories had dissapeared along with Dumbledore.
Severus couldn't even see what was discussed at the August staff meeting the moment his fate was decided. And to make matters worse, he had missed that staff meeting because Dumbledore sent him on a spy mission to Voldemort's lair to gather the Dark Lord's Lesson Plans Most Evile for the upcoming school year. Double Fuck.
Severus cursed a ship load and a little raft, trashed a small shelf of insignificant memories from last year's Quidditch banquet, stormed back into the office where he threw Fawkes' litter pan all over the headmaster's desk and then met face to face with...
"Granger."
She said nothing, only dropped her book bag and ran out of the office.
-x-x-x-
Hermione Granger was generally of good opinion about Professor Snape, but now she was beginning to see that Harry and Ron might have been right.
She had gone up to the Headmaster's office, prepared to receive her detention for misconduct only to find Professor Snape there, looking like she'd never before seen him.
He smelled of alcohol and was acting like a wild Thestral, destroying everything in sight. His usually serene black eyes had lit up with a dangerous fire and his mouth was uttering swears she'd never dreamed the usually poignant and dry-witted professor even knew the definition of. And the way he was behaving scared the daylights out of her.
She was shaking and had to throw up in the girls lavatory into Moaning Myrtle's favourite toilet. She'd barely slept the night before, was running on pumpkin juice and adrenaline and had been put on the spot in front of the entire Defence classroom for not one but two duels. And now, this.
The only redeeming factor was Professor Snape's snide, innuendo-riddled comments made to her during their duel. The entire class could talk of nothing, but that in the corridors after Defence.
Hermione Granger had turned down Professor Snape's advances and left him in a cuckold. He was such a creep. And she was a total hero. And to top it off, she had held her ground against Snape for ten whole minutes. That was a new record, the previous only being ten seconds and only happened because Neville's toad ran in front of Snape's feet and the Potions master had to kick him across the stage before it lost its warts.
How very Slytherin of Professor Snape.
If he was there to speak to the Headmaster, it was clear he himself was not pleased with the events of the Hallowe'en party. Hermione wiped her mouth. Maybe she could just *forget* the whole thing happened and move forward.
Professor Snape's reaction wasn't so bad after all. In fact, it reminded her of the time she punched Malfoy in the face a few years back.
She imagined Professor Snape punching Dumbledore in the face, smiling wistfully, then stopped herself. No, that wouldn't be funny at all.
-x-x-x-
A full-moon party? Slughorn had to be joking. But no, the invitation on Severus' desk appeared legitimate.
Slughorn needn't have bothered penning him one; Severus knew a week ago that he would once again be expected to attend and once again with Miss Granger as his date.
The news had been well received by the student population. Half of them wanted to know how they could get into Professor Slughorn's good graces, so that he might start inviting them to his special parties. The other half wanted to know how they could get into Professor Snape's good graces so that they could snog him.
Every witch was trying her best to receive top marks in Potions and Defence.
In the end, the arrangement worked out well for both Slytherin Professors, but not for Hermione.
She went up to her dorms to find out her evening dress for the party was destroyed to shreds. That was probably because Hermione was a Gryffindor and Gryffindors are very emotional when they don't get their way. Gryffindors also don't do things in halves, which is why all of Hermione's decent clothes had been destroyed to shreds.
Hermione appeared in the dungeons dressed in Muggle jeans and a cardigan. Severus didn't need his Legilimency skills to put two and two together.
"Who did this to you?" he would have asked had he acted on his hunches.
Instead, he insisted Miss Granger accompany him to Madame Malkins where he bargained with her to let them purchase her most expensive dress in return for being let into the shop past closing time. Madame Malkin never said no to 300 galleons.
Severus' Gringotts account let out a gentle sob. Severus almost cried himself. Responsibility was a costly business.
He did get affected when he saw Miss Granger step out in said dress from the change room.
"Does it look bad?" she asked clutching her chest.
Severus shook his head. Not for three-hundred galleons it didn't. It was the best dress in the damned world, and actually, it was. Hermione Granger could hold a candle to Narcissa Malfoy the way she looked.
The gown had a tight top and billowing sleeves, like those fairies in Muggle children's books. But the crown jewel of it was the fabric which shimmered in every shade between purple and blue and appeared to have a thousand stars dancing across the surface. It made Miss Granger's hair look even more soft and her eyes, an ever deep shade of chocolate brown.
"Professor?"
Severus had made the classic wizard mistake of staring off into space while focusing on a witch's...features.
"I hate to ask," she whispered, "but I need shoes."
-x-x-x-
None of the jealous witches at Slughorn's Full-Moon party could have imagined that Hermione Granger would show up looking as she did. Glorious. Fabulous. Breathtaking. Iconic.
They had all been eyeing the catalogue at Madame Malkins for quite some time now and had seen the very dress and shoes she appeared in. None of them could actually afford said dress and shoes, their combined price totalling up to three years' worth of school supplies. How she could afford them, coming from a Muggle family, was honestly baffling.
Karma was a bitch. And a well-dressed witch.
They were in stitches that she would actually snog Professor Snape twice and she'd look good doing it. And Severus, who was a skilled Legilimens, had been tempted to provide them with that satisfaction.
He had vowed to not seduce Hermione Granger. It went against all his principles. But he also vowed to never let a bully win. That was a principle much higher on his list of importances. And since he'd taken on the responsibility for Miss Granger's social status since she'd drunkenly snogged him at the last party, he was determined to continue his crusade against inequity until the very end.
Doing things all the way was one thing Slytherins and Gryffindors had in common. Slytherins just did it with more finesse.
He first took Hermione around the room, introducing her to all the adult guests Slughorn invited. Most of them were notable Ministry officials or famous and well-to-do graduates of Hogwarts. He put in a very good word for Miss Granger with the Arithmancy department head at Beauxbaton Continuing Wizardry Education and even engaged her for not one, but two whole dances in the mini ballroom Slughorn had set up to look like a moonlit meadow.
It was all very regency-scandalous and the medieval-minded guests at the event took notice of his (mis)conduct and whispered furiously that Snape ought to marry the witch after such an obvious display of affection.
By the end of it all, he took Miss Granger behind a thinly veiled curtain in an alcove and convinced her to sit still while he extracted an unfortunate array of fake stars stuck in her curly hair.
They sat very close to each other and their heads were intertwined in the most obvious fashion.
All guests went home with two shared opinions.
One, that Severus Snape was a known leer and pedophile.
Two, he was bloody fucking smooth at it.
-x-x-x-
"You know, Minerva, I'm beginning to have doubts."
"Thank Merlin-"
"Violet is a very Ravenclaw shade," Dumbledore sighed, setting aside the once-beloved bonnet. "I do believe I must continue to pledge my loyalty to crimson and gold."
Minerva massaged her ever-growing crow's foot. "Have you reconsidered your Severus-Hermione plot at all?"
Dumbledore's eyes went berserk. "Minerva I have to decide which bonnet I am to wear to the Christmas feast along with the rest of the tomfoolery at the school I must deal with. Do you really believe that what my dear boy and girl are doing is at the top of my list of concerns?" He sighed. "Might I remind you that Tom plans to strike again at the end-of-year-feast, and I do believe he has something nefarious planned for us yet."
"Yes Albus, I know," Minerva said, controlling her tone.
This Hermione and Severus business had gone on long enough. Students were going to lose faith in the administration of Hogwarts, and if not students...the parents would. If Albus won't listen to reason, perhaps she'd have to take the concerns up to a higher authority.
A/N: things are looking pretty bad for Dumbles. At least Hermione got a nice new dress out of it. Who knew Severus was such a gentleman? (psst...we did!) What will happen next?