CHAPTER 4
I cannot lose my wife!
Colin desperately search for his wife everywhere like crazy
Colin did not find any clue and thought it best to leave their bedchamber otherwise he would keep on dwelling on Penelope's memories on every corner he would lay his eyes upon.
He closed the door and found himself faced to the settee, the settee he slept on everytime he was in their home, everytime he let his wife sleep alone in their bedchamber. How vile he had been. It was entirely his fault Pen felt compelled to leave.
Guilt engulfed him. He let out a heavy sigh.
Assuredly she had hidden her secret from him about being Lady whistledown but surely he could try to approach her to discuss it, right? She was not someone cruel. All she had written in her gossip column were nothing but the truth.
Why couldn't he be there for her when she needed him? After all, they had vowed to be by each other's side. He forgot about that, did he? He was fuming upon his own stubbornness.
Colin expeditiously rushed downstairs to start his search for Pen. Fully prepared, he returned to the horse he had taken on the way to their house.
He had to start somewhere.
But where? He had no idea.
He couldn't possibly stop people of the ton on the street to ask, they would be suspicious of the event and gossip about it.
He couldn't possibly ruin her reputation. For once he broke free from his self-centeredness and the concern for his family's reputation only, even if that was undoubtedly of utmost importance but this time, he also gave his wife some consideration. The woman he swore a lifelong commitment to care for.
It was not possible to obtain many answers at this hour of the night anyhow, he had been too late and had little chance. If only he had been more responsible and had read her letter sooner. Unfortunately.
Colin rode as fast as he could and as far as he presumed Penelope might be because it was almost a day since she had left and couldn't possibly be anywhere nearby but rather outside of Mayfair.
Fortunately it was night and the road was clear, or unfortunately, as there would not be many people awake to help. Colin was sceptical.
A little far away from their residence, he started his search by stopping at every motel or hotel or restaurant in case his wife might have stopped for the night or to eat something.
Surely there were not many redheads in the vicinity and as short and plump as Penelope most likely not. She was unique. 'She was one in a million', he thought.
To his dismay, no clues relating to Penelope were found at any of them. The accommodations had not welcomed any or not short redheads the day that had gone by. He even discreetly asked some of the carriage drivers in case Penelope was inside as he came across some of them on his way. Alas.
Colin kept searching for hours, not resting. He kept on searching, pausing at every accommodation he encountered until it was almost dawn. He was very far from home and besides, he started feeling weak. Weak that he might lose his wife for good.
'Or maybe he already lost her?', he shivered at the mere thought of it.
Colin was feeling disconsolate when he got back on his horse as if he might just pass out with anguish. His hands felt cold from the distress.
He thought it wiser to go back home and return afterwards with better ideas on how to find her. Benedict, his brother, could be of some assistance to him then perhaps. In pairs, the search will have greater viability.
He will have to narrate everything to his brother though. Or Colin might leave some of the sour details of how miserable of a husband he had been that his wife had to leave him to experience a glimpse of happiness because he was too immature to provide her any. He shook his head at that feeling.
Colin felt torn apart as he stepped down from his horse back home.
The sun was already out and the Bridgertons would be waking up to break their fast anytime soon. He had to inform them of the calamity that had fallen upon his family. His family being him and Penelope.
That family was no more. There was only him now, and he was the cause. He was feeling ashamed of revealing the motive behind her departure. He deduced he would not disclose the justification to them.
Yet, manifestly his mother would naturally know since she was now cognizant that Penelope was LW and that it must have been the factor of their pre-wedding angst. Even if Colin had not spoken about his private marital matter to his mother, she was old enough plus quite experienced to have a notion of their detachment.
Colin despondently sinked in a chair in the drawing room beside the window, reflecting.
He envisioned how his life would be if he was never able to locate his wife, his best friend, his soul mate.
Who would he share his travels stories with? Who would laugh at his silly jokes when he decided to tell them? Who would cherish him and lavish him with love, devotion and tenderness other than his irresistible wife? His heart was burning.
He had lost the treasure of his life. Penelope was the moon that brightened his existence.
How could he not see that? No one else was to be blamed but him. He had to be reprimanded for it. He needed everybody to yell at him, blaming him for being a good for nothing, only then would he feel content. That was what he was worth.
His heart felt heavy in his chest as he looked at the door waiting for his family to appear so he could share how his life had suddenly turned upside down.
Eloise was the first to arrive. She was bored and decided to read her new novel in the drawing room until she would join the others to break her fast.
As soon as she saw Colin, before he could inform her about anything, she asked whether he had visited Pen lately since his wife had inquired about him the day before yesterday and Eloise was unable to find him afterwards; either being absent from home or too drunk when he was.
Colin was unable to reply, again lost in the thought of his recurring immature behaviour as he recalled how reckless he had been.
"Is everything alright, brother?" Eloise looked at him concerned, as she knew Colin was silent only when something was disturbing him, otherwise he would be insufferable.
"She is gone Eloise", Colin replied, his voice barely coming out.
"Gone? Who? I do not understand. What's wrong?" Eloise was confused as she was not sure of the words she heard since Colin was almost whispering.
Colin turned to look at her sluggishly, breaking from his blank stare at the floor. His appearance demonstrated a shattered look. "My wife is gone. She left me. I've failed as a husband. I was unable to make her happy. You were right, I should not have made my marriage be the scar but I failed and it did." He sighed.
"Now I am left alone Eloise…all alone", his voice became a whisper as he let out the last two words and turned back to continue staring blankly at the floor beside the window.
"What? I… uh… are you sure brother?" Eloise was shocked.
Colin nodded without looking back at her. His eyes became teary. Just as the tears were about to fall, Hyacinth and Gregory entered the drawing room followed by their mother. They just woke up and were heading out to break their fast.
"Ah Colin! I thought you would be at your house with your wife. A husband should not stay so long away from his wife, after all you are newlyweds, surely you both might want to spend time together now", Violet chuckled and smiled at him cheerfully.
"You were right mother, I am to be blamed. I deserted my wife for too long and now she is gone", Colin replied, still unmoved, still staring blankly at the floor, his voice monotone. It felt like his eyes were unable to move. He appeared frozen in shock and was still processing Penelope's disappearance at the back of his mind.
Violet's face became pale. She was not certain that was what she had heard, just like Eloise a while earlier. She and Eloise looked at each other with concern and worry.
"Colin, are you still drunk? Surely it is very early in the morning, you could try to abstain from it during that time of the day at least?", she replied calmly yet annoyed.
"I am no more drunk, mother. My wife is gone and I am to be blamed for it", he then turned to look his mother in the eyes, trying to convey with his gaze the secret they had both just shared about his wife. Violet gasped and immediately understood his hint. She turned to her other children and signalled them to leave. Before heading off, Eloise gave her brother a worried glance.
His mother sat down beside him, taking the time to inquire about the potential issue as he clearly seemed troubled. He returned to his staring area.
"Colin. What're you saying? What do you mean Penelope left?" She shifted her voice to a whisper "Is that because of her being Lady Whistledown?"
Colin looked at her, shame filled his eyes, not able to reply to his mother of the atrocities he inflicted on his wife.
"Colin, do not tell me you have been upset at Penelope and abandoned her because she is Lady Whistledown. I know you are sensitive but surely this is not the time to behave like a boy. She is your wife. You vowed to look after her in front of God at church." "You couldn't possibly disown her in a moment like that." Violet looked perplexed and worried.
She swallowed, carefully choosing her words, knowing Colin is sensitive and any wrong words might have an adverse reaction.
"Where is she? Has she gone to her mother? I can accompany you to reason with her. She is a sensible woman, I am sure she will not want to break your marriage." Violet's voice was soft.
"She is gone mother, and…she would never have left if I had not compelled her to do so", Colin replied, his voice breaking and his tone low.
"I was too angry at her and I distanced myself so much without realising how alone she must have been." "She asked me the other day to love her, to be there for her and I ignored her…", Colin's voice started to shake and tremble. He ceased talking as he knew otherwise he would break down and sob. Being aware that he would be unable to stop, he was reluctant to begin.
"Colin, please tell me she did not leave because you distanced yourself from her upon learning she is Lady Whistledown. Please tell me!" Violet's tone was increasing, no more caring if anyone would hear her just as she became aware of the gravity of the situation.
Colin was ashamed to look at her and nodded while looking in the corner of his eyes where his mother sat. "It's exactly that mother", he said, his tone still low but clear. His eyes lowered in shame.
"Colin Bridgerton!" Violet exclaimed.
Colin did not jump nor did he look surprised. He was kind of expecting that.
"Do you not realise how much she has done for us in that identity?" she lowered her tone, "I agree sometimes she has said sharp things but it was all in the intention of saving us, saving you, saving your brothers and sisters." "Don't make me start with the details, of course you are fully conscious of them."
"Now that the Queen is aware who she is, I hope she is merciful towards her." Violet placed her hand on Colin's arm to make sure he was mentally present and listening as he continued staring vacantly at the floor.
"But surely she needed you by her side more than ever in this stressful predicament Colin, how could you abandon her like that?" Her eyes were full of worry for her family, for Penelope and mostly for her third born, being cognisant of his sensitivity and the way even seemingly insignificant things affected him.
"Will you try to look for her?" Violet inquired. "Of course mother, she is my wife", Colin looked back at her desperate, his voice normal and affirmative, pressing on his last word. "In fact, I spent the night doing so. I just returned after obtaining no indications of her whereabouts." Colin's eyes started becoming teary as he pursed his lips.
His mother pressed his arm, offering some consolation.
Violet sighed, reflecting on the situation and the solution and what could be done to remedy the same.
Before she was able to add anything else, Benedict entered the drawing room. A look at the scene and he understood somehow that the situation was not positive.
He approached his brother who still sank in his chair, unmoving, his eyes reflecting immense agony. Colin explained the situation to Benedict with the help of Violet of course since he was stumbling on his words too many times or unable to speak as his voice was shaking desperately.
Benedict offered to help instantaneously and took Colin to eat something so that they would have the courage to search for Pen during the day as he seemed very weak.
After replenishing their energy at breakfast, the two brothers were set to search for Penelope. Eloise came to wish them luck and indicated that she desired to see her friend back.
She patted Colin's back as he was getting ready.
"You will find her, don't worry." Colin nodded. "I also want to see my friend", she gave him a weak smile and waved as they entered their carriage.
Benedict thought it wiser to go by carriage so that they could pause somewhere if they were unable to find her before night and additionally to avoid coming back home and starting the search from scratch. Colin agreed as his mind seemed to no longer be functioning to argue alternatively.
They brought some food and basic stuff for about some days' journey, unable to fathom until when they would return.
They resumed at the accommodations Colin had stopped the night before, inquiring about Penelope and sometimes themselves searching for her throughout the crowds.
So far nothing had been of positive results and Colin started to become more despaired. Benedict noticed his condition and decided to halt for the night at the last hotel they had inquired, so they could rest. The accommodation seemed decent and they would have a good night's sleep before resuming the following day.
Colin was recalling how the night before he had thought that he would have all the time in the world to talk to his wife, waiting for the butterfly ball to do so. Yet, here he was….missing her like crazy, dying to get even a glimpse of her. He sighed painfully at the thought of her and the ache of missing her.
It had been foolish of him to wait so long.
How he hoped his wife would come back, how he hoped he would find her forthwith. He couldn't bear the thought of losing her, not forever. He was utterly tormented at the thought of 'forever.'
'What would Colin Bridgerton become without his wife?', he thought, looking outside the window at the clear sky, in their hotel bedchamber.
Colin was unable to sleep whereas Benedict was already snoring. Gazing at his brother, he felt grateful for his presence because it appeared that he had already become bewildered in his wife's remembrances.
After more than one day's travel, Penelope was starting to feel uneasy. 'After all, it was the first time she was travelling while being with child.'
'No.' She rectified her thought.
'It was the first time she was travelling, while knowing she was with child.' Surely she was already with child when she had travelled before. 'When could it be?' Penelope had no idea, she was so ignorant on the matter.
Thankfully a maid had come with her as chaperone to assist her. Penelope would ask her about the matters of being with child and maybe she might have more answers to her questions than her mother decided to inform her about.
Penelope was unaware that one time of intimacy sufficed for a woman to be with child. She supposed it had to be more than once probably. Well, that is what she assumed on her own because no one ever cared to explain anything to her, neither her mother nor her husband.
But then why would he? All he ever cared about was to possess her. As soon as she belonged to him it seemed as if he was through with her. He left her alone to rot. He seemed obstinate to punish her. Penelope felt agony overwhelm her at that notion.
She would not cry, not anymore, not for the man who felt entrapped in her love.
That being said, she was not remorseful about their child.
She was on the contrary, elated that such a beautiful moment resulted in a child, an offspring she could call her own.
Penelope did not regret any moment spent with Colin.
She rather wished that there had been more of those moments. Colin had spent the last few days so furious at her for being LW, for being herself, that they didn't get to spend more memorable moments together. She had hoped to have more memories of him now that she was about to spend a lifetime in his memories only.
Penelope had no desire to get married again. She had been hurt enough, there was no necessity to add more to that suffering.
Hopefully this child will love her like no one ever did unlike her family or her husband.
They would care for each other. At that point, she wouldn't require anybody else in her life. Penelope envisaged her future, as she looked outside of the carriage window, contemplating the view outside of Mayfair.
She was travelling. Just like her husband.
How she had imagined travelling along with Colin. Touring the world together hand in hand, viewing and discussing the sceneries outside the same carriage but here she was, travelling alone, running away from the same man she dreamt of travelling with. Her gaze remained fixed outside, consumed in her own reflections.
She had stopped one time the day before to eat and to buy supplementary food on her way as she had packed in a rush and brought no food, but then chose to quickly resume her journey in case one of the Bridgertons might come looking for her after Colin obtained her letter.
Pen pondered over the possible current situation at the Bridgerton house. Every member must have assuredly been baffled, including Colin unquestionably, but after some days he would undoubtedly feel relieved to be rid of her.
He would need no excuse to sulk or be gloomy now that the biggest issue of his life was out. There would be no Whistledown attached to the Bridgerton name and she made sure of that in her letter to the queen.
Penelope stopped at a hotel which seemed quite approachable, for the night, just to sleep prior to resuming her trip. In light of her condition, the maid advised her to get some rest and that lengthy journeys without stops could be perilous. She accepted.
Thankfully she was being advised.
She didn't bring Rae along. She deem it better to let her stay back to look after Colin, she found no one else trustworthy. Penelope asked Rae to make sure Colin was being looked after and to cater to his needs, until he decided to dismiss her probably. This was also Rae's choice. In addition to informing her mistress about any issue pertaining to Colin, she would also look after him in her absence, as her Master.
Furthermore, now that Penelope was going to start a new life she wanted everything afresh, even having a different maid, despite the fact that it was more challenging. Seeing Rae might have perhaps made her remember her previous life; how Rae had helped her spend time with Colin unchaperoned on various occasions when she was still unmarried.
She then remembered their first kiss.
A tear slid across her cheek, sinking into her pillow as she recalled that full moon's night.
That had been the first intimate moment between her and Colin. It was one of the most beautiful days of her life as she closed her eyes and appreciated the love of her life kiss her, the man she had loved. Subsequently, how reality hit back when she opened her eyes, realising he didn't reciprocate her feelings and how he just merely granted her request.
Penelope realised she was experiencing the same feeling presently. When Colin had proposed to her, she felt over the moon, when they got married she was absolutely thrilled but then when he distanced himself from her entirely and now that she escaped, it felt like she was woken from a dream and had been thrown back to reality.
Penelope wondered what her husband must be doing at that moment. Did he miss her like she did? Or was he somewhat glad to be rid of her? Anyhow, she had to get over worrying about him for he was far away from her and would soon exist only in her memories.
With that, Penelope Bridgerton let a last tear sink into her pillow before falling asleep with a heavy heart.
She promised she wouldn't cry for him but the heart pays no heed.