CHAPTER 7
A fresh start
Colin mourns the departure of his wife a second time and attempts to find her again while Pen on the other hand finally meets with the individual who shall help her settle down.
After trying to take a different route in order to keep Colin from finding her, Penelope finally met Geneviene's acquaintance. The lady would supply Genevieve with fine fabrics from Scotland and was someone trustworthy. Genevieve had suggested to Pen to reward her as a gratitude for her service.
Thanks to her help, Pen was able to rent a modest small house, the woman had already secured the accommodation for Penelope whose surroundings will be favourable for her and her child with various facilities.
Penelope was grateful to the woman, she thanked and rewarded her richly.
The house was composed of one storey and Pen occupied the first floor while the maid resided the lower level. There was a baker and a library in the vicinity of the residence. The sea wasn't distant either, she was glad she could go to take a stroll whenever she felt bored at home and it did not even require a carriage.
She would also take the opportunity to visit the neighbourhood to get more acquainted and meet the people in the area.
Even though the comfort of her house had changed and she no longer had servants and the numbered staff, she was nonetheless content. The maid who travelled with her was assisting her and Pen was already someone strong and responsible. Perhaps she might relocate later when her child is older but for the time being she was satisfied.
The atmosphere of her current house was distinct from her previous ones. It felt warm because there were no mother or sisters who despised her or there was no husband who would give her a cold stare as soon as their gaze would cross. She felt really cosy, even if sometimes lonely.
Occasionally, she would visit the local library to buy or rent books in order to keep herself occupied.
Not many days upon her arrival in the neighbourhood, there was a woman, Mary, whom Penelope had befriended. She resided in the house opposite to hers. Mary worked in a bakery and lived alone with her ten-year-old son, John. Her husband passed away one year after their son's birth and she was by herself with him. They were not of noble families hence she had to work.
Upon meeting her, Penelope had not informed Mary of the reason she travelled to Scotland. No one knew she was with child nor the events that followed and she did not want to inform anyone of her condition nor did she feel she could trust anyone, yet. Perhaps later on when she would start showing she might think of what to tell people.
Thankfully her stomach was not showing yet and the people over there were not like those of the ton, they didn't meddle in each others' personal affairs much.
Mary would sometimes check in on Penelope since she was alone. She did try to inquire about Pen's settlement there but Pen mentioned that she was not ready to share about it and would when the time was right. Mary was someone understanding and mature in addition to being friendly and caring, she understood immediately.
Fortunately Mary's brother-in-law, William, lived near in the neighbourhood and was a big tall strong man who also happened to be kind. They felt safe having him nearby. He was not married nor was he looking forward to it. He was just content in his own food supply business.
Mary used his help when in need and Penelope over time felt like she could trust him too and he would help her the same as sometimes he would carry their heavy bags if they had troubles on their own as he owned a transport for his business.
As he had a vehicle for his business, Mary would use his assistance when in need to carry their heavy baggage and Penelope eventually came to feel that she could trust him too and would use his support in the same way as William had said that, like Mary, he had come to think of Penelope as his sister.
Penelope would not gain the same perks that came with being a high member of the society in Mayfair, having staff buy her stuff or carry it home. She had to make some sacrifices anyway and she was very glad and felt lucky she had some friends she could count on and trust at least, in such a short time after her arrival.
Pen made an effort to avoid wearing fancy robes and went out with her coat all the time so that no one would doubt and question her upper class origins.
It was another small sacrifice she was willing to make to mingle in her new society.
Some days after setting down, Penelope had visited the market to buy some fabrics for her new dresses. In a while when she will be showing, she will need to visit the seamstress for new dresses of larger sizes until she might not be able to step out at all.
Penelope was erratically feeling scared and missed the presence of a closed one as support but then recalled how they treated her and how she had to seek out the help of LW to feel less lonely among them; her loved ones.
After some days she had told Mary everything as she felt she was trustworthy, and Pen also missed a friend. Since Mary was giving her a lot of assistance, Pen felt that it would be nice to have some people she could rely on.
Many times she and Mary would sit down for drinks or a chat while John would be sleeping or remained with the child caretaker.
Since on various occasions, she told Penelope how grateful she was for having John and how she enjoyed being a mother and even John kept saying how his mother was the best in the world with his little voice, hence Penelope felt she could inform her about her being with child therefore she shared her story with Mary.
Well…not everything though, she omitted the Whistledown chapter as that seemed too dark to be revealed yet. After so much struggle, she had finally settled down and would not want any mishap to force her to move, by giving Mary the impression that she was not someone trustworthy. That had already generated enough damage in her life. She most of all would not want to alarm Mary that she was very rich.
She strived for a writing-related employment but it was too early and had not received a response as of yet from her applications.
Since she was a bit weak the first days she arrived and was also trying to settle in, she hence started applying more than a week after, starting firstly at the nearby library and moving on to the bookstore a bit further.
Penelope intended to write articles under a pseudonym to avoid disclosing her identity so as to ensure that no one could locate her and also given the fact that women were still not permitted to work openly.
She would not care if her work would be recognised as long as she was being paid, well, for the time being.
The last time people she loved learned about her profession, everything fell apart and she was ill-prepared to deal with it. She had also requested a job at the local press for article writing and as editor, and even if it was considerably farther away, she knew it had more prospects for her.
Perhaps in the future she might publish a book or a novel to get recognition or earn more but for now she just wished to add more to her savings. Pen believed that working was necessary for herself, even though she was already settled, not extremely destitute, and could live for years without working.
Other than concealing from society her extreme wealth of being able to afford everything without working, a job would also keep her somewhat occupied and prevent her from thinking about the grief she just survived or simply her husband, Colin.
Pen had often longed to write to her family, yet refrained from doing so.
She was worried that if she sent it through the mail, they would discover her location. She didn't want them to worry about her either. Despite how much she missed her family, she was glad with the little life she had there.
Her purpose now involved raising her own family here and living with the memories of her former life, even if she had not fully recovered from the trauma she had just experienced.
One day during their conversation, Mary mentioned something funny and she was unable to laugh. She had become a depressed person. Many times she spent the night crying and wetting her whole pillow before falling asleep. It was perhaps also because of her condition. Her maid had warned her that things would get worse after some months.
Penelope wondered what could be more awful than her current predicament. The thought of embracing her child would make her feel better; her mood enlightened at the image of the little hands holding her and a small face smiling at her.
The soon-to-be mother desperately hoped everything would go well during labour though she had desired her husband to be by her side to support her even if not in the same room with her but his presence was close.
Alas. She had to comfort herself with the notion of those she actually had by her side. Penelope had already requested Mary to assist her and her friend gladly accepted, claiming she would have naturally been there with her during labour without a doubt.
Pen was quite fortunate to have encountered her. She was more like a sister than a friend.
It had been a while since she had fled and had thankfully started feeling comfortable there. She assumed she ought to have started feeling a bit detached from their home even if she did miss Colin a lot, nonetheless it would take longer than she had anticipated. After all it was where she had spent her entire life, up until then.
Everything was different now.
Everything had changed the moment she decided to step out of their home. Or initially when things were not well between her and Colin.
Even if there were instances when she would miss her husband deeply, she believed she had made the best decision. Pen was at last trying to live her life freely far from the judgemental society she came from;the ton and also far away from her husband's accusatory stare.
As she sat in her drawing room one night relaxing, Penelope Bridgerton reminisced how she had kissed Colin's forehead softly before whispering an 'I love you' as she departed from the hotel and leaving him behind. How her face was full of tears while she weighed her next move on whether to stay or leave, all while watching him sleep.
She had been reluctant to leave her husband's side, he looked so peaceful sleeping there and it was the first time after so long they had been so close.
At that moment she wished time would stand still as she closely watched him sleep on that sofa beside her, his hand gripping hers and refusing to let go. Then she finally got up after realising what would be ideal for her child and also because she had no other choice.
Penelope remembered how she hurtfully detangled herself from his grasp and left discreetly.
Days had gone by since his wife left him and Colin was still plagued by constant thoughts of her. He was yearning to see her once again so he could stop seeing her only in his dreams. Colin was persistently dreaming of his wife.
Whether daydream.
Whether at night.
Or whenever he was sleeping.
He was still experiencing the nightmares and now that Benedict was no longer there to soothe him when he would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and panting from the horrid scenes he would witness in his dreams, he would find himself all alone in the dark, his thoughts haunting him.
Most of his nightmares entailed that of the day they had met, he occasionally dreamed that he was asleep on the sofa in her bedchamber in that hotel when Pen was there beside him. Then he would wake up in his dream to find her there beside him, only to subsequently wake up and reality would strike as Colin would find himself totally alone in his hotel chamber.
In the dreams Pen would sometimes be there beside him and would other times disappear as she had actually done in reality. On one occasion, he dreamt that she was beside him as he woke and then would walk away while looking at him with a glum expression.
Pen's face and expressions of the last day they met were imprinted on his mind; her agonised sobs, the way she had looked away and avoided his gaze and then abruptly yelling at him to leave her alone.
The scene had replayed itself in his mind countless times. He could not comprehend why Pen had opted to leave him after all they had discussed.
He could not accept it.
He had to work on her forgiveness.
He was unable to accept the fact that she had left before he could express how much he loved her for who she was, rather than who she made him become. He never told her and she was gone. 'Why didn't he realise it sooner?', Colin always sighed at the thought of it.
He was such an idiot.
Colin Bridgeton is such an idiot.
In the beginning, just after Pen had left and Benedict returned home, Colin was unable to stay short days in hotels because his health issues required some time for him to fully recuperate. He was also broken down and devastated how she had left him a second time.
He realised he would not be able to catch up with Pen wherever she went, anytime soon, since he halted for longer days now. Colin, however, did not care.
Even if it took forever, he would have to reach Pen. He had to reunite with his wife.
Colin had sent letters to his family, where Eloise and Violet had been anxious for Penelope. Benedict had already updated them of the news before departing from the hotel. Eloise was devastated to learn that Penelope had not accepted Colin's apology and left again instead of returning. As much as she hated her for being Lady Whistledown, she brought happiness to her brother.
Eloise had written to Colin to tell him to bring back her best friend as she was missing her.
His mother had updated him of the circumstances over there as well. John and Francesca had already left for Scotland after their wedding and Eloise had wished to accompany them and she let her go. Hyacinth was eager to see Penelope and was annoying her everyday with her impatience to see her best friend and sister back home.
Violet was concerned for him and Penelope both and she had attempted to comfort Colin through the letters. But no matter how his family consoled him through letters or persuaded him to keep hope, his plight remained unchanged and his heart continued to ache.
As the days went by, Colin realised in his musings just how Pen was truly a brave woman, the risks she took, how on her own, she would visit the printer in such a hazardous part of town to submit her writings for the columns. How courageous she was to come clean about her being Lady Whistledown in front of the queen and the entire ton.
Colin came to the realisation that he was a fool for only acknowledging his feelings for Pen based solely on her actions. His biggest mistake was not realising he loved her for who she was.
He started to miss her.
Her characteristics.
The way she has been so brave to have her own business among the ton as a woman even if she knew the society might cast her away if she was exposed.
The way she looked radiant whenever she laughed upon something funny. The way she exposed her dimples in giggles when he told her anything humorous.
The way that she consistently engaged in intelligent conversation rather than only ranting as some other ladies did.
The way she handled her business independently, dealing with the printer and having to helplessly hide it from everyone she was close to.
His wife was so brave.
All along, she was being herself; whether it was as Lady Whistledown or his Pen.
Colin recognised how he had been selfish; he had ruined her match with a prospective suitor without evaluating the consequences. Had Pen not shared his feelings that night she would have been ruined and he did not consider this possibility, he was only thinking about himself. Though he had been totally willing to marry her no matter her feelings, that was such a selfish move.
Colin had let his love for his wife be subordinated to his own selfishness. He was so engrossed with being mad at her that he didn't realise how he neglected to shower her his love.
In her remembrance, he wrote down some letters to her in case they would meet as he was currently unable to tell her in person given that she was not physically present to express himself about his feelings of loving her for herself.
It had been one month and a half since Pen had fled home and more than two weeks since she left Colin alone in that hotel.
While Pen resided in her rented house, Colin had rented a chamber in a hotel close to the shore in Scotland. He planned to stay there for a few days before moving.
As soon as he arrived, the same evening he visited the beach just to unwind and breathe in some fresh air as he watched the sun set. The beach over there was soothing and reminded him of his journey to Greece. He'd wanted to show Penelope Greece one day after their wedding, but they never had the chance to travel for their honeymoon. 'Perhaps when they got back together…' he imagined. 'He will truly get back with her…and they will go to Greece together' he thought as he gazed at the horizon.
He was blind to the fact that night had arrived as the sun had set. He retreated to his bedchamber and before dinner wrote another letter to Penelope, which he might soon give, well, if he was lucky enough to run into her.
As he was writing the letter and for another hundredth time recalled their scene in that hotel bedchamber, Colin wondered if something else might have transpired that forced her to make such a hasty decision only a few days after he had just seen her at his sister's wedding.
He kept thinking about it for a while after moving to his balcony. It was mainly his fault obviously but might there have been another matter? He recalled how amidst her anger the other day she had abruptly stopped in her rebuke. 'Could it be that?' Lost in his reverie, Colin shook his head. Perhaps he was overthinking…
Colin went for dinner and to bed. On some nights, he would stay up very late to avoid experiencing the same nightmares and on other days he was so enthralled in Pen's thoughts that he preferred going to bed extremely early in order to keep dreaming about her.
The next day Colin walked to the beach after breakfast in order to clear his head. As he came back to his bedchamber, he pondered on his purpose and while having time to himself, Colin had reflected about a variety of topics, including his self-centeredness and his life's purpose.
He had an idea already and will share it with Pen when he meets her. She was so intelligent and perspicacious, even in business matters.
Once more, as nightfall approached, he went for a short stroll to decompress and take advantage of the fresh air before sunset. While strolling on the shore, he noticed a small and chubby woman walking along with another woman and a little boy. They appeared to be having fun together as they conversed.
The woman's head was wrapped in a coat similar to the one Penelope used to wear and the few strands of hair that were visible flowing with the breeze from the sea seemed to be red hence Colin presumed it might be Penelope. Since their last separation, he had no trail of her and therefore he was feeling hopeful it might be her this time.
Colin continued to study the lady, picking up additional clues that led him to believe it may be Pen. He wasted little time in acting upon the certain suspicion that it may be Pen. Breathlessly, he hurried and ran to speak with her and nearly startled them by darting in front of them.
As he stood before the woman, breathless, his face looking hopeful and his eyes wide with desperation and craving, his gaze suddenly dropped as he realised that it was not Penelope.
The woman was not his wife.
When he discovered it was not Pen, he was utterly heart broken. Colin's eyes flooded with pain and almost cried in front of the strangers. He apologised to them for scaring them and appearing so briskly like a madman, then walked away, silently and slowly as he felt his knees almost failing him.
That evening, he weeped quietly as he sat down and watched the sun set on the horizon, sinking himself in the warm sand.
Having extreme longing for her, he turned in early that night. He felt like he would die if she was not in front of him right there. He was craving her desperately; the feeling was more intense now. He recalled the fleeting feeling of optimism he had when he believed he saw her a while ago and sighed at the thought of realising how his heart crushed when that was not her.
Colin dined very early and retreated to bed as her musings were torture.
The following day he was feeling very gloomy and wanted to do nothing much. He chose to take a short walk outside to get some fresh air, take in his surroundings, and unwind a little in order to help him clear his thoughts. After another day of wandering to check around and see if he had spotted Pen yet, he would return to his travels and hit the road again the day after.
Colin had not scrutinised the whole area yet to find any clues about her and there were no positive answers from any hotel yet.
After donning his coat, he strolled about the town. It was not far and he chose to walk a bit to look around. Scotland was a beautiful country. 'If only Pen was with her', he pondered while taking in the beautiful scenery.
As he scans his surroundings, he observes a man selling flowers and is accompanied by his daughter, who was wearing a yellow robe. The little girl was very beautiful and was smiling at her father while drawing. This brought Colin back to his childhood when he had first laid eyes on Penelope.
It dawned on him how much he had loved her even back then. He always had a soft corner for Penelope in his heart, yet it took him so many years to realise, and now he messed up so bad that they were losing additional months of time together.
He realised how he always loved Pen, even when she wore yellow, even when it was the only colour she wore. He had searched for her smile and presence in every social gathering. As he kept looking at that little girl, Colin recalled how his heart rejoiced the moment he would spot that lady in yellow at balls. He loved how her appearance was so unique.
Colin smiled at the little girl then walked away and continued exploring. He detected a small restaurant where he might possibly try something new. Since he hadn't gone exploring much lately; perhaps this will lift his spirits.
As he was stepping forward to the restaurant, he noticed a woman from the corner of his eyes that seemed familiar. Turning to face that direction, he saw a short, plump woman covered in a peacock coloured coat, entering the library which was beside the restaurant. Her coat was the same as the one Penelope used to wear and he could recognise it among a dozen ones.
Then, just before stepping in, her cap had fallen down her head due to the wind and Colin noticed that her hair was curly and red, precisely the same as Penelope. Colin was left astounded as he kept staring at her as she entered the library.
He gave her a quizzical look as he was left agape.
She did not have a companion. She was all alone.
Could it be Penelope, his wife? Buying a new book for her ongoing travels or her new home? Or was he hallucinating again?