Chapter title is a reference to Dr. Manette in A Tale of Two Cities (and a hint!)

From the playlist:

A House in Nebraska - Ethel Cain

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Ch. 6 - How The Moon Looks From Hell

Arriving home was never really a joyful occurrence, but since Remus's anxiety was at an all time high, the key getting itself stuck in the lock felt particularly targeted tonight. Finally shutting the door properly, he stalked into his bedroom completely unsure of what to do with himself. He just stood awkwardly in the center of the room, lost in thought and smoking violently.

He'd been content not to have heard the name Sirius Black in a long time.

Sirius occupied a rather odd corner of Remus's mind, but it was how he'd learned to get by with the weight of it. Obviously, he loathed the man for what he'd done to Harry, and to him; so Black had one foot in the camp of people Remus considered to be the irredeemable filth of the earth. Obviously.

But his other foot left prints up and down Remus's most precious memories, and no matter how hard he'd tried over the years, he just could not convince himself that Sirius was the same one who'd taken his friends away. It would never make sense.

If he so much as thought about laying a finger on Harry...Remus meant what he said. There was nothing he wouldn't do for James.

…Why was Black going after Harry?

What was he trying to do? Finish the job for Voldemort? It seemed like a hell of a lot of trouble to go through for someone else, and Black was one of the most self-absorbed people Remus ever knew. Then again, he'd been too thick to notice that Sirius was allegedly a complete sycophant, so…

He wandered into the bathroom and put his cigarette butt out in the sink before promptly rolling another. Preparing it slowly but meticulously, he relished the brief clemency from his idleness - though it was too mindless of an activity to really distract from his swirling thoughts. Once he'd lit the fresh one with his wand, he took a deep drag, coughing a bit.

Then of course, there was Emmeline. In the grand scheme of things, he had far bigger problems to worry about. He knew that. It didn't prevent him from dwelling on it.

Somehow, today had been worse than yesterday; because today, he'd been able to see first hand how oppositely their worlds had diverged. For that, he really was grateful, despite having felt relieved that she was no longer with her husband. He'd beat himself up over that for a while, no doubt.

Divorce or not, at least he could rest in the knowledge that she was living a better life than he ever could have offered her. Once the shock of the reunion subsided, would she indeed realize that everything had worked out for the best? Or was she still pining for that unattainable utopia they never could have shared? It seemed impossible, but the way she'd looked at him by the end of their short-lived not-tea made him wonder.

He treated himself to a hearty dinner consisting of exactly one slice of toast before changing out of his clothes and laying in bed with a cigarette still hanging from his lips. Only when he'd smoked it down to the filter did he put it out on the wall as a thousand blasted memories flooded his mind on the path to slumber.

…

Several hours later, he was roused from sleep by a banging on his front door.

Remus jolted from the mattress, glancing at his watch as he moved to throw on some trousers and the closest undershirt.

The unwelcome visitor banged on the door again.

"Alright, I'm coming! Merlin's sake…"

Either: Dumbledore had reconsidered and was here to tell him so, Roshan Patil was about to inform him that his father was having a medical emergency, or Sirius Black had come to kill him. Wand drawn (in case it was the latter of the three), he made his way to the door and flung it open in one swift motion.

" Emmeline!" he exclaimed, lowering his wand. "It's-...good Lord-...It's the middle of the night..."

He might've preferred Black, honestly.

Nevertheless there she was, standing in his doorway wringing her hands. Lucky for Remus, she was just as unkempt: the makeup was gone, her hair was as unruly as he remembered, and she'd haphazardly flung a coat over a set of pyjamas.

"I'm ready to talk about it now," she announced tactlessly, stepping past him and letting herself in. Her charge came to an abrupt halt when she got a good look at her surroundings. He didn't see her eyebrows angle inward, but the sound of her breath hitching in her throat wasn't as inconspicuous as she might've hoped.

Caught off guard, Remus was delayed in shutting the door. "How-...How did you get my address?"

"Dumbledore."

He really shouldn't be handing out people's personal information, and- "You should not have gone behind my back."

"I know, I'm sorry, I just…" she muttered, rotating as she observed the disrepair. "I wondered if Black would try to find you, so I asked. Albus er…owed me a favor…"

Witnessing Emmeline's reaction to the cottage was far worse than witnessing Dumbledore's. At least Albus could keep his opinions under the surface.

"Couldn't we discuss things elsewhere, perhaps at a reasonable hour-?"

"You said you 'signed up' for us," Emmeline spouted suddenly, regaining her nerve. "I remembered that tonight, and I couldn't sleep."

"...What?"

A hint of concern crept into her hostility. "…You did tell me that, didn't you?"

"I…" Heaving a sigh, Remus rubbed his face hard with one hand. "I don't know, Emmeline. Perhaps-"

"After Marlene."

He thought back, seemed to recall saying something to that effect, and wished to kick his twenty-one year old self for declaring such things. "…Yes, I think so," he conceded.

"You did," she reassured herself. "You told me you'd 'still be there when we made it out on the other end' of everything 'no matter what,' and I believed you."

This was not how he imagined this conversation playing out at all. He had prepared his responses for a much more civil version of this argument, in a much more civil setting, at a much more civil time of day .

But even with more pressing matters at hand, Emmeline had done herself no favors by neglecting the topic earlier, and she was no longer satisfied with feigned civility.

"It wasn't a change of heart, it was only a change of circumstances," Remus offered, trying to keep his voice level as his eyes darted between the buckets he should've put away. "You know that."

"I was under the impression that 'no matter what' meant 'no matter what;' not 'until my circumstances change.' We lost everyone , and you abandoned me when I needed you most."

"You don't need me, Emmeline. You never have."

"You're right, I don't," she affirmed.

Remus prayed he'd kept his face in check.

"But that day, I did," she continued. "And when I came home, you weren't there."

He knew she would always be bitter about the way he left; but he had no idea she'd feel this much bitterness after seemingly living a lifetime of happiness without him.

Remus held on tightly to his composure. "Emmeline, I am truly sorry for the heartache I put you through, but I will not apologize for the decision I made. I left for your sake. You didn't want me ruining your life, trust me."

"Good show, Remus! A round of applause for Saint Moony," she mocked him, clapping. "I am so sick of your diffidence-"

"You don't seem to understand," he interrupted, motioning towards the peeling paint. Any sane person would have taken one look at the conditions and laid down their sword. "I didn't want to drag you into this ."

"I would have followed you into hell if you'd only given me the chance!"

"Which was precisely why I had to go," he insisted. "Your savior complex was never going to let up-"

"Savior complex?!"

"-and I couldn't let you follow me into hell." He gestured around them again, letting his arms flop miserably at his sides. "This is only a fraction of what I made sure you were never burdened with."

Emmeline seemed more offended by this accusation than by anything else. "Just-…Just because you're sick and I tried to help does not mean I have a savior complex-"

"Oh please, Emmeline. If we're going to be honest with each other, let's be honest, shall we? Why are you here?"

"Excuse me?"

"You weren't worried Sirius was going to show up. My guess is you saw the clothes, and the shoes, and the graying hair, and you had it in your head to come try and fix me again. Have I got that right-?"

"I never tried to fix you. I never thought you needed fixing, don't you dare project that on me. I'm here because I wanted you to have to make all of your excuses to my face. Because for the last twelve years, I have felt forgotten, and ignored, and- FOR GOD'S SAKE REMUS, LOOK AT ME!"

His eyes swept up from the cracked brick in the hearth.

"I told you I liked your hair, and I don't give a damn about your shoes! I know you'd prefer to go on pretending I don't exist, but can't you just-…" Her gaze softened considerably. "Can't you just look at me-?"

"Since I left, I have not known a single day that I do not think of you."

Emmeline's lips parted in a kind of shock that Remus resented her for.

"…Is that what you came to hear?"

"...No," she murmured.

"I cannot read your mind, what more do you want me to say?"

"...I thought-...I thought that if you had to look me in the eye when we spoke about it, you might realize you regret it, but you don't…"

"You're being so unfathomably cruel-"

"I'm being cruel?!"

"I left to give you a chance at a normal existence, and that little girl is living proof that I made the right decision. How could I possibly regret it?"

His words fell at her feet like something repulsive, and she took a step back.

Remus drew a deep breath in an attempt to dissolve the lump in his throat. "It was everything I wanted for you. You have your career, and lovely place to live, and a daughter-"

"I wanted to share those things with you."

He noted her use of the past tense. "…You know perfectly well that if I hadn't gone, you wouldn't have any of it ."

"...Oh my God," she reviled. "Not only do you not regret it…you expect me to thank you."

"Everything I saw today was thanks enough."

"So what, so you come over once, you decide that my life must be perfect, and that means I have no right to be angry?! Fuck you, Remus-!"

"Oh- fine-! Fine. Then tell me honestly, since you seem to know better than the werewolf: With everything against us after the war, what would you have had me do?"

" Stay!" she cried out as if he had finally asked the question she'd been waiting for. "We agreed it would be Vance and Lupin against the world! We could have figured things out together, and you're just too afraid to admit it-!"

"What did you think was going to happen, exactly? That we were going to get married, start a family, and live happily ever after? That is a delusion you're still clinging to; because it wouldn't have been a fairytale, Emmeline. It would have been a nightmare . I made that very clear from the start. If I somehow managed not to kill you, I certainly wouldn't have allowed myself to punish you with offspring. It wasn't going to happen."

All of a sudden, Emmeline went silent.

He assumed she'd finally come to her senses; assumed that whatever was brimming in her eyes as she looked at him now was pity, or maybe even repugnance. Why would anyone fight to share in any of this? If she hadn't been so blinded by her anger, she'd have been able to see the picture of the future he'd tried to paint with the words of his letter. He could've saved her the trip, and she could've saved her breath.

And yet he couldn't help but regard her with the same exhausting ache he'd been trying to shake for eleven years. And that was maddening.

"…Emmeline, I wish it could be different, but-"

"It did happen," she stated tepidly.

"…What?"

Remus studied her carefully.

"…What are you talking about?"

Rubbing the space between her mouth and nose, Emmeline seemed to consider whether or not to proceed, then motioned toward the chair. "You should sit down-"

" Sit down-? Emmeline, what the hell are you-... What happened?"

"...I wasn't going to say anything, but after this afternoon, I was afraid you'd do the math…"

…Oh Jesus.

Don't say it.

Don't.

Don't you dare say it.

Please, don't say it.